Why I'm Better Than The Mars Lander
DID YOU HEAR?! The Mars lander may have found ice on Mars! That's right; in the cold reaches of space, millions of miles away, water freezes. Hooray.
Now, there aren't a lot of things I'm inherently good at: blogging, parasailing (never been, but I'm pretty sure)actually, that's about it. But even so, I'm proud to announce that I am inherently superior to the Mars lander in every conceivable way.
Looks: I may not get attractive women knocking down my door, but Id sure as hell beat this thing in the swimwear portion of a male modeling competition. I mean its only got one big, stick-like metal arm, whereas my two arms are pleasantly meaty and human-sized. If you dispute my claims, just ask the nearest woman if shed rather have sex with Michael Swaim, or a pointy metal table. I think youll find that nearly 68 percent of the time, Ive got the Mars lander beat hands down.
Technologically: NASA would have us believe that the Phoenix lander is a wonder of modern science just because it can be sent somewhere, then do stuff they told it to and call them about it. Well I hate to rain on your parade, scientists, but last night we were out of dog food, so I went to the grocery store, and then when I got there I forgot what kind I was supposed to get, so I called my fiance at home to find out. And I did it all for less than 420 million dollars. Sure, Mars may be a little farther away, but the principle is the same. Give me a cell phone with a camera in it and send me on my way.
Having a weird floppy tube hanging off me:There was some concern that the Mars lander was malfunctioning when people saw images of it and noticed a weird, loose tube flapping limply off the side of it. Oddly, this is the same concern I faced in similar circumstances the night of Junior Prom. But, unlike the Phoenix lander, whose passive wind indicator is nothing more than a dangling tube used to measure windspeed on Mars, my active pleasure indicator can measure windspeed, provide hours of entertainment, and, given the right environment, PRODUCE A FULLY-FORMED HUMAN BEING.
Existing in Space: Im doing it right now. You want to see me outside of an atmosphere? Fine, make it happen. I would no less exist there than I do here.
Functionally Existing in Space: All right smart guy, you got me. Yes, I would instantly explode and freeze to death and burn or whatever. But let me ask you something. What costs more, a 420 million dollar space probe, or the cost of providing me with a motorcycle helmet and a few bottles of Oxygen pills?
I rest my case. I am superior to the Mars probe, and far more affordable. NASA, you have my information (I was the guy you told to stop calling after I kept asking whether youd found my Frisbee. And by the way, if you do find it, please let me knowits orange. Its not even really mine is the thing.).
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael haughtily compares himself to objects in his house as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
Phill, if you think humans aren't supposed to taste good, you're obviously eating them wrong. Have you tried infant in wine sauce? Delicious.
ReplyDo actually know anything about this lander? From this post I would say that you know no more then that it went to mars. Also NASA did not run this project, it funded it and launched it, It was ran by the University of Arizona. Comparing your self to it is also ridiculous since it performs a completely different function then you ever could. If you were sent to mars, which would cast much more then this did, then what would you do? Could you test the soil to see if there was or ever was life? no? hmm why would you be sent then? Its lie comparing yourself to a cake and saying the cake is better then a human since it tastes good, obviously not taking into account that cakes are supposed to taste good and humans are not.
Replyhey michael two things about your "Functionally Existing in Space" 1. Even if you do have a motorcyclehelmet and oxygen pills you would still freeze to death. And 2. Try to get out of the atmosphere and see how much that cost.( you did not actually mension anything about money in getting out there but thought i would mension it anyway
ReplyCharles...are you trying to be funny? Because huge walls of text on a relatively short and moderatley amusing article does not make you cool. At all.
ReplyYou copied that out of another Frat crier from the 1900's didn't you?
ReplyI must say, the quality of discourse in this country has taken a sharp plunge of late, not only among the ruffians and ne’er-do-wells from whom one expects coarse speech, but among gentlemen of letters and esteem. I have, with my own ears, several times in the past week, heard the elder sons of prominent families introduce into mixed company subjects formerly reserved for private discussion among gentlemen. It pains me even to raise this point, but following a string of recent events, there is no question that the adage bears repeating: A gentleman ought never to disclose who sucked him off.
ReplyThis needn’t mean a gentleman must limit the discussion of his exploits to his journal. If a gentleman has met a young lady and taken her to his digs, it is his right and privilege to tell his friends and coworkers about the encounter. However, it is the mark of a true gentleman to omit his lady friend’s name from the discussion of her pussy’s tightness.
Why, I had assumed that this custom and others like it were universal and well understood, but as long as I am spelling out the Rules of the Gentleman, allow me to introduce several other equally important but oft-neglected guidelines.
Should a gentleman find himself alone with a lady, he should not simply undo his pants and come in her hole. A gentleman knows that it is good manners to coax his lady friend’s heels as far above her head as they will go, to “split the reed,” and perhaps to turn his lady over and give it to her “doggy style.” A gentleman knows that a true lady enjoys a moderate amount of hair-pulling and ass-grabbing, taking these attentions as marks of affection and virility. However, a gentleman knows where to draw the line. He never lodges his lady friend’s head between the couch cushions.
A gentleman occasionally will have more than one guest at his home. Should he see that jealousy is breeding between the two ladies whom he is hosting, a gentleman does not say, “Whoa, ladies, there’s enough of me to go around!” The gentleman, valuing decorum and discretion above all else in his paramours, gently guides his guests’ heads from his penis and informs them that if they do not act like ladies, he will have to ask them both to leave.
When up to his nuts in a lady’s guts, a gentleman knows that it is quite impolite to smoke, talk politics, or take phone calls. Should his cell phone ring, the gentleman says, “Excuse me, I need to take this.” He withdraws his penis from his lady friend and keeps his phone conversation brief. When he has completed his call, a gentleman gently reinserts his dick into his lady.
Of course, a gentleman who is not a smoker keeps an ashtray on his balcony for his lady friends who wish to smoke.
It should go without saying that, once he has arranged for a paid lady of the night to meet him at his home, a gentleman does not jerk off several times while awaiting her arrival, in order to “get his money’s worth.”
A gentleman knows that accidents happen. While it is an unfortunate and boorish behavior that should be kept to a minimum, a gentleman always apologizes to a lady after he mistakenly shoots his load inside of her.
A gentleman never comes in a lady’s eyes.
While he knows that a lady gets pleasure out of pleasuring him, and he will occasionally increase the intensity of that pleasure by gentle force, a gentleman will never choke a woman on his cock.
If a gentleman wishes to attend to a lady’s pleasure through oral manipulation, no matter what the state of affairs below, he always politely completes his task. A gentleman ought never to fan his hand in the air, grimace and make a show of removing a pubic hair from his teeth, or compare his lady friend’s vulva to two strips of partially grilled fajita meat.
A gentleman knows that it is considered good manners to have an unopened toothbrush on hand for his lady friend, in the event that she should like to freshen up after eating his ass.
Breeding needn’t amount to priggishness. On the contrary, a gentleman knows that good old-fashioned manners will likely increase his social engagements, once word gets out that he is not one to splooge and tell. But I beg the reader, for the sake of tradition and all that is decent, to remember that a true gentleman does not ever, under any circumstances, go ass to mouth.
By golly that mars probe is fake. Don't believe a word of it. Just like the astronauts landing on the moon, it's all Hollywood. NASA has built a giant movie set somewhere within area 51. They're filming the whole thing right here in your backyard. If you look really hard, you might see a little green man peeking out from behind one of those martian boulders.
ReplyTelling the world that you've put a rover on mars and it told you there was water there is about the same as a proud parent describing their baby.
ReplyLemme know when the kid grows up and finds a renewable energy source on mars, NASA, and I'll be much happier than a puddle of water.
I saw DOB playing with your Frisbee last week. I think he was using it to practice for his upcoming battle with Hannah MonSnakeMonster.
ReplyIsnt this a mission done 30 years ago that is now declassified that they are billing the taxpayers twice for? sneaky...
ReplyI figure that the vacuum of space is sort of like gravity in the Looney Tunes shows. If you're ignorant of the effects of the void, it will have no effect on you. It's only when some jackass tells you it's a crime against nature that you will pop/freeze/suffocate/burn/die of shock.
ReplyOr with 420 Million you could have had about another 3 days of war operations in Iraq.
ReplyThe Lander is STUCK in one place same as our Iraq policy.
Your frisbee was carried on another Mars probe which also cost around $500 million and crashed because someone forgot to convert meters to feet...oh and here's another NASA blunder that cost another $500 Million...just before a crucial comminication "window" for the Mars Climate orbiter...they sent a message to turn the radio off.
It's not called Never A Straight Andwer & The Joker Poker's Liar's Club for nothing (NASA/JPL)
Bob...
Not to be an anal-retentive dick or anything, but exposure to the vacuum of space wouldn't cause you to explode or freeze. Temperature really doesn't exist in space because there's so little matter (although what little matter there is DOES happen to be very cold). Ever heard of a little something called convection?
ReplyA human can actually remain alive in a vacuum for about a minute, retaining consciousness for about 10 seconds (if he/she doesn't hold their breath - your lungs will burst if you try that). Remember that scene in 2001 where Dave has to go out in space because HAL won't open the pod bay doors? It's like that.
But that's only if you're not exposed to the sunlight. The ultraviolet radiation would fry you like a hamster in a microwave.
I don't think I have actually posted anywhere else on this site but putting everything aside I wanted to say you are doing a great job- all of you. I will not even pretend I can follow or understand all that its said here but really at times I can't choose what is funnier the actual post or the comments. I have to go before I get more weird looks from my coworkers that never understood how "working" can make me laugh hysterically!
Reply420 Million dollars spent to discover that their is no life on Mars. No cities, no spaceships. And if life exists in any form on Mars at all, then it's microscopic, and billions of years away from becoming anywhere near as evolved (don't believe in evolution, but we'll roll with it) as we are, on a planet with almost no natural resources. All facts telescopes both tiny and monolithic have been telling us for decades.
ReplyWith 420 Million dollars we could have fed thousands of impoverished people, pushed the testing of cures for AIDS, cancer, SARS, worked on technology for a renewable resource.
I hate to sound pessimistic but, WE ARE ALONE IN THIS UNIVERSE (I believe in God, but for the argument we'll say he in another plane of existence). And NASA should stop wasting our time looking for other planets and civilizations to ruin and help fix this one.
Off soapbox, going to go to bed now.
people dont explode in space. in fact you can survive for 5 to ten minutes bevor you die of oxygen deprivation.
ReplyMaths is weird. Like, it's definite that there is anothr planet exactly like ours with people who speak english. This is because if you believe that the universe is infinite in size, then no matter how small the actual probability of that happening is, the fact that it will be multiplied by the size of the universe, and that is infinity, then itis a certainty.
ReplyBut now it's being said that the universe is not actually infinite...so my point may be moot.
You're also way better than everyone involved in the Age of Conan game. It fucking sucks. I got more enjoyment in the 2 minutes here than the last 2 hours trying to play that piece of shit game
Replyrover vs Jesus? Jesus. what with the whole God thing.
ReplyVs hulk? I'd like to see that. I'd laugh long and hard and for a long time, just like my dickey-doo.
I'd also like to inject into this wonderful conversation the image of a NASA scientist, late at night, lonely in the lab with the unfinished rover, which is totally incapable of defending itself from the liquidy excretions of said scientist, it's long arm of penetration unable to move. "good rover, good rover...."
......the horror.
and to 12 pack, "shroud the pygmy man before sending him to the cave of clam."
lest you end up looking like a strawberry.
I think it's a big deal to people who would consider it a big deal, if you know what I mean. I take it for granted that there's life elsewhere in the universe, so to me, finding some isn't that big of a deal. Not that I don't suppost the space program...I want cities on the moon, like, pronto.
Reply