DID YOU HEAR?! The Mars lander may have found ice on Mars! That’s right; in the cold reaches of space, millions of miles away, water freezes. Hooray.
Now, there aren’t a lot of things I’m inherently good at: blogging, parasailing (never been, but I’m pretty sure)…actually, that’s about it. But even so, I’m proud to announce that I am inherently superior to the Mars lander in every conceivable way.
Looks: I may not get attractive women knocking down my door, but I’d sure as hell beat this thing in the swimwear portion of a male modeling competition. I mean it’s only got one big, stick-like metal arm, whereas my two arms are pleasantly meaty and human-sized. If you dispute my claims, just ask the nearest woman if she’d rather have sex with Michael Swaim, or a pointy metal table. I think you’ll find that nearly 68 percent of the time, I’ve got the Mars lander beat hands down.
Technologically: NASA would have us believe that the Phoenix lander is a wonder of modern science just because it can be sent somewhere, then do stuff they told it to and call them about it. Well I hate to rain on your parade, scientists, but last night we were out of dog food, so I went to the grocery store, and then when I got there I forgot what kind I was supposed to get, so I called my fiancée at home to find out. And I did it all for less than 420 million dollars. Sure, Mars may be a little farther away, but the principle is the same. Give me a cell phone with a camera in it and send me on my way.
Having a weird floppy tube hanging off me: There was some concern that the Mars lander was malfunctioning when people saw images of it and noticed a weird, loose tube flapping limply off the side of it. Oddly, this is the same concern I faced in similar circumstances the night of Junior Prom. But, unlike the Phoenix lander, whose “passive wind indicator” is nothing more than a dangling tube used to measure windspeed on Mars, my “active pleasure indicator” can measure windspeed, provide hours of entertainment, and, given the right environment, PRODUCE A FULLY-FORMED HUMAN BEING.
Existing in Space: I’m doing it right now. You want to see me outside of an atmosphere? Fine, make it happen. I would no less exist there than I do here.
Functionally Existing in Space: All right smart guy, you got me. Yes, I would instantly explode and freeze to death and burn or whatever. But let me ask you something. What costs more, a 420 million dollar space probe, or the cost of providing me with a motorcycle helmet and a few bottles of Oxygen pills?
I rest my case. I am superior to the Mars probe, and far more affordable. NASA, you have my information (I was the guy you told to stop calling after I kept asking whether you’d found my Frisbee. And by the way, if you do find it, please let me know—it’s orange. It’s not even really mine is the thing.).
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael haughtily compares himself to objects in his house as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- 2012 ... The Realistic Edition - January 7th, 2009
- The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008 - December 29th, 2008
- The 8 Best Internet Sketch Troupes Whose Initials Aren't TAM - December 15th, 2008
- The First 100 Days ... After: A Primer for George W. Bush - December 11th, 2008
- How Can We Be In A Recession If We've Got So Much Money? - December 10th, 2008
June 9th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
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June 6th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
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June 6th, 2008 at 4:40 am
You copied that out of another Frat crier from the 1900’s didn’t you?
June 6th, 2008 at 12:56 am
I must say, the quality of discourse in this country has taken a sharp plunge of late, not only among the ruffians and ne’er-do-wells from whom one expects coarse speech, but among gentlemen of letters and esteem. I have, with my own ears, several times in the past week, heard the elder sons of prominent families introduce into mixed company subjects formerly reserved for private discussion among gentlemen. It pains me even to raise this point, but following a string of recent events, there is no question that the adage bears repeating: A gentleman ought never to disclose who sucked him off.
This needn’t mean a gentleman must limit the discussion of his exploits to his journal. If a gentleman has met a young lady and taken her to his digs, it is his right and privilege to tell his friends and coworkers about the encounter. However, it is the mark of a true gentleman to omit his lady friend’s name from the discussion of her pussy’s tightness.
Why, I had assumed that this custom and others like it were universal and well understood, but as long as I am spelling out the Rules of the Gentleman, allow me to introduce several other equally important but oft-neglected guidelines.
Should a gentleman find himself alone with a lady, he should not simply undo his pants and come in her hole. A gentleman knows that it is good manners to coax his lady friend’s heels as far above her head as they will go, to “split the reed,” and perhaps to turn his lady over and give it to her “doggy style.” A gentleman knows that a true lady enjoys a moderate amount of hair-pulling and ass-grabbing, taking these attentions as marks of affection and virility. However, a gentleman knows where to draw the line. He never lodges his lady friend’s head between the couch cushions.
A gentleman occasionally will have more than one guest at his home. Should he see that jealousy is breeding between the two ladies whom he is hosting, a gentleman does not say, “Whoa, ladies, there’s enough of me to go around!” The gentleman, valuing decorum and discretion above all else in his paramours, gently guides his guests’ heads from his penis and informs them that if they do not act like ladies, he will have to ask them both to leave.
When up to his nuts in a lady’s guts, a gentleman knows that it is quite impolite to smoke, talk politics, or take phone calls. Should his cell phone ring, the gentleman says, “Excuse me, I need to take this.” He withdraws his penis from his lady friend and keeps his phone conversation brief. When he has completed his call, a gentleman gently reinserts his dick into his lady.
Of course, a gentleman who is not a smoker keeps an ashtray on his balcony for his lady friends who wish to smoke.
It should go without saying that, once he has arranged for a paid lady of the night to meet him at his home, a gentleman does not jerk off several times while awaiting her arrival, in order to “get his money’s worth.”
A gentleman knows that accidents happen. While it is an unfortunate and boorish behavior that should be kept to a minimum, a gentleman always apologizes to a lady after he mistakenly shoots his load inside of her.
A gentleman never comes in a lady’s eyes.
While he knows that a lady gets pleasure out of pleasuring him, and he will occasionally increase the intensity of that pleasure by gentle force, a gentleman will never choke a woman on his cock.
If a gentleman wishes to attend to a lady’s pleasure through oral manipulation, no matter what the state of affairs below, he always politely completes his task. A gentleman ought never to fan his hand in the air, grimace and make a show of removing a pubic hair from his teeth, or compare his lady friend’s vulva to two strips of partially grilled fajita meat.
A gentleman knows that it is considered good manners to have an unopened toothbrush on hand for his lady friend, in the event that she should like to freshen up after eating his ass.
Breeding needn’t amount to priggishness. On the contrary, a gentleman knows that good old-fashioned manners will likely increase his social engagements, once word gets out that he is not one to splooge and tell. But I beg the reader, for the sake of tradition and all that is decent, to remember that a true gentleman does not ever, under any circumstances, go ass to mouth.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
By golly that mars probe is fake. Don’t believe a word of it. Just like the astronauts landing on the moon, it’s all Hollywood. NASA has built a giant movie set somewhere within area 51. They’re filming the whole thing right here in your backyard. If you look really hard, you might see a little green man peeking out from behind one of those martian boulders.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Telling the world that you’ve put a rover on mars and it told you there was water there is about the same as a proud parent describing their baby.
Lemme know when the kid grows up and finds a renewable energy source on mars, NASA, and I’ll be much happier than a puddle of water.
June 5th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I saw DOB playing with your Frisbee last week. I think he was using it to practice for his upcoming battle with Hannah MonSnakeMonster.
June 5th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Isnt this a mission done 30 years ago that is now declassified that they are billing the taxpayers twice for? sneaky…
June 5th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
I figure that the vacuum of space is sort of like gravity in the Looney Tunes shows. If you’re ignorant of the effects of the void, it will have no effect on you. It’s only when some jackass tells you it’s a crime against nature that you will pop/freeze/suffocate/burn/die of shock.
June 5th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Or with 420 Million you could have had about another 3 days of war operations in Iraq.
The Lander is STUCK in one place same as our Iraq policy.
Your frisbee was carried on another Mars probe which also cost around $500 million and crashed because someone forgot to convert meters to feet…oh and here’s another NASA blunder that cost another $500 Million…just before a crucial comminication “window” for the Mars Climate orbiter…they sent a message to turn the radio off.
It’s not called Never A Straight Andwer & The Joker Poker’s Liar’s Club for nothing (NASA/JPL)
Bob…
June 5th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Not to be an anal-retentive dick or anything, but exposure to the vacuum of space wouldn’t cause you to explode or freeze. Temperature really doesn’t exist in space because there’s so little matter (although what little matter there is DOES happen to be very cold). Ever heard of a little something called convection?
A human can actually remain alive in a vacuum for about a minute, retaining consciousness for about 10 seconds (if he/she doesn’t hold their breath - your lungs will burst if you try that). Remember that scene in 2001 where Dave has to go out in space because HAL won’t open the pod bay doors? It’s like that.
But that’s only if you’re not exposed to the sunlight. The ultraviolet radiation would fry you like a hamster in a microwave.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I don’t think I have actually posted anywhere else on this site but putting everything aside I wanted to say you are doing a great job- all of you. I will not even pretend I can follow or understand all that its said here but really at times I can’t choose what is funnier the actual post or the comments. I have to go before I get more weird looks from my coworkers that never understood how “working” can make me laugh hysterically!
June 5th, 2008 at 10:42 am
$420 million is nothing, you hear me? Nothing! Unless you can teach them to fish, all you’re doing by handing out the dole is enabling dependencies–bad, bad. Much better to spend that $420 million on something REALLY useful, like the next Hulk sequel: The Hulk vs. Michael Swaim (guest starring the Mars Lander).
June 5th, 2008 at 9:21 am
420 Million dollars spent to discover that their is no life on Mars. No cities, no spaceships. And if life exists in any form on Mars at all, then it’s microscopic, and billions of years away from becoming anywhere near as evolved (don’t believe in evolution, but we’ll roll with it) as we are, on a planet with almost no natural resources. All facts telescopes both tiny and monolithic have been telling us for decades.
With 420 Million dollars we could have fed thousands of impoverished people, pushed the testing of cures for AIDS, cancer, SARS, worked on technology for a renewable resource.
I hate to sound pessimistic but, WE ARE ALONE IN THIS UNIVERSE (I believe in God, but for the argument we’ll say he in another plane of existence). And NASA should stop wasting our time looking for other planets and civilizations to ruin and help fix this one.
Off soapbox, going to go to bed now.
June 5th, 2008 at 7:15 am
people dont explode in space. in fact you can survive for 5 to ten minutes bevor you die of oxygen deprivation.
June 5th, 2008 at 5:18 am
Maths is weird. Like, it’s definite that there is anothr planet exactly like ours with people who speak english. This is because if you believe that the universe is infinite in size, then no matter how small the actual probability of that happening is, the fact that it will be multiplied by the size of the universe, and that is infinity, then itis a certainty.
But now it’s being said that the universe is not actually infinite…so my point may be moot.
June 5th, 2008 at 4:05 am
You’re also way better than everyone involved in the Age of Conan game. It fucking sucks. I got more enjoyment in the 2 minutes here than the last 2 hours trying to play that piece of shit game
June 4th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
rover vs Jesus? Jesus. what with the whole God thing.
Vs hulk? I’d like to see that. I’d laugh long and hard and for a long time, just like my dickey-doo.
I’d also like to inject into this wonderful conversation the image of a NASA scientist, late at night, lonely in the lab with the unfinished rover, which is totally incapable of defending itself from the liquidy excretions of said scientist, it’s long arm of penetration unable to move. “good rover, good rover….”
……the horror.
and to 12 pack, “shroud the pygmy man before sending him to the cave of clam.”
lest you end up looking like a strawberry.
June 4th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I think it’s a big deal to people who would consider it a big deal, if you know what I mean. I take it for granted that there’s life elsewhere in the universe, so to me, finding some isn’t that big of a deal. Not that I don’t suppost the space program…I want cities on the moon, like, pronto.
June 4th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I get the point that ice means water, and water could mean life, and life on Mars (past or present) could shatter the foundations of all the worlds major religions, but come on. Is it really that important? Let’s say that we did find life on Mars, just little critters in a puddle; who cares? Aside from the fact that it would be a huge discovery in the scientific society does it really matter that much to anyone on Earth that doesn’t masturbate to a gene sequence? Probably not.
There’s thousands of different, much better ways to spend so much money. For instance, it could feed a large portion of Africa so we wouldn’t have to hear about all the washed-up celebs that care oh-so-much about a continent they might have flown over once or twice before treating its population like a pet store.
June 4th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
My God, my lord Swaim!, are you really descended from the Gezworen-tot-het-onthouden-van-trouw-aan-de-invallende-monarchie Family?? We thought you were all killed, or really really hurt in all the reproductive places. Please come back to the Netherlands, after the European soccer championship mind you, and we will follow you to FREEDOM! and a Swaim republic.
June 4th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Michael Swaim Vs. the Hulk, but the Hulk is only allowed to use one hand AND Swaim has a battleaxe…AND Swaim is teamed with Mike Ditka.
June 4th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Michael Swaim Vs. Pointy Metal Table Vs. Mars Lander
June 4th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
@ Mr. Tickle Face, Swaim is actually (not a joke) an acronym for “Sworn to Withhold Allegiance From the Invading Monarchy.” My ancestors were Dutch freedom fighters. That beats the shit out of Mars Lander if you ask me.
June 4th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
[...] We’re Not Impressed By NASA’s Mars LanderDon’t send a probe to do a man’s job.http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/06/02/why-im-better-than-the-mars-lander/Dust devils spotted at Mars probe&39s landing site ? PropellerDust devils spotted at mars probe&39s [...]
June 4th, 2008 at 10:56 am
He’s kind of like a hobo cyborg, or hoborg for short.
June 4th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Street Wandering Android In Menswear: SWAIM.
June 4th, 2008 at 10:14 am
The Mars lander does win in 1 thing: he’s on another planet, you are not, probably never will.
June 4th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Ah, but Swaim, who has the cooler name? You or the Mars Lander? The Mars Lander clearly, what kind a name is Swaim? Does any part of it mean anything cool? Amiright?
June 4th, 2008 at 5:49 am
I am doing that thing right now that I talked about earlier–the drunk thing…so as much as I want to make some kind of witty retort to your comment SickBoy, I am simply incapable of doing so presently. Please asuage your jealousy with the notion that I jumped on that train before anyone else (excluding J-Pappi) did. Tough break, kiddo–maybe next time.
By the by, as great as I’m sure your brother is in the sack, his aptitude shouldn’t hold any bearing where your’s is concerned…but that’s just me.
Swaim–Mars Lander VS. Jesus?–thoughts, comments, concerns. play by play commentary? I leave it your capable hands my liege.
Respectfully,
12 Pack
June 4th, 2008 at 5:08 am
But is there a high possibility of you being utterly destroyed and having your whole, expensive life a huge waste when hurled at bodies in the cosmos slightly smaller than the Earth?
June 4th, 2008 at 12:53 am
Well, both are billed as incredible, so it’s a tough call. But I’d stick with the Lander, because I hate Edward Norton.
June 4th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Oh man, the Hulk, that’s a stupid question.
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Hey, I watched Ernest Scared Stupid when I was a kid, so there are three of us, not just 12 Pack and you, Kellee J. Oh, and my brother, he watched it with me. So, there are twice the people who have seen that movie than you previously asserted. I accept your apology.
As for Swaim, who do you think would win in a fight, the Mars Lander, or the Incredible Hulk?
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Oh, and make sure you bring at least five pounds of penicillin, because I get into some crazy shit when I start drinking…I did mention that earlier right? That I’d be drunk throughout our entire encounter? Nothing personal–I’m just into rum about as much as Dean Martin was into gin martini’s (read: always sauced).
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
We’ll be sure to send you some pictures in gratitude J-Pappi. And probably some to Swaim too, since it’s his blog that made this all possible.
And anyone else who happens to want them.
That’s cool, right Kellee?
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:14 pm
I’m glad I could be of cervix hooking the two of you up; if only all my hits on chicks could work out that way…oh, well. There’s always fresh corpses.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Hell yeah! I’ll bring the penicillin!
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
I possibly could–but I like you Swaim. You make me feel tingly in all the right places–plus you’ve got a good jiggle to you…makes me light headed what with all the blood rushing away from my brain to other parts.
MMMMM, jiggly bits!
Kellee J–I suggest we get together and watch an Ernest marathon. I’ve got the special edition, 2 disc director’s cut of Ernest Goes To Jail where “Electroman” actually kills a guy by shocking his balls into an egg like paste.
Bring whatever strings you want, baby, we’re looking at an all nighter!
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Sorry Billy, your hatred of me just feels phoned in after that death/rape threat. You’re just not going to top that.
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
How do you thats it’s an arm? It could be it’s metalic. robotic dick. Which, I’m very sure, since you are so inherently good at blogging, is about it’s length (minus an inch) bigger than yours. Also if NASA is reading this please send Swaim into space with some oxygen pills and a motorcycle helmet, let him volunteer to go into space and film the agonizing and painful death. It would be far more hillarious than most (not all) of Those Aren’t Muskets! sketches.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Who needs a mars rover when you have Superman?
http://www.weezerjonas.com/CDA5240F87574D8387EBDE8FEC733210/tracklink.asp?guid=9338E08DB4AC447A9F28C553C5A3D6B2
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I’ve also told Mike to starve the pit bulls for awhile . . .
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Probably best.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Thanks, glendoor42. I turned it over to the Guvernator.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I’m gonna teach you a lesson about being a terrorist boa’…
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
@ Mike’s Mom just give that name and contact info to me and I will explain it to him.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Which consequently is similar to pregnancy strings.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
12 Pack I think you are the only person on the earth besides me who A. Watched Ernest Scared Stupid and B. The ONLY person in the world who name that nasty fucking kiss between the two of them. Oh and that’s kind of like kissing someone with Gonorreah of the throat. But not because I know. The big girls at school told me. And so did Swaim.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Raep — that is a “terrorist threat,” punishable by prison. Not in the least funny. Please give me your name and contact information, and I will have a nice police officer explain this to you.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Looks like raep votes for Swaim over a metal table with a four point articulated arm, Kellee J, messy birthing sex, Jesus, and the Rovers.
Congrats Swaim–I’d high five you if I wasn’t covered in my own viscous mucins right now.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
So who would win in a fight between Jesus and a Rover? They did make more than one of them, so the Rovers have the numbers. Also it implies that NASA is better than God because He only bothered with one Jesus (who as we all know couldn’t make it to 40). Not to mention Jesus didn’t have wheels either…..hmmm. My money’s on Rovers.
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Well yeah, but that’s like saying I’m not as amazing as Jesus. Obviously. We’re dealing with ROVERS, here. I mean, forget about it.
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Yeah, you might be better than this lander, but the rovers? They’d totally own you. I mean, they are solar powered and have wheels. Beat that, Swaim.
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Eric, last time I checked, they never fucking found ice on Mars before. It was hard to find because it cost fucking 420 million dollars you fucktard.
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:04 am
Would it help if Swaim danced the Robot for you? He’s a mean breakdancer… always poppin’ and lockin’ and whatnot.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
But who would I rather invite to a party? Funny guy who would steal attention from me, or machine that finds ice for my drinks? I’ll take the ice machine. My point this round Swaimy!
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
I dunno man, I think to actually get something to Mars, land their and send data back is pretty downright amazing.
JT
http://www.Privacy-Center.net
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:39 am
Just one question there kiddo. Who’s more famous, you or the Mars Rover?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:42 am
On a completely unrelated note, a google image search for “umbilical cord recipe ideas” yields an image of a spandex-clad Richard Branson.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:57 am
Wow, the pills haven’t kicked in for you guys yet either, huh?
BL, that wasn’t what I was talking about, though they are tasty dried and salted with some ice cold vodka. Kind of like shoe-string fries, only different.
12 pack is closer. I do loves me some viscous mucins, though I don’t always wait for the newborn to get out of the way first. I like to contribute to the special olympics in whatever small way I can. I am, all things considered, a philanthropist at heart.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:45 am
I think what J-Pappi means is something along the lines of when you’re having torrid and primal relations with a woman that there are “strings” attached to your pelvic region akin to that scene in “Ernest Scared Stupid” where he kisses the goblin thing and it connects the two via a variety of viscous mucins between them.
Only in this case it’s afterbirth because you hop right in there as soon as the newborn’s out of the way.
That is what you were talking about, right, J-Pappi?
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:35 am
What exactly are “pregnancy strings”? Are we talking umbilical cords here?
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:15 am
A patch of ice has been found on Mars? Congratulations, I could have just led them to my ex girlfriend’s cooch. In fact, that might be what they found, I was pretty thorough with my beating.
Kellee J, I totally responded to you as if you were a dude (I think) on a previous blog. My bad. Like Kellee is such a masculine name. Maybe I’m not as smart as everyone thinks I am. Umm. Yeah. That’s what I keep telling myself as I repeatedly solve difficult problems for an important company…Actually, truth be known, I’m just a cock with a brain stem. Would you like to have strings-free sex with me (excluding tampon or pregnancy or bungee-cord strings)?
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:23 am
Swaim, are you campaigning to be sent alone in space to Mars? Because that can be the only logical conclusion drawn from this. That, or you hate robots.
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 pm
All Hail Miguel Swaim!
June 2nd, 2008 at 10:52 pm
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June 2nd, 2008 at 9:27 pm
I found your frisbee…I was visiting the space centre and got lost looking for the bathroom and they had this secret room where I found all of the socks I ever lost and a bunch od balls and frisbess. Those dicks.
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Who wants to take bets on how long until they rename this article “The 5 reasons Swaim is better than the mars lander”. I’ll say 2-3 days.
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:28 pm
I’m going with the lander because I always wanted to be an astronaut.
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:54 pm
JT that’s going to cost you a dinner date and a polaroid picture so i can show my “friends” someone does still have the balls to have sex with me.
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I would love to have a martian snow cone.
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Sorry Swaim, but I’m going with the metal table. Its not you. You’re a close second. But that Mars lander, Damn! It’s got long sexy landing legs that seem to go on forever and a four-point articulated arm that just won’t quit. Mmmm. I’ve got to excuse myself now…I need some private time with the lander photo.
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Tell me more about this rash Kellee. How was it received, and be as descriptive as possible. Wait… hold on… let me check my list off
lotion…… check
roomates old t-shirt…. check
wet wipes….check
ok, go !!!!!!
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Does the Mars lander sleep with your best friend while you’re out of town and then not tell you and then you develop a horrible rash all over your body and you can’t go swimming or get a decent date so you end up adopting twelve cats and start watching Golden Girls on the weekend because no one wants to hang out with a raspberry looking empty shell of a human being?
If not then are you or the metal table available this Saturday night? I made dip and Kool-Aid.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I would take you over the metal table too Swaim, even though we’re both dudes (who have dude-like appendages, namely our active pleasure indicators). But that’s just because you can’t browbeat a machine to the point of wetting itself unless it’s already been programmed to do just that. And, hell, that just takes all the fun out of it, you know?
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
well, I’d totally pick you over the metal table. unless it bought me a drink first. don’t be cheap swaim.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Its like they’re saying ice is hard to make or find.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I’m better than that spaceship that exploded beacause I didn’t explode.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
This is soooooo funny!!!!!
http://www.fakebuddy.com
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
You know, I was going to point out that your grammar may not be as good as the Mars lander, but then I stopped and thought: the lander doesn’t even know how to put together sentences it with which it hasn’t already been pre-programmed. You are indeed superior, and my witty barb is thus blunted.
It hurts me to hold it back, but I won’t correct your error. You win this round, Swaim.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
First….