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What if They Threw an Awards Show and no one Came?

Seeing as the Writers Guild of America has opted out of writing for or attending the Academy Awards and Golden Globes, and the actors just might stand in whiny defiance alongside them, we may find out.

Honestly, I wouldn't know; I hate awards shows with a vitriol that can only be harbored by those desperately jealous of award winners. In my life, I have won the following:

  • A Macarena Contest
  • A Soccer Participation Trophy
  • A Miniburger-Eating Contest
  • The Spanish National Lottery (Yet to be confirmed, but I’ve received several promising emails)
  • And at the conferrals of all above awards, I never once got the chance to make a speech, although if I had they all would have all gone like this:

    “Fuck all of you. None of you believed in me. You all laughed! Well, NOW who’s holding the fucking 15-Dollar Payless gift certificate, you cunts?!” Then I'd Macarena off, bitches on either arm. Also, I'm Batman.

    My point is, the fact that the writer’s strike may result in the Academy Awards and Golden Globes being even shitter, more pompous, and more irrelevant than usual is the first thing that’s got me really excited about it. Of course, it’s also keeping The Daily Show off the air, so it’s kind of a toss-up.

    But, at least until such time as I am eligible for an award, I proudly support the WGA and their noble struggle for fair pay. Apologies to all those comedians whose only work has just been taken away from them. I’m looking at you, Billy Crystal.

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    Michael Swaim

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