I sat in my new office and smiled when Cracked.com’s Head editor, Jack O’Brien, walked in.
“Well,” I said. “If it isn’t ‘Don’t Step on the Jack Or You’ll Break Your Mamma’s Jack.’”
“Wow.”
“I know. Long one, right?”
“Yeah. Hardly seems worth it to me. Also, don’t call me that.”
“Whatever you say, Boss.”
Today, it was important for me to be polite, to call him ‘boss’ and to generally not do the kinds of things I usually did to Jack, (the name-calling, the spitting, the robbing. I threatened him with a fork once.). Today, I needed to get on Jack’s good side. Today, I needed a favor. A big favor. But how would I subtly and slyly let him know?
“I need a big favor,” I yelled slyly. Classic.
“I’m gonna go right ahead and say ‘no’ before you even ask me for whatever it is you need.” I reached for my fork.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little hasty, Jack?” He reconsidered. The one’s who fear forks often do.
“We have a problem, Boss. Cracked has a problem. I think we’ve made some enemies. Some enemies who want us gone. Out of the way.” To get more comfortable, I started loosening my tie. “Now, I’m not totally surprised at the recent enemy surge; we’re a super huge website and I guess a few enemies come with the cost of fame. Hey, no one said this would be easy, right?” To get more comfortable, I started unbuckling my belt. “‘Easy,’ now there’s a tricky word for you. Let’s think about what that word means for a second. Let’s break it down, shall we? See, the Romans believed that ‘Easy’ was a-”
“Dan, what the hell are you talking about,” he said, interrupting me like a big, stupid jackass. He was getting impatient, (more jackass-like behavior), so I decided to cut right to the point.
“There’s this doofy, little website that’s trying to intimidate us, Boss. They want us gone. They want to muscle us off the internet. They think they’re better than us, Boss.”
“What’s the site?”
“Some Mom-and-Pop piece of shit called ‘Google.’ I’d never even heard of them before, I had to Lycos the name just to find out. It seems they’re a search module of some kind.” Jack just kept staring at me, probably shocked at the audacity of this lameass, dipshit website for jerks. I continued. “Now, Boss, it’s important to let these dicks know that Cracked will not be bullied. We need to send a message that sends these dicks right back home to Dicksburg, Dickslyvania, crying to their dick-Mommies with their dicks hangin’ outta their dicks.” I don’t really know anything about human anatomy.
“Google, Dan? What exactly is Google doing to bully us?”
“I’m glad you asked. I have here with me a series of pictures that prove Google thinks they’re better than us. You see, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, the Cracked offices are located in this big building, right? This building happens to be the exact same building that these Google fools, (”foogles”) decided to move into. Here, take a look at these pictures.” I handed him a stack of photographs.
“Well, already I hate this. The first picture is a naked one of you.”
“Oh, yeah, you can go ahead and keep that; I’ve got, like, a million. I’m using them as business cards.”
“There’s no contact number or email,” Jack said.
“More like cocktact number, am I right?” And email-genitalia, right gang? “But seriously, Boss, keep checking out the pictures.”
“See, now here’s what the Cracked headquarters looks like:”
This is seriously my office.
“And here’s what the fucking Google headquarters looks like:”
What’s a matter, Dicks? You couldn’t just write ‘Google’ once? Dicks!?!
Google has two floors.So did the Nazi’s.
“I’m not sure I see what the problem is,” Jack said. Poor, simple Jack.
“I think it’s pretty clear. They think they’re better than us. They’ve got all their flash and flair, and they think that it makes them a superior website. Let me ask you something, when was the last time Google hit the front page of Digg? Fucking never. So what gives them the right? They think they can come into our building with their fancy logos and their stupid displays with stupid multi-colored balls? They think they can get away with that?”
Google: Balls on the outside, Dicks on the inside.
“Well, I’m gonna let them know that they’re not the only ones with giant, multi-colored balls.” I showed Jack my business card again. He cringed.
“Dan… It seems to me like they’re not really doing anything. It kind of sounds like you’re just mad that they’ve got nicer stuff than we do.”
“It’s the flaunting, Secret World of Alex Jack. That’s my problem. Sure, they’ve got money, but they don’t have to be such dicks about it. We get it. You’re Google. Fuck off.”
“Dan, as if this whole situation wasn’t ridiculous enough already, what are you asking for?”
“Good question. $160,000. My original budget was a billion, but I managed to whittle it down to 160K, which, I think you’ll agree, is fair. And while I’m still willing to go as high as a billion, $160K is really all I’ll need to launch a full-scale attack on Google.whatever to let them know that we won’t be bullied.” He paused. Presumably, because $160,000 was such a fair and reasonable number.
“What are you planning on doing with this money?”
“Another good question. No clue. I haven’t really figured out the nature of this attack just yet, but I’m pretty sure it’ll cost around $160,000. I’m thinking about challenging them to a Death Race, like in that documentary I saw. Or maybe a debate, like in debate clubs. Or maybe just a caged debate, like in Bloodsport. It all makes perfect sense if you see my charts. I have charts at home that explain everything.”
I hope he won’t ask to see them, because I really don’t have any charts.
“So, let me get this straight, Dan. You’re asking me for $160,000 to launch a mysterious campaign against Google? Google?”
“Yes! I’m glad you understand. I only take cash. Come on, I’ll follow you to the bank.” Jack put his head down.
“I can’t believe I thought this wasn’t going to be something retarded.” He was massaging his temples at this point.
“Is that a vague way of saying you’ll give me the money? Come on, I’ll follow you to the bank.”
“I’m not going to give you this money, Dan.” I’m still gonna follow him to the bank.
“I don’t understand, Boss. I’m slapping you right in the face with the idea of the century, and all you can say is ’stop slapping me?’” I slapped him a couple of times to drive the metaphor home.
“You’re a real piece of work, Burt Jackarach. You come all the way out to my office and waste my time just to tell me you won’t be supporting me on this? On this, the most important battle in Cracked history? Horseshit.”
“First of all, this isn’t your office, it’s a strip club.” I was wondering why my secretary took such terrible dictation. And kept charging me for lapdances. “And second of all, I only met with you in the first place because you promised you’d return my cat, the one you stole two weeks ago. Do you have my cat with you, Dan?”
“Don’t be selfish, Apple Jacks. There are bigger things at work here than you and me.”
“Where is my cat?” I shook my head.
“You just don’t get it, do you?” I think I sold his cat and used the money to buy Cheez-its.
When it became clear that he wasn’t going to get his stupid, nerdy cat back, Jack politely thanked the strippers and left, walking out not just on me, not just on the strippers, not just on the bill, (that I was totally banking on him paying), but on Cracked and, hell, on America.
And so it’s down to me. The burden of honor falls on my shoulders. It is up to me to take down the apparent internet juggernaut that is Google.net, (or is it .com? I don’t have time to check.). I may not have the necessary funds or the support of my suit-wearing Cracked superiors, or even a formal plan, but mark my words, Internet: Google is going down. This isn’t over. Not by a long shot. A fucking long shot.
Google is probably going to push back, to counter my attacks in some way. I’ve gotta tell you, that wouldn’t be wise.
Sure, I know what you’re thinking, Google. You’re thinking ‘Did he get fired from Cracked, or not?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But seeing as Cracked does have the power to blow your site clean off the internet, you gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Am I feeling lucky?’ Well? Are ya?
Bitch?
This entry was posted on Friday, August 8th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Cheez-its, DOB is Spider-Man, Google, Jack O'Brien Hates America, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 15th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
One of the funniest I’ve read in a while.
June 9th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I absolutely loved this.
Especially the “Secret World of Alex Jack” hahah.
June 9th, 2009 at 7:49 am
I must now send a message to Google challenging them to a death race.
Without the death.
And on go-karts.
With my N64.
Yeah, that’ll show ‘em.
May 12th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I just love the part w/ the forks
April 27th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
There is so much funny in this article, but the last four sentences OWN.
February 10th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
The nicknames are what get me every time.
February 10th, 2009 at 12:07 am
DOB you look sexy in black lace panties & stiletto’s.
You even shaved your legs. How adorable.
January 17th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
We will destroy you
January 8th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Go get them!!!
Colorado Fastpitch Softball
http://www.softballnews.net
December 23rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Awesome. Kick them in the balls
November 7th, 2008 at 5:11 am
You totally made a Secret Life of Alex Mack reference! I think I love you.
October 1st, 2008 at 5:08 pm
We coming…
September 26th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Don’t make us come downstairs.
September 11th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Is it weird that I found this article on Google? Irony.
August 30th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Dammit. Last.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:22 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
August 21st, 2008 at 7:20 pm
srsly, guise. Last.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:46 am
I agree with Shana.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Nope
August 19th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Last. Fo’ realio this time.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:53 am
“Daniel O’Brien Says:
August 8th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Yeah, but did you see my phone? I have a phone now”
Yes, but remember Dan with a great phone comes great responsibility. Like you got to answer it and shit.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:42 am
You think?
August 16th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Ok, now last.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
[...] plunge into the shit swamp, and our office had to be moved to a new building, a building shared by some dumb fucking jerk website for fatheads. [Sidebar: Hey, Google, we're getting Baja Fresh for lunch tomorrow. That shit is catered, you [...]
August 14th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
this article is a work of ART!!!!
August 14th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Name buddies?
August 14th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Fuck google. CRACKED FOREVER, BITCH! oh yeah, i want some of your cheez-its, dan. Oh, and i have same name as you. so surrender it to me, cause its mine, bitch.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:48 am
HAHAHAHA That whole conversation is hilarious . . . Good stuff.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=5
August 12th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
“Spare me your space age techno babble Attilla the Hun.”
August 12th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Well done, as usual! ROFL!
August 12th, 2008 at 6:22 am
damn it *ment
August 12th, 2008 at 6:21 am
It’s a shame though. I loved the Eddie blogs but SOMEBODY had to move and break up one of my favorite bands and THEN delete the myspace page. Damn it Dan do you ever consider my feelings?! I thought that one time that we met for about 4 seconds met something to you! Now that I think about it I didn’t even know who you where at the time. But nevertheless you broke my heart.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:13 am
DOB, you rock my socks man! Cheers!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Dude, thats not even Google’s headquarters. Their headquarters is near San Jose. They flaunt all that just for a REMOTE office.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I like your style, DOB. You remind me of a young me, not much younger mind you, perhaps even a couple years older.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
DOB-you definitely are the man! Thanks for making me laugh
August 11th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I wonder how much time he spent reading this page before coming to that conclusion…
Who’s boring NOW?
August 11th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Yes it is, Frank, and you’re welcome to join us.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
This message board is a clique
full of frigging bores!!!!
August 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
DOB with his cheez-its eating and cat stealing, pattern or no…good times are had.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:32 am
“I know that monkey! His name is Donkey!”
“Monkeys aren’t Donkeys, quit messing with my head!”
Sorry, I’m hanging in there with the Futurama quotes…
August 11th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Heh. Kelsey Grammar.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Uh-oh. Langwidge puleese on the pral? Did u no that speling is eevin mour uv n indickashun of inteliginse then grammer; An I dunnot meen that men whu wus in Frashier.
August 11th, 2008 at 6:19 am
We can do it, really it wouldn’t be hard
August 11th, 2008 at 5:47 am
I’z be afterz yur blud. Lolz, grammr nziii.
August 10th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Hey Everybody, DP13 said last goddammit!!!!!
August 10th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
oh and kingmonkey +1, I am working on your project, but if its ok with you can I change the second line (from MF to BA)? And do you want me to record the vocals? I have a really expensive mic and a great voice for what you want.
sorry Im not responding by email, but my mom saw it first, freaked out (she had no idea what it was about or who it was from) and deleted it.
August 10th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
I said, LAST.
August 10th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Ross, what about a hail of gunfire from LOLCATS?
And I’m pretty sure stabbing someone in the eye or the nutsack with a plastic fork would be effective.
August 10th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
selling a cat for cheez-its is nothing, DOB. this one time i put my roommate’s cat in the dryer in exchange for an economy-size sack of gummi bears. true story
August 10th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Last.
August 10th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Nicely done. I think Google sucks, because they have such a wide database it takes me for-fucking-ever to find the stuff I need to research.
You should make Google listen to all the Miley Cyrus songs they have in the database.. wahahaaa
I hate that bitch.. no, really, I do.
August 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
“You sure do a real good imitation of a pig boy, but can you quack like a duck?”
August 10th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
“I’m Dead!”
-In response to the question “Where have you gone Joe Dimaggio?”
August 10th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Dan,
I just have one word to say to you…
Plastics!
Except when it comes to forks.
You can’t stab someone effectively with
a plastic fork.
August 10th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Until you die in a hail of bullets from illiterate inner-city gang members.
“We want speak what way we want homez!”
August 10th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Yes! Finally, someone else who cares about grammar! You and I Pat, will change the world. The world of bad grammar and punctuation that is!
August 10th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
“Google” is the snoring sound I make
when I am sleeping.
Signed,
The Gimp, who is being brought out.
August 10th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
After years of ponderous thought,
I’ve come to the conclusion that loneliness is
not a crime.
….but stalking is.
August 10th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
“Daddy Bender, Can we have have bender burgers again tonight?”
“No, the cat shelter is on to me.”
August 10th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I’ve seen Dan’s balls….he aint kiddin…large and multi-colored
August 10th, 2008 at 11:40 am
HAHAHA!!! Kickass article.
More, please.
August 10th, 2008 at 10:42 am
“Don’t you think you’re being a little hasty, Jack?” He reconsidered. The one’s who fear forks often do.
hasty, Jack?” He reconsidered. The one’s who fear forks often do.
reconsidered. The one’s who fear forks often do.
The one’s who
one’s
No apostrophe needs to be there.
August 10th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I don’t know who John Cheese is, and I don’t care.
August 10th, 2008 at 4:47 am
why do all of DOB’s posts remind me of John Cheese?
what a rip-off
August 10th, 2008 at 4:08 am
I was going to say that “Secret World of Alex Jack” was my favourite JOB name ever, but unfortunately, Dan, you’ve been upstaged by CodyCastor. “Mary Mack, dressed in black, silver buttons down her Jack” is just brilliant.
‘“Well, I’m gonna let them know that they’re not the only ones with giant, multi-colored balls.” I showed Jack my business card again. He cringed.’ was brilliant though.
PS.
“I am the man with no name; Zapp Brannigan.”
“Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.”
“In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.”
“When I’m in command, every mission’s a suicide mission!”
“We’re all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, and some of you are black. You’re brown. And you’re silver. But I don’t care if your skin’s red, or tan, or Chinese. You’re all going to have to learn to die together.”
“What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?”
“It was almost the perfect crime. But you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock…and scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.”
“She’s built like a steakhouse but she handles like a bistro.”
August 10th, 2008 at 3:16 am
Maybe you can get them to agree to a chair race down the corridor. Beat them with… manly calves…
Just remember to bring your flamethrower for that extra “boost.”
August 10th, 2008 at 12:14 am
I think we could all benifet from a little futurama in our lives.
August 9th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
FUCK FUCK FUCK(x3) YES!!!!!!!!! What I miss from the days of PWoT, the fucking badass non-lists!
August 9th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Kudos!
My business cards are very similar in concept to yours!
There is one slight difference.
On my Business card, I am completly naked,
but there is also an anatomically correct life like bent
over mannequin of Singer Kenny Rogers,
and industrial size container of lard!
August 9th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
That is where you would be wrong Panzer, Google isn’t a word (well, wasn’t anyways) googol and googolplex on the otherhand were and are.
August 9th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Sorry to piss on the Google isn’t a word bonfire but it means number with 1,000,000 or more digits.
August 9th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Im so glad you finally used Jumpin Jack Flash!
August 9th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Google isn’t even a word. It’s a noise I make to get my kid to laugh. And my lead pipe kinda hurts.
Goddamn I love Futurama.
August 9th, 2008 at 11:40 am
You should challenge GooGle at sucking….cause they will surely fail ..
August 9th, 2008 at 7:33 am
I wouldnt be challenging Google. One day Google is going to rule the world you know.
JT
http://www.FireMe.To/udi
August 9th, 2008 at 6:53 am
Nice
August 9th, 2008 at 3:55 am
With bullet proof ideas like this, you could very easily be the next president.
August 9th, 2008 at 3:13 am
Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
But seriously, I will donate to the “Screw Google” campaign. I am tired of seeing their awesome offices with their open spaces and good lighting and whimsical design and unicorns pooping sunshine.
I have a cookie recipe that is fattening to the point of potential fatality.
I’m just saying.
August 9th, 2008 at 3:07 am
No, that’s called writing what you know and apparently you are a godamn cat thief and a fucking cheez-it addict ( can’t blame you there, about the cheez-its)
August 9th, 2008 at 2:58 am
Shana, I’m gonna say 99% of these folks will never know what you’re talking about.
[Is it still plagiarism if it's me?]
August 9th, 2008 at 2:57 am
Shotgun Movie Rights. Seriously, can i have permission to make this into the greatest youtube movie ever?
August 9th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Did you Yahoo! Lycos so you can find Google?
August 9th, 2008 at 2:27 am
I’m switching to Live.com for search.
August 9th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Cracked is one of the top websites ever created!
August 9th, 2008 at 1:54 am
I see a pattern. I recal you stealing “Smooth” Eddie’s cat and eating all his cheez-its.
August 9th, 2008 at 1:46 am
Bring back week in Douchebaggery, this site blows.
August 9th, 2008 at 1:22 am
You need to Lycos bomb Google. Have it so that a search for homo will return their lame website.
August 9th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Awesome. It’s nice to see Google get some stick - funny stick at that.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
After careful consideration I’ve decided to side with you on this; Google is shifty bunch, I don’t trust them. I think they’re also on to the fact that I gained sentience through wikipedia…
August 8th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
“I had to Lycos the name just to find out”
Brilliant
August 8th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
I listen to “Prairie Home Companion,” too!
You know why you’ll take down Google? Because you have the balls to hold meetings in strip clubs. You think *outside* the box, baby.
The next step: have a meeting in a strip club with MALE dancers. That would REALLY stir the pot.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
One of the funniest cracked blogs ever!
August 8th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
David Wong belongs over in the forums, I think. I don’t think he’s allowed over here since… the incident.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
So ur the guy that sold me the friggin cat in the strip club…I had to kill it and feed it to penguins cos it shat all over my closet/apartment…Sorry Jack…
Great blog though DOB…always love your work
August 8th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
THere are two words I have not seen on this website in some time, they are - DAVID WONG.
anyone else?
August 8th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I must admit that every blog of yours that features Jack O’Brien is always really freakin awesome. Do you just walk around with a notepad all day in case you think up a ridiculous ‘name’ including Jack in it? Cause I Refuse to believe that you think them all up while writing!
In other news. Take those fuckers down! You have my support. Not financial support but more moral support that I probably won’t voice again after this post. Good luck!
August 8th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
i feel that calvin_crack is a bit confused. its google that were going after. not gogle.
August 8th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
The Article is great…but you can not, will not, beat Google….EVER!
August 8th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
This article is really hilarious, keep up the good work and TAKE THAT SOMOFOBITCH GOGLE DOWN
August 8th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
About 7 months ago I had a small gathering in my apartment. Nothing major, 20 or 30 people, a keg of Killian’s. Everything was going well until near the end of the night I noticed that motherfucker Google slipping out of my bedroom with a suspect grin on his face. I didn’t know Google very well– seen him around a few times, we knew a lot of the same people. Anyways, I shot into my room to see if that taint had stolen or broken something, so that I could serve up some justice before he had a chance to escape. During my search, I found that nothing was missing or broken. The conniving grin on Google’s face was instead a result of the fact that he had shat in my closet and deposited a snail trail in the center of my pillow. I reached into my drawer for my spork(you should give them a shot–they’re duller and therefore hurt more) and rushed out to the living room only to find that he had already fled. In summary, you should be persistent in your efforts to obtain money from Mary Mack, dressed in black, silver buttons down her Jack, as it is past time for Google to suffer.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Did you just make a reference to The Secret World of Alex Mack? …Yes, yes you did. I love you.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Resistance is futile.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Those snide google sumbitches, we are’nt gonna take their shit sitting down anymore. Nope, I’m standing up now.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Dan is definitely my favourite Cracked writer, and a pretty badass author too.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
You’re pretty funny guy…
I love the Guy Noir-esque narration (ex: I yelled slyly), for anyone else out there who actually listens to Prairie Home Companion. Loved it.
August 8th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Brilliant… absolutely brilliant…
August 8th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
+”If there’s an alien race I can’t kill I haven’t found it and killed it yet.”
+”Name?”
“Uh, Smith. Zap Smith… Brannigan.”
August 8th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
“Baby it’ll blow your mind.”
August 8th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I think Zap (Zapp?) Brannigan is probably my favorite character that show. I like the Amazon planet episode, when Kif freaks out about “Death by Snu Snu,” and Zap goes “What are you, gay?”
August 8th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
If we’re throwing Brannigan quotes into it:
Zap: “stop EXPLODING YOU COWARDS!!”
August 8th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
pure comedy gold !!!
See Wayne, this is how you do it. You friggin hack !!!
August 8th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Zap: “Also, they said you guys look like dorks!”
Bender: “THEY look like dorks!!”
August 8th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
DOB, that was hell-arious, my gf still thinks I was giggling at the tv. But seriously, take the Ambien before bed, not before work. The side-effects are getting weird.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
@ KylePB
Regarding yogurt in a cap:
Fry: “It used to be milk but, time makes fools of us all.”
I don’t think that had a point, I just like quoting Futurama.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
You could take google. I hear that after buying all of those fancy display balls, they only had enough money in the budget for spoons.
Hang on to that fork man. It could be the one thing that saves you from a dark and excruciatingly painful end.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
You know why I like DOB? I’ve been reading his blogs for a while now, and I just figured it out. His articles remind me of Fry from Futurama.
Especially when he says things like “lameass, dipshit website for jerks.” There was another article a couple weeks ago (I can’t remember which one) where he said “Time makes fools of us all.” That’s actually right out of an episode of Futurama.
… although probably not originally…
August 8th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Hey Dan,
Good luck in your fight!!
If you need another soldier in the fight
let me know! My weapon of choice?
Commodore 64.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I appreciated that, Gladstone - very funny.
And thanks, DOB, for not hating me for being such a weirdo about grammar.
I don’t think I’m necessarily a douchebag for pointing these things out; my post was rather self-deprecating even as I pointed out the mistakes. I wasn’t trying to “showcase how educated I am,” just express my admittedly obsessive frustration with simple grammar mistakes.
And like I said, DOB is hilarious regardless of the occasional mistake’s he make’s.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
in the future, there will only be <10 websites, each the size of the alexandrian library. i’m thinkin: wikipedia that will be held by the illuminati, ebay, itunes or something else that starts with i, microsoft will have all the worlds software (it will be open source after the open source war that a hacker named neo will start in 2020, we just have to find him), and of course cracked that wiped googles cache servers in a heroic conquest of much needed digital space for their exponentially growing number of lists, that will by then cover every aspect of human life, much like the chinese symbols.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
You will make them again DOB, you know you will.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
That was absolutely brilliant.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Lambman’s a smelly ole prick.
This was the best article so far this month (mind you, it’s only the 8th, but nonetheless a fantastic article).
Those Google.org guys don’t know what they got themselves into.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Lambman didn’t laugh. I think he might work for Google.
I think he may have also chose the least manly name on Cracked.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Do you really want to “be that guy?” I love that term. Right on…….fuck google in their little pink asshole! i’m not searching for shit till the war is over.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
this was terrible, I didn’t even smile once while reading this needlessly long crap
August 8th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
No no no, let’s not all hate on Pat because he pointed out grammar mistakes. They are mistakes that I did, in fact, make. Pointing them out will ensure that I (probably) won’t do it again. Thank you.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
@greywar
This actually does remind me a lot of John Cheese… particularly “The Phone Saga.”
August 8th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
“First of all, this isn’t your office, it’s a strip club.”
^ I definitely lol’d at that point.
And Pat, don’t be an ass about grammar. It doesn’t imply that you’re well educated, it just showcases doucheness. Don’t be that guy.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
OMG! I just discovered this site today and read all the blogs. this is by far my favoret. DOB your a funny guy. if all your posts are this good this may become my new favoret site.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Was this written by JJohn Schwartzwelder or something?
August 8th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Awesome blog. I laughed more at this one than at any other article I’ve ever read on Cracked, or the internet as a whole. Great job DOB. I noticed the grammatical errors too, but Suck that motherfucker you bitin’ it, shit. I got off work today due to a clerical error and this was the perfect start to an unexpected drunken day of no responsibilities.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
@Gladstone - subtle, concise, and brilliant - luv’d it, and I’m sure Pat did, too.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:48 am
dear cracked.com…………….what the fuck bro? are you fucking serious? Fucking google?…………………………………………………………………………………………are you fkn serious?………..all i can say is that no one can top you guys. fkn powerful you guys are, fkn powerful. you guys are just too fkn intense. phenomenal. your gonna sprutz all over google’s face.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Really? the world is my desk buddy, every damn bit of it.
Google is probably run by a giant computer anyway, like Tron. Just get them into the middle of a wooded clearing, somewhere where phone lines don’t even exist. They’ll wither and die.
Who you gonna search now bitch?
August 8th, 2008 at 11:40 am
If its a rip off of anything, greywar, it’s Jay Pinkerton…
http://www.cracked.com/article_14972_st-patricks-day-exposed.html
Either way, still aweomse stuff. Totally taking the concept to a new level of hilarity.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:36 am
” My desk and computer (Vic 20) is set up in the bottom of an elevator shaft/urinal. ”
Yeah, I had an office there too but I called it Bosnia.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Ok, here is the deal. We’ll use a search engine, something massive that can find just about anything no matter how obscure and we use it to find Google’s weakness, then we exploit it and seize control. Now all we need a really great search engine…
August 8th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Still, you have a pretty swanky office there, Dobber. Hell, I’d kill to have an office like that.
My desk and computer (Vic 20) is set up in the bottom of an elevator shaft/urinal. You kids today don’t know how good you’ve got it.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:20 am
oh come on Pat. your being to picky.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:20 am
It’s funny. “google,” is the exact sound a stripper makes while choking on a cat giving a lap dance.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:16 am
DOB, if you take on google you need a theme song. Does google have a theme song? no they do not.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Combine OCD with ADD. It’s fun and annoying at the same time!
August 8th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Can I have a job as a Cracked editor? Alright, I’ll try to be less sarcastic. Let me start over.
Dan, you’re a funny guy. I loved that article about auditioning for Macocaroni. But when I see crazy grammatical mistakes like using apostrophes to denote plurality, I stop reading an article. I really can’t stand reading “The one’s who fear forks often do” and having it followed by “So did the Nazi’s,” so I just gave up on this article a third of the way through. It’s (as in “it is”) “ones” and “Nazis,” DOB.
We all make mistakes like these, but your editor should be able to catch them before they make it onto the blog and drive grammar freaks like me crazy. I suggest you use the editors’ fear of forks to coerce them into doing their job. And make sure to remind them of the difference between “its” and “it’s.” We must do something about these miniscule grammar errors before our beautiful language goes to shit!
Either that or I should seek treatment for my evident language-centered OCD.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:08 am
This blog is some hilarious shit. Fucking rock on bitches. Way to see some assholes cat and sell it.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:02 am
What a gigantic waste of time.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Best…Nickelodeon…reference…ever!
August 8th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Haha, we could boycott google and only go to cuil. But cuil sucks ass and google is really good. Better plan, boycott cuil. Does that make sense? Let’s just pretend it does.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Google are such smartasses. they think they can figure out exactly what (stupid) websites i want to visit.
i’m sorry Google, but im really not interested in naked old men (…)
August 8th, 2008 at 10:35 am
DOB’s Blog, however does not suck. It’s the opposite of suck. Not blow. The other opposite of suck.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Hyde D Montage…
Your blog still sucks.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Hi this is John Stamos. I wanted to stop in and say I support Cracked and not Google.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Yeah, but did you see my phone? I have a phone now!
August 8th, 2008 at 10:01 am
It is funny because that is exactly what your office and the cracked headquarters looks like.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:59 am
I think I’ve come up with the perfect plan to foil google; we’re going to need a great diversion, I’m thinking Brett Farve. We’ll send him in claiming he’s done with the Jets and would really like to see what kind of offer they can make him. With their backs turned, we’ll unplug googles power cord, then bend one of the three metal prongs on the cord. My cell phone power cord got bent a few weeks ago and I still can’t get that puppy into the wall. Google’s toast! I’ve posted a few total douche pads, (that’s right pad) on my blog http://www.onblastatlast.com, it’s not cracked.com, but it sure beatsr than anything google has to offer.
Hyde D Montage
August 8th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Is it just me or does this seem to be a gigantic rip-off of John Cheese’s style? It just wasn’t as funny.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:28 am
That was the funniest blog in a while. “Yelling slyly” has to be my new favorite verb-adverb combination. I’m going to try to yell slyly everyday now. And the Secret World of Alex Mack reference . . . you actually watched Nickelodeon? (I had sisters, I have an excuse.)
Doesn’t Google already own Cracked.com? Or D.O’B.? Hell, it owns every-fucking-thing. I think you lost your war before you started–I’d take Mariella up on her baking offer. (Was it baking? I already forgot.)
Maybe you could enlist Wikipedia or Anonymous in this fight.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Evil cat thief. Die the death of a thousand hairballs, you swine!!!!
August 8th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Damn that Baah Baah Jack Sheep. Once again puts the man down. Why doesn’t he just push America down some stairs?
August 8th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Maybe we can keep them distracted by searching for things…lots of obscure things…I mean, how many people can they have there looking things up? I’m guessing nine or ten, tops. then, whilst they’re busy reading their encyclopedias we sneak in the back door and…I don’t know…hide stuff from them.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:02 am
If you need any help with the plans, look no further. I’m thinking full-scale nuclear. $160k should be enough, right? Besides, I know a guy. . .
August 8th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Are you sure you can handle this? You still haven’t defeated that teenage girl you waged war on earlier. Google is at least as strong as a teenage girl.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I just checked and they call their offices…Googleplex. You need a cool name if you’re to stand a chance against them. And they’ve got Googlebots…think about that for a moment before you rush into anything.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Great article DOB. I feel sorry for Google when they get their eyes gouged out and are forced to look at your business card. But what the hell? They’re Google! Make them suffer!
August 8th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Wait, wait. Don’t you have abs that can be seen from space? You may not even have to fight Google if you just tear off your shirt, Hulk-style, in front of them, they’re sure to cower… Or explode. Whichever.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Dude, I think I peed a little.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Yes the Casnadian simian regent is right, google fucking cheats( I ought to know I taught them). Start small, go after eBay instead,. Have I mentioned lately how bad eBay pisses me off? Fucking crooks.
I’LL EVEN PAY YOU!!!!!!!!!, with everything I have in my pockets right now. A half a roll of
Rolaids, .87 cent, some guys tooth, a S&W model 649 and a Gerber Applegate-Fairburn
(that’s a knife).
Updated. Jack O’Brien just emailed me and said under no circumstances am I to give you a gun or a knife. He said those thing in your hands have potential to run the gambit of mayhem from, his word, “Dan will put his eye out put to WWIII”
So please Dan do what you can with Rolaids, the tooth and the .87 cents and because of no weaponry, I will through in an extra $5.00.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:12 am
“Secret World of Alex Jack” made my day.
Thanks.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:11 am
So YOU’RE the guy who keeps making me take notes on your ramblings when I’m trying to work. It all makes sense now.
You know, I bake some pretty awesome cookies. You give me that $160k, I’ll slip you the recipe on the sly. And a few free lapdances. You’re sure to win either way.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Daniel, this is Google. You will not beat us. You will fail. Especially in a bake off.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Don’t challenge Google to a Death Race! Google cheats! It’ll try and bribe your navigator, and then when your navigator has a change of heart after seeing how honourable you are, it’s going to cut your brake line!
Trust me. I know these things.
Maybe you can challenge Google to a bake-off? I’m fairly sure such a small internet search engine wouldn’t have access to any decent tart recipes. And you, Daniel P. O’Brien, know all about tarts– or so I’ve heard.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Uhh, first?
Your articles(battle plans) are always freakin’ awesome.
Good Luck with that Gugal thing uou got goin’ there, they should be a push-over.