Some of you may recall that a few months ago, for reasons known only to myself, I wrote multiple posts on the then-upcoming Olympics in Beijing in which I made reference to assorted political issues in China, and may have repeatedly suggested that all Asians look the same and are crafty. The combination of topical political commentary and hate-speech proved particularly unpopular with Cracked readers, and I sort of backed away from that for awhile, turning my attention towards loftier journalistic pursuits. Well, those days are over, because fuck you guys, I’m writing about the Olympics.
The biggest event of every Olympics that isn’t Men’s Floor Gymnastics, is of course the Opening Ceremonies. The Opening Ceremonies are sort of like a longer Super Bowl half time show, only featuring a few more children of the world wearing bright primary colors. Also there’s usually no aging rock artist performing a medley of their biggest hits. Every opening ceremony also has a theme, usually something wishy-washy, like “Achieve” or “Bloating.” The theme this year was: “China is Awesome, Bitches.” First, every single segment of the ceremony featured thousands upon thousands of dancers moving in perfect lockstep. The sheer quantity of performers underlined the fact that no-one’s as good at throwing thousands of Chinese people at a problem like the Chinese are. On top of that, several of the dances and segments boasted of great inventions the Chinese are evidently laying claim too, like fireworks, bamboo, and children.
Along with their prodigious own-horn-blowing, the Chinese have also set out to ensure that these Olympics will have the best atmosphere ever, and have been providing locals with cheering lessons. Evidently officials were worried that the traditionally reserved Chinese fans would dampen the mood of the games. I found this surprising, as everything I’ve heard about Chinese audiences suggests they can’t watch sports without screaming and clenching betting slips in their fists.
In terms of the actual sports, the biggest story to date is probably the American swim team beating the French in one of the thousands of swimming events that have taken place. This was more than just a typical heartwarming, fuck-the-French story that always gets a lot of airplay every Olympics - prior to the race, the star French swimmer, who I’m imagining had an unlit Gitane dangling loosely from the side of his mouth at the time, taunted the American swimmers, and promised that the French would smash them. This incident naturally got most Americans pretty riled up, and is believed to be what precipitated the only known instance of Bob Costas screaming “Eat my ass France!” on network television.
Also, what the fuck is up with the ridiculous number of swimming events? Do we really need all these strokes? Just to recap, there’s the fast way to swim, and three slow ways. Why do they all get a dozen medaled events each? There aren’t separate medals for throwing javelins with your off-hand or bobsledding while half in the bag, so why the swimmers get hundreds of extra medals for swimming slowly is beyond me. Imagine the 100 meter sprint, only every competitor had to use a different funny walk from that old Monty Python sketch, and the whole thing is set to banjo music. That’s basically what the 100m butterfly looks like to me.
The main concern from before the games, the possibility of protesters bringing both their terrible odors and great shame to China, hasn’t been much of an issue yet. I gather there’s been a few smallish protests, but no major brou-ha-has. The biggest worry for the Chinese was the possibility of an athlete with a protest sign or waving a Tibetan flag during the Opening Ceremonies. It didn’t happen, so we’ll never know how the Chinese would have reacted to it, but I’d like to imagine 30 guys dressed like this falling upon a Norwegian cyclist and just kicking his guts in.
The feeling of these games are quite different from any others I can recall. With the boastful opening ceremonies, the micromanaged cheering, the 40 or 50 gold medals China had already won as I write this, and the nervous energy underlying everything else, one gets the impression that as far as the Chinese are concerned, these Olympics are the most important thing to ever happen to them. It’s their sweet sixteen, their first kiss, and their senior prom all rolled into one. They’re wearing a dress they sewed themselves, and Freddie Prinze Jr. is crossing the room towards them. China, you’ll be a woman soon…
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
- How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding - November 18th, 2008
- Everything I need to know I learned from He-Man - November 11th, 2008
- Campaign 2008: The Year in Pictures - November 4th, 2008
- The Scouts are offering a Merit Badge in Boning - October 28th, 2008
- 10 Reasons Canadian Elections are better than your Elections - October 14th, 2008
November 21st, 2008 at 2:14 am
dude you know what I’m talking about! soy desole
October 3rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Hello. And Bye.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I wish I could have seen the opening ceremonies for this year in person. They were so amazing. The Chinese know how to party . . . I love it.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=5
August 18th, 2008 at 4:42 am
Why must you constantly berate China about the buck toothed girl? Its their olympics so let them do what they want, just as long as its not illegal. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy. SO ENJOY!!
August 16th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Oh, because it is abject proof, that multiple Chinese Giv’t agencies have given multiple ages for the same girls, and when it came to it, suddenly they all had correct ages…the teeth thing was said by beta karolyi, who should know becuase in the 1970s he coached underage girls in the olympics for romania (pretty much the same set-up)…but the thing is the age limit is to help the girls develop properly and be able to function nicely when they get too old for gymnastics
yes americans doped but fessed up after a while…and they were lambasted at home and treated like tards…in china they were heroes to the motherland
August 16th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Metalbrainsurgery: How does the teeth thing help? I mean, I’m 26, and I still have my baby teeth (aside from three of them, anyway).
August 16th, 2008 at 9:48 am
[...] and smart sites around nowadays - is an expletive-filled rant about the Beijing Olympics, “What the Olympics Really Mean to China.” Look for the hilarious bit about the American swim team killing the cocky French [...]
August 16th, 2008 at 8:28 am
I heard that the olympic stadium is nowhere near being filled for the games, so they’ve had to rope in local students to flesh out the crowd. Picture this…
“Students, we need you at Tiananmen Square!!!…. no no it won’t be like last time, we promise”
August 16th, 2008 at 1:33 am
I think it is funny that “WE AMERICANS”….upset the Chinese so badly, In fact that is the whole problem….they are pissed that we not only have freedom to raise our children ourselves (without being taken to sport camps against their will…..) and that we are still GOOD without such harsh actions like that. I would rather be FAT and BEAUTIFUL….rather than BONEY and UGLY……HELL I CAN DIET!!!!…..and FYI there is NO CURE FOR THE UGLY…..BECAUSE YOU COUNTRY HAS MADE YOU UGLY NOT ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE BY STARVING YOU BUT ON THE INSIDE BY SUCH HARSH ACTIONS OF TREATMENT FROM THE VERY POWER THAT SHOULD BE MAKING YOUR COUNTRY A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE!!!!!!
SO I CLOSE WITH——->***IF YOUR ASS WAS SOOOOOOOO HAPPY IN YOUR COUNTRY AND YOU WERE COMPLETE THERE……YOUR ASSES WOULDN’T BE ALL UP IN OUR COUNRTY****!!!
IF YOUR MAD PROJECT IT WHERE IT IS NEEDED….AT YOUR FREAKING SO CALLED GOVERMENT!
GO HOME FILE A COMPLAINT OR PRODUCE MORE CHILDREN FOR YOUR GOVERMENT SPORTS CAMPS!!!!!!!!!
LMAO AT YOU AND YOUR COUNTRY…..JOKES ON YOU !!!!!!!
OH AND IF I HAVE SPELLED ANYTHING WRONG ……….MY BAD I WAS TRY-N TO FINISH MY DOUBLE MEAT CHEESEBURGER WHILE MY FRENCH FRIES RESTED ON MY DOUBLE-D’S AND TALKING TO MY HUSBAND WHO WORKS FOR “BUDWEISER”!!!!!lmaolmaolmao!!!
August 15th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
@mickymick
Ejay, shut up, you are no expert on US history. Why don’t you stick to the retched history of that sinking shithole of a penal colony you call home.
>>You’re a dumb ahole mick.. at least i know more of your history than you are. Dont you even know how you america started? i guess you dont study it in your schools, ei? theres something we call wikipedia you know. give it a shot.
@nakedape
Ejay; This is not about Race or racial pride. This is about oppressive murderous governments and the whiney little bitches like you and France who go around trying to smooth over every evil with your gay love and your lets all take it in the rear to avoid more violence attitude. I guess when America removed an oppressive dictator and brought freedom to Iraq (at great expense to ourselves), to you were all just murderers. But when Russia murders innocent civilians of a free nation, to you that’s just a little misunderstanding (a feud as you called it).
>> If this is not about race then why most of the guys here cuss each others origins, ei? We humans, learn from years of experience. - through history. Governments have changed from one accepted form to another. Democracy is viewed from one majority’s idea of perfect and peace at that time. Even todays much accepted democracy have problems. We still see riots, rallies, war against their own government. US have a lot, people in China even go to rallies, we have people going out to the streets here in aus as well. We were never content as humans. We slowly let cultural revolution take place hoping that someday the form of government would be suitable.
Let commies be commies, imperialists be imperialists, be socialists be socialists, democrats be democrats.. It isnt gay if people ask to just stop and accept everyone’s differences. We call it peace.
Thats what every government long for, thats what every religion is all about. To have peace and equality.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Most people I know from China are actually from Hong Kong. I’ve never really met anyone living here who was born and raised in a mainland province.
August 15th, 2008 at 9:26 am
females got fuckin uber pwned. dont show your face ’round these parts no mo
August 15th, 2008 at 7:01 am
The Chinese are basically using the Olympics as an excuse to show the world how much they kick ass, and also to attempt to disguise the fact they’re totalitarian racists. As for the Chinese posting here, no offense, but if you were raised in China, you don’t count in any China arguments because of the HUGE amount of brainwashing you have experienced, even if you now live outside of China, your still influenced by the propaganda, ie: You see the world through Red colored glasses. Again no offense, but that’s like a Nazi weighing into a debate on how Jews should be treated, your biased.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Dick Nixon, I don’t know if you’ll read it all the way down here, but you are AWESOME. Zu and Jang? Funniest thing I’ve read in ANY comment section. Ever.
August 14th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
[...] that there are 34 medals awarded to swimmers, apparently up from 28 in the 1968 Mexico City games. Cracked.com’s Chris Bucholz says it [...]
August 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
??? I’ve tried to analyse the ‘really really for sure bizarre anecdote’ comment, and I’ve just lost the will to bother.
Also, the penis on your forehead doesn’t count.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Ahh! I get it. They had baby teeth. That reminds me of a “This is Spinal Tap” song:
“You’re sweet
but you’re just four feet,
and you still got your baby teeth.
You’re too young
and I’m too well hung,
Tonight I’m gonna rock you”
I love the sweet savor of satire.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Really bizarre anecdote? Are you sure you don’t mean “like really really for sure bizarre anecdote”?
August 14th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
@Bonzai-No she dumped me because my penis was too large and a boy from oz was more suitable for her.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
no no, they had all their teeth, but their teeth were the teeth of children.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Metalbrainsurgery,
I don’t get it. First, they don’t let a “buck tooth” girl sing on stage, and then, they let missing teeth girls compete. Can’t they pick a standard, no matter how vain, and go with it?!? I thought you could count on a communist’s unflappable consistency.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Honorable Hibachi “China Ftw” Wu:
Congratulations China! You’ve finally unseated France as “Most Insecure Nation”!!
Our message to you: Let us love you, dammit.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:44 am
@ wiglaf, yes they are cheating with age. Their womens gymnastics team were almost all underage.
You could tell by looking at their teeth (im serious). No mater how else the rest of your body ages you can determine someones age by looking at their teeth, because the way they develop through adolecence. Those girls were no older than 13.
I work in a dental labratory and spend all day around teeth so yes I do know what I am talking about.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:36 am
No but you could be more of the fat guy who works in the local comic shop.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I love the Olympics and every other spectator sport. I just sit on my lazy ass taking credit for the athletic accomplishments of people who have nothing to do with me in anyway. Oh gee, the guy who one that medal for running fast is a black American, I’m a black American too, so that must mean my fat as can run fast too. That medal belongs to me as much as it does to him. Yea! I’m a retard! I’ll just do nothing with my life and take credit for the accomplishments of steroid addled fucktards who happened to be of my race or my nationality. Could I be more of a worthless government school educated worker drone. I don’t think so!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Also that joke sounded more like a really bizarre anecdote than anything.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Ah, so the girlfriend who studied in Oz for a year dumped you via email for an Aussie stud?
August 14th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Do you know an Austrailians fave place to meet women?
At a family reunion.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Ai-yi-yi! They’re games people. Get your heads out of your asses and join us in the real world where the Olympics really have very little importance.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:27 am
drug cheats,
“In 1994, a fleet of well-muscled Chinese dominated the pool at the Asian Games. But the secret to China’s success was soon exposed: drugs. Seven of China’s Asian Games swimmers tested positive for banned substances and were stripped of their gold medals. That ignominious streak extended to the 1998 World Championships, where four more Chinese swimmers were caught using drugs.”
Plus “Age cheats” now?
August 14th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Jones was convicted of doping and lost her medals. how many other american athletes do you think the american officials let it slip by…, i wonder?
August 14th, 2008 at 6:51 am
China’s Pang Jiaying, who touched first in the second semi-final, was disqualified for a false-start.
hmmm how many times do you think they let it slip by….i wonder?
August 14th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Yes the IOC wants China to beat the US, and yes most of the American events are fixed so the US cant get gold if they are in a event with a chinese competitor, except for a very few that they let slip by….why do you think china has twice the golds as the us but as of now equal overall? so china comes off as better
August 14th, 2008 at 6:18 am
I can understand why the Olympics will be a ground for Nationalism, but it’s Nationalism mingled with sportsmanship - at least that’s what ideally it’ll be.
Leave the politics for the election, unless Obama or McCain become 100m sprint runners or swimmers.
August 14th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Thanks bsartist;
Panzer - yeah I guess Hibachi’s trolling early on was a complete success, turned this into a bashfest
August 14th, 2008 at 5:12 am
Did the main article commentators suddenly invade the blog? Since when did a blog about the Olympics become a pathetic debate on Nationalism?
August 14th, 2008 at 4:51 am
Holy shit. Bahaska, you are my hero. Sucks for bring all this bashing to an end with that link, but hey, good on you mate.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:09 am
Hello, Olympics anyone?
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2008-08/14/content_6933707.htm
You know, the place where people jump and swim and cheer and feel good about it?
No?
Figures.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:46 am
@ Beijing
As to what you said about the supreme court “appointment,” you may be right, but the only other alternative would be to throw it into the House of Representatives, which was also Republican. So, either way, Bush wins the 2000 election. Lawfully.
And while Bush may have pulled a “douche” move with the swiftboating, I’d say Bush is still better than either Kerry or Gore.
It’s really a shame that our country can’t seem to get any legitimate candidates, though. Man, I hate Bush (mostly), Kerry, Gore, Obama, and McCain. They all suck ass. Obama is a socialist and all that McCain has going for him, in my book, is his stance on the war.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:05 am
Bucholz you had no idea that it would become this. For that misunderstanding of your readership I must say “Fail”
August 14th, 2008 at 2:01 am
While I’ll agree that GWB was a candidate that was preordained, I ask.
Can any country claim in earnest, no corruption?
I stand by my original statement. “Let’s bring out the nukes and start over”
The strong will survive and the weak (read Congressional FatCats) will perish.
I’ll be Mel Gibson and not back away from the gasoline “boy”
August 14th, 2008 at 1:45 am
i know eh, fuck 9/11. if george bush want to kill americans, he can just send them to iraq as soldiers or just call them muslims
August 14th, 2008 at 1:39 am
@bsartist
shows how the government of just about every country is corrupt. Still, with the new election where Obama will win, it shows how maybe voting isn’t such a bad thing.
Holy crap, i just read the 9/11 conspiracy stuff. You ppl are freaking nuts.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:36 am
shows how corrupted american government and voting in general is fucked, doesnt it?
August 14th, 2008 at 1:36 am
I’ve already argued all those points and more earlier, with people who possessed a modicum of intelligence. It’s degenerated past the point I wish to repeat myself to people who don’t bother reading earlier posts. Plus, that last sentence renders his entire post completely hypocritical. Forget it. Later.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:35 am
@ china guy
bush didn’t win. He was appointed by the Supreme ct in 2000 (which was mostly republican and basically got to decide if votes from democratic counties were legal even if their intention was clear).
In 2004, there are a lot of ppl claiming there was a rigged election in ohio, a swing state, and at the very least voter disenfranchisement. even if none of thats true, bush did pull a douche move with the kerry swiftboating.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:34 am
Word, WTF. On that note, I’ll abscond from this discussion. Cheers!
August 14th, 2008 at 1:33 am
dude, he got like 20 valid points. why dont you argue those? and universal health cover ftw! i wont want to live in the us with 20 hours waiting line just to get my dick checked
August 14th, 2008 at 1:31 am
The Olympics this year are like getting invited to a party where the nice, enthusiasitc host cleans the entire house from top to bottom and then gets mad when you pay more attention to the shackled guy’s moans in the basement then her very lovely dress and all the hard work she did.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:30 am
If you’re so proud to be Chinese, why the fuck are you living in Australia?
August 14th, 2008 at 1:23 am
First and foremost, to the publisher of this article, i say you are a noob ahole.
2nd of all, the term “wued” is a well established word, as you can see from the Wiki. It is used widely, on par with things like gg and noob etc.
I dont quite follow on how you arrived at arguing about the 9/11, but those of you that think it is a conspiracy theory are psychotic, and rank on par with those that think the earth is flat. BTW they are all american, people which re elected Bush, and those that cant come up with a candidate to actually beat him. It is like you people (americans) cant find any abled person to win an event for the paralypics.
But i concur. Back to the topic. I am Chinese, and quite proudly so. This Olympics shows more than our prowess, our strong economics and technological advances, it also shows our strength on the sporting arena. 20 Gold so far compared with America’s 10.
We also have good sportsmanship, unlike Americans, check out articles with american gymnastic team bitching about how the judges are unfair and shit. All the judges come from different countries, and they judge professional in previous olympics as well as world championships.
Lastly to those Americans which think they live in the greatest country on earth, when in fact they have never left the country, seeing this game is a great shock for u guys i know. Your pity self denial, and lack of understanding of superior nations are strongly present in your article.
So to the article writer, keep living in your ignorant little life at the bottom of a well. All the best, hope you live long and healthy in your well with no health cover. (Love from Australia, land with universal health cover)
August 14th, 2008 at 1:23 am
wha the fuck you on about limpdick? go and get wued
August 14th, 2008 at 1:15 am
Females Don’t, bsartist, habachi Wu, and two or three others are all the same troll. Don’t waste your time.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:02 am
@Wiki
Your internets will be arriving by UPS in three days.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:58 am
mmm i just wiki’ed up “wued”. this is the result:
wued - a vastly popular internet slang invented by the youtube “legend” Hamachi Wu,Wu defined the term “wued” as ” an uber level of pwage , used when one person has total domination over another person in term of everything “
August 14th, 2008 at 12:56 am
@ Females dont
“And my third point, how is it that the terrorists knew the Tower was going to collapse when a plane crashed close to the top of the building?”
Mohamed Atta, the leader of the hijackers, studied Architecture at the University of Cairo and urban planning at the Technical University of Hamburg-Harburg.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:56 am
bob, why are you directing shits at female readers? fuck off my wife yeah? go fuck your own
August 14th, 2008 at 12:53 am
If someone can tell me what ‘wued’ means, I will send them five internets.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 am
The above was @ Females dont and bsartist
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 am
@ lol
Wouldn’t surprise me.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 am
Ok, you got me, I got wued, whatever the hell that means. Still doesn’t change the fact that:
A. You are a complete idiot
and
B. You’re wrong
August 14th, 2008 at 12:51 am
@ Females
The terrorists had plenty to gain from destroying the World Trade Center. Essentially, it was big recruiting drive, and, as SLJ said, a way to inspire fear. Which, I might add, it did. Their plan: we blow up big, important ECONOMIC building in the big, powerful, evil United States, and then tons more people on the proverbial fence go over to the terrorist side, marking the first chapter in our quest to destroy the west. People were inspired by 9/11. The people who perpetrated the attacks planned for this. They knew that their action alone would do very little damage, but their goal was not to do damage, specifically. Their goal was to show the world that United States was weak and vulnerable, and that if they could do, so could anyone. And, of course, the US wasn’t going to stand for that. Also, the White House is just a symbol. The president doesn’t spend much of his time there anyway (don’t quote me on that, because I’m not entirely sure). The World Trade Center was a huge nexus of our economy, and destroying it did do serious damage to our economy, though luckily the economy of the United States is so well diversified that it wasn’t irreparable damage. And look at the number it did on airline stock prices. Also, I concur with SLJ. SLJ is one bad motherfucker.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:49 am
haha yeah dude you got wued
August 14th, 2008 at 12:47 am
@ Females don’t
I forget to whom I’m speaking, of course. Denizens of the internet (the last bastion of insanity) who have nothing better to do then buy into nonsense. Get a life, asshole, and get a brain if you can.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:45 am
@SLJ
dude..u got wued. stfu
August 14th, 2008 at 12:43 am
true, they do all of them at the same time
August 14th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Yeah, they also invents shit and make medical breakthroughs too, but w/e.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:39 am
harvard professors rape teenage girls
August 14th, 2008 at 12:34 am
@ American Conspiracy
Do you know what juxtapose means, because you totally used it out of context. Furthermore, how do they contradict (perhaps the word you were looking for) each other. They didn’t attack the White House because they knew they wouldn’t be successful, and instead attacked a target where they knew they would be.
And by the way, the experts that I have heard in class are Harvard professors, who tend to be a left leaning bunch. So I’ll tell you what, if you can show me any sane scientists who back you up, feel free to show them off to the rest of us feeble minded simpletons.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:30 am
@ SLJ
Wow, your second paragraph completely juxtapose your first. And the science you talk about is george bush’s shit in practise. You just ate it all and enjoyed it.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:22 am
@Females don’t read cracked.com
You’re… you’re kidding, right? These people aren’t stupid enough to try and attack the White House, they wouldn’t stand a shot in hell. That may be the worst argument for a conspiracy theory (and I’ve heard some damn stupid ones).
What do they have to gain? Wow. Lets think. Maybe… um… inspiring fear. Thats kinda their thing. You know, strike a blow against Western civilization at the very heart of its economy - the WTC.
But whatever. Theres no arguing with people like you. The science (the real stuff, not the b.s. spouted by fringe people and university students with nothing better to do) has been reported and every reputable source has agreed - you’re wrong.
We can discuss the merits, or lack thereof, of the Iraq War, but WTF is wrong with us when we can’t even agree on the basics facts staring us in the eyes. Or, I should say, when a select group adamantly refuses to see sense and instead chooses to make themselevs feel more important, as if they’re the only ones who can see the truth and the rest of us are just sheep (thats the term you all like to throw around when trying to make yourselves feel superior, right?)
Oh yeah, and by the way, I’m really reaping the benefits of all that sweet crude oil. I mean, it isn’t like the price of gasoline hasn’t spiked or anything. Oh wait, it must be a conspiracy!
August 14th, 2008 at 12:16 am
jpappi thank you for been a blowjob by reading all of what bob the dickhead have to say. both of you are tools and i know youll both be good motherfuckers
August 14th, 2008 at 12:14 am
fuck you poofter. eat a dick
@ J-Pappi, not his mum
August 14th, 2008 at 12:14 am
fuck you poofter. eat a dick
@ J-Pappi, not his mum who happnes to be a guy
August 14th, 2008 at 12:08 am
@ Bob Saget, not the next guy.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:07 am
The second half of that seemed to me to be a lot more accurate and unbiased than the first. But that’s just my opinion. And for the record, I voted for Bush in 2000 because I thought it would be better for the economy and national security. I’m willing to admit when I fuck up.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:06 am
i thought about those last night while i was masterbating
August 14th, 2008 at 12:01 am
Ok, let me tackle that bit by bit. You said 911 wasn’t an inside job. Maybe. But have you thought, as a normal human being and been rational, what either side has to gain from the event?
What do the terrorist have to gain from it? Nothing. Nil, zero benefit.
What do the American government have to gain from it? The catalyst for the ‘War on Terrorism’, which led to the destruction of Afghanistan, and then to the destruction of Iraq, while Americans sit back and reap the benefit of more crude oil supply. And here I see people saying how much they love their country for it.
That brings me to my second point, why the World Trading Tower? If I was a terrorist, I would go for the White House, the symbol of America’s power, and more importantly, the home of the president. Was it by chance that the White House remained standing while the World Trade Tower collapsed?
And my third point, how is it that the terrorists knew the Tower was going to collapse when a plane crashed close to the top of the building? Likely they had no idea it was going to collapse at all. Maybe they thought a plane stuck in a tall building would bring some sort of message to the world. You think the terrorists got the Tower’s architecture all figured out? Or is it more likely for the American government to provide them with such confidential information? Which brings me back to my second point, if you are a terrorist and you have only one life and you want to make the best out of it, would you rather risk it by crashing into a tower that may or may not collapse, or ram it into the White House?
August 13th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Christ that was fucking long. Sorry.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Allrighty, then. This will be a long one, so steel your collective selves. I have heard many calls for unbiased information, and I notice that most of the US-bashers have a problem with US foreign policy in Iraq, Afghanistan, and such, so I will provide some unbiased info on those scores. Afghanistan/911: the war in Afghanistan is, according to the Vatican, a just war. Even if you aren’t catholic, that means something. Also, that Taliban government was a terrorist government. Not just one that sponsored or winked at terrorism, a government built around terrorism. In my opinion (THIS IS MY OPINION, just to make that abundantly clear), and, I think, in the opinion of most thinking people, cannot be tolerated. And, as for 911, all reputable experts, including Popular Mechanics, have proved that 911 was not an inside job or any such thing. The History Channel has an awesome documentary on 911 and the assorted conspiracy theories and responses to them. It should be noted that the leaders of the “911 Truth” movement are mostly radio talk show hosts and other entertainers, and college students (who are educated in an extremely left-leaning higher education system), while the opposition is led by reputable scientists. On Iraq: Let’s start at the beginning. Saddam Hussein. He refused to allow weapons inspectors into his country, so there was no way for the United States, or anyone else for that matter, to figure out whether or not he had weapons of mass destruction, and thus, thanks not only to this refusal but his gassing of the Kurds, we were forced to assume that Saddam Hussein has the means to kill at least hundreds of thousands of people. And, I feel that I should tell you, as a side note, that the person who told GWB that it was a ’slam dunk’ that Saddam Hussein had WMDs, was not only the director of the CIA (the highest authority in the United States on such matters), but was also a Clinton appointee. Blame him. Thus, the United States gave Saddam Hussein two full days to get his ass on to a plane out of the country, or the United States would invade. Hussein made a conscious decision to subject his country to the might of US arms. And that’s exactly what happened. As for the ongoing war/occupation/civil war in Iraq, I will admit that it was badly mismanaged by GWB and others. However, there is little denying that the ’surge’ has helped a great deal. You should definitely read the article in the TIME summer double issue “What Bush Got Right,” written by no less that Fareed Zakaria himself, an avowed Bush hater. I won’t enumerate his points here, lest this comment stretch to truly biblical length (a threshold fast approaching, nonetheless). And, I firmly believe (OPINION ALERT) that we are doing a good thing in Iraq. Yes, many people have been killed. But people die in war. End of unbiased information on these two points. Begin argument.
And I must respond pointedly to a comment from our good friend Flowers up there: I am also a champion of peace, compassion, and understanding. However, I do not believe that the world can be free of war, hatred, or suffering as long as there are people who value the destruction of all Western institutions, ways of life, and nations above the preservation of their own lives. Essentially: you can love, feel compassion, preach peace, and try to bring understanding to people all you want, but as long as there are evil people, people who want nothing more than to see the West burn (not that the West is particularly awesome all the time. Still, it certainly does not deserve to be completely annihilated) and/or all people and institutions who/which do not conform exactly to their own twisted way of understanding the universe, whoever they may be, the world can never be at peace. And thus, the best way to promote peace and compassion and understanding is to battle evil and fight evil people at every possible opportunity. Only when evil is destroyed, which may be many thousands of years from now, can we have peace. Preaching peace and tolerance and humanity and compassion is easy, because it only requires your speech. Making the world safe from evil such that peace, tolerance, humanity, and compassion can flourish is, if you will excuse my french, really fucking hard. And, as a final, personal aside, I firmly believe that, whatever it’s other faults, the United States is the single freest nation on this planet, and, therefore the best. Liberty is the natural right of all men, but men are not yet ready to govern themselves, so governments are necessary to keep men in line. If everyone was reasonable and rational, governments and laws would be unnecessary. But, because we have not yet reached that state, we need governments and laws. The United States has, almost unbelievably, managed to both ensure the rule of law in her territory while also allowing her citizens more liberty than in any other nation. Thus, in the United States, men are closer than in any other nation to their natural state of total liberty than in any other country. Which isn’t to say we don’t have too much government interference here, we just have much less that anywhere else. And that, I believe, makes us the best.
That will be all.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
@Lothar69, you’re kind of right. But have you ever try to protest those “bleeding heart liberals and it’s conservative, religious fuckwads” in their faces? No, I don’t think so. You will get sent to Guantanamo Bay for been a potential terrorist and be forced to eat cockmeat sandwich. So is america any different from china? No, not really if you use your head.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Track and field doesn’t make you run with awkward gaits, but they do stick shit in front of you and make you jump over it. Similar idea!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
CHINA FTW!!!! BEIJING FTW!!!! COMMUNISM… not so much.. but anyway, London is uber PWNED for the 2012 olympics, and they know it.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I guess I’m not inflammatory enough to elicit a response…I’ll keep workin at it.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Dude, you’re gay.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Yay! More racism at Cracked. Fuck those Chinese assholes before they start taking our women!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I’m American, I’m not fat. I work hard every day to provide for my family with no other agenda. I do in fact, disapprove of what my country does internationally, and I vote!
That being said, I laugh uproariously at the idea that my country isn’t great.
Yes we stick our collective noses in where they don’t belong. We have such humongous penis’ that we have no choice. Sometimes ya just gotta kick some ass.
But credit where it’s due. America has it’s bleeding heart liberals and it’s conservative, religious fuckwads. That’s what makes us great. The ability to disagree without fear of governmental retaliation. I personally feel that religious based political opinions should be discounted completely. The wealth of religious difference in the world should preclude that to any rational mind. I don’t agree with what we’re doing in Iraq, but I also don’t agree with suicide bombers. Virgins? Seriously?
This whole world is fucked up, not any particular country, nationality, race or creed.
Everybody, everywhere. It will never change. So lets just break out the nukes and start over.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Man. Kitajima from Japan has just been announcer dubbed the “Greatest Breast Stroker of All Time.”
I don’t care HOW many Golds Phelps wins. I’d rather have Kitajima’s title.
Boobies!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
BUT considering the amount of people in China, Russia, and the U.S., thats good.
If Ireland win 1 gold medal,
for the U.S.A to have as many gold medal winners per thousand, they’d have to win roughly 70 golds.
for Russia to have as many gold medal winners per thousand, they’d have to win roughly 33 gold medals.
for China to have as many gold medal winners per thousand, they’d have to win roughly 305 gold medals.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
but thats probably it
August 13th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Ireland shall win the female hammer throw. Just watch us. WATCH US!!! MUHUHAHAHAHA!!!!!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Kelvin:
I thank you for restoring my Olympic Spirit.
J-Pappi:
Great minds think alike. Mainly about the bachache= massage issue, but the point that all governments are dodgy bastards is definitely one most people seem to gloss over.
mickymick:
Sounds like someone’s had a girlfriend that studied in australia for a year.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
China totally slaps my face hole, they try and strongarm Gary Coleman into thinking they sell discount beer when really most of them are just upset about having very small mobile phones. The Olympics are exclusively for taxpayers on a great night, I’d rather watch re-runs of Star Trek, or just touch myself to old age. I think I’d rather surgically remove Michael Phelps than watch him eat through my chest and I’m THE gay. If you like Cracked.com, then you might plan a DDOS against http://www.onblastatlast.com, it’s my grandpa’s blog, I just make fun of stuff.
I was bored, and I don’t really know enough about china to actually insult it, but since I was already at the bottom of the comments I wasn’t going to go away without letting my mind take a juicy fart all over the blog. You just got to let it out sometimes.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Just wait for the Firefly-esque apocalypse!!! It’s coming!!! China will take over the world!!! Be afraid, and commence stockpiling food and water in hidden chambers impervious to nuclear radiation!!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
@Ejay; This is not about Race or racial pride. This is about oppressive murderous governments and the whiney little bitches like you and France who go around trying to smooth over every evil with your gay love and your lets all take it in the rear to avoid more violence attitude. I guess when America removed an oppressive dictator and brought freedom to Iraq (at great expense to ourselves), to you were all just murderers. But when Russia murders innocent civilians of a free nation, to you that’s just a little misunderstanding (a feud as you called it). Oh, and boobies…it’s also all about boobies!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I would have to say, yes WOmen’s BEach Volleyball is perhaps the most male-watched sprt next to women’s gymnastics (but thats pushing b/c most of the women are actually teenage girls)
@hibachi wrote, actually, you pull those info outta ya mums ass. do you believe in george bush? do you believe in the destruction of iraq? do you believe you have a dick? its sad you cannot see the true about your own country while trying to defend it. go write some un biased shit on your encyclopedia about the invasion of iraq and then talk, american dickwit
Somebody please translate this into non-retard english?
Well actaully i have a rather large dick and right now im reaming your wife on your state sanctioned bedspread…yes i do know the history of my country and rather proud of most of it…bush is just a tool, he would have been better just off as a mayor somewhere…actually its in the world book…we did bomb the shit of iraq, but it’was just smoke and mirrors kind of crap, to help patriotic opinion, we defetaed the iraqi army within 90 days but then the terrorists and greed came to play….what about the chinese destruction of xinjiang? how about the out and out conquering of the independent tibet against the wishes of the UN…hmmm how about the communist slaughter of the nationalists (about 10 million people)….the threatened erasure of the nominal R.O.C (Taiwan)…the capture of 17 american airmen just because they crashed in chinese airspace…the war over the usssuri river, where thousands of soviets were killed…the battle over the yalu which condmened North Korea to life under the red flag when they had almost lost to south korea…guam is US territory(thats why its imprtant)…..oh and state forced murder of over a million infants?….hibachi, go ahead and take your head out of your rear, or your firends head, get over your wiener obsession and immigrate to the US where you can just sit around and pork your wife all day and i fyou want to, make a million babies and go to church…and fra and away i agree with gambit…….right now im cooking steaks on my hibatchi, so peace out
August 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Why is it that, even though this is all about China, I suddenly have a craving for Vietnamese food?
August 13th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I cant recall ever seeing this much discussion about a Cracked article, but it was interesting to read all these opinions. Speaking of opinions, I might as well throw out a couple of my own, and do so in a way that makes them sound like their facts.
-Asian girls are hot (most of them)
-The olympics are way over-hyped. How many millions are wasted on entertainment that could have been used towards helping people in need? (bleeding heart, i know)
-I would rather watch American athletes being good sportsman, and being supportive of other teams, and just being ‘nice’ people, than see them win gold medals. Most of the competitions I have watched this far, we kind of look like jerks (in my opinion, i mean fact).
-Womens beach volleyball is the best sport at the games. we should see more of that.
-Russia is sneaky little bastards. Tactically smart, but a total dick move.
-China, where do i begin. Well, its not America, and we all know how awesome we are (again, based on facts), so i guess that says it all.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Ejay, shut up, you are no expert on US history. Why don’t you stick to the retched history of that sinking shithole of a penal colony you call home. Why do Austrailians all look alike? Because they are all fucking cousins that’s why! Ejay=Douche.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I love China. It is from where all the shit I buy at Wal-mart comes from! Boobies? Beers? Burgers? The 3b’s of life. And why fuck China? Cause fuck China that’s why!!!
August 13th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
You know what i have read almost all the comments and replies here. Some i agree with and most im really disgusted to read.
A lot of people here are proud of their race may it be american, european or asian decent and i totally understand that but a lot of you guys are just too stupid to make a big deal about little stuff.
Our races are not perfect. Some made mistakes but people are trying to change that. History takes a long time to change.
The US was built due to continuous civil wars. Remember your George and Abes flight? The 20’s and the lynching era? Not to mention how US made an impact due to worldwide wars. Europe’s history was also built on empires destroying empires. Kings beaheading their wives and daughters and lots of backstabbing even with a pope. I almost forgot Nordic history. Asians who have been around for a thousand years have never really been conquerors except a few like the genghis and the japs during the 40’s. If their really is a dispute it usually is with neighbor or within the borders of its country. Which is relatively common all over the world.
Now you might be thinking about vietnam and tibet or some countries in the middle east included in Asia, right? Let me ask you this: Didnt you have problems on your own as well with other countries?
nuff said. Wy dont we just try to get along? US are making friends with almost all the countries. China has opened the bamboo curtain now.
Lets just get along and well hope the feud between russia and georgia all end in peace.
I dont want international white hooded figures call for racial supremacy again.
Its just damn wrong.
im half spanish and half asian living in aus so just you know.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Not gonna be wrestling the pigs on this one, so just to inform flowers-r-different-colours:
Chinese people DO eat dogs. I’VE eaten dog, in China. Not all Chinese people eat it, but they don’t treat it with much exception compared to other meats. It’s less common, and something of a delicacy, but mainly because it’s more expensive to raise (than pork, the lowest common denominator meat). It’s also considered more “heated”, as a meat produced by a meat-eating animal.
My main exception to eating dog is the poor hygiene, but then really that’s true for almost all meats in China. I don’t find it immoral or anything, just as most Westerners don’t think too much about quaffing down a burger. In fact I was somewhat disappointed at the dog eating ban: it’s not like anyone banned consuming beef or pork before any Olympics because there’d be Hindus, Muslims and Jews coming to town, and nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s another case of the silly excesses I mentioned earlier.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I like China . . . They make hot girls that talk funny. Leave them alone you big Cracked jerks.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=5
August 13th, 2008 at 11:14 am
OK, I’ve made my points. If you’re not going to admit your own country’s flaws (as I have mine), there’s no reason in me continuing to beat my head against a wall.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program about boobies and dick jokes.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:11 am
*looks at 911* The US government don’t even have the guts to admit it. They blame it on some foreigners.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:05 am
“caused the death of countless innocent people”No Chinese government policy does that just fine for its own people.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Yeah true. But they didn’t invade Iraq and caused the death of countless innocent people.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I agree with everything you say about the U.S.; there’s no refuting that. But if you think China isn’t corrupt as well and that all they were just doing with their “superpower” status is inviting people to a big celebration then you’re a moron. ALL governments of successful countries are corrupt; you can’t build a successful country otherwise. Aristotle knew true democracy was “mob rule” back in ancient Greece (America is NOT a true democracy); please don’t tell me paper communism is that much better. And acting like China isn’t militant shows you don’t even walk your own fucking streets or watch your own tv.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:29 am
You think Obama will liberate Iraq? Oh my mistake, it is already been liberated by the US military. Let’s see who the Americans will blow up next. Hm… Iran sounds like a good candidate, closely followed by North Korea. You know what I would like to see? The US government spending all the money going into the war effort on something even remotely similar to the production of the olympic games. At least the chinese government tries to boaster its employment rate, by giving its people more jobs. US does a similar thing, but also puts other people out of their jobs and their lives (read: Iraqi and soon to come Iranian).
As you can see, there are 2 main kind of superpowers, one that promote its culture by inviting people to a big celebration. The other blows up another country, frame them for something which they don’t have/can’t afford, and gain spotlight as a result.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Bush didn’t get elected. Al Gore got elected in 2000; Bush had to get a state his brother was governor of to rig a recount. Then he took that possibility away in ‘04 by setting up electronic voting machines that are incredibly easy to rig. The ones used in my state that year (Georgia) had a “variation” at the last minute to get the Republican in (who was vastly less popular than the Democrat) which was mathematically proved statistically impossible. This is not new information; it’s pretty well known. America is just as corrupt as China in it’s own way, but that doesn’t stop me from loving it. Things go in cycles, and thankfully what’s left of the constitution ensures that Bush’s ass will be gone shortly.
Bonzai-Kitten, I’m glad to hear you’re not a feminist. Girls with big boobs get extra backrubs to compensate for their pain; it’s one of the perks.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:05 am
man, all of you should get a life.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:54 am
But you still haven’t taken my up my request. How about we make it a challenge? Flame me some more while you think about something intelligent to type.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Ha ha, well played my friend. Well played. I appreciate wit like that.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:51 am
omgomgomg Gambit u r my new idol! u sound soo gay evn when u type!! Luv you till etenity!
ps. call me!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Oh…good…we missed you? Well, I don’t really see the connection between homosexuality and prostate screenings, but hey I’ll humor you.
I haven’t really made a real relevant point toward the discussion since about 6 posts back.
So, even out my cluelessness! Give us something that we can get thinking about. I am depending on you to know exactly what your talking about so I can actually participate in the discussion without making a total fool of myself!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:46 am
chinese men have little weiners. its science.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:45 am
I wonder how Bush got elected as the president of the United States of America in the first place. And I loled at freedom of speech. *sigh* Did anything happen when people said “Let’s leave Iraq alone”? Yeah, you got your freedom of speech, but it means jack shit. At least the Chinese know they don’t have one, whereas the Americans live in a dreamworld where they think they have the power to do something, but instead is eating all the shit their president is chucking at them.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:43 am
J-Pappi:
So people with boobs are allowed to read Cracked then? Good. good.
I’m not a feminist- I’m a humanist, so I don’t need to be. That said, big boobs= back ache, which isn’t a policitcal/philosophical problem at all.
Oh, and your other point was excellent too.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I’m back!! And I have to say Gambit is a homosexual who doesn’t have a clue to what he’s talking about. Dude, you need a prostate screening or something?
August 13th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I’ve done it again. Stupid typos. Hibachi, we know George Bush is incompetent. He’ll be gone by January. We know the invasion of Iraq was wrong. And we’re all sure that we have dicks. Although with your agregarious and aggressive nature, I would question your insecurity about your own. Or maybe you just have a fascination. Not my call.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Again, wow it looks like my request to Hibachi came to late. He’s done it again.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Wow sweet. Go won. Jeez, now that’s Irony for you. I did indeed mean one.
And J-Pappi does have a good point (more in the second paragraph then the first, I won’t touch that).
August 13th, 2008 at 9:33 am
@florida, actually, you pull those info outta ya mums ass. do you believe in george bush? do you believe in the destruction of iraq? do you believe you have a dick? its sad you cannot see the true about your own country while trying to defend it. go write some un biased shit on your encyclopedia about the invasion of iraq and then talk, american dickwit
August 13th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Ha ha, it was a good attempt Florida.
Hibachi, I requested a little more reasonable discussion. I’ll lower the bar for you, since it seems you lost all competence from your first post (which sparked much controversy, a plus) to what seems to be a grammatical butchering. Internet abbreviations? You tooled on the WoW players, but you type just like won. Ironic, yes. By the way, sum is actually a mathematics term. You may have been looking for “some”, but i don’t know. How bout I rewrite your post like it should be next time:
“ten y r u al mkin senz? stfu yo an go et sum shit”
Sorry to everyone else for the digression of what I usually write.
Oh and Hibachi? Never say yo again.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:30 am
E-cups? Now we’re talkin’! PLEASE don’t get the surgery. Nothing disturbs me more than chicks with big tits getting a breast reduction. They’re usually feminists “making a point” (not that you are at all, my dear), and being wrong. All boobies are glorious, but really big naturals are rare and you should revel in their wonderfulness.
For everyone who thinks America’s weak because of the fucking nonsense going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, it must be pointed out that Neocons fight wars that way to funnel massive profits from oil and defense contracts to the assholes who got them “elected.” Technically, we could have bombed either to the stone age in about half an hour (though we should have left both completely alone in the first goddamned place). China is getting stronger, no doubt, but implying they could defeat us militarily because they can destroy Japan and Guam (Guam? Really?) and have a half dozen missiles that may or may not be able to reach San Francisco (which we wouldn’t miss) is just ignorant. Maybe some day, but more likely you’ll defeat us economically in the next 20 years by virtue of our own Republicans stealing too much of the pie.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:25 am
how about go eat a hibachi…or some good japanese food
August 13th, 2008 at 9:24 am
[stupid joke...sorry]
August 13th, 2008 at 9:24 am
to Gambit’s last post….both Rationality, Logic, and any women’s undergarments that are found
August 13th, 2008 at 9:24 am
then y r u all makin sense? stfu yo and go eat sum shit
August 13th, 2008 at 9:23 am
No, sadly my information is completely correct, unleess you can find an UN_BIASED source to cunteract me, ill have to go with what encyclopedias tell me, and what the chinese politburo, defense minstry, state television says againt the american government against the numbskulls who claim to know what their talking about
August 13th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Welcome to Cracked. Rationality is thrown out the window here (not meant as an insult, more of a joke).
August 13th, 2008 at 9:16 am
seriosly, what are you all talkin about? ya all fucked up beyond belief
August 13th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Damn. Don’t you hate it when you only notice your typo as you hit ’submit comment’?
August 13th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Bobobrain:
Neither sport nor religion are the opiates of the masses. Opiates are, in fact, the opiates of the masses (with apologies to Bill Bailey).
AsianOrange:
Don’t be daft, you can’t skin a cat live- it movies about too much and they tend to fight back. you need to kill it first.
HAIDERE:
Why start on the Aussies? They seem to be only ones who aren’t spreading the hate. Aussies don’t often to flame wars- they are usually too busy enjoying the sunshine, swimming or having sex to bother with a little computer bitch-off. Even the fat ones.
flowers-r-different-colours:
Yum Cha is obviously about as Chinese as Grid-Iron. You are wasting your valuable typing fingers by responding.
females don’t read cracked.com:
Does that mean I’m the only gal really on here? I’m afraid I’m an e-cup- can I get a temporary pass until I decide if Cracked it worth all that surgery?
August 13th, 2008 at 8:47 am
welcome to city wok…..hord preeeease..
hrrrrm canada..very fal rosts o money……500 dorrar!
never barta with da chineeeeese!
god damn mongorians knockin down my shitty walll!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Can’t we all just get along? No I’m just joking. But seriously, let’s at least stop flaming each other.
@flowers-r-diff….: You got a lot of points, but let me address what I see. The fat part use to mean you were wealthy. It doesn’t really anymore. We still refer to “fat cats” as over paid executives of companies, but a good portion of the population (average Joes) are overweight to obese. It shows that laziness and decadence are a major factor in our culture. My younger brother sadly weighs 45 more pounds than I do, and is a good 4 inches shorter. It’s depressing, but that’s our culture today. I don’t want to bash you, but you do kind of have an idealistic view point. You have the best Chinese in the world? Where do you live?
@Interesting: 2nd post: A most excellent point sir, one I strongly believe in. Your first post though, I don’t know about. I do know that Bush is just a pawn. That’s all he is. He doesn’t deserve to be called a leader.
@African: Well, it’s either going to end up like Red Dawn, or End of Ze World (search it on youtube, it’s hilarious and makes good points.)
@Lanster: If you’re a representation of your country, I’m sure you’ll have a challenge finding the US on a globe, much less trying to nuke it.
I do believe that we should pull out of all the occupied countries. Dude, screw them, we should take care of our own, before we go to others. I mean disaster relief is one thing, but “protecting” others is something else.
But overall can we go back to having a reasonable debate free of torching flowers for being idealistic or unintelligent low blows on our countries? I mean, I enjoy the banter of harsh criticism on either of our two countries, but let’s keep it on the level.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:29 am
@florida
thanks for tat, though 90% of the infor you presented r off by miles, actually. u just pulled em out of ur arse didn’t u
@mobot
i didn’t believe you guys are fukers. that is of course.until i read this bs article by a fat wow player
August 13th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Because this is a humour site, we should be bashing each other.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:22 am
The Americans and the Chinese both have their strong and weak points. As an American, I agree that our country has some work to do - however, I don’t find us as the pestilential clusterfuck you flamers seem to think we are. Overall, I think our country is ready for change.
As for China, it’s a powerful country with smart people who work hard and are quickly becoming a superpower in their own right. Maybe I don’t agree with everything they say, but I respect them.
And for Christ’s sake, everyone, this is a humor site. We shouldn’t even be bashing each other in the first place.
August 13th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Just wait till the US falls to CHina sometime in the next fifteen-or-so years…all the american ISPs would all the sudden be censored and all these posts wouldn’t mean anything because they would track you down and get you for subversion, and at least 75% of the ‘non-US’ posters here ar ejust americans who are too poofy (not that i have a problem with that) to admit their american and decided to insult their own country in a comedy discussion board! seriously anyone trealize cracked is an american website and wouldnt even exist if certain other countries got their way….but seriously this olympics was a chance for CHina to show how ‘free’ and ;open’ they are now, but in my mind creeped me out, with the cute little girl lip-synching the sick communist mantra song…not to insult anybody but do you realize what that song is actaully about? world domination, the strength of the state, and seorusly the glory of the Han CHinese race…not beautiful CHina kind of stuff like I thought but like a blow-dry brainwash anthem….and sadly, no China would defeat the US soundly, through use of Nuclearweopnry and force of conventional army…the CHinese have an army of 100 divisions and an air force a quarter larger, and at this very time have Nuclear ICBMs pointed at the American continent, Japan and American forces in Korea, and at the US’ Guam…and they already make all of our stuff, and get this over Taiwan, we are penciled in by treaty to respond to both sides, i.e. if taiwan and CHina go at it, WWIII…alas this is a comedy website so no one will beleive me, bu what ever you do, do not root on N.Korea or CHina (or Russia if you can, but cant be choosy)…
August 13th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Chinese and US - ????????????? Why so mean?
August 13th, 2008 at 8:09 am
why is everyone so mean?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:47 am
“Flower Drum” best Chinese restaurant in the world!
August 13th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I have dogs and I don’t believe the Chinese eat dogs. My dog is sleeping on my pillows. He is the love of our life.
Did you know that the Chinese were one of the main immigrants to our country and our Chinese community are one of the oldest communities in our population. That is why we have the best Chinese food in the world?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:43 am
omg..come to think of it…i did get wued
August 13th, 2008 at 7:41 am
@yum cha ftw.
lololololololol you got wued!
August 13th, 2008 at 7:40 am
srzly.go back to ur dream world in which u r a champion of peace. u are not qualified to live in the 21st century. i feel like i’m talking to a common sense illiterate
August 13th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Yum Cha FTW - What is high? Really, does it involve some kind of drug? If so: NO. It’s night time and I am tired but high? Are you suggesting I’m taking drugs???
I did do wacky weed when I was a teenager and early twenties but I’m 45 now. I’m sure that the US and Chinese did this as well.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:35 am
are you starting to question ur own sexuality now? its not too late to do a sex change
August 13th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Another question? What is the issue with fat? From my studies of history, before it was recognised as bad - it was considered by ancient cultures as wealthy? Am I wrong?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:28 am
@ flowers r different colours
…u high?
August 13th, 2008 at 7:27 am
What do the Chinese think of Russia (previously) the USSR??????? What do they think of Japan? Just a question.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:26 am
To be honest, I really don’t care who you were bashing. Your ignorant comments of the ‘world at peace’ deserves a good little bash from me, and I think even george bush has no objections to that.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Females……: I am so upset by the US “OCCUPATION” of every bloody county that it has a problem with. It is horrible.
With no violence, I want to make them understand that world domination is FUCKED!
August 13th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Some one from the US would probably have guessed that I was not an American, purely by my spelling, despite my Yank bash comment.
One then has to ask, are you a person attached to the government? I slammed the US and you became so incredibly defensive.
Clearly, you are not a “normal” Chinese citizen. This is frightening.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:17 am
@flowers r different colours
1). i’m not a fucken american. i’d rather die than being a fat world of world of world of warcraft player
2) i’m chinese and in our tradition. we respect our female counterparts. i’m sorry i called u a dick head. but u should be sorry that you are bitching around for no apprent reason
@I am a champion of peace, compassion and understanding.
3) yes very much indeed. u do live in a dream world. in the real world. americans go down. the rest of the world go up
August 13th, 2008 at 7:17 am
Well flowers-r-different-colours, your ignorance and naiveness is really impressive, even in 21st century standards. I don’t want to know which country you live in, but thinking that the world is at peace is the most retarded statement I have ever seen or heard.
What do you think the Iraqi people think when george bush bombed the shit out of their homes? What about the people of Afghanistan? Do they deserve to have their nation leveled because of a so called act of terrorism likely commited by the US military themselves?
If you want to be a champion of peace, then do so by promoting peace and end wars, not by simply believe in the world is at peace, stupid bitch.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:06 am
yum cha ftw
Your comment was as bad as the most horrible US comments. I am not from the the US.
Please don’t call me a dick head - I am a female and watching the slanging match between the US and the Chinese ppl, which I find non-productive and viral. As is evident by my post. I do not try to assume any knowledge of the Chinese ppl but I do respect that different cultures should be respected. I certainly hope that you, as, some of the US posters on this blog, do not represent the majority of the population.
Maybe I am living in a dream world, but I like to think of us all as people occupying the same world who do not want war, hatred and suffering.
I am a champion of peace, compassion and understanding.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:06 am
I am chinese and i LOVE cracked.
funny article btw.
and YES it is really their first kiss prom etc etc.
seriously.
When was the last time the China get so much attention?:)
oo and chinese (believe it or not) (i know this is really unbelieveable to americans caz u all hate your country)(at least moan) is REALLY partiotic.
i mean if anyone forigen say something bad about chinese in the plublic, the country they come from will be comdamned. I don’t mean the government. I mean ppl will boycott the products of that country or form a human-chain around the shops. It is crazy how much they love their country.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:06 am
You guys need to realize, regardless of government, we’re all lied to by our leaders.
People at the top will continue to oppress, whether calling it communism or capitalism.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:05 am
SO what’s better, a party elected, respected and proven president (China’s HU Jintao), or a rigged election (USA’s idiot Georgey Dubya Bush)?
August 13th, 2008 at 6:52 am
“Other cultures do exist” - What the americans don’t know. Dumb motherfucking inbreds.
If freedom of speech and voting do exist, how the fuck did george w bush became the president? Why the fuck are american troops still in Iraq? Please look at your own country before you speak about others, motherfucking hypocrite.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:50 am
@flowers r different colour
oh stfu dickhead. u know jack shit about what we think. for your information.the mass majority of us chinese people have absolutely no problem with our government. its you americans who constantly poke ur nose in other people’s business. your shitty country is goin downhill in pretty much every aspect, economic, sports. u name it . and guess what. blaming us for being communists is not goin to help you a bit. cause ur downfall is caused by ur own fuked up arrogant arses
August 13th, 2008 at 6:34 am
It is time to look deep into our own governments before we accuse an entire nation of being guilty of the sins of their government. The Chinese are not responsible for their leadership, but have no control over it. The US have, at the very least A VOTE, and what do they do? They don’t vote and then complain about it. At least the citizens of the US have access to information and are able to make up their own minds.
I am sure the Chinese realise they are being lied to - the Americans stick their collective heads in their pizza and blame “communists” for their problems.
Get educated, read, learn and have a crack at realising you are not the belly button of the world. Other cultures do exist and the problems facing the Chinese people are never going to be solved by your jingoistic shit flinging!
August 13th, 2008 at 6:19 am
@Brosef
Everybody knows that DOB’s abs are like a magnet for females. I’m surprised there aren’t more of us reading Cracked!
@Leeroy
Holy fucking shit. To think I was pissed off with the lack of giant inflatable animals at the figure I thought it was! I must have misheard them, it was like 2am when the voice over peeps were talking about that and I was on the edge of falling asleep after the boringness of all the damn countries walking out. I’m seriously appalled at how much they spent on the Olympics now…
August 13th, 2008 at 6:06 am
@crackerjack
dont try to reason with this bunch of imbeciles.they think that they own the world and can tell everyone else what to do.well america let me tell u this. north korea and iraq r just the beginning. it wont’ be long before superpowers like china and russia go together and overtake ur fatass country.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:01 am
@minokawa, your mum invented anal sex.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:52 am
Well, there is a question i wanted to ask any american. How’ve come Saakashvili (presiden of Geogia) after proclaming peace during Olympics orders attack on South Ossetia, slaughters civilians, women, children, bombs hospitals and after all that hailed as a hero by western press? I mean, some could call it genocyde. Those 2 000 of dead - those are losses mostly among Ossetia’s civilians killed by georgians.
Also, strange thing. You (USA) go around invading different countries to protect your interests, bullying others into submission - and it’s all right. We (Russia) doing something like this once - and you start screaming about Cold War, redtoration of Soviet Union and so on.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:40 am
umm, lorenzo meucci invented the telephone…
August 13th, 2008 at 5:05 am
lololol.hahahaha.omgomgomg.fucken americans, eat shit and die. fucken poofters. iraq afgan and north korea will form a union and fuken nuke ur sorry arse country. gg fuks
August 13th, 2008 at 4:58 am
Can’t agree more with Mr. Hibachi Wu. Yes the Chinese did spent a tenth of a billion on the opening ceremony, while george bush spent $3 trillion on, what, invade Iraq? At least the opening ceremony didn’t involve anyone getting blown to pieces or children getting raped by soldiers who loves titties and hamburgers. And let’s not talk about the oil.
And heck, let me think of some great american achievements as a result of democracy freedom… oh right here’s one, the world’s number one pedophile Mr. Jackson. Hm… Armageddon… oh shit that’s a movie isn’t it? Neil Armstrong’s retarded jumping on the moon? Fuck thats in Hollywood. I think WoW counts as a great american achievement, a device that just utterly destroy the lives of 1/500 of the world population. And here they are talking about Pokemon invading their country.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:54 am
好呀! 好呀! 中国人红起来!
Hao ya! Hao ya! Zhong guo ren hong qi lai!
As an (exceptionally sexy) American man living in China, I can understand (and desire to punch) the various Chinese posters on this site. And thank them. I never expected to be able to practice my Chinese on Cracked of all places! 谢谢, 猪头们!
I have to agree with a few of you on some good points you made, which I will not mention again, because that allows most of you to think I agree with you, and thus you’ll be my best friends. Won’t you? Please?
下一次，请写英文，因为Cracked的人都不正常。
Where’s a good Rocky and Bullwinkle rerun when you need it?
P.S. — I hate public bathrooms because of all the looky-loos, envious of my massive manpiece. I’m shy!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:51 am
I’m not worried, what you said at the very end seems to imply that China’s about to get fucked lol
August 13th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Without Thelps the Aussies are pretty much dominating swimming. They practically live in fucking water.
Their National Swimming Institute takes up most of their sport’s budget.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Jason: keeping face is not mutually exclusive with the idea that these Games are the most important thing that’s happening to China. Doing a spectacular job hosting the Games can be attributed to face, but not calling hosting the Olympics “fulfilling the hundred-years dream.” (百年圓夢)
Deprae: apparently sailing is one of those sports that don’t mess with awesome feminine forms: http://en.beijing2008.cn/news/sports/headlines/sailing/n214505545.shtml Generally though, I agree that sports chicks aren’t really lookers, though I find the swimmers and beach vballers hot enough. Divers, too, look decent, except for the Chinese ones, which look way too androgynously prepubescent.
Funny how the retorts to wounded national pride are always with so-called advantages that are the ones being eroded. Case in point: Chinese people mocking fat Americans, while Chinese spoiled one-child policy kids + increased urban income = generation of kids growing on fatty foods. Or Americans touting military superiority while stuck in minor armed conflicts. Nobody toots the horns of separation of powers and constitutional government, or a nearly-continuous history of literature and arts that spans 4,000 years.
Conclusion: we’re all assholes, and we’re damn lucky the Aussies aren’t twice as populous ‘cuz then they’d ream us all on the medal standings.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:37 am
jeez why is everyone gettin so worked up?!
honestly, i am chinese, and although i AM NOT necessarily proud of my country’s corruption and communistic lead, i AM proud of its culture and tradition…
the olympics were basically a way to enter the international community, kinda like a party, and the opening ceremonies were at least awesome to watch, were they not???
I love America (i live here), so i obviously have nothing against americans, and im in no way offended by this article, as it was in good critical humor… and people like that one hitbachi guy who thinks our country is better than america is lying… we are awesome, and so is america… there that wasnt hard to take now was it?!
just watch the olympics, and enjoy… the united states won the last olympics, so why the heck would u care if we, the chinese, actually won one olympics on our own turf???
…just sayin
August 13th, 2008 at 3:48 am
@lordastral
“I am glad you Chinese are proud of your repressive, corrupt country”
I don’t think a single Chinese is proud of his country’s corruption. That’s about as idiotic as saying,
“I’m glad you Americans are proud of Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, thousands of civilians killed needlessly, more than 10 countries invaded since WWII. Way to go!”
Americans are proud of their country as they should be, but I don’t think it’s fair to say this kind of imbecilities.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:55 am
A couple of points. I am glad you Chinese are proud of your repressive, corrupt country, but lets not forget if it weren’t for the United States, Japan would have completely kicked your ass in World War II, and your country would probabl