4 Viral Videos That Will Haunt Their Stars Forever (NSFWp)

Not Safe for Wizard penis (Small p intentional).

The 12 Saddest World Record Attempts Ever Caught on Video

Sorry Swaim fans – some legal monkeys made us take down this video. But do not fear! There is plenty of Swaim to see here.

Mug of Pens: The Coffee Mug (For Pens)

A solution to all of your mug and pen related problems!

7 Dinosaurs You Could Take In A Fight

Just look at those chumps.

Looking Ahead: 4 Ways To Make Fun of Obama

Political comedy is no longer easy.

When not showing Frank Caliendo how it's done, Michael is the head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

6 'Adorable' YouTube Videos That Qualify as Child Abuse

Irrevocable emotional trauma: just precious.

When not giving guided tours of YouTube's nether-world, Michael is the head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

5 Things You Shouldn't Be Able to Buy on eBay

Guess how many speeds Swaim's dick has!

When not giving guided tours of eBay's nether-world, Michael is the head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

The 5 Greatest Background Performances in Viral Videos

The unsung heroes of classic videos.

For even more jokes and more torch passing, check out 5 Great Background Performances: The Extended Version.

If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign

What happened to two weeks ago, when Obama was a terrorist?

When not encouraging you to embed this video on your blog (find the code in the bottom right corner of the player), Michael is the writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

S.W.A.I.M: The 8 Least Necessary YouTube Tributes

Not needed, but greatly appreciated.

When not giving guided tours of the YouTube nether-world, Michael is the head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

Live Tonight! Cracked.com Liveblogs the VP Debates! LIVE!!!

So very live.

Sarah Palin Pees Standing Up: How To Use Insinuation

You can put lipstick on a pig...

5 Scientific Theories That Will Make Your Head Explode

Seriously. Put on a rain coat.

8 Badass Sci-Fi Predictions That Came True In Lame-Ass Ways

The future is here, and it sucks.

The 7 Words You Can't Say on the Internet

Swaim updates Carlin's rules for the web.

A Bad Dark Knight Review (No!) From a Crazy Adam West (Phew)

Adam West wants to compare Batmans.

Scientology Wants Miley Cyrus: So Which Should Be Scared?

Dissenting views from DOB and Swaim.

How to Make Your Own Judd Apatow Movie in 5 Easy Steps

Yes, it's that easy.

Samuel L Jackson Endorses a Candidate

Jack Nicholson's vaguely creepy Hillary 08 montage isn't the only campaign ad using movie footage to sway voters.

8 Upcoming Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped

Not all movies can be based on rich source material like novels and animatronic boat rides.

10 Words and Phrases You Won't Believe Shakespeare Invented

Eyeball. The man invented the word eyeball.

8 Kids Movies That Lied to Us

If you grew up on these eight classic family films, we have some bad news for you.

The 7 Least-Faithful Comic Book Movies

Do you cringe every time your favorite comic gets turned into a film? Based on Hollywood's track record, you're right to.

The 8 Most Terrifying Anti-Meth Ads: From the Blog

Our intrepid blogger breaks down a series of ads that make Requiem for a Dream look like an episode of Friends.

Episode 2: Cracked Once Again Watches Pornography and Describes It To You While You Masturbate

Everybody wants to watch porn. But not everybody can.

The 11 Most Unintentionally Poignant Drunk Celebrity Videos

We don't spend all day watching Internet videos of drunken celebrities just because they're hilarious. We watch because there are powerful life lessons to be learned.

Where Aren’t They Now?: 5 Post-Star Wars Careers Almost as Pathetic as Mark Hamill's

Let us take a moment to appreciate these guys who helped make the original Star Wars great, and who have lived sad, sad lives since.

The 8 Worst Places to Steal a Movie Idea

In a town where originality is dead, it's all about where you steal your ideas.

The 7 Most Gruesome Rock 'N' Roll Legends (And Whether They're True)

Bizarre, yet strangely plausible.

The 8 Funniest Webcomics

Yes, they're the best. Don't try to argue.

The 8 Most Common Sci-Fi Visions of the Future (And Why They'll Never Happen)

What will the future look like? Not this.

6 Video Game Gimmicks That Went Away Too Soon (And 6 More That Need to Die)

Video-game staples of yesteryear, and the ones that we can't seem to lose.

The 10 Most Memorable Movie Cameos by Non-Actors

The 10 that made us say “The hell...?” followed by "Hold on, this is awesome."

The 9 Most Typecast Actors of All Time

Actors who, for better or worse, are probably going to play the same part until they die.

We Describe Pornography (While You Masturbate)

CRACKED.com contributor Michael Swaim describes pornography while you masturbate.

11 Movies Saved by Historical Inaccuracy

11 movies that make us glad no one cares about trivial things like "what actually happened."

12 Great Video Games With Ridiculous Premises

12 games that prove you don't have to be Tolstoy, or even coherent, to design a hit game.

5 Signs That You're a Villain in a Hollywood Action Movie

Read this article and get to know the warning signs before it's too late.

The 7 Most X-Treme Products of All Time

X-tremeitude!

Idol Showdown: What To Worship This Easter

You know you want to worship something, but what?

What to Expect From Sex (as Dictated by Internet Porn)

Everything you need to know about love-making, as explained by XXX websites.

So You Knocked Her Up: A Child-rearing Guide

STDs: the dark side of sexual intercourse. Chief among these is a disease known to cause a large, screaming discharge and require nearly two decades of financial support.