5 Major Ways That Fantasy Movies And Porn Overlap

5 The Unlikely Hero Is Their Bread And Butter

Any fantasy worth its salt must include a hero. You need a character who will journey to achieve a goal, and you want him to be relatable and likable in some way. And to make it more interesting, he's usually a hero who doesn't belong in the hero role. He's the unlikely hero, the reluctant hero. Consider Bilbo Baggins. When should anyone whose name rhymes with Dildo, who won't shut the fuck up about snacks, and who has the physique of a toddler ever be heroic? Seems rather implausible, really. Thus, fantasy is born.

In the world of porn, the hero is just as unlikely as in fantasy and before you even pause to consider what that might mean, please direct your attention to Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy is the Bilbo Baggins of porn, plucked from the Shire by otherworldly forces and sent on a mission to tap all the ass.

It's been said by greater thinkers than me that no one wants to see the man in a porno. The man in porno is a placeholder for the man watching porno. And if that porn hero is too good at what he does, if he's too handsome and too perfect with too mighty a dong, then a man like me will not be able to engage in that wish-fulfillment fantasy that I'm there having meaningless, cold sex with a stranger. The hero of my porn needs to look like Ron Jeremy so that I feel better about how I look like a garbage bag full of pudding and hair clippings from a dog groomer. If Ron Jeremy can have sex with a beautiful woman, I can probably arrange for that to happen one day as well. Ron is my Bilbo. Sex is my Lonely Mountain. I will make it there, even if I need Orlando Bloom's help.

When Ron Jeremy is not available, then I need an everyman who reminds me of me. Once upon a time, this was just a pizza guy, who came to deliver a pizza with extra sausage and was confronted by a cash-strapped, voraciously hungry damsel who quickly came up with a plan to pay for that pie. Later, it came to be any blue-collar schlub who could swap places with you in a second. Not every hero wears a cape. Sometimes, they wear nothing.

4 Simple People Stumble Into Heroics

Consider Harry Potter's origins: a simple, down-on-his-luck orphan being raised by shitheel relatives. He's no one special. Hell, he wears glasses. What kind of hero or potential prom queen would ever wear glasses? It's silly is what it is. And look at Bilbo and Frodo, they're Hobbits for god's sake. They're dirty, shoeless hippies. Look at the Stark kids from Game Of Thrones: a tomboy, a girly girl, a kid who gets pushed out of a window, and a bastard who gets to spend his life living inside an iceberg with criminals. Quite the pedigree. Fantasy heroes, by and large, come from simple stock and grow into their heroics like a boner growing into frame. Segue!

Like a boner growing into frame, the setup for a porn hero is often subtly magical. The unassuming Bang Bus in which a man, his driver, and a camera man are just driving around town when, oh my gosh, a lady eager to hump in exchange for travel appears! If MILF porn is your thing, then young 20-something Johnny comes over to his friend's mansion to hang out, only his friend isn't there. But his insatiably horny and not-super-maternal stepmom is! And then, of course, there are cab rides, job interviews, cable-repair appointments, and easily corruptible Mormons.

Porn and fantasy need a simple setup to make the fantastical ending more fantastical. If the porno started by introducing you to a stupefyingly handsome guy who already has an orifice attached to his tallywhacker, you're not going to be super overwhelmed when he later does the exact same thing. Much like Harry Potter would be less impressive to you if he started the series by shitting fireballs at his jackhole of a cousin.

They're simple people who happened to be in the right place at the right time. And then fucking and/or magic happens.

3 They Both Use Side Quests -- Just In Different Ways

Harry Potter can't just roll up on Voldemort and be all "Your shoe's untied" and then when Voldemort looks down, Harry jams Ron so far up He Whose Ass Must Not Be Jammed's that his lungs shoot out of that weird nose nubby thing he has. I obviously would have paid to see that, but it would have been a really short story. No, Harry needed to make his way to the final battle, and that included a lot of side jobs like learning to play Squidwich, getting that horsehair wand of his, and stealing Willow's gold. Not to mention all the side stuff with Mungbean Merpfeather and Pertytwat Chumwaffle and the many other classic characters.

Just as Merry and Pippin got waylaid when they had sex with that tree, or how 99 percent of World Of Warcraft works, the side quest is there to bolster the main quest and pad out the run time so you feel like you got your money's worth. More adventure equals more fun and you can take that to the bank. The sperm bank! No, don't take it there. But do follow along as I now discuss sperm.

The porn side quest is very much like the fantasy side quest. The hero has a goal, but to get there, he needs to accomplish a secondary goal. In this case, suppose our hero's main goal is some kind of splashy facial-type scenario, which is a common finishing move in the realm of adult-themed, rushed-physical-romance videos. The side quest, of course, is when the two companions spontaneously reposition themselves for doggy style. Doggy style is porn's Treebeard. It's Atreyu going to see Morla, that big-ass, lazy turtle. Now picture someone in porn saying "Not that it matters, but hump me!" in his old-ass, turtle voice. Gross, right? Gross.

But the porn side quest comes in all kinds of flavors, not just changing positions. The best friend walks in and decides to join. The woman answers the phone while in the middle of a specific perversion. The husband comes home and aaaalllmost catches his wife fucking a burglar. Or six burglars.

The more side quests you can pump and/or jam into a story, the better, so long as they're all ushering you towards the final quest fulfillment. If there was a side quest in Lord Of The Rings about Sam making a music video with Corey Feldman, that'd be some weird shit that wasn't necessary, just like if in a porno, they paused to have ham and eggs. But so long as it's in the generally accepted plot line -- you fight a dragon or you do that weird thing where you have sex standing up that hurts your back if you try it in real life which you shouldn't do because we just established this is basically as believable as dragons, then you're OK.

2 Sidekicks Are As Important As The Hero

They say it takes a village to Google the end of that saying and we don't have time for that because we're on a quest. You and me! You're my sidekick. No wait, that's unfair. I'll be your sidekick. I'll carry a backpack full of delicious ham and fiery swords. I'm your Huckleberry.

The sidekick is pretty essential in any fantasy story and often there's just an assload of them running all holus-bolus, making shit happen. The Lord Of The Rings has so many sidekicks that everyone's thighs must be bruised to hell thanks to all those boots a-flying. Sam is clearly Frodo's sidekick, but also Merry and Pippin, and in some ways, Frodo is Gandalf's sidekick. And Legolas and Gimli are Aragorn's sidekicks and even slimy Grima Wormtongue is Saruman's sidekick. There's so much sidekicking, it's like a Van Damme movie, y'all.

You need a sidekick in a fantasy movie to temper your own experience. In moments of doubt, the sidekick gives you strength. When all seems lost, a good sidekick will make a weighty sacrifice for his buddy. It's all heartwarming and shit. A sidekick is there to give you that boost to float you to the end and achieve success. They're basically a handjob.

Porn fits the sidekick aspect of fantasy so well it's multifaceted. There are levels of porn sidekickery. In the more diffuse and metaphorical sense, handjobs really are your sidekicks. So are buttplugs. Strap ons. Slightly greasy plantains. Any sort of add-on that shows up to make the porn a little spicier and/or damp. These things help the hero reach his or her goal which is, of course, spoogerama.

Going slightly deeper (get it? Get what I did with the porn and the "deeper?"), there are just literal sidekicks in porn, actual other people who need to be tossed in to help you get the most bang for your buck. Or fuck, whatever. So from the helpful fluffer who aids your erections offscreen, to a friend to high five in the midst of a DP, there are other bodies in the mix who make achieving your goal way less difficult. Because, honestly, how are you going to finish that DP scene alone? You're not, buddy. I don't give a shit how heroic you are.

1 The Climax. Heh.

The final battle of any decent fantasy is so pornographic, you should have tissues at the ready at all times. AT ALL TIMES! Here's a quick rundown for those who remain unconvinced;

Return Of The King: Gandalf the White rides out to save riders being attacked by winged Nazgul. He approaches and a stream of white brilliance bursts forth. The winged beasts reel back, blinded as it takes them full in the face! IN THE FACE!

Harry Potter: Harry and Buttface square off as Harry, biting his lip and girding himself, blasts a massive load of splashy, liquidy energy at his enemy. It spatters like hot grease in a pan and eventually, Harry simply grabs hold of Voldemort's wand as well as his own. He's double fisting! Voldemort opens wide and lets out a strangled moan as he is vanquished. He disintegrates, right in the face. IN THE FACE!

The Last Unicorn: The villainous Red Bull is forced into the frothy, white surf. Wave after wave splashes about him, and he is vanquished. IN THE FACE!

The Wizard Of Oz: The Witch takes a massive splash from Dorothy. Guess where? IN THE FACE! This shit has been going on since before mainstream porn existed.

Now I don't know if you've ever watched one of those porns, but in the porns, what they like to do is let you know the show is over by having one of the participants hose off one of the other participants, typically Wicked Witch-style right in the kisser. And sometimes, it'll be on the back, or one of those internal deals that requires what I assume is called a "dribble take." But rest assured, you know it's done when there's a discernible blast radius. It's like twins, man.

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Fantasy movies might basically be pornos, but we recommend that you don't stick this magical phallic object anywhere that it doesn't belong.

For more check out Evil Ideas We Accept In Fantasty Movies (And Nowhere Else) and 6 Horrifying Implications of Awesome Fantasy Movie Universes.

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