By now, you've likely noticed that we at Cracked are taking a very serious stab at making the world a better place for future generations the same way as so many other great minds before us: by designing and selling T-shirts. Sadly, to date, all we've succeeded in making are piles of money. Needless to say, it's been a big disappointment. But revolutions never happen in a day, and we are resilient. We will continue adding new shirts to our store, the Cracked Dispensary, until humanity rounds some evolutionary corner as a direct result. In the meantime, there are a few important aspects of the Cracked Dispensary we want to point out so that you are always abreast of our progress. First and foremost, at some point we will have to make a shirt that says across the chest "Always Abreast." We're writing it down right now.
We Have New Shirts
Bam! Just like that, our store doubled in size. We've added four new shirts and will continue adding new shirts every other week. So even if none of these speak to you, there's a new shirt on the way, and frankly, it won't shut up about you. While you wait, you can pre-order our brand new book from Amazon.
We're also showering all of you with sales constantly, that's how badly we want to mail you everything we own. Right now you can get 15 percent off all products in the store with the discount code HAUNTME2013 through the end of October (keep an eye out for Black Friday sales as well).
And now that we've greased the wheels with all this discounted merchandise, there's a little favor we want to ask ...
We're no fools. We know that Cracked is built on the backs of the people who love the site. Just as we encourage everyone who has ever wanted to pitch an article to write articles for us that you would want to read, regardless of experience, so too do we encourage all of you to submit designs for the T-shirts you want to wear. Every month we hold a new contest with a $500 prize for the best T-shirt design. In our last contest, we asked for parodies of some of the most iconic T-shirts of all time. We had entries ranging from genius to impractical and borderline crazy. And that's exactly what we want, because we truly believe in the old adage: There are no bad ideas, just bad people.
When the dust had settled on that contest, we chose three winners from a slew of brilliant designs, all of which will be available in our store over the next few weeks, all of whom won $500 for their design!
If this looks like something you might want to take a shot at, we have a contest running RIGHT NOW! We're asking you to give us your best Cracked logo T-shirt. It's high time everyone knew the name of the best site that's blocked at their work.
If you'd like to submit entries, it's mind-numbingly simple, and we hold your hand through the process in the very first post in the submission thread. Even if you don't win but we like the cut of your jib, we might send you an email and throw money at you to help us design shirts in the future. That's exactly what happened with handsome human success story Josh Geiser, who designed three of the four recent additions to our store.
We Want to See You in Our Sh*t
By now you may be thinking, "Eh, designing really isn't my thing. I wish that just once I could be judged by what's on the outside instead of the strength of my character and the skill sets I've honed." Well, you're in luck, hypothetical attractive stranger. We also run contests asking for photographs of you in our gear. In our last contest, we offered $100 for the best photographs depicting carefully orchestrated acts of awesome while wearing a Cracked shirt. The results were almost as outstanding as we expected!
The winner was Alex Race for this extraordinary bit of manufactured heroism:
And we will continue this contest indefinitely, picking a new winner every other week. We just want to see you making the world a better place in our shirts, or at least faking it well enough that we can trick future generations into believing that you did through photographic evidence.
Even if you don't win, there's a good chance we'll still want to use your photo in the Cracked Dispensary, where you will be immortalized forever. Make sure it's something you're proud of.
We'll continue giving you updates on contest winners, new shirts, and discount codes every Tuesday, assuming this is the kind of thing you can't get enough of, which we assume must be the case if you read all the way to the end here. Thanks for your support, now give us your money and let's fucking change the world together.