Kristi Harrison

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Movie: Bridesmaids

Here's the plot of Bridesmaids in one sentence: Former cupcake shop owner flips out in the run up to her best friend's wedding. Here's the tweet I tweeted about Bridesmaids during its opening weekend:


I didn't see Bridesmaids during its opening weekend, but it turned out nobody needed my raggedy little ticket for one anyway. The ladyfest ended up being Judd Apatow's top-grossing movie yet, bringing in millions and millions of dollars. Before you knew it, entertainment folks were talking about a "Bridesmaids effect." (Let me save you some heartache -- the "Bridesmaids effect" isn't that thing where you temporarily develop an eating disorder to fit into a tacky-ass dress you'll never wear again.)

Not that I've actually figured out what the Bridesmaids effect is yet, but I hope it has something to do with imagining women in comedies that aren't strictly rom coms. For hundreds of years we've been told that Sandra Bullock, Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston are comedians, yet there's a sturdy sameness to their roles: beautiful, down-to-earth women who are unlucky in love and happen to fall down a lot. Boom. Rom com. Bridesmaids featured an obese woman having explosive diarrhea in a sink. If that's not a game-changer, I don't know what is.


See this, Sandra Bullock? Try telling us you're tuned in to the average woman's problems now.

Here's the other thing I suddenly realized after watching Bridesmaids -- it takes decades to get funny. Young little twentysomethings getting paid big bucks to shill jokes are the exception, not the rule -- at least when it comes to the ladies. Here's a little math I put together for this article:

Kristen Wiig - 38
Tina Fey - 41
Amy Poehler - 40
Sarah Silverman - 41
Chelsea Handler - 36
Mindy Kaling - 32 (She barely made this list, thanks to math.)
Amy Adams - 37
Jenna Fischer - 37
Halle Berry, Salma Hayek, Cuddy from House and Princess Buttercup - all 45. FORTY-FIVE!

I fudged the last group ... they're not individually known for comedy. But put them together and you're only a few years from the next Golden Girls reboot. Imagine the possibilities!


We could all laugh about the inevitability of death because Princess Buttercup is a grownup now.

I suspect the actual Bridesmaids effect has nothing to do with recognizing non-Covergirl spokesmodel comedians and everything to do with riding the ladytrain to the bank ... which is probably why 2011 was graced with The New Girl, 2 Broke Girls, Whitney and I Publicly Declare My Hate for My Teenage Daughter, Yet Wonder Why We Have Relationship Problems!

True story: 2 Broke Girls is all about an odd couple of gals who dream of nothing more than running a cupcake store ... talk about nailing what it means to be a woman in 2011.

TV Show: Modern Family

When Modern Family debuted in 2009, I completely wrote it off, just because it was a family sitcom. I don't know about you, but when I go back and watch sitcoms from the 1970s and '80s, I vomit soft-focused sugar over the opposite wall. For about 20 years, there was a steady continuum of very special episode awful, covering everything from the evils of alcohol to the dangers of a sitting president's wife infiltrating your school and humiliating you in front of your classmates ... before molesting you in her bike shop.

The '80s were a horrible time.

Which was why I was surprised by Modern Family. First and foremost, the writing is really good. As in I don't need a looped recording of people convulsively spewing "HAHAHA!" to make me aware of the jokes. Ultimately, I could just end the entry here, because I can't make the same statement about many other shows on TV right now. But quality writing isn't even why I picked Modern Family. I picked it because it's like looking in a mirror, but one populated with much taller, more beautiful people with way better skin and straight bangs.

For example, here's a real-time Instagram picture of me, my little sister and the white-haired leprechaun who lived with us during my childhood:


When I recall her face I just hear screams.

Here's another one. It's a picture of me, my kids, my dad, his kids who are also the same age as my kids and the gay couple that I wish I had in my life, but don't, for some terrible reason that is unknown to me:


I'm the redhead.

Chances are, you know someone who's in the same family boat -- one with step-siblings and new marriages and different shades of skin color. And if you don't, just wait. This is the reality of a world where people are living longer and making babies longer. Well, not literally making long babies. That would be horrible.


Horribly classy.

Modern Family pulls off the sentimental family stuff in a way that hasn't been attempted since The Wonder Years ... but with more jokes and with people who look more like America looks today. And it works.


Progress!

Song: The Honest Truth -- Typhoon

I took a leap of faith and picked a song that I'm guessing most of you don't know. I did it on purpose. If you're still game, watch this:

There are about 38 reasons why I picked "The Honest Truth" by Typhoon as the song that best represents 2011, but let me just list two or three for brevity's sake. For one, the lyrics:

"So be kind to all your neighbors
Be kind to all your neighbors
Cuz they're just like you
They're just like you
AND YOU'RE NOTHING SPECIAL
Unless they are, too."

Bold type mine. If there were something I could drill into the hearts and minds of all American children, this would be it. Be nice. You're not so special. Stop slouching.


Your miracle of creation just pooped in my hand.

Which brings me to the other thing I love about this song -- there's a freaking village of people performing it. All of them on a stage, each playing an instrument that he had to practice years to learn. Watching these Movember-faced musicians perform this song reminds me that despite all the crap going on in the world right now, good lord, kids are still learning how to play instruments. Horn instruments and stand-up violin instruments and things that look like toy keyboards but aren't. For every hundred hipsters out there talking about the magic of music and putting cliched text over retro-looking images and calling it art, there's at least one kid who's really dedicated to learning a craft that he's going to one day beat you over the head with. Because he (or she) is so good.

And then maybe he'll gather 72 of his friends and write a kickass song for you.

Video Game: Duke Nukem Forever

The last time it took me 14 years to accomplish something, I got a woman's body out of the wait. Here's what else I've gotten done in the time it took to finish making Duke Nukem Forever:


  • Made three humans

  • Changed careers four times

  • Grew my own Christmas tree, chopped it down, grew another in its place

  • Chopped that one down, too


I didn't actually use them for Christmas. I just hate trees.

I'm not going to lie, I know nothing about video games. I've decided everyone needs a quirk, and the fact that I don't enjoy video games is mine. So I picked Duke Nukem Forever as my game of the year for a few reasons. One, I knew my coworkers were going to pick awesome games. They play video games (all day long) and they know what they're talking about.

Two, even a Luddite like me has heard of Duke Nukem. That's a joke I can get in on. And then I actually watched a few minutes of the game. I guess it's a game. It's either a game or a hate crime against 2011. Yes, the hero shoots pregnant women and holds feces in his hands like some kind of monkey man. That's not even the weird part. The weird part is how not cool it is. I'm trying to imagine guys who I know for a fact are smarter than me, better educated than me and have more common sense than me sitting down and writing dialogue like:

"Oh yeah! I'm bringing sexy back."
or
"Bonjour, le hot stuff."
or
"I'm gonna rip your eye out and piss on your brain, you alien dirtbag!"


Is this where we congratulate him? I mean, this is what a toddler does, right?

If that's 2011 in a nutshell, I'm pretty sad about it.

On second thought, I change my mind. I'm going with Portal 2.

81 Comments

Recent Votes | Show Profanity
  1. Dondoran

    • 0

    I would not even have paid 130,000 farts for that hat, I must say.

    Reply
  2. ToucanSam

    • -5

    Wooow, your "internet clip" was pretty much a biased political rant. You totally overlooked Ron Paul who I will be voting for. I find that not all but most of the democratic candidates are simply figureheads being told what to say and think by people who are just as stupid as their pawns. You obviously don't know a whole lot about economics (other than the farcical Keynesian policies that public universities are spewing forth) but enough of that, I digress. The Duke Nukem review was funny, and I totally agree with you on Beatrice's hat. It is shocking what people will be seen in when the price tag is high enough. Your person choice was probably the best, being the most positive and all. I liked it.

    Reply
    1. JPaulSpaghetti

      • +6

      Someone expressing a political opinion on the internet?! What's this world coming to?!

    2. ToucanSam

      • -1

      I know right????
      But seriously, if you want to be taken seriously even as the editor of what amounts to a non-serious article site then you shouldn't blatantly bash other peoples political views without being an equal opportunity offender.

  3. ToucanSam

    • -1

    .

    Reply
    1. ToucanSam

      • +6

      ^Im not sure why my mistakenly sent period got 3 down votes, I really think you're being too hard on the little guy.

  4. TraceyAnnArnett

    • +3

    I loved your "person" choice and that it focused on the positive. Your 'song' choice and why you liked it was nice too. We hear so much about school systems cutting music programs in favor of sports you are almost surprised that youths still get to learn this stuff and create a group like that. Fun article. :)

    Reply
  5. WCjobber

    • 0

    I got two things out of this:

    1)Sarah Silverman's 41? I would never have guessed she was even that old.

    2)Dead on analysis of Duke Nukem: Forever. It was a game that people wanted SO bad after over a decade, they were completely willing to overlook what outdated drivel it was.

    Reply
  6. GannonKendrick

    • +1

    "JFK was an academic idiot."
    Huh. And here I thought "superior mental ability" didn't translate to idiocy.
    I guess the academic system showed him.

    Reply
    1. ToucanSam

      • 0

      He was an academic idiot. But he was a boss orator.

  7. quimby2999

    • +1

    No one else watches Chuck, apparently. I love that song.

    Reply
    1. Xervous

      • 0

      Are you confusing Typhoon with Cake? They both feature trumpets in a lot of their songs, but that's about it. Short Skirt, Long Jacket is a great song, though. The music video is pretty amusing, as well.

  8. Refined_Sir

    • +4

    that song was so Indy it made the soundtrack to Juno sound like death magnetic.

    Reply
    1. Lionhartchicken

      • +1

      Best comparison ever.

  9. n3rv

    • -13

    why were my comments deleted?

    Reply
  10. harbingerofcake

    • +1

    Straight up, I have read all but one of these 'Top Eight' articles at this point, and this is the only one that has made me laugh out loud at least three times. Thanks for being hilarious.

    Reply
  11. Scamp

    • +12

    I feel like the point of the lyric "And you're nothing special/unless they are too" was missed a bit. I think it's more trying to say don't feel like you're all high and mighty and then say everyone else is sheeple. If they are, you are too. And if you're special, they are too. Less of a "hey you suck you're just like everyone else" type of thing.

    Reply
  12. gumbi09

    • 0

    that hat looks like something from dr suess.

    Reply
  13. daflehrer1

    • +6

    I completely agree with the author about "Bridesmaids". It is hilarious.

    Reply
  14. muckymucks

    • +10

    No way Chelsea Handler is 36. I'd believe 56.

    Reply
    1. amrand

      • -1

      Maybe because she's sponsored by Belvedere and she writes books about how much she likes to drink?

    2. LadySpammington

      • +2

      Something like 70% to 75% of the worlds population likes to drink... if all it takes to become a popular author is write a book about how much I like to get smashed, I'll do it! Seriously though... I don't like her :/

  15. masterofbation

    • +11

    I just watched the princess bride again the other day, the fact that princess buttercup is now 45 really reminds me I'm old.

    Reply
  16. Strum

    • -8

    Not that I'm trying to defend her, as I would never actually vote for the woman in a primary election, much less a general election, but your "transcribed" version of Sarah Palin's response in that video is horrible.

    I read it and thought it sounded awful. Then I actually watched the video and realized that you left out punctuation in quite a few important places, and the most important aspect: the question she answered. Taken by itself (out of context), the quote sounds like the inane babbling that the public expects out of Sarah Palin (thank the media to some extent for that). If you actually take the time to watch the video, she sounds competent. She's obviously not a genius, but she's also not the idiot most people were making her out to be.

    also thanks for making your bias that much more clear by referring to obama (or should i say "O-BLAND-A" HA HA HA HA) as "one of the smoothest orators of blah blah". So much is made of his talent for giving speeches, and yet I honestly find him boring, dry and generally unwatchable. The fact that he's lost when he's not reading someone else's words is also negative...

    Reply Hide All See All 7 Replies
    1. daflehrer1

      • +18

      Obama's job isn't to be telegenic, nor to entertain you. Perhaps if you listen to him on the radio, you'll be less diffident about seeing him.

    2. Morgenstern

      • +1

      Reading off a teleprompter =/= the words aren't his own, in much the same way that Palin writing her talking points on her hand in black sharpie =/= the words are her own.

  17. AdamBritt

    • -24

    Who are you and why do any of us care what you think about 2011?

    Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies
    1. lensgirl

      • +13

      Why the hell are you visiting a website you don't want to read?

    2. shwnee

      • +3

      Fuck. I thumbed up the adampricks comment by mistake. Stupid iphone.

  18. Quatermain

    • +1

    Good article. Funny. That hat's gotta be some kind of practical joke though, like the guy who got monkeys to fling paint on canvas and sold it as modern art to critical accalim.

    Reply
    1. LadySpammington

      • 0

      I tend to think a majority of art nowadays is a practical joke... "Hmm, I bet I could spread a weeks worth of multicolored s**t on a canvas and get some rich asswipe to buy it for big bucks... bring on the blue velvet cake and beets!"

  19. Von_Boner

    • -7

    I zoned out after she started to drivel on about that Modern Family sitcom. Blah blah blah blah blah. Boring.

    Reply
    1. cragnog

      • +3

      you know, comments that state ones lack of an attention span dont ever win people over and makes the writer look like the stupid american that the cliche dictates.

  20. Vercingetorix

    • +6

    Obama has good control when he speaks, since he doesn't sweat a lot and rarely stutters, but other than that he's kinda bland. I don't know why people have billed him as a great orator. It's (for me at least) to see him still being memorable long after his career is done.

    Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies
    1. spankythedog

      • +15

      He says a lot, beautifully, about nothing.

    2. Quatermain

      • -5

      Obama got his reputation foe being a great orator by default. Mostly because every time someone said something about him that wasn't glowing adulation, they were cast as the next George Lincoln Rockwell and asked where they kept their hoods and robes.