While this blog has done a fairly good job of documenting my chest hair, I regret to say there is frighteningly little else that has been revealed about me. Those of you who had the diligence to go to my website learned that my first name is Wayne and that I live in Maine. But what else have you gathered? Not much. It’s true. When it comes to blogging, I play it pretty close to the vest.
Indeed, so close, that I’ve apparently managed to keep things even from myself. For example, I’ve only recently discovered that somehow in the last few years, I’ve managed to gain about 25 pounds. See, in my delusional mind, I was still the grungy frontman for Ithaca’s greatest band, Slowburn (pictured in the top left). Not that I was Brad Pitt, but let’s just say I was someone Daniel O’Brien wouldn’t kick out of bed. But as revealed by my entry in YouTube ’s recent video contest, I’ve become something of a tubby, little bastard. And not all the bad lighting, poor sound, or continuity errors in the world can change that. Anyway, I realize now my contest entry might be disqualified because it refers to a public figure which apparently YouTube says you can’t do. (Although last year’s second place winner had a George Bush impersonator in it?) In any event, if it somehow makes it into the top 20, people will be asked to vote on it, but let’s not worry about that yet. Just enjoy the way I’ve let myself go and hopefully you’ll like some of the jokes too.
I’m also using this somewhat unorthodox blog post to announce that I bought an eliptical yesterday and I intend to chronicle my weight loss. You, dear Cracked Blog readers, are truly blessed.
This entry was posted on Monday, March 3rd, 2008 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Contains Pictures That Make Me Want To . . ., Cracked House, Vblog, Weight Loss Chronicle. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka)
An Open Letter To American Express
Adam Lambert vs. Clay Aiken: The Gayest Feud of All-Time
A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30)
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Looking back at this day in history is kind of sad. Seeing how quickly a motivationaly message of one man deciding to get his weight down turned into a parade of dead baby jokes… it kind of makes me ashamed to be here (and I have notoriously low standards!).
March 31st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
[...] vinyl windows carpet best quality san francisco best hotels brea bennett buy hockey jersey Gladstone’s Personal Weight Loss Update — Total Loss At Day 27: Four [...]
March 17th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
[...] Gladstone’s Personal Weight loss update — Total Loss At Day 13: Three pounds. [...]
March 6th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
And the saurians, jealous of our selfish way of maintaining just the RIGHT internal temperature all by ourselves, decided to kill us off slowly, slowly, until the beautiful earth would again be theirs to rule like their forefathers so long ago, before that DAMNED asteroid hit protoSouth America and just f—-d up the whole thing for EVERYONE!
But first, to loosen their irritating, nurturing attachment to their young, by popularizing…the dead baby jokes. Sure, first it’s just a tasteless series of jokes by social outcasts. The next thing you know—it’s the lastest thing in “healthcare cost containment”. Maybe it’ll take a thousand years; but they’ve been waiting 65 MILLION to grab the reins once again. They can wait. Yessssss, they can wait….
March 5th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Yeah, saurians are jealous of your luxuriant, mammalian fur.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Maybe you’ve developed a reptillian fanbase.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:57 am
SSSTEVE not sure if you’re referring to the vid, the post, or the dead baby jokes. In the end, however, it’s hard to care, as you spell your screen name like a lisping simpleton.
March 5th, 2008 at 7:16 am
Wow, was that unfunny.
March 5th, 2008 at 1:15 am
Yeah, who brought up the dead baby shit anyway. He ought to have his ass kic…… Oh.
Never mind.
March 5th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Geez don’t I just hope that all of you that made these dead baby jokes, lose a child. Wouldn’t that be funny? Also make pics of their little corpses so we can post it here and all have a good laugh at their innocent little dead faces. Wow I am cracking up with laughter allready! So have a good time with your dead babies guys. I am really wishing this on all of you!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
@ Commander Ross: That’s not how you make a dead baby float. I make mine with dead babies, ice cream and root beer.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Golden god, hmm, like Buddha?
March 4th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Do not question me glendoor! In less than 3 months I will be a golden god!
March 4th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Or you could eat less and do sit ups.
March 4th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Weight loss update!!! I have been informed that the eliptical has been delivered and assembled. tonight, it begins!
March 4th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
“What’s that? Oh, I’m just compiling a list of people who are going to Hell.” The devil smiled to himself as he continued to peruse the comments on http://www.cracked.com.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Yeah, I was actually just being sarcastic, I’m kind of scaring myself now actually…
….to be fair one of my best friends told me that joke, and posted it as a comment on my Myspace, so I’m more worried about his mental sanity than anything else.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:30 am
no the character of Joey Gladstone (zany uncle loves babysitting) always struck me as a little suspect. also,
Q.What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A.An erection
March 4th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Q. What’s the worst thing about a dead baby?
A. The years and years of utter anguish it causes its mother.
ZOMG LOLZ
March 4th, 2008 at 9:33 am
At this point, the dead baby jokes are making me as uncomfortable as a pair of my old jeans.
Eliptical arrives today. Look out.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:48 am
I have the worst dead baby joke:
Q. How do you make a dead baby float?
A. Take your foot off it’s head.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Brentin, that is not my wife in the Slowburn photo.
Nadia, thanks. The training starts today. I have to get in shape for May’s Mr. Dynamite Abs Blogger competition. Ross is already hitting the roids.
March 4th, 2008 at 2:12 am
An acting class woulldn’t go astray fatty.
(Sorry, I had a bad day today).
March 4th, 2008 at 1:45 am
P.S. Make sure you use resistance on the elliptical. Coasting on those bitches will not do anything.
March 4th, 2008 at 1:42 am
Your old photo looks sexy. If this video/blog thing doesn’t work out (I am trying real hard not to make an asshole remark), you can cut and paste that photo on all those cheesy sex novelty gift cards that older women give each other on their birthdays.
March 4th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Is that your wife sitting beside you in the Slowburn pic?
March 3rd, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Hannah Montana kills babies
March 3rd, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Hannah Montana invented dead baby jokes.
March 3rd, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Well, Gladstone, it was a good run, but I can almost guarantee that this comments section is going to quickly turn into a Dead Baby Jokes Greatest Hits.
Oh well.
Q. What’s the worst thing about having a dead baby?
A. There’s so much, it’s hard to put your finger on one “worst thing.” Sometimes you forget and accidentally set an additional plate of strained peas for dinner. You miss the crying and you hate yourself for ever being aggravated by it. You’re afraid to be intimate with your wife because of the possibility that it will lead to just another, similarly heartbreaking situation and you’re not sure if you can go through that torture again. Also your house just feels colder, in a way.
(I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand how these jokes are supposed to work.)
March 3rd, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Actually I’d say the worst dead baby joke is:
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
You can’t fuck a rock
March 3rd, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I wondered if that was you in the back. Rockin’ the chest hair even back then, you rebel!
(you sure it wasn’t Marilyn Manson?)
March 3rd, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Speaking of dead baby jokes, this is by far the worst joke I have ever heard in my life…
What’s the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can’t unload bowling balls with a pitchfork
March 3rd, 2008 at 7:29 pm
@ Cmdr. Ross Yes I do that. It is in hope that I come across his Amy Winehouse outfit. I’m also looking for his copy of “Big Book of Dead Baby Jokes.
March 3rd, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Ah, memories…
Actually, I think it was Jayne Mansfield, but, other than that, you speak the truth.
March 3rd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
You younger readers may not be old enough to remember, but Slowburn used to rip it up back in the day. They may look like a couple of latchkey kids in that picture, but make no mistake- those little rockers were off the chain, not too long ago. Opened for the Stones, co-headlined a tour with The Who. The one in the horizontal-striped used to bone Marilyn Monroe.
Little known fact: On The Beatles’ Abbey Road, that’s actually Gladstone playing guitar for “Something.” He and George Harrison got along famously and Harrison snuck him into the studio one night to get the track down exactly right. Harrison wanted that “slowhand sound” that Gladstone had mastered, (Slowburn. Makes sense now, doesn’t it?).
March 3rd, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Is this confessing you rummage through Gladstone’s wardrobe on weekends Glendoor?
March 3rd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Yes it was the no shirt part I was able to tell that was really you.
March 3rd, 2008 at 5:10 pm
and green corduroy salvation army purchased sports jacket with no shirt.
March 3rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
and boots?
March 3rd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Good luck on the weight loss. Great fashion sense in the Slowburn picture, are you wearing shorts?
March 3rd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
You sort of look like my uncle…who went to the States sometime over Christmas and no one has heard from since…
….hmm.
March 3rd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Don’t feel bad Wayne from Maine; I wouldn’t kick you out of bed. Of course, I have notoriously low standards. Unless my wife is reading this, then I accept only the best!
And Mrs.glendoor42, you’ll always have a special place in my bed, too.
March 3rd, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Is that a Dave Coulier reference? Are you calling him a pedophile bc of the the Alanis stuff?
March 3rd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Your name is Wayne? I thought you were likely pedophile JOEY Gladstone! Cut! It! Out!