Why Did That Paleontologist Have To Scare The Shit Out Of Me?
At the beginning of the film Jurassic Park, the film's protagonist Dr. Alan Grant gets furious when a young boy remarks that a Velociraptor skeleton looks "like a six-foot Turkey," forcing the child to imagine himself being eaten by a Velociraptor. "He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion ... He slashes at you ... across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you." The film never let's the boy respond. I decided to let the other parties involved in the scene give their alternate perspectives from the first scene of Jurassic Park.
1. Why Did That Paleontologist Have To Scare the Shit Out Of Me?
Seriously, all I did was kick a little dirt and make a funny joke about a turkey... I mean, what the hell do I know? I'm just a kid! I don't know anything about vemosomaptors or whatever! It looked like a turkey to me! So what? Does that mean that guy had to threaten me with a six-inch claw and talk about me being eaten alive? No, it doesn't. It means maybe he could have said, like, "Show some respect, these things are scary," or "Apologize right now or I'll scare the shit out of you." I would have apologized right then! I didn't want him to scare the shit out of me!
I mean, hell, I wasn't trying to call him out or something! Dinosaurs are cool! Of course I think dinosaurs are cool, I'm a fucking kid! Sure, we're noisy, messy, sticky and expensive (and some of us smell), but that's because we're kids, OK? That doesn't mean anyone can just go around making kids literally shit their pants just because we don't understand some stupid old man job. Seriously, the reason some of us smell is because big mean dumbs like that guy think it's funny to make us shit our pants! Stop making us shit our pants and we won't smell like shit!
Geez, the only reason I made that remark about the turkey is because I thought he was cool and maybe he'd laugh. Clearly he's not, because he didn't and also he made me cry, which is super mean. I could have been his protege. He could have been my mentor. Instead, I'm just going to have to be in therapy for the rest of my life. At least, that's what my mom says. She's super mad at him, too. It's probably the night terrors that really upset her. I don't even know I'm having them, but mom says every night I scream until I pass out, which is weird because I'm already asleep at the time. I wish I could remember what the dreams are about, because they're probably about vemosomaptors and I think those are pretty cool.
If he really wanted to scare me, he should have just pulled a gun on me. Fuck that guy. I hope he has something terrifying happen to him. Then maybe he'll like kids.
2. ROAWWWWWWR!!!
GRRRRROOOOOOOOWLLL! ROAWR! SNAAAAAARL!!! GRAAAAAAAARL!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLLL!! ROAAAAAAAAAAWWW
WWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!! GROWL SNARL ROAR!!! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLLL!!!
Out of like 8 article I read by Cody, this was the first one I found semi amusing. Even made me laugh out loud once. It goes on too long though, he killed his own joke. It shoulda been about half as long, and the whole raptor part at the end was just dumb.
ReplyThe vemosomaptor had a good point too.
ReplyI've always wondered why he did that. Dr. Grant I mean. Karma's a bitch! He got it back in ten folds!
ReplyGood job Cody
Replyhahahahahahahaha!
ReplyCody is new and different! We fear change! He must be despised until we, the masses, no longer consider him a threatening novelty on our established and understood ways of internet comedy. SUCH IS THE WAY OF THE INTERNET.
ReplyThis article smokes dick, take that how you like it
Replywhat the fuck people, your not gonna be hilarious every single time!! i cant believe how harsh people can be.
ReplyAll kids smell... BAD!
ReplyVemosomapters is hilarious. Good work. I laughed hard and rarely do. Don't worry about the haters. The probably like Gladstone.
ReplyTotally lame rip-off of The Onion's point/counterpoint schtick, and Jurassic Park was like 15 years ago. Way too late for this joke.
ReplyAnyone else notice that the kid from this scene in JP was in the Sexual Harrasment via KissCam video posted a few months back from sketch group TheAttack!?
ReplyFails as expected.
ReplyLame.
ReplyCody, don't listen to the haters- this was a great article! The bit with the Velociraptor at the end nearly gave me a hernia. Keep up the good work!
ReplySeems like you smoked up, watched Jurassic Park and couldnt get over that scene. Personally I LOVE shit like this. However, it is a bit drawn out and not exactly worthy of a full article.
ReplyMan it would just make my whole day better if DOB came to my house with a gun and made me read Cracked.
ReplyI would keep him and his tiny gun in my dresser drawer.
Thumbs down on this one. I think it Could have been made funny, but honestly, it was pretty sucky.
Reply....was this supposed to be funny? like, really?
Replythis was the worst article i've seen on here in months.
Look man I'm not into trolling and all that but really you suck.
Reply