Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was hailed by the Russian media yesterday as a hero, for stopping a Siberian Tiger from attacking a television crew. One always wonders when something like this happens in Russia - a country not particularly well known for having an un-biased, non-naked media - whether the whole thing was staged. Particularly seeing as the tiger was a captive one that happened to “escape” right when the Prime Minister was standing nearby with a tranquilizer rifle along with a gaggle of reporters. I don’t find it that hard to imagine the Russian government duping their own media, but then again my attitudes towards the Russians are clouded by a lifetime of watching 80’s cinema and an embarrassingly poor grasp on reality. Up until a couple years ago, I still blamed those fuckers for killing the most talented and flamboyant boxer of our generation.
Still, unless evidence shows up to prove my drunken theories, we’ll have to take the story at face value. So join me as I stand and slowly and deliberately applaud Putin’s heroic display. This also highlights the fact that though we may hear about every little scandal or peed-on-prostitute in a politicians life, we so rarely hear about times when they perform an heroic feat like this. The closest thing Americans have is the one time a couple years back when Dick Cheney bravely shot a close personal friend in the face, thinking him to be a terrorist, a duck, or both.
Let’s turn then and look at impressive feats performed by other world leaders, past and present. I was originally intending to do a whole bunch of research (reading Wikipedia counts) and tracking down real little-known facts about famous leaders. But that sounded way too much like work for me and learning for you, which is the sort of bullshit that September is all too often about. So in the end I just decided to make everything up instead. Consider it a back-to-school present.
Little-Known But Impressive Feats of World Leaders
Deng Xiaoping once kicked a medium sized dog across an entire room.
Jimmy Carter wrestled a bear during the Camp David Accords to demonstrate something to Egyptian and Israeli leaders.
Margaret Thatcher could eat over 35 hard boiled eggs in a sitting.
Jacques Chirac has the ability to tell if anyone is gay, with close to 70% accuracy.
Winston Churchill once drank 25 martinis in an evening, but still had the strength to stand on his own power and punch a woman in the face.
A committed pacifist, Mahatma Ghandi was never known to commit violence upon another person, but he was feared in the Indian battle rap scene for his devastating rhymes.
In college, George W. Bush once beat an entire lesbian softball team in a drinking contest.
During his 4 years in office, Gerald Ford peed in every single sink in the White House.
According to official records, Kim Jong Il was toilet trained from birth.
To win a bar bet, Bill Clinton once stayed married to a woman for over 30 years.
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Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
- How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding - November 18th, 2008
- Everything I need to know I learned from He-Man - November 11th, 2008
- Campaign 2008: The Year in Pictures - November 4th, 2008
- The Scouts are offering a Merit Badge in Boning - October 28th, 2008
- 10 Reasons Canadian Elections are better than your Elections - October 14th, 2008
October 12th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I did have “in Dublin” in there after “every single child”, but it delorted. T.T
October 12th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Ha, MacHaggis, you forgot the part about drinking the tears of every single child along with his whole five year old Irish child (yeah, it wasn’t really tea. Typo in all the historical documents.)
October 10th, 2008 at 12:25 am
how bout this headline- putin K.illed G.reat B.east
September 5th, 2008 at 6:56 am
What about Bill Paxman? Not only did he lead the free world in a time of crisis, he fought the war himself against an alien menace.
Not with limp wristed goddamn diplomacy either, he hopped in a fighter jet and kicked those extraterrestrial assholes back to the stars.
September 4th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
With all of this “Putin shot ____” and “Putin judo chopped ___” we never heard about Putin’s more impressive accomplishments…
Putin is a great listener, and loves to talk about feelings (true).
Putin consoled your ex-girlfriend for 15 hours over the phone after your last break up when no one else would listen (very true).
Putin brought a baby red deer back to life with his own tears and then killed the hunters/journalists with his bare hands (happened several times).
September 4th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Australian Capital Territory Chief Minister (whatever that is) Jon Stanhope once jumped out of a helicopter into a lake to rescue a drowning man. In the middle of a bushfire. I thought that was pretty rock ‘n roll.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
The thing about the DUI in the 70’s is from some comedian’s show on Comedy Central
September 4th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Did you end up doing time, Johnny? Like maybe in Fulsom prison? And were you prison raped, and left with an asshole that hurts like a ring of fire?
September 4th, 2008 at 9:59 am
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:16 am
No, no, ste ste– we pride ourselves on our encyclopedic knowledge of historical figures. If anything here is a lie, it’s that CrazyCracker has ever had sex.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:34 am
“Your facts about world leaders are not well researched and I think you made them up.”
Jeez genius, you think so? Who’da thunk it?
September 4th, 2008 at 1:20 am
Your facts about world leaders are not well researched and I think you made them up. Gerald Ford was only the President for about two and half years.
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Sara Palin once shot a fucking moose and then field dressed it right there. (True)
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Former Australia Prime Minister, Bob Hawke, back in his college days, was the guiness world record holder for drinking a yard glass full of beer in just 11 seconds.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:54 pm
W got a D.U.I in 1976, do you know how wasted you had to be to get a D.U I in the mid 70’s.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I heard George Washington had like… 40 goddamn dicks!
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:47 pm
John Quincy Adams could hammer an 8-inch nail through a split Ash log with his penis.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Yeah, it’s good to be the Kim.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Kim il Sung (Kim Jong Il’s father and former North Korean ‘Dear Leader’) used to sleep on a bed of naked women! (actually, factually true!)
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
[...] Vladimir Putin shoots a fucking tiger [...]
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I once pooped a light saber hilt with a peanut button (true)
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Richard Nixon once ran the 100M sprint in less than 10 seconds, but was disqualified from competing in the the olympics because of a little known rule about the participation of world leaders. (True!)
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Res, when you say Baby Krishna was watching….?
Did the facial expression change at all?
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Little known ancillary fact about the Garfield DickJar Campaign. His assassin was one of the “donors”. True story.
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Guess brick never has to sing ‘if I had a Hammer’ again. Damn it, crazycracker, you’re going to have to teach kids to knock. Not your kids, but kids in general. Make sure they always remember that if they don’t knock weird shit’s going to happen. Spread the message.
No one’s made a joke about shitting Poop? Too obvious?
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:13 am
Ruined the mood? Why wouldn’t it turn you on?!
Kidding.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:45 am
I once tried to have sex in the changing room of a water park, but the sounds of little kids running around kind of killed the mood.
“An heroic…” damn casnadian grammar
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 am
I once had sex in (on?) one of my city’s elementary schools’ playgrounds. But I’m not famous so I guess it doesn’t count. Sad.
(P.S. It was with my girlfriend–legal age–not with an elementary school student.)
(P.P.S. It wasn’t when school was in session.)
(P.P.P.S. Baby Krishna was watching.)
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:56 am
As long as it involves some wacky plot in which Santa has to survive jail, just so Paul Giamatti can still play the role.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:04 am
So am I the only one who thinks Fred Claus 2 is a great idea?
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Oliver Cromwell had the heart of an Irish Infant with every Breakfast and a whole 5 year old Irish Child for High Tea every day of his natural life. (True!)
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Oh yeah brick? I shit a brick once.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Yeah, well I once choked a chicken for four hours straight.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I pooped a hammer
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Why have we not had an entire article about the naked news? What is going on?!?!?!
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Big deal. I shot 3 tigers yesterday.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
My grandpa killed a porcupine with a claw hammer.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
According to recent KCNA news, Kim Jong Il’s DPRK just discovered “anti-radiation honey”!! And just in time! Now THAT’s impressive!
http://www.kcna.co.jp/item/2008/200809/news09/02.htm#15
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Kim Jong Il has many feats, impressive feats, to his name. Some say, despite the skeptics, that in the early 90’s, he completed 18 holes-in-one on a PGA level course in Pyongyang. Others say it was a modest 5 holes in one (http://www.nk-news.net/about/faq.php).
I’m guessing that if the fearless leader of your country is accumulating impressive feats, you are living in a dictatorship. Be prepared to be repressed, you bloody peasants!
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
(True)!
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
A reliable source once told me that Howard Dean rapes sharks in captivity.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
My brother stabbed me in the hand with a fork one time. He’s not a world leader, but he IS my older brother…
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I think I missed the point. Damn Cracked.com and it’s no take-backs rule!
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Stalin ordered the deaths of millions of Ukrainians and hundreds of political opponents, instilling a fear that lasted for generations! (Ha ha!)
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
why was the tiger having sex when he shot it? were there two tigers there? In which case, why didnt he shoot both?
DOB once fought crime with a machette in Rhode Island. True
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
It was revealed postmortem that William H. Taft had eaten several babies. (Double True.)
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
[...] Vladimir Putin shoots a fucking tiger [...]
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Not technically a world leader, but Sandra Day O’Connor took a bite out of Potter Stewart’s still-beating heart, as was the custom at the time for new appointees to the Supreme Court.
(True.)
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Jimmy Carter once fought off a swamp rabbit with a canoe paddle. Seriously.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
My dad once kicked a baby rabit over a pine tree and into our neighbor’s yard! (True).
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Gordon Brown used to eat coal for breakfast, and lightbulbs.
Then he would arm wrestle bears for whisky money.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
When King Farouk of Egypt was deposed they found thousand of pictures in his private library of elephants fucking. (True).
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I think Putin has officially ” jumped the shark” or tiger so to speak.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I heard President James Garfield kept a jar of human penises next to his bed to ward off evil spirits, which explains his otherwise confusing campaign slogan, “I’m Garfield, and I’ve got a Jar Filled With dicks. Put your faith in me.”
And Pol Pot was made entirely of squirrels.