Cracked Columnists

William Shatner to run Canada in to the ground

shatnerAuthor's note: This article covers a subject on Canadian current events, and consequently uses terminology that American readers may not be familiar with. Footnotes have been added where appropriate.

William Shatner, star of the 1982 hit T.J. Hooker, made headlines in Canada last week when he announced he would like to run the country one day. The announcement came when Shatner was responding to a letter from a fan requesting that he put himself forward for the position of Governor General1 of Canada. The actor, also known for playing the role of William Shatner in a variety of different films, replied to the fan stating that if he was to serve any role in Canadian government, it would be that of the Prime Minister.2 As far as Bill Shatner is concerned, ceremonial roles are bullshit.

1. The Governor General is a made up job, with zero authority. Its equivalent in the American Government would be the Secretary of Education.2. The prime minister is the Canadian head of government. Like the president, but without all the cool limos or helicopters or personal plane. Your president is kind of like a G.I. Joe figure now that I think about it.shatner-dollA Canadian Walk of Fame3 honoree, Shatner has never served in any sort of political role before, nor expressed any interest in public policy, nor possesses any leadership experience outside of that gained on a cheaply made television show that was canceled 40 years ago. Yet, despite these setbacks, his "fresh" face might be an asset in Canadian politics, where the existing leadership of all the parties are despised by all that breathe air. If Shatner did throw his hat in the ring, many Canadian political experts expect he'd win in a poutine.43. The Canadian Walk of Fame is like the Hollywood walk of fame, except without famous people. Current "luminaries" on the walk include the girl who played the girl in the hit Canadian show Turn of the Century Coming of Age Drama 3, the guy from the Canadian Tire ads, someone who once shook hands with Alan Thicke and Alan Thicke.4. Landslide.

Even though this had every appearance of being a joke with next to no chance of actually happening, it was pretty big news in Canada, and did manage to knock the ladies curling5 results off the front page of the daily newspapers. This probably says something about either how awesome the idea of William Shatner running a country is, how dangerously unpredictable he actually is or how boring it was in Canada last week.

5. A game played on ice with rocks and brooms. The only known sport where sedatives are considered performance enhancing.

Much of the commentary on the subject has centered around Shatner's role in the 1984 film, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, where he played starship captain James Tiberius Kirk - a role he would reprise in several sequels. Many have made hilarious juxtapositions of the two roles of starship captain and politician, examining the possibility of our prime minister conducting affairs of state in a snug jumper, seducing and punching aliens while abroad on state business. This idle chatter did raise an interesting question in my mind though: What qualities of being a starship captain would apply to being a good national leader? Wearing a unitard and sitting in a chair for long hours obviously, but what else?

To follow up on that, I decided to use science and analyze each of the captains from the Star Trek universe to determine the qualities that would make them suitable for leading the sixth greatest country in the world. Hopefully this will also get me out ahead of the people printing "Picard for PM" signs, and save us the trouble of listening to that particular debate for the next 20 years.

James Tiberius KirkkirkPros:

Charismatic.

Knows how to use his fists.

Inspiring orator.

Actually Canadian. Cons:

Prone to violence. Very high chance during a G-8 summit he would grapple with a world leader before knocking him to the ground with a cross.

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Jean Luc PicardpicardPros:

Has a deep abiding respect for due process and playing by the rules. Very Canadian.

Exceedingly diplomatic. Almost no chance of him grappling with world leaders.

Speaks French. Cons:

Bald.

Possibly compromised by his time with the Borg.

Not actually Canadian.

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Benjamin SiskosiskosmallPros:

Has executive experience running a space station, host to people from a hundred different cultures.

Wrote the "Thong Song," which was the anthem for an entire generation for much of the Spring of 2000. Cons:

Seems on edge.

Not actually Canadian.

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Kathryn JanewayjanewayPros:

Is used to long stretches of tedium, which is kind of a thing here in Canada.

Businesslike haircut. Cons:

I didn't actually watch Voyager.

Not actually Canadian.

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Scott Bakulascott-bakulaPros:

Just a magnificent specimen of a man. Cons:

None.

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