An artificial intelligence expert by the name of David Levy has recently predicted that within the next 40 years, robots will have advanced to the point where they’ll be so similar to humans in appearance and mannerisms that people will have sex with them freely. None of the articles I’ve read state whether Mr. Levy grows agitated and sweaty when discussing this, but I’m going to go ahead and say that yes, he does become agitated, and sweatily aroused when discussing fucking robots, the loose linen pants he prefers doing nothing to conceal his desires. That’s just the kind of reporter I am.
With my baseless slander set aside for the week, I can turn to the hard, turgid issues raised by this concept. This is more than just the sexual equivalent of a batting cage we’re talking about here. Pleasuring spouses is one of the last great American industries to resist out-sourcing, so the concept of robotic labor making inroads into the sector is a grim portent indeed. As it happens, the topic of love making robots came up several times in a series of short, uhh, stories I once wrote on a newsgroup for a popular space travel themed show set where no man has gone before. So I’d already compiled several notes on the subject, which I present below in an exciting enumerated format:
1) Virginity. Right off the bat, here’s a question that needs to be answered: are you still a virgin if you do it with a robot? I never seriously counted my first clumsy experiences with R.O.B. but will future-lads feel the same?
2) Error messages. Unless there’s similar advances in the fields of sugar-coating, the error messages presented by a sexbot are a potential minefield for user relations. You thought you hated the paperclip before?
3) Viruses. At least we’d be safe from old fashioned diseases of the sort typically communicated by Thai-lady-boys. With proper maintenance, (which I don’t encourage you to think about too closely) your chances of catching VD from a sexbot will be fairly minimal. But keeping your robotic lover protected from electronic diseases could be a major headache. Left unguarded, malicious code could be uploaded to your efficient bedtime pal, compromising your personal data. Sure you don’t tattoo your bank PIN number on your dick now, but who knows how banks will work in the future? And how awkward would it be if your robotic paramour clamped down and held your genitals hostage until a ransom was paid? Imagine that happening the day before an important social event. 21st century Jane Austin-esque novelists will have more to say on the subject I’m sure.
4) Spam. The possibility of your lover becoming hijacked and turned into a spambot is a little discomforting to me. Imagine while you’re busy sort of doing your thing and trying to find a comfortable place to put your left knee, it’s all like: “You A+++ FLOPPY DICK LOVER! NEED M8KE LOVE LIKE TERRIBLE SKY DEMON? BUILD CANON DONG WITH DISCOUNT V1@grA! HAVE PENIS LIKE FIERCE JUNGL ROCKETSHIP!”
5) Body Modifications. The do it yourself culture will have a field day with these things. Sure it will start in small ways, like installing larger breasts, or lowering it an inch or two and swapping in some bigger rims. But don’t think it will stop there.
6) Multiple Personalities. Same vein. It will also be relatively straightforward to be able to download alternate personalities for your sexbot. Whether you want your lover to be submissive, dominant, or Chinese, there will be a ready-made personality available for download. And again, the potential for fan mods is limitless. How great would it be making love to Wario? “Hah Hah! I’m ahhh gonnna weeen!”
7) Robots having sex with each other. I’ve been talking here mainly from the perspective of males making use of female shaped robots, because if we’re being perfectly honest with each other, that will clearly make up a little north of 99% of the market. But there’s nothing preventing this same technology from being used to make male sex-bots - who I’m sorry to say gents, will always know where to put their left knee. And seeing as the interface between males and females is pretty standardized, how can this not devolve into robots humping each other? Think of the potential for Battlebots style competitions. Just this sea of spindly, greasy-haired dudes surrounding a Plexiglas arena with a bed in the middle. Awesome. Gross.
__
But let’s calm down a bit and remember one thing: 2050 is a long way off. Societal trends and technological advances can shift or move in any direction during such a lengthy period. By that time, there may be so many new and exciting places to stick our penises that the concept of sex with a robot will seem laughably antiquated.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
- Cracked's New Year's Resolutions - January 6th, 2009
- The Lament of the Hardcore Wii owner - December 23rd, 2008
- Shoe Attack Lesson #1: Bush Has Mortal Kombat Reflexes - December 16th, 2008
- The TRUTH about why Obama can't be President - December 9th, 2008
- The American Recession as Explained by a Canadian - December 2nd, 2008
November 19th, 2008 at 5:16 am
I recommend http://www.dieselsweeties.com for more robot romance, so funny
October 10th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
“I’ve been talking here mainly from the perspective of males making use of female shaped robots, because if we’re being perfectly honest with each other, that will clearly make up a little north of 99% of the market.”
Really? Given that there is already a $100 billion* vibrator industry?
*figure made up
July 12th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I would straight up devour an 8-inch can of SPAM. Mmm mmm.
July 12th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Actually, the comment that the “personalities” may have already been written isn’t too far from the truth. Anyone familiar with Chobits will know that Chi’s (co main protagonist) “reset” switch was placed so that you had to actually love her every way but physically. Otherwise, she was just a machine that could be reset. But was she just a machine? Chobits is actually more than just the usual manga fanboy jerk-off material.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
[...] other important work I’ve been thinking about recently is this article on [...]
July 11th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
8 inches!? Well at least I’ll have 4 inches worth to eat afterwards.
July 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
There are also hot discussion on this
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July 11th, 2008 at 2:19 am
Hi, guys, nice discussion, But it is new year now, would you love to try something new to celebrate these great days? How about interracial hot dating? mixed loving . c o m you will be surprised
July 10th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I liked the old title of this post better
July 10th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
spam can…
…
…
…
…
…
…
eww
July 10th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
In the glory days of seafaring whalers, one ship had on board a rubber mannequin that looked like a woman in all the important places. The men on the ship had their way with “her” to the point that all of the men on the ship eventually had the syphillis that one of them had. We can expect the same thing from the expected sharing of sex-bots that will eventually happen.
July 10th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
somehow the idea of millions of lord of the ring sexbots leading a conga line of princess leah’s disturbs me beyong the point of normal geekiness.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
You put your left knee in her vagina, no?
July 10th, 2008 at 11:56 am
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July 10th, 2008 at 11:30 am
40 years?! Goddammit, i was told 20… and that was nearly 10 years ago. I’ll be dead by then! Get off your asses ’scientists’.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Man what kind of fucked gay pride rally did that pic of the penis suit dude come from, or on second thought I probably don’t want to know?
July 10th, 2008 at 6:50 am
Recently, quite a few celebrities and pro athletes were said to appear on the millionaire luxury club “R I C H L O V I N G.C O M ” to hook up with hot girls, ladies, models… OMG!!! Are these famous guys fond of internet dating for now?? Maybe they are indeed so rich that they feel boring sometimes to need new things? It was reported on MSN Charlie Sheen has found his girl there last May.
July 10th, 2008 at 6:07 am
2050 eh? Well, I’ll be 81 years old by then and the only thing more creepy than a dude going down on a robot is an 81 year old dude going down on a robot. I’ll be happy if my junk still works by then.
July 10th, 2008 at 3:24 am
Is it ’cause they’re made of candy?
July 10th, 2008 at 1:32 am
You seem to vastly underestimate the sex drive of women, or highly overestimate the ability if the average straight guy. There’s a reason that vibrators sell well
July 10th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Ug yeah oh!! god yes, oh baby!! im gonna im gonna…
PLEASE INSERT 25c FOR THE NEXT THREE MINUTES
nevermind.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:59 am
I totally don’t get the censoring.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:58 am
I said s*x. Not f*cking, not cor*holing, not frying up a go*dam dog, and my comment got swished to the great beyond.
It was really good, too.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Excellent article. Somebody give this guy the video slot and remove Gladstone. He doesn’t even have to appear in the videos. Just show a still of that penis guy in the pic and narrate over the top.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
when i saw the spam i thought
‘talk about porking!’
July 9th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
seriously, that dick suit is disturbing…I will have nightmares. Incidentally, that paper clip couldn’t possibly know what my exgirlfriend said to me… could it?
July 9th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
If the android has a good ass, I’d gladly insert my floppy into her disk drives. .
Where I come from, clues are cheaper. The government subsidises them. Not that they use it much.
July 9th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
jane *austen
July 9th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
man i look fat in that picture
July 9th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Spam?
July 9th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Anyone who remembers Pris from Blade Runner knows that sexy robots is a terrible, terrible idea.
Anyone who remembers Kristanna Loken from T3 knows that movies about sexy robots is a terrible, terrible idea.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I want to thank you, MaxProwess. Now I know what George Washington looked like naked. Damn Martha!
July 9th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
“I heard that ,motherfucker, had like 30 goddamn dicks!”
First thing that came to mind when I saw the dick costume.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Someone tipped me on filling a thermos with boiled, cold macaroni, as a subsitute for SPAM.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
2 things…
1. That pic HAS to be a craption some day!
2. Is he married?
July 9th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Remember what the Space Pope said: DON’T DATE ROBOTS!!
July 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
“How great would it be making love to Wario? “Hah Hah! I’m ahhh gonnna weeen!”
Seriously I almost died at that point, fucking brilliant.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
SPAM, huh? Never tried it…
July 9th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
“Hah Hah! I’m ahhh gonnna weeen!”
Brilliant.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Has anyone ever read Chobits?
http://www.mangafox.com/page/manga/series/26/chobits/
The Japanese certainly have written manga about this subject. I’ve read it. It’s quite disturbing.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Wow, sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the closet. And by “somebody”, I mean noneoftheabove. And by “closet” I mean he’s totally gay.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Would there be specific sex bots for people with fetishes? Like a whole line of women with perfect hair and impecably trimmed toenails…
July 9th, 2008 at 11:03 am
There, is that good kingmonkey+1?
July 9th, 2008 at 11:02 am
HEY VANILLA, GET BACK IN LINE BITCH!!!!!
July 9th, 2008 at 11:00 am
I have a feeling that much of the code for the sex personalities has already been written, just waiting for the hardware…
July 9th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Yeah, I mean at his uncompetitive clue prices I’d be pricing myself out of the clue market. And only a bad clue consumer would do that.
My clue broker would be outraged.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Clues are going for about 2.25 these days. Don’t you know there’s a recession?
July 9th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Panzier-Stier Ross: True, because there have NEVER been any Democrats who were also homophobes! Pure comedy genius! How ’bout telling some more good ones, like how Asians are horrible drivers but great at math? *rolls eyes* Here’s a dollar, buy a clue.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I’m a hot girl, I feel lonely… What I really need is love, Feel free to chat with me on “B l a c k W h i t e K i s s . c o m” where i upload my photos and many black or white singles seeking love online.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:44 am
…and the possibilities of 8 inch spam. oh my god! - if god were real!
July 9th, 2008 at 8:43 am
so can the sexbots like beat the shit out of you? pull hair? do it doggystyle? these are all concerns of mine. seriously vibrators suck compared to real sex but at least it’s two minutes tops. I don’t think a robot could replace a dude for me- unless it couldnt yank on my hair and beat the shit out of me. It’s hard to find guys who don’t totally blow and want to fuck me and fuck me up. So in that case downloading sounds pretty easy.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:28 am
glendoor42, can you please put vanilla back in line? Your girls are getting a bit to intrusive.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:30 am
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July 8th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
No.No, that is all Bucholz right there. I wish I’d thought that shit up.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Glendoor likes that line because Bucholz snatched it from him…
July 8th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
You had me at “NEED M8KE LOVE LIKE TERRIBLE SKY DEMON?”
July 8th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I wonder how long Butch Holes has been waiting for this announcement. Soon, Robotman, soon, you will have a Robotwoman as your eternal companion.
A triumphant, slightly maniacal laugh is appropriate at this juncture.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
While I can see some great upsides to this whole deal - easily escaping from a nightmarish one night stand, not having to buy expensive lingerie in order to prove to your partner you’re not a complete derelict who lives in sweat pants and oversize t-shirts - they still do not make up for the notion that you’re having sex with a robot.
Plus, if robotics advances any like the plot of the movie bicentennial man then eventually these robots will develop feelings, want to have some sort of emotional relationship with you and end up as hairy as Robin Williams.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
This is absolutely brilliant. Bucholz you continue to impress.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
8 inch Spam.
Clever.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
@ kingmonkey+1, the only word that I know for sure that wordpress hates is p0rn.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Truly. “is it in yet?”, classic.
July 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
This was funny enough to temporarily bring me out of my lurking shell. GREAT post. The paperclip was a nice touch.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Aaaah, Bucholz; amazing post.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Why would the can need to be that deep? Um…I mean, only 8 inches? Girly man.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Well thanks Bucholz. Now i will never look at SPAM the same way.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:38 am
And that’s why I’ll left my sexbot disconected from the internet, just in case
July 8th, 2008 at 9:28 am
““You A+++ FLOPPY DICK LOVER! NEED M8KE LOVE LIKE TERRIBLE SKY DEMON? BUILD CANON DONG WITH DISCOUNT V1@grA! HAVE PENIS LIKE FIERCE JUNGL ROCKETSHIP!””
This is positively the funniest thing you ever wrote Bucholz!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
July 8th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I’ve given up even trying to figure out what this damn site filters out.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I’m fairly sure that every one of these points has already been covered in a Japanese hentai comic book comewhere. Thank God the Japanese were foresighted enough to grant us this kind of insight.
God bless them and their tentacle-loving robo-dickgirls.
How about it, Wordpress?
July 8th, 2008 at 8:37 am
That picture looks like the creature that haunts the dreams of a homophobe Republican every night.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:36 am
You killed my erection you fucking jerk!