Cracked Columnists

What to Expect When Your Ex Is Expecting

Pregnancy Lifestyle

Obviously for her this means lots of vitamins and some fad diet like cottage cheese with locusts. The rest is not for you to see, but surely it involves her overlooking a summer field. Suddenly, her husband appears behind her to run his hands protectively over the full belly they have made. Yes, it's paradise, and this is a good world -- a strange world where this child is not yours, but a good world -- that will teach us to grow strong and bright. And happiness -- oh, so much happiness.

Polka Dot Images/Polka Dot/Getty Images
So much God fucking damn happiness.

Balance is key in a pregnancy, so be the yin to her yang! Do the opposite of whatever she does -- start by drinking for two. Is she doing yoga to keep her body flexible? Well then you have to compress your thoughts into a tiny ball and never, ever let them breathe. Is she moving on with her life? Then you date more coeds than you ever did in college in a desperate attempt to hang on to the past!

Cravings

It is quite common to experience strange cravings during pregnancy. You will likely go mad with desire to touch, just one more time, her maiden's body. Alas, it is sacrificed to her new life. There are plenty of odd remedies for this dark and reaching hunger!

Some men find relief in comfort foods like pickles and ice cream. Others sate their strange urges by dating a woman who could be her twin. Still more cackle madly in the night, knowing that all chance of happiness is gone, and their choice now is to settle for less or wander the Earth in a haunted charade of life. You should find a method that works for you and not worry too much about looking like a big old silly-billy. Perhaps you can start keeping a rage journal? Remember, you can't spell "cravings" without "ravings"!

Digital Vision/Photodisc/Getty
But don't get bitter. Nobody likes a bitter ex.

Anyway, you can relax knowing that she will put baby's health first and eat plenty of that ol' folic acid, which is apparently an acid that fetuses are immune to, like they're goddamn Superman or something.

She should also get plenty of exercise and not stay on the couch chomping FUNYUNS while tears roll down her cheeks and she masturbates to that sex tape you two made one summer because it's the only way she can feel desire anymore. That would be unhealthy behavior even for a full-grown man!

If, rather than love, you crave violence, try directing it inward. Stand in front of a mirror, punching yourself until you no longer recognize the voice shrieking "You're a LOSER!" as your own. If you don't own a mirror, or have a pretty face, hit something else -- perhaps a clown? When you punch a clown, the clown's nose squeaks real good.

Also, and this is just a thought: Have you considered that the problem is you? Destroy anything that reminds you of this fact.

Delivery

The day has arrived! O, happy event! Soon the baby will be expelled from her vagina with the force of a Super Bowl touchdown pass and life will assert itself in a bloody baptism of poop.

Digital Vision/Photodisc/Getty; Francisco Goya
Another victory for God's finest creation!

Adding to the fun is morphine on tap, which you could really go for right now, but of course you can't be there to see any of this. You're home, oblivious, confused by how seven seasons later you still aren't sure if you actually enjoy Burn Notice. And then you see the Facebook update.

Yes, it's been a wearying, emotional day for all. But you cannot stay in that dark, warm, safe emotional place where you began. It is time to exeunt.

Afterbirth

Holy cow! Did you see that? Her body just, like ... expelled an entire organ. Now the placenta lies there, pulsing weakly like a dying heart. Some people eat the placenta for strength. Others plant it beneath a tree because they're not complete psychos. Still other, slightly more civilized people hire a woman to dehydrate the placenta and turn it into pills to combat depression. But for you, I recommend gin. It fights sadness by making a man mean, and in your case, that's a calmer state.

Digital Vision/Photodisc/Getty; Nicolas Poussin
A great many of us were conceived by gin, nourished by gin, and enabled by gin.

In fact, this inability to let go ... this is your problem. You can't choose unhappiness and then blame other people for enjoying life.

Postpartum

Well, the hard part's over now. There's naught left but to take baby home. Many sleepless nights await the parents of a newborn, and also await you, who wake in the dead, bleak hours to a house of total silence.

Digital Vision/Photodisc/Getty; Alfred Kubin

Many new mothers report an inexplicable depression. You may feel something like this as you ponder losing the world to the next generation. Where her husband has been raised above space and time and begun the long and happy process of accepting Death, you have merely stared Her in the eye socket and known Her hunger.

Photos.com/Photos.com/Getty Images
That's right. Death's a lady. What are you, sexist?

Use this quiet time to accept that things are over and there are many deaths. Time to kill your old identity and become someone else. Time to plot big moves and seek new frontiers. Time to do things you never could have done before. No, I don't mean shooting heroin, that is a step backward and you know that.

Beyond

Now that baby is safely swaddled and tucked at home, you have to consider your future, and the lack thereof. Wish them well, turn your back in politesse from this scene, and hover on the past no more.

'Tis time to seek new and better frontiers. Time to dash your hopes on the shoals of reality and build new dreams from the flotsam. Time to become one of those rich old guys who dates highly motivated younger women they will never connect with emotionally.

Oh, who are you kidding? You'll never be rich.

But you will soar higher, even though you don't want to. It may feel like a betrayal of your own pain and feelings, but it's going to happen no matter how much you fight it, so you might as well embrace it. Personal growth is like gravity. Everybody resists it, but it happens anyway. Take the fall. And maybe one day an angel will catch you and exalt you above this world.


Brendan likes dark humor, bright futures, and long walks on the beach. This is probably why he can't find a girlfriend.

Brendan pondered self-reinvention before with The Ultimate Breaking Bad Infographic and The 5 Most Ridiculous Attempts to Reinvent Superheroes.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Brendan McGinley

  • Rss

More by Brendan McGinley:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

232 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!