Have you ever wanted to live in a cyberpunk movie? Well, now you can, save the bullet time and endless stream of European techno throbbing in the background. Just join rogue hacker groups like “Anonymous” and take up the fight against Scientology.
Then you too can release rad “underground” scare videos like this one:
I got chills. Of course, I get chills whenever I hear a digitized voice. Remember when Cher’s “Life After Love” was on the radio like every other song? Not a comfortable time for me.
Anonymous really sells the hacker image, complete with a threatening coda and blatant disregard for public safety. The only bit I really find hard to buy is the “we do not forget.” I mean, most programmer kids I know forgot about everything they were doing the second Portal came out.
And for all the appearance of being a massive, organized, Internet force, the comments at the end of this interview make it clear to me that Anonymous is more of a group in the spiritual sense. You join by saying you’ve joined, and then you just kind of do what you do in the name of the group. Like me: I collect and paint turn-of-the-century wooden train figurines. AND I DO NOT FORGIVE.
But, hey, let’s hope they get some people off of Cruise Control. It’s an admirable aim; I just don’t think I’d be too eager to quit my religion because this guy asked me to:
They’re kind words, but I’m kind of afraid the whole time that he’s going to lift up that visor and just be a skull. Again, it’s almost certainly the creepy music, which seems to be a recurring motif in anti-scientology work. The best example I could find is this thing about all the people Scientology has killed, which I could take a lot more seriously if it didn’t use the “Requiem for a Dream” song. When you have to push your beliefs with such obvious fear tactics as reminding me of the movie that ruined my taste for ass-to-ass, my conspiracy antennae tend to extend.
Which isn’t to say Scientologists aren’t still nuts:
It’s definitely going to be an interesting struggle to follow, at least until all the Anonymous members are distracted by a new LOLcat on 4Chan (this one has three cats, a computer, and corms!).
Now let’s hope some guys from Anonymous find this post, decide it insults them, and light up the comments section. Then maybe Cracked will give me a raise and I can afford a can of hairspray and a lighter to combat the nest of bats in my office.
I know. They spring for an office, but they leave the bats. It’s crazy.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes underground cyberpunk videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- 2012 ... The Realistic Edition - January 7th, 2009
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- The First 100 Days ... After: A Primer for George W. Bush - December 11th, 2008
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May 11th, 2008 at 6:11 am
in response to the anon who said there are no LOLcats on the chans: caturday?
in response to the anon who gave the tl;dr ran’t: STFU GTFO newfag.
in response to the anon who said that /b/ isn’t as good as it once was: /b/ was never good, it was filled with horror and fail within hours of its creation.
@tuflus: you are correct, all a joke, made better by people who don’t think its a joke. IRL trolling. it is, however, an interesting topic for a discussion on the impact of the intertwinning of crowd psychology and telecommunications on american and world cultures.
to the people who said that anonymous was daft punk:
AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD AROUND THE WORLD
that will /b/ all.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:22 am
a picture of hilary duff…
Man i just love your blog, keep the cool posts comin…..
February 7th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
/b/ is dead now.
As it was, it no longer is.
Around 3 years back it began it’s rapid descent into the realm of shit. It reached it just a few months ago. Like the hippie movement, the original majority of people who understand what the fuck they’re for and what they’re talking about is now dwarfed by the enormous amount of idiots who want to join it for cheap thrills, like the hippies who just wanted to procreate in public and get high whenever they feel like it.
The cancer killed /b/.
It’s corpse walks among us.
The only part left of it’s soul is it’s shell. On the inside it rots.
January 31st, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I’m surprised nobody commented on this before. The music in the second video is Chopin’s Raindrop Prelude, recently used in Bungie’s “Believe” ad campaign for Halo 3. How much do you want to bet that was the reason behind the music choice?
January 31st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Kudos to any and everyone involved in this attempt to take that wretched organisation down.
January 30th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Or the best pyramid scheme ever concocted in the history of man.
January 30th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I say go get ‘em. I’m glad there are people passionate enough about this to devote some time to fighting back. The more I learn about Scientology, the more I feel like it’s a harmful farce that is destined to end in the next thirty years and be looked on as a terrible parasite of an organization.
January 30th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
First of all, Anonymous would like to remind you that we are NOT attacking the BELIEFS of Scientology. We are not saying their beliefs are evil or somehow wrong. In fact, we could care less what you believe. God is a very personal thing, and we know better than to tell people our version of “the truth”.
Neither are we attacking the FREEDOM OF SPEECH of Scientologists. Any Scientologist is welcome to share his or her views, just as anyone else is. I understand how taking down an organization’s website could be misconstrued as an attack on CoS’s freedom of speech, but this is simply not the case.
The truth is that your rights (including your right to freedom of speech, thought, and religion) END at the moment when they infringe upon someone else’s rights. Scientology has a history of a “fair game” policy, attacking anyone who does not agree with them in various ways with their vast resources. They have forced abortions on their members above their private navy, SeaOrg. They have even been responsible for the death of at least one confirmed member (google Lisa McPherson) through their irresponsible practice of therapy. They have numerous human rights abuses on their record. For more information, I direct you to http://theunfunnytruth.ytmnd.com/. If you think that website is biased, keep searching. Everywhere (except sites maintained by Scientologists) there is well-documented evidence of the crimes of CoS.
Ask yourself, what kind of religion forces you to PAY for a truth they claim will make your life happier, better, richer? What kind of religion then uses that money to enact lawsuits against detractors and give commissions to their higher-ups? The answer is, religion doesn’t do that. Beliefs don’t do that. Beliefs in the hands of evil, greedy people do that. Scientology is more corporation than religion. There is absolutely no reason for them to be tax exempt. Do they worship any type of deity, as most religions do, or are they just hawking bad medicine to the vulnerable?
These are questions that must be answered. Scientology must not continue its abuse of human rights. If it continues, the war will never end until the organization is gone. Allowing them freedom to continue their money-grubbing pyramid scheme because “they have freedom of speech” is equivalent to allowing skinheads to beat up blacks just because “that’s their personal belief”.
January 30th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Oh, raiding is just so much fun. Even the Russkies took part in it.
January 30th, 2008 at 10:49 am
$5.00 Question
Apple Inc. manufactures 160 GB I-Pods. That is enough memory to hold 40,000 songs. Apple I-Tunes then charges $1.00 for every downloaded song. Simple math calculates that if you were to buy enough songs to max out the I-Pod capacity, you would be spending a grand total of $40,000. Do you really think Apple Inc. expects you to legally acquire $40,000 worth of songs? Or do you think Apple Inc. is instigating copyright infringement?
win $5.00 at Askyew.com_
Askyew.com_
January 30th, 2008 at 8:44 am
SU-PER DRA-GON!
(clap clap clap-clap-clap)
January 30th, 2008 at 12:06 am
We need Super Dragon to get in there and open up a huge can of whoopass.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
I am still waiting fro the link to 4chan new LOLcat…eh…the second portal open up…g2g…
and now I proceed to kick myself, very hard, then choose side of this rad soon to be reaally nerdy battle
January 29th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
couldn’t* (sorry)
January 29th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I remember seeing the unfunny truth about scientology on YTMND i could fall asleep.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
“There are more important things to concern ourselves with than Scientology”
they have killed people –>
http://suppressiveperson.org
and fuck you Adrian Strongarm
January 29th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
There are NO lolcats on /b/. Lurk MOAR.
January 29th, 2008 at 10:08 am
There are more important things to concern ourselves with than Scientology. I suppose all the newfags are tired of their daily Habbo raids and wanted to get Anonymous heard with this crappy Scientology raid, neglecting to realize Anonymous has already been heard during the super bowl bomb scare a few years ago and that waste of airtime called Fox News special report.
January 29th, 2008 at 8:25 am
I think Joe proved it with the Youtube link above: Anonymous is Daft Punk.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:46 am
Remix! All these videos need are some thumpin’ bass beats, and they could easily become future Ibiza classics. I know I’d buy that album.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:11 am
WE ARE NOT AMUSED!
January 29th, 2008 at 3:25 am
I appreciate the intent of Anonymous…they are sincere but…idk about their methods.
January 29th, 2008 at 1:12 am
You know what? I am almost to scared to comment here lately, because the grammar and spelling checkers here are relentless, the bastards blew up my house after my last spelling error! Thank you Phoenix you dickhead. Shit did I spell dickhead correctly? I’m afraid very afraid. That’s it I’m NOT posting here again!
January 28th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Anonymous is just like Al Qaeda. All talk, no game.
January 28th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Fucking dumbass news site linked back to the chanology website.
January 28th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
The best part about that was the portal comment. Gamers forget stuff all the time. XD I’ve never been a fan of 4chan, but the videos look like a lot of fun to make.
January 28th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I was expecting the second video to cut to this at the end
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl1XYK72J3g
January 28th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
the typos in these comments are prolific!
January 28th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Rules 1 and 2 only apply to raids, idiots. gb2gaia
January 28th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I think Tuflus just loves Tom Cruise.
January 28th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Tuflus, when you say “it’s all a joke,” are you implying that Anonymous actually has no problem with Scientology? Are you in fact saying that they LOVE Scientology? You heard it here first folks!
January 28th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I know broke rules 1 and 2. But I’ve seen 2girls1cup. My soul is already lost.
Now I roam the world killing as many lulz as I can
*cue evil laughter*
January 28th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
The giant map of the world behind the podium doesn’t exactly dispell the myth of them being a money-hungry cult does it?
January 28th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
What I mean is they’re pretending to be uber-elite cyberterrorists and have cool-looking threatening videos, when really all they can do is DoS attacks. They’re just in it so they can pretend to be in the movies.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
So…it’s interesting to note that the Scientology edifice has already had the videos removed from YouTube. Even the Googleplex has been infiltrated by Hubbard’s cronies.
January 28th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Come on, Vimmy, if Anonymous were using Die Hard hacking, they would just make the church of scientology explode. By hacking!
January 28th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I just sitting here the other day thinking if Anonymous were real I wish they would go after
some real assholes ,like the “church” of scientology. That would be so cool. To bad it’s not going to happen.
January 28th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I love Anonymous. They’re a bunch of ids who think that learned everything they know about hacking from Live Free or Die Hard.
Tits!
January 28th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Disregard what Tuflus says! It is all lies!
January 28th, 2008 at 10:03 am
You broke rules 1 and 2 dude.
May God have mercy on your soul.
January 28th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Okay. I think some explaining is in order.
It’s all a joke.
Sadly, some people didn’t get the joke and now they go around the internet posting videos and actually really thinking they can bring scientology down. This is all great since it just makes the joke even funnier.
Anonymous is *NOT* a hacker group. Anonymous has no leadership, no planning, no ideology, nothing. Anonymous is whoever feels like joining this anti-scientology fad. The interview in torrentfreak is complete and utter crap. The guy they interviewed was obviously messing around with them. It’s all lies. Nothing he says is even close to the truth.
This all comes from a certain very well known imageboard that has spawned all kinds of popular internet memes (see “O RLY?” owl and other funny stuffs).
HTH
January 28th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Ditto. What “The Guy” said. (about “BOOBIES”).
January 28th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I might actually be impressed by Anonymous if they did something more than just stuff like put gay pictures up on people’s myspace or something like that. They sound like a bunch of 12 year olds.
I agree as well that a lot of people are over medicated. Some people truely benefit from those drugs, but a lot don’t need them.
And, is it just more or does Tom Cruise sound like a completely brainwashed fool straight out of some sci-fi pic when someone’s been given a lobotomy?
Also: BOOBIES!
January 28th, 2008 at 8:42 am
When I see the guy with the helmet, i can’t help to imagine him saying “You don’t know the power of the Anonymous side!!” or something like that.
January 28th, 2008 at 8:34 am
I was cool with the ideas that Anonymous promoted until, in the interview, they admitted they were infringing on the same rights to free expression as Scientology. Geez, if you’re going to start a crusade against an organization, you could at least come up with some kind of rationalization for doing the same thing you hate the scientologists for!
As for Tom’s own crusade against psychiatry, he may want to do some independant fact-checking. While I agree that overuse of psychopharmaceuticals is a real danger, the science as a whole is responsible for a lot of advances in society.
Oh, and to keep this discussion on a Cracked level, may I also add: cocks!