Dear Kristen Wiig,
Enough games. Let’s stop playing around, avoiding the issue and hiding behind our various defense mechanisms. I’m taking down the walls, Kristen Wiig, and lowering the mask. I’m putting all of my cards on the table. Just look at all those sexy cards.
Will you marry me?
I know. You’re shocked. I’m a little shocked, too. I mean, I never expected us to fall in love. I assumed I’d stay a notorious internet bachelor for the rest of my days, spending my time caught up in an erotic, naked whirlwind of supermodels and corndogs. That was before you, Kristen Wiig. When you were just in TV and Movies, I thought, you were off limits. But then you stepped onto the my turf, (the internet), with your delightful new web series, and I can only assume it’s because you wanted to be closer to me.
All you had to do was ask, Kristen.
Like most people, I stopped watching SNL once Horatio Sans left, but thank God I decided to check it out again on a whim. If I didn’t, I’d have missed you, Kristen Wiig, and I think we both know just how devastating that would’ve been. Between your hilarious, all-too-real SNL characters, your scene-stealing performances in a lot of recent hit movies, and your frequent award-winning appearances in my dreams, I’ve fallen nuts-over-balls in love with you, Kristen Wiig, and I don’t think it’s presumptuous of me to say that the feeling is mutual.
So come on. Let’s stop wasting time. Let’s quit dickin’ around like a couple of dicks, and let’s get married. For real.
Why should we get married? Great friggin’ question. If I was a poet, I’d construct a sonnet detailing the reasons why. As it stands, I write for Cracked.
So I made a list.
On Things We Have in Common:
We have so much in common, Kristen Wiig, that it would be irresponsible of us not to get married. We’re both moderately famous superstars, for one thing. You’re a busy actress doing interviews in Entertainment Weekly, and I’m an influential and respected internet humorist, doing interviews in the October 2008 issue of the Campus Free Press. (The Campus Free Press is like Time Magazine, but for the internet.) I know the ups and downs of fame, Kristen Wiig. I can relate and connect on a level that you’re average John Q. NotFamousOnTheInternet can’t.
Plus, we both like stealing. In an interview with David Letterman, you said that you moved out to LA after college and, because you didn’t know the area, you illegally ripped out a map of LA from a phonebook, so you could get around. I also moved to LA right after I graduated and stole a bunch of things, (a colander from Target, 6 DVDs from Hollywood Video, and one cat from my neighbor), within a week of living here! Look at us. A couple of lawless pilgrims, we are. *
Oh, also, you like to get naked and roll around in leaves, apparently.
I do this in my backyard on a fairly regular basis. Consider this your formal invitation to join me.
Marry me.
On My Qualifications:
Kristen Wiig I would be such a great freakin’ husband to you it’s not even funny. When you get home from work, I’ll listen diligently while you talk about your day. You want to vent about your coworkers? I’m here for you, baby. You want to tell a pointless, meandering story about an experience you had purchasing shoes? I find it very interesting, and I look forward to hearing more about it. Is there an attractive woman at work who makes you feel insecure? You’re much prettier than she is, plus I’ll tell everyone that she used to have a wiener. Did you have a hard day? Are you exhausted? There’s a list of things that my hands were made to do, Kristen Wiig, and orgasm-inducing-shoulder-massages is right at the top.
Wanna exercise together? I run every day, once beat up Kimbo Slice, and can do more sit-ups than there are numbers. If the incredible physical specimen that is my body isn’t of interest to you, you should also know that I’m extremely well read. I’ve been reading and studying forever and I apply the knowledge I’ve gained in my everyday life to solve problems and resolve conflicts. I’m like a deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown, Kristen, I swear to God.
Also, Kristen Wiig, I’m really good with knots. Hell, I won’t undersell myself on this point: I am great with knots, Kristen Wiig. Legendary. So if you’ve got, like, fishing line or yarn or ribbon or something that’s all tangled and knotty, I guarantee you I’ll be able to straighten it all out for you. I know how frustrating tricky knots can be, but I have the patience, know-how and focus that the untying of a complex knot requires.
I’m not trying to be funny. There’s no double meaning and I’m not trying to imply anything sexual, here. I’m just naturally, freakishly gifted when it comes to knots, I always have been, and I thought you should know. Above average knot-skill is just another quality I bring to the table. Just got home from work and you’re annoyed because the laces of your running shoes got tangled up in your gym bag? You just leave that to me, sweetie. Daniel will take care of it; you go ahead and take a nice bath, I already started running the water for you. And here, I poured you a glass of wine. Relax. You earned it.
And by the time you get out of your bubble bath, the knots will be gone, thanks to my remarkably skilled hands!
Marry me.
This could be our wedding cake topper.
On My Experience:
When I was like 14 or so I dated this chick named Caryn who was a lot like you in both behavior and appearance. I’m not trying to make you jealous or anything, I’m just saying that I’m already fairly well versed in dating someone that is sort of like you, so getting married to someone who is you should be a pretty seamless transition. Plenty of guys probably want to marry you, but I’d wager that I’m one of the few who has actual relevant experience on his resume’.
When Kristen dressed up as Pam, my dick’s brain exploded.
Oh, and one other thing, just some ground rules. I am totally and uncompromisingly against having children, no matter what. I think babies are stupid, there are already too many people in the world, and I hate pregnant women, so I will never want to have children.
…
Unless, of course, you want children, in which case I’ll pump you so full of kids you won’t know whether to build a crib or a warehouse, Kristen Wiig.
***
So there it is, Kristen Wiig. You can leave your response in the comments below, or you can email me or you can just meet me at our wedding, this Sunday, (I think that’ll be best).
I invited all the Cracked readers, I hope that’s cool. Also I’ll be wearing a cape.
Hugs and Kisses, Stars and Wishes,
-Daniel.
* You also mentioned in that interview that you have a boyfriend. I’m choosing to ignore that, but only because I’m pretty sure you want me to.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- 'Watchmen' Fan Cordially Invites Fox to Eat Several Dicks - December 26th, 2008
- Letters From Santa - December 19th, 2008
- 'Twas the Night Before Christmas 2: Christmasturbation - December 12th, 2008
- The X Most Blankiest Somethings in the History of Whatever - December 5th, 2008
- The First Thanksgiving: An Almost Graphic Representation - November 28th, 2008
December 21st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
nice marry me graphic (:
December 17th, 2008 at 3:57 am
I want to marry Kristen Wiig, too
and I like dudes.
December 13th, 2008 at 2:24 am
I’ll marry you, Dan!
I too enjoy stripping naked and rolling in leaves.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Can i steal this and replace all the kristin wiigs with “marla sokoloffs”? I’ll link to your images which will make no sense but you can then manipulate them anyway you would like.
It would help most if you changed them to pictures of marla sokoloff.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:24 am
Daniel,
I’m flattered, really, but I can’t marry you. You and I are too perfect and would blind people when we stood next to each other.
Best of luck,
Kristen Wiig
November 24th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
[...] Armer dugg a story on Digg Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? November 8 at 8:02 am - Comment - Like Date November 24th, 2008 Filed in [...]
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I hope she says yes…can you find Horatio Sans for me!? I saw him in 24 hr play last week and damn!! I’d like to marry him!
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:42 pm
If for some reason you and Kristen (God forbid!) don’t work out….MARRY ME! I’m horrible at knots and my freakishly frequent knot problems have led my heart to instantly fall for your knot untying bubblebath brewing skills. Seriously you’d change my life and I’d instantly make yours even better!
November 21st, 2008 at 5:55 pm
People like her? She’s fucking awful, nearly every role is a slight variation on the same annoying cunt. She should be working in a coal mine where she wouldn’t be able to bother people.
Whether you’re talking hotness or funniness:
Tina Fey > Amy Poehler > Oprah Winfrey > Kristen Wiig
November 21st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
If she says no, I’ll marry you dude. You sound like a fungi, and I’m into mushrooms and whatnot.
November 20th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Best of luck sir……………all girls want orgasm inducing shoulder massages and deep-dicking Encyclopedia Browns who wear capes, so you have a good chance of success……….Would I lie?
November 19th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
imapepper01:
Uhhh… it is spelled “attorneys.”
You, sir = FAIL.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Jeez, what a douche…
November 17th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I fucked her once. Nice pussy, but a little dry.
November 15th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Eh, she could be hotter. What do you see in her, Dan?
November 15th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Please send us a picture of you both rolling naked in dry leaves in your backyard. Thank you.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I found this strangely cute…
And also, the “Kristen Wiig” below me spelled attourneys wrong. Take that Grammar Cop!
November 14th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
You’ll be hearing from my attorneys soon.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:01 am
who d moving fuckin person u r??????
November 13th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Wiig is hilarious and will do a great job picking up the Poehler slack.
And I would totally send her a sext message: http://fiturl.com/0jW
November 13th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
All these Kristen Wiig impersonators are breaking DOB’s heart. Except of course for the comments left by her anus and her vagina… I think…
November 12th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I’ll let her know you’re interested in her, as soon as she gets out of my shower.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:36 am
If she won’t, i will! and I’ve been told that I am funny. Oh wait, that was from my husband. Shuyiiitttttttt!
November 11th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
something bad happened to her nose
November 11th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Will LMC be playing at the reception?
November 11th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Yes I do, 12-Pack, but I don’t see what that has to do with me.
Why don’t you explain it to me, over a nice wedding. Our wedding.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:08 am
DOB, do you know what gamomania is?
November 11th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Kristen Wiig is nice, but I’m gonna hold out and hope that Tina Fey responds the letter…
November 10th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
That’s me : )
November 10th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
thank god for the grammar cop! without that bored motherfucker, i would have never realized how completely not funny this article was because of misplaced commas and the incorrect use of ‘than’!! Seriously! I am not being sarcastic at all. As soon as I read the grammar cop’s post I immediately stopped chuckling about, you know, the actual subject matter of article and threw my computer out of a third story window, such was my disgust with the horrid grammar. I mean who cares about comedic writing if you can’t even get through the piece without tripping over all of those faulty commas? UGH! DOB, you should definitely thank the grammar cop for (his/her?) close reading of your article with a swift pimp slap or a tire iron to the temple.
Grammar cop, once again thank you for your comment. on behalf of all real cracked readers, I am sending you a book entitled, How Not to Come Across as a Total Douche! When you get it, please shove it straight up your ass!
November 10th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Didn’t you blow it with Caryn because she was too much woman for you? I see no signs that would indicate you could handle Kristen Wiig, or Caryn again.
November 10th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I pride myself in being an amazing un-knotter too.
We should probably get married, Daniel O’Brien.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:07 am
If she won’t I will.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:09 am
I have respect for a good Grammar Cop.
Nothing is more irritating than somebody that feels the need to correct another persons grammar in an offensive manner while fucking up their own grammar more seriously than any mistake made by the original ‘offender’.
November 9th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
OMG i can’t stop laughing, thank u 4 lighting up my day
November 9th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who finds Kristen Wiig painfully, painfully unfunny. When given the option to be eaten alive by fire ants or to watch Kristen Wiig sketches all day, you’d bet I’d be picking the latter after a very serious consideration of the former.
November 9th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
In response to Marko’s Grammatical Critiques…
By The Grammar Cop (My badge number is 696969, in case you want to take me up with the chief later)
1) “Howcome” is not a word, nor is it a contraction (Which I could only imagine would be “Howme”).
2) There is no damn need for a comma in the phrase “tell the difference, when writing” because it is already a complete clause. The comma simply makes it sound long winded, drawn out and nonsensical, which is amazing considering the content alone already accomplishes that.
3) In the phrase ‘I could never write “you’re” instead of “your”,’ the comma would go inside the quotation marks, because… well, because its the motherfucking law. Check “Warriner’s English Grammar and Composition,” which I have in turn ordered for you for Christmas from Amazon, so be excited.
4) The word “than” is incorrectly used between (you’re) and “your” in the first sentence of the third paragraph. Had you used “and,” I would not have needed to spend the extra millisecond deciphering what you really meant. Now, I will never get that damn millisecond back… (Dies inside)
5) In general, you have several unnecessary commas throughout the piece, which slows down your diatribe from “Aunt Jemima’s Good Ol’ Fashioned Molasses”-levels of slowness to “Outright Fucking Tar” measures of suck.
Thank you for your time, and I hope you get that Grammar Book in time for Christmas!!
November 9th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
“A doctor telling two young children they had cancer is funnier that Kristin Wiig”
Which part of the above situation isn’t hilarious? Especially if it’s lung cancer because they hang out with a chain-smoking orangutan. Yeah, I’d watch that sitcom.
November 9th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
“She makes Joe Piscopo look like fucking Richard Pryor. ”
I get your point,…. BUT, God Almighty couldn’t make Joe Piscopo look like Richard Pryor.
Richard Pryor was, quite possibly, the funniest human to walk this earth. Damn, imagine what fun he would have had with Obama.
If any of you have never heard or seen Pryor’s stand up, do yourselves a favor and watch or listen to some. The whole bit where his crack pipe was talking to him is priceless. Thirty years later his shit still stands up
Eddie Murphy, Whoopie Goldberg( yes believe it or not she was actually funny at one time) , Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle,
Katt Williams and countless others, owe their very comedic existence to him.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Howcome you guys never know your own, motherfucking, language and grammar?
“I can relate and connect on a level that you’re average John Q. NotFamousOnTheInternet can’t.”
It’s completely different to write “you are” (you’re) than “your” (your), which also have two different meanings. I’m not a native speaker, nor even a native writer, but I’m so pissed off, when it comes to such stupid errors. For me, I could never write “you’re” instead of “your”, since they are two different things and anyone with brains should be able to tell the difference, when writing something to be published. Howcome you guys are always so fucking stupid? Is it too much weed and sleeping through the English classes? Fuck. You guys should know better…
November 9th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Why is it always them DOB…WHY!!!
November 9th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Yes!
MMMM yes!
November 9th, 2008 at 1:53 am
Kristin Wiig sucks ass. She is a black hole of comedy. She makes Joe Piscopo look like fucking Richard Pryor. A doctor telling two young children they had cancer is funnier that Kristin Wiig.
November 9th, 2008 at 1:49 am
Incidentally, lately on SNL, Kristen has been doing sketches where she’s more annoying than funny. But in her first season or so, she was a heckuva lot funnier. I think she’s just not had a good run of late. Also, people like her cuz she’s as close to being hot as an SNL woman gets.
November 9th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Dear Daniel,
November 8th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
WOOP!
November 8th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
I would like to attest to Dan’s skills as a lover, Kristen. He’s everything you dreamed of and more in the sack.
Also, the thing with the knots is totally true. It’s weird. It’s like he was granted a random superpower except for getting something awesome like flight or super strength, he got knots.
November 8th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
DOB is a generous lover
November 8th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Swuk swuk swuk!
OH LAWDY!!
November 8th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Alfred, aren’t you supposed to be posting on the MAD blog?
November 8th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I totally fucked Kristen Wiig. She was pretty good.
November 8th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
seriously Kristen Wiig?
She’s like the anti funny girl.
She’s more like the popular girl that all other popular people think is funny because she does ‘kooky’ characters that aren’t really ‘kooky’ or funny in any way whatsoever; it’s just that the other dumbasses wouldn’t know funny if they found a ‘1001 funny jokes’ book,read it, went to a lab to study said humor for ten years in a underground bunker with records,old movies and books by Bob Hope, Bill Cosby, Gilda Radner,Steve Martin,Jack Benny as their only social interaction and then met back with said friends and upon study of said humor, told a bad chicken across the road joke and not get a laugh.
November 8th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
She has a ridiculous last name. O’Brien has a much better ring to it.
November 8th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Why in the fuck is this unfunny bitch so damn popular? It’s Jimmy Fallon all over again-you all love her now, but within two seasons, everyone will be sick of her and start despising her. It’ll happen, mark my words.
November 8th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
i am in fucking hell.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I see, as soon as the election is over, you diss Palin and fall in love with a new girl. You’re a power hungry whore DOB.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Kristen Wiig make me stroke my “plunger”
November 8th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Yo man, I hear ya wanna get married to Kristen, ya? I’m her fiancee, so you have two options:
FUCK OFF
or
IT’s GONNA COST YA!
MMMkay?
November 8th, 2008 at 11:42 am
I am Kristen Wiig!
Get it?!
November 8th, 2008 at 11:20 am
DOB…she’ll be there and she’ll be wearing her cape as well..
November 8th, 2008 at 11:03 am
DOB should just wite all the cracked articles.
kthxbai
November 8th, 2008 at 10:29 am
You are the world’s biggest chump.
November 8th, 2008 at 9:17 am
“can do more sit-ups than there are numbers.” You never fail to impress.
Careful though, you’re becoming a serial proposer.
November 8th, 2008 at 8:37 am
“Like most people, I stopped watching SNL once Horatio Sans left”
Funniest thing I’ve read in a while.
November 8th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Oh, I see DOB. Good cover! Now no one will know about us. You are smart and that is why I love you and your deep dicking.
November 8th, 2008 at 7:14 am
no.
thanxkbai
November 8th, 2008 at 3:53 am
i fucked swaim
November 8th, 2008 at 3:14 am
Hello Daniel,
This is not Kristin Wiig.
November 8th, 2008 at 2:26 am
hello daniel,
this is kristin and i was willing to take in to consideration your proposal
first u will have to come visit me were i live an take me to dinner
second i want two kids
November 8th, 2008 at 1:33 am
This is the first time I’ve ever avoided doing my work by reading through all these comments. I can’t believe you guys go through these every week looking for the…good(?) ones without killing yourselves. Kudos.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:28 am
i know arbc
November 8th, 2008 at 1:04 am
For somebody that wants to marry Kristen Wiig, you sure talked a lot about dicks and nuts and balls.
November 8th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Dammit! I wanted to propose to Kristen Wiig!
November 8th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Of course we are CamboD, my band has already been hired to play at the reception.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Can you have the wedding in International Waters? Those weddings are always so much more fun.
Also are cracked readers invited to the wedding night? They better be.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
holy crap DOB i happen to be phenominal at making knots
perhaps you would like to meet up overa coffee and some tennis shoe strings and tangled earphones?
November 7th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
I’m telling Anne Hathway.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I entire vagina exploded at the thought of DOB untying knots.
November 7th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
OK, first DOB is not in love with me. Second, who the fuck is Kristen Wiig, and does classybroad return her affections?
The waves of jealousy are threatening to engulf me.
No.
Wait.
That’s the whiskey kicking in…
November 7th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
DOB likes women who can… talk?
November 7th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Yeah, probably.
November 7th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Hey, DOB. I bet I could make a knot you can’t unknot.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
I look freakishly similar to Kristen Wiig. In fact, I look EXACTLY LIKE HER, except for eye color. And I have bigger boobs. If I get lazer surgery to change the color of my irises, will you marry me instead?
November 7th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
DOB I’m surprised that you didn’t connect the joke of being good with knots to being good at, you know, tying the knot?
Unless that was an implied joke.
November 7th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
…Uh, okay. I didn’t say I was deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown. I said I was a deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown, due to my smarts and resourcefulness, (as well as my special abilities [re: the deep-dicking]).
You have to read all the words.
November 7th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Daniel!! You promised me you would never mention the “deep-dicking”! You bastard!!
*limp wristed slap*
When will I see you again? I have another “mystery” I need to to “explore”!
See “Shana” you are not the only one with the “quotes”!
November 7th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
You ain’t gettin any of this either, dude!
November 7th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
You may have my daughter only if I get to be involved in the honeymoon escapades.
November 7th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
I didn’t think that “list” link was going to lead anywhere. I’m not sure how to phrase this so I’ll just say, “I give you mad props dawg, I found that to be humorous”.
“I like using quotations” I also like “using” them on “words” to give them unneeded and “inappropriate” “emphasis”.
Great list by the way.
November 7th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I put the wrong address down for my lover.
http://www.cracked.com/members/classybroad
November 7th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I am sorry to break it to you DOB, but I am gay. My heart belongs to Classybroad. http://www.cracked.com/classybroad
November 7th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
yah dude you aint gettin any of this
November 7th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Also, it’s so obvious but I feel compelled to tell every commenter named Kristen Wiig or Kristen Wiig’s *whatever* can suck it. you’re less original than my first comment.
*and I wasn’t even trying*
November 7th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Kristen Wiig as Pam from the Office? yeah, I stopped that video right when Pam gave the camera that side-long glance because I had to mop up the MASSIVE MESS IN MY PANTS!
November 7th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Congrats, Daniel!
November 7th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I grant you permission to date my daughter.
You have proved to be an honest young man.
November 7th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
My wife and I both want to marry Kristen Wiig. Is that weird?
November 7th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I hate babies too.
Wiigmania steamroller taking internets by storm.
November 7th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Oh DOB, you loveable sexual predator you!
November 7th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I will so totally marry you, Daniel, my love. It was the knot expertise that pushed it over the edge. Now I’m a weak-kneed, DOB loving, sex craving mess. I can barely wait until Sunday.
Although I feel I should inform you that I might look a little different than you expect.
November 7th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I do! I do! I love you with all my heart baby!
November 7th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Awesome post, DOB. As ever.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Dan, I love you.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
no
November 7th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
This is one of the funniest things that has been on the site in ages; and my favourite after the Labour Day post.
Best. Writer. Ever.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
“deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown”….. I could have gone all day without knowing that…..thanks…..
But, I would stand for you at your wedding as your best man, DOB. Can anyone say “sloppy seconds”?
November 7th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Hell with Kristen! Want to marry me instead? I’d certainly let her join in once in a while….
November 7th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Ohhh one of the many reasons I wish I was Kristen Wiig.
[swoon]
November 7th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I’m with ya, DOB. I’m with ya more than you could possibly want.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Awwww, how sweet! If she says no I have some rope and duct tape in the back of my car to kidnap her with.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Richard is clearly a total dick.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Bucholz, I have two problems with what you just said.
1) I didn’t “masturbate in to” that vacuum cleaner. We made love.
2) “Used to” implies that I’ve stopped, and we both know that’s not the case.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
DOB, thank you for showing that romance is not dead. When I read that your quote “dick’s brain exploded,” I got a little choked up. Chivalry, thy name is DOB. But this article did leave me wondering one thing…
What activities are you referring to when you say that you are often caught up in an erotic, nude whirlwind with corndogs?
November 7th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I think this is all a ploy to get in a 3 way with tina fey as palin and kristen wiig as lynne chenney.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Awesome Dan.
And for anyone keeping score at home, DOB has now used this blog to propose to three separate women, plus a vacuum cleaner he used to masturbate in to.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
She is surprisingly hot! I like your comment about their office knock off too!! I said knock off!!
November 7th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Who the hell is Kristen Wiig??
November 7th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Oh man, a cape? That’s classy. I usually get mine from Gentlemanly Attire for the Modern Man in Virginia. I can’t wait to see how awesome yours is on Sunday.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
No.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Kristen Wiig is the worst. She’s only been one character ever and she just calls it different things every time. Get a life you hopeless bastard.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
yeah, i already married her, so yeah… i AM kristen wiig…. so…. i gave birth to 4 baby cows, this morning, so…. my bathtub is the ocean, so….. yeah, not that im bragging but yeah. so…. um…
November 7th, 2008 at 11:49 am
You’re an idiot. Kill yourself immediately. She’s horrible which makes you horrible for spending so much time on this delusional rant. Hell of a job, dude. Hell of a job…..
November 7th, 2008 at 11:35 am
So are you guys registered somewhere? I’ll be happy to buy a gift, but only if it’s something classy like a cappucino maker or hand towels. I’m not buying you a damn Xbox.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I roll around in the leaves naked about twice a day.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Who is this kristen wigg woman?
P.s. I am naff at knots, now I feel all de-masculated : (
November 7th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Kristen Wiig is the reason to watch SNL… besides Andy Samberg (who shows up like twice during the whole hour-and-a-half show).
I’m going to mail her a letter of proposal for marriage. The chances of her reading my letter is greater than her finding this article. BOO-YAH, Maddox–I mean, DOB!
November 7th, 2008 at 10:36 am
yeah, she would make a great beard, you fag
November 7th, 2008 at 10:27 am
You can have Kristen Wiig; I want Jennifer Tilly. I would bang her like a screen door in a hurricane.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:25 am
who?
November 7th, 2008 at 10:20 am
http://benjoseph.org/post/53882819/dear-kristen-wiig
I saw her first, you Irish bastard.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:18 am
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I haven’t read this yet, but back off, she’s mine.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:04 am
just a cover for your gayness
November 7th, 2008 at 9:56 am
That was the best thing I’ve ever read. You’re hilarious.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:42 am
And to think that I imagined that I had a chance for you, Dan, once Palin was gone from the headlines… You’ve broken my heart once again.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Kristen Wiig characters consistently makes me pee a little from laughing. So I guess what I’m saying is, Kristen Wiig owes me some new underwear.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Who’s Kristen Wigg?
November 7th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Best of luck, DOB. Every girl dreams of a Cracked-style list proposal…and I’m working on something similar for Will Forte.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:12 am
Now, if only real men wrote things like this to their real girlfriends.
…oh, wait.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Ae! DOB! Fuck you.. no wait.. I’d rather go fuck Kristen, cya!
November 7th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I tried writing to Kristen at the SNL building but she never replied,but i wish she’d marry me too
November 7th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Detour98: “You trying to marry too much man.”
He want to marry too much woman. Unless I missed something.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:00 am
I’ll get my wedding hat!!
It’s not expensive though. I got it from Walmart under “imaginary internet-based dream weddings”. Man, that shop has everything!
Yeah but seriously, who the hell is Kristen Wiig? Why two ‘i’s?
Insert particulary bad joke here.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:59 am
DOB is the Smoove B with perfect abs. Well done, DOB! Congrats on the wedding!
November 7th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Your skill with knots is no match for mine.
I challenge you to a Knot-Off!
November 7th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Orgasm-inducing-shoulder-massages? Hmm…
November 7th, 2008 at 8:50 am
SHE’S MINE I SAW HER FIRST!
GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF HER DOB!
November 7th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I will marry you.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Yes, see you Sunday
November 7th, 2008 at 8:29 am
You trying to marry too much man. Marriage sucks!
Great Post!
November 7th, 2008 at 8:29 am
DOB, How many wonen have you proposed to now?
November 7th, 2008 at 8:25 am
you’re awesome man
November 7th, 2008 at 7:26 am
How any woman could NOT answer yes after this is beyond me.
Oh by the way, your link to that Campus Free Press interview reminded me, I read your Bartender book a while back, but didn’t comment on it. Thought it was awesome, by the way. Any plans in the future for more of that type of writing (novels etc) outside of Cracked?
November 7th, 2008 at 7:02 am
DOB, you make me laugh!