Some of you may recall that a few months ago, for reasons known only to myself, I wrote multiple posts on the then-upcoming Olympics in Beijing in which I made reference to assorted political issues in China, and may have repeatedly suggested that all Asians look the same and are crafty. The combination of topical political commentary and hate-speech proved particularly unpopular with Cracked readers, and I sort of backed away from that for awhile, turning my attention towards loftier journalistic pursuits. Well, those days are over, because fuck you guys, I’m writing about the Olympics.
The biggest event of every Olympics that isn’t Men’s Floor Gymnastics, is of course the Opening Ceremonies. The Opening Ceremonies are sort of like a longer Super Bowl half time show, only featuring a few more children of the world wearing bright primary colors. Also there’s usually no aging rock artist performing a medley of their biggest hits. Every opening ceremony also has a theme, usually something wishy-washy, like “Achieve” or “Bloating.” The theme this year was: “China is Awesome, Bitches.” First, every single segment of the ceremony featured thousands upon thousands of dancers moving in perfect lockstep. The sheer quantity of performers underlined the fact that no-one’s as good at throwing thousands of Chinese people at a problem like the Chinese are. On top of that, several of the dances and segments boasted of great inventions the Chinese are evidently laying claim too, like fireworks, bamboo, and children.
Along with their prodigious own-horn-blowing, the Chinese have also set out to ensure that these Olympics will have the best atmosphere ever, and have been providing locals with cheering lessons. Evidently officials were worried that the traditionally reserved Chinese fans would dampen the mood of the games. I found this surprising, as everything I’ve heard about Chinese audiences suggests they can’t watch sports without screaming and clenching betting slips in their fists.
In terms of the actual sports, the biggest story to date is probably the American swim team beating the French in one of the thousands of swimming events that have taken place. This was more than just a typical heartwarming, fuck-the-French story that always gets a lot of airplay every Olympics - prior to the race, the star French swimmer, who I’m imagining had an unlit Gitane dangling loosely from the side of his mouth at the time, taunted the American swimmers, and promised that the French would smash them. This incident naturally got most Americans pretty riled up, and is believed to be what precipitated the only known instance of Bob Costas screaming “Eat my ass France!” on network television.
Also, what the fuck is up with the ridiculous number of swimming events? Do we really need all these strokes? Just to recap, there’s the fast way to swim, and three slow ways. Why do they all get a dozen medaled events each? There aren’t separate medals for throwing javelins with your off-hand or bobsledding while half in the bag, so why the swimmers get hundreds of extra medals for swimming slowly is beyond me. Imagine the 100 meter sprint, only every competitor had to use a different funny walk from that old Monty Python sketch, and the whole thing is set to banjo music. That’s basically what the 100m butterfly looks like to me.
The main concern from before the games, the possibility of protesters bringing both their terrible odors and great shame to China, hasn’t been much of an issue yet. I gather there’s been a few smallish protests, but no major brou-ha-has. The biggest worry for the Chinese was the possibility of an athlete with a protest sign or waving a Tibetan flag during the Opening Ceremonies. It didn’t happen, so we’ll never know how the Chinese would have reacted to it, but I’d like to imagine 30 guys dressed like this falling upon a Norwegian cyclist and just kicking his guts in.
The feeling of these games are quite different from any others I can recall. With the boastful opening ceremonies, the micromanaged cheering, the 40 or 50 gold medals China had already won as I write this, and the nervous energy underlying everything else, one gets the impression that as far as the Chinese are concerned, these Olympics are the most important thing to ever happen to them. It’s their sweet sixteen, their first kiss, and their senior prom all rolled into one. They’re wearing a dress they sewed themselves, and Freddie Prinze Jr. is crossing the room towards them. China, you’ll be a woman soon…
This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 12th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under China, Olympics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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May 20th, 2009 at 7:28 am
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December 10th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
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November 21st, 2008 at 2:14 am
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October 3rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Hello. And Bye.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I wish I could have seen the opening ceremonies for this year in person. They were so amazing. The Chinese know how to party . . . I love it.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=5
August 18th, 2008 at 4:42 am
Why must you constantly berate China about the buck toothed girl? Its their olympics so let them do what they want, just as long as its not illegal. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy. SO ENJOY!!
August 16th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Oh, because it is abject proof, that multiple Chinese Giv’t agencies have given multiple ages for the same girls, and when it came to it, suddenly they all had correct ages…the teeth thing was said by beta karolyi, who should know becuase in the 1970s he coached underage girls in the olympics for romania (pretty much the same set-up)…but the thing is the age limit is to help the girls develop properly and be able to function nicely when they get too old for gymnastics
yes americans doped but fessed up after a while…and they were lambasted at home and treated like tards…in china they were heroes to the motherland
August 16th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Metalbrainsurgery: How does the teeth thing help? I mean, I’m 26, and I still have my baby teeth (aside from three of them, anyway).
August 16th, 2008 at 9:48 am
[...] and smart sites around nowadays - is an expletive-filled rant about the Beijing Olympics, “What the Olympics Really Mean to China.” Look for the hilarious bit about the American swim team killing the cocky French [...]
August 16th, 2008 at 8:28 am
I heard that the olympic stadium is nowhere near being filled for the games, so they’ve had to rope in local students to flesh out the crowd. Picture this…
“Students, we need you at Tiananmen Square!!!…. no no it won’t be like last time, we promise”
August 16th, 2008 at 1:33 am
I think it is funny that “WE AMERICANS”….upset the Chinese so badly, In fact that is the whole problem….they are pissed that we not only have freedom to raise our children ourselves (without being taken to sport camps against their will…..) and that we are still GOOD without such harsh actions like that. I would rather be FAT and BEAUTIFUL….rather than BONEY and UGLY……HELL I CAN DIET!!!!…..and FYI there is NO CURE FOR THE UGLY…..BECAUSE YOU COUNTRY HAS MADE YOU UGLY NOT ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE BY STARVING YOU BUT ON THE INSIDE BY SUCH HARSH ACTIONS OF TREATMENT FROM THE VERY POWER THAT SHOULD BE MAKING YOUR COUNTRY A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE!!!!!!
SO I CLOSE WITH——->***IF YOUR ASS WAS SOOOOOOOO HAPPY IN YOUR COUNTRY AND YOU WERE COMPLETE THERE……YOUR ASSES WOULDN’T BE ALL UP IN OUR COUNRTY****!!!
IF YOUR MAD PROJECT IT WHERE IT IS NEEDED….AT YOUR FREAKING SO CALLED GOVERMENT!
GO HOME FILE A COMPLAINT OR PRODUCE MORE CHILDREN FOR YOUR GOVERMENT SPORTS CAMPS!!!!!!!!!
LMAO AT YOU AND YOUR COUNTRY…..JOKES ON YOU !!!!!!!
OH AND IF I HAVE SPELLED ANYTHING WRONG ……….MY BAD I WAS TRY-N TO FINISH MY DOUBLE MEAT CHEESEBURGER WHILE MY FRENCH FRIES RESTED ON MY DOUBLE-D’S AND TALKING TO MY HUSBAND WHO WORKS FOR “BUDWEISER”!!!!!lmaolmaolmao!!!
August 15th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
@mickymick
Ejay, shut up, you are no expert on US history. Why don’t you stick to the retched history of that sinking shithole of a penal colony you call home.
>>You’re a dumb ahole mick.. at least i know more of your history than you are. Dont you even know how you america started? i guess you dont study it in your schools, ei? theres something we call wikipedia you know. give it a shot.
@nakedape
Ejay; This is not about Race or racial pride. This is about oppressive murderous governments and the whiney little bitches like you and France who go around trying to smooth over every evil with your gay love and your lets all take it in the rear to avoid more violence attitude. I guess when America removed an oppressive dictator and brought freedom to Iraq (at great expense to ourselves), to you were all just murderers. But when Russia murders innocent civilians of a free nation, to you that’s just a little misunderstanding (a feud as you called it).
>> If this is not about race then why most of the guys here cuss each others origins, ei? We humans, learn from years of experience. - through history. Governments have changed from one accepted form to another. Democracy is viewed from one majority’s idea of perfect and peace at that time. Even todays much accepted democracy have problems. We still see riots, rallies, war against their own government. US have a lot, people in China even go to rallies, we have people going out to the streets here in aus as well. We were never content as humans. We slowly let cultural revolution take place hoping that someday the form of government would be suitable.
Let commies be commies, imperialists be imperialists, be socialists be socialists, democrats be democrats.. It isnt gay if people ask to just stop and accept everyone’s differences. We call it peace.
Thats what every government long for, thats what every religion is all about. To have peace and equality.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Most people I know from China are actually from Hong Kong. I’ve never really met anyone living here who was born and raised in a mainland province.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:26 am
females got fuckin uber pwned. dont show your face ’round these parts no mo
August 15th, 2008 at 7:01 am
The Chinese are basically using the Olympics as an excuse to show the world how much they kick ass, and also to attempt to disguise the fact they’re totalitarian racists. As for the Chinese posting here, no offense, but if you were raised in China, you don’t count in any China arguments because of the HUGE amount of brainwashing you have experienced, even if you now live outside of China, your still influenced by the propaganda, ie: You see the world through Red colored glasses. Again no offense, but that’s like a Nazi weighing into a debate on how Jews should be treated, your biased.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Dick Nixon, I don’t know if you’ll read it all the way down here, but you are AWESOME. Zu and Jang? Funniest thing I’ve read in ANY comment section. Ever.
August 14th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
[...] that there are 34 medals awarded to swimmers, apparently up from 28 in the 1968 Mexico City games. Cracked.com’s Chris Bucholz says it [...]
August 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
??? I’ve tried to analyse the ‘really really for sure bizarre anecdote’ comment, and I’ve just lost the will to bother.
Also, the penis on your forehead doesn’t count.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Ahh! I get it. They had baby teeth. That reminds me of a “This is Spinal Tap” song:
“You’re sweet
but you’re just four feet,
and you still got your baby teeth.
You’re too young
and I’m too well hung,
Tonight I’m gonna rock you”
I love the sweet savor of satire.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Really bizarre anecdote? Are you sure you don’t mean “like really really for sure bizarre anecdote”?
August 14th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
@Bonzai-No she dumped me because my penis was too large and a boy from oz was more suitable for her.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
no no, they had all their teeth, but their teeth were the teeth of children.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Metalbrainsurgery,
I don’t get it. First, they don’t let a “buck tooth” girl sing on stage, and then, they let missing teeth girls compete. Can’t they pick a standard, no matter how vain, and go with it?!? I thought you could count on a communist’s unflappable consistency.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Honorable Hibachi “China Ftw” Wu:
Congratulations China! You’ve finally unseated France as “Most Insecure Nation”!!
Our message to you: Let us love you, dammit.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:44 am
@ wiglaf, yes they are cheating with age. Their womens gymnastics team were almost all underage.
You could tell by looking at their teeth (im serious). No mater how else the rest of your body ages you can determine someones age by looking at their teeth, because the way they develop through adolecence. Those girls were no older than 13.
I work in a dental labratory and spend all day around teeth so yes I do know what I am talking about.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:36 am
No but you could be more of the fat guy who works in the local comic shop.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I love the Olympics and every other spectator sport. I just sit on my lazy ass taking credit for the athletic accomplishments of people who have nothing to do with me in anyway. Oh gee, the guy who one that medal for running fast is a black American, I’m a black American too, so that must mean my fat as can run fast too. That medal belongs to me as much as it does to him. Yea! I’m a retard! I’ll just do nothing with my life and take credit for the accomplishments of steroid addled fucktards who happened to be of my race or my nationality. Could I be more of a worthless government school educated worker drone. I don’t think so!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Also that joke sounded more like a really bizarre anecdote than anything.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Ah, so the girlfriend who studied in Oz for a year dumped you via email for an Aussie stud?
August 14th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Do you know an Austrailians fave place to meet women?
At a family reunion.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Ai-yi-yi! They’re games people. Get your heads out of your asses and join us in the real world where the Olympics really have very little importance.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:27 am
drug cheats,
“In 1994, a fleet of well-muscled Chinese dominated the pool at the Asian Games. But the secret to China’s success was soon exposed: drugs. Seven of China’s Asian Games swimmers tested positive for banned substances and were stripped of their gold medals. That ignominious streak extended to the 1998 World Championships, where four more Chinese swimmers were caught using drugs.”
Plus “Age cheats” now?
August 14th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Jones was convicted of doping and lost her medals. how many other american athletes do you think the american officials let it slip by…, i wonder?
August 14th, 2008 at 6:51 am
China’s Pang Jiaying, who touched first in the second semi-final, was disqualified for a false-start.
hmmm how many times do you think they let it slip by….i wonder?
August 14th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Yes the IOC wants China to beat the US, and yes most of the American events are fixed so the US cant get gold if they are in a event with a chinese competitor, except for a very few that they let slip by….why do you think china has twice the golds as the us but as of now equal overall? so china comes off as better
August 14th, 2008 at 6:18 am
I can understand why the Olympics will be a ground for Nationalism, but it’s Nationalism mingled with sportsmanship - at least that’s what ideally it’ll be.
Leave the politics for the election, unless Obama or McCain become 100m sprint runners or swimmers.
August 14th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Thanks bsartist;
Panzer - yeah I guess Hibachi’s trolling early on was a complete success, turned this into a bashfest
August 14th, 2008 at 5:12 am
Did the main article commentators suddenly invade the blog? Since when did a blog about the Olympics become a pathetic debate on Nationalism?
August 14th, 2008 at 4:51 am
Holy shit. Bahaska, you are my hero. Sucks for bring all this bashing to an end with that link, but hey, good on you mate.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:09 am
Hello, Olympics anyone?
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2008-08/14/content_6933707.htm
You know, the place where people jump and swim and cheer and feel good about it?
No?
Figures.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:46 am
@ Beijing
As to what you said about the supreme court “appointment,” you may be right, but the only other alternative would be to throw it into the House of Representatives, which was also Republican. So, either way, Bush wins the 2000 election. Lawfully.
And while Bush may have pulled a “douche” move with the swiftboating, I’d say Bush is still better than either Kerry or Gore.
It’s really a shame that our country can’t seem to get any legitimate candidates, though. Man, I hate Bush (mostly), Kerry, Gore, Obama, and McCain. They all suck ass. Obama is a socialist and all that McCain has going for him, in my book, is his stance on the war.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:05 am
Bucholz you had no idea that it would become this. For that misunderstanding of your readership I must say “Fail”
August 14th, 2008 at 2:01 am
While I’ll agree that GWB was a candidate that was preordained, I ask.
Can any country claim in earnest, no corruption?
I stand by my original statement. “Let’s bring out the nukes and start over”
The strong will survive and the weak (read Congressional FatCats) will perish.
I’ll be Mel Gibson and not back away from the gasoline “boy”
August 14th, 2008 at 1:45 am
i know eh, fuck 9/11. if george bush want to kill americans, he can just send them to iraq as soldiers or just call them muslims
August 14th, 2008 at 1:39 am
@bsartist
shows how the government of just about every country is corrupt. Still, with the new election where Obama will win, it shows how maybe voting isn’t such a bad thing.
Holy crap, i just read the 9/11 conspiracy stuff. You ppl are freaking nuts.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:36 am
shows how corrupted american government and voting in general is fucked, doesnt it?
August 14th, 2008 at 1:36 am
I’ve already argued all those points and more earlier, with people who possessed a modicum of intelligence. It’s degenerated past the point I wish to repeat myself to people who don’t bother reading earlier posts. Plus, that last sentence renders his entire post completely hypocritical. Forget it. Later.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:35 am
@ china guy
bush didn’t win. He was appointed by the Supreme ct in 2000 (which was mostly republican and basically got to decide if votes from democratic counties were legal even if their intention was clear).
In 2004, there are a lot of ppl claiming there was a rigged election in ohio, a swing state, and at the very least voter disenfranchisement. even if none of thats true, bush did pull a douche move with the kerry swiftboating.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:34 am
Word, WTF. On that note, I’ll abscond from this discussion. Cheers!
August 14th, 2008 at 1:33 am
dude, he got like 20 valid points. why dont you argue those? and universal health cover ftw! i wont want to live in the us with 20 hours waiting line just to get my dick checked
August 14th, 2008 at 1:31 am
The Olympics this year are like getting invited to a party where the nice, enthusiasitc host cleans the entire house from top to bottom and then gets mad when you pay more attention to the shackled guy’s moans in the basement then her very lovely dress and all the hard work she did.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:30 am
If you’re so proud to be Chinese, why the fuck are you living in Australia?
August 14th, 2008 at 1:23 am
First and foremost, to the publisher of this article, i say you are a noob ahole.
2nd of all, the term “wued” is a well established word, as you can see from the Wiki. It is used widely, on par with things like gg and noob etc.
I dont quite follow on how you arrived at arguing about the 9/11, but those of you that think it is a conspiracy theory are psychotic, and rank on par with those that think the earth is flat. BTW they are all american, people which re elected Bush, and those that cant come up with a candidate to actually beat him. It is like you people (americans) cant find any abled person to win an event for the paralypics.
But i concur. Back to the topic. I am Chinese, and quite proudly so. This Olympics shows more than our prowess, our strong economics and technological advances, it also shows our strength on the sporting arena. 20 Gold so far compared with America’s 10.
We also have good sportsmanship, unlike Americans, check out articles with american gymnastic team bitching about how the judges are unfair and shit. All the judges come from different countries, and they judge professional in previous olympics as well as world championships.
Lastly to those Americans which think they live in the greatest country on earth, when in fact they have never left the country, seeing this game is a great shock for u guys i know. Your pity self denial, and lack of understanding of superior nations are strongly present in your article.
So to the article writer, keep living in your ignorant little life at the bottom of a well. All the best, hope you live long and healthy in your well with no health cover. (Love from Australia, land with universal health cover)
August 14th, 2008 at 1:23 am
wha the fuck you on about limpdick? go and get wued
August 14th, 2008 at 1:15 am
Females Don’t, bsartist, habachi Wu, and two or three others are all the same troll. Don’t waste your time.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:02 am
@Wiki
Your internets will be arriving by UPS in three days.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:58 am
mmm i just wiki’ed up “wued”. this is the result:
wued - a vastly popular internet slang invented by the youtube “legend” Hamachi Wu,Wu defined the term “wued” as ” an uber level of pwage , used when one person has total domination over another person in term of everything “
August 14th, 2008 at 12:56 am
@ Females dont
“And my third point, how is it that the terrorists knew the Tower was going to collapse when a plane crashed close to the top of the building?”
Mohamed Atta, the leader of the hijackers, studied Architecture at the University of Cairo and urban planning at the Technical University of Hamburg-Harburg.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:56 am
bob, why are you directing shits at female readers? fuck off my wife yeah? go fuck your own
August 14th, 2008 at 12:53 am
If someone can tell me what ‘wued’ means, I will send them five internets.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 am
The above was @ Females dont and bsartist
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 am
@ lol
Wouldn’t surprise me.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 am
Ok, you got me, I got wued, whatever the hell that means. Still doesn’t change the fact that:
A. You are a complete idiot
and
B. You’re wrong
August 14th, 2008 at 12:51 am
@ Females
The terrorists had plenty to gain from destroying the World Trade Center. Essentially, it was big recruiting drive, and, as SLJ said, a way to inspire fear. Which, I might add, it did. Their plan: we blow up big, important ECONOMIC building in the big, powerful, evil United States, and then tons more people on the proverbial fence go over to the terrorist side, marking the first chapter in our quest to destroy the west. People were inspired by 9/11. The people who perpetrated the attacks planned for this. They knew that their action alone would do very little damage, but their goal was not to do damage, specifically. Their goal was to show the world that United States was weak and vulnerable, and that if they could do, so could anyone. And, of course, the US wasn’t going to stand for that. Also, the White House is just a symbol. The president doesn’t spend much of his time there anyway (don’t quote me on that, because I’m not entirely sure). The World Trade Center was a huge nexus of our economy, and destroying it did do serious damage to our economy, though luckily the economy of the United States is so well diversified that it wasn’t irreparable damage. And look at the number it did on airline stock prices. Also, I concur with SLJ. SLJ is one bad motherfucker.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:49 am
haha yeah dude you got wued
August 14th, 2008 at 12:47 am
@ Females don’t
I forget to whom I’m speaking, of course. Denizens of the internet (the last bastion of insanity) who have nothing better to do then buy into nonsense. Get a life, asshole, and get a brain if you can.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:45 am
@SLJ
dude..u got wued. stfu
August 14th, 2008 at 12:43 am
true, they do all of them at the same time
August 14th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Yeah, they also invents shit and make medical breakthroughs too, but w/e.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:39 am
harvard professors rape teenage girls
August 14th, 2008 at 12:34 am
@ American Conspiracy
Do you know what juxtapose means, because you totally used it out of context. Furthermore, how do they contradict (perhaps the word you were looking for) each other. They didn’t attack the White House because they knew they wouldn’t be successful, and instead attacked a target where they knew they would be.
And by the way, the experts that I have heard in class are Harvard professors, who tend to be a left leaning bunch. So I’ll tell you what, if you can show me any sane scientists who back you up, feel free to show them off to the rest of us feeble minded simpletons.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:30 am
@ SLJ
Wow, your second paragraph completely juxtapose your first. And the science you talk about is george bush’s shit in practise. You just ate it all and enjoyed it.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:22 am
@Females don’t read cracked.com
You’re… you’re kidding, right? These people aren’t stupid enough to try and attack the White House, they wouldn’t stand a shot in hell. That may be the worst argument for a conspiracy theory (and I’ve heard some damn stupid ones).
What do they have to gain? Wow. Lets think. Maybe… um… inspiring fear. Thats kinda their thing. You know, strike a blow against Western civilization at the very heart of its economy - the WTC.
But whatever. Theres no arguing with people like you. The science (the real stuff, not the b.s. spouted by fringe people and university students with nothing better to do) has been reported and every reputable source has agreed - you’re wrong.
We can discuss the merits, or lack thereof, of the Iraq War, but WTF is wrong with us when we can’t even agree on the basics facts staring us in the eyes. Or, I should say, when a select group adamantly refuses to see sense and instead chooses to make themselevs feel more important, as if they’re the only ones who can see the truth and the rest of us are just sheep (thats the term you all like to throw around when trying to make yourselves feel superior, right?)
Oh yeah, and by the way, I’m really reaping the benefits of all that sweet crude oil. I mean, it isn’t like the price of gasoline hasn’t spiked or anything. Oh wait, it must be a conspiracy!
August 14th, 2008 at 12:16 am
jpappi thank you for been a blowjob by reading all of what bob the dickhead have to say. both of you are tools and i know youll both be good motherfuckers
August 14th, 2008 at 12:14 am
fuck you poofter. eat a dick
@ J-Pappi, not his mum
August 14th, 2008 at 12:14 am
fuck you poofter. eat a dick
@ J-Pappi, not his mum who happnes to be a guy
August 14th, 2008 at 12:08 am
@ Bob Saget, not the next guy.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:07 am
The second half of that seemed to me to be a lot more accurate and unbiased than the first. But that’s just my opinion. And for the record, I voted for Bush in 2000 because I thought it would be better for the economy and national security. I’m willing to admit when I fuck up.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:06 am
i thought about those last night while i was masterbating
August 14th, 2008 at 12:01 am
Ok, let me tackle that bit by bit. You said 911 wasn’t an inside job. Maybe. But have you thought, as a normal human being and been rational, what either side has to gain from the event?
What do the terrorist have to gain from it? Nothing. Nil, zero benefit.
What do the American government have to gain from it? The catalyst for the ‘War on Terrorism’, which led to the destruction of Afghanistan, and then to the destruction of Iraq, while Americans sit back and reap the benefit of more crude oil supply. And here I see people saying how much they love their country for it.
That brings me to my second point, why the World Trading Tower? If I was a terrorist, I would go for the White House, the symbol of America’s power, and more importantly, the home of the president. Was it by chance that the White House remained standing while the World Trade Tower collapsed?
And my third point, how is it that the terrorists knew the Tower was going to collapse when a plane crashed close to the top of the building? Likely they had no idea it was going to collapse at all. Maybe they thought a plane stuck in a tall building would bring some sort of message to the world. You think the terrorists got the Tower’s architecture all figured out? Or is it more likely for the American government to provide them with such confidential information? Which brings me back to my second point, if you are a terrorist and you have only one life and you want to make the best out of it, would you rather risk it by crashing into a tower that may or may not collapse, or ram it into the White House?
August 13th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Christ that was fucking long. Sorry.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Allrighty, then. This will be a long one, so steel your collective selves. I have heard many calls for unbiased information, and I notice that most of the US-bashers have a problem with US foreign policy in Iraq, Afghanistan, and such, so I will provide some unbiased info on those scores. Afghanistan/911: the war in Afghanistan is, according to the Vatican, a just war. Even if you aren’t catholic, that means something. Also, that Taliban government was a terrorist government. Not just one that sponsored or winked at terrorism, a government built around terrorism. In my opinion (THIS IS MY OPINION, just to make that abundantly clear), and, I think, in the opinion of most thinking people, cannot be tolerated. And, as for 911, all reputable experts, including Popular Mechanics, have proved that 911 was not an inside job or any such thing. The History Channel has an awesome documentary on 911 and the assorted conspiracy theories and responses to them. It should be noted that the leaders of the “911 Truth” movement are mostly radio talk show hosts and other entertainers, and college students (who are educated in an extremely left-leaning higher education system), while the opposition is led by reputable scientists. On Iraq: Let’s start at the beginning. Saddam Hussein. He refused to allow weapons inspectors into his country, so there was no way for the United States, or anyone else for that matter, to figure out whether or not he had weapons of mass destruction, and thus, thanks not only to this refusal but his gassing of the Kurds, we were forced to assume that Saddam Hussein has the means to kill at least hundreds of thousands of people. And, I feel that I should tell you, as a side note, that the person who told GWB that it was a ’slam dunk’ that Saddam Hussein had WMDs, was not only the director of the CIA (the highest authority in the United States on such matters), but was also a Clinton appointee. Blame him. Thus, the United States gave Saddam Hussein two full days to get his ass on to a plane out of the country, or the United States would invade. Hussein made a conscious decision to subject his country to the might of US arms. And that’s exactly what happened. As for the ongoing war/occupation/civil war in Iraq, I will admit that it was badly mismanaged by GWB and others. However, there is little denying that the ’surge’ has helped a great deal. You should definitely read the article in the TIME summer double issue “What Bush Got Right,” written by no less that Fareed Zakaria himself, an avowed Bush hater. I won’t enumerate his points here, lest this comment stretch to truly biblical length (a threshold fast approaching, nonetheless). And, I firmly believe (OPINION ALERT) that we are doing a good thing in Iraq. Yes, many people have been killed. But people die in war. End of unbiased information on these two points. Begin argument.
And I must respond pointedly to a comment from our good friend Flowers up there: I am also a champion of peace, compassion, and understanding. However, I do not believe that the world can be free of war, hatred, or suffering as long as there are people who value the destruction of all Western institutions, ways of life, and nations above the preservation of their own lives. Essentially: you can love, feel compassion, preach peace, and try to bring understanding to people all you want, but as long as there are evil people, people who want nothing more than to see the West burn (not that the West is particularly awesome all the time. Still, it certainly does not deserve to be completely annihilated) and/or all people and institutions who/which do not conform exactly to their own twisted way of understanding the universe, whoever they may be, the world can never be at peace. And thus, the best way to promote peace and compassion and understanding is to battle evil and fight evil people at every possible opportunity. Only when evil is destroyed, which may be many thousands of years from now, can we have peace. Preaching peace and tolerance and humanity and compassion is easy, because it only requires your speech. Making the world safe from evil such that peace, tolerance, humanity, and compassion can flourish is, if you will excuse my french, really fucking hard. And, as a final, personal aside, I firmly believe that, whatever it’s other faults, the United States is the single freest nation on this planet, and, therefore the best. Liberty is the natural right of all men, but men are not yet ready to govern themselves, so governments are necessary to keep men in line. If everyone was reasonable and rational, governments and laws would be unnecessary. But, because we have not yet reached that state, we need governments and laws. The United States has, almost unbelievably, managed to both ensure the rule of law in her territory while also allowing her citizens more liberty than in any other nation. Thus, in the United States, men are closer than in any other nation to their natural state of total liberty than in any other country. Which isn’t to say we don’t have too much government interference here, we just have much less that anywhere else. And that, I believe, makes us the best.
That will be all.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
@Lothar69, you’re kind of right. But have you ever try to protest those “bleeding heart liberals and it’s conservative, religious fuckwads” in their faces? No, I don’t think so. You will get sent to Guantanamo Bay for been a potential terrorist and be forced to eat cockmeat sandwich. So is america any different from china? No, not really if you use your head.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Track and field doesn’t make you run with awkward gaits, but they do stick shit in front of you and make you jump over it. Similar idea!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
CHINA FTW!!!! BEIJING FTW!!!! COMMUNISM… not so much.. but anyway, London is uber PWNED for the 2012 olympics, and they know it.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I guess I’m not inflammatory enough to elicit a response…I’ll keep workin at it.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Dude, you’re gay.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Yay! More racism at Cracked. Fuck those Chinese assholes before they start taking our women!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I’m American, I’m not fat. I work hard every day to provide for my family with no other agenda. I do in fact, disapprove of what my country does internationally, and I vote!
That being said, I laugh uproariously at the idea that my country isn’t great.
Yes we stick our collective noses in where they don’t belong. We have such humongous penis’ that we have no choice. Sometimes ya just gotta kick some ass.
But credit where it’s due. America has it’s bleeding heart liberals and it’s conservative, religious fuckwads. That’s what makes us great. The ability to disagree without fear of governmental retaliation. I personally feel that religious based political opinions should be discounted completely. The wealth of religious difference in the world should preclude that to any rational mind. I don’t agree with what we’re doing in Iraq, but I also don’t agree with suicide bombers. Virgins? Seriously?
This whole world is fucked up, not any particular country, nationality, race or creed.
Everybody, everywhere. It will never change. So lets just break out the nukes and start over.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Man. Kitajima from Japan has just been announcer dubbed the “Greatest Breast Stroker of All Time.”
I don’t care HOW many Golds Phelps wins. I’d rather have Kitajima’s title.
Boobies!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
BUT considering the amount of people in China, Russia, and the U.S., thats good.
If Ireland win 1 gold medal,
for the U.S.A to have as many gold medal winners per thousand, they’d have to win roughly 70 golds.
for Russia to have as many gold medal winners per thousand, they’d have to win roughly 33 gold medals.
for China to have as many gold medal winners per thousand, they’d have to win roughly 305 gold medals.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
but thats probably it
August 13th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Ireland shall win the female hammer throw. Just watch us. WATCH US!!! MUHUHAHAHAHA!!!!!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Kelvin:
I thank you for restoring my Olympic Spirit.
J-Pappi:
Great minds think alike. Mainly about the bachache= massage issue, but the point that all governments are dodgy bastards is definitely one most people seem to gloss over.
mickymick:
Sounds like someone’s had a girlfriend that studied in australia for a year.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
China totally slaps my face hole, they try and strongarm Gary Coleman into thinking they sell discount beer when really most of them are just upset about having very small mobile phones. The Olympics are exclusively for taxpayers on a great night, I’d rather watch re-runs of Star Trek, or just touch myself to old age. I think I’d rather surgically remove Michael Phelps than watch him eat through my chest and I’m THE gay. If you like Cracked.com, then you might plan a DDOS against http://www.onblastatlast.com, it’s my grandpa’s blog, I just make fun of stuff.
I was bored, and I don’t really know enough about china to actually insult it, but since I was already at the bottom of the comments I wasn’t going to go away without letting my mind take a juicy fart all over the blog. You just got to let it out sometimes.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Just wait for the Firefly-esque apocalypse!!! It’s coming!!! China will take over the world!!! Be afraid, and commence stockpiling food and water in hidden chambers impervious to nuclear radiation!!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
@Ejay; This is not about Race or racial pride. This is about oppressive murderous governments and the whiney little bitches like you and France who go around trying to smooth over every evil with your gay love and your lets all take it in the rear to avoid more violence attitude. I guess when America removed an oppressive dictator and brought freedom to Iraq (at great expense to ourselves), to you were all just murderers. But when Russia murders innocent civilians of a free nation, to you that’s just a little misunderstanding (a feud as you called it). Oh, and boobies…it’s also all about boobies!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I would have to say, yes WOmen’s BEach Volleyball is perhaps the most male-watched sprt next to women’s gymnastics (but thats pushing b/c most of the women are actually teenage girls)
@hibachi wrote, actually, you pull those info outta ya mums ass. do you believe in george bush? do you believe in the destruction of iraq? do you believe you have a dick? its sad you cannot see the true about your own country while trying to defend it. go write some un biased shit on your encyclopedia about the invasion of iraq and then talk, american dickwit
Somebody please translate this into non-retard english?
Well actaully i have a rather large dick and right now im reaming your wife on your state sanctioned bedspread…yes i do know the history of my country and rather proud of most of it…bush is just a tool, he would have been better just off as a mayor somewhere…actually its in the world book…we did bomb the shit of iraq, but it’was just smoke and mirrors kind of crap, to help patriotic opinion, we defetaed the iraqi army within 90 days but then the terrorists and greed came to play….what about the chinese destruction of xinjiang? how about the out and out conquering of the independent tibet against the wishes of the UN…hmmm how about the communist slaughter of the nationalists (about 10 million people)….the threatened erasure of the nominal R.O.C (Taiwan)…the capture of 17 american airmen just because they crashed in chinese airspace…the war over the usssuri river, where thousands of soviets were killed…the battle over the yalu which condmened North Korea to life under the red flag when they had almost lost to south korea…guam is US territory(thats why its imprtant)…..oh and state forced murder of over a million infants?….hibachi, go ahead and take your head out of your rear, or your firends head, get over your wiener obsession and immigrate to the US where you can just sit around and pork your wife all day and i fyou want to, make a million babies and go to church…and fra and away i agree with gambit…….right now im cooking steaks on my hibatchi, so peace out
August 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Why is it that, even though this is all about China, I suddenly have a craving for Vietnamese food?
August 13th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I cant recall ever seeing this much discussion about a Cracked article, but it was interesting to read all these opinions. Speaking of opinions, I might as well throw out a couple of my own, and do so in a way that makes them sound like their facts.
-Asian girls are hot (most of them)
-The olympics are way over-hyped. How many millions are wasted on entertainment that could have been used towards helping people in need? (bleeding heart, i know)
-I would rather watch American athletes being good sportsman, and being supportive of other teams, and just being ‘nice’ people, than see them win gold medals. Most of the competitions I have watched this far, we kind of look like jerks (in my opinion, i mean fact).
-Womens beach volleyball is the best sport at the games. we should see more of that.
-Russia is sneaky little bastards. Tactically smart, but a total dick move.
-China, where do i begin. Well, its not America, and we all know how awesome we are (again, based on facts), so i guess that says it all.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Ejay, shut up, you are no expert on US history. Why don’t you stick to the retched history of that sinking shithole of a penal colony you call home. Why do Austrailians all look alike? Because they are all fucking cousins that’s why! Ejay=Douche.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I love China. It is from where all the shit I buy at Wal-mart comes from! Boobies? Beers? Burgers? The 3b’s of life. And why fuck China? Cause fuck China that’s why!!!
August 13th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
You know what i have read almost all the comments and replies here. Some i agree with and most im really disgusted to read.
A lot of people here are proud of their race may it be american, european or asian decent and i totally understand that but a lot of you guys are just too stupid to make a big deal about little stuff.
Our races are not perfect. Some made mistakes but people are trying to change that. History takes a long time to change.
The US was built due to continuous civil wars. Remember your George and Abes flight? The 20’s and the lynching era? Not to mention how US made an impact due to worldwide wars. Europe’s history was also built on empires destroying empires. Kings beaheading their wives and daughters and lots of backstabbing even with a pope. I almost forgot Nordic history. Asians who have been around for a thousand years have never really been conquerors except a few like the genghis and the japs during the 40’s. If their really is a dispute it usually is with neighbor or within the borders of its country. Which is relatively common all over the world.
Now you might be thinking about vietnam and tibet or some countries in the middle east included in Asia, right? Let me ask you this: Didnt you have problems on your own as well with other countries?
nuff said. Wy dont we just try to get along? US are making friends with almost all the countries. China has opened the bamboo curtain now.
Lets just get along and well hope the feud between russia and georgia all end in peace.
I dont want international white hooded figures call for racial supremacy again.
Its just damn wrong.
im half spanish and half asian living in aus so just you know.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Not gonna be wrestling the pigs on this one, so just to inform flowers-r-different-colours:
Chinese people DO eat dogs. I’VE eaten dog, in China. Not all Chinese people eat it, but they don’t treat it with much exception compared to other meats. It’s less common, and something of a delicacy, but mainly because it’s more expensive to raise (than pork, the lowest common denominator meat). It’s also considered more “heated”, as a meat produced by a meat-eating animal.
My main exception to eating dog is the poor hygiene, but then really that’s true for almost all meats in China. I don’t find it immoral or anything, just as most Westerners don’t think too much about quaffing down a burger. In fact I was somewhat disappointed at the dog eating ban: it’s not like anyone banned consuming beef or pork before any Olympics because there’d be Hindus, Muslims and Jews coming to town, and nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s another case of the silly excesses I mentioned earlier.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I like China . . . They make hot girls that talk funny. Leave them alone you big Cracked jerks.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=5
August 13th, 2008 at 11:14 am
OK, I’ve made my points. If you’re not going to admit your own country’s flaws (as I have mine), there’s no reason in me continuing to beat my head against a wall.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program about boobies and dick jokes.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:11 am
*looks at 911* The US government don’t even have the guts to admit it. They blame it on some foreigners.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:05 am
“caused the death of countless innocent people”No Chinese government policy does that just fine for its own people.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Yeah true. But they didn’t invade Iraq and caused the death of countless innocent people.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I agree with everything you say about the U.S.; there’s no refuting that. But if you think China isn’t corrupt as well and that all they were just doing with their “superpower” status is inviting people to a big celebration then you’re a moron. ALL governments of successful countries are corrupt; you can’t build a successful country otherwise. Aristotle knew true democracy was “mob rule” back in ancient Greece (America is NOT a true democracy); please don’t tell me paper communism is that much better. And acting like China isn’t militant shows you don’t even walk your own fucking streets or watch your own tv.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:29 am
You think Obama will liberate Iraq? Oh my mistake, it is already been liberated by the US military. Let’s see who the Americans will blow up next. Hm… Iran sounds like a good candidate, closely followed by North Korea. You know what I would like to see? The US government spending all the money going into the war effort on something even remotely similar to the production of the olympic games. At least the chinese government tries to boaster its employment rate, by giving its people more jobs. US does a similar thing, but also puts other people out of their jobs and their lives (read: Iraqi and soon to come Iranian).
As you can see, there are 2 main kind of superpowers, one that promote its culture by inviting people to a big celebration. The other blows up another country, frame them for something which they don’t have/can’t afford, and gain spotlight as a result.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Bush didn’t get elected. Al Gore got elected in 2000; Bush had to get a state his brother was governor of to rig a recount. Then he took that possibility away in ‘04 by setting up electronic voting machines that are incredibly easy to rig. The ones used in my state that year (Georgia) had a “variation” at the last minute to get the Republican in (who was vastly less popular than the Democrat) which was mathematically proved statistically impossible. This is not new information; it’s pretty well known. America is just as corrupt as China in it’s own way, but that doesn’t stop me from loving it. Things go in cycles, and thankfully what’s left of the constitution ensures that Bush’s ass will be gone shortly.
Bonzai-Kitten, I’m glad to hear you’re not a feminist. Girls with big boobs get extra backrubs to compensate for their pain; it’s one of the perks.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:05 am
man, all of you should get a life.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:54 am
But you still haven’t taken my up my request. How about we make it a challenge? Flame me some more while you think about something intelligent to type.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Ha ha, well played my friend. Well played. I appreciate wit like that.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:51 am
omgomgomg Gambit u r my new idol! u sound soo gay evn when u type!! Luv you till etenity!
ps. call me!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Oh…good…we missed you? Well, I don’t really see the connection between homosexuality and prostate screenings, but hey I’ll humor you.
I haven’t really made a real relevant point toward the discussion since about 6 posts back.
So, even out my cluelessness! Give us something that we can get thinking about. I am depending on you to know exactly what your talking about so I can actually participate in the discussion without making a total fool of myself!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:46 am
chinese men have little weiners. its science.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:45 am
I wonder how Bush got elected as the president of the United States of America in the first place. And I loled at freedom of speech. *sigh* Did anything happen when people said “Let’s leave Iraq alone”? Yeah, you got your freedom of speech, but it means jack shit. At least the Chinese know they don’t have one, whereas the Americans live in a dreamworld where they think they have the power to do something, but instead is eating all the shit their president is chucking at them.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:43 am
J-Pappi:
So people with boobs are allowed to read Cracked then? Good. good.
I’m not a feminist- I’m a humanist, so I don’t need to be. That said, big boobs= back ache, which isn’t a policitcal/philosophical problem at all.
Oh, and your other point was excellent too.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I’m back!! And I have to say Gambit is a homosexual who doesn’t have a clue to what he’s talking about. Dude, you need a prostate screening or something?
August 13th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I’ve done it again. Stupid typos. Hibachi, we know George Bush is incompetent. He’ll be gone by January. We know the invasion of Iraq was wrong. And we’re all sure that we have dicks. Although with your agregarious and aggressive nature, I would question your insecurity about your own. Or maybe you just have a fascination. Not my call.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Again, wow it looks like my request to Hibachi came to late. He’s done it again.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Wow sweet. Go won. Jeez, now that’s Irony for you. I did indeed mean one.
And J-Pappi does have a good point (more in the second paragraph then the first, I won’t touch that).
August 13th, 2008 at 9:33 am
@florida, actually, you pull those info outta ya mums ass. do you believe in george bush? do you believe in the destruction of iraq? do you believe you have a dick? its sad you cannot see the true about your own country while trying to defend it. go write some un biased shit on your encyclopedia about the invasion of iraq and then talk, american dickwit
August 13th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Ha ha, it was a good attempt Florida.
Hibachi, I requested a little more reasonable discussion. I’ll lower the bar for you, since it seems you lost all competence from your first post (which sparked much controversy, a plus) to what seems to be a grammatical butchering. Internet abbreviations? You tooled on the WoW players, but you type just like won. Ironic, yes. By the way, sum is actually a mathematics term. You may have been looking for “some”, but i don’t know. How bout I rewrite your post like it should be next time:
“ten y r u al mkin senz? stfu yo an go et sum shit”
Sorry to everyone else for the digression of what I usually write.
Oh and Hibachi? Never say yo again.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:30 am
E-cups? Now we’re talkin’! PLEASE don’t get the surgery. Nothing disturbs me more than chicks with big tits getting a breast reduction. They’re usually feminists “making a point” (not that you are at all, my dear), and being wrong. All boobies are glorious, but really big naturals are rare and you should revel in their wonderfulness.
For everyone who thinks America’s weak because of the fucking nonsense going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, it must be pointed out that Neocons fight wars that way to funnel massive profits from oil and defense contracts to the assholes who got them “elected.” Technically, we could have bombed either to the stone age in about half an hour (though we should have left both completely alone in the first goddamned place). China is getting stronger, no doubt, but implying they could defeat us militarily because they can destroy Japan and Guam (Guam? Really?) and have a half dozen missiles that may or may not be able to reach San Francisco (which we wouldn’t miss) is just ignorant. Maybe some day, but more likely you’ll defeat us economically in the next 20 years by virtue of our own Republicans stealing too much of the pie.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:25 am
how about go eat a hibachi…or some good japanese food
August 13th, 2008 at 9:24 am
[stupid joke...sorry]
August 13th, 2008 at 9:24 am
to Gambit’s last post….both Rationality, Logic, and any women’s undergarments that are found
August 13th, 2008 at 9:24 am
then y r u all makin sense? stfu yo and go eat sum shit
August 13th, 2008 at 9:23 am
No, sadly my information is completely correct, unleess you can find an UN_BIASED source to cunteract me, ill have to go with what encyclopedias tell me, and what the chinese politburo, defense minstry, state television says againt the american government against the numbskulls who claim to know what their talking about
August 13th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Welcome to Cracked. Rationality is thrown out the window here (not meant as an insult, more of a joke).
August 13th, 2008 at 9:16 am
seriosly, what are you all talkin about? ya all fucked up beyond belief
August 13th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Damn. Don’t you hate it when you only notice your typo as you hit ’submit comment’?
August 13th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Bobobrain:
Neither sport nor religion are the opiates of the masses. Opiates are, in fact, the opiates of the masses (with apologies to Bill Bailey).
AsianOrange:
Don’t be daft, you can’t skin a cat live- it movies about too much and they tend to fight back. you need to kill it first.
HAIDERE:
Why start on the Aussies? They seem to be only ones who aren’t spreading the hate. Aussies don’t often to flame wars- they are usually too busy enjoying the sunshine, swimming or having sex to bother with a little computer bitch-off. Even the fat ones.
flowers-r-different-colours:
Yum Cha is obviously about as Chinese as Grid-Iron. You are wasting your valuable typing fingers by responding.
females don’t read cracked.com:
Does that mean I’m the only gal really on here? I’m afraid I’m an e-cup- can I get a temporary pass until I decide if Cracked it worth all that surgery?
August 13th, 2008 at 8:47 am
welcome to city wok…..hord preeeease..
hrrrrm canada..very fal rosts o money……500 dorrar!
never barta with da chineeeeese!
god damn mongorians knockin down my shitty walll!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Can’t we all just get along? No I’m just joking. But seriously, let’s at least stop flaming each other.
@flowers-r-diff….: You got a lot of points, but let me address what I see. The fat part use to mean you were wealthy. It doesn’t really anymore. We still refer to “fat cats” as over paid executives of companies, but a good portion of the population (average Joes) are overweight to obese. It shows that laziness and decadence are a major factor in our culture. My younger brother sadly weighs 45 more pounds than I do, and is a good 4 inches shorter. It’s depressing, but that’s our culture today. I don’t want to bash you, but you do kind of have an idealistic view point. You have the best Chinese in the world? Where do you live?
@Interesting: 2nd post: A most excellent point sir, one I strongly believe in. Your first post though, I don’t know about. I do know that Bush is just a pawn. That’s all he is. He doesn’t deserve to be called a leader.
@African: Well, it’s either going to end up like Red Dawn, or End of Ze World (search it on youtube, it’s hilarious and makes good points.)
@Lanster: If you’re a representation of your country, I’m sure you’ll have a challenge finding the US on a globe, much less trying to nuke it.
I do believe that we should pull out of all the occupied countries. Dude, screw them, we should take care of our own, before we go to others. I mean disaster relief is one thing, but “protecting” others is something else.
But overall can we go back to having a reasonable debate free of torching flowers for being idealistic or unintelligent low blows on our countries? I mean, I enjoy the banter of harsh criticism on either of our two countries, but let’s keep it on the level.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:29 am
@florida
thanks for tat, though 90% of the infor you presented r off by miles, actually. u just pulled em out of ur arse didn’t u
@mobot
i didn’t believe you guys are fukers. that is of course.until i read this bs article by a fat wow player
August 13th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Because this is a humour site, we should be bashing each other.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:22 am
The Americans and the Chinese both have their strong and weak points. As an American, I agree that our country has some work to do - however, I don’t find us as the pestilential clusterfuck you flamers seem to think we are. Overall, I think our country is ready for change.
As for China, it’s a powerful country with smart people who work hard and are quickly becoming a superpower in their own right. Maybe I don’t agree with everything they say, but I respect them.
And for Christ’s sake, everyone, this is a humor site. We shouldn’t even be bashing each other in the first place.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Just wait till the US falls to CHina sometime in the next fifteen-or-so years…all the american ISPs would all the sudden be censored and all these posts wouldn’t mean anything because they would track you down and get you for subversion, and at least 75% of the ‘non-US’ posters here ar ejust americans who are too poofy (not that i have a problem with that) to admit their american and decided to insult their own country in a comedy discussion board! seriously anyone trealize cracked is an american website and wouldnt even exist if certain other countries got their way….but seriously this olympics was a chance for CHina to show how ‘free’ and ;open’ they are now, but in my mind creeped me out, with the cute little girl lip-synching the sick communist mantra song…not to insult anybody but do you realize what that song is actaully about? world domination, the strength of the state, and seorusly the glory of the Han CHinese race…not beautiful CHina kind of stuff like I thought but like a blow-dry brainwash anthem….and sadly, no China would defeat the US soundly, through use of Nuclearweopnry and force of conventional army…the CHinese have an army of 100 divisions and an air force a quarter larger, and at this very time have Nuclear ICBMs pointed at the American continent, Japan and American forces in Korea, and at the US’ Guam…and they already make all of our stuff, and get this over Taiwan, we are penciled in by treaty to respond to both sides, i.e. if taiwan and CHina go at it, WWIII…alas this is a comedy website so no one will beleive me, bu what ever you do, do not root on N.Korea or CHina (or Russia if you can, but cant be choosy)…
August 13th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Chinese and US - ????????????? Why so mean?
August 13th, 2008 at 8:09 am
why is everyone so mean?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:47 am
“Flower Drum” best Chinese restaurant in the world!
August 13th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I have dogs and I don’t believe the Chinese eat dogs. My dog is sleeping on my pillows. He is the love of our life.
Did you know that the Chinese were one of the main immigrants to our country and our Chinese community are one of the oldest communities in our population. That is why we have the best Chinese food in the world?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:43 am
omg..come to think of it…i did get wued
August 13th, 2008 at 7:41 am
@yum cha ftw.
lololololololol you got wued!
August 13th, 2008 at 7:40 am
srzly.go back to ur dream world in which u r a champion of peace. u are not qualified to live in the 21st century. i feel like i’m talking to a common sense illiterate
August 13th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Yum Cha FTW - What is high? Really, does it involve some kind of drug? If so: NO. It’s night time and I am tired but high? Are you suggesting I’m taking drugs???
I did do wacky weed when I was a teenager and early twenties but I’m 45 now. I’m sure that the US and Chinese did this as well.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:35 am
are you starting to question ur own sexuality now? its not too late to do a sex change
August 13th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Another question? What is the issue with fat? From my studies of history, before it was recognised as bad - it was considered by ancient cultures as wealthy? Am I wrong?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:28 am
@ flowers r different colours
…u high?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:27 am
What do the Chinese think of Russia (previously) the USSR??????? What do they think of Japan? Just a question.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:26 am
To be honest, I really don’t care who you were bashing. Your ignorant comments of the ‘world at peace’ deserves a good little bash from me, and I think even george bush has no objections to that.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Females……: I am so upset by the US “OCCUPATION” of every bloody county that it has a problem with. It is horrible.
With no violence, I want to make them understand that world domination is FUCKED!
August 13th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Some one from the US would probably have guessed that I was not an American, purely by my spelling, despite my Yank bash comment.
One then has to ask, are you a person attached to the government? I slammed the US and you became so incredibly defensive.
Clearly, you are not a “normal” Chinese citizen. This is frightening.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:17 am
@flowers r different colours
1). i’m not a fucken american. i’d rather die than being a fat world of world of world of warcraft player
2) i’m chinese and in our tradition. we respect our female counterparts. i’m sorry i called u a dick head. but u should be sorry that you are bitching around for no apprent reason
@I am a champion of peace, compassion and understanding.
3) yes very much indeed. u do live in a dream world. in the real world. americans go down. the rest of the world go up
August 13th, 2008 at 7:17 am
Well flowers-r-different-colours, your ignorance and naiveness is really impressive, even in 21st century standards. I don’t want to know which country you live in, but thinking that the world is at peace is the most retarded statement I have ever seen or heard.
What do you think the Iraqi people think when george bush bombed the shit out of their homes? What about the people of Afghanistan? Do they deserve to have their nation leveled because of a so called act of terrorism likely commited by the US military themselves?
If you want to be a champion of peace, then do so by promoting peace and end wars, not by simply believe in the world is at peace, stupid bitch.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:06 am
yum cha ftw
Your comment was as bad as the most horrible US comments. I am not from the the US.
Please don’t call me a dick head - I am a female and watching the slanging match between the US and the Chinese ppl, which I find non-productive and viral. As is evident by my post. I do not try to assume any knowledge of the Chinese ppl but I do respect that different cultures should be respected. I certainly hope that you, as, some of the US posters on this blog, do not represent the majority of the population.
Maybe I am living in a dream world, but I like to think of us all as people occupying the same world who do not want war, hatred and suffering.
I am a champion of peace, compassion and understanding.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:06 am
I am chinese and i LOVE cracked.
funny article btw.
and YES it is really their first kiss prom etc etc.
seriously.
When was the last time the China get so much attention?:)
oo and chinese (believe it or not) (i know this is really unbelieveable to americans caz u all hate your country)(at least moan) is REALLY partiotic.
i mean if anyone forigen say something bad about chinese in the plublic, the country they come from will be comdamned. I don’t mean the government. I mean ppl will boycott the products of that country or form a human-chain around the shops. It is crazy how much they love their country.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:06 am
You guys need to realize, regardless of government, we’re all lied to by our leaders.
People at the top will continue to oppress, whether calling it communism or capitalism.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:05 am
SO what’s better, a party elected, respected and proven president (China’s HU Jintao), or a rigged election (USA’s idiot Georgey Dubya Bush)?
August 13th, 2008 at 6:52 am
“Other cultures do exist” - What the americans don’t know. Dumb motherfucking inbreds.
If freedom of speech and voting do exist, how the fuck did george w bush became the president? Why the fuck are american troops still in Iraq? Please look at your own country before you speak about others, motherfucking hypocrite.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:50 am
@flowers r different colour
oh stfu dickhead. u know jack shit about what we think. for your information.the mass majority of us chinese people have absolutely no problem with our government. its you americans who constantly poke ur nose in other people’s business. your shitty country is goin downhill in pretty much every aspect, economic, sports. u name it . and guess what. blaming us for being communists is not goin to help you a bit. cause ur downfall is caused by ur own fuked up arrogant arses
August 13th, 2008 at 6:34 am
It is time to look deep into our own governments before we accuse an entire nation of being guilty of the sins of their government. The Chinese are not responsible for their leadership, but have no control over it. The US have, at the very least A VOTE, and what do they do? They don’t vote and then complain about it. At least the citizens of the US have access to information and are able to make up their own minds.
I am sure the Chinese realise they are being lied to - the Americans stick their collective heads in their pizza and blame “communists” for their problems.
Get educated, read, learn and have a crack at realising you are not the belly button of the world. Other cultures do exist and the problems facing the Chinese people are never going to be solved by your jingoistic shit flinging!
August 13th, 2008 at 6:19 am
@Brosef
Everybody knows that DOB’s abs are like a magnet for females. I’m surprised there aren’t more of us reading Cracked!
@Leeroy
Holy fucking shit. To think I was pissed off with the lack of giant inflatable animals at the figure I thought it was! I must have misheard them, it was like 2am when the voice over peeps were talking about that and I was on the edge of falling asleep after the boringness of all the damn countries walking out. I’m seriously appalled at how much they spent on the Olympics now…
August 13th, 2008 at 6:06 am
@crackerjack
dont try to reason with this bunch of imbeciles.they think that they own the world and can tell everyone else what to do.well america let me tell u this. north korea and iraq r just the beginning. it wont’ be long before superpowers like china and russia go together and overtake ur fatass country.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:01 am
@minokawa, your mum invented anal sex.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:52 am
Well, there is a question i wanted to ask any american. How’ve come Saakashvili (presiden of Geogia) after proclaming peace during Olympics orders attack on South Ossetia, slaughters civilians, women, children, bombs hospitals and after all that hailed as a hero by western press? I mean, some could call it genocyde. Those 2 000 of dead - those are losses mostly among Ossetia’s civilians killed by georgians.
Also, strange thing. You (USA) go around invading different countries to protect your interests, bullying others into submission - and it’s all right. We (Russia) doing something like this once - and you start screaming about Cold War, redtoration of Soviet Union and so on.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:40 am
umm, lorenzo meucci invented the telephone…
August 13th, 2008 at 5:05 am
lololol.hahahaha.omgomgomg.fucken americans, eat shit and die. fucken poofters. iraq afgan and north korea will form a union and fuken nuke ur sorry arse country. gg fuks
August 13th, 2008 at 4:58 am
Can’t agree more with Mr. Hibachi Wu. Yes the Chinese did spent a tenth of a billion on the opening ceremony, while george bush spent $3 trillion on, what, invade Iraq? At least the opening ceremony didn’t involve anyone getting blown to pieces or children getting raped by soldiers who loves titties and hamburgers. And let’s not talk about the oil.
And heck, let me think of some great american achievements as a result of democracy freedom… oh right here’s one, the world’s number one pedophile Mr. Jackson. Hm… Armageddon… oh shit that’s a movie isn’t it? Neil Armstrong’s retarded jumping on the moon? Fuck thats in Hollywood. I think WoW counts as a great american achievement, a device that just utterly destroy the lives of 1/500 of the world population. And here they are talking about Pokemon invading their country.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:54 am
好呀! 好呀! 中国人红起来!
Hao ya! Hao ya! Zhong guo ren hong qi lai!
As an (exceptionally sexy) American man living in China, I can understand (and desire to punch) the various Chinese posters on this site. And thank them. I never expected to be able to practice my Chinese on Cracked of all places! 谢谢, 猪头们!
I have to agree with a few of you on some good points you made, which I will not mention again, because that allows most of you to think I agree with you, and thus you’ll be my best friends. Won’t you? Please?
下一次，请写英文，因为Cracked的人都不正常。
Where’s a good Rocky and Bullwinkle rerun when you need it?
P.S. — I hate public bathrooms because of all the looky-loos, envious of my massive manpiece. I’m shy!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:51 am
I’m not worried, what you said at the very end seems to imply that China’s about to get fucked lol
August 13th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Without Thelps the Aussies are pretty much dominating swimming. They practically live in fucking water.
Their National Swimming Institute takes up most of their sport’s budget.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Jason: keeping face is not mutually exclusive with the idea that these Games are the most important thing that’s happening to China. Doing a spectacular job hosting the Games can be attributed to face, but not calling hosting the Olympics “fulfilling the hundred-years dream.” (百年圓夢)
Deprae: apparently sailing is one of those sports that don’t mess with awesome feminine forms: http://en.beijing2008.cn/news/sports/headlines/sailing/n214505545.shtml Generally though, I agree that sports chicks aren’t really lookers, though I find the swimmers and beach vballers hot enough. Divers, too, look decent, except for the Chinese ones, which look way too androgynously prepubescent.
Funny how the retorts to wounded national pride are always with so-called advantages that are the ones being eroded. Case in point: Chinese people mocking fat Americans, while Chinese spoiled one-child policy kids + increased urban income = generation of kids growing on fatty foods. Or Americans touting military superiority while stuck in minor armed conflicts. Nobody toots the horns of separation of powers and constitutional government, or a nearly-continuous history of literature and arts that spans 4,000 years.
Conclusion: we’re all assholes, and we’re damn lucky the Aussies aren’t twice as populous ‘cuz then they’d ream us all on the medal standings.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:37 am
jeez why is everyone gettin so worked up?!
honestly, i am chinese, and although i AM NOT necessarily proud of my country’s corruption and communistic lead, i AM proud of its culture and tradition…
the olympics were basically a way to enter the international community, kinda like a party, and the opening ceremonies were at least awesome to watch, were they not???
I love America (i live here), so i obviously have nothing against americans, and im in no way offended by this article, as it was in good critical humor… and people like that one hitbachi guy who thinks our country is better than america is lying… we are awesome, and so is america… there that wasnt hard to take now was it?!
just watch the olympics, and enjoy… the united states won the last olympics, so why the heck would u care if we, the chinese, actually won one olympics on our own turf???
…just sayin
August 13th, 2008 at 3:48 am
@lordastral
“I am glad you Chinese are proud of your repressive, corrupt country”
I don’t think a single Chinese is proud of his country’s corruption. That’s about as idiotic as saying,
“I’m glad you Americans are proud of Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, thousands of civilians killed needlessly, more than 10 countries invaded since WWII. Way to go!”
Americans are proud of their country as they should be, but I don’t think it’s fair to say this kind of imbecilities.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:55 am
A couple of points. I am glad you Chinese are proud of your repressive, corrupt country, but lets not forget if it weren’t for the United States, Japan would have completely kicked your ass in World War II, and your country would probably still be enslaved to Imperial Japan.
Also, your food sucks balls.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:51 am
Oh I meant to finish with a typical “I’m not pretending that I actually know anything about Chinese culture, blah blah blah. We’ll agree to disagree blah blah blah.”
And I’m a huge fan of titties and cheeseburgers (preferably with bacon), but I prefer vodka to beer, some Wisconsinite I turned out to be
August 13th, 2008 at 2:47 am
I start by saying that I am happy that the games are in China this year. It’s kinda nice to have all the world see that Americans aren’t ALL fat and lazy. I for one am, along with many people I’ve met, born and raised in the US who are *GASP* not even close to being fat! And I did enjoy hearing about how well received all the competitors (even the Japanese) were by the Chinese public, and how amazingly everything was prepared (despite the fact that there are starving people there, along with homes being destroyed without compensation to make way for the games).
But on the other hand, one thing did stick out in my mind as I watched the “16 year old” competitors of the Chinese girls gymnastic team. One of the commentators mentioned that all the girls on the team knew each other better than their respective parents (doesn’t sound like a big deal at first, considering they trained hard with each other for years). But then he went on to say that it was because they were only ALLOWED to see their parents once a year, and a few girls begged several times to be allowed to quit gymnastics, but were denied permission. On the flip side, one of the girls on the American team gabbed on during an interview about how she was excited to start the 10th grade and get her driving license when she gets home. Hope that gold medal is that much better than the silver!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:30 am
sorry bucholz
August 13th, 2008 at 2:29 am
…..australia’s only won 10 medals so far
3 gold and the rest a mix between silver and gold…
…..bulcholz rules!!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:21 am
“these Olympics are the most important thing to ever happen to them”
You’re ignorance in China is amazing. You based your entire article on this one premise. Sadly, it just shows what little you know outside your own culture. In Asian cultures, “face” is very important; to put forth your best foot means everything. That is why China is doing everything it can to impress the world.
Don’t forget, until the modern era, China was at the zenith of civilization and technology - and will become the forefront once again in the next 50 years. Next time use Google before you decide to sit down and write about something you have no clue about.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:17 am
WOC, I’m relaxed.
And please don’t tell me or anybody else in a public space to shut up.
What are you, a communist censor?
August 13th, 2008 at 2:15 am
@Jonny
“a military that the United States (a country with 1/4 as many people) could crush in roughly half an hour”
you mean, the same way it crushed the Afghan and Iraqi resistance?
or maybe you’re counting half-hours in Genesis days timelines…
KUDOS to aladhan. I’m an Italian living in Mexico, beautiful country! You should come back.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:15 am
aladhan, relax and shut up
August 13th, 2008 at 1:57 am
I’m originally from Mexico, and lived in the US for a long time: in Texas, Machigan, NY and Atlanta. In the past 8 years I’ve lived in China, in Hangzhou (near Shanghai). Also lived for 3 years in Spain and France.
Both US and China have things that are to be admired by anyone, and also both have things that I quite dislike, but right now I wouldn’t trade China for USA (for living). This is the personal taste of someone who knows both countries but is from neither.
Of course, you cannot call Americans arrogant and ignorant, fat or jingoistic.
Also, you cannot think of China as some kind of kafka-esque society full of somber-looking apparatchicks.
BUT, there is enough truth in both claims, for people who are not acquainted with neither, to go and become idiotically blinded and discriminating.
I like this humour site a lot, but this particular article just didn’t cut it for me. The writers are definitely at their beest when they speak of things with which they are obviously intimate, like movies or general American culture.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:54 am
Australian speak is great.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:50 am
Rebuttal from the Australian team
@ Ireland: I admit, you guys have added some lovely potatoey chunks to the multicultural stew that is australia, and i’m willing to bet our fondness for drunken hooliganism is probably from you guys too, so cheers!
@ HAIDERE: Yeah, we’ve finally overtaken the USers in the fat wars, and we possess an irrational dislike for any nation that isn’t us, but as long as you guys keep exporting your trashy, easy college girls to our sun-soaked universities to get double-teamed on Cheap Tuesdays, things’ll be peachy between us.
Incidentally, I have a Chinese guy living in my sharehouse, and he’s a decent fella. would easily weigh twice as much as i do, though. He gave up smoking after that earthquake over there so he could donate money to the rebuilding process. Nationalism does have some good sides to it.
And… sport is overrated. Gymnastic chicks all look androgynous, swimming chicks are freakishly triangular, and running/cycling chicks look like blokes.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:49 am
It’s too bad really. I was going to say that China is a much more interesting country than the U.S. That their government is corrupt and irresponsible in foreign policy, but hey… they learn from the best. If the spectacle of the opening ceremonies isn’t worth spending 100,000,000 on then the completely impractical trillion dollar build up of United Statesian arms that would obliterate the world many times over, and that we refuse to end, is certainly so, especially when we still have thousands suffering from poverty in our own civil rights nightmare: the inner city. And trying to belittle the government of China is retarded as the only reason it has such a dickish nature is that, ever since the Opium Wars, its been degraded, bullied, ignored, and villified respectively. Because Chinese society is more communal in itself you’re going to offend the people and give them more reason to support the less than ideal government, and all of its unsavory practices, mainly aimed at building up a strong global presence to offset their insecurities.
Does anybody know of a place where you can argue with real people on the internets? I don’t check cracked daily. I guess I’m just shadowboxing at this point.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Probably the wrong format for that request eh?
Never mind.
Although I do believe that the Olympic games are just a sham perpetrated by the “Powers that be” to lull the general public in to complacency..while they conspire to make gay marriage legal, and conduct war on unassuming Muslim populations for sport and entertainment.
While I have no objections to sporting events to prove virility, I just don’t see how the U.S. can compete with China on their level.
Yes, our penis’ are bigger on average, but our balls do not produce the seminal equivalent of half the population of Liaoning.
Yao Ming has the point proved. American NBA star…Chinese Olympic only mofo to be worth a shit in the game against us…I digress.
Quit with the National pride. Enjoy the games (if you watch) the same way you do NFL, NBA, NHL games. Or for my hooligan brothers, as you do the World cup. Get over it….(after you kick the opposing fan’s ass)
It means nothing in the long run.
Sorry to go on like that.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:29 am
I’m late
August 13th, 2008 at 1:27 am
MJ-89 get your figures straight. 500 million U.S dollars were spent on fireworks ALONE over the course of the olympics. The 100 million you talked about only accounts for the electricity, lighting equipment, projection/audio equipment, seating, and air conditioning used only during the duration of the opening ceremonies.
To get a total sum of money spent on the opening ceremonies you need to take in the money needed to train five thousand performers over the course of two years, providing them with facilities, professional trainers, food/living, rehearsals, costumes, and the construction of the Bird’s Nest.
Thats not even mentioning the massive amount of money put into beijing’s giant makeover. Along with bullet trains and tripling the size of its airport and subway line.
I guess China and the U.S are the only countries capable of such spending.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:14 am
Fuck there’s a lot of replies, mine will just be lost in the middle of freaking nowhere.
I was scrolling and scrolling and I did get a glimpse of someone sayint that Asian chicks have small boobs and sideways vaginas and that just cracked the shit out of me LMAO
not sure if it’s true though (kidding kidding my Asian peeps) haha
August 13th, 2008 at 1:12 am
禾草唐楷
允许我解釋。首先，我為什麼道歉必须是慘酷語法用中文。 這是，因為我們在誰的國家的語言有古怪的習性認為它是更加禮貌講話我們设法談話。它是我们的一關於我們的墨西哥移民的更加共同的怨言他們經常不讲英语，并且我們趨向(為誠然原因在我的領悟之外)假髮在像標誌的事在二種語言。并且，因為我們是太繁忙的吃乳酪漢堡和觀看的橄欖球，我們不可能通过譯者的至於大部分讀或明白中文除了，如babelfish。我必須說，它是樂趣至少公開地的確聽見中國政府喜歡我們。 并且祝賀您的在他們的許多獎牌的隊! 我自己不跟隨奧林匹克，因此這是第一I’ ve聽說了它!
August 13th, 2008 at 1:01 am
While I’ll agree that the Olympics are a multi-national conglomerate for the U.S. syndicated television business. I don’t see how it affects day to day relations with these other countries in respect to foreign affairs.
I respectfully request that the winner of the games be announced as Sovereign of the World until the next games. Otherwise what the fuck is the point.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Here’s the translation for Tangkai (see Chinese above). Tangkai you need to translate it so we know what the heck you’re saying. While for me your 2nd paragraph comes off as sheer arrogance (that’s just my perspective), I do agree with your 3rd one.
—————————————————————————————————————-
-Grass Tangkai-
I certainly know how to use Google’s translation of Chinese into English, of course I know, believe me, I really know ~ ~ ~
But why » Why do I need translation into English of my Chinese » » »
We Chinese people have every one of our athletes in a perfect performance on the Beijing Olympic Games, is pleased, be proud! ! !
We have made a lot of gold, Oh, God, but a lot of gold, a lot! ! ! We are very pleased, so every day we dance to sing, do not sleep at night, to celebrate our great victory! ! ! Oh! ! ! What a great victory! ! ! . He. He! ! ! !
The Chinese government told our people, the Sino-US relations are very close, like像一家人, we should be happy you are happy, our victory is your victory, the Chinese people and people of the United States so close and friendly, you should also We are pleased to, I guess you must think so, right
—————————————————————————————————————–
I’d say not only your victory is our victory, but everyone’s victory is the world’s victory. That said, deep in my heart I want everyone to do their best, but the U.S. to do better. But that’s just the patriotism talking.
Although in terms of China having a lot of medals, I think they’ve tapped out their “gold reserves”. By that I mean their sweeping events, like gymnastics and diving. And weight lifting. The U.S. is running low too, swimming almost half over, but I don’t know the status of our track and field team. But hey, we still have 3 more gold medals coming if fate smiles on Phelps. The U.S. vs. China medal count is at 27/10 to 22/14 respectively medals/golds. We closed the gap on golds, and widened the medal count. Not too shabby, although I did sit through the agonizing silver place finish of the U.S.’s women’s gymnastics. Gotta hand it to the Chinese girls, they’re good, especially for being not of legal age for the Olympics(younger than 16 by 12/31/08)
August 13th, 2008 at 12:05 am
I loved the pissed off Chinese guy! Oh Hibachi! Is being part of a brutal dictatorship ruling over a bunch of starving rice farmers getting under your skin? Are you irritated that the only war China has won in the last fifty years was one against a bunch of Tibetan buddhists? I must say that I’d be pretty pissed if my country had the worst pollution in the world, a military that the United States (a country with 1/4 as many people) could crush in roughly half an hour, a massive poverty problem and rules about how many children you can have. Even if we do become your “bitch” at least I can be happy that I get three square meals a day and can breath the air without developing instant lung tumors, something most Chinese people can’t say thanks to their oppressive and controlling beauracratic government.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
I don’t think that this is the spirit Mr. Bob (Olympic) wished the citizens of the world to unite upon. I believe it was a spirit of Asskickedness that he was focused upon back in 02 (read: BC). When he first proclaimed “Let the Games Begin”, I believe he had no nationalistic agenda, he just had a Roman Emperor complex that needed to be resolved. As it was in the Coliseum games of ‘02 (read AD). Christian’s provided great sport and the fans loved it. There was no agenda of perpetuating national or racial stereotypes. JUST KILL CHRISTIANS!.
I think the spirit of the games has degraded over the centuries to a stereotypical nationalistic campaign of bigger dick syndrome. Where are the tigers to kill christians?
I for one won’t watch. The bloodsport has become too whitewashed.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
First off: I am not the guy that commented on August 12th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Second: In response to dr. noobfragger, I am well aware that “Jap” is offensive. And in the context of expressing the sentiments of a large proportion of the Chinese population toward Japan, pretty damn accurate.
The point that this is “their sweet sixteen, their first kiss, and their senior prom all rolled into one” pretty much nails why some Chinese people find this article absolutely offensive. If, at the time, you were to laugh at a girl for how slobbery her first kiss was, or how silly her prom dress looks, or how much of a dick was her first boyfriend, I’m about 90% sure that the girl would pretty much hate you for the rest of her life. But give her another 20 years and I’m sure that she’d be the one poking fun at herself for how ridiculous she was to give a damn about any of that. That’s how it’s gonna be with these Olympics: I’m pretty sure some of the excesses that the Chinese have done to make this look good will seem pretty unnecessary down the road, but you can’t poke fun at it all and not expect us to be offended.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
@robergug……我当然知道如何利用Google翻译中文成为英文，我当然知道，相信我，我真的知道~~~
但是，为什么？我为什么需要翻译我的中文成为英文？？？
我们每一位中国人都为我们的运动员在完美的北京奥运会上的表现，感到高兴，感到骄傲！！！
我们取得了非常多的金牌，噢，上帝，那可是非常多的金牌，非常多！！！我们很高兴，我们因此每天跳舞唱歌，晚上不睡觉，来庆祝我们伟大的胜利！！！哦！！！多么伟大的胜利！！！哈哈哈哈！！！！
中国政府告诉我们人民，中美关系很亲密，就好像一家人一样，我们的开心就应该是你们的开心，我们的胜利就应该是你们的胜利，中国人民和美国人民如此亲密友好，你们也应该为我们高兴，我猜你们也一定是这样认为的，对吗？:-)
August 12th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Whoa there Justin, don’t go egotistical on us. We don’t want to hear about how you save New York once a week (Kidding). But seriously you don’t need to go on hammering the fact that you’re better. It makes you seem kind of desperate. You did an excellent job at the start.
Computron, I don’t want to flame you, but shut up. There are elements, that are crap, like NBC monopolizing the Olympics, helping Microsoft monopolize, but the athletes? Amazing. Obviously you’re not an athlete and have no appreciation for sports, which is why you can’t appreciate the Olympics. What they do is incredible. Don’t trash the Olympics.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Didn’t watch the opening ceremonies: Too busy enjoying my American house (big fucker, too–very UNpolitically correct), cooking steaks over a natural gas-fired grill with my unusually good looking American wife (our families originated in shitty other-place countries, but came here, and now we’re rich and good looking).
Yeah, we’ll get some medals, but not as many as the zombies—sorry, Chinese—who will return to their shitbox villages or shoebox city apartments and gloat about their superiority over the Americans. Us? We’ll just keep being ourselves, and the rest of you will keep trying to be like us, denying it all the way. Gold medals? Buddy, we ARE the gold medal.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
For having a small dick he can surely leave a lot of people butt hurt…
August 12th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Wow. Just…WOW. Did uh, anyone else think that the opening ceremony was an amazing spectacle, without getting a shiver down their backs about how China will invade us all? And is anyone else impressed with the way the Chinese team have shone so far, and the amazing work they have put into their facilities? Seriously guys, stop bitching.
It is their way of doing things, and whatever methods they used, whatever parts of the whole affair you may think are not right, it is their chance to do these Games. So just let them do it. Think how annoyed you all would have been if other countries had popped up criticising the way you ran the Atlanta games (this is mainly directed towards the American nationalist crowd here). Also, neither you nor me are currently in China, so all those things we hear about them and what they do may be complete bullshit. Media outlets have rarely let the truth get in the way of a good story.
And while I am a little worried about the health effects those Chinese weightlifters will suffer from their steroid cocktails (just relatively, I don’t think the Chinese pharmaceutical companies are QUITE as worried about long term health effects caused by their drugs as the European and USA team doctors) you cannot deny that the Chinese Mens Gym team was AMAZING. So were the Japanese to be honest. And you can’t really help Gym much with steroids. Just a fuckload of hard work.
I’m obviously not American, and my country has yet to win a medal
(but wait till the rowing, New Zealand rowers ftw) but I say sit back, enjoy the games, and worry a little more about Russia. Seriously…
Hibachi “I’m just pretending to be Chinese” Wu had a point when it came to the drug fueled US athletes though. I mean…at least be SUBTLE about it ffs….
August 12th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
The Best Nipple Slips of All Time and not a single nipple slip came from the 30,000+ Chinese women that participated in opening ceremonies. How do you have 30,000 Asian chicks prancing around and not show a single nipple? Disappointing to say the lest
August 12th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Chinese spectators are sitting there chanting “Jia-you! Jia-you!” Sitting next to them are the Americans chanting “USA! USA!” and next to them are an eclectic bunch of guys with glasses and pocket-protectors chanting “USB! USB!”
Lighten up guys! This is Cracked, not Blogworld of Blogwars!
August 12th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Not all Americans are fat. You’re either fat, or freakishly skinny, you anerexic bitches.
Australia is the fattest country in the world, not to mention the most racist, why isn’t anyone ripping on them?
Anyone who thinks the Chinese government is great is obviously blind, or incredibly stupid. Having the Olympics in China was a bad idea, 2 or 3 Americans have already been killed by chinese people. FUCK IT, let’s just take over China. Don’t fuck with the U.S.! We could easily bomb the damn place and have it all over, but we’re being nice because innocent people live over there. That’s the only reason the U.S hasn’t decided to fuck up all the Country’s that talk trash about us.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I think we can all give up this who’s better - China, USA, or Canada crap and agree that IRELAND RULES.
And no American or Australian can disagree with this since like half their country’s populations have Irish relatives (because of the great famine).
August 12th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I’d love a contest between countries when it comes to penis-size. Africa won’t be allowed to participate because they’d beat us. If China doesn’t beat us (and by that I mean the sexiest people on earth, the Dutch), they shall free Tibet and admit that Chinese people talk funny.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Who cared the opening ceremonies were partly fake anyways. All they proved is they can use a computer just as well as shitty George Lucas.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
And Hibachi, my dick’s bigger than urs. Not cause ur chinese (I don’t buy into that myth), but because you come off as an insecure little man.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
No comment. Not a Olympici fan. Why would I bother to watch that event? It’s all crap. Do something useful instead like hug a tree or something instead.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Oh and Hibatchi. Not everyone in America is fat. I’m not fat. I’m 6′ 2″ 190 lbs have six pack (not as deep set as when I weighed 170 but its still there- im 19 btw), and probably bench about twice ur body weight. If I wasn’t tall, didn’t exercise 2 hours a day, and have a freakishly high metabolism I probably would be obese given how much I eat everyday: America is very decadent and has a disfunctional food culture: but you can’t be so forceful with ur generalizations, because individuals like me will prove u wrong. You little bitch.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Hibachi “China Ftw” Wu. Settle the fuck down. I bet I could take you at any sport or olympic event without breaking a sweat. I don’t know you but I know enough about you from your post to know that this is true. U know why? Because people who get so caught up in ethno/national-centric pride are usually the type of people who haven’t achieved enough in their own lives to be proud of and have to live vicariously through people who are vaguely genetically similar to them. That goes to you and every other lazy bitch regardless of national or racial origin.
Look at how the Nazis used the olympics to get all pumped. This kind of nationalism is dangerous, is spawned from the same thought processes that lead to white supremacy, intolerance, and bigotry. So this is a freeish country and you can post whatever- but I think ur probably an unathletic soft-minded loser.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
thank you gambit, i didnt realize it waas pretty good until i looked at it agin…anyon ehear about the littrle chinese girl in the opening cermony who was decided by the politburo not to be singing good enough? they let her lip-synch their mantra, and the voice of a very cute little 7 year old was used [they replaced a little girl because in their demented minds, she wasn't perfect but then went ahead and used her voice anyhow]but seriously the sight of a little girl in the red dress singing kind of reminded me of the Nazis and Itlaians in Prelude to war documentary, shchindler’s list’s little girl abut seriously that was heart-stopping creepy…the little girl ’singing’ like it is an amzing honor for a country that if she has two cjildren, they will force her to murder one of them in the womb, and will never know freedom
August 12th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Yeah, Mckel, it may be 130,000 miles long, but it’s still only the diameter of a pencil and their video would still pixilate it.
Asian women do age amazingly well; I thought the one who cuts my hair was about 25 but she turned out to have a 22 year old daughter. She’s tight as hell. Her daughter’s a bitch though; they’re no fun when they get Americanized.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
If I might digress from my usual informative self. I’ve been watching the prime time Olympics from since it started. That means the main events are: Swimming, Gymnastics, Diving, and Beach Volley Ball. With Swimming and Beach Volley Ball dominated by the Americans, that means the other ones are dominated by… the Chinese. And since there’s on Beach Volley Ball team, and only 15 swimming events (not that much time wise), that leaves hordes of time for Gymnastics and Diving. I gotta say I’m so fucking sick of hearing the commentators fawn over the Chinese. I don’t mind them winning, but god damn, stop fucking talking about them! Christ. They maybe perfect, but we don’t need to hear it 30 times per event. I think I would get tired of any nationality, but with China good at 2 of them… I’m going ape shit.
Thanks for letting me vent.
P.S. Kudos to Florida and AsianOrange for great posts! And Mckel, that’s a terrifying picture you paint my friend.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
@China- I would like to thank you for the wonderful idea of Ramen noodles. I would have starved years ago if not for their salty goodness. And in the rare moment that I have more than 39 cents to spend, there’s a place a couple blocks away named Pi’s that makes a mean Szechuan Chicken. Because of this, I would like to sincerely apologize for having a larger peenis(extra “e” on pupose–symbolism) than you when I was 9 years old.
@Canada- I live in mid-Michigan, and there’s a guy down the road from where my parents live that collects maple syrup. It’s damn amazing, like Jesus himself cleaned his ears with my waffle. So you (and Aunt fucking Jemima) can keep your damn syrup.
@Anyone- What was the article about again?
August 12th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
$100mil…. they stretched that budget out by outsourcing the labour to India
August 12th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I’m not really into Asian chicks, but I kinda have to go with the Asian boobs. Maybe a little smaller, but it’s not too often you see a 50 year old Asian woman who has to lift her tit to show you her appendix scar. Main reason I’m not married…I live in fear of the softball in a sock fate that is older white woman boob. If I got married now, I’d spend the next 40 years of my life secretly measuring my wife’s boobs to see how much they’ve sagged each day, after she’s fallen asleep, then crying myself to sleep, and praying I die before she hits 60.
About the chinese small penis thing…
A little known fact is that the chinese can combine and form Mecha-super-penis-lucky-wish-bot. At 5.5 inches per penis (or something like that) x 1.5 billion guys, mecha-super-penis-lucky-wish-bot has a penis 130,000 miles long. Long enough to wrap around the equator 5 times and STILL sneak up behind you and poke you in the nasty way (or nice way if you’re among that 10% of the male population) when you’re not looking.
Be afraid America. Be afraid.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Dear MJ-89
I would believe your stories about the lack of inflatable pandas, were it not for your obvious misstep. You mentioned that you are a woman. No women read cracked articles.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Last time I checked, China does own America, seeing as if China decided to stop sending us stuff, our shelfs would be bare in two weeks. China should be disqualified because of their use of the “Conveyor Belt” athlete system, and actually usually threaten players lives if they dont agree to play. In CHina, the state is their god last time I checked and though they are freer, they are most certainly still commie-to-the-core and their army outnumbers us in convetional forces by 4 or 5 to 1, they have satelite killers, have hacked into the pentagon (which is an act of war, according to the international protections over the internet)…they produce over 75 to 80 percent of our consumable goods…they specifically are using these olympics to ‘beat the americans’, not mind you ‘compete’ but specifically to show how China is much better than the USA, by far. Blame pretty much all the politicains form Carter through the latest George Bush (who is just a pawn) [note:not the 1st term Reagan] who actually helped sell the US bits and peices to the winds…whatever you do dont cheer on the CHinese, itll hasten our demise and we would have to learn a neew dam alphabet…GO USA!!!!!!lets hope we can finsh ahead in the end, thisll probably be the last mostly real olympics (and yes NBC is owned by GE, which is 1/3 owned by ARab and CHinese investment groups)…and Russia’s coming back to Ass-Holedom (i.e the COld War just got mighty chilly again!)
August 12th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I think it would be cool if The Olympics would include some traditional Chinese games this year. Some of my personal favorrites are:
A) Drowning your unwanted baby girl in a bucket race.
B) Live cat skinning, dog milking, pigeon eating triatholon.
C) Stuffing the most family members into a 1 bedroom house-athon
Oh and BOOBIES!BOOBIES!BOOBIES!
August 12th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
What could possibly be more though provoking than boobies? Except, perhaps, even more boobies. With cocaine and maple syrup. Yum! Lick the coke, snort the syrup.
Ross, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is more prepared for football season than ol’ Hank.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Thanks, a lot of work went into that comment.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Glendoor…your posts are the most thought provoking I’ve ever read.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
You know there’s actually a facebook group about boycotting these olympics just because they’re in China? Now although I am often on facebook, usually the groups don’t phase me in the least. But when I saw that I was so pissed… The Olympics being in China is a GOOD thing. It forces us to learn more about their culture. It forces them to work with the rest of the world, and to welcome in people from cultures they would usually shun. Yeah, this shit in Tibet is ridiculous and terrible, but then protest THAT! DONT boycott the world event that is supposed to bring the world together.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
BOOBIES BOOBIES…………………..BOOBIES. BREASTSTROKE?……….BOOBIES!!!!!!
August 12th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Dude, the Manchurian Cracked!!! Crap, I have to be careful what we say now, they are everywhere!
August 12th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
To the two dudes who posted useful and insightful information on the background of different swimming strokes: Thanks! I didn’t know we let people like you in here.
To the rest of you race-baiting the Chinese and screaming “boobies:” As you were.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Shit, I’m full of errors today. Only 1 of the gymnastics golds is counted in the 13. They got 5 in weight lifting though, I’ve never known the Chinese to be buff and as jacked as our good Governator.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
@fneh: And you’re a douchebag for writing that. While I disagree with many of his points, there’s better ways to tell him that he’s wrong and then back it up. Try not to be an so much of an asshat.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Oh flip that 2nd score for China… It’s 20/13. My bad.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
you are a cunt…stop writing articles please
August 12th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
As a swimmer and a track athlete (well track was from high school) you can make the comparison with those two. It’s like thinking who was the first to say, “Well shit, you know, it would be a lot more exciting to throw some obstacles riiight there.” And thus hurdles were born. So then you have 100 and 300 (is it 400 in Olympics) hurdles. Same with swimming. You have different strokes. Off the top of my head, I believe there are 2 distances for each stroke, with the exception of freestyle, which has 4. 2 distances for the IM, and 3 relays, comes out to 15 swimming events total, give or take 1, depending on my memory.
Although whoever said that Butterfly is actually useful outside of competitive swimming is very, very wrong. While the kick may have practical application outside of the race, the upper body motion is just atrocious for everything else. The different lengths is definitely on the mark, like saying “What’s the difference between a Marathon and 100 m sprint? I mean it’s all running right?” Yes, I suppose it is.
Actually China did have to fight for their Gold in gymnastics to start with. The U.S. underdog Gymnastics team had the lead in what I believe was round 3 last night. Of course that was before they got onto the events they were good at. And we got on the events we were bad at. But we still pulled off a bronze! The Chinese gymnasts aren’t smaller than our guys though. The Chinese women gymnasts though (aka “Guys they’re not 12, they’re 16. We swear.”) are a different story.
If I may be allowed another actually statement (I’m gonna do it anyway) is that we actually have more medals than they do. (Truthfully I just looked it up to make sure I was right and they closed the gap rather fast…see 2nd scores). Last night it was 20/6 and 16/10 Medals/Golds for U.S. and China respectively, though now it’s 22/7 and 13/20. Consider these two points though: 6 of China’s golds are for gymnastics, if it wasn’t for that, they would have 7, (although if it wasn’t for swimming we… I don’t want to talk about it) and we would be tied. Point two is that Michael Phelps is competing in two events that have very good chances to earn another 2 golds, and if not (god help us) it’s still another two medals.
If you read through my whole little book there, thank you and congratulations, you’ve got some will power. If not, and you’re just reading this line, you’re a dick.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
J-Pappi I’m not American but ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOOTBALLLLL!?
I just remembered the MST3K film with the Hank Williams Jr lookalike where every line was that, and I snorted milk.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
One day America and China will stop acting up and settle down the way my country has (Englandland) and new ones will rise up and act like spoiled frat boys.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Sorry Brizz, but we suspect you are storing WMD in your trees. We’ll have to nuke your back yard. Then you’ll bow to the Mapely goodness from Vermont!
Also, Chuggs and Rogergug, thanks a shit ton for making that convoluted Chinese statement fuckstremely clear.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
retards nowadays..
August 12th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I personally think four shaky Americans lighting the torch with a Zippo while “hee hee” music is blaring would be totally sweet. Yes, I are think like this.
NakedApe, my character goes up two pants sizes usually during football season. Hank Jr. can tell us all about it.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
…@禾草唐楷 did you guys know that Google provides translation from Chinese to English? This what the poor chinese dude was trying to say and it looks quite like bullshit:
>
There are so many messages, I need to apologize to Chinese comments, because this is my mother tongue.
I strongly object to the author of the article, because he has a lot of insult to the Chinese people’s words, although the Internet so that we take very close, but you have received a good education, they should be good quality, the United States people, I say to ? »
Many people attended the opening ceremony of the Austrian participants, it is true, but you do not know, the Beijing Olympic Games opening ceremony and closing ceremony, the Paralympics opening ceremony and closing ceremony of the four charges together, still not a very small scale of the Doha Asian Games The opening ceremony of the greater cost. You clearly? » Many people are volunteers, many senior managers receive lower salaries, and so on and so on.
We are not holding the hands of the United States of Hamburg, the U.S. drinking Coke, you first listen to several American hip-hop music, everyone Yaoyaohuanghuang, four walk, with the Americans ZIPPO to ignite the torch, you have to Would think that this is a perfect opening » » » » Is that right » » » » You think this is the right » »
P.S. …I’m Italian but I have used a Zippo since my sweet sixteen, and I see nothing bad in using it to ignite an Olypic torch, even if it’s best used with Marlboro, though… P.P.S. be careful of the Chinese sites .cn, when searching for multimedia: they do what Chinese do best: they infect you with malware, telling you that your Media Player needs codecs… chinese codecs my ass..
August 12th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I just bought a bag of Doritos and a 12 pack of Natural Lite. I’m going to sit in front of the big screen for 6 hours and build me some character.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
If anyone cares this is what that person who posted with a Chinese symbol said (translated on babel fish so it may not be too reliable)
The message has these many, was sorry that I need to use Chinese to comment, because this is my mother tongue. I oppose author’s this article, because he has insults the Chinese people the words and expressions, although the Internet asks us to leave is very near, but you had received the good education, should the good behavior the quality, the American people, I say rightly? Many people attended the Austria attending opening ceremony, this is a fact, but you are not clear, Beijing Olympic Games opening ceremony, the closing ceremony, the Paralympic Game opening ceremony, the closing ceremony four item of expense sum totals, still did not have Doha Asian Games small scale opening ceremony expenses to be very bigger. You are clear? Many people are the volunteers, the higher managements receive the low salary, and so on and so on. In our hand is taking US’s Hamburg, drinks the US to be possible to be happy, how many your American listens to again hee hee music, everybody is together shaky, four walk, lights the torch with American’s ZIPPO, you will think that this will be a perfect opening ceremony???? Yes???? You are think like this????
August 12th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Bobobrain, now you’re just being mean-spirited. Everybody knows sports builds character.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
“Oh yeah; fuck China. Though Asian chicks are hot and I do likes me some General Tso’s chicken.”
AMEN!!! J-Pappi!!!AMEN!!!
August 12th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Sports, not religion is the true opiate of the masses. Governments trample on our freedoms while grown men sit sedentary on their couches watching others live out their inane fantasies. Otherwise intelligent men of great potential waste their intellects memorizing sports stats while Governments seize more and more power. It’s no wonder countries like China, the former Soviet Union, and Nazi Germany took the Olympics so seriously. They are selling us dreams, and we are paying with our very souls.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
R-I: I’m glad you made the distinction about which Georgia was getting invaded by the Rooskies; I was about to go all Red Dawn and shit up in this bitch. Don’t think I ain’t got the ammo. Your ex was 3/4 Khmer? Did she wear rouge?
Al Swearengen: that was the funniest fucking comment I’ve read here in weeks. God bless Deadwood.
I get my maple syrup from Publix; what’s the big deal?
Oh yeah; fuck China. Though Asian chicks are hot and I do likes me some General Tso’s chicken.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I’ll just pretend I never read this and go masterbate now. China and America suck. And I’ve always wanted to mutilate an asian person.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
the US Sarcasm team would be unable to compete with the GB Dry Wit team, and thus the universe would implode.
As I myself would be part of the GB Surreal Humour team.
I really want to bunch a Free Tibet protester in the stomach, not because of political issues but because in all common sense I refuse to take geographical and military/anthropotical history and status from someone who’s never left their commune in Montana.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Oh yeah? Well I get my maple syrup from the tree in my backyard, eh!!!
So fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you too, eh!!
August 12th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Fuck you Casnadian! We’d get our All-American maple syrup from Vermont! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! So Take off, eh!
August 12th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I have the strange vomit-y feeling that everyone is over-reacting… a Chinese dude says he’s proud to be Chinese. GO HIM! A bunch of Americans are proud to be Americans. GO THEM!
So what’s the big deal?
August 12th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Let us not be hating! Let us, rather, be appreciating!
August 12th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Well, it’s definitely not the most important thing to ever happen to China, but it is the biggest chance China’s had to show off to the world. And if you didn’t know already, showing off is *very important* to us Chinese. Important enough to spend $100 million on 2 one-time events. It reinforces our sense of cultural superiority.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
The chick from True Lies and Bring it On invented the telephone? I’ll be damned.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
no he wasn’t. Bell was though
August 12th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Elisha Gray wasn’t into Eugenics, was she? Maybe I can take my phone out of the trash after all?
August 12th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
King. “Fuck you Britain, We don’t want your taxes, or your KING. Fuck you”.
Oh well, you win anyway, Brizz. Casnadia can have him. We Americans don’t want him anyway. He was into eugenics and recommended the compulsory sterilization of people deemed to be a defective variety of the human race. Fuck eugenics. Fuck phones. I’m giving up phones because he was into Eugenics just like Swaim is giving up Card’s books because he hates gay marriage.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Okay I’m going to use a Madlibs response to this article.
China totally _____ my _____ hole, they try and strongarm _____ into thinking they ____ when really most of them are just upset about having very small ______. The Olympics are ______ on a great night, I’d rather watch re-runs of ________, or just touch myself to old ________. I think I’d rather ____ Michael Phelps than watch him _____ and I’m ____ gay. If you like Cracked.com, then you might ____ http://www.onblastatlast.com, it’s my _____ blog, I just make fun of stuff.
Hyde D Montage
August 12th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Not to get even more off topic but Elisha Gray invented the telephone
August 12th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I think we can kiss Georgia goodbye, as UN won’t do shit, NATO can’t be bothered with non-NATO countries and Russian government is a buch of ex-KGB bears.
I didn’t anything wrong with chinese spending loads of money for the show. After all, oriental countries do have a flair for grand stuff like this and that money wouldn’t have reached poor people anyways.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
And Queen? American’s hate the Queen. You don’t remember that whole American Revolution thing? That was a giant, “Fuck you Britain, We don’t want your taxes, or your Queen. Fuck you”.
And you keep saying “naturalized U.S citizen”. What does that even mean? When he had the money to decide where to spend the rest of his life, he didn’t pick Scotland. He didn’t pick Boston. He picked a small town in Ontario. Why? Because he was Canadian!!
August 12th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Oh yeah, just to back up my point, he retired to Halifax. He lived there for the rest of his life, and died in Canada. His house, family, company, and deathbed are all in Canada.
I win. I win. I win so hard. I win.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Wrong, Brizz. He was a subject of the queen whether in Scotland or Canada. He was Scottish and later became a naturalized U.S. citizen. I win!!
August 12th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
In 1870, he left Scotland and came to Canada. He was 21 then. He bought a house in Brantford (A Canadian city, in Ontario), and stayed for a few years. Then he worked in Boston. He would stay in Boston for the majority of the year, but spent his summers with his family in Brantford.
Why? Because he was Canadian and his house was in Canada. His telephone company, Bell, was Canadian. The first Bell building was built on Sheridan Street in Brantford. He was Canadian. I’m Canadian. I win.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
You = not so smrt,
Please type the word “sentence” as many times as you can. Perhaps you won’t misspell it in the future.
Oh, please, let’s turn this into a grammar war!!!
August 12th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Hey strongbadia7
“I think it has to do with plentiful food and all the time I’ve spent sitting on my ass, reading. In this way, I learned proper sentence structure and how to punctuate. In English and Spanish.”
If you are such a master of grammar, please explain to the class what is wrong with your last sentance.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
How could the Chinese NOT win every single medal?
Just go and recrute a bunch of martial artists, and BAM!
World domination.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Brizz,
Bell was never a Canadian or casnadian. He was Scottish, born in Scotland. He moved to Canada, developed much of his work in Boston, then became a naturalized U.S. citizen.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Fuck you world. Fuck you a lot. I just needed to say that. I really needed to say that.
I wish to destroy the world with lightning from my hands with the world screaming for mercy as my diabolical laughter fills the air while my robot minions use humans as construction material for construction material for a bridge to another world.
Just trying to change the subject from political douchbags to robot apocalypse.
PS this is a chinese article so… Fuck you China. I shall stop typing now.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Actually, the telephone was invented by Alexander Graham Bell. A Canadian. (Or Casnadian, they both work). Just thought I’d point that out.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Graham_Bell)
August 12th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
?
August 12th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
留言有这么多，抱歉我需要用中文评论，因为这是我的母语。
我非常反对作者的这篇文章，因为他有很多侮辱中国人民的词语，尽管互联网让我们走的很近，但是你曾经受过良好的教育，就应该表现良好的品质，美国人们，我说的对吗？
很多人参加了奥与会开幕式，这是事实，但是你们并不清楚，北京奥运会开幕式，闭幕式，残奥会开幕式，闭幕式四项费用合计，仍然没有多哈亚运会一个很小规模的开幕式开销更大。你们清楚吗？很多人是志愿者，很多高级管理人员领取较低的薪资，等等等等。
是不是我们手上拿着美国的汉堡，喝着美国的可乐，再听几首你们美国人的嘻哈音乐，大家一起摇摇晃晃，四处走走，用美国人的ZIPPO去点燃火炬，你们就会认为这是一场完美的开幕式？？？？是吗？？？？你们是这样认为的吗？？？？
August 12th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Lilmoof,
I don’t know. It looks to me like a hibachi is capable of quite the flame - enough to singe your eyebrows off - now kids, don’t try this at home:
http://media.collegepublisher.com/media/paper867/stills/98m38579.jpg
That’s @#$^&*^! science!
August 12th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
how about this, Jay:
1. children shouldn’t be allowed to drink.
2. cheeseburgers
3. Freedom
4. I’m pretty sure Americans can have sex whenever they want to, as well
5. Stealth fighters/bombers
6. Chuck Norris
7. Electricity, telephones, assembly lines, nuclear power
USA wins
August 12th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
i also why Wu would have the word hibachi in his name considering that the Chinese hate the Japanese just about more than any other country.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I find it odd that someone who’s name is basically a tiny cooking device (hibatchi) can get everyone all stirred up when he’s just NOT that capable of generating a lot of heat!
August 12th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Holy balls. I just left a comment not too long ago.
@ Wiglaf: Good point about Georgia. Russia, I would suppose, is seen as the bad guy in part because of their imperialistic history.
@ Cainbrain: I don’t think Russia could do that quite yet. They have some nice natural resources but I don’t think they have quite the capability to do that. Also, with a lot of eastern Europe not only joining westward-looking groups such as the E.U., but even backing the U.S.’s foreign policy when even our traditional allies reject it, I don’t think Russia could get the same eastern European foothold and dominance that it once had. Maybe a revived giant Lithuanian-Polish super-nation could emerge! Awesome! (I just love the idea of a somewhat powerful Lithuanian-Polish super-nation; that part of history always makes me smile.) Although, I do believe one part of the Pre-WWII Germany/current Russia comparison is correct–Germany had claimed that it felt encircled by hostile nations and thus needed to be offensive to be defensive. Russia has claimed it is threatened by eastern European countries wishing to join western alliances/groups/&c., e.g. the E.U., NATO. Nations that feel cornered do have a tendency to lash out. But a new Soviet Bloc is hard to imagine, esp. with Germany united and doing pretty well, and with the former Soviet Bloc countries (esp., say, the Czech Republic) looking more at European identity and remembering being under the Soviet heel. *Whew*
@ Poe: Well, yeah. I can’t argue with that point. U.S. boobs > Chinese Men’s Olympic Gymnastics Team.
@ Jengoism: You’ve never been to other countries, have you? Countries where they pretend they don’t know English and refuse to answer you in English unless you prove you’re not the stereotypical dumb American and you speak to them in their own language? I was in Praha (Prague) for the World Cup when the U.S. team played the Czech team. My classmates and I, U.S. citizens, watched the giant screen in the Plaza, surrounded by rabid Czech fans who constantly harassed the U.S. fans. (In good fun, though–I admired their restraint.) Nationalism isn’t so bad. Being proud of your country isn’t so bad. Cheering your country and wanting them to beat them in sporting events isn’t bad. Using nationalism as an excuse to wage war and do terrible things to other nations–true jingoism–is what’s evil. And if it’s based on race then wouldn’t it be racism, not jingoism?
@ Jay: Yes, the Chinese developed gunpowder, the printing press, paper, and the compass first. But the Europeans did so as well and then ended up conquering the entire damn world (minus Ethiopia–China wasn’t technically governed by the Europeans, but the spheres of influence that the Europeans had were so dominant that it didn’t really matter; Japan wasn’t technically controlled by Europe–but, after the Meji Restoration, it adopted and modified a lot of European ways and because a strong imperialistic power itself!) with it. Not that I’m saying imperialism was wonderful or anything, but China started strong and then kind of imploded. Overrun by the Manchus, then made into Japan’s bitch (again, that was horrible), then there was a brutal civil war that sometimes even erupted when the Nationalists and the Communists had a “truce” to fight the Japanese, and don’t forget the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution. Or earlier in history, the Opium War, the saddest war ever. (Fighting China to force it to accept the European opium trade? Wow.)
Dammit, I am never commenting on anything serious again. Seriously, way too much time.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
and for the record, I do hold cheeseburgers higher in regard when compared to things like patriotism, olymics, honor, ancestors etc etc.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
While I wont disagree Russia (as well as all other superpowers including US and china) are huge dicks, Georgia are the ones that threw the first stone.
And for the record, nationalism is stupid. Yes I know it’s the olymics, but remember you’re cheering athletes that represent your country, not governments. When it comes to having pride in ones own government, you can just suck a dick. The chinese need a second revolution (which many chinese know) and americans need to stop being so blindly anti-communist (the irony in this is china isn’t even communist) and overthrow their government as well…because the way it is set up is a joke.
Did you know that all the millions china spent on advanced surveillance and security was supplied by the US? China is just a testing ground, because they can more readily do what we (and I mean we as in US government) are aiming to do. The difference between china and the US is we more readily believe we aren’t oppressed (even though the will of the majority is constantly overlooked and undermined), whereas a lot more chinese in general know they are oppressed.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
@Kelvin
‘Jap’ is a completely offensive term, just so you know.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Stupidest argument ever.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
“Chairman Mao, biotch!” Good one Wiglaf.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
The funny thing is that instinctively those of us in North America see “cheering lessons” instinctively as a bad thing. That is NOT how Chinese people see it.
(Disclosure: 80% whitewashed HK Chinese transplanted in Canada)
Mainland Chinese people KNOW they do a lot of stuff that is gross and embarrassing, like spit on the streets. They are also vaguely aware that some of their more pointed displays of national pride do creep out foreigners (e.g. after any Jap insult to Chinese honour). So they have a GENUINE desire to express their real emotions of support for Team China in ways that would not embarrass the country, and they GENUINELY take these cheering lessons seriously because they’d be completely lost (or feel they’d be) if they tried to clean up their acts by themselves.
This generalization doesn’t apply to HK or Taiwan: the Chinese people there have generally been asked to think more for themselves.
PS: Hibachi is a Jap term. How any self-respecting Chinese can go trolling and use that name at the same time is beyond my comprehension.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Um… beer, boobies, and double cheeseburgers simply makes us way more awesome that the rest of the world. just sayin’
August 12th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Ok, Let me name some ways China is worse than US, American Style!
1. Some of China is still Villages, there you can render computer parts for their metals using an old crappy oven and sending a cloud of toxic fumes settling over your village
2. Chinese Food.
3. Money? Who has it?
4. Lots of abortions.
5. Standing Tax absorbing Army
6. Chairman Mao, biotch!
7. Communism, crappy music, and a pain in the ass “alphabet”
August 12th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Ok, Let me name some ways China is better than US, American Style!
1.Some of China is still Villages, there you can get drunk on rum at age of 7 if you want.
2.Chinese Food.
3.Money.
4.Lots of intercourse.
5.Army.
6.Jackie Chan and Jet Li, biotch!
7.Gunpowder, printing, paper, and compass.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Kingmonkey+1: dont forget Rush, Canada gave us the band Rush. And canadian beer (I dont drink so I wouldnt have any idea).
August 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Well played Mr. Wu. Well played indeed. Great job stirring up the hoople heads.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Look Mr Ipsa, all I know is that when I feel like smacking off while eating a Wendy’s Baconator Burger, it’s easier to crank it to good old fashioned American boobs than by watching Chinese men’s gymnastics.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
4**** I mean, still, not a lot in my book.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
“corrections” God I wish this thing had an edit button.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
…if Wu is so completely and totally enamored with his country’s superiority….why does he have a Japanese word in his nickname?
August 12th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
^^^see above for corections.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
cainbrain,
Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear. It’s not just the russians versus the georgians:
“South Ossetian separatist fighters launched rockets at a Georgian plane soaring overhead.”
Where did you get “20,000″? Last I heard, it was to dangerous for anyone to be determining the death toll.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
@ David - So many years of U.S. hosted Olympics? 3?
Summer Games:
1896 - Athens, Greece
1900 - Paris, France
1904 - St. Louis, Missouri USA
1906 - Athens, Greece*
1908 - London, England
1912 - Stockholm, Sweden
1916 - Not held**
1920 - Antwerp, Belgium
1924 - Paris, France
1928 - Amsterdam, Holland
1932 - Los Angeles, California USA
1936 - Berlin, Germany
1940 - Not held***
1944 - Not held***
1948 - London, England
1952 - Helsinki, Finland
1956 - Melbourne, Australia
1960 - Rome, Italy
1964 - Tokyo, Japan
1968 - Mexico City, Mexico
1972 - Munich, Germany
1976 - Montreal, Canada
1980 - Moscow, Russia
1984 - Los Angeles, California USA
1988 - Seoul, South Korea
1992 - Barcelona, Spain
1996 - Atlanta, Georgia USA
2000 - Sydney, Australia
2004 - Athens, Greece
2008 - Beijing, China
*Games not recognized by the International Olympic Committee.
**Games cancelled due to World War I.
***Games cancelled due to World War II.
And it was three for the Winter Olympics too.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
damn it, sorry every one. Over 2,000. Still to many zeros
August 12th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Silly. You can’t “gulp” self-righteousness! It has to be sipped and savored.
So, Jengoism, exactly which “race” does the U.S. represent in this “acceptable racism” you speak of? I bet you’re french. Sore loser.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
@kingmonkey
Thank you. Thank you for delicious maple syrup. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
I don’t see how anyone can top those opening ceremonies, ever!!
August 12th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
sorry 20,000 added an extra zero
August 12th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Wiglaf you don’t slaughter 200,000 people in less than a week for “escalating hostilities” in a part of a country. Russia’s attack is completely over the top and warrants action.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I love nationalistic jingoism and no one does it better than the US and China:
Hooray country that I was born in! Boo every other country! Our people (every last one of them including serial killers, pedophiles, and crooked politicians) are so much better than you are. We’re not fat, you’re too thin. We’re not too thin, you just like beef too much. Now I’m going to make a comparison of your country to Nazi Germany just to really drive my point home!
Whew, all that thinly veiled, totally acceptable racism wrapped in a cloak of patriotism sure does get me thirsty. I think I’ll go take a nice big gulp of self righteousness. MMMM, refreshing!
August 12th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
cainbrain, I think that assessment is not correct, but I’ll have to see where Russia goes with this.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I’m surprised the censored internets of China allowed Wu to view this website. I could’ve sworn the thought police outlawed humor or at least attempts at it.
Better yet, Wu, why don’t you go to Beijing and protest your government. Say that they suck, blah blah, blah and what would they do tell me? We both know. But you wouldn’t do it because they brainwashed you to believe that China and their “wonderful” government can do no wrong.
Eh. Fuck politics.
I’m so fucking hot. Both figuratively and literally. But more good looking than sweaty. Deal with it and be jealous. You guys should know this.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Oh yeah Ipsa, Russia (The government, not the people for any Russians out there) is being a complete asshole. I believe that they were waiting all this time to make a move and try to reunite the U.S.S.R. and extend their control into the Euro-Asian regions. The U.N. will probably puss out like usual and let this whole thing go unanswered. The attack is eerily reminiscent to the German attacks on Poland at the outset of World War II. Hopefully someone will put a stop to it.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Res_Ipsa,
Georgia is being a dick for escalating hostilities with South Ossetia and claiming sovereignty over South Ossetia which has, up to now, been basically independent.
So basically, everyone over there is acting like dicks. It just so happens that Russia’s dickiness is more noticeable than everyone else’s.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Simius Rex: She’s only 1/4th Chinese; she’s 3/4ths Khmer (Cambodian). But the comment was about Asians in general, so I think my point still stands! ^_^
August 12th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Dammit I forgot to unbold the rest of it.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Res_Ipsa, can you please provide us with pictures of your ex-girlfriend’s boobs so that we may have proof of your statement? If you need to get her permission, just let her know it will be in the interest of human understanding, and advancing Sino-American relations.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Royal Monkey Adding One–We’d also be without bears. Bears, the illegal immigrants from Casnadialand. And you also forget about the great Casnadianlandian export of Violencesport, a/k/a hockey.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
cameron_poe: No, only Japonaise pussy run-a crosswise.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Bucholz–I didn’t know robots cared about the Olympics. Or are you amused by us feeble humans trying to pretend we can do amazing physical things that robots could easily do, and on their motorbikes, to boot?
August 12th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
It’s amazing how ingrained national identity is into most folks. If someone insults your nation, are they insulting you? We are not countries. If someone has a mistaken belief about your culture, why should you be offended by that? Why should you be offended by someone else’s misunderstanding? You can try to educate people about the differences between actuality and stereotypes, of course. Attacking someone out of defensive reactionism isn’t going to help you, though.
Many Chinese people have done amazing things, and the same is true for Americans. But just remember where you’d be without us Casnadians: eating your pancakes and waffles without delicious maple syrup, that’s where.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
“Imagine the 100 meter sprint, only every competitor had to use a different funny walk from that old Monty Python sketch, and the whole thing is set to banjo music.”
Ah yes, the Ministry of Silly Walks sketch. That would be fucking amazing.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Poe: “Asian girls, while scorchingly hot, have small boobs and sideways vaginas.” Having dated an Asian for two and a half years, and seen her family members, I can assure you that this is not true. Their vaginas are wonderful and unless you count large B cups and/or small C cups as “small,” there are Asians with very nice, plentiful boobs.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I’m too lazy to read the above comments, so:
1) Bucholz–as a former swimmer (yes, everyone gasp), I can say that there are so many swimming events because honestly, the four different strokes (back, breast, fly, free) are completely different in how you swim and compete, the different lengths (100, 200, 400) all require different strategies, and relays actually require strategy as well . . . yeah. That’s why there are so many swimming events. Watching the U.S.A. team beat the French team in the relay was awesome. I was jumping up and down.
2) Watching the opening ceremonies scared me. (It was also amazing.) If they can accomplish that, no one has any chance against them. *shudder* Also, the stupid station jumped to commercial during the whole “history part” and so I didn’t get to see the time frame of: the Second Sino-Japanese War (pre-WWII), World War II, the Chinese Civil War, the Korean War (where the Chinese forces pushed the U.N. forces back to the Pusan perimeter before being repelled), the Great Leap Forward, and the Cultural Revolution–so I’m really wondering how that was handled during the “history” portion! (If anyone knows and wishes to enlighten me, thanks.)
3) Anyone else think Russia is a dick for escalating the hostilities in Georgia (the former Soviet republic, not the state) during a time when the whole world is supposed to put aside their hostilities and compete with athletics instead of weapons?
August 12th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
@Kevio: Probably to forget the crushing horror of living under an oppressive government.
@ Poe: You sir, are steeped in WIN.
@ Jenna: I TOTALLY agree.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Wu has every right to be proud of the individual achievements of his country. He just should try to lay off from stereotyping the entire North American people and learn to take a joke.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I seem to remember there were serious alcohol problems in China - all the kids were getting tanked.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Now see here Wu, you can make fun of my country’s cheering, our athletes, and even our Cracked.com bloggers, but I’ll be Goddamned if I’ll sit here on my fat American ass and let you insult beer, boobs, and double cheeseburgers, with out at least complaining about it.
Of course you can’t understand the awesomeness of those three things. Asian girls, while scorchingly hot, have small boobs and sideways vaginas. Asian beer completely sucks. And
have you ever even had a delicious double cheeseburger, made from, ya know, beef instead of dog? It’s completely different my friend.
Congratulations, Wu your country is better than mine because their teeny nimble bodies impress the judges of a pommel horse competition more so than Americans.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
The one and only reason it’s a big deal, is ‘cos its the ONLY thing in the near future that will halt America wailing on their asses for being communist. You know, ‘cos USA just can’t leave other countries political idealogies or religions alone and stuff.
In reality, it’s just as boring and lame as every other summer olympics since archery got kicked off the television coverage because they train the competitors so well, they don’t accidentally hit bystanders or judges with the arrows anymore.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
eh, maybe, but the ‘fat americans’ stuff isn’t either. moreover, this isn’t exactly the institute for international political correctness. it’s a humor site, and since it’s managed to attract a few trolls on whom western sarcasm is lost, i thought i’d throw something into the mix to see what happens. picture mixing acids and bases if you need a metaphor.
frankly, the comparison isn’t all together inappropriate, all the nationalist pomp and circumstance being what it is. and to be fair, i never made any claims about how the U.S. ranks in comparison.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
“Imagine the 100 meter sprint, only every competitor had to use a different funny walk from that old Monty Python sketch, and the whole thing is set to banjo music.”
That would be FUCKING AWESOME!! I would actually watch the Olympics just to see that.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
@skipper
everyone has vastly larger penises than the chinese. even the dutch.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
@Manda
We owe the Chinese trillions, not billions.
@Hibachi
Doesn’t change the fact that we Americans have vastly larger penis’ than the Chinese
@Hibachi and Gemineye
cainbrain posted an edit immediately after his original post. Way to over react without even reading to the end of the thread.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
hey, hibachi. F*** YOU!!! if youre so proud of being chinese, why dont u go and join one of your contries “olympic training camps” where they steal children from their families and work them to the bone so that they can “honor their country in the olympics”. maybe then u can show all the other countries up, with your advanced chinese skills. china has gone way too far in their quest for gold, and its disgusting. u have no right to critiscise other countries, or to be proud of your own.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Hmmm all this talk makes me hungry from some Chinese food.
I think I’ll just roll my fat American ass down to the Chinese restaurant for some delicious Shrimp Fried Rice!
August 12th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
That was uncalled for dystopic
August 12th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
these Olympics are the ‘36 Nazi Berlin games of our time.
so, China, put that in your opium den and smoke it.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I’m not trying to say anything against the Chinese people (they’re some of the best people in the world), I’m just saying that the Chinese goverment does not do enough for its people and allows many to go hungry rather than give up their control over the population. I also know that is dosn’t go before die I already said I was sorry for that mistake. I do have a job as well, but I work out at night.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:59 am
This was GREAT. Awesome work.
Hibachi, I may be chubby, but I’ve never played WoW ever. I think it has to do with plentiful food and all the time I’ve spent sitting on my ass, reading. In this way, I learned proper sentence structure and how to punctuate. In English and Spanish. To summarize: Fuck Communism.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:50 am
veaudaux, my thoughts exactly.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:50 am
@veaudaux
“we rank national pride and sportsmenship in front of a bottle of beer, some boobies and ohh. dont forget a grilled double cheeseburger”
cause we are chinese. not homer simpson
August 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
@cainbrain
we do not choose to “die” from hunger, you guys chose to be fat
August 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
good for you mr. texas. you must not have a job then. also you don’t need ‘is’ before dies. (i’m canadian, your little brother) it’s people like you that make the rest of the world hate americans. (i know alot of americans who are great, smart people. but this guy is an asshole)
August 12th, 2008 at 11:34 am
I once read that virtually every city to host the Olympics has ended up with a huge deficit as a result of overspending to show off to the world. Given that the Olympics are a huge point of contention (not to mention a sham… AMATEUR athletics! AMATEUR!), I wonder why so many people put so much stock in them.
They are just games, and arbitrary contests of physical prowess. If China beats America, or Canada beats Zimbabwe, what does it matter? It doesn’t make me better than you. It doesn’t make Americans or Chinese superior to one another.
“You got to listen for the pop, Wilson.”
“Oh, and what’s the pop?”
“That’s the sound you’ll hear when you finally take your head out of your ass.”
August 12th, 2008 at 11:32 am
So I guess cracked.com is allowed on the Chinese’ censored version of the internet?
August 12th, 2008 at 11:30 am
“we rank national pride and sportsmenship in front of a bottle of beer, some boobies and ohh. dont forget a grilled double cheeseburger”
You’d rather swim the fastest than enjoy boobies, alcohol, and red meat?
.. why?
August 12th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I would love to be a key member of the US Olympic Sarcasm team but I am stil mystified to what the contests would be?
August 12th, 2008 at 11:15 am
sorry for the last sentence, I was typing fast
August 12th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Hibachi “China Ftw” Wu, yes clearly all Americans are fat as you can see from our team at the Olympics. They are clearly overweight compared to a lot of people in China who can’t afford a decent meal.
As for me I live in Texas (one of the so called fatter states) and I’m a lean 125 lbs at 5′10. I sprint 7 miles every day accompanied with weight lifting and 500 sit-ups.
I’d rather have a population that is fat then one that is dies from hunger.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:10 am
You do realize that those were all soldiers, not dancers in the opening cerimonies?
This was also a display of China’s military percision.
We are borg, resistance is futile.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:09 am
According to Mr. Wu’s post, if we added humor and sarcasm to the Olympic games, we could for sure win more medals than the Chinese. Apparently, they get too but-hurt.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:07 am
“At the last moment a member of the Chinese politburo who was watching a rehearsal pronounced that the winner, a girl called Yang Peiyi, might have a perfect voice but was unsuited to the lead role because of her buck teeth.”
LOL. Buck teeth.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:02 am
LOL. It’s about time we had some good Chinese trash talk!!
Oh, how about that 1990’s Chinese swim team (particularly 1992 Olympics and 1994 championship), eh?
August 12th, 2008 at 10:54 am
first and foremost.i’m a chinese and i’m uber proud of it. so after reading through tat piece of wtf material wrote by u , i’m feelin the urge to gg some of ur bs, and and the same time. stuff some dim sums up ur arrogant american arse.
@”the Chinese have also set out to ensure that these Olympics will have the best atmosphere ever, and have been providing locals with cheering lessons”
yeh, though in china we have a different name for this awesome lesson. its called “how not to cheer like the americans in public, for both manners and safety reasons”
@I found this surprising, as everything I’ve heard about Chinese audiences suggests they can’t watch sports without screaming and clenching betting slips in their fists.
mmm..well we do scream…a lot actually..usually from the shock of watching drug enhanced US atheletes hogging all the medals from everyone else and act so cocky afterwards like they own the world or something. oh did u mention bettin slip? yeh we usually bet on which US athelete will get busted first for drug use. i betted on marion jones . nuff said
@one gets the impression that as far as the Chinese are concerned, these Olympics are the most important thing to ever happen to them.
yep. unlike most of u fat american cupcakes. we rank national pride and sportsmenship in front of a bottle of beer, some boobies and ohh. dont forget a grilled double cheeseburger
@It’s their sweet sixteen, their first kiss, and their senior prom all rolled into one.
1) first kiss in 16? say hi to ur uncle Mr.jackson for me.
2) what would u know about senior prom? u r a cracked.com writer. after all
@China, you’ll be a woman soon…
America, you’ll be our bitch very soon…
meh all tat been said. gl to phelps. i have my bet on u this time around.dont disappoint me, have fun switching piss tubes. peace out
p.s cracked editor. plz dont delete this post, allow some of ur chubby WOW players to flame what i just said, after all. america is a mother fucking free country and there is no censorship of any sort,since u guys are the furthest thing from being communists, right?
August 12th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Zombor, I’ve got my cricket bat handy. I’ll be ready!
Oh, you’ve got red on you.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:18 am
It doesn’t matter if China takes over the world, the zombie apocolypse began its slow rise in April, in Quan’Sul Cambodia.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Why use $100 mil to feed a good portion of your starving population or strengthen your infrastructure when you can blow it all on some gaudy, self indulgent and overly nationalistic floor show?
When they blatantly ignored the darker chapters of Communist oppression and jumped straight from ancient China to the 1970’s made me want to throw up.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:08 am
An NBC announcer guy DID say that Beijing 2008 is the most important event for China EVER. So, in 5,000 years of recorded Chinese history, Beijing 2008 is the most important event…according to the retard on NBC.
Really, they should have potato sack races in the olympics. That would be heil hitler hilarious!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:07 am
It was only a matter of time tlcfasho … everyone get your little red books ready, the infiltration of Cracked can only be their first (and biggest) step toward total world domination…
Two chinese mice speaking in a laboratory:
“Hey Jang, what do you want to do tonight”
“Well, Zu, the same thing we do every night … try and take over the world”
Cue music:
“It’s Zu … Zu and Jang jang jang jang jang”
August 12th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Grass Tangkai, if it really was all just games then why is it important enough for a bunch of people to get excited over swimming. Swimming dude.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:00 am
lol She’s All That reference.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:59 am
ALL YOUR BASES ARE BELONG TO US!
August 12th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Okay, so the Chinese needed cheering lessons. The culture is a little different, that’s all. They still enjoy shows, but they’re a bit more reserved about it. What do you think we look like to them when we scream and jump around at random? Hell, they probably think we’re crazy. This is their deal, so let them do it their way.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Oh shit its a chinese guy. were boned. fuck. shit. what do we do now? THE CHINESE HAVE INFILTRATED CRACKED!
August 12th, 2008 at 9:36 am
hey,you,I’m Chinese，
—-most important thing to ever happen to them—
We dont think so,it’s not the most important…….,just sport games,games~~~you know???
我们可以为你们美国人的运动员菲尔普斯欢呼鼓掌，我们也同样可以把掌声送给你们的总统布什~~~
我们的心胸要比你想象的大的多，奥运对我们来说就是一场游戏而已，
中国人自己花钱让中国人自己开心，同时也顺带能让你们开心一下而已，
你就不必太费心了~~~
August 12th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I agree with flogging weed. The chinese scare the shit out of me, and they basically own us already with all of the billions of dollars we have borrowed from them. I also suspect they own NBC because I can’t recall any other Olympics that they have pushed down our throats like this one. If they ever decide to start invading countries, we’re pretty much fucked.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:20 am
I just want one of those rolling TV’s
August 12th, 2008 at 9:12 am
Actually the butterfly is almost as fast as freestyle, and it’s useful for swimming through choppy waters, like for those triathletes and english channel swimmers. But you probably don’t care.
The Chinese won the Men’s Gymnastics fairly easily too.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I’m an American living in China now. I’m nowhere near Beijing but everybody is still extremely excited. It’s refreshing after so many years of US-hosted olympics, and the average American’s reaction: (Guy stops flipping through channels a moment) “Oh, I guess the Olympics are happening this year. Salt Lake City this time, is it? Huh…”(proceeds flipping channels)
August 12th, 2008 at 9:05 am
China you say?
August 12th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Chinese are taking over the world. Hell, they even own most of the richest private companies here in Philippines, not to mention the whole Asian continent,
August 12th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Great post.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:49 am
good read, i will look for your first one.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Yep, they sure are making a huge deal about the Olympics. Like, I know it’s a big deal but they’ve gone pretty extreme. US$100 million on the opening and closing ceremonies combined? Come on.
When the opening ceremony finished (as awesome as it was) I turned to my boyfriend and asked where the hell the giant blow up pandas were. I just assumed they would have giant blow up pandas and was seriously upset when they didn’t. For US$100 million I would have had at least one inflatable animal!
August 12th, 2008 at 8:45 am
CHINA IS GOING TO KILL US ALL.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:38 am
SECOND! improbable!
August 12th, 2008 at 8:37 am
First? Impossible. I don’t even work at cracked.