So apparently there are people who read Cracked, but are embarrassed to acknowledge that publicly or be seen on our website. Much like an unseemly heroin addiction, however, the itch eventually wins out. That’s when they go to my Facebook page, become my friend, and confess their online addiction. Sarah Black is exactly like that (except for the parts that I completely made up). Anyway, one day Sarah brought Twilight to my attention via her Facebook status message that read: “ZOMG! I wish a vampire would take ME away!” Actually, it didn’t say that. It said something disparaging about Twilight fangirls. Until then, I hadn’t heard about this teenage vampire phenomenon that was getting the co-eds all tingly. That was six weeks ago. And all this time I’ve been waiting for the right time to do this episode of HBN. So a shoutout to Sarah for giving me the idea. It was such a good idea it was worth putting up with her daily Facebook chatting (”WTF! Marketing class is the WORST!”; “Sarah wants brewskis, LOL!”; and my personal favorite “I <3 cute boyz!!!”) And, again, all of this is completely true save for the parts I’m making up.
Moving on! With only two more episodes left, I thought I’d unleash THE OFFICIAL HATE BY NUMBERS CONTEST. The prize will be an autographed cartoon of me (if Lounsey’s talented, but drunken boyfriend ever gets off his ass and draws it). If not (and I’m betting on “not” because living with Lounsey is probably a full time job, leaving any person depressed and depleted) I’ll autograph something else. Perhaps, DOB’s breast. Anyway, here’s the question:
IN TOTAL, 6 DIFFERENT SONGS HAVE PLAYED OVER THE ENDING CREDITS OF HATE BY NUMBERS. NAME THEM ALL.
DON’T LEAVE YOUR ANSWERS IN THE COMMENTS. Instead, send them to my Cracked mail or my Facebook mail.
The winner will be announced in next week’s episode.
And lastly, HBN was not cancelled. I’m just taking an extended, indefinte, sabbatical because i’ve neglected my screenplays for far too long. There’s no other immediate project. If there is. I’ll let you all know via Facebook.
Lastly, I renamed my website. Check it out: Kafka Lives In Maine.
This entry was posted on Monday, November 10th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka)
An Open Letter To American Express
Adam Lambert vs. Clay Aiken: The Gayest Feud of All-Time
A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30)
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:10 am
You know what would have made Twilight worth watching? If Charlie just Rick Rol’d everyone at the end.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Why is there ‘Twilight’ everywhere? I mean, come on! What’s the deal??
And on a somewhat unrelated note:
Ms. ‘MissMatched’, not mad at you or anything, but I think the reference to asians (”cheap asian knock-off hand-held camera”) was uncalled for. Anyway, just saying.
June 14th, 2009 at 12:14 am
Twilight looks like the cheap asian knock-off hand-held camera was given to a drunk 12 year old to film.
Those two are meant to be so incredibly in love, you cant even tell with the way they treat each other in the fricken movie! Kristen Stewart is such a crap actress.
I used to like the books, but since the movie came out I have renounced all fan-like behavour to the stupid series. That being said, the plot is crap, but those books are suspiciously addictive.
Im convinced Stephanie Meyer has some sort of subliminal message thing going on the create her own army of psychotic teenage fan girls. Coz seriously, who could beat that army?
June 6th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
It isn’t required that a movie be completely faithful to the source material to be a great movie or to be a good represtation to the book. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Jurassic Park and The Shining are all great examples of this.
The problem with Twilight is that its just not very well written. I’m sorry but the excuse that they are targeted toward teens isn’t valid. Harry Potter is, despite being geared toward younger readers, very well written. As are books like Little Women, The Hobbit, The Giver, ect.
The only really positive thing about the series is that the fictional world in which the story takes place is quite interesting. The problem is that the storyline is overly simplistic, the characters unrealistic (and no I don’t mean the fantasy elements, their emotions) and the pacing is inconsistent.
A good, skilled author with a sense of pacing and a talent for punchy dialogue could have wrapped all three sequels into one book. The first book is very original if not very good. New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn read like bad Fan Fiction. Even if you don’t throw out all three, you could just tack two chapters onto the end of Eclipse of Bella being a vampire and it would be fine.
Breaking Dawn is unneccessary because it has the distinct feel that it was done because Meyer wanted money. The story effectively ends when (spoiler alert) Victoria is killed. There is no need to go any further. Everything is wrapped up. Breaking Dawn reminds me of the The Return of the King movie. The story is resolved but the movie keeps going for another 30 minutes.
I guess, in conclusion, is that people should get over it. Twilight is big now but it is going to fizzle out. Sorry fangirls, this is not a new literary classic. This is a fad. In five years you are going to look back and laugh saying, “I can’t believe that we were obsessed over THAT.”
May 16th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
I find it a bit amusing that this video/ article was posted over 6 months ago and people are still commenting on it to argue about twilight
I also found this installment of HBN amusing, and I’m glad it’s back
April 27th, 2009 at 12:41 am
I find it odd, that it’s impossible to bring up Twilight without people having an opinion on it. From taking a step back and looking at the MASS that Twilight is, (good or bad, but true), this is what it looks like.
Category 1: The Fangirls
OOMMMGGGGZZZZZZ TWILIGHT IS THE BESTEST THING EVAAA!!!!!!!!! I AM SO IN LVOE WITH EDWARD!!!!! HES SO SEXY! STEPHANIE MEYER IS MY HERO!!!! DON’T BAG HER OR TWILIGHT OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!!!!!!
Category 2: The experienced horrified writers.
It amazing what passes for literature these days. These books are the fantasies of someone who obviously has problems, and is brainwashing an entire generation of young girls with poor morals and bad examples. Now, time for my warm glass of milk and it off to bed…….
……0.o
That’s what it looks like and is honestly quite terrifying. Don’t judge me on that - I am only stating what it looks like. If you want to judge me (which I know you all do…that why you read comments; this is my experience with Twilight-:
Many years ago, I was looking at the books a friend of mine had - and I happened to find a copy of Twilight. (the very…very old original copy….with the picture of a chick with short black hair (wft..) standing next to what looks like school lockers..) So, I decided to check it out and buy my own copy. This was around the time where no one had heard of this book, before Eclipse was released.
I read it, and I must say, I liked it. Not just that, I loved it. The books are very addicting to read. My group of friends (guys and gals) became pretty much the first people in our school, do I dare say entire shire - to like, let alone read or HEAR of Twilight.
After Eclipse was out for a while, there were rumours of a movie on the internet. These were still the days we’re I was convincing my friends from other school to read it, that had no idea what it was. So, therefore it was very rare to meet another Twilight fan, and you were both instantly friends if you met one.
The movie was starting to be made, and I had denounced it completely. As exciting as the idea of Twilight becoming a movie for everyone to know about…..you can’t make Twilight a move. Not a good movie anyway. It’s impossible. (Turns out I was right..huh.) I hated the actors…it was just all wrong. They were wrecking my book….my characters.
Slowly….actually, suddenly TWILIGHT was everywhere. At first I was proud to see it….but then slowly I saw the kind of people that were starting to get into it. People who I know in my grade, who I know had never read a book before Twilight, let alone had more than one brain cell in their heads, were running around screaming “EEEDDWAAAARRRDDDD”. It was embarrassing what they were doing to me characters….now I hoped that the movie would actually somehow.. redeem them.
Then came…Breaking Dawn. Like everyone else who was a fan around that time, I was flipping my lid with excitement. Another friend and I took the days off school, to wait around the shops for HOURS until the books finally arrived (we got to cut the boxes open!). Breaking Dawn. That was what ended my love of Twilight. (and made me want to stab the shit of a Bella once and for all) For some reason whilst reading it…I realised how terrible it was. Stephanie Meyer had destroyed her own characters…not the movie, or the wildcrazed stupid fangirls. I hated Breaking Dawn, to put it simply. Then looking back on the other books…I couldn’t remember what was so great about them either. They were…kinda boring now.
Sure, I admit, seeing the fans of twilight did put a fowl taste in my mouth whenever I said I was one of them…but I’m glad on my own I realised…(to put it bluntly) terrible these books are. Plus, the movie may have had something to do with it. (My friends and I dressed up as sexy Volturi members….that was the best part of the night, but how hard the movie sucked is another story).
I no longer consider myself a fan of the books as such; instead I read harsh and funny reviews on them, to laugh at how horrible they are. (hello cracked.) But, I can’t deny how totally in love with them I once was. I’ll give it to Stephanie…you may not know how to write a plot or anything..but somehow you made it incredibly addicting. You sucked people into your world, removed them of their own free will, and now you have more power than several small countries military forces combined…….Fangirl power (shudders). Bravo.
But what I’ve gained from this series isn’t a love of reading (Already had that)….which honestly I guess this series has given to the majority of stupid girls that otherwise wouldn’t have picked up a book. Now have I gained a love of Vampires (already had that). But I’ve gained the knowledge that I do have the power to retrieve my soul from the clutches of something evil before it gets too ugly. Plus…I’ve learned what makes a good book, and what makes a shitty book. In the end, Twilight will help the next generation of hopeful authors :). So thank you for that Steph. But…no thank you for all the..you know…abusive relationship…stalker/controlling/is ok…anti feminist stuff – and giving some conservative reviewers who whine on about everything; ANOTHER thing to complain about. We’ll never hear the end of Twilight now. It can only end in a bloody battle to the death between fangirls and anti-twilighters, which will end up destroying every living thing on the planet. 0.o
People: Get a life…before you lose it.
April 18th, 2009 at 9:36 am
My goodness, Anon! You’re just asking for it:
You know what?
-No, I don’t. And if it’s from you, no. I don’t want to. It’ll most likely cause my I.Q points to go and just die.-
The three most dangerous words right now, are “I liked twilight.” and I am SICK of it.
-No, the most dangerous words are ‘Twilight blows hard’ ‘Twilight really sucked’ or anything negative about it. Seeing the reactions from the fans are…hysterical.
Example: Your comment here now.-
People judge it, treat it as crappy, and just judge other people who enjoyed it.
-And you getting mad at the writer, and us, for hating it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not judging, at all.-
Talking about it is the equivilant of setting an bomb on your chest or something.
-I have no idea what ‘equivilant’ is, but I have to say this. I’m surprised you are comparing Twilight to terrorism now, or suicide. It’s like comparing shooting people, to shooting cans.
Not. The. Same.-
I liked it. GASP OHE NOES!!! SHE MUST BE AN IDIOT
-No, but I do think you’re a Troll. And a crappy one at that.-
…….FUCKING WRONG.
-Yesssss~. Using CAPS rape is what the intelligent people do ALL the time now. Eye-rolling moment.-
And Yes,
-Did you need to capitalize ‘y’ why?-
Bella can be stupid, but seriously.
-No shit.-
She’s a FUCKING TEENAGER. That’s how I acted when I was her age,
-I’M a teenager, and I wouldn’t let my daughter get molested by a pedophile. Or let a guy emotionally abuse me, or treat others like crap when they’re trying to be nice.
Whoever acts like SHE does in the book, is an asshole and creep in my opinion.-
and I love that about this book.
-Oh boys.-
I WAS EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
-So you promote child-grooming then? And abusive relationships? Glorified fanfiction stories? Hmmm…-
I can sympathize, a small amount,
-Stress ’small’ to a billion times, and that’s what you get from the rest of the world.-
and when she does something annoying, I
-Which was all the time.-
know it’s not because S Meyers is a bad writer,
-It’s because she’s a CRAPPY writer then?-
it’s that TEENAGERS ARE IDIOTS SOMETIMES.
-Hey! We don’t go running around, trying to fling ourselves off cliffs everyday! Leave us out of this.-
Oh? and anyone who didn’t like jacob,
-That’s the entire population of the Twilight haters then, and people with common sense.-
yeah, in eclpise, he is kinda annoying
-My GOD! You managed to rape the word ‘eclipse’ in one foul type! How can you do that now?-
but jeez, he’s a teenaged boy in love,
-One: There’s no such word as ‘teenaged’.
Two: I don’t give shit if he’s a ‘kided’ boy in love. He was still annoying and is a proven pedophile He couldn’t get more creepier/annoying.-
not to mention a FUCKING WEREWOLF.
-And him being a werewolf is an excuse how…?-
I know I didn’t fucking string things together,
-Yeah, we noticed that a long, long time ago now.-
but here’s my point:
-Please let it be smart, please let is be smart, please let it be smart, please let it be smart.-
Get the hell out of my face about reading twilight.
-How on earth is this article all about you? Are you that narcissistic to believe this is all about you? Or are you simple a Troll?-
I’m an english major.
-Sure you are, dear. Sure you are.-
I read beowolf, Wuthering heights, ect.
-How the heck are you an English major if you keep raping the most simplest of words/terms?-
LET ME READ SOMETHING MINDLESS.
-There’s something called ‘mindless’, and something called ‘abomination to feminism/over-all human rights/life/general biology/general English/common sense.’
Twilight killed that line.-
FUCK YOU.
-Ah yes, this is really what a mature English major would say to several people on the internet. I dub you, thee Macho Man.-
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:05 pm
plus the movie sucked big time
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Man, some ppl have real issues here, if you dont like whats being published, then just close the damn page you morons…
March 11th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
@ Anon: Sigh… Now I need to change my major. My problem isn’t that the writing is crap, or that the characters are one dimensional or… well yeah.
My REAL problem with Twilight is that it was written by a woman, it is marketed to young girls, and the message of the series is this: “Love means being utterly subservient to you man and letting him get you pregnant.” GAHH.
March 9th, 2009 at 6:35 am
You know what?
The three most dangerous words right now, are “I liked twilight.” and I am SICK of it. People judge it, treat it as crappy, and just judge other people who enjoyed it. Talking about it is the equivilant of setting an bomb on your chest or something.
I liked it. GASP OHE NOES!!! SHE MUST BE AN IDIOT
…….FUCKING WRONG.
And Yes, Bella can be stupid, but seriously. She’s a FUCKING TEENAGER. That’s how I acted when I was her age, and I love that about this book. I WAS EXACTLY LIKE THAT. I can sympathize, a small amount, and when she does something annoying, I know it’s not because S Meyers is a bad writer, it’s that TEENAGERS ARE IDIOTS SOMETIMES.
Oh? and anyone who didn’t like jacob, yeah, in eclpise, he is kinda annoying but jeez, he’s a teenaged boy in love, not to mention a FUCKING WEREWOLF.
I know I didn’t fucking string things together, but here’s my point:
Get the hell out of my face about reading twilight. I’m an english major. I read beowolf, Wuthering heights, ect. LET ME READ SOMETHING MINDLESS. FUCK YOU.
February 15th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
70s progressive rock should be the soundtrack to every horror/monster movie ever, whether it be vampire, zombie, werewolf, or even Godzilla. Seriously, can you even imagine how awesome it would be if they played the solo from Tom Sawyer during one of the giant fights in 28 Weeks Later?
February 9th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I read, and watched this post and most of the comments before scrolling back to the top of the page and seeing something that made me laugh even harder then the video itself.
Here is the ad that was on the side of the post while I was reading:
http://i42.tinypic.com/2r2uonn.jpg
February 6th, 2009 at 6:37 am
@ Jona
You are awesome, best arguement for hating that piece of shit.
January 30th, 2009 at 2:06 am
Twilight… what can I say? How about:
Stephenie Meyer wouldn’t know a Vampire if one bit her on the ass (see the “no fangs” response at http://movies.about.com/od/twilight/a/stephenie-meyer.htm ).
Twilight takes a huge shit on vampire lore and hands it to the doe-eyed tweenie- and teenie-girls of the world and their middle-aged mothers (seeking to gain access to their daughters by involving themselves in whatever watered-down pop culture phenomena of the time they can), who in turn buy said shit-upon vampire lore and call it ice-cream.
I say to anyone who likes this series, author or movie: You are a mindless twit. Please pull your head out of your anus and give your brain enough oxygen for your vision to clear so you may see through this complete piece of shit. Thank you and have a nice day.
This “movie” and the disturbing popularity of it in context of its content and origins begs the question: What the fuck is the world coming to when an abomination such as Twilight can be so successful? Clearly, this is evidence that just because something is popular it doesn’t have to be of high quality, it just has to appeal to morons and the less informed/experienced.
PS… if you take any offence to what I have said and/or disagree with me: fuck you.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
i hate fucking vampire kids!
January 12th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Gladstone, I love Twilight but that was super funny anyways!! Great Job!
January 5th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
.
November 21st, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Point six is wrong! Teenage girls would love it more if all the vampires were gay. Ever hear of Yaoi Mangas?
November 17th, 2008 at 8:30 am
[...] six people won the HBN Contest, and they each get a scanned version of a Patrick Semple original drawing of [...]
November 17th, 2008 at 5:45 am
Shhh Gladstone… what stage of grief is denial again?
November 16th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
But I am leaving?
November 16th, 2008 at 12:39 am
The end rant saved this hbn…
Gladstone, thanks for not leaving; I don’t think I could deal with Swaim alone
November 15th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Because of things like this, hatred is a necessary emotion for human survival.
November 15th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Gladstone - great episode, excellent troll-thrashing.
Ignore em
November 14th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
It makes me so happy to know that only functionally incompetent people hate me and my show.
@Eamon, perhaps you could delete the 7s after dealing with cheese issues? Oh, and btw, the thought of you you sloppily shoving cheese in your face while trolling couldn’t be more appropriate.
@Fuck You, I think you mean “you’re” not “your.” Also, fat? Just call me a douchebag, it’s harder to prove you wrong on that one.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Fuck you, Gladstone777777777777777777777777777777777, you got my hopes up by saying “Only X Episodes Left!” and you’re not quitting/hanging yourself?
Sorry about the sevens, I had to get a piece of cheese out of my keyboard before it fell all the way in. BRING BACK WiD!
November 13th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Why are you ending Hate By Numbers?! It’s such a good segment!
Where’re you going, anyhow?
November 13th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Sorry I’m late again, Gladstone; that was fucking funny. And obviously you’re just not using the right techniques on facebook.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
your an ass!! Twilight is the best and your just hating fat old man
November 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
its all about the books, not the movie. i didnt want to read the books bc of the trendiness amoung the teen girls, but my lil sis convinced me and i was hooked, the movie, of course, like all movies, will not live up to the book or the movie i had in my head while reading it at all.
November 13th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Goddammit why hasn’t CERN used their Big Ole Machine O’ Doom (Hadron Collider) to erase this film from history?
November 13th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
@Tyler. Almost never. If it were important, i wouldn’t discuss it in the human cesspool that is the world wide web.
November 13th, 2008 at 7:53 am
I’m not denying that Harry Potter seems far superior to this (which I haven’t read)… But the main guy is hotter as Smouldering Vampire than he was as Cedric Diggory.
I sorta want to read the books now. There’s nothing like a tortured soul to push my buttons.
November 13th, 2008 at 6:46 am
Morgon:Every vampire movie has the same guidelines. no daylight and all that.
Borrring. yawn. seen it.
Umm thats because that’s how it is, vampires can’t go out in sunlight, just as werewolfs(?) can be killed by a silver bullet, and zombies are killed by taken their heads off, this is a written law, saying that’s boring is exactly why you like Twilight. It’s written for dumbasses. Also Twilight can suck Harry Potter left nut because it will never compare to the greatness that Harry Potter is.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:21 am
Have you ever complained about anything that mattered?
November 12th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Wow, I havn’t laughed that loud in a while,
come back soon
and good luck on the screenplays
November 12th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Twilight is shit. End of story.
November 12th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
MJ..alright, you hate me already. I never said lame ever. Everything I say you take wrong. Can we please go back to the little place where we don’t go back and forth, at all? Your loyalty to her is admirable but I’m so done explaining myself to you. Aloha..(I guess that offends you too..)
November 12th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
@Groo
I almost started reading those books but since the last book is being finished by another author I’m hesitant to do so. I’d hate to get through all those books only to be disappointed at the end. Everybody I know that reads them talks about how fantastic they are though.
Not to draw away from the rapid subject changes but Josie, it’s not “lame” to “stand by” somebody. Most people would view that as admirable quality. I’m not even convinced that term is appropriate for what Lounsey said anyway as she was simply making a joke about how unknown Paddy is to the cracked readers. Either way I find your comment incredibly rude.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
True that, Lounsey. Rapid subject changes are good things. I’d like that link, please.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
well Josie, did you find my fellas page of art wonders?
Also, girls who don’t stand by their man are a bit lame… but I feel like I’m detracting from the pleasant Harry Potter twist this comments section has taken… the Hary Potter movies sucked. And MJ is totally right. At the end they’re gonna realise that all the cool tiny strands that come together and make the ending so awesome will be missing. The ending will be blunt and shit, and not the great unwravelling that it is in the books.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
This is really sad. It doesn’t matter if guys read the book or not; if it’s a sh-tty series, then that’s all it’ll be. Sorry. I don’t even know who this Edward Cullen is, but if he ever materialises, I’m putting a stake through his heart. Between this bull and High School Musical, I’m completely ashamed of being a girl.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Sorry, L, SEMPLE..
November 12th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Wait..A PATRICK STEMPLE original? Well that changes everything! Off to spend the day googling..
(Way to stand by your man, Lounsey. Shameless, but funny.)
November 12th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Its not directed towards fifteen year old girls. Its young adult, the characters are eighteen and nineteen.
Honestly there isn’t many guys who would care to read this book, so when guys bash it, its just a waste of time. Who cares?
A lot of people don’t like the first one, but the character development gets much better in the other three books.
Its also a young adult book. Sooo obviously if your not in that category, why are you reading it? You probably won’t care for it.
Movies that are based on books are never ever as good as the book. Thats just a given. But the movie is still going to pack in some numbers due to the fact that the fan base is crazy.
Even if fans are let down, it will be one of their favorite movies just because.
Every vampire movie has the same guidelines. no daylight and all that.
Borrring. yawn. seen it.
It was different and there is a lot of history written in all four books. so it makes sense. and fans of vampire things can appreciate something different instead of the same old hollywood vampire scenerio
November 12th, 2008 at 11:18 am
There are VERY few movie adaptations that are true to the book. As an avid reader, I actually enjoyed the Harry Potter books, and was sorely disappointed by the movies, but making the movie two hours long means making some changes.
I read two chapters of twilight, and couldn’t take any more. If this gets any worse as a movie, it will be in the $1.99 bargain bins at Best Buy within three months.
BTW, if you want to read a book with amazing character development and the best, most intricately woven storyline I have ever seen, try the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. I don’t think it will ever become a movie though, too much internal dialogue.
November 12th, 2008 at 9:12 am
I think that people should be entering for the chance to win a Patrick Semple original drawing…which I have no doubt will be hugely valuable in the future!
November 12th, 2008 at 7:08 am
My 16-year old niece is big time into this whole Twilight phenomenon..especially Robert Patterson. Good for her and anyone else..whatever blows your skirt up.
I hope people are going to enter the contest. Given I would lose and spend a lot of time trying to succeed, I’ll just bow out cold. I happened to stumble upon the thread in the forums whereby GStone says he doesn’t expect much of a response, yet has faith. Do him proud..
(I just got sucked into that forum world today by a fellow crackster and all I can say is it reminds me of a smoky, men’s club in there.. yikes! I would have negative karma from the get-go. That freakin’ robot would ban me at “hello.”)
November 11th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I just finished the book last night. I was curious about all the hype. And, well, it was kind of lame. The characters were shallow and one dimensional. By the end of the book I did not know enough about Edward to even decide if I liked him. Yet the “love” between him and Bella is instant and all-consuming. Please. There was no plot. There was one “climactic” scene at the end, but the outcome was a foregone conclusion, given that there are three more books in the series. All in all, it was a major letdown.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I hate myself so much for this, but…
Vampires should -not- go out in sunlight. It’s just a given. After all, they have to have some horrible weakness to make up for being super-powered immortal beasts.
But I can certainly get behind the whole thing about them bursting into flame upon contact with sunlight… much more amusing than simple dis-corporation, no?
Come to think of it, if they had that threw that in there, I’d gladly go see the film.
Right, rant done. Sorry about all that.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Every week, there seems to be someone claiming that whatever HBN is making fun of is not a legitimate thing to make fun of. I have no idea why.
Personally, I tried to read “Twilight,” gave up because it’s crappy, and will probably go and see the film because I like smoldering, vaguely androgynous teenage boys.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:04 am
lol at the fangirls that say it’s a great book but there are still people that have read it and admit it overall sucks.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:15 am
GTFO already.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:21 am
Wallsy, the Harry Potter movie adaptations are horrible (certainly does not deserve to be compared to the LotR movies). They took decent books and whittled away at the story so it would fit into a 2 hour movie and then wrote bad lines for all their poxy actors. They either left out main characters and events completely or mauled them so badly it made me want to cry. The films are only more entertaining than the books if you’re mentally disabled and can’t handle the proper storyline (cause lets face it, it’s written at a year 7 level regardless). I’m just waiting until they get to making the last book into a movie and realise they’ve left out almost every important detail that the 7th book is based upon. Noobs….
/endHarryPotterrant
I didn’t know Twilight was even based on books but then again I haven’t read any books aimed at 15 year olds since I was… well… 15. Like I said though, I’m still gonna go see the movie. In my defense I go to the cinemas every week and there’s only so many movies out at any one time.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Haley, I pretty much assume that anyone who says something is “gay” is an idiot, but in this case it seems that people with more than four word vocabularies concur: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twilight_(series)#Reception_and_influence
Also, one doesn’t actually have to read the book (or whatever) on which a film is based to make a judgement about the film itself (although in this case it probably wouldn’t change the assessment). They are two separate things and can actually be judged as such. Even the best books can be made into terrible films, and I suppose that theoretically some pretty terrible books could be made into good films. It’s certainly possible for a film to be more entertaining than the book its based on (eg. Harry potter, LotR).
November 11th, 2008 at 1:36 am
Infinitiy Land, not everyone bitten by a vampire becomes one. If they did, the vampire population would grow out of control and eat all the available humans and then die out. The very idea is ludicrous and I chortle aloud.
Also, what the fuck is up with these lame vampires who can go out in the day? Being a vampire means no sunlight, dammit. I don’t know what the hell these things are, but they’re not vampires. And they seem to be all over the place lately. Is it really so difficult to have your vampire characters not go out in the daytime? If you want daytime monsters, why would you pick vampires? That’s just stupid.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:18 am
I bet money that most of the people who say Twilight is gay haven’t read the books. Or haven’t read.
Pick up a book, assholes. Literacy is a good thing.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Oh god, and I juuuuust got a job at a movie theater. I have to deal with thousands of fangirls only two weeks into working there?
And this was definitely the funniest HBN yet.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
@Metalbrainsurgery
Apparently, these super-special-awesome vampires CAN go into the sun. The only side effect they receive is… well… sparkling.
‘Cause it’s necessary.
It could have been an evolutionary trait - who knows? This author is SO original - there’s just got to a reason behind ‘vamprz sp4rkl lolz’.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I don’t believe that that’s your Facebook, Gladstone. I’ve come across the link a couple of times but I’m so reluctant to add you because that display picture is not the charming devil I’ve come to know.
Are you lying to us? Why would you lie to us?
November 10th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I concur with all those who say that this episode was fucking very funny. Or maybe very fucking funny. Or very funny fucking? (The special unrated version.)
November 10th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Vampires and 70s progressive rock don’t mix?
Edgar Winter would beg to differ.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Starship Trooper is a fucking awesome song and Yes is a fucking awesome band.
just thought I’d say it
Also, Twilight is super gay.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
this episode was freakin’ hilarious. my little sister and almost all the other girls at my school have flipped head over heels over this stupid book. we even have a club devoted ENTIRELY to twilight. this hbn made me feel better about wanting to punch them in their faces.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
best hbn ever.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
This was pure awesomeness. I hate Twilight and this was brilliant.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I’m very glad you picked up on the Starship Trooper thing, I was thinking that right before the beep.
Also, she said that he never goes out in the sun, but for most of the trailer he was most definately in the sun.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Dracula made me lol. Thanks, Gladstone!
November 10th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
that was the best HBN…ever
November 10th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
The Dracula and Kansas thing was damn funny, but on a sadder note, sorry HBN was cancelled.
Maybe you should take an extended sabbatical, to re-access your life and career choices.
November 10th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I’ve told you before G-stoner: the 18-24 demographic is SO overrated.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I don’t understand what’s so scary about vampires if they bite you you have the power to fly and live forever.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
2 things: First, Bela Lugosi and Kansas is nearly the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Brilliant.
Second, all songs were by Eve6 according to the comments section of most HBNs.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I’m ashamed to say that I actually did like Twilight for a while (I’m a bit of a sucker for anything romantic), but then I realised that the characters were boring and the books were terribly written, and the film looks almost as bad as High School Musical. Needless to say, I’m no longer a fan.
Anyway, great Hate By Numbers, and I’ll be sad to see you go. Hate By Numbers is my favourite part of Cracked!
November 10th, 2008 at 10:50 am
So…when’s the part he rips her throat out to Genesis? Or did I miss the point? Hur hur I bet he wants to take her for a ride on his broomstick hur hur.
So even the badasses of the legend/superhero genre are getting emo’d. I look forward to the next installment - a zombie angst film where the protagonist wails about his rotting limbs and dead eyes in order to seduce a young goth/necrophiliac to the musical stylings of ELO. And then gets a shotgun shell to the head. BRAAAAAAINS!
I take all credit.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:57 am
oh, also, even the book sucked. It’s for teenagers who don’t have taste beyond what they see in Top 40 lists and magazines.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Giving the fact i’m an obsessive music elitist, i’ll have an answer to you when I get home from school.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Me, a mate and his girlfried were watching this trailer in the theatre and the first thing that came to mind was: “Yes, we can see movies for free but we will never retrieve the time lost on this bile.”
November 10th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I left a word out. I’m worried I’ll not like the movie.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:16 am
I love, LOVE, the Harry Potter books…. And I although I’m worried i’ll the twilight movie because I love the books so unbelievably much, I’m still going to be there on opening night. (Go team Edward…)
Since you’re not the target audience, Gladstone, I’ll forgive you for this, and you haven’t read the books so you have no idea how great they are.
That Van Helsing scene made me laugh out loud, it really was great.
BTW Did you know the lead vampire guy is out of one of the Harry movies?
November 10th, 2008 at 8:26 am
I hope that I never meet the type of girl that enjoys Twilight. They sounds like the most annoying kind of person ever.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:20 am
F U Wayne. I am one of those Harry Potter girls. I also like the music to that soundtrack. I think that guy is hot. I think vampires are hot. I will probably see that movie out of curiosity and to watch the hot guy for 90 minutes.
I agree with everything you said though. I also laughed very loudly at your imitation of his facial expression. I’m just a sad case. A sad, awesome case.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Living with me is at worst a part time job (though Paddy has *actually* made the ‘full time job’ analogy once before)…And the cartoon will be autographed by him also, so when he’s a famous animator at Disney you can sell it and make millions!
p.s. Wayne is a publicity whore.