Cracked Columnists

Where's Conan? And Other Failed Children's Books

Conan O'Brien is six foot four, weighs roughly the same as a Cornish game hen (uncooked), Has hair the shape of a baguette and, as he has mentioned occasionally on his show:

Is extremely pale.

Stalking him is a little like trying to find Osama Bin Laden: It sounds really easy, and yet no one seems to be doing it. TILL NOW.

Yes, for over a year a priest has been stalking Conan O'Brien. Im assuming it took this long to arrest him because police could not be dissuaded from the idea that this was a merely a filler bit on O'Briens program before he threw it to commercials. Preperation H Raymond; The Raccoon With a Jetpack; The Stalking Priest. Youve got to admit, its not that easy to identify the odd one out.

The guy sent O'Brien a series of increasingly threatening letters (a la Eminems "Stan," but without any follow-through) and was finally arrested by NBC security after trying to attend tapings of the show. Apparently Roman Catholics love the masturbating bear. It reminds me of when the Pope called that day of mourning after Andy Richter left.

In his letters, Father Ajemian says hes been stalking Conan since they went to Harvard together 25 years ago. What foresight! The guy I stalked in College is a mechanic now. Booooring!

Ajemian calls himself Conans most dangerous fan and makes vague, movie-related threats about shooting and/or kidnapping him. Watch it padre. Im a Conan fan, and Ive killed a man with his own hair. Can you say the same?

Apparently, Father Ajemian has also stalked John McEnroe and Faye Dunaway, and during an interview about his legal trouble vis a vis OBrien, stated Id like to meet Paul Simon. Rule number one Ajemian: FOCUS.

If you want to be taken seriously in the stalking world, pick an object of affection and stick wit it. Youve already got the practice; after all, being a priest is basically just stalking God. Translate those skills to OBrien, and try to keep from being distracted anytime an aging rocker releases a new album or a fading pro athlete makes a comeback. You might just make it yet.

Or, you know, get put in an insane asylum.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Michael Swaim

  • Rss

More by Michael Swaim:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

3 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!