Due to events far too complex too go into, I've had a Wii and full library of games at my house for some months, something I wouldn't normally be able to afford. And it's been pleasant. There's a minigame in Mario Party where you shake a can of soda, and playing it is exactly like the very end of masturbating. I'm good at that one. Also soccer.
But this Wii Fit shit has officially crossed the line. Not just because playing it makes you look retarded; I played Dance Dance Revolution and collected pogs (and made my own pogs), so I cant really take the high ground there. The thing about Wii Fit that I cant stand is that its depriving a whole generation of kids a classic rite of passage: ogling the women in workout tapes.
Personally, I work out with The Firm. I said it, and Ill say it again: The Firm.
Traditionally a womans exercise tape, but god damn it, I wouldnt change my morning workout routine for all the tampons in China.
I dont care if Johnny Lee makes it so Wii Fit implants memories of kicking ass with Van Damme into my brain while lasers sculpt my musculature into that of a Greek God. I will still work out with The Firm: Upper Body and Standing Legs and The Firm: 5-Day Abs and Tough Tape II (It really is quite tough).
First of all, its cheaper; for the price of Wii Fit (90 dollars), I can get like sixty Firm tapes at the swap meet and still have enough left over for their patented fanny lifter. Sure, its just an overpriced step ladder, but so is the Wii Fit controller, so fuck you.
Secondly, if Nintendos track record of family-friendly entertainment is any indication, Wii Fit will not allow me to work out with a semi developing in my short shorts, and, frankly, thats one of the only things that gets me through the workout in the first place. Let me put it this way; heres a screenshot from Wii Fit:
And a photograph I keep in my wallet of the TV screen about halfway through The Firm:
And dont tell me that shits not intentional. They had to break out a ladder to get that shot. And although I cant fully convey the wonder of all-synth workout music to you through words, suffice to say The Firms soundtrack was written entirely by 80s porn composers who converted to Mormonism.
Theres a synth version of Mamas Little Baby Loves Shortenin they play while the womans doing lungessometimes I have to put a tarp down.
So kids, please, get fit. But do it the old fashioned way: while ogling women and lifting 3 to 5 pounds. Leave your workout routines to the Japanese, and you might not like what you get.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael eschews Tae Bo as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!