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Two Great Movies That Nobody Will Ever See: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

The Thing With Two Heads

If you've been paying attention to all of the exact same websites that I do, then you probably read about Hasbro signing on with Universal for a film deal.

Let me repeat that: Hasbro - maker of such board games as Battleship, Candy Land and Mouse Trap - has signed on for a film deal with Universal - maker of such films as Howard the Duck and Weird Science.

You're probably thinking, "Yawn! I don't work in Hollywood, Ross. What does this mean to me, the average moviegoer?"

Three words: Monopoly: The Movie.

That's a lot of pressure for the average director. How do you turn a board game into a movie, particularly one worthy of the Monopoly name? We're going to need someone with a proven track record, someone capable of rising to the challenge. Someone who has demonstrated the ability to take an established franchise and turn it into a sensational film. We're going to need a miracle worker here, and as far as I'm concerned, there's only one man who can make it happen.

We need Michael Bay.

Will Pewter Shoe pass go and collect $200? Will Top Hat "get out of jail free" in time, and if he does, will he do it in time to collect rent on Oriental Avenue from Iron and Wheelbarrow? Its one of the great American board games; theres no reason it cant be one of the great American movies, too. Only one man has the raw talent and integrity needed to bring a film of such great scope and magnitude to the silver screen, and his name is Michael Bay.

You're probably wondering what The Thing With Two Heads has to do with Michael Bay directing Monopoly: The Movie. Nothing really, but c'mon - the white bigot gets his head sewed onto the black soul brother! How could I pass that up?!

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