I strolled into work on Monday morning, settled into my swivel chair, turned on my computer and started reading through my morning email. (Cracked pays me VERY generously for my time, but they refuse to comp me for my private jet which, as you can probably imagine, is getting a bit pricey to fuel up these days. As such I’ve been forced to work a day job lately to make ends meet. It’s humiliating, but that’s the price you pay to travel in style.) Things were pretty dead around the office, so I poured myself another cup of coffee, pointed my web browser to Cracked.com and got totally psyched to read the first feature article of the week, The 10 Most Delicious-Looking Sandwiches From 80s Movies. Needless to say I was caught completely off guard when this came up on my screen:
Egad, man! I’d been Websensed!
In its own words, Websense is an “industry-leading web filtering solution” that “improves productivity, reduces legal liability, and optimizes the use of IT resources” with “pass-through filtering technology,” “dynamic protocol management” and “industry-leading reporting tools.” I’m sure that means something to upper management types with yachts and PowerPoint presentations and fancy shirts that actually have buttons on them, but what does it all mean to ME, the average employee who just wants to play some Flash games, read some fart jokes and watch some IcySpicyLeoncie videos on the clock?
Let me sum it all up for you in a nutshell: It means “Websense sucks.”
I should point out that Cracked.com is not the only website that Websense considers “Tasteless” - far from it, in fact, and I’m happy to say we’re in good company. Dead-baby-joke.com is also in the time-out corner, as is Smellypoop.com and the always-hilarious Poobutton.com (even though it only becomes truly NSFW after you hit the poo button a third time).
But there’s all kinds of other things blocked for all kinds of other reasons, too, even if they don’t really make much sense. It’s odd - I always thought Maxim and FHM were pretty much the same thing: magazines full of half-naked photoshopped babes, gadget reviews and aftershave ads, right? Wrong - Websense blocks FHM.com as “Adult Content,” but Maxim.com is perfectly acceptable, as is their current photo feature, 10 Girls That Look Great Oiled Up. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not complaining about it or anything. I just don’t see how oiled up chicks are more appropriate for the workplace than delicious-looking sandwiches that were featured in 80s movies.
And if Websense is so concerned about “Adult Content,” then why am I still allowed to do Google Image searches for “adults fucking”? That really seems like it should be considered “Adult Content,” doesn’t it? Aren’t pictures of adults fucking the most “adult” thing there is? And if it’s okay to do Google Image searches for “adults fucking,” then why is it NOT okay to look at this Photobucket image of a giant Eddie Murphy head with a tiny woman coming out of its ear? That seems way less “adult” than a picture of adults fucking if you ask me. I’m not coming down on you, Websense; I’m just trying to understand.
Let’s not get carried away, though - it’s not like I spend ALL of my time at work looking at pictures of adults fucking and giant Eddie Murphy heads. Sometimes I go for the normal, run-of-the-mill time wasters, trusty standbys like Best of Craigslist and PopCap.com. Too bad both of those sites are blocked now, too. I guess I’ll have to find other ways to amuse myself. You know - like reading the Wikipedia entries for Craigslist and Popcap Games. Then maybe I’ll read the Wikipedia entries for “Penis Panic,” “Lighting Farts” and “The Mermaid Problem.” It’s a good thing Wikipedia is so educational. How could you possibly “waste” time reading an ENCYCLOPEDIA, right? That must be why Websense decided that Wikipedia is completely work-appropriate.
So what exactly am I supposed to do now that I can no longer read Cracked.com at work? What do people do when they can no longer enjoy the same freedoms they used to? How do prisoners pass the time within the mind-numbingly prohibitive Federal Penitentiary System? Lifting weights doesn’t sound very appealing, nor does carving chess sets out of soap or being the victim of horrifically violent man-on-man rape. I guess that whole improving-yourself-through-education thing sounds pretty alright, but what can I really learn at work? What can I teach myself that Websense will actually allow me to access?
I might not be able to read Cracked.com at work, but I guess I could check out The Anarchist’s Cookbook, Howtogrowmarijuana.com, or this handy guide to cooking crack cocaine, which all load on my work computer without any problems and are therefore completely acceptable as far as Websense is concerned. Not that I’m complaining, of course; If I can’t spend my afternoon learning which 10 sandwiches in 80s movies were the most delicious-looking, then I might as well spend it learning how to make explosives and illegal controlled substances.
And hey, you know what? If all else fails, I guess I could always spend the entire day writing a scathing rant about how much Websense sucks. That oughta give my productivity a nice healthy shot in the arm.
Whaddya know? The system works.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- 8 Things Modern Vampires Could Learn From ’The Lost Boys’ - December 3rd, 2008
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
January 7th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
You know what else Websense blocks? Joe Cotten’s music. It’s not tasteless or anything. It’s just too awesome.
Actually, that’s not true. Websense flees Joe Cotten in terror. Six seconds of feedback from his guitar would annihilate them forever. It’s like a nuclear attack on oppression.
Look him up! This is his year!
Please?
October 26th, 2008 at 3:13 am
Proxies
October 15th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
thx for the list of new ways to waste my time =)
i wonder what websense makes of albinoblacksheep.com…..surely some flash game/vid sites must be under its radar
October 7th, 2008 at 9:38 am
HELL YEAH! at school i can look up big tits all i want on google, but no shooting games, or miniclip. it’s a bunch of B.S.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:18 pm
just gonna stop by agian to curse you for the poo button thing.
September 5th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I *hate* Websense! They’ve been using it at work for a few years now, and I will admit to getting a few chuckles from the “reasons” for blocking some sites. “Tasteless” - sounds like more of an opinion than an actual site category. I got the “Tasteless” one for the first time when I tried to visit a blog I used to read and literally lol’ed.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 pm
XD Websense blocked a list of movies from the 1930s from me once. Not even descriptions or anything. Just the names. But it has no problem with allowing me to view pictures rated as mature on deviantart.
July 29th, 2008 at 10:11 am
I see you have been to the best web page in the universe.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
I admin a proxy that uses Websense.
Currently cracked.com is listed as “Entertainment” and isn’t blocked. One of my co-workers directed me to http://www.cracked.com/article_16480_how-approach-sensitive-question-anal.html so I had to put in a request to Websense to recategorize this site as ‘Tasteless’ again.
That’s why I always bring my SprintPCS aircard to work with me, too.
Although… my company is pursuing products that would keep a local version of the proxy restrictions on your laptop so you would be blocked even if you weren’t on our network. That truly sucks.
July 19th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
wow websense is god fucking awful we have it at work but this site just got unblocked i guess hacking does work.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
In high school our filtering system deemed the sugar-coated site Neopets as tasteless, and wouldn’t let this one guy do a search for Eiffel Tower for his French project. Go figure.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:37 am
do you know __http://seekingbbw.com _______All Plussize/BBW/BHM singles and admirers, meet together here! Then it will be easier for you to find friends, soulmates, romance&love! The best and largest community for plus-size singles and admirers in the world.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:24 am
You may love to join our chatting this with hot singles at R I C H L O V I N G.C O M , where the hot affluent singles and sexy girls and models to hook up for Hot Love, Flirt and Sexy Dating!
July 7th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Sweet Jesus! My dead cat is posting! Fiendish? Is that you, baby?
July 7th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
If bots cannot provide exactitude (or indeed, complete specificity), what can they provide?
As for the article, what really struck me was what it must be like working alongside a Cracked blogger. Kind of like working with Clark Kent or Peter Parker, I imagine, all the time surrounded by the cosmic forces of funny and not even knowing it. Etc.
Also, I am intrigued by the crazyforketchup character.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:11 am
I lover his music very much.
Well said, Jessica, although I’ve never heard Ross’ album. Can you send me a track to sample? And outside of which race is he dating: the human one, or merely his Russian Jewish one?
I demand exactititude from bots here.
July 6th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I lover his music very much. Just last week, I saw him at “interracial chatting .com” He has
created a personal blog and several ablums there. I think he is interested in dating someone
outside of his race.
July 5th, 2008 at 9:22 am
I often go to online dating site __PlusMeet.com__ to seek fun&romance. And sometimes, I even chat with friends at plusmeet during work time because the boss is seldom at office. LOL……
July 5th, 2008 at 5:25 am
Sometimes I really wonder why do you folks write up stuff and make videos that are totally NOT-funny and to an extent are downright appalling. Please. fellas, STOP making your IQs plummet by doing such stuff.
July 4th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
JJJJ: dumbest.
July 4th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Dude, the fart button was wrong. My eyes have been seared. There must be some sort of warning before that abomination. Also, calling something NSFW, while helpful, just makes me want to go home and click it. Next time just tell me what is coming. Sorry, I felt I had to share.
July 4th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Why, because of a rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop and a can-do attitude?
July 4th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Yes, but that’s Maddox, and I think we can all understand why his site gets blocked by Websense.
July 4th, 2008 at 12:02 am
I looked up the Wikipedia entry on Tentacle rape long ago already.
I recall a similar article about how Websense sucks on Maddox’s site, when he found out they blocked the best page in the universe.
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:48 pm
You know whats wierd? I actually looked at the anarchists cookbook thing, and apparently I’ve been blacking out and reading about bombs.
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Hmmm, I just checked out the Poo Button site, and I think that’s my Grade 4 English teacher.
Mrs. Thompson, I am feeling very smug right now. It was you who always suggested I would be the one who ended up in scat videos online, despite the internet not even being heard of at the time. Now who’s laughing, huh?
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
im just going to say screw you for the poo button again
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:53 am
Want something amusing?
Websense blocks “Naked Juice”, the fruit smoothie things, but not “Naked People”, being non clothed human beings…..
I also enjoy when it tells you the category “filtered” is filtered….that’s helpful
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:04 am
kingmonkey+1:
YES!! I was waiting for that!
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:30 am
Recently, quite a few celebrities and pro athletes were said to appear on the millionaire luxury club “R I C H L O V I N G.C O M” to hook up with hot girls, ladies, models… OMG!!! Are these famous guys fond of internet dating for now?? Maybe they are indeed so rich that they feel boring sometimes to need new things? It was reported on MSN Charlie Sheen has found his girl there last May.
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:17 am
if you are fat. don’t be upset.just go to seekingbbw.com to make more friends.I am sure you can get more happiness!
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Websense blocks all of my fun including online poker, AIM and facebook, so I just installed logmein on my home comp and remote control it from work lol. Also watch out for that goddamn “continue for work purposes” button. It lets you click through and then they send you fucking warnings if you do it too much! Fuckity Fuck websense
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Just try Mozilla like a good internet user.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:31 pm
also fuck websense
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:30 pm
websense has blocked sites that are completely safe, hell they block every site that has anything remotely interesting(and alot that dont). i guess the websense doesnt even take a look at the sites there blocking. i assume they chose by just randomly picking one off a list(or google). ill bet they have the biggest assholes just see which sites are most popular and just snipe em off.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
being a high school student, I have become a seasoned expert at getting around websense.
my favorite part is how it blocks facebook for being “swimsuit & lingerie.” huh?
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
webnonesense is awful - we got a policy that says sites 9except pr0n and violence) should be open unless specifically asked to be blocked. Our crapolacomputerservices thn go buy this heaposhyte that makes them even lazier - now we’ve got a policy and softwre that breaks it. The categories include “Unknown religions” ! I mean the known ones are the biggest danger to thinking ppl. But webno-sense blocks Bob Church.. oh woe.
Still I found a server to vnc to to bypass we-bno-sense
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
yeah websense blows. my quest to do anything except actual work did lead me to a way around it, it works for me maybe 75% of the time, though I guess it depends on how the admin set it up.
anyway instead of going to cracked.com, google “cracked.com” then click the small Cached link underneath the main link and a lot of times it’ll let you through.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Sheesh, I hope I never end up in an office. Those jobs sound so…
soul-crushing and agony-inducing.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I was responsible for installing Websense at my last place of work. I swear they’re some kind of ominous Illuminati-esque cabal bent on controlling the world’s flow of information.
For that way lies POWER.
When I tried to sign us up, I couldn’t find a price anywhere on their website. They have no standard fees, which I find really creepy. I mean, they offer the same service to everyone, right?
Then I realised. Their obsession with controlling your knowledge extends even to their own company. Next year, they won’t answer you when you email them. The year after that, all evidence of their company will be erased from history. And yet they will still be there. In the ether. Watching the world.
CONTROLLING it.
I bet they still won’t block fucking Ebaumsworld.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
My job has websense and I’m barred from most everything, as well. I’ll have to check today to make sure I still have craigslist though. That was my last line of defense.
The worst part is I was allowed onto Cracked for the majority of the time I’ve been working there, and only very recently was it blocked.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I’m in the same boat as you JD. Seriously… I’m glad I wasn’t at work when I clicked that.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
You bastard. Poobutton? Really? Here I’m thinking it would be
funny to make some fart sounds and then, you link me to this abomination?
You coulda’ been a little more cautionary than just “it only becomes truly NSFW after you hit the poo button a third time”. I thought you were being sarcastic. Turns out your honesty wasn’t honest enough *BARF*
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
[...] for those of you who like to surf while they work, there in an interesting article about a web filtering program called Websense that if your company has installed it, or does install it, may interfere with your [...]
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
This was funny!
If my work had Websense I’d have to quit.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
My workplace has an insane filter system that allows totally weird crap through but blocks things you might actually need… Case in point, all references to prescription drugs are blocked (maybe somebody took all those penile enhancement emails a little too personally?). Unfortunately, WE’RE A NEWSROOM! Sorry about that important FDA recall, folks — somebody has a problem with their junk!
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
My job just got websense like 2 months ago. It’s horrible. I spent like four shifts trying to figure out ways around it. Take that productivity.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
So, my work computer doesn’t screen anything, but it just so happens my boss was behind me and i accidentaly clicked the link “adults fucking” and it opens a seperate screen… I close it awkwardly and go on with my day. Thanks for your time and effort. American Express has an extreme love for me now!
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
*is
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
this truly fucked up
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:03 pm
fuck you ross. I had never heard of poo button so I clicked it 3 times. OHMYGAWD MY EYES!!! That is something I will never unsee.
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Poobutton? Ross, Poobutton?!!! It completely ruined any fantasies I was having about IcySpicyLeoncie.
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Boing Boing has a page on how to bypass filters at work. While it seems to be primarily about accessing BoingBoing, some of these methods could work well here too.
http://www.boingboing.net/censorroute.html
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:57 am
I had the same problem with this site as well. One day it was working well, the next day that image came up. I figured Something Awful was a shoe-in, but this site? Well, it must have been someone posting something obscene in the forum, because now I’m typing this message in while working. Weird.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
Blame the network admin for that. All those filtering programs default to the highest restriction level, but group policy is defined by the admin. Yours is probably too lazy to set it up reasonably, since the filters don’t apply to him he could watch fisting orgies all day at work.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:29 am
My highschool had some crappy ass filtering program that blocked, among many other things, 90% of all wallpaper image websites, E-bay, Yahoo! and all it’s subdomains, a mostly text site about the legend of King Arthur ran by a university 0_o, google searches for the IP address of E-bay, and some but not all flash games, including every instance of TyperShark on the internet (we found this out when the teacher for applied technology said that we could spend the warm up time on Fridays playing typing games and no one could access TyperShark. We were ****ing pissed). Dead baby jokes, sites about comic books, and all the dirty articles on wikipedia were perfectly fine, however.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:23 am
If I had a coin with the same two sides……I think I’d want them both to be of a Christian Bale-Heath Ledger man sammich.
Only while they are in costume of course, otherwise it would be just SICK.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
In Soviet Russia, you block WebSense!!
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:07 am
In China, internet is censored for everyone. In USA, only for corporate employees. I gues corporations are just an american version of communist parties. How’s that for “two sides of the same coin”, eh?
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
I wrote a rant sorta like this my Freshman year of highschool on deadjournal. Makes me all nostalgic…
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 am
Not trying to rub it in or anything, but my work has nothing like Websence, and I just wasted about 25 minutes laughing my ass off at jokes about dead babies.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
Websense does suck. My high school used it and successfully blocked every website besides Google. It was ridiculous. Cracked.com should never be blocked!
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
I’m sorry for your loss. I too had Cracked.com WebSense’d away from me, but this was several months ago. Its been a hard life, let me tell you. I’m always behind on the day’s “funny”.
Amazingly EBAUMSWORLD isn’t Websense’d, except their flash games, so I just go to Ebaum’s to read all their great stolen Cracked.com articles. What a world, eh?
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:24 am
So about this “Mermaid Problem”.
So one or two random shit authors talking about a fish woman with no vagina gets a Wikipedia article….and yet DOB is left cry in a manly way with 300 Brazilian supermodels to console him?
What is this world coming to?
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:22 am
Why don’t you just use a proxy site??? It’s what I do in the Navy lol
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:21 am
First “the best page in the universe” now Cracked! Soon nothing will be safe from the evil that is Websense!
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:08 am
Thanks for the heads up on bestofcraigslist! I would also like to read about delicious sandwiches.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
If you want to see this blog done right four years ago click… http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=websense
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:49 am
Since your work will let you, here is a good article.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_problems_solved_by_MacGyver
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
Wow, now you truelly are on-par with Maddox mate
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:47 am
“Penis Panic?” I think we’ve found the subject and title of the next M. Night Shyamalan film!
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 am
My heart goes out to you Ross. I have no idea what I would do with myself if I couldn’t view things like Cracked.com at work. Thank God I’m the IT director here at my job. Cracked.com for everyone! Viva la libertad!
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:02 am
La Chupacabra!! *bleat*
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 am
How did I miss that article about the movie sandwiches?
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 am
first?
Why were you reading about the chupacabra? Have you lost some of your goats recently?
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:42 am
So, have you been fired yet?