Watchmen: How It Could Have Been A Lot Worse
So I got around to seeing Watchmen this weekend. I don't think I have any particular insights that you haven't read elsewhere--I was pleased to see that they didn't dumb down the plot too much, although I still found the whole movie somewhat sterile and unconvincing. In particular the acting was woefully uneven, rendering many of the critical characters unbelievable. The Silk Spectre in particular felt incredibly flat, except for the bosoms, which--if I recall correctly--weren't.
I mean it wasn't a disaster, but there's honestly not much to recommend about it. I wasn't exactly surprised by this either--there was no reason to suspect a novel as dense as the Watchmen would ever make a satisfying film that clocked in under four hours. Either the plot would be changed entirely, or the character development would get cut down, or the brilliant parallels and contrasts would be lost. And it's not just me, some wild-eyed nutcake, who thought this would be the case. The original wild-eyed nutcake, Alan Moore, himself once said, "I didn't design [Watchmen] to show off the similarities between cinema and comics, [...] It was designed to show off the things that comics could do that cinema and literature couldn't."
And when you think about it like that, the fact that Hollywood made a Watchman movie and it came out actually recognizable as the Watchmen is pretty amazing. Considering the sort of turd burritos that often come out of Hollywood, this could have been worse. Like thus, perhaps:
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INT. DAN DREIBURG'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
RORSCHACH is sitting at the kitchen table, eating BEANS. DAN enters, turning on the kitchen light.
RORSCHACH:
Hello Daniel. Helped myself to some beans. Hope you don't mind.
DAN:
Not at all. What brings you here?
RORSCHACH:
The Comedian's dead.
RORSCHACH flicks the blood stained button onto the table. Daniel examines it.
DAN:
You don't think...
RORSCHACH:
That's right Daniel. The Russians. The Crimson Discharge are on the move. We've got to get the team back together.
DAN punches the wall.
DAN:
All right. Let's saddle up.
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EXT. ROCKEFELLER MILITARY RESEARCH CENTER - NIGHT
A dark and rainy night. RORSCHACH breaks in to visit his old friends.
INT. ROCKEFELLER MILITARY RESEARCH CENTER - NIGHT
A brightly lit research laboratory. Large machines do science in the background. Rorschach walks around a corner.
DR. MANHATTAN:
Hello, Rorschach.
RORSCHACH looks up to see DR. MANHATTAN, two stories tall, wearing nothing but a towel.
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INT. WATCHMAN HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
A parlor with enormous padded chairs gathered around a large easel. SILK SPECTRE II, NITE OWL II, RORSCHACH, OZYMANDIAS, DR. MANHATTAN and CHESTER are there.
OZYMANDIAS gestures at the easel, looking pensive.
OZYMANDIAS:
We'll split up into two groups. Doc, you and Laurie will fly into Afghanistan and fight the Russians there. Myself, Nite Owl and Rorschach will search for clues in the sewers of Paris.
CHESTER:
What about me? You can't leave me behind again!
NITE OWL II:
You're too young Chester. This isn't kid's stuff.
CHESTER:
But I'm not a kid any more.
CHESTER runs at a wall, getting two full paces up it before doing a back flip. He lands on his feet, and makes a complicated movement with his arms that looks martial artsy. OZYMANDIAS watches, stroking his chin.
OZYMANDIAS:
We could use the help...
DR. MANHATTAN:
Agreed. Chester will make a fine addition to our force.
DR. MANHATTAN wiggles his nose. A costume appears on CHESTER. He is now TEEN NITE OWL.
TEEN SILK SPECTRE enters and sees TEEN NITE OWL.
TEEN SILK SPECTRE:
Congratulations little brother!
SILK SPECTRE II glares at DR. MANHATTAN, who is staring at TEEN SILK SPECTRE. An erection is clearly visible in the loose gym shorts he's wearing.
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EXT. MOLOCH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
RORSCHACH comes crashing through the second story window of MOLOCH's apartment. He is immediately set upon by half a dozen police officers, who manage to take him to the ground after an intense struggle. They tear off the mask, to reveal GARY COLEMAN's face, straining with anger.
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EXT. BUSY FREEWAY - DAY
SILK SPECTRE II lands atop the moving tractor trailer with balletic grace. Behind her, DRAGO flexes his muscles. They fight, a hyperkinetic ballet of devastating punches and barely parried kicks.
CUT TO - NITE OWL II, flying ARCHIE along the highway, zooming along beneath overpasses, rubbing cars out of the way. Two bright red CYBORGS trail behind him on motorcycles, scattering bullets wildly at him.
NITE OWL II:
Time to turn and burn baby.
NITE OWL II flips the control stick, sending ARCHIE into a reverse 180. ARCHIE flies backwards, colliding with cars left and right. NITE OWL II selects missiles on his control stick and fires. Thirty missiles come arcing out of ARCHIE's vents, contrails trailing behind them. A cataclysm of explosions obliterate the two CYBORGS.
NITE OWL II:
Lock and load baby!
SILK SPECTRE II and DRAGO continue their fight. SILK SPECTRE II barely ducks an oncoming overpass, and is thrown off balance. DRAGO knocks her to the floor with a fierce punch. She lies winded, as DRAGO advances on her, murder in his eyes. Suddenly DRAGO is cut in two by a burst of machine gun fire from ARCHIE.
NITE OWL II:
Show me the beef baby!
SILK SPECTRE II springs to her feet, and runs to the back of the truck, where the KEYMAKER lies cowering. She scoops him up and jumps to the roof of ARCHIE. The tractor trailer explodes behind them.
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INT. KARNAK, OZYMANDIAS'S SECRET LAIR - DAY (Everything looks very TECHNO-EGYPTIANY, but not in a Stargate way.)
NITE OWL II:
You're a goddamned traitor, Veidt! I can't believe the master of capitalism seeks to destroy it for his red masters. Well, we won't let you get away with it.
OZYMANDIAS:
Oh really Dan? What are you going to do about it? Did you really expect me to explain my masterstroke if there was the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it 35 minutes ago.
RORSCHACH:
Not without this you didn't!
RORSCHACH holds up the real MANHATTANITE, which he had switched out on OZYMANDIAS during the deal in MIAMI.
OZYMANDIAS:
Nooooooooooooooo!
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INT. KARNAK - MAIN HALL - DAY
The two opposing forces square off across the room, the WATCHMEN on the right, the CRIMSON DISCHARGE on the left. At an unspoken signal, they engage in combat with their counterparts.
DR. MANHATTAN grapples with THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION, the pair of them rolling outside where they grow to titanic size, striding across the Antarctic landscape, exchanging helicopter kicks and ion blasts. They lock in a clench, eyes burning. Suddenly THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION breaks his grasp, twisting his opponent around. From behind, he seizes DR. MANHATTAN by his DIAPER, yanking it violently upward. A CRY emits from DR. MANHATTAN's mouth that splits the heavens. A sick grin spreads across THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION's face, as he twists the diaper in his cruel hands. Suddenly the diaper rips, freeing DR. MANHATTAN. He falls to the ground and immediately sweeps the leg, sending THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION to a distant galaxy with his mighty blow.
Proposed costume design for Nite Owl II (left) and Teen Nite Owl (right)
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INT. KARNAK - DAY
NITE OWL II and TEEN NITE OWL chase OZYMANDIAS, the walls of KARNAK crumbling around them. They round a corner only to be confronted by BUBASTIS, the genetically modified lynx. BUBASTIS pounces at the pair, who cartwheel out of the way. Cornered, NITE OWL II reaches into his belt and produces several LINKS OF SAUSAGE which he throws at the cat. They scramble past her while distracted, only to be deafened by the roar of jet exhaust. OZYMANDIAS has climbed into an his PLANE shaped like a HAMMER and SICKLE, which launches down a narrow runway into the Antarctic sky.
TEEN NITE OWL:
He got away!
NITE OWL II:
Sometimes the bad guys get away Chester.
TEEN NITE OWL:
But it's not fair!
SILK SPECTRE II enters, her costume torn in the appropriate places.
NITE OWL II:
Don't look so glum Chester. At least we won the battle.
SILK SPECTRE II:
And we got the girl.
NITE OWL II:
Oh hell yeah!
NITE OWL II and SILK SPECTRE II kiss passionately. TEEN NITE OWL looks on, embarrassed. "IN THE END" by LINKIN PARK begins playing as the credits roll.
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I don't know why, but for some reason, "machines in the background doing science" made me laugh so hard
ReplyCalling comics 'novels' is so pretentious it becomes awesome.
ReplyI've read Moore was trying to make a story that specifically COULDN'T be adapted into another medium and could only be told as a comic. if you pay close attention to the artwork, you can kinda see what he means. While the Watchmen movie wasn't great, it wasn't bad, and it was probably the best adaptation anyone could have made.
ReplyI like some of Chris Bucholz's articles, but I have no idea what he was trying to do with this one. It reads like a rough outline to a screenplay, and I couldn't find anything that even seemed like it was supposed to be funny.
ReplyAgreed. Boring and unfunny.
My friend's 16 year old daughter summed up the problem with Watchmen. She said "What's Ozymandias gonna do, fake a Manhattan attack everytime mankind gets pissy? This would bring 'world peace' for not even as long as 9/11 did. He IS a Republic Supervillain."
ReplyI said to her "That's because Alan Moore isn't as deep as his fans think he is; he's mostly just a very angry man who likes to write about popular characters doing nasty things to one another. It's about all he's ever written, only in this case he had to use fake version of characters. Good movie though, huh? It's also a great comic. Just ignore the nonsensical ending in both cases."
The alien attack in the comic made a hell of a lot more sense. Dr. Manhattan left, ALIENS ALWAYS ARE OUT TO GET US!!!!! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!
No, in the movie instead of always being vigilant towards aliens in Manhattan's absence, they were always poised in case of another attack FROM Manhattan in the movie ending. Wasn't a hard concept to grasp. Ever read any of the stuff from his own company like Tom Strong? I bet the 16 year old girl thought you were pretty f*****g interesting when you "said" that.
The alternatives made The Watchmen look like a cinematic masterpiece of Gone With The Wind proportions.
ReplyLOL
The new Fantastic Four movies also look like Citizen Kane when put beside the old one. Doesn't make them any less s**tty though.
Having read the comic and seen the film I think the film is better. The film has really good music that sets the atmosphere. The movies ending was also better then the comics ending. Making it look like it was Doctor Manhattan who attacked is better then making it look like a giant squid thing attacked.
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesAlso the mini comic in Watchmen was annoying. Talking about the kid reading the pirate comic. It was annoying because I wanted to get on with the main story because the main story was awesome and because it came of as Alan Moore trying to hard to challenge out sense of morality and stuff.
Also Alan Moore is an idiot for not liking this awesome movie.
Plus the movie is better because you don't need to read or think to enjoy it.
Profane.
I agree completely with direwolf.
I'm assuming that either you are some kind of masterful troll who is doing this for teh lulz (in which case you have earned them) or you are a complete dumbass who can go to hell for being a dumbass.
I loved the movie but it seems like you kind of missed the point of the "interruption" in the comic. It wasn't distracting from the story, it was part of it. Read it and then read the dialog in the same panel, the Black Freighter segments are exaggerating the real life situation perfectly. The guy basically says that people who work in newsstands do great during a disaster, the "Mini comic" says something about the seagulls being happy in hell. The world is hell, the media are the happy vultures (or...seagulls i suppose) feasting on the aftermath.
Actually, Alan Moore would stab him through his computer monitor, if he wanted anything to do with technology.
I agree completely about the different ending. The execution of the film was satisfactory and I thought the ending made better sense than a giant psychic squid-monster from outer space.
But if it was Doctor Manhattan - essentially, the US's superweapon - who attacked, that would have turned the USSR against the USA even more. The squid-thing makes sense because it was a completely outside threat. If it had been Dr Manhattan, the USSR's reaction wouldn't have been "Let's join forces against this guy!" but "You f**king idiots."
Oh lord, Bucholz never ceases to amaze me at how incredibly dumb he can be! It's not as if you come off as an obsessed fan of the comic because you clearly do not know what Alan Moore intended with his masterpiece. Lord, do us all a favor and rant about pirates some more.
ReplyI at least respected the way the film has tried to drag comic book movies out of kid-friendly adaptation territory. I mean, which other comic book movie would be gritty enough to show both the hacking head scene that Woozy mentioned and the prison scene where they have to cut through the huge guy's arms with a circular saw?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIn the Graphic Novel they cut through his arms with an arc welder.
LOL yeah good thing it came out BEFORE Sin City, eh?
Oh wait, it didn't, you're a complete moron.
And your definition of adult is pointless gore?
Wooh, you must think SAW is a mature movie that suits your mature tastes, amirite?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I wish I had all the spare time that guyperson has. Then I too could blatantly and badly attempt to troll everyone.
I wish no-one would ever use 'amirite' ever again for as long as you all live.
If I ever meet anyone who actually says that I might flip out and punch them in the face with a knife.
No. You are most certainly not 'right' and I'll not agree with you just because of your s**tty dialect.
I guess Rorschach killed the guy with a hatchet to show that he had broken down, that he wanted the guy to pay. He kept swinging at him burying it deeper and deeper. i thought it was excellent. I loved watch Doc blowing people to hell, seeing the guts and everything.
ReplyYea, the fact that they changed the fire to the axe wasn't really cool. But how can you expect less from the guy that directed 300? :(
ReplyThere were some nice additions, like lauries nipples. I thought that was quite tasteful.
Yeah it's like no work went into the movie at all, i bet somebody like you could make a movie way better than 300 or watchmen. When can we expect to see that? or are you uncomfortable with deadlines?
^^
duuuuuuuuur
LETS SEE YOU DO BETTER
huuuuuuuuuurrrr
The favorite debate technique of Justin Bieber fans!
Oh, what the hell! My brain is dying! What a cleverly constructed plan to indirectly kill your readers! I'm melting after going through those scripts. In a bad way.
ReplyTL DR
ReplyI just wanted to say that I think Wormdundee's response was the most perfect thing I've ever read in a comments section.
ReplyToo much ding-dong in that movie, no wonder the title is "Watch Men".
ReplyI'd actually be OK with Dr Wang Wang wearing a towel. The blue dong to boob ratio was way too high. Incidentally, it should always be 0 in my opinion.
ReplyI agree though, it really wasn't a bad movie. I actually went back and read the Novel for the first time after seeing it and was surprised at how similar some of it was.
Uh jake, that would be Captain Metropolis, not Manhattan.
ReplyI know what you mean though, the whole map thing is not at all what Ozymandias' character would have done. That really annoyed me. There was also a point near the beginning of the movie where they referred to the Crimebusters as the Watchmen a couple times.
I'm pretty sure they did that so that people wouldn't be asking, "Hey, why is this called Watchmen if there is no superhero group called the Watchmen?!??"
In general, I thought it was as good a Watchmen movie as we were going to get, but there's just some things in there that I don't understand why they changed. For example, Rorschach killing the pedophile dude with a hatchet instead of fire. I can't think of a reason why you would change that.
Because "Mad Max" already did that in Cinema to Show Exactly the Same Character Arc with Exactly the Same Outcome. People who hadn't Read the Comic would think it was a Rip-Off.
yeah it could have been worse. Although im still pissed on how they got the map burning scene emssed up. It was captain manhattan whose map was destroyed not ozymandias. That just fucked up part of the movie and by then i was already angry for paying to see it so i just wanted to shit myself from the terrible acting and personality the characters have.
Reply....ive just seen watchmen after hearing about it. ok.....if dr. manhattan was so powerful....couldnt he just grow 2 miles tall and say if the world doesnt stop its war/nuclear war he'll throw the earth into the sun or something like that. Regardless in the end he becomes mans common enemy. or am i missing something about the story?
ReplyYou are. He doesn't give a s**t about the human race after a while. And considering your name is "troll12", I probably shouldn't even respond to this. Whatever.
The Means of Production going down from a leg sweep?
ReplyIt would have been better if Dr. Manhattan split into millions of worker-sized versions of himself, armed with AKs. The only REAL way to seize the Means of Production.