Dear Jewish Defense League,
My name is Ross Wolinsky. I’m a Jew, a Cracked blogger, and an all-around good guy. We’ve never met before, but that’s probably because I never had a good reason to write to you… until today. Sure, I’ve encountered some light anti-semitism in the past (growing up, sometimes my friends would call me “bignose” or “diamond-hoarding devil banker who lives at the center of the Earth and controls global geopolitics”), but that’s probably to be expected when you’re one of the chosen people. I dealt with those problems myself back then. “Don’t hate the player - hate the game,” I told them, coining an idiom that would take the rap scene by storm years later.
“Also, shut up, Gandhi dothead,” I added. You know - because the kid was Indian.
That’s all water under the bridge now, but today I came across a video on The YouTube and knew almost immediately that I needed to write you. Only you, Jewish Defense League, are capable of righting this most egregious wrong.
I have no problem with viewing a digitized likeness of a goat on YouTube. I’m not sure what the Torah has to say about looking at digitized goat likenesses, but my guess is that it’s okay as long as you’re not drinking a glass of milk at the same time. I also don’t care that the women in this video are completely fixated on the goat’s balls, even though it’s weird and could probably be the subject of an entire Nooner in and of itself. No - I’m writing you today because it’s obvious that the goat featured in this video, with his nasal voice, whiny demeanor and overbearing greediness, is perpetuating a negative Jewish stereotype.
And that’s not even to mention the horns and cloven hooves.
You’re probably wondering, Jewish Defense League, “What does this hilarious and handsome Cracked blogger want us to do? Email The YouTube and have them take the video down?” That’s a nice sentiment, but with so many video-sharing sites out there I don’t think that would be enough. If you’re really committed to the cause, Jewish Defense League, now is your chance to prove it: Head down to the Jambbas Ranch in Fayetteville, NC, find that goat, and put him in a body bag. Or maybe just bring him some books that will teach him to be proud of his heritage. I guess it’s your call.
Oh, and hey, Jewish Defense League: as long as I’ve got your attention, is 26 too old for a Bar Mitzvah? Hit me back.
Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
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April 27th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
DOB isn’t jewish. They don’t let people that are mostly Irish (and 1/8th black) become Jews, do they?
April 18th, 2008 at 7:41 am
That richmatchmaking.com spam is perpetuating the false stereotype of rich Jews!
April 18th, 2008 at 12:57 am
I like it. I will share it with my friends I met on ‘ RichMatchMaking. com ‘. It is a luxury dating site where Charlie Sheen found his love last May it is reported by MSN. Recently, seems Britney joined the site too.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Ah yes, gargantuan, pendulous testicles. Truly a hurtful and false stereotype of Jews.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
SERGEI FEDEROV!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 17th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Let me tell you, O’Brien is a Jew asshole. He’s off doing his asshole Jew business, eating baby hearts, conspiring against America and keeping the terrorist alert at Orange (manually).
April 17th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I split from nothing! Except, you know, everything.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Splitter!
April 17th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
That goat sounded exactly like DoodleBob, from the episode of Spongebob where SB draws himself with a magic pencil and it comes to life….
maybe somebody drew that Jewgoat with a magic pencil.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Hey Goat, shut your fucking mouth and get back in the bed of that truck before I beat you with this Hickory stick again.
Stinky nuts.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
In all fairness, they do specifically single it out as “the black one” before focusing on his enormous genitalia. Maybe you’re not the only one under attack, Big Nose.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Better than the Popular Front, that guy’s an asshole.
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April 17th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
BJC, I believe you’re thinking of the Judean People’s Front. Or is that the People’s Front of Judea? I can never keep them straight. The one with the suicide squads.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Wait… you’re a jew?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Isn’t the Jewish Defense League a terrorist paramilitary organization? Do you want the goat shot up, or do you want the Anti-Defamation League?
April 17th, 2008 at 11:32 am
That was hilarious. The people in the office think I was the one making the Jewish goat sounds. That’s not strange around here, though. Now they’re just wondering who was laughing like a girl in my office.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:27 am
He is busy letting his penis type comments.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Where is Daniel O’Brien?
April 17th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I believe that goat has been possesed Jerry Lewis.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:11 am
This was hilarious, but honestly, i think it just shows, that even anti Jew stereotypes get female attention, i think this video is actually a testament to the sexiness of, well, the old testament. Even evil false Jew goats get their balls checked out.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:10 am
That goat was clearly very funny judging from the video, although the joke was way over my head Goat humour is not my forte. Perhaps it should be tracked down and offered a job as a cracked writter. Could write about….its balls….using its balls. I hear you guys like to type using your genitals. I’d read it. But then I’d read most stuff. I read this.