Youtube, The Female Cast of The OC, and a Leather Riding Crop: Together at Last
To set the scene: I was sitting in my well-appointed office, legs up on a mahogany desk, wondering in what order I'd like to bang the female cast of the O.C. this week (I was going by height, but considered switching to alphabetically). Suddenly, Youtube CEO Ronny Hardwood Youtube bursts into my office out of breath and tells me that hes in a bad way.
A bad way? I ask, gently sloshing a snifter of Bavarian brandy, what is this, Manhattan in the 20s? Out with it Hardwood.
A few sips and a shitload of small talk later, I am informed that Ronnys eponymous sketch-delivery service is ailing for lack of quality content. He tells me theyve tried to drum up some yuks with some sort of competition, but all theyve attracted are schmucks, schlubbs and schlemiels.
Once again, I reprimand him for the 20s terms with a quick rap from my leather riding crop. Were in bed at this point, but thats inconsequential; it was time for me to hit the As and I'm not one to let a little business interfere with my pleasure.
Ill tell you what Ill do, Ronny the Bear. I will deliver to you the finest sketch available, and below cost. It will afflict the viewers with such riotous laughter that they shoot themselves in the fucking face just to make their sides stop aching.
Ronny thought that was a bit much, so we scaled it back 10%, shot it that afternoon, edited it that night over Chocotinis, and had a team of man-slaves heft it to the Youtube.
Naturally, the 40,000-dollar prize that goes along with the contest doesnt interest a man of my stature, but I suppose I could use the bricks of cash to build a small house for my Pekinese.
Help that small cash house become a reality by voting for the above sketch in said contest.
Click the link, then next video till you see ours, and give us the ol green thumbs up.
You can give all videos thumbs up or down once per day per IP address until the 15th, so really go nuts here.
Hell, star it up too while you're at it.
Double-hell, if you really liked it that much, why not Digg it to the front page and actually give us a shot at winning this thing?
Triple-hell, why not tattoo a screencap on your junk? Remember, Ronnys counting on you.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael OH GOD PLEASE VOTE FOR OUR SKETCH! OUR CAMERA'S ON ITS LAST LEGS AND MY MOM NEEDS AN ORGAN TRANSPLANT AND JESUS GOD PLEEEEEEEASE! THEY'RE GONNA TAKE MY LUNGS!
Good luck with your contest Swaim, even though it was like months ago...
Reply"I will accept nothing less than mahogany!"
ReplyAnd that Swaim, he delivers.
And yes, I dabble in necromancy. It's just a thing I have.
I am so glad that the cracked Cracked commentators are ferociously studying the science of comedy, but could you test it out somewhere else? This is supposed to be a humor site, not Psychology Today!
ReplyFuck You Swaim PAY ME TO VOTE
ReplyHummm, just found this guy on a free and hot celebs dating club "RichMatchMaki ng.c om......". I am sure he is not seriously looking but for some short-term relationship according to his profile description. seems he is very rich.
Reply@ Gladstone, I thought the name of you and Dan's crime fighting duo was Ace and Gary.
ReplyI voted for this, twice somehow, but I think it coulda been better done, it was confusing as all hell for a little while, of course I voted for you because i love you and i want you to penetrate me again and again because of your other videos especially the one with the old-timey pimps. Although I did get a couple of laughs out of it which was more than you could say for the other videos.
ReplyMy favorite Mace and Machete moment was when we took down the Teabag Ninja. I still remember how well Rhode Island slept that night.
ReplyIncidentally, Teabag Ninja is the screenplay I wrote that the Weinstein's just bought.
ReplyThey're saying Viggo Mortensen for the lead, which is fine, but I really wrote it with Swaim in mind.
And that rendition of "99 Luftballoons" was comment 100.
ReplyAnd to fit in with the rest of the comments: *Passive aggressive attack*
Neun und neunzig luftballoons
ReplyNeun und neunzig luftballoons!
I lost interest in the comments on this post long ago. That is, until Swaim mentioned O'Brien teabagging unsuspecting people in their sleep. He's like a teabag ninja!
ReplyWell that dog was asking for it. Do you see the collar it was wearing?
ReplyI've seen a lot of PETA activism over fur, when will they confront the real issues?
ReplyAnd no, it's not enough. Why did you do it Swaim? Do you just have a thing for dogs, or was it some kind of sick revenge on Gladstone? What did Gladstone do to your provoke the attempted dog rape?
PETA...That is all.
ReplyDog rape is no laughing matter. Over 500,000 of man's best friend is either fondled, molested, or raped a year. By Swaim alone.
ReplySomeone please think of the animals.
HOW could there be more to it than that? That's not enough?
ReplyIT Guy wins the internet !!!!
ReplyCongrats...
Shut up Tilly I hate you!
ReplyWow, there is way too much stuff to read here. I enjoyed the video, and as a previous wearer of a bitching set of chops (which has now exploded into a glorious beard), I am glad to see them getting the credit they deserve. People with chops can kill you with their bare hands. True story.
ReplyAnd can someone please clear up exactly what happened with this dog-raping incident? All I know is Swaim tried to rape Gladstone's dog. But I get the feeling there's more to it than that.