Last Friday a man burst into two supermarkets in England with a squeeze bottle full of what appeared to be urine, which he then proceeded to spray over the produce section. Authorities claim that over the preceding week the same man did something similar over food in a pub, and again in a children’s book store. Gross. If you’re anything like me, the mere thought of this will have completely ruined your appetite for produce, beer and children.
The accused, a Mr. Sahnoun Daifallah, was unavailable for comment, so we can only speculate as to the motives he might have had for the attack, although “Because He’s Fucking Crazy” seems a likely contender. (Also possible: “Dude Really Hates Vegetables.”) The primary reason I was unable to secure a quote from Mr. Daifallah is because I was too terrified to go anywhere near the man. Hell, I’m terrified of going anywhere near anything that might potentially be used to contact him - at the moment all the phones in my house are underneath an upturned garbage can in the center of the living room with a rock on top of it. A situation which my girlfriend isn’t terribly happy about, if I correctly read the mewling sounds she’s making about needing to call her mother and my “crazy, searching eyes.” Hopefully she’ll soon realize that the Chris Bucholz Homestead Security Agency is acting in her best interests, and that any threats I may have made concerning extraordinary rendition were, for the moment, playful.
Anyways, if we go back to the post-911 language we’ve only just finally stopped using, fruits and vegetables are what are technically referred to as “soft targets.” Counter-intuitively this is not because of their relative pliability, but because of the logistical difficulties and costs inherent in securing several million grapes, bananas, et al. For the moment, keeping a Predator drone on station over every Safeway in the country will have to remain something from one of Tom Clancy’s fevered dreams.
Indeed, as much as I would appreciate the security of knowing that a heavily armed robot was watching me buy food, the fact that the cost of Cheetos would rise to something like $4,500 per bag would increase my personal Cheetos budget by something like $200,000 per week. That’s just not sustainable.
Which brings me, in a crazy and rambling manner, to another point: Cheetos. As it may have occurred to you by now, these delicious corn based snacks, and indeed any foodstuff in hermetically sealed packaging, are invulnerable to urine based attacks. It would only take a stock manager a couple seconds with a hose to render a bag of Cheetos good as new following an attack of this nature. Of course that is if no-one saw him, or asked any difficult questions, e.g: “You’re not actually going to sell those are you?” and also “What the hell is wrong with you?” So if this episode teaches us anything, it’s the extreme vulnerability of our non fast-food chain to the works of evil doers and lunatics, and makes my all-Cheetos based diet look substantially more healthy than the twin pillars of medical science and common sense would otherwise have you believe.
So to tie this all off, let me get some reader feedback: where’s the most amusing place you’ve peed? I’ll give you bonus points for making me laugh, and subtract points if I have to co-operate with the authorities in tracking you down.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 20th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Terrifying, Terrorism, Urine. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 24th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
There was a “spell” in my middle school years where I refused to pee in toilets and would instead pee in sinks. Not just at my own house, also at friends and even public restrooms. My shining moment was when I peed in a good friends kitchen sink while his entire family was sleeping. There were dishes involved.
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I like your website; I will share this with friends
July 6th, 2009 at 7:48 am
@Marc and Gina
It’s not uncommon. People go to places like JCPenny and they’ll just piss or shit in the dressing rooms. Seriously, I have had friends who work at these places and have to clean up that shit.
On that note, what the hell is wrong with you people!?
May 4th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Good lord, I don’t know if I’m aroused or appalled at Gina.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:49 pm
In a strange city, trying to find a wedding from a wrong address, I had to go so bad I walked to the end of someone’s driveway and pissed, while wearing a tuxedo. Had they looked out this one window, they would have had a sight to behold.
October 12th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Okay, so this actually happened this morning.
I was at the mall and I was trying on clothes, and in the fitting room, I had to go soooooo bad because I had just downed an extra-large lemonade, so I just went in the corner and peed. :/
September 4th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
One time, I peed in a toilet. It was AWESOME. But I greatly prefer the blueberry and strawberry patches in the pick-it-yourself farms. (HEY - CHICKS DON’T HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS. Go write your names and gloat, you bastards! I could write my name… if I had a hose and a funnel…)
September 1st, 2008 at 4:08 am
After a night of heavy drinking on Louisville’s infamous, liver-wilting Fourth Street, I felt it a prudent idea to piss off the second floor of a parking garage onto a security guard.
He wasn’t as fond of our shared experience as I was.
Those guys were all toolbags anyways.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:51 am
At an important assembly in my senior year of high school everyone pooled their assets which turned out to be like $120, a pack of gum, some erasers, I think a CD player… to pee himself.
He did it.
The whole next week everyone had to take a hard look at themselves as they asked themselves what they’d pee themselves in school for.
Turns out, most of us would have done it for MUCH cheaper.
May 26th, 2008 at 4:05 am
A friend and I were once floating in a lake in a rubber dingey and on the way back from the island we had just paddled too we were feeling a little cold so we both thought it would be a good idea to relieve ourselfs in the boat. Suffice it to say that sitting in a pool of you and your friends piss makes you feel pretty dirty and uncomfortable and only warms you up for about 14 seconds. Other than that I tend to try and pee off really high things when im drunk (bridges, cliffs, roofs, out windows etc). Oh and this other time at a house party my friend, his brother and I all had a wee out of the window of the second story spare room. The friend peed all over the window, I peed all over the window ledge and the brother actually managed to get it out and onto the patio bellow. Pissing down stairwells and getting it all over the hand rails is pretty good if you wanna be gross. Erm peed in bottles because I was too lazy to walk to the toilet… and erm… once saw someone pee on an electric fence… sometimes we have competitions to see who can pee the highest when we are drunk… and I think… yeah thats about all my urine related stories for now. Get back to you if i remember any more.
May 24th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
A friend of mine pissed out of the open door of a moving Hum-V limo. The limo was moving slowly down the strip in Las Vegas. You can’t really blame him though; we had a bottle each of: vodka, whiskey, champagne, and tequila, and we had all drank about 15 beers each. No one on the streets even seemed to give a shit though. It was Vegas.
May 24th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
In Hannah Montannas face.
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:38 am
I got shit-faced and pissed in my space-heater once, which I didn’t realize until a few days later when I turned the thing on and the over-whelming smell of piss filled the room.
Oh and while sober, I’ve pissed on a few friends’ door-handles. Always fun.
May 21st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
@ kingmonkey, Last night I actually saw a dick on TV that had gotten frostbite, pure damn scary.
Also,
I think it highly suspicious that both you and Britney Spears are both in Costa Rica right now.
Mrs.glendoor42 is going to be pissed if you and Britney have hooked up down there.
Remember, Mrs. glendoor42 has relatives in the Mosaad (Really true.).
May 21st, 2008 at 6:00 pm
So you’ve finally found a “legitimate” excuse for your all-chip diet. Congratulations!
I’m not telling any pee-related stories, but don’t worry, I won’t tell any about you either.
May 21st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Yeah, I get the feeling that Bucholz treats us Cracked.com folks like the retarded relative that people keep in the basement.
“Hey Chris how are you?”
“I doing grea… ( loud moaning and gibberish comes up from the basemant).”
“What the hell was that?!!!”
“Oh that was just poor old Uncle Harold” ” You know he’s not right. I keep him in the basement.”
“Oh yeah, I remember him. Poor Harold. So how are the Trombone Concerts going Chris?”
May 21st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
It would be nice to see a response from Chris about this outpouring (ahem…) about strange-places-i’ve-peed-in. You can always count on the cracked followers to come through with wierd/ icky/ funny true-life anecdotes!!!
Altho’ no, I have never peed in any strange places. Sorry!!!
May 21st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I once took a shit in a slushie cup and threw it off a bridge onto a busy highway. It hit a car and we ran for our lives. It was the best thing ever. I suggest it to anyone crazy enough.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:31 am
I had a friend in Jr. High who literaly had to bring extra underwear and pants cuz she peed her pants from laughing all the time. She couldn’t hold it to save her life. One time a bunch of us decided to take a girls day at the mall, because 8th grade is lame, and we spent the whole day layering on clothes and pocketing jewelery and theatre-hopping. By the end of the day I think my friend peed in at least two fitting rooms, one elevator and on the floor in a movie theatre. And since it was in the middle of the school day, there was a bunch of kids on a feild trip in the theatre and they were all horrified.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:26 am
I peed in a bottle, sealed it and sent it down the river, as if I were a castaway and my pee was my plea for rescue.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:41 am
After a big night out on the piss, so to speak, I ended up relieving myself in the fridge of a flat I shared. You can’t blame me. It was a bar fridge and was about the same size as a toilet. Anyway my flatmate was less than impressed the next morning but after we washed off a few bottles of beer he saw the funny side.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:56 am
Double-post, I know, but I have a really great pissing-tip. If you like looking at people making funny faces, just pull your pants down to your ankles (underpants, too of course) and piss like that every time you’re in a public urinal, bar, club, the open public, anywhere.
And another marvellous piss-story: Me and a friend were at a party and we got the funny idea of pissing into an empty bottle of Grolsch (dutch beer with a reclosable cap) so we filled the bottle up, resealed it and the gave it back at the bar, complainig that it was warm. The barlady said “Oh, and it’s been opened already ! Here, have a new one !” And then she put it back in the freezer, ah, we laughed till we cried.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:51 am
I used to piss into the mailbox of a school that was on my way home from where me and some friends used to get drunk. It was a school in the middle of town, lots of snotty rich kids go there. We sometimes filled the mailbox with dirt and then pissed into it, making piss-mud. I also pissed into the cellar of the Academy of Fine Arts in Düsseldorf, Germany (where I live) while there was a party going on.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:29 am
So I got up to Kingmonkey’s post and basically stopped reading… Nothing in going to top that act of bravery IMO. Being Australian I don’t know what that is in Fahrenheit either… and I don’t care. Holy crap that’s cold! (for the record I looked it up and it’s -40 to -58 in Fahrenheit, who knew -40 was exactly the same in both measurements….)
May 21st, 2008 at 3:13 am
When they wouldn’t let me out of the drunk tank I pissed all over it.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:25 am
In my step-mother’s shampoo bottle, and all over her anti-nocturnal teeth grinding mouth guards.
Yes, she deserved it.
May 21st, 2008 at 1:08 am
Inside a water dispenser. It’s so nice to see your fellow students refilling their cups
May 21st, 2008 at 12:53 am
I peed in your coke.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
So, on a church retreat back in my junior high days my buddy and I emptied a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew on the way to Leavenworth, Washington. He had to piss and a plan was hatched. There was this really annoying guy on the trip named Colton that we wanted to get back for something that has become trivial but meant the world back then. So his piss went into the bottle as did mine. We left it out once we got to the hotel knowing that Colton would surely ask for some being the lazy free-loader that he is. Unfortunately our friend Kaleb got it and we were just sadistic enough to let him drink it. A look of utter terror played across his visage as the shocking realization of what he just drank occurred to him. My friend and I practically shat a brick as the pee dribbled out of his agape mouth. To this day he won’t accept it when we offer him Mountain Dew.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Oooh I almost forgot. When I was younger, Me and a friend snuck out of our rented house in Cape Cod, Massachussetts, and found this car body shop. We were gonna joyride, but the only unlocked car was a piece of shit that wouldn’t have been a joy to ride, so I pissed all over the inside. And like 12 Pack said, it was fabric interior, and during a very hot summer. I doubt that car smelt good the next day.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
I went camping and got extremely drunk with my friends. I was at a campground, so there were campers all around in tents and RVs. I opened up a tent and pissed all over the sleeping people inside. It was on video. Thank god they didn’t find out it was me.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Made a guy friend piss on my sorority house mom’s door handle.
Pissed on the yard of every frat house.
SO college.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
i pissed on the very center of mexico, at the “el centro” monument in aguas calientes, mexico.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
About time Kingmonkey makes an appearance. I had remembered that you had said something about vacation a few weeks back but not before Mrs.glendoor42 made me call the Royal Casnadian Mounted Police. That did not go to well.
” Is this the Royal Casnadian Mounted Police?” “Yeah ,yeah I meant Canadian” Well it’s
kind of joke between me and a friend of mine.
Yeah, well he and I think it’s funny. Yeah , OK, Canada yeah I got it well, anyway that’s who I was calling about. Well he’s missing.
His name? Well its kingmonkey. I don’t know if he’s some kind of rapper or something. Hell, I don’t know what he does. Alias, yeah I guess it’s an alias.
How do I know him? I don’t, wouldn’t know him from Adam. I’ve never seen him before in my life.
How do I know he’s missing if I’ve never seen him before? Wow, that’s one hell of a piece of police work there Dudley Duright? He posts on some internet forum I go to and I haven’t seen him post for a few days and my wife has intimate relations with him and you know fuck this she can find him her own damn self and I’ll just go to the beach to get away from her.
Thanks for nothing and tell sweet Nell I said hi. Jackass.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I peed on a horse once. He deserved it.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I have no funny pee stories.
Sorry.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I nominate glendoor’s “dick-out dash” as one of the funniest.
May 20th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I peed when a really strong wind was blowing towards me!!
May 20th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
You know, this may sound rather tame coming from me, but the craziest place I peed was outdoors. To make this sound more Cracked-worthy, I´ll point out that I lived in northern Canada, and it was winter at the time. In layman´s terms, that means I peed when it was cold enough to freeze my wienie solid if I hadn´t been fast enough. I think it was about -45 or -50 degrees celsius (I don´t know what that is in Farenheit). The key is to hold on tight, expose only the tip, and have Mrs.glendoor42 breathe hotly on your wiener while you go.
Hello from Costa Rica, by the way!
May 20th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I peed on France.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I have relieved in all sorts of fun and exciting places, some of the easiest ones to accomplish are elevators (specifically all of the buttons), someone’s car–the handle is the easiest, but to be a real dick, find one with the window open.
There are different pros and cons to either leather or fabric upholstery so you’ll have to decide which is better for you. Leather won’t soak in so someone will find a stinky puddle of liquid waste as soon as they come out, however, it’s a simple clean up. With fabric you get the surprise of sitting in something wet, not knowing what it is and then having to really sniff at it–do this the night before a forecasted heatwave and you’ve basically just forced someone to sell their car.
I’ve peed in the holy water at churches (preists sometimes forget to lock up at night)–admittedly I did feel bad about that one, but then I just got drunk again and problem solved.
Not very fantastic, but wizzing on the coals of a fire will cause a rancid fog that can test any friendship. And speaking of friendship, I once got a group of people to hose down some random dick who passed out in my yard after a party. What made it fun was that I told everyone to only pee on his crotch and pants, and then we put his hand in the proverbial pot of water to trick him into thinking that he had done it himself.
Bucholz–there’s a fin in it to not notify authorities, and I’m sure all Cracked bloggers could use five bucks to further their status as Dollarmenuaires.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
i think i pissed myself in my primary school
under the desk
while my teacher to be was talking to my mum
(wed just moved and i hadnt quite been accepted yet)
May 20th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
When someone makes Bucholz afraid, you know it’s serious.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Grandma was always a real golden shower queen. Anyways, I think you can figure out where this is going…
May 20th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
At my school (University of Maryland) there’s a statue of the mascot, a turtle (well specifically a terrapin). Everyday thousands of students walk by it and rub its nose for good luck. I never quite figured out why and consider it kind of a stupid tradition. Anyways, I think you can figure out where this is going…
May 20th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Comming back from 100days-till-the-12th-grade-exams, i peed in the middle of the road and made one of my dreams come true.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Poor bastard.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I pissed on the handle of a cop car at Saint Patrick’s Day, not to mention on several notable and historic statues in Savannah. The bird girl? The bench from Forrest Gump? Yeah, I’ve pissed on those.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
This got me kicked out of the Navy. When I was stationed at the Naval Sub Base in Groton, CT, me and a few friends went to the local casino (can’t remember it’s name). I got really shitty after a few (12 or 13) shots of Jack Daniels and I relieved myself on the leg of the blackjack table where my friend was playing. I was ejected and the video tape was used as evidence against me in a Captain’s Mast. They tried to take it to court martial, but fortunately my Command Master Chief thought it was hilarious and stood up for me. I still got an Other Than Honorable discharge though (which makes it hell to secure a job. I haven’t worked legitimately for over 2 years).
May 20th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I peed on a Church of Scientology.
Let me rephrase that. Once, I drunkenly stumbled a half a mile to purposefully pee on a Church of Scientology.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:41 am
[...] Last Friday, a man burst into two supermarkets in England with a squeeze bottle full of what appeared to be urine, which he then proceeded to spray over the produce section. [...]
May 20th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I was peeing down some alley during Mardi Gras in New Orleans (Cause they ain’t no place pee at Mardi Gras, that is a real song I believe) and heard some Justin Wilson sound alike scream at me.
“Hey boy! you know you is pissing on a four hundred year old church?” I said “Sorry” and started pissing on the other side of the alley.
Then the cajun voice screamed ” Dat mean stop pissing, not to piss somewheres else.”
Then I said “What the fuck is to you?” and I turn around saw that it was a really pissed off looking cop coming right for me and I manage to do the fastest hundred yard dash with my dick out on record and escaped and evavded the police. I never pissed on a church again though .
May 20th, 2008 at 10:29 am
When I was like 12 me and a couple of kids used to pee into our Super Soakers and fill the rest with gross creek water then attack and spray the shit out of this annoying turd Andy. Ahh memories.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I once peed in a cup in the middle of a crowd at a rock festival, then, at the request/dare of the girls in front of me I hurled it a few rows ahead of me.
It smacked some guy in the back of the head, at which he did this hilarious slow-motion agonising turnaround. It was almost poetic in its beauty.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Once upon a time I bled the weasel on the local Historical Society building.
The end.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:15 am
It was a cold and wintery night in New England. Me and some of my schoolyard chums had taken to the snowy fields to play flashlight tag. One of these chums got fiesty with me and we had a wrastle. When my noble brother pulled me from the fight, I ran to the balcony of my friend’s house and relieved myself on top of my opponent’s head. Needless to say, the bastard was very displeased.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Peed on the door handels of neighbors RV every night i got drunk cuz he was a douche and tried to call the cops on us for not cutting the lawn for 3 weeks. Also pissed all over his riding mover when he left it out one night.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:59 am
I use to pee on the door handels of a middle school.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:09 am
On the side of the I-75 in Michigan on the way to see Kid Rock. As the lone female, I was at a disadvantage. Guys can piss anywhere. I had to hide behind shrubbery and bring TP.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:27 am
RAUNCH.
I once let fly under a picnic table at a 50+ person family reunion. Not my family. And I made a point of missing all the food.