Cracked Columnists

Why You Shouldn't Judge the Guy in the Porno Theater

Where Are All the Apologies?

I don't seem to be apologizing much yet, do I? And indeed, so far, what is there to apologize for? How could you be upset about two young chinchillas in love, unless you're some kind of monster? (Although perhaps the role of pornographic theater proprietor requires being a monster. Tempting and then prohibiting self-gratification like that? Preventing tiny little miracles from happening every day?)

Well, here's an apology. I am sorry for all the groaning. They were not groans of pleasure, as you probably suspected when you observed me with my hands down my pants during a screening of Breasts 178. (Incidentally, I think you're failing a bit in your role as a curator of the pornographic arts.) Chinchillas have tiny little claws, and when they're excited, they make tiny little scratches, which, when made on a part of the body that shouldn't be scratched, leads to loud exclamations.

"Easy, fellas. You break it, you bought it."

Nevertheless, a movie theater is a place for being quiet, and even if my groaning was non-sexual and somewhat explainable, I disturbed your other customers, and am sorry for it. This sorriness also, sightly, is based on the fact that my evidently quite-distinctive crotch-pain groans attracted the attention of my chinchilla-buying pursuers.

The Gunplay Was Also Primarily My Fault

Keeping a loaded gun in your pants with two chinchillas is not recommended by many gun-carrying associations. Any of them, actually. I've started a Tumblr to share some of the tips I've learned doing exactly that, but that's about the extent of the available literature. Critically, few tips are available on how to properly draw a weapon from such a rig, and, pun slightly intended, the risk of accidental discharge is high.

Still, it did scare away my pursuers, so maybe I'm not sorry for it. I guess I'm kind of sorry about the stream of blood trickling down my pant leg that I tracked through your establishment, though I noticed that your carpet was kind of a blackish brown, so maybe that's not such a big deal. I imagine you have a bottle of Febreze or something around as well. So no harm, no foul?

Now that we're cool again, if you could check your Lost & Found for any frightened, probably hearing-impaired chinchillas, that'd be super nice of you. I should be mobile again in a couple days and will swing by to pick those up. Also falling out of my pants during my escape were some Cheerios (for the chinchillas), a short plastic Habitrail tube (for the chinchillas) and a different short plastic Habitrail tube (for my own personal use).

petplanet.co.uk

I won't tell you what it's for, but rest assured that it is disgusting.

Yours bow-leggedly,

Christopher Xerxes Bucholz

_______________________________________________________

Bucholz has gotten less terrified of human contact! Make him reconsider that by liking his Facepage or bothering him on Twitter!

For more from Bucholz, check out I Am Sorry About Sending You a Picture of My Penis and Greatest Note Ever Left On a Dented Car.

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