I’m not going to lie to you. After shutting down my wildly successful Hate By Numbers tm series, I wasn’t coming back. My self-imposed indefinite sabbatical 
was going really well, and I thought Cracked was humming along just fine without me. But last week I got a call that changed everything. I knew it was my former editor Jack O’Brien before even answering; I’d assigned Madonna’s Vogue as his ring tone. No song better captured Jack’s fluid sexual identity and processed faux chic posturing.
“Hey,” I answered with all the ease of a free man.
After all, Jack was no longer my boss – just some dude who loved Cracked.com and the sexy pop disco beats of a certain middle aged Diva from Detroit. I settled into my rich leather couch and poured myself two fingers of scotch, enjoying my newfound status. But just then something broke the mood. Something functionally illiterate:
“Call him ‘Jack-o-roni & Cheese,’” shouted Dan O’Brien from my opposing love seat.
Dan was back on the East coast for Christmas, and crashing at my place after his parents kicked him out for doing something “unholy” to his family Priest with the church’s nativity baby Jesus. Apparently, no one was impressed with Dan’s defense that he was just trying to figure out what Jesus would “do.” (And yes, Dan made the little quote fingers on “do” when he explained the story to me.)
“Call him ‘Jack-o-roni & Cheese,’” Dan repeated. “Because, y’know, it rhymes with macaroni & cheese, and his name is Jack.”
“Yeah, I get it,” I replied. “Now finish your bag of ketamine and go to sleep like a good boy.”
“G-Stone, you there?” Jack asked. I hadn’t heard him so anxious since he lost all his glow sticks and pacifiers in one night. “I need you to come back, G-Stone. Please. I’ll do anything.”
“Will you pay me market rates for my freelancing?”
“Oooh, no can do,” Jack said, “but I will totally let you have my first edition, autographed cassette single of Madonna’s Lucky Star.”
I’m not sure why, but I’ve always liked Jack. Maybe it’s because he worked himself up to Editor in Chief of a successful comedy website when fate would have dictated that he turn to hustling his John Mayer-esque ass for a dollar on the streets of Thailand like so many of his peers.
“Can I write about anything I want and make it as indulgent and self-referential as possible?” I asked.
“As long as I can figure out a way to title it for DIGG.com, yes.”
So I agreed to do a post. Something about how I’ve spent my month or so away from Cracked. The good. The bad. The uninteresting. I’m not sure how that appeals to a wider audience, but that’s Jack problem. (That and his crippling meth addiction.) Still, I thought I’d throw him a bone by drawing some universal advice from each of my experiences for you, the reader. So without further ado:
HOW G-STONE IS SPENDING HIS SABBATICAL
(or Suggestions For A Great 2009)
As all the papers have reported, I recently underwent a significant life-changing event by imposing a sabbatical on HBN. My silly little three minute videos, lampooning pop culture news, TV, and music did more for my comedy career in a few months than all my preceding years of comedy writing combined. Strong proof that either my dreamy bedroom eyes are simply irresistible or that people can’t actually read anymore. I’m going with the latter.
And as shocking and significant as my decision was, it occurs to me that, perhaps, important stuff has happened to other people in the last couple of months too. Maybe YOU are also at a transition. Perhaps, you’re preparing to enter high school or college. (School starts in January, right? I forget.) Or maybe you’re about to graduate high school or college. (That’s slightly less likely if you’re a Cracked reader). Or maybe you’re one of the record number of people who’ve just been laid off as a result of the increasingly bad global economy? In any event, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one doing some reflecting and soul-searching during this Holiday season.
What will 2009 bring? And more importantly, what should you do now to make sure 2009 brings what you want? Well, for one…
1. Do What You’re Supposed to Do.
I went on sabbatical to write comedy screenplays. How’s that going? It’s going, but I’m behind schedule. I’m halfway done with the first screenplay, but I wanted to be all done by now and on to the second. And I still have to make some dicey Act III decisions. In my defense, I’ve suffered certain setbacks in my personal life recently that may have had a subtle affect on my writing as indicated by this excerpt from a scene I was working on last week:
Bambi (sexy flight attendant)
Excuse me, sir, but are you Layne Wadstone? I love your hilarious video series and your dreamy bedroom eyes.
Layne
Why hello. Yes. Yes I am.
Bambi
Do you think you could help me with something in the airplane bathroom? (giggles and points to her lady parts)
Layne
I’m sorry, Miss, but no. You see, I’ve recently contracted chlamydia.
In any event, you don’t want to be like me. I don’t care what it is. Getting a new job; curing your acne in time for prom; studying for your finals now so that C- you just got on your mid-terms doesn’t sink your whole GPA; you’ve got stuff that needs doing. Do it.
And so will I. Promise. And take comfort knowing that while you’re studying in your dorm room at 3 am, I am fast asleep having rewarded myself with a nap after coming up with a knee-slapping sight gag for my screenplay. (Spoiler alert: The vicious dog bit WHAT part of the bad guy’s anatomy? Oh, that’s rich.)
2. Do Something You Have No Business Doing
So it’s all well and good to do what you’re supposed to do. I mean, I think I read that somewhere. But maybe you should use this time to do something you have no business doing. Something different to give you a 
charge. For example, everyone knows that I was the lead singer, songwriter, and rhythm guitarist of SlowBurn, the greatest 90’s band to ever hit Ithaca, New York. It’s also well-established that despite writing fairly aggressive and/or moody rock, an A&R guy from Atlantic records came to my gig at CBGB’s and called me a “balladeer.” (It’s also well-know that he showed up during the last 30 seconds of the gig high off his ass, and that I said some not very nice things to him). But what is NOT known, is that I don’t know how to play piano. And I’ve never written a song on piano.
So this last month, I taught myself some piano chords and wrote a song. I then recorded it and used my Vegas Video as a multitrack recording device. Mind you that means I had no reverb or eq’ing ability. So basically, it was a really, really dumb idea. And a poorly executed one too. The song is all over the place. It is nothing like anything I’ve ever written, and, frankly, you will be able to tell that I don’t know how to play piano. You will be able to tell that I overdrove the lo-fi microphone. You will wonder if I own a metronome.
So given all these deficits you may be wondering why I then made a little video to the song and put it online. Especially since I’m really proud of some of my other music –written and played on an instrument I understand and recorded somewhat competently—and none of that is available online. Why would I want this to be the only representation of my music to a fairly large audience? And why would I set myself up for “keep your day job, my ears are bleeding” abuse from my 75-100 haters on Digg.com?
That is a really good question. And I was going to ask my therapist, but I don’t have a therapist so I asked my former co-blogger Mike Swaim. Mike was confused. “Wait,” he said. “What’s the point of even being alive if you’re not constantly on video?” Maybe he’s right. Or maybe I’m trying to prove I don’t care what anyone thinks. You buy that, right?
Know what else makes no sense about this song? It’s about leaving the distractions of the internet behind to take care of the more important things in my life. So I recorded it. And put it online. And then blogged about it. Because I am a gigantic bag of contradictory crazy. Looking back, I don’t think you should take any lessons from this behavior. Let’s move on.
But if you do watch it, do me a favor and double click on embedded vid so you can choose YouTube’s “watch in high quality” option. This video doesn’t need any extra help looking crappy.
3. Get In Shape
Now this is a good idea. About six weeks ago, I had the presence of mind to consider 
that, perhaps, leaving all the joy that comes from being a ridiculous, internet pseudo celebrity might cause me to sink into a depression. In order to avoid a downward spiral of late night beer and cheese doodles, I decided to get into shape. And I did. I’m more fit now than I’ve been in years. I am firmly within my BMI. So much so that I won second runner up at Maine’s Don Draper look-alike contest this year:
My weight loss secret? Crippling depression. Yarp. It’s been a tough month. It killed my appetite and I just went with it. Used it to my advantage. There is only one problem with this diet. I started to get so pleased with my appearance that the depression lifted, and I began to overeat. Gained a few pounds, but I think I’ve got it down now, and I fully expect to return to my first job as a Calvin Klein underwear model when I drop the final 8 pounds.
So how does this apply to you? I’m not sure. Maybe you’re already fit? Or maybe you have some sort of glandular problem that prevents weight loss. I don’t know. Or maybe you’re one of those people who manages to be happy in life for reasons aside from body image. (Freak). But in case you wanted to lose weight, and you were waiting for some random, no-talent internet dude with delusions of grandeur to let you know it was OK, then rest assured, Ross Wolinsky says it’s fine.
4. Spend Way Too Much Time on Facebook
What else can you do to make 2009 great? Well if you’re like me, you’re prepping for 2009 by spending way too much time on Facebook. Is using Facebook to fill the void in your life a good idea? No. Actually, I think it might be the worst idea ever. Or at least the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Oh wait, I take that back. Mike Swaim begging me to help him write the script to Internet Party 3, Electric Booga-You-Tube, was the saddest thing ever. But still, it’s pretty bad.
Without doubt, I overindulged in the old FB this last month and it’s just not cool. I have met some lovely people, and my status messages are just delightful, but it’s no way to live. Facebook makes you feel like you’re doing something while doing nothing and yet, in its own way, makes you too tired thereafter to actually do something. It’s a lot like filling out a moveon.org petition online. (Of course, that shouldn’t stop you from becoming my Facebook friend and joining Gladstoners the hippest fan club on the web).
So in summary, what advice can you take from my sabbatical for a great 2009?
1. Do what you’re supposed to do.
2. Don’t do what you’re not suppose to do.
3. Put down the jelly donut, fatty.
4. Easy on the Facebook (after becoming my friend).
and finally,
5. Replace your popular web series with an incredibly indulgent column that is even more self-centered and insufferably arrogant than even you thought possible.
*This column’s shout out goes to the incomparable Twig the Wonder Kid
Like G-Stone even more than he likes himself? Then check out his website Kafka Lives In Maine.
This entry was posted on Monday, January 5th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under I hate my co-bloggers, The most self-indulgent column in history. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
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May 20th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Finding your websight was like finding a needle in a haystack.
April 4th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Your voice sounds something like John Lennon’s.
March 3rd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I wish you good luck Gladstone
. Cracked will never be the same without you =/
February 23rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
That actually was rather Beatles-like. Time to add tambourines!
January 28th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Thanks a lot, Kilgour. I’m working on another Cracked article now.
January 26th, 2009 at 1:03 am
I wish you would come back to Cracked, but good luck with the screenplays in the meantime. Also, if you hadn’t gone on sabbatical I might not have bothered going to KLiM for my Gladstone fix and then I wouldn’t have read The Confession, which would have been a shame. So in a roundabout way, thanks for leaving Cracked.
Now come back and be funny for us again.
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
The song reminded me more of A Day in the Life/Martha My Dear (read: any Beatles song with piano (okay, not really)).
Plus, seriously Gladstone, Beatles-esque totally trumps “piano pop” any day. Run with it.
January 23rd, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I’m a little late on the uptake, but great article.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Wait, G-Stone, your dad made sardonic hate-filled rants against popular items in entertainment too?
January 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am
ooh way to go Gladstone. show that frigid bitch you don’t care about her irrational hatred of your lustrous hair.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
There are women out of my league? I haven’t met them yet. Well, not counting the frigid ones I didn’t want to date anyway.
And btw, all rational people hate other people based on their hair, so right you are.
January 9th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I’m a fairly rational person, but I hate everything about Gladstone. He reminds me of the type of guy that hits on women clearly out of his league and then calls them frigid bitches for being able to spot his douche-ness from a hundred miles away. Even his hair pisses me off. Not sure why, but something about the texture and cut screams self-important prick who’s trying way too hard to be old-school cool like his daddy.
January 8th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Jimbo - I’ve heard sleetmute nitemute. trust me, you’re not missing much. Cotten rox tho.
January 8th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Wayne,
I just read your edit of eddie’s comment and frankly, I think I love you.
If you are coming back, welcome back. If not, I do wish you the sincerest best (more sincere than that trickster DOB) in all your comedy endeavors.
-John
January 7th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I had no idea Gladstone was british. weird.
aolian - wtf? looked up Joe Cotten on myspace and I knew sebado, but I can’t find anything by sleetmute nigtmute!
January 7th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Today’s my 41st birthday( DOB’s birthday was yesterday and he turned 12). What a great birthday present Wayne. Thanks!
The last present I got that was this good was when I got syphilis
from some fraulein in Germany on my 22nd birthday.
Really Gladstone glad yoour back, you are coming back right? I don’t ever read your stuff I just kind of skim it for the funny stuff, which doesn’t take long.
January 7th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Maybe eddie’s British–they have different conventions for certain things.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
LOL @ ‘comedy career’.
AUTHOR’S EDIT: Eddie, you want to use the full quotes (”) and put the period inside them. Oh, I’m sorry was that a needless comment, smacking of dickishness? I thought you were all about that?
–G-Stone
January 7th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
“somekindarobot Says:
January 5th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I’m beginning to wonder whether Jack O’Brien is a real guy, or the expectations of all the Cracked writers on what their boss would be like made manifest into a metaphysical entity through sheer will alone.”
Actually, I think I finally have it. The five current bloggers each have a special ring with a special power. When their powers combine, they call forth Jack O’Brien. The Captain Planet of bloggers.
January 7th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Gladstone… you do sound very much like Lennon. That’s the first thing that I thought. But that’s a good thing, because I like Lennon’s voice ^.-
Also, you totally inspired me to actually stick to my resolutions this year: “you’ve got stuff that needs doing. Do it.”
January 7th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Because I was recording on Vegas Video without reverb, I doubled the vocal and set them one click apart. I think that’s what people are finding Lennonesque bc I dont’ think I’m actually singing like a Beatle. And the song, while piano pop to be sure, doesn’t strike me as particularly Beatlesy either, but maybe I’m the only one who thinks so.
I wouldn’t call my vocal an accent, but I am using an affectation I found song-appropriate.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Gladstone, you won’t believe what’s happened, I FINALLY watched your music video! I guess Hell froze over!
Well, Hell is a town in Norway that frequently freezes over, because Norway, as Sweden, is mighty cold.
Anyway, what can I say? I don’t know. How the Hell (in Norway) did you do that freaky accent???
And yes you do sound like you’re trying to sound like the Beatles. In a very scary way.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Cuindless, that does not make you cool. At all. It makes you a mainstream loser like everyone else. What you should do is go to a movie that nobody else sees. That makes you hardcore. Totally. So hardcore you can like, walk around without a helmet for once. But don’t tell mom!
And what the hell is a cuind anyway?
January 7th, 2009 at 5:07 am
nice article.. and i do agree with juruselem spider that this is much funnier that HBN
January 6th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Gladstone, please keep us informed of your screenplay progress. It would make my day to see a movie written by you. Then I could say, “I used to watch that guys show before he sold out…” to all my buddies. My mom says that makes you cool.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
That jail is for my dog. Not me. And we force him to do lots of stuff.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Fuck you G-Stone and fuck everybody!
January 6th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
“Strong proof that either my dreamy bedroom eyes are simply irresistible or that people can’t actually read anymore.” So the only part I was able to get was the video which is either brilliant of the most horrible thing to ever happen. Right now I am leaning towards brilliant. Nice to see Gladstone back. He better or someone will disprove the existence of Jack O’Brien and then Dan O’Brien will be in charge because that how it works right?
January 6th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Pianist fetish. Get it, because you pronounce Pianist, penis and…Yeah…
GOT CHEESE? NO? WELL YOU FUCKING SHOULD!
January 6th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
oh shit i live like 10 minutes from ithaca. pretty bitchin man.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Not sure why they’d force him to play the piano though. You think they’d choose something he… you know… had been playing longer than a month.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
When you sing, you sound like John Lennon. Otherwise, props for being so inspirational. I spent the entire second half of 2008 doing nothing, because I have a life’s grand master plan that has stalled at the first hurdle and I’m still struggling with said hurdle now, namely learning to drive.
You should act out your screenplays with puppets, and see if Cracked will show them. Then you’ll get all manner of positive feedback, and questions about what the end song is, all over again.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
By watching the video, it would seem that Gladstone is being held in a very tiny jail where he is forced to play music for his captors.
Huh… weird reason to leave HBN, but that’s cool.
January 6th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Oh my galosh… Gladstone, do you have ALL jobs? Is that why I can’t get a job? Why do you get to occupy the job market?
January 6th, 2009 at 10:32 am
No Robert. I took that job too.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Wait…so am I fired? This was a mean way to announce it.
All right, then. Fuck it. Whatever. I could probably get my old job back selling handjobs at ball games.
HANDJOBS! GET YOUR HANDJOBS HERE! HOT, STEAMY HANDJOBS TWO FOR A DOLLA!
January 6th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I’m going to one up MJ-89’s complement. Roflcopter.
The song wasn’t so bad. I want to hear Slowburn tho. I demand it.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:11 am
You should watch the song, Signe. I concur that it has a John Lennon-esque quality to it. It’s reminiscent of “A Day in the Life” without Paul McCartney’s parts. Obviously it could use some polish, but it definitely has potential.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Gladstone… I think you got the Australia thing wrong. See there ARE laws and elected officials there. But I do have a friend in Melbourne who advocates lawlessness. Gotta love that guy, you have no idea how awesome he is. And YES he is more awesome than you. Freakin’ take that. And I still haven’t gotten to watch your song. I’m still in the The Cure mood I suppose.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Ahh, you never notice how much you miss something after it goes until it comes back.
Welcome back, Gladstone. And as an Australian, I would like to say that you’re far better than most comedy writers in this country. Probably helps to explain why we love you so.
January 6th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Bayz0r. You got me. How embarrassing. For you.
I’ve heard the Beatles thing a lot. Hmm. I just thought it was poppy, but not Beatlesy..
Molly, I’m feeling the love, but I see your Australian so I’m not surprised. I’m clearly suppose to be living there. MJ keeps putting my name on the ballot as a write in candidate for Mayor of Melbourne land or something. silly MJ. There are no laws or elected officials in Australia.
January 6th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I’ve never commented on Cracked before, but I just wanna say I’m glad you’re back. I miss HBN.
January 6th, 2009 at 6:04 am
i thought the song was all right, but i had no idea you were auditioning to be the fifth Beatle
January 6th, 2009 at 4:11 am
“I’ve suffered certain setbacks in my personal life recently that may have had a subtle affect on my writing as indicated by this excerpt from a scene I was working on last week” - “affect” should be “effect”.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:35 am
Oh my galosh everybody is talking about your song now G-Stone… I just gotta get to watching it sometime! After my procrastinators’ meeting.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:17 am
“No mention of your plans to attend the Burning Man festival?…cause there’s no hiding your love of hippies. I know there’s a fuckload of henna under that suit.”
Lounsey, I offer to you the greatest compliment the interwebs has to offer: LOL
January 6th, 2009 at 1:16 am
I watched the video as is, just to spite you.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:08 am
“So basically, it was a really, really dumb idea. And a poorly executed one too. The song is all over the place.”
She’s choppin’ broccoli…. chopping broccoli… she’s CHOP, CHOP, CHOPPin’… choppin’ broccoli-eh…
January 6th, 2009 at 1:06 am
lcat. just click the facebook link in hte post.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:52 am
And listen!! haha!!!!!
January 6th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Fuck you for making me read Gladstone.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Hurrah for g-stone. Now I go read article.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Im pretty sure its under Wayne gladstone. Or you could just click on the link on this page (In red where it says facebook friend)
January 5th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Trying to add you on facebook and so far i have found a black midget, a picture of what appers to be a lawyer cardboard cutout infront of a book case, a girl with big breasts in a bikini, and a trailor for a crappy movie called SlowBurn with LL Cool J. Whats the name under?
January 5th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Your song is good in concept, lyrics, etc. You failed at pulling it off, but it was a nice attempt.
Can’t say this is your best work, but it’s mildly amusing. Good to hear from you, mah man.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Telegram for Mr.Gladstone:
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Oh and Ibh, I lived in New England for 14 years and I don’t think I’ve used the phrase “mud season” once.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
4. Spend Way Too Much Time on Facebook
Thanks again for leaving me that nice birthday wall writing, Gladstone. You know, the one where you called me an unfunny jackass.
January 5th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I don’t actually suffer from depression. I mean there are people who do so I don’t want to trivialize that.
Also I put HBN on sabbatical; I never opined about my general blogging.
And the truth is, I’m not sure.
Thanks for all the love.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I don’t know whether to be annoyed that the “HBN Says Goodbye” post was the Cracked Blog equivelant to a Rolling Stones/Cher/Kiss (take your pick) “farewell tour” or relieved that I no longer feel the sentimental need to revisit the last post to make sure the spam bots don’t have the last word in the comment section.
Either way I’m glad Jack-a-Mole has you back on the payroll. You might be a mensch, but you’re OUR mensch.
On the subject of depression- With the people(Kafka) and music(Morphine) you identify with, I never would’ve guessed in a million years that you were prone to depression.
Here’s a little unsolicited advice from a person who suffers from SAD and has lived in New England her whole life:
Pace yourself dude. Pace yourself. Me, I manage to hang in there until February school vacation. And by “hang in there”, I mean by my fingernails. If you can make to what the calendar says is Spring (or “mud season” as it’s referred to by us natives) you’re golden.
…on Facebook: got suckered into creating an account by an invite from a friend I hadn’t heard from in while and haven’t been back since. Sorry
…on the the current script: Sounds like a Wayans brothers’ movie. I was expecting something a little more Woody Allen-ish. Oh well.
…on writers block: have you considered an online collaboration? The friend who contributes over at CCI mebbe?
BTW: As fun as they were, the HBN episodes were never as good as your written posts. Just my opinion.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
ach, G-stone. your general comferting glow.
shame that glow shit itself with that song,
but i dont think anybody minds. plus, if
a glow can take a shit, it cant be all that bad now can it?
January 5th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
You’re still my favourite Cracked writer/video-maker. Awesome sense of humour and outrage. Heehee. Glad ( . . . oh that is lame) you’re having fun with your attempt at a real life!
January 5th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
My world has been rocked three times today, by Gladstone, Sebadoh and Joe Cotten.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
G-Stone, I think you’re just afraid of success. You want people to think of you as a writer, not a musician. So you suppress SlowBurn’s fantastic music and show this. (I saw Slowburn once…I had no idea you were in it. In Newark? 1993?)
@Aeolian: THANK YOU for mentioning Joe Cotten…looked him up, he’s awesome…ugly fucker, but whatever. And think of this: Stripper with a Slipknot-style mask, making a guitar feedback, and hitting a keg with the guitar at the climax of the song.
January 5th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
I suspect he has been resting!
http://www.web-privacy.pro.tc
January 5th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
You have really nice stairs. That’s literally the first (and only) thing that came to mind when I watched the video, other than Oh-God-Oh-God-Gladstone-Why-Have-You-Unleashed-This-Horror? Seriously, if that’s your house, you should be proud of them because I really love those stairs.
Great article. I laughed, I cried (out of the horrible, horrible pain), and I got depressed that HBN’s done but still hopeful that you’ve showed a willingness to, every now and then, come back and grace us with your Gladstone-ness. And thanks for finally getting a new website, by the way. I just found out you wrote an article I didn’t read yet so I’m ALL OVER THAT.
January 5th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Oh Gladstone, wonderful to have you back. I enjoy your prose even more than your videos. Please come back again, soon!
January 5th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
What about those rumors that Gladstone went to Mexico and started performing in donkey shows? I heard that after he is done “performing” he says in Spanish, “that’s hate by bestiality and that’s all…for now”.
January 5th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
It’s the eyes, Gladstone.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Yay! The zoo! Can I come too? Maybe they’ll have foxes for G-Sizzle to befriend. I’m nineteen and probably go to the zoo way more often than the average kid! OK I GOTTA stop rambling…
January 5th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
you are lame… xD
but I like you because you are funny… demo, you should really try to find a life outside the internet… (o.o)
January 5th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Ariel, I have no real friends. I’m pathetic. Pathetic LIKE A FOX. A fox that has no real friends.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
it’s true, you spent WAY too much time on FB last month. When i friended you out of pity, i assumed it wasnt your actual person FB page, merely one for all you internet blog things, and that you had a different one that you used for your own real friends.
Clearly, i was wrong. So, this is me, telling you to get your ass out of your house, and do something outside, away from computers, and more importantly, pianos.
Go to the zoo. I love the zoo, you should also. so go. NOW, RUN!
January 5th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
GAH …how to spend the year is what I’m supposed to do*
January 5th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Great post! And yeah that’s nice advice… Do what you’re supposed to do… Get fit… And spend just the right amount of time on FaceBook. Yeah, I do what I’m supposed to do already… I think… If sitting half naked in front of my computer, listening to The Cure and reading a narcissist’s advice on how to spend the year. Ehm. But I do what I’m supposed to do sometimes. I look for a job and an apartment as often as I can, pwomise. And get fit, yeah I am already fit (Haha!) I’m a nineteen year old karate chick (Muhaha) But yeah I’m gonna keep on getting fitter and fitter… But I need to gain weight. I’ll have to keep on loading up on pizza and pancakes until I’m at least a hundred pounds. And I spend just the right amount of time on FaceBook! Now mister G-Sizzle (I take the liberty to name you that, like it or not) I hope you have a great 2009! Sorry I didn’t look at yer music video yet, but I will when I’m done listening to music… Sometime… Later. Again, awesome post. *Stops rambling… NOW*
January 5th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Gladstone, my man! I still have an unreasonable crush on you. ‘Ur hawt’, as the average teenyhipster would say.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Swear to god, yesterday I was thinking to myself and I wondered, “Why hasn’t anyone used Jackaroni yet?” However you made use of the ‘O’ so I guess yours is better.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
This article was quite the slow burn. Does that even make sense?
January 5th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Funny you should mention me, Dan. I just came back from a huge deficit to beat Jason Roeder by 2 points in Scrabble, so maybe I can flesh that out into a Diggable list.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
IT’S CALLED THE NIGHT, DAMN YOU, BY MORPHINE!
January 5th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Hmm…no mention of Mr. Brockway, Gladstone’s replacement blogger…
January 5th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Hey Wayne! You’re looking sexy (as usual)! Come back to Cracked and keep doing HBN! We miss you (and your sexy bedroom eyes)!
Sincerely,
Your gay following!
January 5th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
See, see? There is a reason to waste your time on Cracked. Someone who may be a guy and maybe lives somewhere in the world declares his intentions to have his way with me, assuming I am a girl and I possess full control over my motor and hindbrain functions. That is, I won’t kill and eat him and then lurch away, drooling.
Damn, I knew there was a reason I got up today. That and this crippling self-esteem issue.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Love ya Gladdy!
January 5th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
@ Greengoddess–My sources in the Thai transvestite community gave me that information, so it should be reliable. Also, props on the Jack-ism. (Do we call it that?) Are you D.O’B.’s secret muse? (Along with Glad-he’s-back-stone?
January 5th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
More fuel for my conspiracy theory that Jack O’Brien does not exist.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Even though my kegels clenched with joy when I saw this post, I must agree with DOB — I can’t handle the emotional roller coaster! We need you back for good G-stoner (are you listening “Jack-My-Bitch-Up” O’Brien?).
Also, you got hotter, so what’s with all the clothes?
@Res_Ipsa: I read the whole thing and I’m thinkin’ you’re right…
January 5th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I feel so ashamed. I loved the song. LOVED IT with an unholy passion. Admittedly I also love Sebadoh, Hole, Sleetmute Nightmute and Belle and Sebastian. And Joe Cotten, you should look him up, he rocks. But seriously. If you did this without knowing how to play piano, for the love of God don’t learn to play piano, ’cause this is just too awesome. It’s like a Beatles song, but better than any Beatles song ever. Except for “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” and “Come Together.” Hire a stripper to emphasize significant points, get a guitarist to do melodic feedback backing (hint: I’m looking for a job) and get a dude in a mask to hit a keg with a baseball bat and you’re set.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Based purely what what she wrote, I want to have sex with Clara.
I, of course, refer to her writing her name “Clara”. That makes me think she’s a girl.
That’s the type of feedback you want on your articles G’stone isn’t it? Just people saying they would have sex with other people? Yeah?
January 5th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I’m beginning to wonder whether Jack O’Brien is a real guy, or the expectations of all the Cracked writers on what their boss would be like made manifest into a metaphysical entity through sheer will alone.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
So when you say to “do what your no supposed to do” does that include comimg to work to sit on cracked and read your article? You know, instead of cashing out my drawers, billing customers and actually helping clients than come in the door? I mean boobs only give them something to distract them for so long before they are like “hey… where are my prints”? If that’s the case then i guess I’m spot on for the new year. Thanks for giving my something to do to drstract me from the work day
January 5th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I thought you left. I can’t handle this emotional roller coaster. I swear to God, if Jason Roeder publishes his “8 Things Jason Roeder and Ian Cooper Have Done Over the Last 11 Months,” then I’m just gonna shit myself, I’m not even kidding.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I didn’t think it was possible, but you’re even funnier in print!
January 5th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Faboo. Does this mean more writing in the future? It’s been FOREVER since we got a steady diet of Gladstone prose.
Also, since you’re begging for someone to demand it, I demand you put some SlowBurn music online.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Oh friends, not these tones! Let us sing more cheerful songs, And more joyful joy. Beautiful spark of God Daughter of Elysium, We enter drunk with fire
January 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
definitely into doing the things I have no business doing.
also into hot flight attendents named Bambi.
G-Stone can do no wrong.
He should have Dr. Phil type show.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Great article Gladstone, and good luck with your screenplay. I am procrastinating myself this very minute.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:48 am
God it’s great you’re back! I kind of expected this dramatic return sooner or later, but admittedly, it has been a long wait. A certain spirit has been missing from the blog ever since you left…even DOB’s columns sound as if he stopped funking to the Wu Tang and started spinning radiohead’s videotape over and over, thinking of you and sobbing softly.
Anyhow, I find your writing very enjoyable and more workplace-friendly than video streaming, which sometimes loads and sometimes doesn’t. Welcome back and keep up the good work!
January 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
What are those bars doing there? Are you in prison?
January 5th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Please please write some more self indulgent twaddle. It is comedy gold.
I have no wish to read Cracked formatted lists any more, it is killing me. They’re funny, sure, but organised and responsibly shared out funny. It is funny but be back before 10 funny.
They’re the Mary Poppins of funny. I want crack whore sleeping in her own filth funny.
Not to say that’s funny in itself. But I want rambling funny.
It occurs to me Dante wrote a list about some circles of hell. Just a thought.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:21 am
“Wait, wait, I know how this happen.”
I mean “how this happened.” Damn it.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am
You’re . . . you’re back?! Or are you just being a tease? Wait, wait, I know how this happen. I can see through this chary facade. I know exactly what happened. You had it all. Fame, massive amounts of coke (dealer contacts), and a Transylvanian transvestite hooker named “Draculita.” But once you quit Cracked.com, the legions of under-aged Facebook groupie girls started wondering why they were still giving you handjobs in the back alleys. After all, you no longer a massive blogging superstar; you were more like a suave hobo who sometimes wrote things. You began to fret. Ever since your wife had found that bizarre mix of dead hooker limbs and fetuses in your basement (and did not believe you when you told her that D.O’B. had just came over to make some goulash and had to leave for a moment), she had been informing you via pepper spray that conjugal relationships were to be discontinued. You needed those sweet, sweet underage handjobs. You spiraled out of control, your addiction slowly consuming you. You blew all your money on trans-Pacific flights to Bangkok, searching for the Asian equivalent of Draculita (who was among the goulash ingredients). Having exhausted your funds, alienating your family by charging them for the pleasure of your company, and selling the cute hippie neighbor kids for spare cash, you went back to Jack. Jack, you knew, could provide you with the proper forum to make a glorious comeback, with all the perks it entails. Will this be your One Hundred Days, Gladstone? Will Swaim, trying to establish once and for all his video dominance, play the Duke of Wellington to your Napoleon? Or is this your Road to Damascus conversion, where you shave your head and declare your undying allegiance to a comedy site that is roughly 30% about D.O’B’s abs and/or reproductive organs? (The rest, of course, being about boobs.)
Well, whatever else I or anyone else may say, I will say that I experienced unfettered, unadulterated and unmolested joy when I saw this article. And I’m sure everyone else who is not a kitten molester will as well.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Nice to see you back Gladstone. I hope you keep writing, much funnier than your videos in my opinion.
Then again, maybe it’s just because it’s so easy to get lost in those eyes…
January 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Thanks for the update Gladstone, it’s nice to hear that someone has a life away from this dump…I sure as hell don’t.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Why have you kidnapped DOB? And how much do you want for him?
January 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am
oh good i missed gladstone. i hope this is just not a 1 time thing
January 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am
No mention of your plans to attend the Burning Man festival?…cause there’s no hiding your love of hippies. I know there’s a fuckload of henna under that suit.