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What to Expect When Expecting (in the Village of the Damned)

Hello and congratulations, expectant moms of Midwich! The decision to start a family can be one of the scariest, but also one of the most rewarding choices you will ever make. And for those of you who had no choice at all because you were inseminated by an alien mist while you were unconscious at the local fair a month ago, you'll be giving birth no matter what, so try to make the most of all the exciting and beautiful (and sometimes even embarrassing!) parental milestones that lie ahead of you. On behalf of our little family over here at the Defense Intelligence Agency and Office of Special Investigations, we want to personally say just how happy we are for you and your husband [if applicable].

Over the next nine months, you'll probably find yourself wondering just what to expect when you're expecting, because pregnancies, like fingerprints, are all a little different. We've created this helpful guide from conception to postpartum to help keep you informed and to ensure that you maintain what we like to call "Your Three Hs": happiness, health and a satisfactory state of hydration to facilitate standard parturition. But above all else, don't forget to have fun! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Take a moment every now and then to check in with your body and just enjoy the new sensations of your pregnancy because it will fly by so quickly that before you know it, that little bun in your oven will grow into a living, breathing child. Probably a soulless telepathic one that you'll have to blow up in a barn.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Naturally, you have a lot of questions, so let's get to them! The first of which is almost certainly:

Ahhhh! Please, No! Get It Out of Me!

We're glad you asked. Babies usually have a nine-month gestation period, although it's not uncommon for birth to occur up to three weeks before or after that due date. In the later months leading up to the delivery, it's perfectly normal for a mother to feel uneasy about her relationship to the new life inside her. While a woman will generally concentrate on the positive aspects of a pregnancy in daily conversation, she will at times feel as though she is a host to some small parasite that is devouring her core. What is only a passing and private terror for most mothers is a fairly accurate description of your personal pregnancy.

That alien knows what it's doing in there -- eating away your substance.

If you start feeling as though your baby is a foreign body sucking the life out of your insides, try to remember that your altruism and nurturing spirit can only have a positive effect on the baby when it's born. By acknowledging now that your relationship is symbiotic and that you are earning love in exchange for your nutrient-rich blood, you stand a better chance of teaching your baby empathy and the value of human connection. That will go a long way toward dissuading your child from murdering you years from now when it discovers the power of mind control.

Nonononono. Oh God, It's Changing Me, I Can Feel It.

Fun fact: Did you know that a woman's body will change more in the nine months of pregnancy than it will the rest of her life? Even puberty is no match for the moment your pelvis separates in preparation for childbirth, like the unhinged jaws of a snake. You are carrying precious cargo now, and your body will restructure itself to protect and pass that little life inside you. That means you're in for some weird (sometimes hilarious!) changes.

You may notice that you start producing excess saliva during the first trimester. This is a completely normal, if somewhat bizarre, side effect of pregnancy. As is a metallic taste you'll sometimes get, like you've been sucking on pocket change. Both are a result of overflowing hormones, but nothing to worry about.

You may also notice some intense, somewhat silly urges, like the need to eat tuna fish with ketchup, or increased sexual desire at inopportune moments, or the sudden impulse to submerge your whole arm into a cauldron of boiling chicken stock.

Motherhood!

While most of these are harmless idiosyncrasies of pregnancy, it's important to note that boiling your arm or any other act of self-mutilation is bad for you, and bad for the baby. What you're most likely experiencing is your embryo testing its influence over you. That's why you should invest some time now in building a mental wall against your baby's best efforts to force you into painful suicide. Its powers will only grow once it's free of the womb, so there's no reason not to start practicing right now for being a mom! The thought of waves crashing on a beach has shown some empirical success in our limited studies of the other colonies, but even picturing a brick wall will generally have the same effect of counteracting your child's relentless efforts to destroy you.

Unless the skull starts glowing. Then you're probably doomed.

Oh, and be forewarned, your ankles are going to swell right up! You may need some new shoes, because pregnancy will add girth to more than just your waistline. Although it may feel like it, this is not fat; it's just the additional body fluid associated with pregnancy. Some of the mothers we spoke with called it "Pregnant PMS" or "Puffy Mama Syndrome!" Haha!

But they're long dead now.

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Soren Bowie

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