One of the many onerous burdens placed upon the Cracked blogger is that of wading through countless vapid, hastily-written web articles dissecting the minutiae of celebrities’ lives to the point that one wonders if there wouldn’t be profit in the attainment and sale of Lindsay Lohan’s solid waste.
But of all the terrible places on the web dedicated to destroying the lives of our former idols for the sheer lulz of it, I’ve gotta hand it to the reporters at TMZ.com: at least they try to dress up their dreck by pretending they’re fast-talkin’ journalists from the forties. Aside from my daily ether rag, it’s the only thing that makes my job bearable.
Take this article about Britney Spears’ latest run-in with the law (something involving an industrial combine and that nice man with the big eyebrows from The OC, I believe).
In three paragraphs, the reporter manages to insert the phrases “will the judge be buyin’ what he’s sellin’,” “all things Britney,” “the whole magilla,” “take a hike,” and my personal favorite “smells like it.”
In light of this, I have a personal request for the reporters over at TMZ: as someone who relies on your “news” on a daily basis, it would really mean a lot to me if you’d go even further in dressing up these stories. Reporting on Britney as Jennifer Leigh in The Hudsucker Proxy is a good start, but the possibilities are truly endless.
Here, I’ll toss out some sample sentences from possible future TMZ stories, and I think you’ll get a better idea of what I’m talking about.
For wanting his trainer to lie
But McNamee claims
“When I couldn’t find veins,
I injected it straight in his eye.”
I write to inform you of a most unusual happening that occurred whilst I was away in the country under doctors’ orders (they feel the dry climate will do wonders for my rubella). From what I’ve gathered during my evening jaunts to the local tavern, and, I must admit, by purchasing rounds of ale for the stablemen and smith’s apprentices who frequent it, Tom Sizemore was raped in prison.
I expect all future TMZ articles to be written in a format at least as colorful as those above. Please see that this is done.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes period videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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February 21st, 2008 at 3:24 am
A grey fedora? Now THAT’S an expensive hat.
If I were King of Pop Culture, I would mandate that 20s era slang be instated as the new ebonics, to be ironically appropriated by hipster youth and smart-alecky internet types the world over.
February 20th, 2008 at 7:58 am
‘What’s that boss? Lohans been snorting the colombian talcum in a hot joint south of the big blue? I’m on it!’
On a related note, I was at work, and I passed by an apartment block with some strange saxophone music blaring out of the bottom apartment. It was sort of wierd, loopy Jazz music that sounded like it came from some 1930’s Film Noir.
In my head I kept quoting lines from The Goat In The Grey Fedora.
February 20th, 2008 at 12:30 am
That reporter is my idol. I’m looking forward to one day telling an editor “i’m on it, Chief!” before putting on my fedora and trenchcoat and racing out to cover a quilting bee.
February 19th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I’d pat it all day, and maybe throw it a bone once in a while.
February 19th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I must agree with the rest of you, Paris’ Vag, while not as Mommish as Britney’s was adorable. I wish it could run around my backyard.
February 19th, 2008 at 6:56 am
WOW…so sweet, seems she is famous on a tall dating site~~~~~Tallmingle.com ,there are many hot models.they vote the most beautiful member eah month.
funny thing…..
February 18th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
That was the cutest* vagina I have ever seen.
*only
February 18th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Thank you for the warning Tim. I’m one of a handful of people left on the planet who hasn’t seen Paris Hilton’s twat . Because of you, I remain so and will continue as such… until Clorox features it in a commercial touting the germ/bacteria killing properties of their Sani-wipes. Much obliged.
Other than that…Good one Swaim ! The only thing missing is the clickety click of a teletype machine.
(oh, hell) What gives ?
February 18th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
You know what would be funny? A pimp using dated period terms to try to sell his whores. Now that would be inspired.
February 18th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
This article is the cat’s pajamas. Real spiff, if you catch my drift. Michael Swaim is real mac, I bet he gives all the girls the time.
I love old timey slang.
By the way, wasn’t there another version of that photo on another post? If so, where could I find it?
February 18th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I didn’t realize how underrated the slang of the forties actually was! You could blather on about what Ryan Seacrest had for breakfast this morning, so long as you did it with some of that pizazz!
February 18th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
swaim im disappointed in you. Showing a real picture of Paris’ vagina? Tasteless. To all who read, that is indeed a real picture, and is not to be clicked on.
For shame michael, for shame.
February 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Paris Hilton’s vagina is hot.
February 18th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Wait a second? That reporter works at TMZ now? When did he leave Starpulse?