The overwhelming response to my recent post regarding the Nigersaurus, “cow of the Mesozoic,” made it painfully clear to me how ill-equipped the average human is to survive a dinosaur attack. There was talk of shooting Japanese gowns with BB-guns, a children’s television show starring a lizard, and other nonsense that would be equally useless should a T-Rex drop in and fuck up your shit.
And because I care so much about my readership, I’ve scoured the net for the answer to the question mankind has been asking itself since the first caveman rubbed two stones together and was instantly devoured by a wandering Tyrannosaur: How the hell do you kill one?!
Below, three scenarios you may not find so unlikely…when they happen to YOU.
Feasible T-Rex Death Scenario 1
You’re minding your own business, tagging a herd of African elephants for an ecological conservation program, when out of nowhere a prize Tyrannosaurus Rex bursts from the herd and makes straight for you. All you have on you is a pocket knife, a mylar bag of tagging equipment, and a Barret M82A3 loaded up with depleted uranium or tungsten-cored rounds.
Your best bet: Cut a small strip of mylar from the bag with the knife, and use it as a makeshift blindfold on the Rex. Tyrannosaurus Rex’s follow their prey by sensing movement, and if they are unable to see you, they will wander off, bored.
More Than Plausible T-Rex Death Scenario 2
You and the family are out enjoying a day at the beach, when out of nowhere a Great White Shark leaps from the waves towards your precocious son Max who has been playing at the shoreline. Just before it swallows the tyke whole, an aquatic T-Rex snaps it out of the air like so much appetizer, then aims for the main course: you.
Your best bet: A Tyrannosaurus skull is as think as a phalanx infantryman’s shield, so you’re not going to be able to tackle this thing head on. As it charges, roll to the side, simultaneously pulling your umbrella out of the sand. Hurl it, javelin-like, at the spot just behind the right shoulder. This will down the Rex instantly.
Almost a Certainty T-Rex Death Scenario 3
The drug deal has gone south. Guillermo opens fire with his AK and bullets are flying everywhere. Oh, did I forget to mention? Guillermo is a fucking T-REX.
Your best bet: One word. Helicopter.
If you fear other types of T-Rex encounter, feel free to post a brief description below. Myself or a member of the community will be happy to let you know how to best protect yourself against nature’s walking abattoir.
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July 6th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
well guys lets stop looking at the dinosaurs as if they were movie monsters. for one t-rex can see you when your not mving. also climb into a log. the t-rex’s servival instincts will kick in and it will probly leave you alone to avoid injury to its self sence your only a small snack to it. the exspection to this rule would be if you were near is nest. its theroized they were worse than bears when it came to protecting their young. if you run it will chace and out run you.also you are a small meal to a raptor so it would want you. next fire arms vs dinosaurs. now aginst a t-rex you might as well poke it with a stick if you plan on using somthing lower than a .50, and dont even bother with a pistol. its skull wuold be about X15 times harder than that of the cape bufflo. if you hunt large game in you know those guys are tough as nails. for a t-rex i would recamendsetting up a tower 80ft above the ground and using a BOYS anti .55 calibier anti tank rifle from WW1 or an RPG/TOW misslie system. also dont count on a t-rex being alone. packs of them have been found together consisting of up to 4 or 5 of members. being about a hundred times more dangrous than any creature on earth today i would stay away from them if they were ever reserecurted.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
OK, so you’re reading what is apparently well meant and slightly inane Web humor, because you have few friends and far too much free time. You make up some contrived dinosaur/carnivore encounter in order to tempt the original writer to indulge your need for contact—even computer contact. The story master–we’ll just call him “Michael S”, shall we?—starts to inquire, to probe:
“What sort of car is the T Rex driving?”
“Did you offer him some of your gnocchi, or did he just take it from your plate?”
“Was this the first time your girlfriend mused about a T=Rex threesome, or is this a recurring theme for her?”
And then it dawns on you. “Michael S” is not trying to help you with your multifaceted T=Rex “issues”, —-He IS A FUCKING T-REX, Bucko! Just trying to neutralize our carefully orchestrated defenses! The BASTARD! The NERVE! You can keep your friendly “advice”, partner—-I’m keeping my T-Rex defenses for myself and my guiding voices that live in the television. No more helpful hints for you, you stinking T-Rex/human impostor.
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:54 am
Chubby Grannies Chubby Blonde Mature Chubby Mature Thumbs…
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
January 7th, 2008 at 9:38 am
My sons name is Max….(short for maximus)….I shall never go swimming again…THANKS CRACKED!!!!!
December 26th, 2007 at 1:17 am
is it possible that the majority of people who left comments about this are not these sentient animals within them selves? the dark lord mays’t be onto something; have you ever felt the deep instinct in ownes soul that they have not been on this earth not once but many times? not just our former forms but ther ehave been worlds built upon worlds in this midball we call earth. may we not think that maybe for a moment thier were not senient beings before man? why are you so attracted to this one spieces yet have had dreams and visions and have travelled through time in your minds eye the subconcious in which the concious mind cannot read…or comprehend the rest of the 90% of perfection your brains so harness the power to reach? why do i have dreams of hunting?….feel the need to flex my fingers like a cat yet suddenly feel as one with nature and all other things have come to the understanding that within ones self only then can they view the real observatiojn of what the world time and space really is ware beyond the senses.. and yet so precetive to the ones that are primative with in onesself what is it that makes us FEEL emathic to being one creature in ones body unknown to the one we care now and yet our guide tells us there have been worlds among us within demesnsion of 27 we will triencarnater in some not as the same but in different times and places different worlds with in many galaxies the universe may be infiinete this we alread know deep down inside by usin gour brains and feeling with our hearts at the same time with out the proof of science yet adavanced enough which preseants a flaw in some of our logic we evolve to fast just as they did knowing nothing was forever yet nothing was everything you may have dreams of being a soilder fightig the world war maybe even the cival war perhaps a peasant in a castle perhaps in a dark place or beingmothered by a spiecves you do not know perhaps on another world or (( that s tar you see in the night sky feels like home as you are no.w in this time )) i can’t go on really beacsue i know too much. just enjoy the time you are here and make the most of iot every chance we have is a test but we are all immmortal in the end….
December 12th, 2007 at 5:12 am
WHAT DO YOU DO?
December 12th, 2007 at 5:12 am
You find yourself forced to engage in demented mind games with a T-Rex who is systematically killing off your friends and family as you look on, horrified. He seems able to predict your every move, and yet no one else believes he exists. Through a gross misunderstanding, a policeman shoots you square in the head. Yet somehow, you survive. That would be impossible, unless your skull was as thick as a Phalanx shield. Then, suddenly, it dawns on you… YOU ARE THE FUCKING T-REX.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
You are at the grocery store. To a woman you make a joke that is very typical of your sense of humor. She laughs in a way that shows that she really GETS IT. You look her in the eyes (eyes that you notice are really attractive), she returns the eye-looking, and before you know it you realize you have been gazing into each others eyes for a stretch of minutes. AND SOMETHING HAS REALLY BEEN COMMUNICATED THERE! You feel that you want to stuff this woman so full of babies that by the time they all get out of her some of them will be grown up and about to have babies of thier own.
Later at a bar you make a joke about T-Rex’s and their funny little arms. Quickly the magic comes to a stop and she says to you coldly “My little brother is a T-Rex, I had to take care of him growing up because my parents were ashamed of his little arms.” WHAT DO YOU DO?
November 25th, 2007 at 1:02 am
Ian…are you a T-Rex covering for the other T-Rexes who are not actually dead??
November 24th, 2007 at 2:42 am
god im an asshole
November 24th, 2007 at 2:42 am
your sitting around in your underwear at 2:47am with one hand down your shorts reading a pretty cute artical about killing a t-rex. whial reading posts that combine tid bits from wierd news stories and bad movies in an attempt to be… you know… funny… when suddenly you realize: thats not a sweaty twenty bopper with his hand down his underwear. its a t-rex! what do you do?
November 24th, 2007 at 1:54 am
So I’m walking around in the woods with my friends. We get a bit lost. They think home is to the left but I think its to the right. I go right, alone, while they head left. After an hour of walking I’m lost. Its getting cold out and I forgot my jacket. I see a house and go in to ask to use the phone. I knock on the door AND ITS A FUCKING T-REX! My pockets are empty and I’m in rural New Hampshire. WHAT DO I DO?
November 24th, 2007 at 1:17 am
Also, the T-rex pictured above is sporting one hell of a jockstrap.
November 23rd, 2007 at 8:46 pm
I want to get my daughter a T-rex for Christmas, but I’m not sure my yard is big enough. Is a daily half-hour walk enough exercise for a T-rex? And how easy are they to be potty trained?
(By the way, I think articles like this should totally go on the front page. From a general humor site, I’d prefer to see more diversity.)
November 23rd, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Scenario: Some punk gets all up in your face while your out with your friends and chatting up this girl. To show her how tough you are and ive her a glimpse of what she’s getting later, you headbut this guy. But wait, ow, Phallanx shield skull! This is no guy, it’s a fucking T-Rex! With lasers…
November 23rd, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Jonathan: Actually, at that point your major problem would be figuring out what kind of airliner allowed a T-rex to fly, and living the rest of your life with the savage deaths of dozens of people on your head. That, and deciphering with of the 37 factors of compatibility led you to this dire fate. My guess would be the quiche thing.
Lauren: This one is tricky. The rex has obviously infiltrated human society, and is likely trying to earn enough money to buy a car (clearly, once a T-Rex has that kind of mobility, there’s no stopping him). This tricky rex of yours will likely not want to blow his cover. Proceed with the transaction normally, and call a Dinosaur Control Center the second he’s out of the house. They’ll take it from there. But make sure you tip well, or you risk a swift disembowelment.
Autocrat: Texbook case. Use the crack pipe to scrape the powder out of the shotgun shells and into the bag of crap. Light the powder with the bic, and watch all three deities/dinosaurs run in terror as your feces-bomb renders the whole block unliveable.
November 22nd, 2007 at 5:00 pm
You are smoking crack in an alleyway behind a Dollar Tree store when suddenly Satan and Jesus show up and start having an apocalyptic battle over who gets to lie on the urine-stained mattress inside the cardboard box home next to you, then Buddha shows up with an M14 and an ammo belt strapped around his chest and starts telling you to seek enlightenment. Then you realize that Buddha is actually A FUCKING T-REX! He’s closing in on your jugular and all you’ve got on you is a handful of shotgun shells, a bic lighter, a crack pipe, and for some reason, a plastic bag filled with your own crap. What do you do?
November 22nd, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Scenario: You’re enjoying some free time around your apartment, waiting on some tasty Chinese take-out, when the doorbell rings. Turns out, the delivery guy is actually a T-Rex, and also the barrier between you and General Gau’s spicy bliss. What do you do?
November 22nd, 2007 at 7:49 am
Say you meet the perfect chick on E Harmony or whatever, find out you both love Apocalyptica and bacon/mushroom quiche, talk on the phone late into the night for a month or two and fall in love, then you meet her at the airport and find out that glamour shot she put on the computer was bullshit and she’s actually a fucking T-Rex. Would you have to worry at that point that your penis might be too small, or would that actually be the least of your problems?
November 21st, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Karl: Assuming you are Russian, nothing. Mother Russia is clearly winning the war against the filthy Capitalists. Congratulations!
Ross: Forge fossil evidence revealing the Rex and Triceratops in a steamy love tryst. Use your connections with the international curator crowd to get the fossils a world museum tour, then subtly implant the idea in the Rex’s brain that the girlfriend would be absolutely floored by a trip to the local museum on Valentine’s day. Watch the relationship fall apart, and be ready with the kleenex: she’s going to need a rebound guy.
November 21st, 2007 at 6:33 pm
The girl you’re in love with is dating a T-Rex. He’s posessive and jealous. He’s also cheating on her with a hot Triceratops. How do you use it to your advantage without being torn into very small meat-sized chunks?
November 21st, 2007 at 6:08 pm
You are an astronaut working on board a space station. A T-Rex, wearing a full space suit, appears through the door leading to the emergency airlock. It removes it’s helmet and begins devouring your fellow astronauts. You realize that something is amiss: DINOSAURS DON’T LIVE IN SPACE! You suspect that the T-Rex was planted by the Russians. What do you do?
November 21st, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Nick–
Scenario A: Call in a bomb threat, and when your T-Rex boss calmly vacates the building, shoot him in the face with a harpoon gun. This won’t kill him, but it will make him mad enough to forget about the report altogether.
Scenario B: Apologize politely, then when the Rex turns back tot he dace floor, break a pool cue across his fat dinosaur head.
Wild Marker: Remain calm. The Rex has merely found your missing wallet and wants to return it. Offer him a reward of the cash inside, and keep a better eye on it next time (you left it on the table at a deli after lunch).
jmcfarl3: Not only would you fit inside her vagina, you’d find the remains of several of her previous human conquests.
Kevin: Now that’s just nonsense.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Scenario: A horny-yet-bloodthirtsy, flaming homosexual T-Rex, spitting pirahnas and throwing Zombie Polar Bears at you while you’re standing naked in the middle of your Freshman Geometry class, which is filled with hormonally-imbalanced, adolescent T-rexes and taught by Michael Myers (the new, Rob Zombie version who was as subtle as a chainsaw to the face). How best should one crawl into a pathetic fetal position and wait to be reincarnated as Scarlett Johanssen’s favorite sport bra?
November 21st, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Ian, be my friend
November 21st, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Scenario: You get drunk and begin making out with a less-than-entertaining female. At this moment you realize you are sexually attracted to that T-rex in your ecology class. Would I fit inside her vagina?
November 21st, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Ian, you’re like the a-bomb. Everyone around is just laughing and having a good time, and you come along and boom… all dead.
November 21st, 2007 at 12:55 pm
These questions are all irrelevant; it’s a well-known scientific fact that all the dinosaurs were killed 5,000 years ago during the Flood.
November 21st, 2007 at 9:41 am
Scenario: You’re walking on the street, minding your own business, when you see a T-Rex coming at you, and then, you also realize you can’t find your wallet. What should one do?
November 21st, 2007 at 9:28 am
Senerio 2: You’re in a bar and you spill a beer on someone. That someone happens to be a fucking T-rex…..
November 21st, 2007 at 8:55 am
Senario: You’re at work and you have to turn a presentation into your boss by 12:00, but your boss is a fucking T-rex. What do I do?