To set the scene: I was sitting in my well-appointed office, legs up on a mahogany desk, wondering in what order I’d like to bang the female cast of the O.C. this week (I was going by height, but considered switching to alphabetically). Suddenly, Youtube CEO Ronny “Hardwood” Youtube bursts into my office out of breath and tells me that he’s in a bad way.
“A bad way?” I ask, gently sloshing a snifter of Bavarian brandy, “what is this, Manhattan in the 20’s? Out with it Hardwood.”
A few sips and a shitload of small talk later, I am informed that Ronny’s eponymous sketch-delivery service is ailing for lack of quality content. He tells me they’ve tried to drum up some yuks with some sort of competition, but all they’ve attracted are schmucks, schlubbs and schlemiels.
Once again, I reprimand him for the 20’s terms with a quick rap from my leather riding crop. We’re in bed at this point, but that’s inconsequential; it was time for me to hit the “A’s” and I’m not one to let a little business interfere with my pleasure.
“I’ll tell you what I’ll do, Ronny the Bear. I will deliver to you the finest sketch available, and below cost. It will afflict the viewers with such riotous laughter that they shoot themselves in the fucking face just to make their sides stop aching.”
Ronny thought that was a bit much, so we scaled it back 10%, shot it that afternoon, edited it that night over Chocotinis, and had a team of man-slaves heft it to the Youtube.
Naturally, the 40,000-dollar prize that goes along with the contest doesn’t interest a man of my stature, but I suppose I could use the bricks of cash to build a small house for my Pekinese.
Help that small cash house become a reality by voting for the above sketch in said contest.
Click the link, then “next video” till you see ours, and give us the ol’ green thumbs up.
You can give all videos thumbs up or down once per day per IP address until the 15th, so really go nuts here.
Hell, star it up too while you’re at it.
Double-hell, if you really liked it that much, why not Digg it to the front page and actually give us a shot at winning this thing?
Triple-hell, why not tattoo a screencap on your junk? Remember, Ronny’s counting on you.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael OH GOD PLEASE VOTE FOR OUR SKETCH! OUR CAMERA’S ON ITS LAST LEGS AND MY MOM NEEDS AN ORGAN TRANSPLANT AND JESUS GOD PLEEEEEEEASE! THEY’RE GONNA TAKE MY LUNGS!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
August 29th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
“I will accept nothing less than mahogany!”
And that Swaim, he delivers.
And yes, I dabble in necromancy. It’s just a thing I have.
April 13th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I am so glad that the cracked Cracked commentators are ferociously studying the science of comedy, but could you test it out somewhere else? This is supposed to be a humor site, not Psychology Today!
April 13th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Fuck You Swaim PAY ME TO VOTE
April 13th, 2008 at 2:24 am
Hummm, just found this guy on a free and hot celebs dating club “RichMatchMaki ng.c om……”. I am sure he is not seriously looking but for some short-term relationship according to his profile description. seems he is very rich.
April 12th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
@ Gladstone, I thought the name of you and Dan’s crime fighting duo was Ace and Gary.
April 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I voted for this, twice somehow, but I think it coulda been better done, it was confusing as all hell for a little while, of course I voted for you because i love you and i want you to penetrate me again and again because of your other videos especially the one with the old-timey pimps. Although I did get a couple of laughs out of it which was more than you could say for the other videos.
April 12th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
My favorite Mace and Machete moment was when we took down the Teabag Ninja. I still remember how well Rhode Island slept that night.
April 12th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Incidentally, Teabag Ninja is the screenplay I wrote that the Weinstein’s just bought.
They’re saying Viggo Mortensen for the lead, which is fine, but I really wrote it with Swaim in mind.
April 12th, 2008 at 9:46 am
And that rendition of “99 Luftballoons” was comment 100.
And to fit in with the rest of the comments: *Passive aggressive attack*
April 12th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Neun und neunzig luftballoons
Neun und neunzig luftballoons!
April 12th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I lost interest in the comments on this post long ago. That is, until Swaim mentioned O’Brien teabagging unsuspecting people in their sleep. He’s like a teabag ninja!
April 12th, 2008 at 8:19 am
PETA kinda sucks… check out Penn and Teller’s documentary about it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
April 11th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Well that dog was asking for it. Do you see the collar it was wearing?
April 11th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
I’ve seen a lot of PETA activism over fur, when will they confront the real issues?
And no, it’s not enough. Why did you do it Swaim? Do you just have a thing for dogs, or was it some kind of sick revenge on Gladstone? What did Gladstone do to your provoke the attempted dog rape?
April 11th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
PETA…That is all.
April 11th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Dog rape is no laughing matter. Over 500,000 of man’s best friend is either fondled, molested, or raped a year. By Swaim alone.
Someone please think of the animals.
April 11th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
I thought Ronny’s sketch was a bit too sexual haha… here’s the direct link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
April 11th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
HOW could there be more to it than that? That’s not enough?
April 11th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
IT Guy wins the internet !!!!
Congrats…
April 11th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Shut up Tilly I hate you!
April 11th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Wow, there is way too much stuff to read here. I enjoyed the video, and as a previous wearer of a bitching set of chops (which has now exploded into a glorious beard), I am glad to see them getting the credit they deserve. People with chops can kill you with their bare hands. True story.
And can someone please clear up exactly what happened with this dog-raping incident? All I know is Swaim tried to rape Gladstone’s dog. But I get the feeling there’s more to it than that.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Sorry just saw your request. Looks like Shapiro’s got it.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Cripes Swaim. Get it right. You TRIED to rape a dog. TRIED.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
I have a fark account, Swaim. Submit it I shall.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Not funny TO YOU, Tilly, not funny TO YOU . . .
April 11th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Nope, and now I have to wait 24 hours since I didn’t have an account before. Any chance I could get you to submit?
April 11th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Swaim, have you thought about submitting the link to the youtube video on Fark.com?
April 11th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
hahahaha..
April 11th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Swaim, I resent that. I think a whole lot of tempers are flaring right now, and I think it’d be just best if we all laid down with our eyes closed and our mouths open.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Tilly, thanks for the essay. May read it if I get the chance.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Actually, I’m fairly sure Gladstone thinks I raped a dog, Ross and I are mortal enemies, and Dan tries to teabag all of us any chance he gets.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Also, I didn’t realize that the cracked bloggers were a family where you couldn’t argue with one without taking on them all. I didn’t realize yall take yourselves that seriously, either. Swaim, I have no beef with you personally. Sometimes your blogs are funny. This video wasn’t. Dan Muffin, I like your style. That’s all.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Hmmm, I like how all the 2 letter named people have the exact same opinion. It’s like one person could switch their name or something… Oh wait.
Again, I think yall take me more seriously than I take myself.
TW: I don’t know what pisses me off more about you: the fact that you twist my words to fit your argument because you’re too much of a coward to face me on equal footing or the fact that you insist on comparing apples to oranges. The day that you can make a coherent argument based on what I actually said rather than on what you wish I said so as to fit what you want to say I’ll take your words seriously.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
MJ: Allow me to explain briefly. I meant no offense in that I didn’t mean “Swaim, you are not a funny person. You will never be funny. Because this video is not funny, you fail at life.” What I DID mean was “this video isn’t funny.” My thought process was “Hmmm, this video isn’t funny. I’m going to give that feedback.” I hope you can comprehend.
I mentioned the stand up to draw a comparison. By successful, I mean I achieved my goal (i.e. - I graduated college and got to hear people laugh at stuff I wrote along the way.) No, I’m not a pro. No, I don’t have a stand up career. No, I don’t think I’m funny enough to have one. I think you missed the point. Actually, I did explain my criticism in a constructive manner. I go into detail later in the post. Also, since when is saying “that’s not funny” not constructive? It’s not like I said “I want two copies of that video’s script. One to take a shit on and one to wipe my ass with.”
Yes, the statement was meant to be ironic. No, I don’t really think I’m narcissistic. However, I did see the irony in even bringing it up. That’s why I wrote it. Also, it wasn’t meant to be self congratulating either. If you think it was, you’re probably just a douche bag. If I won the World Series, would it be self-congratulating to say “yeah, I know about how hard pitching on a large scale is. I learned during the World Series.” No, I don’t think so. Stop being a fan boy.
Also, I would like to say that it’s funny that if I mention I did something, you call it self congratulating. In a previous post, I gave my opinion with no reference. I was told my opinion didn’t matter because I had now experience with comedy. When I try to walk a fine line between explaining my comedic background and not grandstanding, it’s called “passive-aggresive ass-hattery.” So, it would appear the only way to win is to be on yall’s side. Good to see the “no you’re stupid” argument alive and well.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Damn. I had my JT fantasy all planed out, too. Dan and I were going to go to the basement of Cracked house and both pretend the other one was JT. That’s as far as I got.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Tilly, I don’t know what pisses me off more about you: the way you keep trying to suck up to the other cracked bloggers while you attack one of them or your “I’m as successful a comedian as you so you should take my opinion seriously” attitude. When Michael Swaim comes to the website you get paid to write for and tries to get attention by picking a fight with you, then you can say you’re on the same level.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Depends on who you ask. I tell people I’m a dude, but my wife says I cry like a woman when she’s working me over with “Fist-zilla”
It hurts, what am I supposed to do ?
April 11th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Dear JT,
Are you a man or a Lady? My plans for the rest of the evening will be significantly altered by this answer.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
“Hmmm, I’d be more likely to vote for this video if it wasn’t so inferior to the “voiceover” video. Or if it was funny.”
“Well, Swaim, I mean no offense by it.”
Tilly, a bigger pile of passive aggressive ass-hattery I have rarely seen. Being quite so non constructively critical would be more acceptable if you hadn’t immediately contrasted the TAM video with your own actually-quite-successful-really-as-a-matter-of-fact career as a stand up. You protest too much.
“I used to do stand up comedy partially to help put myself through college and partially because I’m a narcissistic bastard.”
I sincerely hope that sentence was written as some kind of parody. A double dose of self congratulation with the latter part masquerading as self deprecation. Perhaps you were just giving us all a comedy masterclass.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
44 diggs is all? this blog has been up for all of a day and only 44 people dugg it? I guess it would be 45 if Tilly wasnt a doooooosh.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Lets all start over.
Hi Im JT and I like the soulfull sounds of Barry Manillow, the smell of leather chaps when a man is sitting on my face, and a warm tub of vaseline on a cold rainy day.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
And a long-overdue @Lex: Wha-wha-WHAAAAT?!!!
April 11th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Yes, let’s all say we liked the blog. I am totally onboard with taking the conversation in that direction.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
what the hell just happened? Did i imagine that colour change?
Also, internet flame wars are hilarious
April 11th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Can I still say that I liked it?
… Or is that kind of done?
(I also quite like Michael Swaim. But this is probably because I have a mild crush on all the Cracked writers).
April 11th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Not much, Danatical Islam. What’s up with you?
April 11th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Hey what’s going on over here? (I hacked into the internet so now I get an email every time “Dan O’Brien” is typed anywhere, including into a comments section for a blog post, despite the fact that I don’t think anyone’s even talking about the blog anymore, (which I loved, by the way). Can you even do a parenthesis within a parenthesis?)
But, uh…What’s going on over here?
April 11th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Holy shit… It just changed…
April 11th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
JT: I did comedy up until a year ago, dumb shit. Sure, maybe I wasn’t cut out for an HBO special, but that’s not why I quit. I quit because I moved across the country, to where the somewhat regional humor that I did was completely irrelevant. I didn’t want to develop a completely new style of comedy, also, I have a full time job. So, yeah, I quit rather than completely start over at what was essentially a hobby. I was never trying to do comedy as a career. Maybe if I wanted to be poor the rest of my life, but I like having nice things. What can I say? I don’t feel that I’ve succeeded until I own every Xbox 360 game. I know I know. Pimpin ain’t easy, but it’s under control.
Also, could you please go ahead and draw the stick figures? Oh, and you’re a freaking moron.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Ahh Tilly. You had me for a moment, but no longer. I will instead try to pry the 2nd site where Mike actually maturbates on camera from Swaim himself. Enjoy slinging poo at yourself.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Peace, Dammit: How dare you claim I would stand in a room… Seriously though, yeah, probably. But, this is what the internet is for: flaming other people because you never have to look them in the face.
Swaim: I wish I could say this to you privately so as not to ruin my facade, but at this point I’m just fighting for entertainment. I mean, what else would I do? Work? Some of these people may be right, but they make such terrible arguments. Hell, I don’t even have to argue against their content, just their form.
Is strawman really an old time allusion? I didn’t realize… I thought it was timeless, kind of like fighting on the internet. Wait, you mean we didn’t always do that? Bawww, hell, Chewbakka, that ain’t no damn space station…
English: Yes, the first use of “your” was a quote. I corrected him in my response, but there were enough typos/grammatical errors that I chose to ignore it. Also, I’ve been known to make a few myself. Wouldn’t want to call the kettle black or anything.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Ok, I’ll do it just this once, but then you have to go straight to bed. No asking for another story mister…
You “USED” to do stand-up per your own statement. Since you no long do stand-up, or comedy, you sit in the corner and shit on people who do what you obviously werent cut out for. You thought you’d be clever by saying you thought of yourself as Sliding Bevel and asked me what kind of tool you were. I used an old time drill to pigeon hole your entire comedy career.
Let me know if you want me to draw stick figures for you, dummy…
April 11th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Don’t make fun of old comedy, Swaim. I mean, shit, everything after Aristophanes was just a lame comparison. You suck, because you’re not Aristophanes.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
It’s “you’re” meaning “you are”, not “your”!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghhh!
April 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
I bet if all y’all met in one room, you’d all y’all be frenz.
The fewer words I write, the less they may get ripped apart.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
“Your old, outdated, and bitter at the world cause no one thinks your importiant anymore. Sure you had your time, but now you site on the bench collecting dust and bitching at the electric drill cause you feel you could do a better job.”
JT: Well, if you didn’t mean what I read into that statement, could you please explain what you did mean? Because it sure looks like you said exactly what I suggested you said. Pehaps you should try reading your own posts sometimes, fudge brownie. Oh, and your a freaking moron.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Oh, did I say I was in a competition? I didn’t? Nope, I didn’t make any of these videos. I haven’t made anything, actually. I’m just commenting. Not trying to one up anyone. Just saying . . . geez . . . if you like the vid, vote for it, if you don’t, don’t. Not sure what you’re all upset about, Tilz. If you want to campaign against the vid, go for it. Wouldn’t want to ruin your day or anything.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Straw man? What are you, 60?
Just so you know, at this point I’m just fucking with you. I have no more reasoned arguments. Victory is yours, I imagine.
Now take your Depends and get the hell out!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Jesus Christ cupcake, you really are wound tight aren’t you..
Where did I say you were old? Where did I say you didnt like the video because it wasnt funny as old time comdey?
Oh I didnt? Oh your pulling shit out of your ass? oh…
Why dont you take yourself outside and get some fresh air.. Maybe it will help clear the “stupid” out of your head…
April 11th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
What’s the problem here Gents: HAHAHA. I just got it. You are under the impression I REALLY think Swaim masturbated on camera. How funny. Let me clear it up. I was refering to the idea that Swaim did not care whether his piece was actually funny, he just was gratifying a personal desire to be on camera. I mean, I did watch the video, I know he didn’t pull out his wang and beat it. Did you really think that’s what I meant? But, seriously, no, it’s not one of the funniest things ever. Unless you’ve never been exposed to comedy before. Then, yes, it’s probably funnier than all of the non-comedy.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
JT: I’m not THAT old, pal. I mean, I’m not college age, no. But I’m still in my 20s. Did I accidentally say somewhere that the reason I didn’t like the video is because it’s not as funny as “old time comedy?” Oh, I didn’t? Oh, that was a straw man? Oh.
What’s the problem here Gents?: Whew, good thing you pointed out my misspelling. That should do well to distract them from my arguement. Good work. Oh, and you really convinced me with your “no, you’re stupid” argument. Good job. His delivery was “Genius” you say? Well, my apologies. I should have consulted you first. Hell, I may (according to Swaim) know what is truly comedy, but you know what is comedic genius. I think you just one upped me. So, should I go buy an expensive sports car now to one up you back? I can never remember. Your right, you don’t need me. Yet, here you are responding to me. Kind of ironic, eh? Oh, but if this video is in a competition, come talk to me when you win. Then you can tell me you don’t need me.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Glad ya like it, Tilly. I’m stuck in an office too. Hope we can both go home soon.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Oops, that’s now shut up. But no shut up works too.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
No shut up.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
English: nah, not masking anything. Just easily provoked. Nor is any of this intelligent discourse. Also, what is it that I’m jealous of again? There used to be a good magazine called “Heckler.” That is, it was good when it started. But then it got bought out by a bigger skater mag. That kind of ruined it. Still, I wish someone would make a skateboarding magazine of the same quality these days. Also, I wish I was still young enough to skateboard and not get laughed at. Hell, lets be honest, I wish I could skateboard at all. Is it a lovely day? I’ve been stuck in this office all day, counting down the hours. Maybe I should turn around and look outside the window… Well, would ya look at that! It is a lovely day!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Swaim never masturbated on camera (not “masterbate”, Tilly dude). If you ever actually watched that video, it’s one of the funniest things ever. Unfortunately, a few people in the internet audience seemed to think he’s really trying to get them off, which makes one wonder about our voting block. Swaim’s delivery is comic genius. It’s okay if you don’t like it. No one asked everyone to like it. Enough people like it. We don’t need you, Tilly.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
In case anyone didn’t know April is start a Flame War month.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I would say Tilly your move of a Hand cranked drill. You know the ones they had before electricity. Your old, outdated, and bitter at the world cause no one thinks your importiant anymore. Sure you had your time, but now you site on the bench collecting dust and bitching at the electric drill cause you feel you could do a better job.
Sound about right, cupcake?
April 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Gladstone: Ironically, that was very subtle and quite funny. Perhaps you and Dan O’Brien, or as I like to call him, “A Dan for all seasons” (see what I did there?) should collaborate on a video. I’m looking forward to seeing it.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Tilly, take a chill pill. You are being ridiculous. You are masking your petty jealousy and anger as some sort of intelligent discourse. It isn’t. It is not constructive. You are what we call a heckler. Get over it. Move on. It’s a lovely day outside.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
And when Swaim tells me a piece is weak, I’m all like, “Fuck you, without me Internet Party would have never gotten a million DIGGS.”
And then he’s all like “But you had nothing to do with Internet Party. TAM! deserves all the credit for that. You co-wrote the far less popular Valentines Day skit. And Jack cut out your best line because he hates you.”
And then, I’m all like “Yeah, well my YouTube Skit is gonna beat yours.”
And Mike’s all like, “But it was eliminated in the first round because it looked like a snuff film and 50% of the references were old-timey.”
And then I cry a little and watch Arrested Development to feel better. Because it’s a very funny show.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Swaim: Well then, sounds like you have it all figured out then. Good luck with it. You must know what your doing. I mean, hell, you’re already soliciting advice from people who work for the exact same comedy publication as you do. That should be a big enough well, right? Also, I’m not sure where I said I know what is “truly funny.” I remember using the phrase, but I don’t remember making any claim. Hmmm, could it be that you like setting up straw men to knock down, even when a quick scroll up shows that that’s all you’re doing?
Sigh, I wish I wouldn’t have mentioned my distaste for AD because that was, apparently, enough to discount my entire opinion. With standards like that, how could you fail? Ok, so I’ll bite. Wanna know why you video was a yawner? It’s because it took an idea that doesn’t have any cultural relevance (somehow mutton chops make you dangerous?) and stretched a 20 second joke into a 3 minute video. Seriously, did you guys see the video for Sabotage and say, “Hey, this is too subtle (which is to say, not very subtle at all.) Why don’t we take a similar idea, only explain the joke in the first few seconds, then beat the living shit out of the punch line for the next few minutes.” I understand what you were going for. It just didn’t work. Sorry.
JT: Well, I said it myself, they can’t all be funny. So, what kind of tool am I? I like to think of myself as a Sliding Bevel… oh, and seriously, pull your head out of… well, you know where.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
TILLY MAKES THE INTERNET FUN!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Damn it, you keep dragging me in! And I wasn’t saying I wanted to end the conversation because you mentioned it, just because I don’t want to dominate the thread (which we’re now doing…hope it entertains everyone).
I make a living doing Muskets and Muskets-related comedy writing. Barely, but I do, and it’s getting better all the time. I have no other job, and I plan to be a professional comedy writer for the rest of my life, whatever that’s worth.
Responding “fuck you” to “you suck” is what I do ONLY when I have no reason to take the opinion of the person saying “you suck” seriously. Believe me, I solicit harsh critiques from most of the comedians I know, and anyone willing to give one who’s opinion I trust. When Gladstone tells me a piece was weak, I ask why. When Jack or Abe or any number of people tell me something needs massaging, I ask them what made them think so, and then I usually agree with them. Our next vid is on it’s fifth draft because of things just like that. But when a random Internet person who has already admitted they don’t like AD makes a snarky comment, I make one back. It’s playtime, not work. When I work, I work.
I’m glad you have a firm grip on what is “truly funny.” Good luck with that. I’m still working on it, and I make no apologies for that. I just brazenly ask for support, because, frankly, I think relative to other web sketch troops, we are good enough to deserve some support. That’s the beginning and end of it, and hopefully that’s not offensive to anyone.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Wow I might be insulted if I didnt know what a tool you actually were. You said you like critisim when your material sucked? That one sucked huge horse cock.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Glass is not as bad as 2-3 packs of full flavor menthol cigarettes. You’re like what 13? those lungs will heal. I’ll take that chance.
Let me know where to send the money if you want sell, otherwise I need to continue my plans for my Bejing Olmplics/get new lungs on the Chinese black market trip.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
JT: Could you please quote where I “suggest that TAM doesnt put any thought or work behind their videos?”
Oh, that’s right, I didn’t. Maybe you would have read that if your senses weren’t so insulated by the inside of Swaim’s rectum.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Im surprised that Tilly suggests that TAM doesnt put any thought or work behind their videos.
Shit “Emo song” in itself looks like it took months to get right, and alot of money to produce.
The twinkie consumption by Abe alone must have cost the TAM budget thousands of dollars.
And Swaim can I get a link to that other site when you get a chance? No rush, I have other jack material I can use until then..
April 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Gladstone: actually, I’m part terrier. Go figure.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Mike: If you want to end the conversation, that’s fine. However, I’ll respond as long as you give me something to respond to.
Allow me to correct your last post in a few places:
1. I never said I consider myself a professional. I don’t. I USED to do stand up comedy to help pay for college and for fun. I don’t do it any more. I am not, and never will be, a professional stand up comedian. Unless you’re making a living with this whole Muskets thing, neither are you, no matter how you think of yourself.
2. I can’t say whether you’re past the fawning stage. I can tell you I kind of knew I was out of it when people would say “you suck” and I stopped responding with “no, you suck!!!” Instead, I started asking “why?” because I wanted to be better than I was.
3. I never said I spent more time than you did. I was responding to your statement that I somehow spent significantly less time. I have no clue how much time you spent. I honestly don’t care. This is a hard pill to swallow (or at least it was for me) but time=/= quality. You probably already know that, but it doesn’t hurt to say it again.
4. Why do you keep suggesting I think you shouldn’t comment back? Did I say that somewhere? This is the second time now you’ve acted like I said something I didn’t. Be as snarky as you want. Duh it’s the internet. Hell, you can be a 6′3 tranny who goes by Patrice for all I care. Actually, now that would be funny.
5. You’re welcome, I suppose, for the “compliment,” but let me point one more thing out. Being from a school of comedy doesn’t constitute a comparison. “Last Call with Carson Daly” is from the Johnny Carson school of late night talk shows. I don’t think ANYONE is ready to dignify the former by comparing it to the latter. Read into that what you like. As far as you not trying hard enough or being a lazy ivory tower genius (whatever that is,) I, again, have no clue where I said that. However, I still have no way of gauging your effort. I would definitely say we have a difference in humor. But I’m no pluralist. That is, I don’t think all comedy is equal. Some things simply aren’t funny. Sure, a few people might laugh at a 7-year-old’s knock knock joke. Does that make it truly funny?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
The David Cross/Michael Showalter comparison is spot-on. I always recommend Muskets and Stella to my friends in the same breath. MUSKETS FTW!
April 11th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I would DIGG a video of Swaim and TillyKGB hate-fucking each other.
Too bad TillyKGB’s not a dog.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
And Glendoor: I don’t smoke, but I do inhale glass dust every morning as a stimulant.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Tilly: I kind of want to stop talking about this with you, but I did read your comment and understand where you’re coming from. Thanks for the advice, but know that I also consider myself a professional and I’m a little past the point of just wanting people to fawn all over me. I don’t masturbate on camera (not through Muskets at least; that’s a different site). I make the best comedy I can and don’t really have any illusions or need to be spoon-fed praise. To think that I spend any less time working on videos than you spent on your stand-up isn’t just naive, it’s hypocritical. If it’s not your thing, fine, and you can comment all you want–just know that I’m allowed to come right back and be as snarky as I want. It’s the goddamned Internet.
But to be honest, calling our stuff “from the David Cross/Michael Showalter school of comedy” and pointing out that you don’t care for Arrested Development just proves to me that this is a difference of taste, not a problem of me being a lazy ivory tower genius or not trying hard enough. Because, frankly, those comparisons are THE MOST FLATTERING the troupe has ever received as far as I’m concerned. So…thanks?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I’m not interested in a bj Swaim, As a smoker for the last twenty five years I’m more interested in where they are taking your lungs.
I will gladly pay $10000 per lung that way your pekingese can have half a house and you could gladly use my old lungs as the roof because they are full of tar and will make excellent roofing material.
Do you smoke or have you had any kind serious respiratory illness please let me know.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Mike: sorry if it didn’t translate well, but I was being sarcastic. Honestly, I think you’re taking me more seriously than I take myself, or you for that matter.
However, since you have breached the subject, I’ll say this honestly:
I really did used to do stand up. I was pretty good at it, actually. To say that the writing/perfecting process was just me sitting in my room chuckling and writing down things I found funny is a bit naive. Sure, some comedians have monotone deliveries and do a bunch of one liners. That wasn’t my style. I told stories. I don’t know how many hours I spent writing, rewriting, editing, trying different deliveries, reorganizing, working on timing, etc… but I can assure you it used to take up ALL my free time.
I used to have a group of friends we called the “peanut gallery.” They would listen to my new bits/acts and give me feedback before I did them in front of an audience. This was a practice I borrowed from a much more experienced comedian. No, they didn’t really say the stuff about the seizures or horse cock, but I did ask them to be brutaly honest and they often told me stuff I had spent hours developing just wasn’t funny. That’s what I wanted and needed them to do.
Here’s the thing: I don’t think I was a good comedian because I’m a naturally hilarious person. When I first started doing stand up, most people who knew me said, “why? You’re not funny.” I believe the success I had was due to the fact that I knew I wasn’t abnormally funny. I knew if I wrote 10 bits, 9 would probably suck. But I knew if I could string together enough of the gems, people might pay me to make them laugh.
To tell the truth, I don’t think much of what “Those Aren’t Musketts” does is funny. It seems to come from the David Cross/Michael Showater school of comedy, of which I am not a fan. Of course, my opinion doesn’t make it not funny. There are a lot of people who think Arrested Development is funny too (you might remember my opinion on that subject.)
But, for what it’s worth, allow me to offer a bit of advice. If you want to masterbate on camera, that’s fine. Surround yourself with people who fawn all over everything you do, including the junk. If you really want to be funny and make something to be pround of, ask people to tell you your stuff sucks when it does. It will only make the good stuff that much better.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
You go, Mike!
April 11th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
On a side note Michael when are you going to do another Super Smash Bros. Theater. The first one made me giggle like a school girl.
I have juvenile humor.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I’ll be in Clairemont this weekend. I still have family in Diego.
Let me show you my yock.
My yock, let me show you it.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
And JT, your blowjob awaits.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Tilly: The only difference that bothers me is the fact that rather than you sitting alone in your room writing jokes to impress your friends (who sound like assholes), this video represented hours and hours of work for upwards of thirty people, all of them my good friends. I don’t like that getting knocked. So of course my ego’s not hurt–Internet people don’t really have the ability to do that as long as I know I’m making things and they’re just commenting on them. But if I didn’t at least come back with some kind of burn, I’d be just as shitty a friend as it sounds like you’ve surrounded yourself with.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
on a serious note.
Get out the vote its only at 24 diggs.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Voicetalkers is awesome…we like the POYKPAC guys. But for the record, you can vote for both of them. You just give the ones you like thumbs up and the ones you hate thumbs down. So there’s no need for favorites other than as a means to stab me right in the heart.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Swaim, Im upset now.. You let kingmonkey penetrate your mouth for a vote? I got robbed !!!
April 11th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Well, Swaim, I mean no offense by it. You can’t hit them all out of the park.
I used to do stand up comedy partially to help put myself through college and partially because I’m a narcissistic bastard. Sometimes, after shows, my friends would have to say things to me like, “Sorry, I didn’t see anything after that ‘too much coffee’ bit because it caused me to go into seizures” or “that impression of Gore Vidal truly blew horse cock. Like, I mean, big, flea infested, pusstulous, unwashed, horse cock.”
It’s ok, your ego will survive. However, you won’t have the option to wait until I’m good and drunk and beat the living piss out of me like I did those fucks who didn’t like my awesome comedy. Sorry.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I voted for you, Mike, because I love you, but I really just want to give you mad props for the Wizard People reference.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I admit, Voiceover was pretty funny, and I liked the guy who gets chicks by doing nothing. Still, I voted for Swaim because he gave me a blowj- I mean, he asked nicely!
April 11th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Yeah, great. Thanks for that. You’re an awesome person.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Hmmm, I’d be more likely to vote for this video if it wasn’t so inferior to the “voiceover” video. Or if it was funny.
Sorry to burst your bubble. At least I’m too apathetic to vote for either, right?
April 11th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Is that offer good for everyone kingmonkey?
cause I got this friend who loves the feeling of having thumbs shoved up my ass.
Oops, did I say my ass?
April 11th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Swaim, you’re at your most endearing when shamelessly seeking praise. I’ll give you the thumbs up, all right…
… up your ass!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:35 am
That video kicks the arse. Oh, where am I right now? I’m throwing wiener poopy at Hannah Montana!
Oh Chops, you caught me!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:27 am
By the way, my grammar gargles junk !!!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I’ll digg it Swaim, but you have to gargle my junk while doing complex math equations and spinning plates on your fingers.
I make everyone do this for a favor, so relax.
Wanna borrow the car? Gargle the junk!
Need 50 cents for the coke machine? Gargle the junk!
Wanna gargle the junk? Then… uh… Gargle the junk?
April 11th, 2008 at 9:30 am
@Mike’s Mom: Call me.
April 11th, 2008 at 9:01 am
That was all Swaim . . . David Swaim, Mike’s brother! (the scruffy Chops guy)
April 11th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Genius.
Although I wanted more Swaim!
April 11th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Does that mean I’m a cold heartless bastard?
April 11th, 2008 at 8:15 am
awesome.
I would be a cold heartless bastard if I let the Pekinese freeze outside