What to Expect When Expecting (in the Village of the Damned)

I've Forgotten Everything But Sadness. My Husband Weeps in the Attic at Night. His Gun Is Missing.

Great question, new moms! Hey, husbands, even though your wife is technically the one carrying the baby, you're both pregnant now, and you have a huge responsibility to help her any way you can. Right now she's going through a storm of emotions and impulses thanks to all those hormones; she's feeling for two now! Help make her as comfortable as possible, remind her she's beautiful and find a healthy combination of honesty and compassion.

Sure, you feel a little left out since the baby isn't technically yours, but remember that Jesus was born under the same circumstances. Imagine if Jesus never had a human father to teach him not to push people off of roofs with his mind.

The Bible could have been very different.

And though your wife's fertilization from pure, apathetic evil severely undercuts the argument for an omnipotent God, you could say that your child -- and the collective hive mind with which it will soon meld into a superweapon -- is powerful enough to be godlike, so in a very terrible sense, your spouse is giving birth to a miracle. Now get off your duffs, dads! Your wife and that team of government scientists aren't going to raise this alien baby alone!*

*Not technically true. You are unessential in the success of this endeavor.

It Is Done. I Turned to Science and Asked Why, But There Were No Answers, So Now I Turn to Heaven for Protection. Protection Against My Own Child.

After childbirth, every mom reacts differently, so don't beat yourself up because you're not feeling the "right" emotions. In fact, some moms claim that the first year of having a child is even harder than giving birth. If you feel sad or lethargic, it's important to determine whether you are suffering from postpartum depression or if you're just regular depressed because your kid is using his eyes to kill all your friends. If it's the latter, then you've landed squarely in what is arguably the toughest part of being a parent: disciplining your child, specifically with capital punishment.

Spare the rod, etc., etc.

The silver lining to the task of trying to end your own lineage before it ends you is that, one way or another, it will be over soon. Plus, you'll never have to worry about those terrible teen years (driving! dates! ugh!).

Now shield your mind to pity, to maternal instinct, to the prying red eyes of your offspring. Steel yourself. You have trained for this. Be gentle, but be firm with your punishment, and don't back down from it. Choose a method that matches your strength -- mothers really do know best.

Although exploding your baby to death with dynamite has proven to work well in the other colonies.

Good luck. Thousands of families are praying for you to succeed. But, you know, real families.

You can follow Soren on Twitter or Tumblr. Children are not welcome.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Soren Bowie

  • Rss

More by Soren Bowie:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!