Robert Brockway
46,039 views
Movie: Sucker Punch
A disclaimer: The spirit of this piece isn't about picking "the best" or "the worst" of the year; it's about finding which photo, song, person, etc. best captured the essence of 2011. However, this has been kind of a bullshit year for me, and as a consequence, I can't help but view the world through bullshit-colored glasses. So if you ask me what the last 12 months have really been about, you're going to get one of two answers, depending on how much whiskey I've had:
1. "A bunch of bullshit."
2. "I'll fight all of you. EVERYBODY. I'm the best. Arooounnnd. And nuthinevergunnakeepmedowwww --"
With that being said, let's get this bullshit started.
The last decade or so has undeniably been the epoch of the nerd. We went from unwashed basement trolls to trendsetters, and all it took was spending all of our money on things we liked anyway. We got what we wanted, everybody made money hand over fist and it finally became acceptable to admit to a few of our more easily digestible hobbies (you still have to closet those miniatures and write that fan fiction under a pseudonym, Narutophiliac243). It has, in short, been a paradise. We really had a good thing going there.
And then Sucker Punch came out.
That movie should have been everything to everybody: Schoolgirls for the horny, mechs for the Warhammer freaks, magic for the D&D nerds, zombies for the Romero fiends and slow motion for the slow kids(?).
But it wasn't. Sucker Punch flopped tremendously, and it was only marginally due to the fact that it was a god-awful film. No, Sucker Punch's failure wasn't about admittedly inferior quality, it was just the inevitable ebb of the nerd flood. To borrow from Hunter S. Thompson:
"There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning ...
And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ..."
So now, less than 10 years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Cyrodiil and look West, and with the right kind of Alteration Spell you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the nerd wave finally broke and rolled back.
TV Show: Community
NBC
The first two seasons of Community were fantastic, experimental and optimistic. But above all, they were fun: You got a real sense that everybody truly enjoyed what they were doing, and even if it didn't always work, they acknowledged the failure with a charming smile, an enigmatic shrug and a shot of some Alison Brie cleavage, so all was forgiven.
Getty
A strategy we've shamelessly stolen.
There were some rumors that this abrupt, jarring change in both tone and quality was due to Dan Harmon suffering some personal setbacks, and even though you should never let that affect your work (you can't just flip out and start calling everything bullshit; that's unprofessional), we all know that these things happen. Luckily, the show started to regain some footing around episode 6, and was back in fighting form by episode 8 ... which was when the network execs announced that it was going on mid-season hiatus. That's TV-polite for "canceled, but we're sort of sorry about it."
That seems to be a trend this year: People suffer their usual setbacks and are staggered, but just as they finally, slowly start to recover, they get royally screwed again.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here is: I'm totally fired, aren't I?
Getty
Yes, but here's a charming smile, an enigmatic shrug and ...
Song: Pumped Up Kicks -- Foster the People
If you don't know this one off the top of your head, just think back to the last time a chain store tried to sell you skinny jeans: This was the song they played. I didn't pick this because it's terrible (though Foster the People are definitely the Monkees to Broken Social Scene's Beatles), I picked it because 2011 is the year we can officially put a nail in the coffin of indie rock, and we're going to hammer that shit in with "Pumped Up Kicks."
2011 is to indie rock what 1979 was to punk rock: It marks the official tipping point from subculture to marketable commodity. You'll find this album wedged firmly in the indie rock section of every record store (ha! Like those are a thing anymore), and yet it's a song written by a commercial jingle writer (seriously, that was his job when he wrote it) who came to prominence after first being featured on Entourage.
Marky Mark taints everything by association.
The worst part is, it's so utterly forgettable and innocuous that the song doesn't even stick out enough for you to hate. It's only once you look into it that you realize how cynical and exploitative a track it really is. For example, the lyrics make allusions to school shootings so as to cultivate that controversial buzz, yet Mark Foster denies that blatant connection vehemently at every turn, because actually acknowledging it might hurt the song's airtime on major stations. You really have to dig to find the source of this bullshit, because there's just so much shit that it's actually, physically concealing the bull.
Video Game: SKYRIM!
Skyrim. My choice was going to be Skyrim. This entry was going to be about Skyrim, and this entry was going to be the one point of optimism and hope in this otherwise cynical wasteland of bitterness and profanity. But you know what happened?
Some bullshit.
Michael Swaim is way better about checking his email, so he got to pick it first. Therefore, for game of 2011, I choose Diablo III, which isn't even coming out this year. Why? Let's run down some of its killer new features:
*Always-on DRM means you can play the game anywhere there's an Internet connection! And nowhere there isn't.
*Sick of the pressure that customizing, improving and personalizing PC games comes with? Diablo III's got your back: New security measures prevent all modding!
*Tired of real-world problems breaking the flow and action of game play? Not anymore: Diablo III does away with that horrible pause function. Now nothing's going to stop you from gaming -- even your own wants and needs!
*Tired of multiplayer games hogging all the server issues and connectivity problems? Don't worry! Diablo III requires a working Internet connection ... even for single-player games!
*Want added adventure, excitement and intrigue? If Blizzard servers crash during game play, you can lose all of your progress! Real action requires real consequences. You want to be real, don't you?
Getty
So real you put your fist through the monitor and throw your mouse at the kids.
If somebody wants to call shenanigans on me for griping about a game that hasn't even been released yet, that's fine. You can mentally change my pick to Driver: San Francisco, or literally any other Ubisoft game. They all have pretty much the same "features" this year. My general point doesn't change with the specific property chosen to represent it. I'm just saying that the publishers are pushing a new theme for 2011 PC games, and that theme is:
Hey, why don't you stop playing PC games?
109 Comments
Browse by:
- Movie
- TV Show
- Song
- Video Game
- Person
- Internet Clip
- Word
- Photo
Categories:
- Advertise
- Write for Cracked
- Contact Us
- Link to Us
- Sitemap
- Terms & Conditions
- Privacy Policy
AdChoices
- Popular Topics: Boobs
- Zombies
- Hipsters
- Urban Legends
- Skyrim
- Go to our Mobile Version
f**k foster the people. because i saw the video on silent probably about ten times while riding the stationary bike at the gym, and it made me incredibly furious every time. it got to the point i'd stand up even if i was in the middle of an interval, and just hang out by the water fountain or something for a few minutes until i was sure they were gone. and when i finally heard the song on the radio, i immediately knew that it had to be the song that faggot was singing up close into the camera with that obviously-forced "vulnerable" look on his stupid face
ReplyFor the longest time, my favorite writer on here has been a toss up between three or four guys. You just took the title, Brockway. Really, really excellent work, and I don't mean that ironically.
Reply"Bro" did not wake up this year. It will never wake up: it's dead. It died instantly the first time someone typed "brony".
Replycool story bro
This was the best article to sum up this year. I agreed with everything you said. I'm sorry you had a s****y year, I'm glad that it inspired you to write this genius article. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF MAN. Keep writing.
ReplyYou sir, have a had a really bad year. Diggin the Joe Esposito though.
ReplyThis seems the only genuine article on the list. Kudos to you, Robert, for not ducking behind sarcasm and actually taking this seriously. Unlike your co-workers who cower behind sarcastic nods to pop movies/artists no one believes they really like but want to seem "ironically unironic" (No, seriously! Black Eyed Peas are genius!)
ReplyI think Brockway did the best top 8.
ReplyI agree completly, actually, maybe it is the only one worth reading
Honestly, Community fell off midway through the second season, once they turned Pierce into a villain and the whole deal when the Russo brothers copy and pasted the entire plotline and series of gags from a previous Arrested Development episode (Community's conspiracy theory/night school episode).
ReplyIt did indeed come back midway through the 3rd season, but now they're getting canceled.
There's just no winning with this show.
Then go sign a petetion and get the show back on the air. Community is far better than 99% of the garbage on television.
I actually like the fact that people are willing to die for a quick joke. Don't know why, exactly, but I do.
Reply"...what 1979 was to punk rock: It marks the official tipping point from subculture to marketable commodity."
ReplyThis part about punk rock is so beyond wrong it's hilarious.
You're right. The Sex Pistols really took off in 1977. What a glaring oversight.
Punk rock purists are more annoying than Tool fanboys.
The first time I heard Foster the People on the radio, I assumed my hearing was screwed up. Nobody would willingly create something that sounded that bad, and if they did, no reputable radio station would play it. I was wrong on both counts. f**k Foster the People.
ReplyI really hate that Foster The People song for how it's used but I think it's funny at the same time, if that makes sense. =s
ReplyThis whole Top 8 was awesome... and I know copy/pasting other peoples thoughts is bullshit, but this-
Reply"2011 has been all about this kind of bullshit: co-opting things that should be shunned, idolizing people who should be institutionalized and proudly saying things that should get your mouth scrubbed out with old bong Jaeger"
- is dead-on... and the part at the end of Vacationing Rebel, wtf? This is the stuff that makes you want to bash your head against the wall every day.
I feel about about Brockway not getting Skyrim.
ReplyI feel about too, buddy... furiously about.
I hear you. Honestly, I expected him to give it a codename and write about it anyway.
Dammit, now I have to go read Swaim's happy page again.
ReplyYou're an a*****e, Brockway.
I agree. And this article is total bullshit. :)
I'ma be honest, I've loved Community more than ever this year. It's been darker, yeah, but it's been smart about it and it's still funny. Not really sure where you're coming from Brockway.
ReplyI swear to god this is the first I've heard about community being canceled. Everyone better get their asses to a petition and get it back on the air!
It's no surprise to anyone who's been follwing NBC's primetime schedule this year. They seem so earnest in filling the voids left by ER and Law & Order they blew their whole marketing load on the Maria Bello flop instead of supporting the good stuff that they already have. They've been systematically douching up their Thursday Night since Summer.
I used that HST quote in roughly seven projects back in high school, I even worked it into a French project.
ReplyYo Brock, bro, you're an inspiration to us all, but f**k esse, sounds like you had a fucked up year. A year that fucked you in the ass unapologetically and without vaseline.
Replybro? BRO?! ARGH!
I think the real problem with Sucker Punch is that it gave us all this awesome geeky stuff, and then slapped us in the face for enjoying it. "Here's some giant robots and steampunk zombies and scantily clad women with guns! But LEST YOU FORGET, it's all a metaphor for sexual abuse and mental regression! f**k you!"
ReplyBut yeah, most of this rings true. Kind of a s****y year for culture. Which is why I'm happy we have Brockway and his angry, drunken hipster ways, ranting at the world for our entertainment. Keep doing what you do, sir. You are the best.
Outside of the abuse connotations, Sucker Punch just plain fell flat. All the nerdery we were supposed to love was so painfully flat.
I don't know whats more sick: that you posted the Japanese tsunami video, or that it's the only video-- out of all these articles-- that I watched from start to finish.
Reply