Why Shia LaBeouf Is Hollywood's New King of Jerks

Ladies and gentlemen, Project Hollywood has succeeded. Decades ago, we constructed an artificial environment disconnected from humanity. Its only function was to create even more artificial scenarios even further disconnected from humanity. After billions of dollars, this philosofractal metamaze has realized its ultimate goal: an utterly oblivious human. A man with less self-reflection than Dracula. A man so geocentrically self-centered, he thinks the sun is a stage light constantly searching for his best side. A man so lacking in self-awareness, he's invisible to Zen Buddhists. A man who pushed the limits of assholing harder than Goatse. May I present: Homo Shia.

A man so incapable of self-examination, he thought this looked cool.

Shia LaBeouf recently stole the spotlight by stealing an entire screenplay. He "plagiarized" the script for his short film HowardCantour.com from Daniel Clowes' comic Justin M. Damiano, in the same way settlers "short-changed" Native Americans for the island of Manhattan. But he paid less. He stole the entire comic, scene for scene, line for line, word for goddamn word. It is impossible to overstate how directly he ripped it off. I've used photocopiers that make less direct reproductions.

Siri Stafford/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Shia at his writing desk.

When you read the title "HowardCantour.com," you've already experienced most of Shia's contribution to the project. The only other alterations were things like changing the bagels the characters eat into cookies. That's the level of cinematic insight Shia brings to a creative project: liking cookies.

Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images
"I go to my death shamed by association."

He also changed a mention of Le Mepris to Shakespeare in Love, because he doesn't think a lifelong professional film critic would have heard of one of the most famous French movies ever made. No, he's really changing it because he thinks you're too stupid to know anything outside of Hollywood. It's possible he doesn't even know there is an outside of Hollywood and thought the original comic had a typo. Children have copied from Wikipedia 10 minutes before the school bus arrived and put in more original work, because they change some words other than the proper nouns. He couldn't have taken from Clowes more publicly, obviously, and brutally without cloning him and beating the result to death on stage.

He didn't even tell Clowes, and he took this film to the Cannes Film Festival. He stole an entire story, took it to one of the most famous display events in the world, and didn't think anyone would notice, because he thought moviegoers didn't care about comics. I repeat: The star of the billion-dollar Transformers movies thinks moviegoers don't care about comics.

On the upside, he's a much better actor in this one.

He made millions from an extremely licensed and copyrighted property and used some to fund another movie. That means he paid actors, camera people, truck drivers, even craft services, but not the writer. He thinks the person who cleared away the coffee cups on his movie deserved more money than the person who wrote it. He even has a credit for "Script Supervisor Sarah Horton," who I'm assuming was paid to help him with the big words when reading the comic.

Which is why from now on he's Chia LeBeef. If he can't be bothered to add the proper names to his work, then neither should we. Besides, getting his name wrong is probably the only way a human can wound this vapid famebeast on our mortal plane.

"I don't know, LeBeef still sounds too tough for someone who looks like me" -Mirror Universe self-aware Shia

No human has ever been so caught. History is littered with idiots who confused recognition with respect, but only Shear-a LobeOff stole so blatantly after we built a global communications network and then enjoyed the resulting attention. His response was a masterwork of every way you can invert an apology. He deeply regrets; he apologizes that we assumed he wrote the film that he talked about making for years and didn't credit anyone else for writing; he's "embarrassed that he failed to credit" the person whose lifetime of work and experience he lifted like a candy bar. Note how all the apologies are about his feelings, not his victim's loss. And he makes promoting a movie for years without once even telling the person who wrote it sound like forgetting to pick up milk at the store. But then, he does have experience being arrested for being a moron at the store.

"I deeply regret the manner in which these events have unfolded." He knows that sounds like a stupid fake robot taking the piss out of gullible viewers. That's his entire cinematic experience!

And even then his primary role was "taking shit that belongs to someone else."

In the same message, he insists that "Being inspired by someone else's idea to produce something new and different IS creative work." Which is true, just as "The lunar missions had to reach a velocity greater than 11.18 km/s to escape Earth's gravitational pull" is true -- it's still not something Xia has actually done. He might as well argue that the true beauty belongs to the eye of the beholder from behind the wheel of a stolen Lamborghini.

If he'd only worked this out with Clowes in advance, he'd be a hero. "Hey, Shia is trying to apologize by making good conversions of comics!" But this was never about making something new. This was about making Shia look smart and talented. But hundreds of millions of dollars of special effects and marketing have already failed at that.

He looks like he was malnourished by the YMCA and is revenge-mocking the Village People.

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Luke McKinney

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