Using Occupy Wall Street to Pick Up Chicks

According to some popular search engine listings I've just scoured while looking for article ideas, there are an awful lot of people out there right now who are alone and furious with bankers and interested in Asian teens. Assuming that the rest of the Internet is capable of delivering the Asian teen portion of that wishlist, I shall take it upon myself to satisfy the other two, preferably at the same time, much in the same way I could never do with Asian teens.

I guess we'd play Starcraft or something, and I blow at Starcraft.

So then, loneliness and bank-fury. Even addressing these issues one at a time is fraught with difficulties. The problems with loneliness have been well documented elsewhere on this site, and short of pooping in an ATM vestibule, few ways of expressing displeasure at a bank have been available to the bank-furious. And there certainly hasn't been any possibility of addressing both those issues at once. "I'm not getting any younger," these desperate souls would say, hating Goldman Sachs, "but where can I find time to meet my soulmate when I'm researching income inequality factoids?"

"Are those space pants? Because I can see your ass is angry at exorbitant levels of student debt."

And then the Occupy Wall Street protests came along. While protesting the greed and unfairness present in today's economy, these events have provided a fertile ground for the young, urban unprofessional to connect with available local singles for chatting, or possibly more. To find out more about the romantic potential of angry, militant dating, I decided to find a subject familiar with the protests. And, after a bit of old fashioned asking for help on a message board, I got in touch with Michelle, an Occupy Wall Street (OWS) protester, who agreed to help enlighten me on the finer points of protest dating.

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Cracked: Thanks for joining me Michelle.

Michelle: No problem. You wanted to ask a bit about what we're doing here?

C: That was what I said in my initial email, yes -- excellent reading comprehension.

M: Oh ... kay.

C: Right. I've got a list of questions here I was hoping to go through with you.

M: Sounds good.

C: So. You're angry and poor, and because of those qualities, probably pretty lonely, correct?

M: What? I'm not actually very lonely at all. I'm here with a couple friends, and there's a real sense of camaraderie amongst the other protesters here.

C: But you are single.

M: Well, yes.

C: And in your 20s.

M: Sure.

C: And you're not dead.

M: No.

C: So it's fair to say you're not actively hiding from available men?

M: This is kind of a funny-seeming interview.

C: We're kind of a funny-seeming publication. So then! You're alone and willing to meet men at a protest! Good for you.

M: I'm not actually here to meet men.

C: Why not? There are tons of single men around you. Poor, angry men. And maybe some curious tourists.

M: You understand that we're not all poor right?

C: Like the tourists? No, I get that -- New York is an expensive city to visit.

M: No, the protesters. We're only poor in the sense that we're not rich -- we're the 99% of the country which is being left behind in this economy.

C: I totally get that, and apologize for my error. Also, cops.

M: What?

C: There are cops there who could be hitting on you too.

M: -long sigh-

C: But I guess you don't like them, right? It's like a war.

M: Although I can't speak for everyone here, we're not explicitly against the police, except when their actions limit the ability for legitimate free speech.

C: Like if you're protesting and they come up and make you all wear ball gags.

M: That hasn't happened yet.

C: Because I was at a party once for a guy who was getting married and that did happen. But then it turned out the cop was a stripper. But then it turned out that the stripper had actually committed several crimes, and the police were looking for her, and her gun was real.

M: I'm not sure what this has to do with anything.

C: I guess, Michelle, that the moral of the story is that it's hard to know who to trust in life and love. And also to not look for strippers on Craigslist. And that you never know when a bachelor party is going to turn into a 14-hour hostage situation, so you'd better be comfortable going to the bathroom in front of a room full of guys if you don't want to damage your kidneys.

M: Holy shit.

C: The real cops laughed at us after it was over.

M: What does this have to do with anything?

C: I guess it's useful advice if you ever start stripping.

M: Are you even interested in what we're protesting about at all?

C: I am. Totally. Like for example: What attracts you most in another protester? Is it their clothes? Do you like well dressed protesters?

M: Is this that public image thing again? We hear that a lot. Like the media will listen to us more if we wear suits.

C: No, it's more like if a protester came up to you wearing a shirt with a clever slogan about chemistry or Alf on that, would you be impressed? Or do you like protesters with a little more of a Banana Republicly style?

M: I think I'd recommend protesters should probably dress pretty warmly. We're well into October now, and it's getting a little chilly.

C: Warm, huh? So maybe a bit like this guy?

C: Warm, and pretty dapper looking.

M: He does actually look a lot better than most people here. And he has a rocket launcher.

C: Interesting. So you like men with weapons? How do you feel about other accessories? Like having a clever protest sign, or bottled water or something?

M: Why are you so interested in the kind of men I like?

C: I'm just asking, if, as a representative of the 99%, you would be impressed if some person had thought to bring a case of water to a protest?

M: Actually a guy did hand out bottled water the other day, and he was incredibly popular.

C: Exactly. In a protest situation, it's a show of wealth, ironically enough. It's a sign of their ability to be a good provider.

M: I suppose so. It shows that you're thinking of others, and not just yourself. Like the 1% do.

C: Right! And would you say that a guy with a huge sign which says "Free Backrubs: No Fat Chicks" who then crosses out "Fat" and write "Wealthy" is someone with a sense of humor? Also unlike the 1%? Would you think he's a funny, carefree guy with soft, tender hands?

M: What are you trying to do?

C: I'm just curious what qualities you value, so that I can direct my readers to come hit on you and your fellow lady-agitators. Ladygitators.

M: What?

C: Femilitants? Is that better?

M: You're going to send creeps to come hit on us? That's disgusting!

C: Cracked readers aren't that bad. Just clammy, you know? It's the weirdest demographic, but it shows up clear as day on our webstats. 18-35, clammy people.

M: I don't care how clammy they are! If they don't care what we're here for they can stay home!

C: Would it make a difference if I could guarantee that no one reading Cracked is in the top 1% of income earners? I know a few of them may make money testing anti-clamminess drugs, but that can't be more than a few bucks.

M: ...

C: It's all day-patient stuff. Maybe a couple meals. It's nothing. They are the 99%.

M: The 99% are not clammy people.

C: Now that's a bold statement. Have you checked all the 99% for clamminess levels? That must have been harrowing.

M: Holy shit, I can't believe I'm having this conversation! You don't get what this is about at all!

C: Oh I get it. The banks have done the wrong, but got all the money anyways. The people who aren't the banks are currently away from the money, and in many cases, the jobs. The government does nothing to stop the banks and the wrongs, and even does the wrongs for the banks when the banks ask. Finally, there's something wrong with taxes and that should be different.

M: That was ... actually a pretty accurate summary.

C: I am actually very sympathetic to your cause, although it is sadly my job to dangerously misinform my clammy readers, and when possible, get them some phone numbers.

M: That cannot be your job.

C: I said the exact same thing during my interview! But seriously, I have to get these guys out there, meeting people, making connections. Breeding. Furthering their clammy race. Also mentioned in the interview! It's in our mission statement too I think.

M: And you wanted my help to do this?

C: I did. I apologize for the web of lies, although judging from your reaction, they were very necessary, as are most of my webs of lies. And you've been very helpful! Because what I'm hearing from you is that the most important step is authenticity. That when talking with women at protests, a fellow has to truly believe what they're talking about and protesting. Because women are like elephants -- they can always tell when someone is lying.

M: That's a good sentiment, but I question the depth of your knowledge about both women and elephants.

C: Depth of knowledge is actually a hindrance when providing dangerous misinformation. So then, to wrap this up: On the subject of "sealing the deal ..."

M: Ugh.

C: ... if you know what I'm talking about.

M: I do know what you're talking about.

C: Because I'm not talking about signing a contract.

M: I get that.

C: Although there is a sort of "fountain pen" involved.

M: Jesus Christ. Not a single one of your readers will be "signing" anything with me, or anyone else here.

C: Are you sure? Because I was talking about a penis.

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At that point some technical difficulties disconnected me from Michelle and I was unable to complete the interview. But I think we have enough information to get you clammy bastards started:

If you want to cruise women at an Occupy Wall Street style protest, you should be knowledgeable, well dressed, armored and come equipped with appropriate accessories. Suitable accessories include rocket propelled grenades, granola bars and possibly gloves, depending on how your condition is flaring up that day. Any conversations you strike up should be limited to the issues at hand, at least until a rapport is established, at which point you can proceed with more flirtatious behavior. And finally, during the later stages of flirtation, don't use any metaphors when discussing your penis, because they don't seem to enjoy those. Maybe put a little Guy Fawkes mask on it or something.

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For more reasons why Chris isn't fit for society, check out 10 Helpful Tips For Bending The Masses to Your Will and Cracked Interviews the Jonas Brothers.

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