Michael Bay is well known for the child-like glee with which he infuses every over-the-top, ridiculous action scene he directs. He is truly an auteur, and the naive innocence which he brings to his directing can make most any stupid movie romp enjoyable. Unfortunately, hoping to cement his artistic credibility by landing that coveted writer/director credit a la Clint Eastwood, Bay also decided to try his hand at writing screenplays. And due to my elite Hollywood status as a quasi-respectable Internet comedian, I of course had access to this attempt, and due to my shaky moral compass, I of course decided to post a few excerpts of it for you here:
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November 18th, 2009 at 8:48 am
*random troll rant*
No, seriously, it had me grabbing my stomach during the whole article, that’s how hard I was laughing.
The scanned pages makes it all the more authentic and funny, keep up the good work.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Hi there, Im doctor chaos…. I like teabagging and shoving my fingers in the mouths of puppy dogs while jacking off…. You see, Im inbred, my parents are actually brother and sister (as were there parents… and their parents parents). Although I dont normally do gay sex, Im willing to have you all come over to my hous elater for strawberries and extremely sexy escapades (possibly including leather thongs and several little gnomes)… I am a special, special man! No, thank you!
August 17th, 2009 at 1:48 am
Its funny how once south park makes a joke about something, everyone tries to jump on it as fast as they can and pretend they were involved in coming up with the idea. if you dont know what im talkin about, its the imaginationland episode.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:59 am
IMPORTANT:
If you, after reading the entire post, have not yet realized it is a spoof, please don’t comment. I will not insult your intelligence by explaining this post to you, just know that if you think that this is:
A) the actual script
B) what Brockway wanted the film to be
C) anything similar to the above
Don’t say anything.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
great mock script buddy. also tommy gunn that was a great reply as well. I honestly forgot about the comments section for a sec and was like “fuuuuck is this feature-length or something” but STILL KEPT READING.
August 2nd, 2009 at 4:57 pm
This is exactly what happened in that movie….. What was changed????
July 31st, 2009 at 8:42 pm
I don’t get what’s so funny, when I read this I see a deep, innovating, thrilling, dramatic masterpiece. LOLOLOL
July 31st, 2009 at 6:30 am
Oh. Robot snap!
I’m gonna have to use that in a phrase today…
July 25th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
oh god please! tell me this is a joke!
July 16th, 2009 at 2:54 am
HE’S TOTALLY MAD AT THE TITS !
July 13th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Hmm…the version I saw had more tits and explosions. This one kinda leaves me wanting. Also, is Megan Fox’s ass somewhere in the frame during the mantis tankfist fight? cause there’s a disturbing lack of ass during that scene imo.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
I’d love to see that movie.
July 11th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
ok, i’m not doctor chaos nor i’ll pretend to be him, but i’m sure that his name will drag attention to my comment
there’s an article in cracked that talks about bitches like him, bitches that suck atention of other’s work
for all the people out there, stop paying attention to doctor chaos (i know i’m doing it right know, but you get it) because you all look kind of lame telling him the same bullshit that he says
FUCK OFF YOU’RE GAY and so on, cmon we can do better than that, for example, my comment could have been something like
“Dr chaos go fck yourself the suck your mom’s dick” but i know he laughs at those.
Try this one, ignore him, seriously, picture that:
he is eating breakfast, then open his inbox just to read
“you have 0 replys, guess nobody cares about you anymore ;)”
then a couple of days with comments like hahaha i won you don;t have anything to say right? right? cmon guys please?
that would actually be fun
July 10th, 2009 at 10:01 am
HAHA…”Tommy Gun” : best post yet…..
July 7th, 2009 at 11:24 am
this is…so funny
but as always the best part is the comments! i just wasted fifteen minutes reading most of them (I stopped after DOB’s orgasmically funny response to a certain idiot. I just couldn’t carry on any further. I was spent.) Great work Brockway and god how much do i love DOB.
July 6th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
“Use special effects for this part, unless somebody knows how to confuse a snail.” Priceless. It really exemplifies the way in which some films think they’re so clever that they have to make sure we know that THEY know how clever they are. Loved the whole thing. Some people don’t know satire when they see it.
June 30th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Wow. How prescient, that you should know how TF2 was going to turn out, before it even hit theaters! Amazing. It could be because Michael Bay is a predictable douche bag, but I digress.
And I can see from the comments below, that some clearly haven’t “gotten it.”
June 27th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
June 26th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Hilarious. Though I did enjoy the first Transformers.
June 26th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Doctor Chaos, I read your posts and found myself inspired. Do you think you could give me some tips on how to sound intellectual while possessing all the intelligence of a heaping bowl of cow semen? You know, just like you, in case the implication wasn’t clear enough?
Eh, all “kidding” aside, you’re either a clever satirist or a 350-pound bag of dumbass. Either way, way to bait folks. A sure-fire way to draw attention to yourself when your mommy isn’t paying you enough of it is to act like a pseudo-intellectual cock-hole on the internet, and you’ve got it down to a science. Is that a commentary on how pathetic you are as a loose approximation of a human being, or is it an ironic commentary on how eager folks are to engage in conflict? Whatever the answer is, you should do yourself and everyone else a favor and choke on a bowl of chocolate frosted dicks.
Well, maybe not choke completely to death, but you should at least be about half-way to that state before you’re saved by your obese cat, who manages to climb up on your shoulder in order to eat the Cheeto flakes off of your fat man-tits, and in the process just so happens to jostle your immense folds in such a way that by a miracle of God, the obstruction is dislodged from your windpipe. And then you get AIDS.
June 26th, 2009 at 3:09 am
[...] This post was Twitted by atorresg [...]
June 25th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
that was some funny shit
June 25th, 2009 at 10:57 am
funny!
June 25th, 2009 at 10:25 am
This is actually pretty accurate.
June 25th, 2009 at 7:33 am
(.)(.)
YEAH!!!
June 25th, 2009 at 6:11 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/transformers-2-michael-bays-rejected-script/ [...]
June 25th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Haha that was helluva funny.
June 20th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
[...] Re: Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen Transformers 2: Michael Bay’s Rejected Script | Cracked.com [...]
June 11th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
By the GODS man! Brilliant. Cinematic Gold! Movie of the Ages!
Just one thing though, i think mantis tankfist should have some mad tits too. just to balance it out. because evil tits are always better.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Hahaha painfully accurate. : D
June 10th, 2009 at 8:44 am
You should disable the comments section at Cracked.com because nothing seems funny after reading long winded analysis on what’s funny and what’s not. Dr Chaos is kind of funny though. Leave him alone. You are Cracked readers. Not freaking angels of justice
June 6th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I really look forward to high-brow (as it were) humor when I come to this site.
I mean, even making fun of comic books requires a certain feel to the writing in order for it to be funny.
This article really- -I don’t comprehend how anyone could think that it’s funny.
It’s SO without direction or coherency that it is just stupid– Disaster Movie stupid. The kind of stupid that doesn’t really try to be funny, or have any kind of pseudo-reason. It’s just retarded for the sake of being retarded.
It’s like when someone says the word ‘nuts,’ in reference to, says, sunflower seeds that are too salty, and then some idiot has to snicker, saying, “You said. . . heh heh. . . nuts.”
Oh, yeah, way to catch that one with your rapid wit, you dopey twat.
Talking about boobs, oh; you’re killing me. Oh, wait, incoherency? My sides are splitting.
I am not going to be like many people and suddenly renounce my devotion to the site or some such nonsense.
I’m just saying; this was not funny, overall. What really annoys me about it is that it has the potential to be hilarious.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
May 18th, 2009 at 8:18 am
AWESOME! Just Like Bay when he did the Spielbay interviews!
May 4th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Seriously, did you swipe that from Michael Bay’s desk/holding cell?
April 27th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Unsurprisingly, this was better than anything Bay could actually come up with.
April 24th, 2009 at 2:04 am
i wanted to laugh…i was hoping it’d be funny seeing as so many people found the need to respond to Dr. Chaos comments…
April 21st, 2009 at 1:54 am
That was fucking brilliant. I lol’d.
April 19th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Dr Chaos,
I have never commented on a website, and will probably never do so again, but the thin veneer of pseudo-education that you like to present in the hopes of gaining ‘followers’ just goaded me right into this. So here goes:
You sir, are an idiot. I do not wish to feed you, but I cannot resist. Your completely moronic statements about cracked having Americanized humor are simply ridiculous, and prove to me that you know absolutely nothing about writing. These writers created their work because they liked it, appreciated the part of themselves that they saw in it, and wished to share that with others. To write to please any specific group, no matter how ‘international’, is simply a commercial, as generic and shitty as the crap on late-night television. And you know what? The most hilarious thing about all of this is that by endorsing the inane idea of shamelessly curbing one’s ambitions and ideas for the sake of what’s popular or wanted, you are standing up for the WORST part of the American culture you pretend to despise. What that says to me is that either you really secretly ARE jealous of America, or you are the most stupid person I have ever heard pretend to be smart. Either way, the fucking Jokes on you buddy.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:37 am
DC is the shit in everyones cut, you know?
April 15th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
The article should be re-titled ‘Transformers: Inevitable Flamewar’
April 15th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Plus by the sounds of you, I bet you couldent fight sleep you fucking goon. Anyone on the internet that says ” I`m going to track you down” or “lets meet up I will beat the shit out of you” is obviously a 110 pound weakling that lives with his parents aged 35 and only lost his virginity when his cousin fell asleep. Fuck all trolls death to you all. Keep up the good work cracked, I love this site
April 15th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Dr Chaos you really do seem to crave attention and like nothing more than slagging off funny, well put together articles when in reality you bring as much to the party as a crack head covered in shit, whilst at the same time being on fire, dripping bile and puke over anyone he comes in contact with, and I can assure you, you are as welcome as the aforementioned crack head. Please take my advice that no one here will give you the real attention you seek and only your absent father/mother/gay lover/pet monkey/butt plug can do so. Failing that throw yourself infront of a train, I assure you it will take away the pain
April 13th, 2009 at 4:47 am
OK, I couldn’t resist and clicked on the link. One of the sections on it’s website was,
“What’s Your Dog Poop IQ?”
Made me laugh a little.
April 13th, 2009 at 4:42 am
“Pet Waste Removal….”
That was probably the weirdest spambot post I’ve seen on this site ever.
April 12th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I don’t know why you people think this is funny-brilliant, because it’s not, it’s insightful-brilliant. Why do I say this? Because Optimus would TOTALLY be such a good dad!
April 12th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Robert, this is you from the future.
I just want you to know that our writing only goes downhill from here.
I’m going to put a gun in my mouth in exactly 4 minutes. You’ll want to too after you find our girlfriend being double teamed by Swaim and O’Brian.
My greatest regret is that we weren’t funny.
Suck my ass,
Robert Brockaway
April 12th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Pet Waste Removal and Pooper Scooper Service for Central Connecticut, Farmington Valley, Connecticut and Hartford, Connecticut Provided by DoodyCalls Pooper Scoopers…
Barbie doll has a dog named Tanner who is just like a real dog! Tanner is soft and fuzzy and her mouth, ears, head and tail really move! You can open Tanner dog’ s mouth and feed her the dog biscuits. Comes with a dog bone and chew toys that Tanner c…
April 11th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
LMAO!!!
To the DoctorChaos that wrote ‘First’, you are a legend in so many ways.
April 10th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
O U FUCKING BASTARDFS!!!
April 10th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
FIRST!!! FUCK YES!!! FINALLY!!! SUCK IT BITCHES!!!
April 10th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Nice Job Brockway… really funny…. Like the machine gun part
“Oh maybe you shouldn’t of shot your mouth off”
Hahaha… that one got me….
April 10th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
lol MAD TITS
April 10th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
has anyone ever seen celebrity fit club? if not…youtube dustin diamond flips out.
i can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt that DoctorChaos and Screech are the same person
bump that fucker, Brockway has it right, ignore that snide little self gratifying turd.
p.s.
lawlz at DOB’s comment
April 10th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Dear followers,
I’ve started a website that combines my three interests: Shitpot pseudo-intellectualism, vocabulary I got off of a word-a-day calendar and dipping a baseball bat in miracle whip and forcing it thick-end first into my pockmarked anus. I’m too proud (And smart!) to pander to you morons by copy-pasting the link into this box, but it’s easy enough to find if you google “WIDE ANUS + UNFUNNY DOUCHEBAG.” Get to it! Now, after I’m done reading every article on a site I loathe I’m going to beat off to a poster of Oscar Wilde quotes. Doctor chaos…away!
April 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
To be honest, I haven’t seen Transformers I or Dark Knight yet. I was amused by the article even though middle-aged moms probably aren’t the intended target demographic. I’m with glendoor in that the “Choose Your Own Adventure…” was so hilarious, I’m still too busy laughing to fully enjoy any new articles.
Whereas I appreciate your admonition to ignore a certain twit, I gotta say, DOB kind of stole your thunder with…
“You’re the best!
Hugs and kisses, stars and wishes,…”.
Hahahahahaha…*snort*…Hahaha…haaaa…*sigh.
April 10th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I’ve always loved Michael Bay’s “confused child” style of film making. And don’t even pretend you wouldn’t see this movie….twice.
Great article by the way….that was epic. I love abridged scripts.
April 10th, 2009 at 4:12 am
leave me the FUCK alone!
April 10th, 2009 at 4:12 am
FUCk u all!!!
April 10th, 2009 at 4:12 am
FUCKSHIT lol haha!
April 9th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Whatever happened to the old adage, “to each his own?” at no point are you required to like anything that is on this site. At times, material on this website is down right hilarious, other times, not nearly as much. Its always hit or miss. You don’t like it, then you don’t like it. But apparently it works for some. It’s not the script to a Monty Python flick. But props should be given, because they are writers on this site, and you aren’t.
And, by the way, its fucking comedy! Its either your brand or it isn’t.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
i like cock
April 9th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
TL;DR
April 9th, 2009 at 11:30 am
That was hilarious Brockway! I would totally see that film though.
April 9th, 2009 at 11:05 am
WOW…could you guys have ripped off Spill’s “Michael Bay’s Rejected Dark Knight Script” ANY more?! Seriously, get your own material.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:15 am
HaHa, Dr. Chaos you got pwned by DOB.
April 9th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Furthermore, I would like to remind everyone that ass-pounding sessions are held at my place, every night from 8-9. It would go later but my mom makes me go to bed at 10 so that I wont be cranky the next morning.
April 9th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Doctorchaos says “I’m assuming my loyal followers will know what posts of mine are actually mine, and which are the fakes.”
Imaginary followers don’t count, please dude get some help, you are sick.
April 9th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Doctor Chaos…get over yourself, yeah?
Your opinion is not valued by anyone =)
April 9th, 2009 at 6:01 am
I would watch assloads of fuck out of this movie.
April 9th, 2009 at 5:30 am
*sigh* Micheal Bay jokes. So… very… lame. And overdone.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:11 am
I like to put pieces of fruit into my poo passage
April 9th, 2009 at 1:47 am
lol
April 9th, 2009 at 1:09 am
I’m assuming my loyal followers will know what posts of mine are actually mine, and which are the fakes.
This of course is not a fake, the one below it however, is.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
DOB, I love your cock in my mouth, with Brockway fucking my ass.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I think I can safely say I speak for all of Australia when i say, SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU RETARD DR.CHAOS. Seriously man, just give it a rest, you have gifted us all with your “contribution” to cracked.com. Like Brockway said, give us some proof of why this article is shit.
Dr.Chaos, you poor fool. It is interesting that you gain pleasure from being a total fuck-wit.
I suggest you prescribe yourself a nice glass of shut the hell up. Im with Glendoor42. Reply to me. Please. If it is at all possible could you make it a logical argument? I will be happy to shut you down.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Pretty damn funny Brockway. Though to tell the truth I had a hard time getting past the hot robot ass at the beginning and I’m still laughing over the line from last weeks column “WHO’S THE GODDAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS TIGER BOAT?” too fucking funny.
Doctor chaos, I really feel so sorry for you. Your life and self image has got to be lower than parasites feeding on whale shit at the lowest point in the Marianas Trench that you are so desperate for attention, any attention, that you feel the need to goad others into telling you that you should die, suck dicks and what not (Though, not necessarily in that order).
That’s just pathetic man and really, when it comes down to it, that’s all you’ve done here. That’s all you’re going to do here. Wow … you’ve annoyed some people. What talent. Hope it made your dick hard dude.
You are really sick and need some help. On the other hand I really don’t want to hear how wonderful you think your life is and what a great self image you “think” you have because you, me and everyone here knows you will be lying.
You know what the funniest thing is? Whether you respond or not to this or even if you totally ignore it you will have proven everything about you I’ve said.
Please for the sake of the people around you in real life get some help. You are sick. Maybe this link will help
http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/welcome/
April 8th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Where the hell is everybody getting these cardboard cutouts of DOB?
April 8th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
1) I would def. see this movie in a second.
2) I’m new to this, but am I the only one who thinks doctorchaos sounds like Dwight from The Office? I’m waiting for his next comment where he refers to the script and how he has written better on his beet farm.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Bruce Lee completely needs to be in a Transformers movie.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
“Look at how many things you are the best at!”
lmao DOB.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
more word of wisdom from the literary genius, doctorchaos….
maybe one day we can all be as evolved as him, but until then we can only observe and look to him for guidance.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Well said DR. C.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Hey everyone, I just wanted to rescind my comment about how Cracked shouldn’t focus on America as its primary audience. After all, America is the BEST COUNTRY EVER, and I love it. Sexually. I am fucking bald eagle using an American flag as a condom RIGHT NOW.
So yes, as America is better than my native Gayfaggistan, other shitty countries such as Australia, Korea, Canada, Finland, China, Johto, Kanto, Ivalice, and especially the United Kingdom, of COURSE you should put out as much America-themed and America-focused comedy as possible, because that is obviously the best type of comedy. All other countries are just jealous.
God Bless the USA.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
It was worth reading the comment section today just to rofl at what DOB said!
“Look at how many things you are the best at!”
..lmao!
April 8th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
That confused snail bit would be funny in Scary Movie 5 or something similar…and probably the ONLY funny bit.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Hi I’m a dumb bitch who criticicizes other peoples pieces of comedy when the comedy I could write is probably just the equivalent of writing POOP in capital letters and taping it to someone’s back
April 8th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
http://www.whycindywhy.com/?id=my451uo8b2×45tghnj1pu8ij9vk16e
April 8th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
This script is probably better than the one used for the actual film.
Brilliant work.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
hey yeah i think optimus would make such a cool dad too.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
FAKE
April 8th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
The concept of confusing a snail amused me greatly.
April 8th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Comments should be disabled because they let morons like me make them. Having said that, I thought this was funny as hell. Very well done.
April 8th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
What …. the…. hell…
April 8th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
That was freaking hilarious, especially the “You can call me…father” bit.
April 8th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
*dob
April 8th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Fuck don and his gay lover brockway. It seems you didn’t quite punch those words on this here article.Fag
April 8th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
1/10!
Not only was your post plagued with typos (type in word and copy paste?) but you admitted you were a troll. That 1 is simply for being a douche bag. You can’t win on that alone.
Doctorchaos, YOU know you can do better. You’d better step it up for your next post after you get back from work where you do physical things and get paid for it. As opposed to doing immaterial or mental stuff? Hmmm, made some bad life choices? Anyways, I await your next attempt.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I would watch that
April 8th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
The problem with this is that it’s such a good impression of something that sucks, it kind of sucks itself.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
So I guess I’m not alone in thinking that maybe Bay went a bit too far in ramping up Megan Fox’s T&A factor in the first movie? From what I’ve seen, whoring her up only served to piss off any women who might have agreed to actually check TF out.
Seriously, he just didn’t need to go there - he had a lock on the male demographic when he decided to do a movie featuring the world’s most beloved giant shapeshifting robot warriors from space. There are already plenty of movies with hot women in them, but thus far there’s only two with Optimus Prime.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
That wasn’t too funny actually. I know boob jokes are as funny as dick jokes, but you can’t just through them out there. Although the Statue of Liberty winking at the camera would be a good ending to a Transformers movie…maybe not the transformation part though.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Dr. C,
You’re totally a trend setter with your everyone else are sheep comments and other tired remarks.
I wish I could be like you.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I liked the article. Doesn’t that count for anything? :’(
April 8th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Okay Brockway I lied, I read his last one and I HAVE to feed this bitch because I have a question.
Mr. DoctorChaos, have you ever considered that they may be writing purely for the joy of writing internet comedy? That this is their form of comedy, Americanized or not, and that they’re not trying to “appeal to the international community”? Do they really have to be bread and butter for everyone? You should capitalize on your ideas, and start your own site that appeals to the international community. Have it house comedians from across the globe and satisfy international minds if that’s your ideal world, rather than trying to single handedly change the comedic stylings of an entire site. Just a thought. There’s my fodder, chew on it like the pig you are. Peace out brah, have fun with your blowup dolls and cardboard cutouts of DOB. This is the last you’ll hear from me.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
hahahahah! “I spilled my juice =(”. Brockway, you make my day, this was brilliant.
DOB that was fucking hilarious. Brockway, you’ve convinced me to stop reading his comments, although the “I could kick DOB’s ass” comment had me rofl given that I picture him as this scrawny little troll that hasn’t seen tits or ass, let alone sunlight, in years. I mean, who else would continue to read and comment on a site they hate except for those that can’t get attention any other way? He uses a large vocabulary and good grammar to try and make it -seem- as though he’s superior to us all and that he’s got untold knowledge on why everything on cracked.com lacks creativity and hilarity, without ever really explaining -why- it isn’t funny. Hopefully if we all act with a hive mind and stop responding to him (since honestly, we’ve all shot him down and ripped apart his comments quite intelligently, and he’s still here) he’ll finally slink back into his cave.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
This is what, the fourth or fifth mock screenplay Cracked has run?
April 8th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Haha… Doctorchaos is funny…
April 8th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
It’s like I was watching it in a theater! You know, the ones with those teenagers up front that talk over everything that’s going on because common courtesy was too hard for their parents to teach them? JUST LIKE THAT! Genius.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
YES YES YES. Oh man… Brockway, you have been on a freakin’ roll lately. This almost sounds like Bad Boys II but with more mad tits!!!
April 8th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
DOH that should be “les than 12 months” to double your average readership, see what happens when you don’t have a good editor, you get mis-prints…….and articles featuirng satirical mock scripts.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
To Capecoddan.
ZING! You totally pwned me there dude, as expected. You don’t think I left all those open doors in my comment because I can’t think ahead do you. No indeed. You are just what I needed, someone to pick up on a possible response and reply. You are a class 1 Trollfeeder, and It tastes good (OMG there’s another one). Your posts are caviar and stuffed duck to me, and I won’t tell PETA if you wont.
BROCKWAY: Thanks for the fan mail, as for the article YOU know you can do better. You know you weren’t entirely satisfied with that effort and you know it’s an old tired idea that has been done to death on many other websites, but you knew DOB wouldn’t care and stick it up anyways, because HE knows that the baying idiots that follow you would post positive feedback to anything you did, because theyre mostly morons. And as for breakdowns and analysis I have done that once or twice, you obviously just haven’t followed my career enough, and to do it again would just be annoying to me, I was busy last night having gay sex with a cardboard cut out of DOB so, you know, time was limited.
Also Dre would kick my ass, I’m not that tough, just a lot tougher than DOB, or in otherwirds as tough as the average 16 year old.
As for my comments not effecting people, you’re right, and wrong. People such as you and DOB are no doubt immune, however, and they probably won’t admit this, but Gladstone and SWAIM have the personalities that have been, even if it’s only just a small amount, affected by my scathing criticisms in the past. Not much mind you, but enough to give them a momentary thought of self doubt once in a while.
Why am I hassling you guys? Well for one thing I haven’t Trolled a good solid site for a long time now and I was getting hungry, but also because I LIKE Cracked. It makes my breakfast more amusing and I know it can be a whole lot better if it gets it’s shit sorted and really thinks about it’s place in the Universe. Right now, everything you guys do is too Americanised. You’re based in America, you have American staff and contributors (and Canadian yes, but it’s all the same land mass to us), and your humour is very American, that being weak and pathetic like your beer.
If you guys had a REAL good think abot it, and if the people who owned your site had half a fucking clue about anything, then you’d make a few changes, increase your international appeal, in fact focus on that for a year, and then be completely surprised when you double your average viewers in less than 2 months.
However, being typical Americans, you refuse to even acknowledge the fact that maybe something about you isn’t 100% perfect, and have NEVER considered that people don’t like you, and that the entire world is your potential audience and they don’t come back and visit you because you’re basically one big red white and blue douchebag fansite.
I could go on but I have to go to work, real work that is where I do physical things and get paid for it (that one was for you again capecoddan, how about some sharks fin soup for dinner).
And DOB, nice comment as always, look forward to seeing you in The Pacifier part 2, Diapers of Doom, later this year.
April 8th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Nice sidenotes.
“I spilled my juice :’(”
April 8th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
That movie would be awesome.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Come on, guys!
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=trolling
I’d give him a 3/10, but only because he can spell.
By the way, hilarious article and mad tits!
April 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
LOL Transformers 2 a.k.a TEH BEST MOVIE EVUR! a.k.a TITS GO BOOM BOOM
April 8th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I would pay to watch this… twice.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
o well “DAN” ,if thats even your real name, spill’s article is a lot more boring and doesent have any MAD TITS or HOT FEMALE ASS
but the concept is kind of ripped of
shame on you brockway, stealing other peoples work and making it better
April 8th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
My god when I read the side note “I spilled my juice :(” I nearly feel off my chair! That is the perfect movie…but needs more megan fox.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Is the Statue of Liberty holding a sword a Kafka reference?
Because if so, HOLY SHIT, I didn’t see that coming.
April 8th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Dan - Yeah… Except for the whole different movie/different script thing…
Not their fault Michael Bay’s easy to make fun of.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:42 am
This is a pretty blatant rip off Spill.com’s “rejected Michael Bay Dark Knight script”
http://my.spill.com/profiles/blog/show?id=947994%3ABlogPost%3A355506
April 8th, 2009 at 11:41 am
This was great…exactly what I think a script by bey would read like. The side notes are hilarious, and the tone is pitch perfect. On a side note though, is it wrong that i would probably watch this fucking movie? I mean any movie that shows a bunch of Megan Fox titties can’t be all that bad….
April 8th, 2009 at 11:39 am
“My God! The prophecy is true!” I thought I was going to die I was laughing so hard at this part.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I’m sorry to tell you this Nick, but, you’re gay…
April 8th, 2009 at 11:02 am
personally, i didn’t think i had it in me to read the whole thing. but the comedy just kept on coming. well written.
unfortunately, im saddened by mr. brockway’s direct response to doctor chaos (if it was indeed his actual response.) doctorchaos sucked the writer in, essentially winning this battle. DOB’s response (if it was indeed actually DOB) was better suited to this grab bag of inane feedback and useless commentary.
however, since it appears that anyone can enter comments with any “(required) Name”, I doubt that any of these author responses are legit, much as I have doubts that the real and verbose doctorchaos would reply in one sentence, all capital letters statements.
in summary, i like cracked.com
April 8th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I never really got what was so great about Megan Fox.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Doctorchaos = fail troll is fail.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:36 am
a robot that sounds like T-Pain would be awesome for the soundtrack.
Get three robots that sound like the lonely island dudes and we got action-comedy gold.
how about soundwave being that boombox that makes white people dance?
April 8th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I HAVE NO PENIS!
April 8th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Robert Brockway guess what I’M ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKER!
That was awesome.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:40 am
That was great, Brockway. Although I must say your comment addressed to Doctorchaos made my life. As did DOB’s. You people are just awesome.
I must agree with the general consensus here, it’s pretty obvious that Doctorchaos wants to suck dicks and get ass-raped. I won’t judge his flaming homosexual-ness, though. I’d feel bad. Almost. As bad as I would feel for punting a puppy into the face of a crying baby.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Robot hookers were done better and earlier in futurama.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:18 am
im highly entertained. well done brockway.
doctorchaos, dont be a pussy and stand by your convictions, regardless of how many dicks you may suck
April 8th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I feel like I’ve just read the script to “Transformer Movie”.
Yet in words I laugh. Why do my eyes bleed when I actually watch one of those franchises?
Oh yes. Satire and a functioning irony neuron. That’s you Brockway. You function the hell out of those neurons!
April 8th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on ___Tallconnect C o M___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
April 8th, 2009 at 8:59 am
robot hookers……….been done in A.I.(that movie with the whiney little brat called haley joel osmont)
Stanley Kubrick along with steven speilberg made that movie, if hollywoods best makes movies with robot hookers, then brockways script is pretty much standard fare.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:55 am
i liked this script, more original than spiderman 3, and a hell of a lot better than “disaster movie”.
doctor chaos is an attention whore, he feeds on our insults, the best thing is to ignore him.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Sai Brockway, kudos to you for putting that out there. Both the article and the response to Dr. Chaos. Can we all start ignoring him now?
What about a stripper-bot? Has that been mentioned? Like robot stippers. And hookers.
And trannies.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:49 am
This joke is way over done.. Bay sucks and people make fake scripts like this all the time. Nothing new here move along
April 8th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Is it bad that I thought that the Statue of Liberty secretly being a Transformer with a sword might be the best ending to a Transformers ending that you could possibly have?
April 8th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Ha! Joke’s on you. Michael Bay doesn’t have any rejected scripts.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:22 am
“He is truly an auteur”
… you may not have punched that word hard enough.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:22 am
DISREGARD MY PREVIOUS COMMENTS, AS I SUCK COCKS.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Ha, this was pretty funny. Usually I don’t like whenever the columnists release something thats not just standard text (I’m weird like that, I guess) but I took the time to read this it was hilarious (especially part with the snail shrug).
April 8th, 2009 at 8:11 am
This has always baffled me: Why does DoctorChaos get so much attention? He is quite clearly just a troll, and not a particularly good one at that. Is it solely because he’s the most prolific?
Negative comments only ever really hurt if there’s some hint of truth to them, some aspect of their criticisms that has validity. Otherwise it’s just more retards spouting vapid bullshit, and that is so easily ignored. So tell me, when has DoctorChaos ever said anything relevant? All I’ve ever seen him say is “this was bad! Me no like bad! Bad things bad rawrrr!”
He has never cited any actual reason why a piece doesn’t work, never given any specifics on his “I would sit you down and tell you what you’re doing wrong” mantra. He just says that he could tell you those things, but never does. At the end of his first post down there, he even states that he’s “not even going to bother elaborating or explaining,” and do you know why?
Because he can’t.
Because if he starts trying to explain something, then you could address those issues and counter his arguments. If he actually says something, he’s going to look stupid. So he says nothing: A lot of words but no content. And that should make him easily dismissed. He’s a shitty troll because the people he wants to affect have no reason to be affected by anything he says, so why are people still get worked up over it? He just left a comment on the internet talking about how tough he is and that he would fight somebody if they ever met in real life! That’s like the single oldest tell of the sad, loudmouthed blowhard on the internet. If you see his name, just skip over the comment; there’s nothing there to read anyway.
I seriously doubt DoctorChaos has made any author here reconsider their work, or feel the slightest bit bad about themselves for a second, so don’t worry yourselves on our account. The only thing that upset me in the comments section here was Dre’s response, because that was a god damn good line and it made me feel like shit that I missed it. If you’re looking to fight with somebody, go get Dre for one-upping me.
That son of a bitch.
April 8th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Guess what? I was joking, I love every article on this site HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IM GAY
April 8th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Lol, what’s almost as funny as the article is all this doctorchaos business. It’s obvious the guy wants O’Brien’s dick. (P.S. moar like doctorGAYos, amirite?)
April 8th, 2009 at 8:04 am
rainbow party at doctor chaos house!
April 8th, 2009 at 8:04 am
omg, the line that got me was “…unless somebody knows how to confuse a snail…”
April 8th, 2009 at 8:01 am
well that was a long winded argument doctor chaos, i wouldn’t expect anything less from a man trying to cover up his homer sexual feelings.(i can make a simpsons refrence to)
but lets brake down your argument here.
ok, the first paragraph: all i got out of it is you stare at DOB picture and think of Christmas ornaments(sounds a little you know)
Second paragraph: you want DOB to come to your house and physically punish you. even go so far as to send him your address and offer to give him a ride from the airport. (do i even have to say it){say it} (do i have to) {yes} (ok, sounds a little homoerotic, like so homoerotic fanfiction).
3rd paragraph: this one is interesting you say “If he attempted to get violent I’d slowly and carefully kick his ass” this to me implies two things,
first you you want to do something slowly carefully to DOB ass(see above)
and secondly you want it to be an all night thing(butt sex i am talking about butt sex)
the rest of this paragraph talks about you setting dates on your calendar when you will see him next, and sitting him down and talking to him.
4th paragraph: you talk about him being a lover not a fighter, and how you like to see him in a video game (probably shirtless)
5th paragraph: this whole paragraph is you denying your feelings for DOB, after a what surmounts to a summary of a short story of fan fiction that sounds a lot like broke back mountain. Finally ending with you offering your mouth to DOB nuts. ending with “(Answer: not very far indeed).” i think you forgot to add the *~wink at the end
then the last 2 lines basically sound like you need DOB to add a nice load of salty goodness with those nuts your craving and what was the last line suppose to be the sound of you gobbling on nuts?
April 8th, 2009 at 8:00 am
haha…DOB comment is the best ever.
but be very very careful…i sense doctorchaos is a dangerous, witty foe.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:59 am
I loved the part where the camera accidentally zooms too far in and looks at a snail. I think that would be legitimately funny.
Also, needs more MAD TITS.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:59 am
That actually sounds like an awesome movie.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:56 am
lol. Dr. Chaos is hilarious. I’d put him in the same category as white ninja. except white ninja is way smarter and Dr. only ‘thinks’ he is.
the article, not the best but not everything can be the best.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:50 am
“Oh Robot Snap!”
My sides literally split open at that. I need sutures. Immediately.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Nice! I would watch that just for all the Megan Fox nudity
April 8th, 2009 at 7:41 am
DOB you are pretty much my hero. =)
April 8th, 2009 at 7:39 am
@DoctorChaos-
More terrific feedback, buddy! Thanks! You’re like a feedback machine that never breaks! I’ll have a call with Brockway today and make sure, as per your request, he stops writing shitty stuff and starts writing only the stuff that YOU like. From now on, I swear. Look for it tomorrow. You are the best writer!
Also, my GOODNESS, you sound tough. I wouldn’t want to fight you, because I believe that you are very very strong. You are also the best fighter! Look at how many things you are the best at!
You’re the best!
Hugs and kisses, stars and wishes,
Daniel.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:34 am
i totally didn’t read it, but i’m sure it’s great.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Dear Doctorchaos,
Go die.
Sincerely,
- Everyone but you
April 8th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I would watch this movie.
I would watch this movie so hard.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:24 am
“That took me two weeks!”
best line. This is gold.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Apologies, that link I posted seems to come up with a different page than the one I copied the URL from, I think the one I was looking at is an older version or a sub-page.
However you can see DOB here, apparently comparing himself to spider-man.
http://twitter.com/DOB_INC
April 8th, 2009 at 7:18 am
We also woud have accepted *EXPLOSIONS” with a scribble note on the side that says “good, but needs more epxlosions”.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Dear Capecoddan.
As the delightful Edna Krabappel would say: “HA!”
http://www.cracked.com/members/daniel.
Look at that link, there’s a pic of DOB in it. Do you see how harmless he is. He’s about as threatening as a christmas tree ornament, I doubt he could lift my screen let alone throw it, and right now I’m only using a 15 inch flat screen.
If DOB wished to come and see me in person and physically punish me then I welcome the visit. I will email him with my address and I will in fact borrow a car from work and pick him up from the airport. (I’d use my own vehicle but it’s currently 5000KM’s to the right of me, about 3 time zones away in another country).
If he attempted to get violent I’d slowly and carefully kick his ass so far into next year they’d have time to actually make a note of the landing on next years calendars. However, while he was here I’d sit him down and tell him exactly what he’s doing wrong and how he is failing and what he could do to vastly improve the contributions to this site and increase it’s readership by quite a significant degree.
Alas I do believe DOB is more of a diplomat than a powerful champion of physical justice and would be as effective in mortal combat as a wet newspaper. However his complete lack of physical presence would also render him less effective in this field of expertise as well.
As for Tea Bagging I don’t think either of us would like that, because if you hadn’t picked it up so far, I’m not a big fan of gay people or their activities, although it’s highly probable DOB is so maybe he’d take the risk and see how far he could get. (Answer: not very far indeed).
Thank you however for your suggestion, it needed a bit more salt though.
Om Nom Nom Nom.
April 8th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Doctor Chaos, I don’t think you’re suited for this site, because it has comedy on it. You know, the stuff that causes laughter in humans and over dramatic hate-filled flaming in internet trolls.
Bravo, Brockway. Punch the heck out of those words.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:59 am
“Hi there, you are through to my answer phone thing, I am not in right now..Oh yeah, this is Michael Bay..Anyway leave a message if you want to when you …. BEEEEP!”
“Hey Michael!! Vast Hollywood Studio here! Just saw your script on that cracked site and DAMN it Michael, you are on FIRE!! So glad that you took on board our hints that you make the next project less retarded! Anyway, we will go ahead with this, priority #1! There is a fleet of armored cars on its way to you with $323,354,574,782,802,665,293,023,854 cash, buddy. See you at the office tomorrow!”
April 8th, 2009 at 6:59 am
I’m not reading all that, it’s too long and nothing grabbed my attention early on. I did enjoy looking at drawings of boobs though, so I can only suppose some amount of thanks are in order.
*polite golf clap*
April 8th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Thank good Brockway sound less like DOB, and more like a sociopath bent for comedy destruction
April 8th, 2009 at 6:55 am
Now you know a Lambo would not work. This one has to be an extended GM commercial like the last movie.
God what a bad movie.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:55 am
awww cracked, if i didnt have you to look forward to with your wimpsical, “i dont give a shit if we get in trouble writing” every morning i would probaly have gone all postie offie on my office.
side note doctorchaos, umm if you dont find humor in this i am pretty sure you can go to youtube and type in nut shots and watch that mundane bullshit over and over again and laugh your ass off cause apparantly you cant get over your latent homosexuality. i bet if brockway added in 3 hours of optimus prime fucking another autobot you would be praising him. And next time you want to insult a cracked writer, i would leave dob out of it, because he might come throw your screen and teabag you……oh wait thats what you wanted isint it
April 8th, 2009 at 6:49 am
I’m sorry the iodine is so ineffective Doctorchaos. Perhaps you should attempt to gouge your eyes out with a fork instead, or you know, just drink a tall glass of fucking bleach so I won’t have to read your dipshit comments after posting.
Anyone who actually says phrases like “pure written bile” or “useless ass bandit” is a fucking tool and the fact that he was not rendered deaf and blind upon being born is proof that there is no God.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Yeah, needs like 200 more explosions to be a true Michael Bay movie. But it was still pretty damn funny.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:38 am
I think Robert Brockway might be my favorite Cracked writer. I lost it at “T Pain” and “Oh robot snap”… and also “I spilled my juice =(”.
This was fucking epic as shit.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:36 am
WOW.
I’d like to say that was the most awe inspiring piece of work I’ve ever read on Cracked. I’d also like to say my life is so much the better for reading this valuable contribution to the literary history of mankind as a whole. I’d like to further say, if I may, that without pieces of “art” such as this, our planet would no doubt decay into a writhing cesspit of illiteracy and chaos.
I’d like to say all of this.
However I cannot, because I would be fucking lying.
This “contribution” is the BIGGEST load of shit I’ve ever had the misfortune to witness on this website. Compared to Brockway, SWAIM and Gladstone are fucking GODS. (DOB is still a pathetic sack of shit in comparison, but a lighter pathetic sack of shit). I’m currently sitting here with a small vial of Iodine and I’m periodically swabbing my fucking eyeballs with it, hoping to somehow erase the retinal scarring this article has caused me.
I’m not even going to bother elaborating or explaining exactly why and how this is pure written bile, because I doubt it would make any difference to you, or the useless ass bandit that approved it for publication.
Oh, by the way where the fuck is Network?
April 8th, 2009 at 6:10 am
[...] article up at Cracked, wherein I gun for that most controversial of targets: Michael Bay. I know! I’m so close to the Edge I could be Bono’s dick. Digg it here if you got soul. [...]
April 8th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Not enough car chases. Or explosions. It can’t be a Michael Bay film.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:01 am
“Should sound like T-Pain” Brilliant.
I’d go see it.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Robert Brockway. I want you to send this to Hollywood. This movie needs to happen. It’s like the next Airplane! but better. So. Much. Better.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:49 am
I would watch the parts with Megan Fox’s MAD TITS on a loop.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:42 am
I’d watch that just for Megan Fox’s mad tits and ass.
Actually, it DOES sound like something Bay would do…
April 8th, 2009 at 5:27 am
You know what’s terrible about the new Cracked? The GD light grey font on white background. Look above: The script is easy to read, the preceding paragraph is not.
Come on Cractacular, get with it. It being my retinas.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:12 am
i would definitely see this if it was a movie
April 8th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Robert Brockway = best cracked writer since David Wong
April 8th, 2009 at 4:49 am
I love the “I’m on a boat” references sprinkled throughout the script.
April 8th, 2009 at 4:45 am
**Note to special effects department** Need extra explosions and extra transformers doing cool shit in the background.
**Storyline note**
Plus, introduce some plot element that’s completely awesome, then never mention it again!
April 8th, 2009 at 4:31 am
This was incredible. This was actally really, really fantastic. And, even though it didn’t make me laugh nearly as loud as a lot of the other parts did (I swear, there will be sexy robot lady transformer letters that explode allll ooovveer the sequel, even when there’s nothing to actually spell), I think my favourite part was the ‘I spilled my juice’ bit.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:59 am
Fucking expert word punching. More like word anhialation.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:24 am
Wow, that was awesome. So much better than the actual Transformers 2 is going to be.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:12 am
This just about the funniest thing I’ve ever read, ever.
April 8th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Meghan Fox pole dancing..
Yes plz.