So almost a week has passed since Oprah signed off, dramatically disappearing into thin air at the climax of her last show after slipping on that mysterious ring that never left her possession. By the time of her decision to retire and live with the elves, Oprah had transformed into something more than a talk show host, and was now as much a spiritual beacon that the rest of us mortals could use to guide our lives. And with that light now extinguished, many are wondering how her fans will manage. Curious myself, I conducted a telephone survey of three random phone numbers this past weekend, assuming them to all be fans of Oprah. I can confirm that 100 percent of them refused to answer the phone because they were curled up in a ball in the exact center of the room, terrified of walls and other vertical surfaces. I found the whole experiment both sad and scientifically incontrovertible.
After very little thought, I decided that I'd like to step in to this guidance vacuum myself. I freely admit that part of this decision comes from my deep concern for the physical and spiritual well-being of my fellow man. I somewhat begrudgingly admit that I'm also interested in the billions of dollars Oprah made serving in this capacity. You don't ever have to give any fucks with that kind of money. You want to buy a go-kart? Do it, because it costs like nothing to you. You want to push that go-kart out of a plane flying over the ocean and have it hit a whale? Why not?! You can afford another!
To get started on my world-guiding/whale-concussing plans, I decided that the easiest first step would be to ape one of Oprah's most loved features, and fill this column promoting a few of My Favorite Things.
For the callow, despicable folk unfamiliar with Oprah's program, Her Favorite Things was a list of items and products that Oprah enjoyed using in her own life, which she promoted and gave away to her audience. Because of the limitations of html, I'm forced to do that here without the second, charitable part.
Jeans have many attractive features. They are both timelessly cool and do an excellent job concealing my legs, which are sparingly cool. My favorite type are blue jeans, which are pretty easy to find.
This pair isn't very blue, but the fit is right.
It's spreadable chocolate folks. It's made from hazelnuts, which means a lot of people think it's healthy for you, but these people have brains so small that you can kind of hear them rattling around in their skulls when they nod. Nutella is fat and sugar, but that's OK because both those things are rad.
All of my hairstyles over the years have made use of Nutella in some way.
Sound Dampening Insulation
One of the things about writing comedy is that you have to do it alone in a tiny room where society can't see you. Much like politics or sausage making, knowing how comedy is made would dramatically reduce the appetite the world has for it. Few need know the amount of sweat, cursing and ground meat that goes into the comedy process.
Even doing something as simple as formatting the basic layout of an article involves swearing like a pirate birthing a saxophone.
The Blood Brothers
Sometimes when I'm trying to get pumped up to write a really smoking simile, or deciding whether to number a list in ascending or descending order, I find inspirational music to be inspirational. The Blood Bros: First Blood, and Blood Bros: Heaven 2 Hell are free mixes of high intensity songs featured in the soundtracks of the best movies made between 1983 and 1985.
In the little room where the yelling and magic happens, time has no meaning. When I need to brainstorm pieces of heavy equipment that could be used to run over Snooki, I can't let my body stop me.
Voltron actually came first, obviously, but my kidneys almost failed by the time I finished the rest.
So when I need to beat my pesky quitter of a body into submission, I like to use energy drinks.
My favorite is the one which tastes like grapefruit and ire.
Edged weapons are a great way to make slashing attacks, and most of them are also pretty effective at thrusting as well. Just swinging one around for a bit is one of my comedy writing tricks; it makes me feel a lot more confident in what I've written, and how the commenters will react to it.
I also like to swing my edged weapons around in the air and pretend I'm killing bears or enormous ants.
Taking a Leak
There is nothing as satisfying as powerfully going to the bathroom. In our modern world with our HDTVs and our conversations we often forget about how pleasurable it is to satisfy these basic biological urges. Because I can't go to the bathroom all the time, I like to record my bathroom time on a little recorder, and then play it back when I'm feeling down.
"GRAAAARGARARARARARGHGGGHGHHHH YEAH! I'M MY DADDY."
Price is Right Slashfiction
The characters from the Price is Right are timeless archetypes, from the benevolent plastic wizard host, to the bevvy of Barker's Beauties, to Rod Roddy.
Rod is reputed to have greeted every single one of his female fans by asking "Have you got a little Rod in you?"
Because these are characters we're all familiar with and love, I find that reading stories about them tearing at each others clothes and fucking like wolverines is a fun way to pass a weekend or kill time waiting in a doctor's office.
Note, one thing that is definitely not one of my favorite things are any stories which involve the wicked shape shifting imposter.
When will the PIR slashfic community disavow this monstrosity! Am I going crazy here??? HE KILLS MY ERECTION!
Sometimes people have to go to the bathroom when there's no appropriate place to do this, like in the middle of the Senate, or when held captive in the tiny little room in the exact center of my house. These are situations when I like adult diapers.
I like Prevail brand diapers, because they make it sound like what I'm doing is more momentous.
Chloroform Soaked Rags
Filthy rags are nice to have around in general, if only for mopping up spills and stains. But their ability to absorb incapacitating amounts of chloroform and then stop dirty imposters from making so much noise is what I treasure about them so much.
HMMELP MMMHH! HMMLP MH! MH! MH! PLEEH DONoooonhhh .......
Drew Carey's Home Address
This is easily my favoritest thing, not least because it was the hardest to obtain. Will the spoiler of the Price is Right enjoy his stay in my little room, laughing and exchanging comedy tips with me?
Almost certainly not, no.
I hope you enjoyed this week's episode folks! Please tune in to my next column which will have guest advice from my friend Dr. Michael! I think you're really going to enjoy "Doctor" Michael; he's a really amazing character, with a lot of great stories about living life off the grid, and will be able to share some great tips on self-actualization and unanesthetized surgery.
For more from Bucholz, check out 10 Job Hunting Strategies Guaranteed to Get You Arrested and 11 Cracked Lifehacking Tips.