Why Spider-Man Is a Dick
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I think about Spider-man more than the average person. When I was 19, I wrote a thesis about why comics-readers will never truly find love as long as Mary Jane, (posited in the thesis as the ideal woman), exists in their consciousness. This wasn't for a college paper, or a website, or any publication anywhere; it was just a thing I did as an exercise for me. As a child, I used to eat spiders on the off chance that they were radioactive and on the even farther off chance that I'd gain spider powers via ingestion.1 I read the comics, (even after the universe-shattering, retconning disaster that was One Day More), I watched the cartoon show, (even the Peter Parker/Mary Jane wedding episode), and I saw every movie twice on opening weekend, (even the third one which was, objectively, a wet, hot shitpile).
Yeah, that's what the Green Goblin looked like, you guys nailed it.
That's what makes this all so difficult for me. Last week I decided to stay up all night re-watching the Spider-Man trilogy, re-reading some old comics, and working on my homemade web shooters2, as I do from time to time, when a troubling question occurred to me:
Is Spider-Man Bad for New York City?
You want to believe Spider-man's good for the city, and, for the sake of my own mental stability, I need to believe he is, and the knee-jerk reaction is that Spider-man's a Godsend. He does the work of ten police officers and, as a vigilante, does so at no cost to the state. All of the work he does stopping criminals means other police officers will be free to focus on additional tasks, which would, if not double, certainly improve the NYPD's productivity. Further, Spider-man's advanced skill and superhuman abilities put him at a serious advantage over even the best of the NYPD. The average response time to a 911 call in New York City is 10.8 minutes but, Spider Sense, lightning-quick reflexes and the ability to avoid all non-bird traffic puts Spider-man's response time closer to the 2-3 minute range.3.
Also check out his right hand. NYPD can't do that little move either.
Simple math tells us that's a vast improvement, but let's take a closer look at those numbers.
A Closer Look at Those Numbers
Ignoring his results for a minute, let's study Spider-man's methods and, specifically, the webbing that he squirts all over the city and what kind of problems that may cause.
[Author's Note: Dan, don't forget to include an Obligatory Web-as-Semen joke here, I'm sure you'll think of something.]
At first glance, you'd think the problem facing New York would be "Holy Shit that's a lot of web to clean up." Your thoughts would be with the poor janitors and window-washers who would now be forced to scrape webbing off of every building in New York City. But as devotees will quickly point out, that's not a problem, as Spider-man's web, thanks to certain imbibed esters, will conveniently dissolve into a powder after about two hours.
The problem isn't the amount of web, necessarily, it's the quality. It's about as strong as high-tensile steel, certainly strong enough that we, as non-spidermen, can't move it or tear it apart. Now what does this mean? Well, Spider-man doesn't actually put anyone behind bars, he just leaves them tied up, scattered around the city; police officers still need to physically round up these criminals.
So every time there's a bank robber, thug or gang member that gets caught in Spider-man's web, this means the New York Police Department needs to send out one but probably two police officers to show up, stand guard and wait up to two hours for the web to dissolve before carting the criminal off to jail. The alternative is no cops wait, and the criminals just quietly walk away when the web dissolves. The cops can't move the crook; they'll get stuck to the web if they try to budge it, and they can't cut it down, it's too strong. They just have to stand there and wait.
"Oh, for fuck's sake.""This is bullshit, he doesn't have to use this much. He doesn't."
We think that having Spidey around will free up some extra police officers, but if they have to show up to every single crime scene that he handles, New York is literally using the same amount of manpower to respond to emergencies as it did pre-Spider-man. And, of course, the original amount of manpower that NYPD required to keep crime down didn't factor in the additional superhero-specific crimes that naturally follow Spider-man wherever he goes, including but not limited to:
They will, understandably, need to make some special accommodations for all of the inevitable Spider-man-related crimes.
Response Time
That is, if they have time. Pre-Spider-Man response time is 10.8 minutes, and if all of New York's finest are wasting their time waiting two hours for webbing to dissolve at every single crime scene, that number will only grow. There are some crimes that the NYPD can't solve quickly, some criminals they can't catch, that's true. But with Spider-man on the case, every single thief they chase down comes with a two hour time-out period, guaranteed.
But manpower, while important, is by no means the full argument. We need also to ask if Spider-man is good for New York fiscally, or whatever.
Is Spider-man Good for New York Fiscally, or Whatever?
In a word, the damage spider-man would cause to the already cash-strapped NYPD is catastrophic. In several more words, according to the ABC, as it stands already, hundreds of city officers are leaving the NYPD every year for higher paying jobs because, even though New York City has the largest staff, it also has probably the worst pay, and its numbers are dwindling. In 1991, 159 officers left for nearby, better paying jobs and, in 2007, the number was 990. New York City police officers are tired, underpaid, overworked and surrounded by neighboring departments that pay officers as much as $15,000 a year more. The majority of them that do stay only stay because the NYPD has such a rich history; they appreciate the prestige of being associated with the force.
That prestige will lose its luster and the department will become less appealing if these officers have to add "Babysit milk-slime-covered criminals for two hours" to their list of responsibilities. No one signs up for the NYPD with that job in mind.4 Not to mention the fact that, in the eyes of the public, regular police officers look pretty lameass compared to Spider-man. It is not unreasonable to conclude that Spider-man's presence in New York would, at the very least, raise the amount of police officers who leave the NYPD by 10% a year, and that is a fairly conservative, if albeit, completely-made-up-and-based-on-nothing projection.
Additionally the city has to spend $25,000 to recruit and train a replacement for every seasoned office who leaves the NYPD. Further, we can't ignore that Spider-man is a vigilante. The NYPD has a special unit for everything; a Major Crimes Unit, a Mounted Unit, a Transit Bureau, a Scuba Team, an Aviation Unit- everything. You have to assume they'd create a special anti-Spider-man Task Force charged with bringing the web-slinger to justice, they wouldn't be doing their duty if they didn't. This means special training, more men, and highly advanced weaponry and body armor that can compete with Spider-man's superhuman abilities, what would probably be called the "Spider-man Task Force Unit" or something.5
It all costs money, money the NYPD doesn't have.
Conclusion
So, in conclusion, Spider-man's isn't freeing up manpower, he's wasting it, and he's not saving the city money, he's costing it more. 5 years after Spider-man's reign and New York will be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and with 1/3 of the police force they require.
Which means, as much as it breaks my heart to admit it, the lone voice of reason in the Spider-man universe is and always has been:
I'm so sorry, Spider-man.
1. This is half true. I was not a child.
2. As of this writing, it's still in the "crayon sketches on a napkin" stage of development.
3. Or something.
4. At least I certainly hope not.
5. I'd also like to politely request that commenters think about this unit if they're considering posting any long diatribes refuting the claims made in this article.
You, sir, are ruining my nerdy high school wish fulfillment.
ReplyId probably have to use my semen though
ReplyAlso, spider man is a dick because he is actually toby maguire (or however you spell his douchebag name). dont listen to these bunch of cumsocks, DOB. You are totally right. Spider man should be totally annihilated. I just need a costume, a really dumb backstory and a bunch of rotten smelling circle jerkers to defend me in your comments and i will have the power. what i mean, internet, is that i am stronger than spider man and could easily bully him. Specifically i would like to hold him down and fill his mouth with his own webbing. Or semen. Youre welcome, above cracked editor
ReplyReasons why Spiderman ISN'T a dick:
Reply1. He's a f*****g comic book character
2. Shut up
Also, for the webbing, in the early comics he's trying to sell some of it to some scientists and shows how one little strand holds up this heavy object, but then it snaps and Spiderman tells them that he made it to only last a little while. Saying that he can change how long the webbing last which wouldn't be 2 hours, that's his standard webbing, he could be carrying a case of minute webbing. Not to mention how he sometimes wraps his enemies in the webbing instead sticking them on a web
a few things:
Reply- response time is increased by 0 - 2 hrs depending on delay
- cops still have to fill in paperwork - that is unaffected
- more crimes = more budget = more cops = better for cop families
I still say spidey is better for Manhattan.
Spider man has the advantage over the police because while it may take 10 minutes to respond to a 911 call, how long does it take the police to catch the criminals? Often, days or never. Waiting two hours to unstick a guy who was caught in the act usually where the crime took place is a really sweet deal even if each police officer in the city had to wait for one every day. That also is not happening. Spiderman is only one man and even if he was aware of all crime happening in nyc at a given time and he's not he's limited to where he can get to, and how fast he can resolve the situation. At most he's 'wasting' the time of about one stations worth of policemen in nyc a day. I'm fairly sure that for a policeman cleaning up after spidey is a rare event. And also considering the fact that spiderman sightings are rare and he can do so very little about most common crimes (less when there's a supervillain around) a woman who's been saved from a rape/mugging by a patrolling policeman instead of spiderman will develop more hero worship for said policeman than spidey himself. Getting saved by spiderman is like winning the lottery only no one plays willingly and the consolation prize (the policeman rescue) is still pretty damn fantastic. Besides the police may not have signed on to clean up after spiderman but I doubt they signed on to fight doctor octopus either. They went to the police academy, they didn't try for the navy seals.
ReplyAs for the task force to catch spider man, who says it wouldn't be half assed and underfunded? they don't really want to catch spider man as he saves them alot of greif and vigilante though he may be he's usually just performing a really friggin awesome citizens arrest, which is perfectly legal. It's not like he's the Punisher. But as I was saying who says it would cost the city more than a regular division and since you assume there are too few police officers anyways, the salaries of the drop outs probably would more than cover the token 'yes we're doing something' unwanted division dedicated to stopping spiderman. If you don't think the police have taken that approach before you know nothing about pre (and sometimes post) integration southern law enforcement.
If Peter Parker hadn't been bitten by a radioactive spider and turned into a mutant, I'm pretty sure that the crime rate in NYC would be higher than with him around (by crime rate i mean unsolved crimes, muggers/rapists/murderers getting away with whatever they are doing rather than crimes in action overall). Sure, now you have the Green Goblin and Radiation Abuse and everything else mentioned above but they're getting resolved by Spider-Man AS WELL as the other petty crimes.
ReplyIf it wasn't for him, more people would be getting killed and all the rest. Now, all the police have to f**king do is continue as normal but take a half hour out to go and catch the criminals left lingering in webs because, hey, they do not have to actually wait for two hours while the web dissolves, they could find out precisely where the webs are and go there half an hour before the web is thought to dissolve.
Interesting how in the table of pre and post Spiderman crimes, DOB lists "forcible rape." Y'know, as opposed to the "mutual consent rape" which is slightly less rampant, I guess.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIt's true. I have only been forcibly raped once, but I have been a victim of mutual consent rape on countless occasions... though admittedly the victim and the criminal in pretty much all of those instances are technically the same person.
Mutual consent rape would probably be both parties consenting, but one is underage so still legally rape I guess.
There's statutory rape, where the victim is below age of consent.
There are other types of sexual assault as well, like when the victim technically gives consent but is forced somehow to do so - "have sex with me or lose your job" is rape.
Your question is as smart as "why are black boxes orange"
First off, the officers don't have to wait around for two hours while the webbing wears off; they just need to be there at the end, and given the consistent length of time the webs last, this is fairly reasonable, as long as the cops can find out when the webs were strung. Maybe Spider-man should put little time stamps on all his captures.
ReplyAdditionally, if Spidey stops a murder/rape/robbery in progress, the victim has a chance to get away. Even if the victim isn't ultimately arrested, he's still helping the citizenry.
The supervillian problem is a bit more interesting. From the readers/viewers perspective, it's clear that the supervillians are there so spiderman will have someone to fight. Even in universe, that's sometimes true (e.g. the Scorpion), but most of the other supervillians show up for unrelated reasons (e.g. the Vulture, Electro). Additionally, he's helped shut down organized crime (at least in the TV shows; I haven't read enough of the comics to be sure about this there) that NYPD has been fighting unsuccessfully.
The web problem is moot because most of the time the webs would remain horizontal to the point the web impacted. Its like taping twine to the wall. Very few times does Spider-man form web with two points of impact.
ReplyFrom your reviews on super-hero movies. I'm going to say you don't like super-heroes, super-hero movies, or comics in general.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAre you kidding me? DOB is the last person to hate superheroes. The guy regularly hints at how he's Spiderman's secret identity. He wears a spidey costume to sex parties, he loves superheroes that much.
Also, did you not read the first paragraph or so?
I hope you are hanging your head in shame right now.
Please self terminate.
Really this is a problem with many superheroes, Spider-Man especially. Why doesn't Spidey just get a job with the NYPD or the military or a private contractor? He could be Spider-Man and get paid for it, without worrying about where his next paycheck is coming from or the stigma associated with being a vigilante. He's a one-man SWAT team. They could call him up when there's a hostage situation, he could sneak in, tie up the criminals, and then the rest of the force cleans up after. And if a job got too heavy for him, he'd be able to call for backup.
ReplyBut I guess that wouldn't be as fun.
Its not as fun as having some cop sell his ID to some of the completely f'ed up physcho's he deals with on an almost daily basis so that they could be at his home having them some unarthorized Mary Jane and/or Aunt May tail while he's at work.
@139pi - he wouldn't have to give up his secret idendity. He just works for the government now.
@CrunchyRay - Unfortunately this is what happened in The Incredibles, and no doubt Spiderman would cost the government billions in lawsuits. Even if he won every case against him, the government would still lose money by having to pay the legal fees.
this article is F@%$ing brilliant!
ReplyWhat's the alternative? Let all the criminals do whatever the f**k they want?
ReplyI'm sure New York would be willing to shell out more money in exchange for, I don't know... not getting robbed/raped/mugged/killed as much.
The alternative is police officers do it. As it is, the crime rate is escalating because the officers are stuck waiting for webbing to dissolve. Spider man may be able to move fast, but he can't be at two different crime scenes at once.
Unfortunately, criminals don't take turns :-)
@ThePedant
But new york needs spiderman because there's no one else who handles guys like the rhino on a regular basis. The avengers? Fantastic four? Sorry, they won't be in this dimension at that time.
People often draw guns on Spider-Man and he webs them to their hands with gobs of web fluid. When the web dissolves after the cops get there and Spidey has long since left, those guys still have their guns.
ReplyI just love the article from Daniel O'brian...because it is f**kin' awesome..!!!!!
ReplyYou know, DOB? You might be one of the few people that remember the Cosmic Spider-Man saga. And for that, you are my favorite writer on this site.
ReplySpiderman used to be cool. But then they got that tossbag Toby McGuire to play act him. Wrote a s**tty script. Made three s**t movies and now he sucks. Maybe he always sucked and I didn't realise because I was a kid.
ReplySpiderman - better remembered than relived.
With all due respect, typing "One More Day" as "One Day More" really, really, hurts your credibility. Can't say it without sounding like a p***k.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliessee note 5
Agreed Grizz
Well, at least it wasn't a diatribe.
Please, that story arc doesn't DESERVE to be remembered by its real name.
Got me there.
Leave the web-slinger alone. He didn't ask to be Spiderman. What's more on a few occasions he has tried to give-up the superhero. I am simply amazed that he hasn't even once considered suicide. Besides, the only time Comissoner Kelly's men persecute Spidey is when some creep discredits the old Web-Head. Bottom line: leave Spidey alone.
Reply