So I got around to seeing Watchmen this weekend. I don’t think I have any particular insights that you haven’t read elsewhere–I was pleased to see that they didn’t dumb down the plot too much, although I still found the whole movie somewhat sterile and unconvincing. In particular the acting was woefully uneven, rendering many of the critical characters unbelievable. The Silk Spectre in particular felt incredibly flat, except for the bosoms, which–if I recall correctly–weren’t.
I mean it wasn’t a disaster, but there’s honestly not much to recommend about it. I wasn’t exactly surprised by this either–there was no reason to suspect a novel as dense as the Watchmen would ever make a satisfying film that clocked in under four hours. Either the plot would be changed entirely, or the character development would get cut down, or the brilliant parallels and contrasts would be lost. And it’s not just me, some wild-eyed nutcake, who thought this would be the case. The original wild-eyed nutcake, Alan Moore, himself once said, “I didn’t design [Watchmen] to show off the similarities between cinema and comics, [...] It was designed to show off the things that comics could do that cinema and literature couldn’t.”
And when you think about it like that, the fact that Hollywood made a Watchman movie and it came out actually recognizable as the Watchmen is pretty amazing. Considering the sort of turd burritos that often come out of Hollywood, this could have been worse. Like thus, perhaps:
__
INT. DAN DREIBURG’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
RORSCHACH is sitting at the kitchen table, eating BEANS. DAN enters, turning on the kitchen light.
RORSCHACH:
Hello Daniel. Helped myself to some beans. Hope you don’t mind.
DAN:
Not at all. What brings you here?
RORSCHACH:
The Comedian’s dead.
RORSCHACH flicks the blood stained button onto the table. Daniel examines it.
DAN:
You don’t think…
RORSCHACH:
That’s right Daniel. The Russians. The Crimson Discharge are on the move. We’ve got to get the team back together.
DAN punches the wall.
DAN:
All right. Let’s saddle up.
__
EXT. ROCKEFELLER MILITARY RESEARCH CENTER - NIGHT
A dark and rainy night. RORSCHACH breaks in to visit his old friends.
INT. ROCKEFELLER MILITARY RESEARCH CENTER - NIGHT
A brightly lit research laboratory. Large machines do science in the background. Rorschach walks around a corner.
DR. MANHATTAN:
Hello, Rorschach.
RORSCHACH looks up to see DR. MANHATTAN, two stories tall, wearing nothing but a towel.
__
INT. WATCHMAN HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
A parlor with enormous padded chairs gathered around a large easel. SILK SPECTRE II, NITE OWL II, RORSCHACH, OZYMANDIAS, DR. MANHATTAN and CHESTER are there.
OZYMANDIAS gestures at the easel, looking pensive.
OZYMANDIAS:
We’ll split up into two groups. Doc, you and Laurie will fly into Afghanistan and fight the Russians there. Myself, Nite Owl and Rorschach will search for clues in the sewers of Paris.
CHESTER:
What about me? You can’t leave me behind again!
NITE OWL II:
You’re too young Chester. This isn’t kid’s stuff.
CHESTER:
But I’m not a kid any more.
CHESTER runs at a wall, getting two full paces up it before doing a back flip. He lands on his feet, and makes a complicated movement with his arms that looks martial artsy. OZYMANDIAS watches, stroking his chin.
OZYMANDIAS:
We could use the help…
DR. MANHATTAN:
Agreed. Chester will make a fine addition to our force.
DR. MANHATTAN wiggles his nose. A costume appears on CHESTER. He is now TEEN NITE OWL.
TEEN SILK SPECTRE enters and sees TEEN NITE OWL.
TEEN SILK SPECTRE:
Congratulations little brother!
SILK SPECTRE II glares at DR. MANHATTAN, who is staring at TEEN SILK SPECTRE. An erection is clearly visible in the loose gym shorts he’s wearing.
__
EXT. MOLOCH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
RORSCHACH comes crashing through the second story window of MOLOCH’s apartment. He is immediately set upon by half a dozen police officers, who manage to take him to the ground after an intense struggle. They tear off the mask, to reveal GARY COLEMAN’s face, straining with anger.
__
EXT. BUSY FREEWAY - DAY
SILK SPECTRE II lands atop the moving tractor trailer with balletic grace. Behind her, DRAGO flexes his muscles. They fight, a hyperkinetic ballet of devastating punches and barely parried kicks.
CUT TO - NITE OWL II, flying ARCHIE along the highway, zooming along beneath overpasses, rubbing cars out of the way. Two bright red CYBORGS trail behind him on motorcycles, scattering bullets wildly at him.
NITE OWL II:
Time to turn and burn baby.
NITE OWL II flips the control stick, sending ARCHIE into a reverse 180. ARCHIE flies backwards, colliding with cars left and right. NITE OWL II selects missiles on his control stick and fires. Thirty missiles come arcing out of ARCHIE’s vents, contrails trailing behind them. A cataclysm of explosions obliterate the two CYBORGS.
NITE OWL II:
Lock and load baby!
SILK SPECTRE II and DRAGO continue their fight. SILK SPECTRE II barely ducks an oncoming overpass, and is thrown off balance. DRAGO knocks her to the floor with a fierce punch. She lies winded, as DRAGO advances on her, murder in his eyes. Suddenly DRAGO is cut in two by a burst of machine gun fire from ARCHIE.
NITE OWL II:
Show me the beef baby!
SILK SPECTRE II springs to her feet, and runs to the back of the truck, where the KEYMAKER lies cowering. She scoops him up and jumps to the roof of ARCHIE. The tractor trailer explodes behind them.
__
INT. KARNAK, OZYMANDIAS’S SECRET LAIR - DAY (Everything looks very TECHNO-EGYPTIANY, but not in a Stargate way.)
NITE OWL II:
You’re a goddamned traitor, Veidt! I can’t believe the master of capitalism seeks to destroy it for his red masters. Well, we won’t let you get away with it.
OZYMANDIAS:
Oh really Dan? What are you going to do about it? Did you really expect me to explain my masterstroke if there was the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it 35 minutes ago.
RORSCHACH:
Not without this you didn’t!
RORSCHACH holds up the real MANHATTANITE, which he had switched out on OZYMANDIAS during the deal in MIAMI.
OZYMANDIAS:
Nooooooooooooooo!
__
INT. KARNAK - MAIN HALL - DAY
The two opposing forces square off across the room, the WATCHMEN on the right, the CRIMSON DISCHARGE on the left. At an unspoken signal, they engage in combat with their counterparts.
DR. MANHATTAN grapples with THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION, the pair of them rolling outside where they grow to titanic size, striding across the Antarctic landscape, exchanging helicopter kicks and ion blasts. They lock in a clench, eyes burning. Suddenly THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION breaks his grasp, twisting his opponent around. From behind, he seizes DR. MANHATTAN by his DIAPER, yanking it violently upward. A CRY emits from DR. MANHATTAN’s mouth that splits the heavens. A sick grin spreads across THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION’s face, as he twists the diaper in his cruel hands. Suddenly the diaper rips, freeing DR. MANHATTAN. He falls to the ground and immediately sweeps the leg, sending THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION to a distant galaxy with his mighty blow.
Proposed costume design for Nite Owl II (left) and Teen Nite Owl (right)
__
INT. KARNAK - DAY
NITE OWL II and TEEN NITE OWL chase OZYMANDIAS, the walls of KARNAK crumbling around them. They round a corner only to be confronted by BUBASTIS, the genetically modified lynx. BUBASTIS pounces at the pair, who cartwheel out of the way. Cornered, NITE OWL II reaches into his belt and produces several LINKS OF SAUSAGE which he throws at the cat. They scramble past her while distracted, only to be deafened by the roar of jet exhaust. OZYMANDIAS has climbed into an his PLANE shaped like a HAMMER and SICKLE, which launches down a narrow runway into the Antarctic sky.
TEEN NITE OWL:
He got away!
NITE OWL II:
Sometimes the bad guys get away Chester.
TEEN NITE OWL:
But it’s not fair!
SILK SPECTRE II enters, her costume torn in the appropriate places.
NITE OWL II:
Don’t look so glum Chester. At least we won the battle.
SILK SPECTRE II:
And we got the girl.
NITE OWL II:
Oh hell yeah!
NITE OWL II and SILK SPECTRE II kiss passionately. TEEN NITE OWL looks on, embarrassed. “IN THE END” by LINKIN PARK begins playing as the credits roll.
__
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July 22nd, 2009 at 12:15 am
Oh lord, Bucholz never ceases to amaze me at how incredibly dumb he can be! It’s not as if you come off as an obsessed fan of the comic because you clearly do not know what Alan Moore intended with his masterpiece. Lord, do us all a favor and rant about pirates some more.
April 27th, 2009 at 3:18 am
I at least respected the way the film has tried to drag comic book movies out of kid-friendly adaptation territory. I mean, which other comic book movie would be gritty enough to show both the hacking head scene that Woozy mentioned and the prison scene where they have to cut through the huge guy’s arms with a circular saw?
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:05 am
I guess Rorschach killed the guy with a hatchet to show that he had broken down, that he wanted the guy to pay. He kept swinging at him burying it deeper and deeper. i thought it was excellent. I loved watch Doc blowing people to hell, seeing the guts and everything.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Yea, the fact that they changed the fire to the axe wasn’t really cool. But how can you expect less from the guy that directed 300?
There were some nice additions, like lauries nipples. I thought that was quite tasteful.
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:42 am
Oh, what the hell! My brain is dying! What a cleverly constructed plan to indirectly kill your readers! I’m melting after going through those scripts. In a bad way.
April 20th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
TL DR
April 19th, 2009 at 8:44 am
I know a lotta people complained about the movie but as a fan of the comic book I actually liked it enough to see it twice in theaters in Japan (which ain’t cheap unless $18 for a movie is cheap). I got used to Dr. Manhattan’s thingy, but that’s probably because I didn’t make a point of staring at it the whole time it was on the screen. *It was on there a ton, though–not that I have any complaints! Suddenly I find myself wanting to watch it again…=P
April 14th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I just wanted to say that I think Wormdundee’s response was the most perfect thing I’ve ever read in a comments section.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Too much ding-dong in that movie, no wonder the title is “Watch Men”.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I’d actually be OK with Dr Wang Wang wearing a towel. The blue dong to boob ratio was way too high. Incidentally, it should always be 0 in my opinion.
I agree though, it really wasn’t a bad movie. I actually went back and read the Novel for the first time after seeing it and was surprised at how similar some of it was.
April 7th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Uh jake, that would be Captain Metropolis, not Manhattan.
I know what you mean though, the whole map thing is not at all what Ozymandias’ character would have done. That really annoyed me. There was also a point near the beginning of the movie where they referred to the Crimebusters as the Watchmen a couple times.
I’m pretty sure they did that so that people wouldn’t be asking, “Hey, why is this called Watchmen if there is no superhero group called the Watchmen?!??”
In general, I thought it was as good a Watchmen movie as we were going to get, but there’s just some things in there that I don’t understand why they changed. For example, Rorschach killing the pedophile dude with a hatchet instead of fire. I can’t think of a reason why you would change that.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
yeah it could have been worse. Although im still pissed on how they got the map burning scene emssed up. It was captain manhattan whose map was destroyed not ozymandias. That just fucked up part of the movie and by then i was already angry for paying to see it so i just wanted to shit myself from the terrible acting and personality the characters have.
March 30th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
….ive just seen watchmen after hearing about it. ok…..if dr. manhattan was so powerful….couldnt he just grow 2 miles tall and say if the world doesnt stop its war/nuclear war he’ll throw the earth into the sun or something like that. Regardless in the end he becomes mans common enemy. or am i missing something about the story?
March 26th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
The Means of Production going down from a leg sweep?
It would have been better if Dr. Manhattan split into millions of worker-sized versions of himself, armed with AKs. The only REAL way to seize the Means of Production.
March 25th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Cheers Kakerlack!
March 21st, 2009 at 7:57 pm
woah kakerlak, how long did you want the movie to be?? the whole tales of the black freighter thing will be published with the dvd, so calm down. and zack snyder’s style suits the graphic novel format, i think the movie was as good as it could have been considering the fact that watchmen was prettymuch written to show up and expose the inadequacies of other mediums, like cinema. and yikes, you liked the music in the archie sex scene?? that was the most awkward part of the movie for me - hallelujah, i’m not impotent? don’t beat me over the head with it, now >.< all along the watchtower and the times they are a changin kicked ass. especially yours.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
only the people who didn’t know what the novel was about, were expecting something like this and would’ve been more pleased with it.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
This was good. Although I like Treatsize’s better . The linking park made me laugh and puke at the same time.
But honestly the movie was a poor rendering of the graphic novel. I would’ve liked to see the secondary characters more like the newstand guy and the kid with the comic book, and more into Rorschach’s past, the hiroshima lover’s thing that was awesome… Instead they decided to use more of the love parts tween Silk Spectre and Nite Owl, although that one in the owl ship had the only good use of music in the whole movie. And of course the squid would’ve been better.
And could he use any more slow motion shots?? honestly.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
“In The End” by Linkin Park can’t be any worse than My Chemical Romance’s absolute butchery of “Desolation Row”
March 19th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
[...] And to all you who didn’t at least it wasn’t like this. [...]
March 19th, 2009 at 5:51 am
well done, bucholz, but i’m afraid it fell short of Michael Bay’s Dark Knight.
March 18th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Better then Saturday Morning Watchmen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDDHHrt6l4w
March 18th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
:l I heard it was. *cough*
The trailer made me Lmao too much already.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Time Magazine begs to differ.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
It was a comic not a novel
March 18th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I couldn’t stop laughing with CHESTER!
March 18th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
hahahaha I laughed so hard at the part about Manhattan getting a diaper wedgie. Nice article.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
When I saw it, I was sitting next to my friend’s dad, who is a pastor, in the theatre. He did not comment on the sex scenes.
But I thought the movie was AWESOME. And yes, I have read the graphic novel. Almost twice. It was missing a few things, but it was way better than most novel-to-film adaptions *coughcough Eragon cough*.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Wow, that was hilarious. KEYMAKER and IN THE END were genius.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I thought Watchmen was amazing. Far superior to anything that was nominated for Best Picture a month ago.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Eh, well, I liked it anyway. It wasn’t a graphic novel, but as Bucholz said, didn’t expect it to be, there was no way they could have.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I never read Watchmen and the movie still felt like it was missing a lot. It wasn’t bad, but I wasn’t all that impressed either. On a positive note, I thought the cinematography was good. A lot of the shots and angles had a very comic book sorta feel to them.
March 18th, 2009 at 9:58 am
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March 18th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Of course the characters are unbelievable you asshole. They are superheroes!
Stop trying to sound like roger fucking ebert by calling the movie “somewhat sterile and unconvincing”. What the fuck does that even mean? Sterile? How is the movie sterile? People want to find everything they can about a movie to try and sound like some fuckin film buff, when nobody knows shit. Every time I read a review about a movie, it is usually some retard like you spouting bullshit.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Damnnnnn I like the movie even though I never read it graphic novel. Awesome Comedian and Roscach.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Dude
No one should ever complain about Watchmen after the trailer of Dragon Ball Fucking Movie.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:40 am
I couldn’t have put it better myself Thursday’s Child. Now that was a good article…
March 18th, 2009 at 2:18 am
The only way it could have been worse is if you saw Manhattan with a boner.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Just call it a squeal and ship it off to fox. 3 years from now you can do coke off a live stripper this time.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:20 am
It was horrible…horrible. Like a chicken.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
haha, i havent laughed this much at an article in awhile. then again, i am a little high…. but still, great stuff, keep it up
March 17th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Before watching “Watchmen”, I saw a couple of critics I respect saying good things about the movie, and I went to see it despite my daughter’s warnings.
I thought some scenes were suddenly very violent, which wasn’t entirely necessary. I think my wife had nightmares.
At some stage, I was also wondering what the difference was between what I was seeing and a sex film.
Too slow, too weak and too lame for my liking.
When we got back home, we saw a note from my daughter, saying “Told you it was bad! I hope you had a good time anyway”…
Gal
March 17th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Yes. It could have been a lot worse.
It could have been like reading this article. Snooore.
March 17th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
TL;DR
March 17th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Hohohohoh, hahahhahahaha, hehehehehehehe, lololololol!!!!. Jesus fucking christ, stop writing crap.
March 17th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Its a good thing Dr. Manhattan wasn’t a Jamaican. Cause then people woulda had a REAL SERIOUS PROBLEM with him being nude.
His dick woulda been near his feet.
March 17th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
give me my time back, crap article.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Wow that movie woulda sucked worse than Citizen kane and Ladri di biciletta… put together
my favorite part was with the stage direction lmao
March 17th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
and when I say “affirms”, i mean sex.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
there’s a 20 or so minute scene that really, afFIRMS his high altitude rescue fetish.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
i havnt actually seen the movie yet. does nite owl still have a high altitude rescue fetish?
March 17th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
someone mentioned that maybe one day it’ll be done properly as an HBO miniseries.
I really have to wonder why this wasn’t done that way in the first place. Don’t you think HBO could promote this properly and have it make about as much as a feature production?
Really, novels should always be adapted into a series or mini series (Dexter), while movies should be mainly adapted from short stories.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Oh hey Yarp, as much as I agree with you about Malin Akerman, I disagree about the PDF shit. I read Watchmen via a .cbz file, and I bet you I walked away from it with more understanding of it than you ever did.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Hm. Well played Mr. Bucholz, well played. Although I would like to add that Silk Spectre’s tits: very flat.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I stopped reading somewhere between the appearance of the teens … what is the point of this column again?
March 17th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
It’s not a novel.
It’s a comic book.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
The best part about Yarp’s comment is that I am sure that in real life he is boning chicks way hotter than Malin Akerman and definitely not sitting in his parents’ basement.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
@ Pedgerow and John-
I think the humor here is more ‘placing the characters we know in a terrible adaptation.’
March 17th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I’ll have your badge for this, Lieutenant.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
…… Ok!
March 17th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I think Dr.Manhattan’s penis was the highlight of the movie
March 17th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Yarp is correct. Silk Specter is built like a surfboard. And really, if you want to see a good Watchmen spoof, I recommend you mozy on over to “How the Studios Would Have Ended ‘Watchmen’.” I was really a whole lot better than this.
March 17th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@General Tekno - The script is almost directly based on the Graphic Novel.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
In a way, I have to agree with Pedgerow, but in a slightly more intelligent way. The only thing more irritating than bad movies is “clever” spoofs of bad movies. Do you think that you need to convince anybody that the kind of movies your spoofing are bad? The only real way I react to something like this is to respond “yes, that would be worse”. It’s true…but it’s not funny.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
btw treatsize=win
marry me
March 17th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
pedgerow: why the fuck did you click it then?
awesome article bucholz
March 17th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
shouldn’t it be NITE OWL II TEEN, instead of NITE OWL TEEN?
the previous shows a level of sophistication unwarranted by the script.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I have neither read nor seen Watchmen. So I didn’t get any of the jokes. They might have been funny, I don’t know. If the whole premise of this was to show the script for a film that would suck, then congratulations, because I thought this sucked. Blame it on my ignorance if you like, but I stand by my opinion.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
@what?
you’re not the only one. As a uni bio student, my reading revolves around textbooks, as much as I’d like that to be to the contrary.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
The SAD part is that what you wrote is better than the scripts that WERE floating around Hollywood.
Let me just say one of them involved time travel/paradoxes. Yeah.
March 17th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
INT - KARNAK - DAY
NITE OWL II gets attacks and mauled by BUBASTIS
OZYMANDIAS: Yes Dan, feel the wrath of my pink pussy!
__
EXT - WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS - DAY
DR MANHATTAN and JFK are shaking hands
DR MANHATTAN: I’m very pleased to meet you Mr President, I can’t tell you how… Mr President? Mr President! Eyes up here please…
DR MANHATTAN becomes impatient, cut to blue penis morphing into the shape of DR MANHATTAN’s face
DR MANHATTAN: Now that i have your attention…
March 17th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
INT - ARCHIE - NIGHT
RORSCHACH: *sniff* It smells like fuckin’ sex in here!
SILK SPECTRE II and NITE OWL II steal a quick glance.
NITE OWL II: Eh… Um… How do you know?
RORSCHACH: Are you kiddin? I’ve just been in jail, I’d know that smell anywhere!
March 17th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
@ what?
No, thousands of Watchmen “fans” have never read the comic. They might have downloaded a PDF version and skimmed through it so they could bitch about changes made in the film version, but they’ve never actually touched a paper and ink graphic novel.
March 17th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Are you kidding me? Silk Spectre’s tits were practically non-existent, especially in the sex scene.
March 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
this issssssss great!
March 17th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Ha ha, this was pretty funny!
I thought the movie was okay. I liked it. Jackie Earle Hayley was AWESOME as Rorschach.
But it wasn’t even CLOSE to being as good as The Dark Knight.
March 17th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Fuck Chris, you’d better copyright that shit right now or some movie director will steal that and make millions…
Sad thing is, im fairly certain its possible :/
March 17th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Crimson discharge, hahahaha….eeeewwww.
March 17th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Meh. This is way too much like “Michael Bay’s Dark Knight.”
March 17th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
And after this movie came out they would make Saturday Morning Watchmen as a spin-off
March 17th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
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March 17th, 2009 at 11:54 am
linkin park! yaaaaaawwww!
(thats a joke btw)
March 17th, 2009 at 11:53 am
You forgot the training montage.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Damn this was good.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Wow you just made the real movie seem way better to me.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I think I am the only person on the internet who has not read or seen Watchmen…so while I’m sure this would be very funny if I understood the context, I know very little about Watchmen except that it features excessive amounts of giant blue digital dong.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Yeah, because Linkin Park would have been SO much worse than a My Chemical Romance parody of Bob Dylan.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Great laugh out loud article! I’m totally going to work “turd burrito” into my next conversation….with the bank teller.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Article was dong alright till it become the fake screen play, my attention span doesn’t work with those thigns
March 17th, 2009 at 10:49 am
That sounds awesome. But there needs to be a rap scene with rorschach
March 17th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Have some respect for “do science”, Howabominable. If there ever was an expression that I could love like my own flesh and blood, it’s “do/doing science”.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Hmph… well I was able to make it through the first few lines before I became impressed with how long and pointless it was
March 17th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Chris Bucholz I’ll hate you forever for writing this, but its still pretty damn funny.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Bravo…bravo.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:59 am
For some reason, the one thing out of all of this that made me laugh out loud was, “Dan punches the wall.”
March 17th, 2009 at 9:58 am
I’d watch anything with Drago in…
March 17th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Good stuff!!
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March 17th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Lol at “in the end”.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Yep, definitely would have been worse!
March 17th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I think that there would be a lot of money in a child friendly version of Watchmen, does anyone know if the Jonas Brothers are available?
The Silk Spectre (played by Miley Cyrus): DAN, THE BUILDING’S, LIKE, ABOUT TO BLOW!
Nite Owl II (played by Nick Jonas): HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD ON!
March 17th, 2009 at 9:12 am
At least it was redeemed by Linkin Park.
Haha.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:03 am
It could’ve been worse.
Watchmen: The Musical.
Featuring the dancing Rorshachs!
and…Dr. Manhattan and his soft shoe!
March 17th, 2009 at 8:59 am
This is the most terrifying thing I’ve read all day…
March 17th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Excuse me. Halloween. Get off my dick.
March 17th, 2009 at 8:46 am
For Holloween, I plan to paint my body blue and walk around naked 90% of the time.
March 17th, 2009 at 8:25 am
All Hail the Shia LaBeouff Backlash. Let it commence.
March 17th, 2009 at 8:19 am
I don’t think it woulod be too hard to get the Watchmen re-made into that. Someone call Warner Bro’s and than Fox’s lawyers.
March 17th, 2009 at 8:16 am
LOCK AND FUCKING LOAD
March 17th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Perfect. I’m seeing Will Smith as Nite Owl II, (think we can get his son Jaden for Teen Nite Owl???), and let’s talk about Shia LaBeouff for all the other parts.
March 17th, 2009 at 7:56 am
damn. that was worse. thank god i liked the real movie.
the linkin park bit was a nice touch.
March 17th, 2009 at 7:56 am
I like this quest for the REAL problem with the Watchmen movie. I have it narrowed down: the movie revolved around boners, the novel did not.
March 17th, 2009 at 7:51 am
RORSCHACH:
Not without this you didn’t!
RORSCHACH holds up the real MANHATTANITE, which he had switched out on OZYMANDIAS during the deal in MIAMI.
OZYMANDIAS:
Nooooooooooooooo!
March 17th, 2009 at 7:28 am
The real problem with the Watchment movie (aside from the horrible acting by some…) is that they removed the human element from the film.
Those sideplots from the book weren’t just filler…Moore put them there so that we actually care about his universe and feel like it’s a real place. That way, when NY explodes I actually give a shit. In the movie… who gives a shit? NY exploded? Big fucking deal, the only characters I know of are at the North Pole.
Plus, the regular people living out their lives gives us a sense of just how batshit crazy someone has to be to put on tights and fight crime.
Eh, I ramble… Maybe in another twenty years we’ll get lucky and HBO will pick this up as a 12 part miniseries, the way it SHOULD be done.
March 17th, 2009 at 7:24 am
I think this entire movie would have to be casted with the High School Musical kids.
We’re talking MONEY people… MONEY.
Oh, and the title needs to change… How does the X-Tremes sound? It tested much better with our target markets.
March 17th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Oddly enough, I have a friend that HATED the movie who would have actually much preferred the Chris Bucholz version. No accounting for taste I suppose…
Incidentally, I thought the movie was in the C+ to B- range. Interesting, could have been trimmed, but didn’t come close to knocking my socks off. I guess that’s what knowing the ending will do for you :-/
March 17th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Stop spoiling the director’s cut!
I want to go into the 37 hour long DVD fresh.
March 17th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Good stuff, I’m actually shocked they didn’t mess up the movie at all. It still sucked and was totally devoid of any emotion whatsoever but still…….
March 17th, 2009 at 6:53 am
That would have been a fun movie, but not nearly as memorable as the real thing. Just shows what can be done with a movie if a studio risks going outside of the formula.
Watching the movie has me buying the graphic novel, so I guess the end justifies the means. ;D
March 17th, 2009 at 6:31 am
ahahahaha
DAN punches the wall
all right. lets saddle up
hahahahahahah, soo funny.
March 17th, 2009 at 6:26 am
At least here I feel like the writer understood what the original comic was about.
March 17th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Damn. The Teen Nite Owl’s costume design is incredible.
March 17th, 2009 at 6:22 am
“From behind, he seizes DR. MANHATTAN by his DIAPER, yanking it violently upward. A CRY emits from DR. MANHATTAN’s mouth that splits the heavens.”
Bucholz, you owe me one keyboard. Mine is now covered with the coffee that spewed out of my mouth when I burst out laughing at that.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Dr. Manhattan in a bath towel? That’s hysterical!
March 17th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Oh that was SO Much better than the real movie!
March 17th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Best Heroes review ever.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:46 am
you could have just used quotes from earlier versions of the script…for example, the climax of one version was Ozy opening a portal in time to snipe Jon before he becomes Manhattan, only to have Manhattan kill Ozy with force-lightning, go THROUGH the portal, and surround Jon, killing himself in the accident. Oh, and Nite Owl, Silk Spectre, and Rorschach end up in our universe in the end.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:41 am
You forgot to specifiy that Shia LaBeouf would play teen Nite Owl, but otherwise, that sounds like typical Hollywood to me.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:11 am
I don’t think I’ll ever stop laughing at the first scene in Dan’s kitchen. Heh.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Whatever. I still say seeing Dr. M wield his dong like a mace would’ve won them an Oscar. Or at least a Teen’s Choice Award.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Dr Manhatten bluuuue them away
March 17th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Is it wrong that the character that I was interested in the most was teen Silk Spectre?
March 17th, 2009 at 4:29 am
That’ll do pig. that’ll do…
March 17th, 2009 at 4:28 am
LOL at the LINKIN PARK reference
March 17th, 2009 at 4:22 am
You did good kid.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Awesome-ly bad…I’d watch it on a lazy saturday night after the real movie….
and for some reason how did I know a Linkin Park Song was gonna play the credits? lol
March 17th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Yes, this would have been much worse.
But, in some sick, twisted fashion, so much better.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:15 am
lololololololol… hilarious
March 17th, 2009 at 4:12 am
What no one in yet??
Huge blue dong!!