Urine Attack! Set Terror Condition Yellow!
Last Friday a man burst into two supermarkets in England with a squeeze bottle full of what appeared to be urine, which he then proceeded to spray over the produce section. Authorities claim that over the preceding week the same man did something similar over food in a pub, and again in a children's book store. Gross. If you're anything like me, the mere thought of this will have completely ruined your appetite for produce, beer and children.
The accused, a Mr. Sahnoun Daifallah, was unavailable for comment, so we can only speculate as to the motives he might have had for the attack, although "Because He's Fucking Crazy" seems a likely contender. (Also possible: "Dude Really Hates Vegetables.") The primary reason I was unable to secure a quote from Mr. Daifallah is because I was too terrified to go anywhere near the man. Hell, I'm terrified of going anywhere near anything that might potentially be used to contact him - at the moment all the phones in my house are underneath an upturned garbage can in the center of the living room with a rock on top of it. A situation which my girlfriend isn't terribly happy about, if I correctly read the mewling sounds she's making about needing to call her mother and my "crazy, searching eyes." Hopefully she'll soon realize that the Chris Bucholz Homestead Security Agency is acting in her best interests, and that any threats I may have made concerning extraordinary rendition were, for the moment, playful.
Anyways, if we go back to the post-911 language we've only just finally stopped using, fruits and vegetables are what are technically referred to as "soft targets." Counter-intuitively this is not because of their relative pliability, but because of the logistical difficulties and costs inherent in securing several million grapes, bananas, et al. For the moment, keeping a Predator drone on station over every Safeway in the country will have to remain something from one of Tom Clancy's fevered dreams.
Indeed, as much as I would appreciate the security of knowing that a heavily armed robot was watching me buy food, the fact that the cost of Cheetos would rise to something like $4,500 per bag would increase my personal Cheetos budget by something like $200,000 per week. That's just not sustainable.
Which brings me, in a crazy and rambling manner, to another point: Cheetos. As it may have occurred to you by now, these delicious corn based snacks, and indeed any foodstuff in hermetically sealed packaging, are invulnerable to urine based attacks. It would only take a stock manager a couple seconds with a hose to render a bag of Cheetos good as new following an attack of this nature. Of course that is if no-one saw him, or asked any difficult questions, e.g: "You're not actually going to sell those are you?" and also "What the hell is wrong with you?" So if this episode teaches us anything, it's the extreme vulnerability of our non fast-food chain to the works of evil doers and lunatics, and makes my all-Cheetos based diet look substantially more healthy than the twin pillars of medical science and common sense would otherwise have you believe.
So to tie this all off, let me get some reader feedback: where's the most amusing place you've peed? I'll give you bonus points for making me laugh, and subtract points if I have to co-operate with the authorities in tracking you down.
My friend once bet me, during some big retreat thing at school, that I wouldn't have the balls (read as stupidity) to piss in a huge puddle in the middle of nowhere while everyone watched. I did so without any teachers noticing but I got so wrapped up in proving that I would that I forgot to inquire beforehand what it was he was betting: I won a large Big Mac meal with six nuggets and a McFlurry so it all worked out.
ReplyOn R.Kelly
ReplyInto a reindeer's mouth, while on vacation in northern Finland. This is a common practice among the Sami herdsmen there, as I later learned.
ReplyAt a petting zoo. This would have been easier had I not been a) harassed by policemen and security and b) chased round by several angry and now-pee-soaked animals. That Goat was NOT happy and appreciative for the golden shower.
ReplyMy friends and I all gathered at one friends place on the weekends. Every group had that one friend who is a total d-bag that no one really likes. He always brought Corona's to drink, (sissy) and kept them in the fridge. I carefully removed the cap on one bottle, emptied the nasty corona, peed in it until the level was even with the remaining bottles, replaced the cap and put it at the back of the fridge so it would have time to both get cold, and not be touched until he had drank all the others and gotten hammered. Said D-bag was so drunk by the time he got to it, he drank the whole thing and never, to this day knew he drank a bottle of piss.
ReplyYou're a lunatic
Under the door handles on Mercedez Benz, it was parked in front of the bar...I was going through a F$#@ rich people phase.
Replyat a bar in japan i went down the stairs peeing everywhere blindly drunk and walking up was my captain, lt and executive officer talk about bad luck ,
ReplyThere was a "spell" in my middle school years where I refused to pee in toilets and would instead pee in sinks. Not just at my own house, also at friends and even public restrooms. My shining moment was when I peed in a good friends kitchen sink while his entire family was sleeping. There were dishes involved.
ReplyYou're a terrible person.
I like your website; I will share this with friends
Reply@Marc and Gina
ReplyIt's not uncommon. People go to places like JCPenny and they'll just piss or shit in the dressing rooms. Seriously, I have had friends who work at these places and have to clean up that shit.
On that note, what the hell is wrong with you people!?
Good lord, I don't know if I'm aroused or appalled at Gina.
ReplyIn a strange city, trying to find a wedding from a wrong address, I had to go so bad I walked to the end of someone's driveway and pissed, while wearing a tuxedo. Had they looked out this one window, they would have had a sight to behold.
ReplyOkay, so this actually happened this morning.
ReplyI was at the mall and I was trying on clothes, and in the fitting room, I had to go soooooo bad because I had just downed an extra-large lemonade, so I just went in the corner and peed. :/
One time, I peed in a toilet. It was AWESOME. But I greatly prefer the blueberry and strawberry patches in the pick-it-yourself farms. (HEY - CHICKS DON'T HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS. Go write your names and gloat, you bastards! I could write my name... if I had a hose and a funnel...)
ReplyAfter a night of heavy drinking on Louisville's infamous, liver-wilting Fourth Street, I felt it a prudent idea to piss off the second floor of a parking garage onto a security guard.
ReplyHe wasn't as fond of our shared experience as I was.
Those guys were all toolbags anyways.
At an important assembly in my senior year of high school everyone pooled their assets which turned out to be like $120, a pack of gum, some erasers, I think a CD player... to pee himself.
ReplyHe did it.
The whole next week everyone had to take a hard look at themselves as they asked themselves what they'd pee themselves in school for.
Turns out, most of us would have done it for MUCH cheaper.
A friend and I were once floating in a lake in a rubber dingey and on the way back from the island we had just paddled too we were feeling a little cold so we both thought it would be a good idea to relieve ourselfs in the boat. Suffice it to say that sitting in a pool of you and your friends piss makes you feel pretty dirty and uncomfortable and only warms you up for about 14 seconds. Other than that I tend to try and pee off really high things when im drunk (bridges, cliffs, roofs, out windows etc). Oh and this other time at a house party my friend, his brother and I all had a wee out of the window of the second story spare room. The friend peed all over the window, I peed all over the window ledge and the brother actually managed to get it out and onto the patio bellow. Pissing down stairwells and getting it all over the hand rails is pretty good if you wanna be gross. Erm peed in bottles because I was too lazy to walk to the toilet... and erm... once saw someone pee on an electric fence... sometimes we have competitions to see who can pee the highest when we are drunk... and I think... yeah thats about all my urine related stories for now. Get back to you if i remember any more.
ReplyA friend of mine pissed out of the open door of a moving Hum-V limo. The limo was moving slowly down the strip in Las Vegas. You can't really blame him though; we had a bottle each of: vodka, whiskey, champagne, and tequila, and we had all drank about 15 beers each. No one on the streets even seemed to give a shit though. It was Vegas.
ReplyIn Hannah Montannas face.
ReplyI got shit-faced and pissed in my space-heater once, which I didn't realize until a few days later when I turned the thing on and the over-whelming smell of piss filled the room.
ReplyOh and while sober, I've pissed on a few friends' door-handles. Always fun.