Dear Kristen Wiig,
Enough games. Let's stop playing around, avoiding the issue and hiding behind our various defense mechanisms. I'm taking down the walls, Kristen Wiig, and lowering the mask. I'm putting all of my cards on the table. Just look at all those sexy cards.
Will you marry me?
I know. You're shocked. I'm a little shocked, too. I mean, I never expected us to fall in love. I assumed I'd stay a notorious internet bachelor for the rest of my days, spending my time caught up in an erotic, naked whirlwind of supermodels and corndogs. That was before you, Kristen Wiig. When you were just in TV and Movies, I thought, you were off limits. But then you stepped onto the my turf, (the internet), with your delightful new web series, and I can only assume it's because you wanted to be closer to me. All you had to do was ask, Kristen.
Like most people, I stopped watching SNL once Horatio Sans left, but thank God I decided to check it out again on a whim. If I didn't, I'd have missed you, Kristen Wiig, and I think we both know just how devastating that would've been. Between your hilarious, all-too-real SNL characters, your scene-stealing performances in a lot of recent hit movies, and your frequent award-winning appearances in my dreams, I've fallen nuts-over-balls in love with you, Kristen Wiig, and I don't think it's presumptuous of me to say that the feeling is mutual.
So come on. Let's stop wasting time. Let's quit dickin' around like a couple of dicks, and let's get married. For real.
Why should we get married? Great friggin' question. If I was a poet, I'd construct a sonnet detailing the reasons why. As it stands, I write for Cracked.
So I made a list.
On Things We Have in Common:
We have so much in common, Kristen Wiig, that it would be irresponsible of us not to get married. We're both moderately famous superstars, for one thing. You're a busy actress doing interviews in Entertainment Weekly, and I'm an influential and respected internet humorist, doing interviews in the October 2008 issue of the Campus Free Press. (The Campus Free Press is like Time Magazine, but for the internet.) I know the ups and downs of fame, Kristen Wiig. I can relate and connect on a level that you're average John Q. NotFamousOnTheInternet can't.
Plus, we both like stealing. In an interview with David Letterman, you said that you moved out to LA after college and, because you didn't know the area, you illegally ripped out a map of LA from a phonebook, so you could get around. I also moved to LA right after I graduated and stole a bunch of things, (a colander from Target, 6 DVDs from Hollywood Video, and one cat from my neighbor), within a week of living here! Look at us. A couple of lawless pilgrims, we are. *
Oh, also, you like to get naked and roll around in leaves, apparently.
I do this in my backyard on a fairly regular basis. Consider this your formal invitation to join me.
On My Qualifications:
Kristen Wiig I would be such a great freakin' husband to you it's not even funny. When you get home from work, I'll listen diligently while you talk about your day. You want to vent about your coworkers? I'm here for you, baby. You want to tell a pointless, meandering story about an experience you had purchasing shoes? I find it very interesting, and I look forward to hearing more about it. Is there an attractive woman at work who makes you feel insecure? You're much prettier than she is, plus I'll tell everyone that she used to have a wiener. Did you have a hard day? Are you exhausted? There's a list of things that my hands were made to do, Kristen Wiig, and orgasm-inducing-shoulder-massages is right at the top.
Wanna exercise together? I run every day, once beat up Kimbo Slice, and can do more sit-ups than there are numbers. If the incredible physical specimen that is my body isn't of interest to you, you should also know that I'm extremely well read. I've been reading and studying forever and I apply the knowledge I've gained in my everyday life to solve problems and resolve conflicts. I'm like a deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown, Kristen, I swear to God.
Also, Kristen Wiig, I'm really good with knots. Hell, I won't undersell myself on this point: I am great with knots, Kristen Wiig. Legendary. So if you've got, like, fishing line or yarn or ribbon or something that's all tangled and knotty, I guarantee you I'll be able to straighten it all out for you. I know how frustrating tricky knots can be, but I have the patience, know-how and focus that the untying of a complex knot requires.
I'm not trying to be funny. There's no double meaning and I'm not trying to imply anything sexual, here. I'm just naturally, freakishly gifted when it comes to knots, I always have been, and I thought you should know. Above average knot-skill is just another quality I bring to the table. Just got home from work and you're annoyed because the laces of your running shoes got tangled up in your gym bag? You just leave that to me, sweetie. Daniel will take care of it; you go ahead and take a nice bath, I already started running the water for you. And here, I poured you a glass of wine. Relax. You earned it.
And by the time you get out of your bubble bath, the knots will be gone, thanks to my remarkably skilled hands!
This could be our wedding cake topper.
On My Experience:
When I was like 14 or so I dated this chick named Caryn who was a lot like you in both behavior and appearance. I'm not trying to make you jealous or anything, I'm just saying that I'm already fairly well versed in dating someone that is sort of like you, so getting married to someone who is you should be a pretty seamless transition. Plenty of guys probably want to marry you, but I'd wager that I'm one of the few who has actual relevant experience on his resume'.
When Kristen dressed up as Pam, my dick's brain exploded.
Oh, and one other thing, just some ground rules. I am totally and uncompromisingly against having children, no matter what. I think babies are stupid, there are already too many people in the world, and I hate pregnant women, so I will never want to have children.
Unless, of course, you want children, in which case I'll pump you so full of kids you won't know whether to build a crib or a warehouse, Kristen Wiig.
So there it is, Kristen Wiig. You can leave your response in the comments below, or you can email me or you can just meet me at our wedding, this Sunday, (I think that'll be best).
I invited all the Cracked readers, I hope that's cool. Also I'll be wearing a cape.
Hugs and Kisses, Stars and Wishes,
* You also mentioned in that interview that you have a boyfriend. I'm choosing to ignore that, but only because I'm pretty sure you want me to.