Have you ever wanted to write award-winning television, don’t own a computer, typewriter, or pen, and yet are somehow reading this? Well, you’re in luck! Just follow this simple guide, selecting scenes at random from within each section and rearranging them on a big board. Voila! Your very own episode of TV’s House. When finished, simply fold your board up and shove it under the door of a Hollywood Producer; you’ll be rolling in Emmys in no time!*
*WARNING: rolling in Emmys is extremely painful.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael photoshops for Cracked as Head Writer and Co-Founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Saturday, November 22nd, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Bryan Singer, House, Hugh Laurie, Photoshop, TV, Writing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 5th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
So true, so true - As simplistic and yet complex this is in describing House episodes, it is right on. Thanks for this post and the laughs it delivered.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:12 pm
lol so funny cant stop laughing
October 9th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Absolutely true. I love House nevertheless, and this is mostly because of the hilarious oneliners, cutting sarcasm and house/wilson bromance. That’s what is carrying the show, in the end.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:50 am
I see, the plots are easy. They follow the same exact formula (unless they are the opposite), they contain no character development (unless they do), and they contain some anvilicious moral (unless, as happens with increasing frequency, they don’t). Thanks for clearing that up.
The bit about reading character descriptions at each other in angry voices was hilarious though.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:10 am
holy fuck. thanks for ruining the best show in history.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
You forgot the part where the diagnosis is wrong 3 times but eventually cured during the last 10 minutes of the show. (unless it’s a end-of-season episode in which case there’s an extra 10 minutes of sub-plot/cliffhanger).
July 21st, 2009 at 11:43 pm
does anyone know the name of the house episode where the patient has Morphea?
June 19th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Wow… I love House, and I’ve always been fully aware of this formula. I just didn’t have the patience or creativity to actually put it to words. Whenever I’m watching it with someone, I’ll point out things like this… Like when they think they’re cured, I say “Something bad is going to happen in about two minutes.”
And by bad, “THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG.”
I’ve never lol’ed so much at a Cracked article before!
May 14th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
[...] * Alien Hand Syndrome on House — was a pretty cool, and I take it pretty accurate, portrayal of the condition — fade to awesome [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
you left out the part where the camera accidentally shows the back of Hugh Laurie’s head and the vain bastard has the special effects crew blur in some sort of Ron Popeil spray-hair magic as if we didn’t already know he was going bald.
April 27th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I can’t see how any of this could be seen as not awesome.
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
This slightly offensive yet true.
April 21st, 2009 at 8:23 am
[...] communicate is so well-established at this point that it even showed up in a recent episode of House. Basically, electrical activity on the scalp — controlled by thought — is translated by [...]
April 17th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
OMG, I love House, would like to massage that leg anytime..:)
April 8th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I’m starting to worry about myself…I go into tearing, convulsive laughter every time I think of the line “The patient poops a lung.”
This whole post is just a tour de force.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
By the way I like your work alot SWAIM
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Goddamn you motherfucker! I had these sorts of insights to this show and impressed my girlfriend with them, but you had to come along with your precious website and word processors and your fancy photoshop, and completely ruin the smug satisfaction I had.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:21 pm
ROFL, patient poops a lung is an epic line.
March 21st, 2009 at 5:58 am
Please do the same for Cold Case
March 20th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I luv House, but this is totally acurate. Every episode follows the same formula and the characters are one dimensional and the illnesses are rediculous. But I like Hugh Laurie.
March 14th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Any1 remember the episode of the homeless woman that Wilson lies saying she is his cousin? then at the end he ultimately tells house he did that because he has a second brother that house doesn’t know about that he hasn’t seen in 15 years. or something like that. I think that an episode with wilsons long lost brother as the patient (possibly ending up dying) would be interesting. Every1 Wilson gets close to suddenly dies lately so I think it would be a good idea. Plus house would be an ass to Wilson 1 way or another.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I literally choked with laughter while reading this!!! it’s so true
March 9th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Hey, I’m loving the lupus thing. I actually have lupus and it saves me a lot of time explaining. You just say “you know that thing they go on about in Dr. House?” and people start nodding their heads enthusiastically.
Ok, so it’s never lupus but it kind of takes people out of the “this person has something weird I don’t understand so I’m not going to like them” bracket into “my friend has something that features on a tv show, how cool is that?”. Ok, that’s trivialising a bit much but you know what I mean.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Alright, I’ve seen every episode of House like 5 times each. lol .. don’t judge me! anyways..
Have you learned nothing from House? its never lupis, thats why he
stashes his vicodin in a lupis book, zing!
People like House because he’s a bastard, and everyone else wishes they could be a drug-taking bastard just like him. (Some of you are already there, but need to work on your classy exits.)
Also… all of this is true in all the episodes, but you missed out a big factor. The first 3 seasons were great, but when they started adding a bunch of idiot doctors, it got lame. With kameron, chase, foreman there was a ‘close’ rivalry you could relate with, but.. there is no way to relate with this new gang.
You were trying to make a recipe for House, yet the recipe has changed.. it used to be that the team would be up shit creek without
a paddle, and then they’d do a montage, and then house would talk to wilson and get a bowel movement look on his face, and rush out, tell a girl he/she has balls and everyone was all smiles.
Now.. there is no shennanigans, none worthy anyways… I miss the days where House pissed people off blatantly, thats changed. he’s been more “house-trained” since this new gang arrived, and he’s less of an ass, as he is a psychological buzz killigan. Like i said, the recipe has changed, some idiot thinks its a good idea to do a sappy montage at the end of every episode, showing us where everyone is at in their life… cuddy and her baby, foreman and 13, tau and his wife, and insert every other mushy gay make you vomit situation in the montage. I am royally disappointed in the new directing of this show, if you check IMDB you’ll find many of the original writers are gone. sure david shore (creator) is there, but that obviously isnt helping.
p.s. what happened to the private detective with argyle socks??
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Yep… you have to have ‘assume it is Lupus’ in there, they do for every episode… Yet I still love this show… why?
March 2nd, 2009 at 11:51 am
where can I buy the show?
February 19th, 2009 at 12:11 am
I just saw some old guy I waited on and I kid you not….He HAD A FLAME CANE!
February 17th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
So true which is why it’s sooo good, it’s better than the hills
February 17th, 2009 at 6:57 am
That’s exactly why House it’s sooooooooooo boring, after 3 season I was already tired of this!
February 9th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
You forgot the part where someone assumes it’s Lupus.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I love House, but this is dead on. I almost stopped breathing a few times I was laughing so hard.
February 1st, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I wonder how many things he can actually do with that cane of his…
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:49 pm
house / wilson is the best bromance on tv….
swaim you have the best columns on cracked.com… i love it!!!
will you be the father of my non-existant children?
January 21st, 2009 at 6:42 pm
And still, I am love with Dr. House. Maybe it’s the cane?
January 19th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I can’t believe you omitted “Cameron/Chase/Foreman are all of a sudden qualified radiologists as well as qualified doctors. They reflect that spending 10 years at college just to get a little more screen time was a bad idea.”
January 15th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
first yay! also lupus hah sooooo funny everyone lol
January 14th, 2009 at 7:03 am
list of cheapest health for young people ins premiums brownsville tx…
Posner:Marriott avant registering …
January 10th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
it’s “lupus”.
this is brilliant. it’s a credit to hugh laurie that the show is even watchable, given how formulaic it is.
oh i love house so much.
January 7th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
This is one of the funniest things ive ever read on the internet, largely due to how true it is.
Please keep it up Michael you’re the man.
January 7th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
It was lupis once. That episode sucked.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:16 am
Don’t forget the lupis
It’s never lupis, but they have to SAY it’s not lupis
January 4th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Just a heads up to the Cracked-staff. Swedish tabloid newspaper Aftonbladet have plagiarized this entire thing, with no credit to Michael Swaim or Cracked. Their article was published on their website yesterday.
Here it is: http://www.aftonbladet.se/nojesbladet/article4110686.ab
January 4th, 2009 at 3:57 am
I like kittens.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Everyone seems to be forgetting one thing:
House: Everybody lies.
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:00 pm
THey forgot funny fat joke he throws in if they are fat
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Tienes razon acerca, que falta sobre el Lupus!
Could it be Lupus?
or
Your Patetic!
You are an Idiot!
Saludos gringos
December 20th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
They forgot “Could it be Lupis?”
December 20th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I almost peed myself laughing at “THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG.”
And I can’t watch the atmospheric indie rock montages without thinking “Cue atmospheric indie rock montage” anymore.
Great stuff.
December 19th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Biopsy, there’s always a biopsy.
December 18th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Where’s the part where House avoids working the clinic at all costs, and the part where an annoying clinic patient visits repeatedly, only to indirectly give him the answer to the main case?
December 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
…and yet I still love the show!
December 16th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I think this is hilariously brilliant. the formula is soo true.lol. he did indeed forget the l.p., autimmune, and lupus. but he also forgot what house always says to foreman “…well if your right the patient dies but if im right the patient lives.”
December 16th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
[...] Schon doof, so ein Dienstag ohne neue “Dr. House”-Episode, oder? Aber warum nicht einfach neue Folgen selbermachen? Bei “Cracked.com” gibt’s die verblüffend treffende Anleitung dafür: “Every Episode of ‘House’ Ever“ [...]
December 14th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
[...] HAHAHA: Write your own House episode. [...]
December 13th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
to be added: “it could be lupus”
December 13th, 2008 at 10:24 am
[...] misanthrope with a Vicodin addiction and pronounced limp. That said, that doesn’t make this guide to writing your own House episode any less funny. Or [...]
December 9th, 2008 at 12:45 am
@Olivia..so true!! With all these patients at PP running around with blood flying out of their back doors, its a wonder anyone in NJ has any clean pants to wear!
December 9th, 2008 at 12:35 am
LOL SO TRUE!!!!!! And even its tried and true formula cant save it from how pathetic it has gotten this season! You would be able to fill an endangered species list with how many times this show as jumped (or attempted to jump) the shark since Season 3! Its cant even maintain the damn soap opera elements in a half-way plausible way any more. Sad! The show had so much potential too.
Here’s a site thats amazing at breaking down how ridiculous the show has gotten (and ever been):
http://www.politedissent.com/house_pd.html
Really awesome in depth analyses of every episode from the medical standpoint, as well as a bit about the drama side as well.
December 7th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Divin is right, Lupus is always mentioned… In one episode it was indeed Lupus!
December 7th, 2008 at 7:02 am
Since when did the Wicked Disney Dame in the thumbnail become a colleague of Dr Gregory House?!
December 6th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
You forgot the “Yes; your fear of a large, claustrophobic, mysteriously clacking machine (i.e. MRIs) IS JUSTIFIED”.
There’s always something.
And the fact that this is so true somehow doesn’t alter my like of the show, haha.
Do one of Doctor Who!
December 5th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
what about the lupus?
December 4th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Dude, you left out the lumbar puncture.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
[...] Posted by MacGuffin How to write every episode of House ever, from Cracked.com: If ya change the nouns to concept specific ones, you could use this template [...]
December 4th, 2008 at 5:13 am
You forgot Ass Blood.
They love ass blood on house!
December 4th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Spot on brilliant! I’m not sure what it says about me, but House is my favorite show as of late. Now, please excuse me, but my sarcoidosis is acting up.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
[...] success, and he plus talked about House. Websites have documented the formula for every episode: Every episode is essentially the same. So, why does it work every moment? final night, I was hooked by Emmy the trainer rolling down [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
[...] you’ve always wanted to be a writer for television, Cracked has a recipe that’ll have you cranking out episodes of ‘House’ in no time. Doctors are smart. You can show this by replacing regular words with Doctor [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:36 am
[...] [Cracked - Every Episode Of 'House' Ever] SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: “…House episodes are DIY?”, url: “http://www.didntyouhear.com/2008/12/03/house-episodes-are-diy/” }); « …Amazon wants to cure Wrap Rage? [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:03 am
every patient lies is on drugs has an std or has cancer
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 am
dont forget about the mandatory gay couple/patient/person that just has to be in every show these days.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 am
She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site ****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she
is looking for on that site.Is she single again now
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:04 am
[...] Funny Things - 12/3/08 Dec.03, 2008 in Blog 1. Every episode of “House” Ever 2. Do you remember where YOU were the day David Archuleta lost American Idol? These girls [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:47 am
[...] Published December 3, 2008 Uncategorized This is so [...]
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:25 pm
You forgot lupus.
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:21 pm
[...] you
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
HAHA! Unfortunately, that’s all true! But you forgot the theme for this season: EVERYTHING is cured with Prenidsone. It’s the new Penicillin
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
This was a hoot! I loved reading it as it is SO TRUE. What’s really funny is that while knowing this formula, most of us continue to watch with anticipation.
Really terrific!
Thank You!
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
[...] NEW & NOTABLE: HOUSE (8PM FOX, Global in Canada) Our indifference to HOUSE of late can be summed up perfectly thanks to this brilliiant article on cracked.com [...]
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
your fans all over the world will miss you. Rest in peace! I just find you on the celeb and millionaire dating site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** and he have a chat with you there
December 1st, 2008 at 6:42 pm
oh man that’s awesome. many lulz were had.
add: “it is unveiled that the entire episode was hallucinated by house.”
sure, it’s gone downhill since cutthroat bitch hijacked the show last season (or when he shitcanned the entire original crew) and yet I’m still enjoying it. Formulaic as it is.
hey, it still beats the hell out of “the hills” or reality TV.
December 1st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
i completely agree with how Swaim sees all House episodes going… I’ve become really addicted to this show and been watching it quite frequently as of late and he’s totally right!! so thanks for the very entertaining rendition of every script!!
a couple points to make here:
first of all, reading peoples reactions to the above is ALMOST as entertaining, as well as to each other. LOL.
secondly, i still think the show is great. there is a LOT worse out there that has more fans.
thirdly and lastly, some girl on the internet may not really be a girl, just cause her name says it doesn’t make it true. lets be calm about this. however, i do agree that “her” spelling could be better, however, with all of the alcohol that “she” seemed interested in drinking, my bet is whoever wrote that wasn’t sober.
thanks again for all of the laughs!!!!
December 1st, 2008 at 2:21 pm
You forgot to have someone randomly suggest that the disease is lupus…only to have it quickly discarded as a possibility.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:56 am
Don’t forget: AUTOIMUNE!
December 1st, 2008 at 11:55 am
You forgot to add that at the end of each episode everyone except house gets fired.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:21 am
Oh, formulated plot lines–the backbone of all great American television! Every TV show has a standardized script with a few basic elements to follow each and every time, and that is the very reason that we love TV so much. These kinds of shows are interesting, funny, dramatic, or perplexing but still with an underlying feeling of familiarity and predictability. We associate television (and the shows that play on it) with our homes and therefore usually with some form of stability and comfort.
Kudos to the writer.
And someone below me said that they couldn’t read this article or watch the show for longer than two minutes because they bored to her to tears…yet she still felt the need to post a response…what a crazy world.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:19 am
Since Season 4 you’ll have to add “House demands a risky and usually unnecessary surgury in order to include Chase in the plot”
November 30th, 2008 at 12:43 am
I love House! X3 And this just makes me love it more. lol
November 30th, 2008 at 12:00 am
We are watching a TIVO’d copy of House right now. Loved this show last year, but you have nailed this. Holy shit, you are the House Nostradamus, he is doing it right now.
Naturally, this has ruined it for me. I won’t be able to watch it without mapping it to this format. On one hand, I’m pissed because this used to be my favorite show. On the other hand, who am I to stand in the way of freaking genius. Nice work!
November 29th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
This is genius. Next time my family and I get into an arguement about our taste in tv programming, I think I will show this to them.
November 29th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Also, “have the actors read each other’s character descriptions at one another in angry voices” has to be one of my favorite lines of 2008.
November 29th, 2008 at 9:41 am
As a House fan, I found this hilarious. But it won’t tarnish my affection for the show.
And honestly, as formulaic as House may be, bottom-of-the-barrel crap like Two and a Half Men and American Dad still pull in more viewers. House is hardly the least intelligent show out there.
November 28th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
To some girl on the internet….
There are very few times when I feel the need to reply to someone who posts on boards like these. Your Mom and Dad must be proud that you spell like a drunken 8 year old. Your incoherent rant was such a complete waste of my time that I demand you pay me for the time spent reading and responding to it.
If by some small chance you ever get employed in any industry other than fast food, please let us know what company employed you. It would be absolutely necessary for those who own shares of stock in that business to sell them immediately.
I beg you, the next time you feel the need to post your sage opinions (sarcasm- a form of humor), please do everything in your power to stop from doing so. I truly need my sanity and one more blithering idiot making another inane, insipid comment will drive me over the edge.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:30 am
How about:
Dave Matthews sings a diddy.
November 27th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
House is such an amazing show. This article is awsome - it’s completely right!
November 27th, 2008 at 3:56 am
lol its sad and funny at the same time how true this is. it almost makes me feel i shouldn’t love house as much as i do.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
What about when the doctors illegally search a patient’s house/apartment looking for clues? That always puzzled me.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:26 am
[...] House Episode Generator [...]
November 26th, 2008 at 10:28 am
[...] sack. And the show was losing steam, until last night, because it’s become so formulaic that Cracked magazine took a well-deserved swing at it. [...]
November 26th, 2008 at 9:58 am
MLE05 said: “There aren’t too many of us on here, so we have to stand together and prove to the world that we’re not inferior to men.”
Sloppy spelling irritates me also, but I have a couple points of contention.
First off, there are a LOT of women on the internet. Probably nearly as many as men.
Second, the only people to whom you would need to prove women are equal to men are ignorant sexists who won’t accept any proof you provide anyway, and probably can’t even spell as many words correctly as “some girl on the Internet” did.
Anyway, Michael Swaim’s take on “House” above is brilliant and hilarious. Mucho kudos, Mr. Swaim!
November 26th, 2008 at 9:04 am
[...] This week: House seems to have the diagnosis all worked out until the patient poops a lung. [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
“every tim hous tsays someting sexual to cutty *drink*”
some Girl on the Internet, did you have to include your gender? There aren’t too many of us on here, so we have to stand together and prove to the world that we’re not inferior to men. Spelling three things properly in that drawn out sentence doesn’t really help our case.
November 25th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
It’s improving. I’ll just say that. But that’s the House formula, more of less.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
that was the funniest fucking thing that ive evr read in my life ever, ever.
im sitting here in class about to shoot myself and then this pops up.
thank you for saving my speech 242 class =]
November 25th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
It’s a sad day when you realize that this show is so predictable. I did get excited once when it looked like house was using the cane on the proper side and stepping with his leg on the same side. Er or was that the opposite side for both.
Lol@ thats some bad hat Harry!
Don’t forget MS and starting an interferone, and the preverable (sp?) 2nd choice of prednisone.
I do find it fascinating when he talks in his native tongue.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
awesome really gr8
i must say ur concept abt house is really awesome plus hilarious.
thumbs up
November 25th, 2008 at 11:01 am
[...] Links: If you watch House you will love this guide to Every Episode of House Ever. It’s so true, it had me cracking [...]
November 25th, 2008 at 4:53 am
I liked this format a lot. It worked really well.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:02 am
Poopingly hilarious, and I don’t even watch House. Great job!
November 25th, 2008 at 2:53 am
OH and the seize , the always fucking have a seizure I would love to play a drinking gasme while wating house
every tim hous tsays someting sexual to cutty *drink*
everytime he piops a pill *drink*
its LUPUS *drink*
hes seizing *drink*’
ui get the picture
oh god I would be wasted
u also ALSO forgot to add , house complains abut clinic duty and has a random encontor with a random person who appears latee
November 25th, 2008 at 2:48 am
u forgot to add they think its lupus , but its not
November 24th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG…I am still *crying* over that one. Well done! But you forgot to add a subplot about lesbians. And that stupid dry erase board that never leads to anything.
Love the show, though. It’s like watching a sarcastic train wreck. You can’t tear your eyes away from it, even though you know what’s coming and you know parts of it will be gross, but you also know you will chuckle a bit at the ironic comments.
What can I say, I have a thing for Cambridge men. I like watching Hugh Laurie playing it almost straight. Blackadder was funnier, but this is a close second.
November 24th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Hahah this is awesome, and very true XD
November 24th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Its funny and accurate to me that someone as contrite and clearly intelligent as skkflip would go a stern on me. Enjoy your moment you illiterate degenerate. Christ, howard would piss on you if he saw that. I respect Spider Jerusalem Says for at least making a point. But I dont work for the show, I just listen and like them and clearly my point was well taken. When I get a check I’ll start listing links. Until then its just my point which can easily be proven.
November 24th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Lol.. That is totally true, but House is still awesome :3.
November 24th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
oh god that was absolutely hilarious…. specially the “House shows a moment of vulnerabilty, then undercuts it with a joke about tits/death/idiots” hahahaha
November 24th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I wanna seriously do Dr. ‘Thirteen’ !!!
November 24th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Beautiful. Every point was funny and true, and I like how you used pretty pictures with band-aids instead of just typing it.
November 24th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Reminds me of how my brother used to describe every episode of MacGyver. MacGyver gets in a situation that is impossible to escape, he makes something out of nothing and escapes it, repeat until out of time. Deh Deh Deh!!!
November 24th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Really, if you need that many tiles to interchange,
THEN YOU HAVE A SHOW.
November 24th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
(lingering shot of Daphne’s cleavage)
November 24th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Man, I wondered if anybody else noticed that “House” is the “Scooby Doo” of medical drama. You forgot the part where they write big words on a dry erase board at a meeting and begin to get somewhat of an idea of what’s happening to the patient, which I guess is the equivalent of Velma finding a big battery and wondering why a 10,000-volt ghost would need a big battery.
November 24th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
This post was almost as boring as the show, in the same way that I couldn’t coninue to pay attention to it beyond one minute.
November 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Lol, right on with every point and yet it’s still an awesome show. You brought up a good point though Swaim with the ‘house does something he shouldn’t and everyone acts shocked’ point that does get on my nerves. I mean Jesus, it’s like Scully on the x-files always trying to convince Molder there were no ufos or whatever when she had been wrong in pretty much every episode and had a freakin alien baby growing in her in the first movie. It’s like every episode of House takes place just long enough after they’ve all met that they can remember one another’s names, but chronically seem to forget that House is pretty much always right and he’s going to make them feel stupid before he proves it. Go figure, but that’s my one real gripe with House.
Also, I may have missed the band aid but I think ‘House solves someone’s problem in the clinic within point three seconds of looking at them, cures them, insults them, and somehow changes their life, all in less than 30 seconds’ was left out.
November 24th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
What’s really messed up about this is that it’s absolutely true, and House is still one of the best things on TV.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
lol I love House, but this article is so true. I laughed.
:)
Funny stuff Swaim… as usual
Just something to maybe think about: accusing someone of something you can’t spell kinda makes you look like a dink.
Also: plagiarism is spelled plagiarism.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:49 am
(Agh no! you forgot something else! They ALWAYS test for lupus. Always. But it’s never lupus…
Also, I hardly feel that this is plagerism. The plot line IS fairly ridiculous, so even an idiot like me has seen and taken the piss out of all of these things, so if two people online have both commented on it, it could be a pure coincidence. Any, I’ve got to go. The Wacky Races is coming on…)
November 24th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Ha!
House is my favourite thing on tv, unless they bring back The Wacky Races of course, and I have spent so many hours of my life taking the piss out of the s exact same points…
(By the way, you forgot something. When House stares into space for a bit, the camera zooms in on him. Hugh Laurie loves the extreme close ups.)
November 24th, 2008 at 11:14 am
[...] — it just encourages them to post 900 new “lists” every day — but this piece on how to write a House episode is pretty accurate. Meanwhile, the downer thing House predicted would happen in the B plot happens, so we can forget [...]
November 24th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Ason, before you accuse someone of plagarism, why don’t you get some info to back it up? How about a link? Oh, you don’t have one? You’re just “pretty sure” they said it, huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought…
You know what? You might be right. I’m sure that one day those two morons said something to the effect of “Every episode of House ends with…” or “House is always…”, but I seriously doubt that they could get into this much detail on the radio. And guess what? EVERYONE says that shit about House. The reason this article is funny is because it collects all of the obvious plot devices of the show (which any nitwit with half a brain can see plain as day) and relates them in a humorous way. With dick jokes.
O&A suck, Swaim rules.
November 24th, 2008 at 9:41 am
For those that are getting all pissy about the alleged “plagiarism” from Opie and Anthony or whatever the hell, I challenge you to start up a comedy website and write new material every damned day (hell, I’ll bet you couldn’t even make once a week) while simultaneously looking at _every_ comedy website/periodical/TV show/radio show/movie out there to make sure that you don’t ever copy anyone else’s ideas. I’ll bet that shit wouldn’t fly for one week. I mean, it’s not like there’s a finite number of subjects in the world, is there?
Stick that shit up your ass and swirl it. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.
November 24th, 2008 at 9:27 am
[...] Noviembre 24, 2008 in House, Otras yerbas…, TV Series | Tags: Chingaderas, House Visto en CRACKED.com [...]
November 24th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Forgotten: Act II potential diagnosis: sarcoidosis (sp?)
November 24th, 2008 at 8:54 am
I love House but I think you have the plot down…oh well, mindless TV here I come!
November 24th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Hey Ason before you try to call out somebody while simoltaneously riding Opie and Anthony dicks, why not call those two douche nozzles out for stealing shit from Howard Stern. Fag!
November 24th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Looks nicely complex to me
November 24th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Dudes. That was some funny shit. I enjoy watching house, and this nailed it to the wall! Excellent job Micheal!
LOL@:
The patient poops a lung!
November 24th, 2008 at 7:44 am
hehehe- rolling in Emmys is extremely painful. I love House! *cut to shot of Cuddy’s cleavage*
November 24th, 2008 at 6:02 am
That was awesome. Thanks Swaim, mission accomplished.
November 24th, 2008 at 5:11 am
Whenever me and my roomate watch it, we start each show with a bet on whther it’s a tumor or not.
*hint- it’s always a tumor*
November 24th, 2008 at 3:29 am
f*** you, f*** you, f*** you, you’re cool (points at Crystalis79), and F*** you, I’m out!
November 24th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Don’t forget to cut to next week’s episode where it will be “House’s most intense case ever!”
November 24th, 2008 at 1:54 am
What is Opie and Anthony?
November 24th, 2008 at 1:36 am
Yep, two parts had me rolling.
THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG
and
FADE TO AWESOME
November 24th, 2008 at 12:13 am
[QUOTE]Bravo for doing the same bit Opie and Anthony did 2 years ago. All the time in the world doesn’t negate plagerism. D-bags, I’m starting to see a trend on this site. Mythbusters, OandA. Who else are ya just gonna steal from?[/QUOTE]
MAD magazine?
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:27 pm
This is funny, and i even like House.
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Who the fu$k watches House- that guy seems like a douche.
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:44 pm
The best part is the Warning at the end. Nice one
November 23rd, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I also like how they never ever consult a book or medical journal. They just happen to know it all.
November 23rd, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Yup. This sums it up to a tee.
I’ve seen maybe 2 episodes of House before… and I must say, that was enough to know that I’ve now basically seen them all.
November 23rd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Nice one. You have to give the writers credit for finding a forumla that works. Better than what most TV shows do.
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:57 pm
It’s never lupus……..
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Bravo for doing the same bit Opie and Anthony did 2 years ago. All the time in the world doesn’t negate plagerism. D-bags, I’m starting to see a trend on this site. Mythbusters, OandA. Who else are ya just gonna steal from?
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Brilliant. LOL. I usually fall asleep during the show — love Hugh’s character of House and when he’s on screen is when I try prop my eyes open. But eventually I fall asleep not giving a damn what happens to the patient — as in: “you’re going to live, but you need a new heart, liver, lungs, kidneys, etc” I’m waiting for a patient to say “Now you’ve cured me would you please just forget the transplants I now need and just let me die. PLEASE.” but gotta say I love the end songs. Every week they give us a beauty, which I wake up to.
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:08 pm
LMAO, my friend and I were just discussing how predictable the show is. Our favorite part is when Chase thinks the patient has sarcoidosis.
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:06 pm
“THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG”
OMG, I was laughing so hard when I read this I thought I was going to poop a lung! I love “House” and watch it faithfully — you hit the nail right on the head with this! BRAVO!!
[pops a few Vicodin]
November 23rd, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Pretty good! These are funniest when you’re a fan out of House.
November 23rd, 2008 at 6:24 pm
it isn’t lupus
November 23rd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
This was actually pretty well done. As a fan of House, ‘POOPS A LUNG’ was by far the most succinct and accurate description I’ve yet to hear. Nice job, Swaim. A little behind MadTV, but nicely done (besides, they’re getting canceled. Screw ‘em(.
November 23rd, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Yes, House is formulaic, however, there do have to be consistencies in every show for it to be a viable series. The only shows I have seen that vary from that quite a bit, are soap operas who will try any plot twist to keep up ratings (burying people alive, demon possession, kidnapping, etc.) and a lot of people view them as ridiculous. A small irony, while soap operas vary so greatly in plot twists, one can pick up watching them again at any point in time, and the same things are happening. Odd. Anyway, my point was that all series have their formulas in order to work. Having said that, I did thoroughly enjoy this article (”poops a lung” hahahaha) and the lively banter that has resulted in the comments. And I do love House as well. One more side note before I shut up. Chance and Capuano mentioned that they have tried to ‘enlighten’ their friends to the formulaic nature of the show. I must say I hate when people do that. Just because I enjoy the show doesn’t mean I’m an idiot and I don’t recognize the pattern. I just like to see how they fill in the pattern each week. People who feel the need to ‘enlighten’ people about what they are enjoying, just like to take the fun out of things, and to pretend that they are smarter than everyone else in the room. (No personal offense intended. I have just known people who do the same thing and it drives me nuts) Now, as promised, I will shut up.
November 23rd, 2008 at 5:20 pm
OMG Lupus.. We “ppl in my house” bet on the exact time of diagnosis.. that wide eyed, “dawn on him” look… down to the second
OK , I have no life
November 23rd, 2008 at 5:02 pm
yup same as all the other predictable shows
ER,CSI with that red hair douche
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
http://www.cybernations.net
Great website, allows you to create your own nation and build it from the ground up. You can also attack other nations!
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
House is my favorite show, even though I decide if the patient is cured or not by looking at the clock. “12 minutes left… hmmm probably not cured, cue patient seizure and House playing with his oversized tennis ball.”
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
They should do an episode where House meets his Med School roommate/drinking buddy/med school friendly rival played by William Gladstone. That episode would be awesome, otherwise the show sucks a cancer patient’s malignant tumors.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
BTW…you forgot that the doctors check for auto-immune disease, it’s considered in almost EVERY episode.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
It is spot on. So what? House still rocks the… nah, that pun would too cringe-worthy even for me.
Bottom line: Nevertheless, House rocks.
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
[...] post info Por Ed Categorias: Humor, Imagens e TV Tags: cracked, dr house, episodios, house, house md, televisao, TV, universal channel Que todo enlatado seriado que vem da terra do tio Bush Obama segue um roteiro idêntico em todo episódio, só mudando os detalhes da história, todo mundo já sabe. O difícil é alguém ter paciência pra descrever, decentemente, como funciona um deles… Mas, como sempre há um doido pra tudo nesse mundo, um cara de lá resolveu fazer isso. [...]
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I love the show but this is totally spot-on!
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
This is why I quit watching the show after 3 or 4 episodes. I have told friends that the show is always the same, and now I know why. It is truly a wonder why FOX continues to pay for new episodes when they have so many of the same thing already.
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:50 am
season 1 was all there needed to be. the show hasn’t gone anywhere since then. i’ve watched all seasons but i hope they are not renewed after this season. it would be sad to see another ER.
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:35 am
but hugh laurie is so lovable…
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:05 am
You forgot “lupus” in the differential diagnosis. It is never lupus, but somebody always brings it up.
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
hahahahahaha!! dude!!! WHERE IS THE SEXUAL TENSION BTWN HOUSE AND CUDDY???!! HOUSE IS THE BEST THING TO HIT TV MAN!! GO HOUSE….OR MORE SO…GO HUDDDDDYYYYY!! WOWOOWOWHOOOO XOXO
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:47 am
hey buddy, what’s the secret behind ur smile. can u bore us with another.
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:42 am
what the secret to write thw screenplay about bush game in Afghanistan, http://talibanexpress.blogspot.com/
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:28 am
Did anyone forward this to Stephen Fry yet, btw? I’m sure he’d get a laugh.
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:04 am
I’ve only seen 1 episode of House. I love scrubs and thought House would be a cool Dr. show…
It’s clear to me whoever wrote that episode followed this guide. Thank god for TiVo, whenever I want to know what amazing crap House is pulling off this week, I can fast forward to the last 5 minutes.
November 23rd, 2008 at 9:46 am
PAITIENT POOPS A LUNG!
That made me laugh so much. I love House but this article does pretty mcuh sum it up
November 23rd, 2008 at 9:34 am
You forgot the “it could be drugs, but the tox screen was negative.”
November 23rd, 2008 at 9:02 am
Hilarious, and almost perfect, but you forgot to mention that “it might be lupus” and that they always should “need an LP”.
November 23rd, 2008 at 8:11 am
even with broadband that took ages to load….. and still was not worth it
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:50 am
Shit, House is still better than the other crap out there.
November 23rd, 2008 at 6:44 am
Pretty close, but I don’t see anywhere there where the patient has a seizure or goes into convulsions. Usually around the end of an act.
November 23rd, 2008 at 5:22 am
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:47 am
Gad Damn it. I USED to love that show. Thanks. Facker. I was ignoring all of that. Ok, I am lying and never came close to formulating any of that but crap. I used to love that show. I too was vanquished at the pooped lung. Thanks again. Damn it.
November 23rd, 2008 at 3:21 am
@JF (11/22, 9:36 AM) - Hugh Laurie is not gay. He’s been married for 19 years.
@ShadowStarr (11/22, 1:12 PM) - I’d rather not have House diagnose me (prick that he is), but if that was what it took to have the chance to ogle the ladies, I’d put up with almost anything. I actually had a larger crush on Dr. Ashka (#2 in episode 4.2) than Cuddy, but still…
@Vincentius (11/22, 5:22 PM) - I agree whole-heartedly…his synergy with both Stephen Fry and Rowan Atkinson is incredible.
@Bassmanchris (11/23, 2:31 AM) - Notice the ending sentence: “It is even more ovious that I’m not an English speaker, so, I hope you apolgy me for destroying that language.” The person in question is not a native English speaker; English is not an easy language to learn as a secondary (or even tertiary) language, as non-native English speakers can attest.
@Swaim-bot - “rolling in Emmys is extremely painful”, “FADE TO AWESOME”, “THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG”? Pure poetry! I’d doff my hat to you…if I were wearing one.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:39 am
Cannot. Stop. Laughing.
I held it in until “THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG,” at which point I gave up and figured if I woke anyone up with my hysterics, they’d just have to get over it.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:31 am
Mmm…Cuddy!
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:31 am
I stopped reading at “metaforical.” I make mistakes too but… bahahahahahaha.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:19 am
I’d love to start bitching about how you’re criticizing one of my favorite shows on TV. However, you’re spot-fucking-on about the formulaic nature of House.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:10 am
“FADE TO AWSOME”
Epic. I love you, Swaim.
November 23rd, 2008 at 2:00 am
Haha, I always tell my friends that are addicted to this show that ever episode uses the same formula and then I tell them primarily what you just said. Tis true, tis true
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:44 am
LOL
This is awesome!
I actually love watching HOUSE. I guess coz I’m studying to be a doctor and I love calling idiot patients “idiots”.
And I like pointing out inaccuracies in shows like that. Though I say the writers do a good job… I can’t even say the names of the diseases they sometimes have on the show… I jsut say… “Some kind of -itis….” LOL
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:33 am
awesome. just. plain. awesome.
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:17 am
Hey, MattMakesDrugs, I think you’re three or four years behind the times if you think people still watch “Friends.”
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:13 am
It may be true, I mean, all American series have a fixed structure and changes the subjects.
I think you forgot many things. The way the cases are solved usually, denotates a lateral thinking work based on the main character G. House. Not only that, the objective that writers seek, is LINKING the two histories running. The sick guy, usually suffer a patology that another character is suffering, but in a metaforical way. When he compares the two problems, the solution seems to appear from a shortcut and it is not result of the differential diagnosis. This way, they build a subjects matrix in order to perform the storyboard.
The skill that writers have, is very well used by the director, who check that every character, act consecuently. The selection of the medical staff, is exquisite, and represents four combinations that almost appears at the bible. The dumb that does not question (chase), the dumb that question (cameron), the smart that question (foreman), and the smart than does not question (HOUSE). They are overviewed and managed by the smart in life but dumb at medicine CUDDY, who almost always has a better approach from the reallity.
Furthermore, we could write the manual for every tv show we could imagine (Friends, The nanny, even the great Seinfield).
I mean, this article is as ovious or even more than the tv show. The only difference, is that the writers will really win emmys (and maybe that is not fair). Of course I love the show althought I knew that and I know THIS.
It is even more ovious that I’m not an English speaker, so, I hope you apolgy me for destroying that language.
Regards!!!
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:07 am
I was totally thinking about this at work tonight and then I came home and checked Cracked and BAM.
100% exactly spot on. The weird part is, I can’t stop watching the show…
November 23rd, 2008 at 1:02 am
It is comedy but it seems horror. Every episode I was unable to see because I watch these serials http://tvserialandshow.blogspot.com/ nowadays. All things are clear with the image.
Thanks
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 am
You forgot the fact that it’s never autoimmune/ lupus/ cancer
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:36 am
This made me cackle hysterically, and I *love* this show.
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:25 am
I absolutely love House. But I also love this article. BABIES, PLEASE HAVE, ETC.
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:20 am
i totally agree with jiggleboot. eveeryone go to 7:11 p.m. That is when jiggle boot said the most inteligent thing i have ever heard and i completely agree with him.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:45 pm
I’ve only seen the stupid show a few times, but you nailed it. Same stupid routine, every time the show comes on.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Sadly, I noticed this long ago. My friends didn’t seem to like it when I tried to enlighten them.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Wow, that IS every house episode ever.
Except the pedophilia ones.
Still fucking hilarious.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:13 pm
CANCER!
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:12 pm
A low-cut hoodie would indeed fade to awesome.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:07 pm
FADE TO AWESOME.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 pm
compared to the other sheet out there on tv HOUSE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:03 pm
That’s some bad hat, Harry.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 pm
usually the person who develops the condition is not the person who the story focuses on for the first 2 minutes. it surprises you.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 pm
ah i love house… but i also love michael swaim… once again, his article is dead on and witty.
doesnt mean i wont stop watching house… it may be the same stuff again and again, but its humorous to watch and it makes me feel superior to the people spending their time watching friends or whatever
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:34 pm
this is so spot on– absolutely brilliant! olympic swimming pool of emmys here i come!
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Where’s talk about the sexual tension? We all KNOW that there’s this tension, but no one talks about it….well, it’s right there. Just grab it. No, I meant the tension, but thanks.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:00 pm
good shit i luv it.
You forgot to mention how they always have two convo’s at the same time.
Foreman - ” MRI shows her brain is growing a Penis. why do you wanna fucking House, he’s an old ass druggie with a limp.”
Cameron - “That’s impossible there cant be a……….Oh God House is skull fucking the patient in the MRI machine! and are you kidding me, LOOK at that thing! He must have been popping Extenze this whole time!
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Ha! I love House, it is my favorite show. I always found the big three that appear in nearly every episode are
1. Heart Failure
2. Seizure
3. Kidney Failure (Shown by Blood/Creatine in Urine)
They are the most visibly traumatic.
And just to be a nerd and nitpick, this list doesn’t quite fit “One Day, One Room” season 3, episode 12 ;-p
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 pm
True, but we all know House still kicks major ass.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:17 pm
There’s almost always some sort of rectal bleeding going on: Patient is confused as to why everyone is freaking out until they turn around and we all see they shat blood all over there pants.
Also, the patient is usually feeling pretty good until they order an MRI. Once they get into that machine is usually when the shit hits the fan.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Shocking twist: it turns out Cuddy’s cleavage was actually CAUSING the patient to develop enlarged genitals. His lazy brain was another story…
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:55 pm
That was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Well played.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Totally epic. But you forgot the most obvious thing. House almost always sees what’s causing the illness because of something someone else says in an entirely different conversation. Most of the time he freezes or says “Wait, what - did you say/was that last part”
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Well Fuck A Duck. It was Lupus.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Didn’t you hear? Legionnaire’s is the new Lupus.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:57 pm
that’s awesome.
also, someone (usually a woman) says “it’s amylodosis” in evevy episode about half way thru. i love that!!!
great “House rules” — and totally true! i still love House even tho i totally agree w/ your whole thing.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:54 pm
“Give him 4cc’s”
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Its not Lupus… *pops pill*
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:42 pm
[...] Fuente: Cracked.com [...]
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Lol. so true. I think that the writers of House should get even more props for being able to do some variation of this for every episode and still keep it as entertaining as any other show on TV. House is awesome. Hugh Laurie is an amazing actor. His early comedy bits from the UK are just as funny.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Swaim, you mah favorite cracked blogger. High-larious. Unbelievably spot on.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I LOVE HOUSE!!
and everything said here is completely true.
hence why i love it. =)
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:35 pm
This is a perfect breakdown of every episode but I still love the show for some reason.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
And always remember… it’s never Lupus
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:23 pm
as much as i love house, this is so true and hilarious. good stuff.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Same shit, different week.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
@ King Mark I, Tungsten,
re: Mo
If you’re going to be particular about Mo’s correction, you should correct the “your” with “you’re”. How can anyone talk you seriously if you tolerate poor grammar?
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Coolio Says:
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:45 pm
“House is a douche bag”
Thanks! I hadn’t realized! That’s only half the point of show!
Fuckin idiot.
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:03 pm
For the record, I love watching House and the show is always fun and intense to me, but this article was pretty much right on the money. A couple things not mentioned above would be: [enter good acting] and [actually CLEVER dialogue steals scene]…
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Dude, don’t forget that once put into an MRI scanner, the patient will *always* have a troubling eruption of a new symptom signaling some other disease process that they hadn’t looked for in the beginning.
The MRI scanner at Princeton Plainsborough Hospital is an amazing diagnostic tool that they don’t even have to fire up, just stick the patient in it and you save hours/days of useless diagnosing.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Although the template doesn’t fit on episodes 15 and 16 of last season and I doubt that it will apply on episode 9, coming next week.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Hahaha this is so true. House is such a shitty show. HAha this dude below me is such a fag.
House is a douche bag
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
you guys suck. House is a great tv show. before you talk crap about House, I’d like to see the loser wanna be writers of Cracked articles write anything even remotely as good.
Cracked=Major fail
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I about cried at “THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG”
Lmao, I’m still dying here. House, come cure me.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:26 pm
It needs more about his Vicodin addiction. And a special guest star. Oh, and because it’s Sweeps, each and every scenario should be crammed into one episode.
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:21 pm
His O2 sats are dropping!
He’s going into flatline! Get me a crash cart!
We need to intubate!
He’s seizing! Push 2mg of diazepam!
::cut to commercial right as one doctor defibs, the other intubates and the last one injects the valium, only to return from the break with the patient stabilized and House still not giving a shit::
November 22nd, 2008 at 6:16 pm
ep. 1: enlarged blood
ep. 2: lazy pus
ep. 3: infected memory loss
ep. 4: oozes genitals
i would like my emmys now, please.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:58 pm
So true.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:55 pm
LMFAO
i love house
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
36 avenues is a pretty complex formula, if you want to call it that. No wonder it stays fresh.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:27 pm
They should add a placebo in too keep it real. Why not have House overdose on one
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Yeah Swaim! I have seen the show three times, which is more than I have seen any other show in a decade. It is totally formulaic and it is good. My problem is I can’t get “A Bit of Fry and Laurie” or Black Adder III out of my head. How the quintessential upper-class Brit fop became a foul self-centered Yank doc is unfathomable.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I like green apples, not the red ones tho
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
“FADE TO AWESOME” was the funniest part of that whole thing.
November 22nd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
At minute:second 21:19 the patient’s liver will fail, and the alcohol will fix this.
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
may be a tired formula, but god how i love it so.
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I love House, but that was funny. Formulaic does not necessarily equal bad.
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
The show really only won awards for episodes that strayed from the formula and were actually interesting, prosthetic work, or Laurie’s acting.
Oh well, still good.
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
@lichtenstein
it was lupus ONCE…
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Yeah, it’s never lupus or sarcoidosis. NEVER.
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
This sounds like the episode I saw. Guess I’m not missing much.
Rolling in Emmys used to be one of my Life Goals. I guess I never really thought about what that would actually feel like.
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
WRONG SIR, IT WAS LUPUS ONCE
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Forgot about House prying into Wilsons life for no reason then revealing a serious problem in Wilson while revealing another House character flaw. Still a great show though!
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
LOL, so accurate! I still love the show, though.
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Still les predictable than Scooby Doo, not that it means anything.
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
You forgot one step: Guess that it’s lupus (it’s never lupus).
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:46 pm
FYI:
A “viola” is a bowed string instrument, somewhat larger than a violin.
“Voila” is a French word roughly translated as “There it is!”
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I hate that fucking show, but my wife loves it, we watch that shit every week, my wife watches and is supprised when house saves another one, and im like, how many crazy, incurable diseases does one doctor get a week?
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Fuck you, you forgot the pointless character storylines for the team.
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
*WARNING: rolling in Emmys is extremely painful.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
and lol as well for rest. haha
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Awesome. I love the show, but I do suppose there is a rather repetitive formula.
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I’ve never even heard of House…
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
a wholelotof nothing
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
The best part is that, the balls exploding? *It’s not even a joke.*
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I <3 House. So much.
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
That would be the best show ever!
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Mikey Swaim-
My babies, you must have them
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Haha, yes, this is so true, but I still enjoy the show, mostly for the dialogue. Then again it’s very possible I’d watch a show that contained House and O’Neil from Stargate going back and forth saying witty, snide things for an hour while abusing their underlings.
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Come on guys let’s do the tree pose with me then we’ll move on to doing wooden planks while I rub oil all over your bodies!
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I love House, and thanks to its formulaic nature, I’ve started to feel like a doctor after only a few episodes.
Patient: So that’s it? This medicine and then I’ll be cured?
Dr. Cameron: Should be. [Warm smile.] You’ll be home in time for Christmas.
DOB: [At home in his underwear.] Bullshit. Check her lips.
Dr. Cameron: Now…wait a minute. [Inspects her lips. They are a yellowish color.] Oh God.
Dr. Chase: [Who was also there.] Yellow?
DOB: They’re Jaundiced!
Dr. Chase: She’s Jaundiced!
DOB: [Standing on couch, spilling cornflakes everywhere.] Her liver’s failing! FUCK!
Dr. Cameron: Her liver’s failing.
Dr. Chase: We’re very bad doctors.
Commercial.
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Yeah, I dunno why House is so popular. You could pretty much reduce this to “House is an asshole for 59 minutes, and a life-saving hero for 1. The rest of the cast is whiny and one-dimensional the whole time. THE END.” I like yours too, though. Anyway, Hugh Laurie’s a good actor, but I can’t stand House.
Also, I think I might have lazy genitals.
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I’ve never watched a House episode before due to not enough time…and, after today, I don’t think I’ll ever have to.
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I dunno about the rest of the commentators here. I find House to be EXTREMELY DULL. The only character on the show that is interesting is House himself, and his act gets so old after a few episodes it becomes a chore to attempt to watch it.
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Whenever I watch that show there’s assbleeding.
Everybody is just.
Assbleeding..
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
yes fade to awesome.house should have that before every commercial break then the show would be even more awesome.
*fades to awesome*
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Wait, when he stares into the camera he’s supposed to be feeling guilty?? I thought he was just brooding.
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Damn, this is been done before. You guys choose this as the follow up to an article about how people steal from YOU?
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Great article! Did make me want to watch House, though.
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
you forgot about how EVERY episode seems to have either lupus or Wilson deasese to houses very limited doctor groupies…
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
*AWESOME
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
“FADE TO AWSOME”………I want that on my tombstone
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Fade to awesome indeed, Swaim. *sniffs, wipes tear from eye* Fade to awesome…indeed.
November 22nd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahahahahhahahahaha
November 22nd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
HAHAHAHAH brilliance !!!
@ Nova, you have a man crush on Hugh Laurie, I’d consider having sex with Cuddy even thouhg I am not a lesbian !!
but this is just pure brilliance!! *two thumbs up!*
November 22nd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Yes, the show follows basically the same formula every episode. But I bet you feel the same kind of high ever time you snort crack and you still do it.
I’d poop a lung if it got House to diagnose me, or for me to look down the cleavage of Cameron/Cuddy/Thirteen.
November 22nd, 2008 at 1:02 pm
ROFLCOPTER @ “the case seems to be solved. THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG.”
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Good article sir, as always.
The show has a true-and-tried formula, that’s hardly news but Hugh Laurie…damn…. he makes the show work.
And I have a man-crush on him.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I always want to watch this and hardly ever get round to it. It’s always on at the wrong time. And now Dirty Sexy Money and Pushing Daisies have been cancelled because other people weren’t watching them. I imagine they always wanted to and hardly ever got round to it. Perhaps they were always on at the wrong time.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to cuddle my Swaim doll for comfort and remind myself that at least the BBC is still making Hotel Babylon.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:49 pm
A bit accurate, but it’s still one of the best shows on tv, I suppose last 2 episodes of season 4 took a different path though, they were brilliant.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:36 pm
“FADE TO AWESOME is correct. The formula works, and this article is hilarious.”
I concur, this is the first TV show I have wanted to watch regularly since Dragonball Z back in 5th grade. Law & Order is pretty good too, but doesn’t have the pull of “I must watch this even if I’ve seen the episode” House.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
The exploding balls turned out to be a dream sequence. What a rip.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:22 pm
@Tungsten.
ZOMG! YOU WROTE “S.W.A.I.N.” INSTEAD OF “S.W.A.I.M.” THUS VOIDING YOUR ENTIRE THOUGHT OUT ARGUMENT! BAAAAAW!
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
i wish there was someway i could get my hands on ya..ya quit writing then cause you’d be fucked up asshole
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
As a rabid House fan…that was inaccurate. The atmospheric indie rock montage occurs much, much later than you placed it.
Other than that…a dead-nuts accurate description, and freakin’ hilarious!
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Lol, plus his misanthropist attitude gets very boring. Yes, we get it you hate people blablabla. I stopped watching with good reason.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
@ whatever: His name is Hugh Laurie…he’s a british actor and has to fake an american accent.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Ah, it’s true, but I like it anyway. ^.^
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Hey Tungsten…don’t you mean S.W.A.I.M in that last little grammar/spelling rant?
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
s is why i stopped watching house. the same formula can only entertain you for so long.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I know!! But it is still so awesome and addictive!
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:58 am
It’s not lupus/Surprise, it’s actually lupus. Only ever works once, after spending an entire season, episode, and commercial break beating his staff with the former.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:58 am
I like House. But like most other shows on television, it has a definite episode format. It’s been moving away from that lately, though.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
Yup. That’s pretty much it. Awesome post about a totally watchable show.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
King Mark I is an imbecile. Shall I count the ways?
1) “Narcisism” surely is not a word. It’s “narcissism” (or “narcism”).
2) Mo wasn’t correcting S.W.A.I.M. He/she was correcting grammar nazi, who claimed “nazi-ness” to be a word. It is not, and Mo correctly identified “Nazism” as the actual word (”Naziism” is, too).
So, “don’t correct someone if you are wrong.” Kindly abstain from tarnishing the image of S.W.A.I.N. supporters who actually know what they’re talking about.
Regards,
Tungsten
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:44 am
[...] aici. This entry was written by Ovi, posted on November 22, 2008 at 6:44 pm, filed under Filme, Fun, [...]
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
“But remember: always contrast your two storylines, so as to show emotional complexity”
daaaaaaaaaymn swaim, that really broke it down. nice analyzing, i gots new respect for ye now.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:38 am
FADE TO AWESOME is correct. The formula works, and this article is hilarious. Love the plot- band-aids stuck everywhere.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
Nice visual summery.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
Couldn’t you have just linked us to House’s tv.com page where we would have the same things, but in much greater quantities?
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:25 am
House is still a pretty entertaining showm though, even if I did just realise, thanks to this, how formualic it is.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
I really enjoy House even with the rather formulaic script. The characters and dialogue make the show for me, and I think it’s better than most of the drivel on TV. Someone commented on how House is more a detective show, I believe in one of the commentaries the show’s producer states that House was inspired by Sherlock Holmes. It was originally meant as a “medical CSI” type show before it ended up where it’s at now. So the likeness to detective shows is largely intentional.
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
and STILL the show rocks
it’s amazing that way
November 22nd, 2008 at 11:02 am
Oh mylanta.. that is exactly like the only two episodes I’ve ever seen of House.
Now it’s almost not even worth trying to catch it when it’s on..
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
And we love him for it.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
To Mo: Narcisism is actually a word. Señor Swaim didn’t mean nazism or fail miserably. Don’t correct someone if you are wrong. (I got your back Swaim!)
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
Pooping lungs is pretty rough. Why do they have to be so damned delicious?!?
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 am
This is pretty accurate, and I like House.
I’ve also noticed that House is much less a medical drama than it is a detective show. Cross the typical House formula with an episode of say, Monk, and you’ve got exactly the same form.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
I concur wholeheartedly, Swaim!
I still like House, though.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
Who the hell is the ‘House’ guy? I’ve heard of the TV show…
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
wow, as i read i pictured each house episode i’ve ever read, and they all fit.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 am
I knew I didn’t like you Swaim.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
“THE PATIENT POOPS A LUNG” That made me laugh way more than it should have.
Also, as spot on as that formula is, the ingredients are totally awesome. It’s like having really, really good pizza. But once a week. And “sarcasm” is now a pizza topping.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:09 am
Switch some names and actions out, and you’ve got yourself any show ever made today.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:09 am
I’ve only seen one episode of House… It must’ve been this one.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 am
Funny, this article makes House look even more complex than it actually is.
But we shouldn’t talk like this about House, some things are sacred
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 am
and grammar nazi, it would be nazism your slipping.
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 am
My three favorite shows are house, burn notice, and scrubs, so while a three year old with the mind of a four year old could figure out each one’s as formulaic as can be I apparently do not care enough to stop watching. Although I am getting a little sick of all the house might be dying plots like getting shot or having cancer when everyone knows that they will never kill the character till the show get’s cancelled.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 am
Now that was freakin hilarious. I do love the show, I admit, but yeah… that right there pretty much sums up every single episode.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 am
See what I did there? That was sarcasm. I don’t really feel ashamed. Actually I gave a wry smile and lowered my head slightly while looking up with my eyes. I do that a lot, too.
On a serious note, House kicks ass, don’t give a f–k if it’s formulaic. The formula is great. If we didn’t have House, we might be stuck watching garbage like Fringe instead.
Oh yeah, Swaim, please do one on Burn Notice. Great show, but you can do things about yogurt, Bruce Campbell having a “lady friend”, Fi wanting to shoot people, big s–t-eating grins from Jeffrey Donovan, etc. But that show still kicks ass too.
Now go get him a CT, MRI, and biopsy his white matter.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 am
It’s “Voila!”, not “Viola!”. Or “Voilà!”, for top-notch nazi-ness (which is definitely a word).
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
Yeah Serpentish, that explains it. Not your lack of taste.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:53 am
You spelled “narcissism” wrong. Otherwise, really a great job. I feel so ashamed.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
The fact that it’s so cookie cutter explains why even though I loved it I lost interest somewhere in season 2. Nice swaim, you win some “lazy fetus” syndrome.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 am
“FADE TO AWESOME” made my day. Although it leaves me confused as to whether or not you’re a House fan, Swaim…. This article would suggest you find the show formulaic, but then common sense suggests that no one could ever not like House. So I’m stuck at a quandary. Enlighten us!
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:38 am
Never watched house even once, and I dont intend to change that.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:36 am
Yeah, I think you mean, “self-fellating.” As an avowed loather of House and the faggoty actor who plays him, I have to say that this is right on the money. Really hilarious stuff.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:30 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBda4wfFlp0
Sorry dead ringers got there way before you swaim
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:18 am
Kudos, Swaim. Now I never have to watch House in order to appear douche-baggishly smart again.
Now all you have to do is dissect ER, Grey’s Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, and Doctor Quinn: Medicine woman… and we’re in business!
But not Scrubs… don’t you DARE fucking touch Scrubs.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:15 am
FADE TO AWESOME. Brilliant. Like House.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:12 am
House is awesome, but that was very good.
Wanna see next week’s episode bad.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:10 am
you forgot the gay. the hours and hours of hot, house/wilson gay.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:54 am
Self-flagellating? Asburd! He flagellates everyone *else*
Otherwise dead on ^^
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:51 am
As a religious House watcher, that fucking killed.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:48 am
I love House but you hit the nail on the head there I think.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:47 am
I feel sad, nay, ashamed for liking it now. Goddamn it, I knew these things but you just had to go ahead and nail them on paper, didn’t you Swaim? DIDN’T YOU?
I shall go and cry into my Hugh Laurie shrine now. While showing him cleavage.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:45 am
All good points, well made, but you forgot to mention that this formula results in large piles of AWESOME, 95% of the time. So there.
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:40 am
first lol
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:23 am
Is it wrong that I still think those episodes would be good?
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:17 am
Hahaha.*cough* Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to mail some scripts….
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:05 am
LOL nice