I recently took a five-day trip to New York City, which you may remember from the news as the place where all the things happen, or as the setting for the gay prostitution film Midnight Cowboy.
And during my time in that greatest of cities, my only safety concerns involved getting mugged, a homeless Dustin Hoffman trying to befriend me, and being in the same quadrant of the United States as Gladstone.
Never once did it occur to me to shield my genitals at all times from a vast miasma of air-borne junk diseases. What a fool I was.
The linked study has found that a full quarter of NYC residents have Herpes. Not STD’s in general; just Herpes. They tried to run a study on how many people had Gonorrhea and Crabs, but renting warehouses large enough to accommodate the corresponding bar charts became cost prohibitive.
And so it seems the myth of the chic New York socialite sipping champagne as their limousine deftly navigates a grid of steamy Manhattan streets en route to a penthouse cocktail party has been shattered. Or at least become swollen, red and itchy.
Now all that “I heart New York” merchandise I bought has taken on a seedy, unclean feel, as if I should have worn condoms on my hands while purchasing them. Which is to say, I’m glad I did.
Even my memories of the trip have been tarnished. For example, while in New York we met and hung out with the members of Poykpac, a Brooklyn-based sketch troupe, and had what I thought at the time was a blast.
We went to bars, saw their place, laughed, hugged, brought our various packages into close proximity; it was a true bonding experience.
But now that I know that statistically, at least 1.5 of them had Herpes, the whole thing just makes me queasy. Especially when I think about the time when Maggie, completely unprompted, swore that she didn’t have Herpes right before jumping into the group bathtub.
Now all I’m trying to figure out is if one of them had a half-case of Herpes, or if someone was hiding the fact that they were actually half a person.
Half a person with raw, blistered privates that is. Although between you and me, my money’s on Maggie’s Herpes being so raging that they qualified as a set and a half.
So if you’re planning a trip to New York, be forewarned: about a quarter of the massive throng of people smearing their bodies against yours every time you try to walk anywhere downtown could very well fire off “a crusty yellow discharge” at any time.
I recommend gloves and goggles.
Get on this, New York. You may have cleaned up Times Square, but I’m still not bringing my kids there as long as I know the Statue of Liberty grimaces in pain whenever she pees.
For that matter, I’m not even having kids until cyborg technology has some more major breakthroughs. But that’s a post for another day.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael volunteers on the Public Health Advisory Board as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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June 16th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Cheese is good, but I kinda gotta go with glenmoor42 on this one; killer cheese sounds a little… fatal for my taste.
June 15th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
fucking hilarious. times like these make me glad I live in kentucky. I’ll take botard cousin jim with the green buckteeth over The Herpes any day.
June 15th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I did not know you were a cheese lover Mr. Swaim. Next time you come through let me know, I’ll give you the name of the lady that does all my Mozzarella.
June 15th, 2008 at 6:31 am
The country going to hell, first for real killer tomatoes and now you say they have killer cheese?
What the hell is next, killer fucking bacon? I don’t think I could handle that.
June 15th, 2008 at 2:58 am
No, but I went to a killer cheese shop in Williamsburg.
June 15th, 2008 at 2:24 am
You hung out with Poykpac? You must have been in my area! Did you go to the Potion Coffee shop? We might have been in the same building together!
June 14th, 2008 at 10:50 am
She is fat! And I ever saw her profile at a big people dating site named ” P l u s M e e t . c o m “______, where many big boob women, big booty women and their admirers meet and seek fun&more together. I s she trying to find some dating there? So curious……………
June 13th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Guilty as charged. It was a fat chick, and I thought the yellow discharge was just her sweating some puddying. But now I can ride horses on the beach, so it’s not that bad of a deal really.
June 13th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
“70% of all people got herpes when their partner had no signs or symptoms of an outbreak” - Valtrex comercial
What the hell about the other 30%?
June 13th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Miko, no national average is around 18 percent. Still impressive though.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Can you get cyber-herpes?????
http://www.fakebuddy.com
June 13th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Seems more and more men have sexual drive for sexy big curvy women and they are addicted to hot dating club @___PlusMeet.c o m____, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys mingle and seek fun&romance together. Hi guys, is that true?
June 13th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
@ Gladstone , yeah I remember reading about that in the paper. The big fight with the Herpes gang. Their leader Du-Plex and his sidekick Sim-Plex. Weren’t they in league with Jock Itch Bill O’ Reilly?
June 13th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Only 25%? I’m pretty sure that’s way below the national average.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Eric,
Rhode Island was riddled with herpes until Mace and Machete cleaned the place up.
June 13th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Boy, nothing like herpes to bring out the torrents of comments.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:24 am
New York City is great, regardless of the fact that the herpes virus, enormous rats, and transients roam the streets at night. It may seem like that’s a dangerous place to be, but the herps, rats, and hobos are only their to protect you from the more dangerous politicians, and lawyers that used to call this forgotten wasteland home.
June 13th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Puddying sounds like the hentai sound effect for fat person sex. PUDD-OYING!
NYC seems a whole lot of iffy on the sex front, I mean it’s the only place in the world where you can buy bagels and fake Rolexs, see some major landmarks and have your picture taken with a 6 foot 4 black transexual, all in the same street.
Maybe the city never sleeps because everyone is up all night squatting over their bathroom mrrors applying ointments and shampooing themselves, and using their tiny medicated combs.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
This post was hysterical. Having said that, as someone who lives in nyc, I am not completely grossed out, disturbed and paranoid. Thank you.
http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/
June 12th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Dude, you didn’t go to Bushwick, did you? Dear God, get to a chemical shower immediately. Living in Bushwick is basically like living in a bathroom (it’s true, it said so in a New York Times article). Now, if you went to Williamsburg, you might be safe…though you could’ve caught artfag pretention, so watch out. I’m one to talk, really, but being from Greenpoint, all I risk is catching pretensjonalny, which doesn’t even come with the shot of Evan Williams.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Looks left and looks right ….and she doesn’t have herpes either.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I like fat bitches, dates several and married one…… not ……. so …..fat …. not….bitch,
OH HI DEAR HOW WAS YOUR DAY?, THAT? … THAT’S NOTHING!
gotta go!!!
June 12th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I’ll show you puddying, Onodera; I’ll show you puddying aaaalll night long!
June 12th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Swaim ain’t having children till cyborg technology develops.
I ain’t getting tail till cybnetics evolve.
Put those two together and bingo, i’ll bone Swaims daughter.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
What’s puddying?
June 12th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
No, nobody likes fat bitches. Go drown yourself in puddying you ugly fat ass!
June 12th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
As I know, more and more men have sexual drive for sexy bif beauties at ___PlusMeet.c o m__, whhere many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together. Hi guys, do u agree?
June 12th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
NYC is great. It’s like a bowl of nuts at a bar. As long as you don’t put any in your mouth, you can avoid the communicable diseases. But you should definately wear condums on your hands. The streets are slick with yellow discharge.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I LOOOOOVE Micheal Swaim!!!
June 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
why did you do three pictures of maggie?!? Why not some of Taige or Jen, or definately Ryan Hunter….
I LOOOOOVVEE Poykpac!!!
June 12th, 2008 at 11:34 am
“…fire off “a crusty yellow discharge…” almost made me vomit…
Gross, Swaim, truely disgusting.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:14 am
My pizza is extra-delicious now, Swaim. Thanks a lot for that.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Herpes aren’t so bad. At least when you get them you can get prescribed Valtrex and go horseback riding on the beach, which we all know is impossible pre-herpes
June 12th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I’ve always wanted to go to new york. Now not so much. What do you think the ratio is for herpes in Connecticut, or Rhode Island?
June 12th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Hey, do you still have a profile on ‘Ric hkiss.co m’? I saw it days ago. And there were many nice pics of you. I love them. Are you still there?