Due to events far too complex too go into, I’ve had a Wii and full library of games at my house for some months, something I wouldn’t normally be able to afford. And it’s been pleasant. There’s a minigame in Mario Party where you shake a can of soda, and playing it is exactly like the very end of masturbating. I’m good at that one. Also soccer.
But this Wii Fit shit has officially crossed the line. Not just because playing it makes you look retarded; I played Dance Dance Revolution and collected pogs (and made my own pogs), so I can’t really take the high ground there. The thing about Wii Fit that I can’t stand is that it’s depriving a whole generation of kids a classic rite of passage: ogling the women in workout tapes.
Personally, I work out with The Firm. I said it, and I’ll say it again: The Firm.
Traditionally a woman’s exercise tape, but god damn it, I wouldn’t change my morning workout routine for all the tampons in China.
I don’t care if Johnny Lee makes it so Wii Fit implants memories of kicking ass with Van Damme into my brain while lasers sculpt my musculature into that of a Greek God. I will still work out with The Firm: Upper Body and Standing Legs and The Firm: 5-Day Abs and Tough Tape II (It really is quite tough).
First of all, it’s cheaper; for the price of Wii Fit (90 dollars), I can get like sixty Firm tapes at the swap meet and still have enough left over for their patented fanny lifter. Sure, it’s just an overpriced step ladder, but so is the Wii Fit controller, so fuck you.
Secondly, if Nintendo’s track record of family-friendly entertainment is any indication, Wii Fit will not allow me to work out with a semi developing in my short shorts, and, frankly, that’s one of the only things that gets me through the workout in the first place. Let me put it this way; here’s a screenshot from Wii Fit:
And a photograph I keep in my wallet of the TV screen about halfway through The Firm:
And don’t tell me that shit’s not intentional. They had to break out a ladder to get that shot. And although I can’t fully convey the wonder of all-synth workout music to you through words, suffice to say The Firm’s soundtrack was written entirely by 80’s porn composers who converted to Mormonism.
There’s a synth version of “Mama’s Little Baby Loves Shortenin’” they play while the woman’s doing lunges…sometimes I have to put a tarp down.
So kids, please, get fit. But do it the old fashioned way: while ogling women and lifting 3 to 5 pounds. Leave your workout routines to the Japanese, and you might not like what you get.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael eschews Tae Bo as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
October 13th, 2008 at 4:42 am
dancing poodles will haunt my dreams
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May 31st, 2008 at 1:49 pm
wow I was really hoping Id never see that poodle fitness video again
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April 24th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I’m proving you wrong when I get my WiiFit.
It will be sexy!
April 21st, 2008 at 8:47 pm
dude, Shit rhymes with Fit
April 20th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Really?
It’s too hard to come up with a rude comment that rhymes with fit?
How about “I hate Wii Fit…they can shove it?”
See that? I can write for Cracked!
April 20th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Did you see the picture of the japanese woman when she was fat? Maybe they actually put implants in her arms and legs to give her extra skin (fat wings) a more attractive shape than simply hanging limp. Round body parts are attractive right?
April 20th, 2008 at 8:25 am
If the bowl hair cuts over in Japan had put more time into training lizards, and not dogs, then they never would have had Godzilla control issues.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
It’s the only logical explanation, kingmonkey. I knew there was a reason they still let you post here!
April 18th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I think the most reasonable explanation is that they killed a dozen or so poodles just to put their heads on costumes to be worn by tiny-headed Japanese aerobicizers.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
OMFG what was that? I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep for days now. Horrible
April 18th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Well, what about those genetically enhanced dog/fitness instructors what’s up with them and why does one of them have a hard on, Huh?
April 18th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Can anyone else verify for me that the dog heads were put on in post with computers? Yes? I mean, that’s the only thing that makes sense right? The Japanese couldn’t be cloning an army of well-exercised poodle men, could they? COULD THEY?!
April 18th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
That’s an acceptable reason for you? I don’t think there’s a single explanation for that woman I could hear that would make me say “Oh, thank God”.. I’m just sayin
April 18th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Oh, thank god! I just did some research on the freaky poodle-woman. It’s a body suit she’s wearing to give her the appearance of poodle balls on her arms and legs.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:43 am
When I made my own pogs, I took my old Marvel cards and made straight-cleavage or crotch shots. People didn’t really like playing pogs with me…
I kinda still wish I had my old Marvel cards…
April 18th, 2008 at 10:26 am
I didn’t know there were many Jewish bees out there, but apparently you’re raging homosexuality, when combined with a bee fetish produces some kind of powerful gay-Jew-bee radar.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I have 80 pogs and slammer. I even have christian pogs for the love of Zeus! ever tried playing pogs on a school bus? FAIL. For the gay record, I still have my trapper keeper.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:39 am
I don’t even know where to begin… Thinking too much about this post and the subsequent comments could cause a series of violent aneurysms, and that’s just not a good way to start the weekend.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:37 am
OMG!!!! I totally had the badass yinyang slammer too!!! Well, who am I kidding, I still have all 412 of my pogs. Ahh the good ol’ days.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:17 am
This topic is super cool. But always not as fun as meeting hot new Pog sinlges at Pog Dating site PogMatch.com, bring your slammer!
April 18th, 2008 at 8:26 am
I almost felt relief when I realized I’m not the only one who played/remembers pogs, and I still have mine, in their funky orange carrying case complete with a BADASS yinyang metal slammer…but then I realized it’s youse guys, and now I’m concerned for my mental health.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:04 am
wow… what the hell?
April 18th, 2008 at 7:38 am
glendoor42, you’ve got it wrong. I wore the moose costume, Mrs.glendoor42 wore the RCMP uniform. Then we would play Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:56 am
Words that rhyme with “fit”?
How about “git”
April 18th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Why have a dick when you can have some tit, you bit(ch). I am indeed a plethora of rhyme and rhythm.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:42 am
I’m pretty sure “dick” rhymes with “fit” so there’s that.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Because “git” is totally not classy enough to be insulting, you American pig.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:20 am
The Japanese are a very disturbed people.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:15 am
The blog comment section has really gone downhill
April 18th, 2008 at 2:33 am
Sounds fun! Pogs are fun too? That’s what I’ve heard on Pog dating site PogMatch.com, where Pog collecters meet for talk and meets fun.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:29 am
What and talk about fucking Pogs?
April 18th, 2008 at 12:55 am
It is a hot topic on my current dating site ‘ RichMatchMaking. com ‘ where lots of wealthy singles and beauties show up everyday.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Hey pog buddy, my pogs were of Jay Sherman saying “It Stinks!” What were your pogs of?
April 18th, 2008 at 12:13 am
More like tommyLAMEass, lulz amirite?
Or maybe tommyadolf ass. You got a problem with semite meat, boy?
April 18th, 2008 at 12:08 am
I… I’m frightened.
Are those…. bicep thingies… supposed to be muscles? It looks more like aliens abducted her and implanted waterwings beneath her skin. *shivers*
Also, I thought that the purpose of wearing fake muscles is to trick people into thinking you’re buff. Those bulbous monstrosities are fooling no one. NO ONE.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
That’s a lie!!!!! you don’t get honey from bees!!! that’s what THEY want you to believe!!!
also, PATRICK ROY, are you a pokemon or something?
April 17th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
You can’t milk honey. That’s not how honey is harvested.
It’s with bees. You get honey from bees.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
@ kingmonkey+1 yes and now that Mrs glendoor42 is back home she says stop wearing her underwear and please send it back. She said if you send it back she will send the moose costume you made her wear back to you.
@ Gladstone Yeah, I got your back, But I don’t know what our cool crimefighting name would be, Mace and Milkbone perhaps?
@ JT you can have eight of the dogs , the puppies, for $300 dollars a piece. What you do with them is your business.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
One of those dogs has a fucking boner at with about thirty seconds left. I also made my own pogs. Also, O’Brien loves to milk the sweet sweet honey of semite cock.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
PATRICK ROY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 17th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Well if Kingmonkey is sleeping with Glendoor’s wife, I call dibs on his 12 dogs. I always wanted a harem.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
You’re worried, Gladstone? I’m sleeping with glendoor42’s wife for fuck sake!
April 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Does anyone remember OZ style Aerobics? I swear to god I used to get up at six every morning to watch that show. I didn’t even do any excercise.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I want to roll with a blogger too. But the first name that came to mind when I thought ‘blogger’ was Joe Mathlete, and I get the impression he’s a fat, indifferent slob. (whereas cracked’s bloggers are always making sexy time and synthersizing.)
April 17th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
My first dog was named Pog. A miniature Schnauzer. My sister named him and for several years after 1994 tried to tell people that it was spelled “Pawg”. But no. He was the Pog, and he was the best. Rest in peace, little buddy.
For real though. He was actually named Pog.
April 17th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Glendoor is from Alabama, has 12 dogs, served in the military, chain smokes, and was on edge due to withdrawal from pain pills for a legitimate injury.
Wow. I really picked the right guy to piss off with that Baby Grace post 6 months ago!
On the other hand. Glendoor and I have got each other’s backs now so watch out! We’re like DOB and I used to be in the Mace and Machete days before he ran off to collect pogs with Swaim.
April 17th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
As an owner of four dogs, well 12 now, one of them had puppies and believe me I never thought I would utter such a redneck statement as I own 12 dogs, I’m amazed out how well those dogs are trained. Fucking Aerobics, Weight lifting, Jesus It’s all I can do to keep mine from shitting on the floor.
April 17th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Shit! I just watched the poddle woman. Now I’m even more confused.
April 17th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I….I don’t understand….what is it? Help me, please help me. The woman. I don’t understand….should I get turned on now?
April 17th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
*weeps softly at the sight of the poodle lady*
April 17th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I also made my own pogs! Pog Buddies! Pog Buddies, Swaim, that’s what we are!
April 17th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Dude, what the fuck is wrong with Japanese people?
April 17th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I haven’t been this horrified, confused, and horny since the first time I saw Labrynth.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Oh dear god, why did you have to remind me of the poodle workout? WHY???
April 17th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Finally!
Also, what IS that lady? A Japanese female popeye?? and dancing with dogs??? C’mon…
April 17th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
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