If Men's Magazines Were Honest
The following is a true story.
For several years I wrote for a magazine called Electronic Gaming Monthly. I was awesome. This magazine was purchased by a company that owes me about $10,000 from the early days of the Internet where I was first awesome. This next part might have been a coincidence and NOT a second attack at me personally, but they shut down EGM and replaced every reader's subscription with Maxim. Many of these readers said, "Can I instead have my money back?" These readers all got checks for the remaining part of their subscription. These checks bounced.
My first thought was, "Duh." My second thought was, "Not only does Maxim still exist, they have enough money to passive aggressively tell millions of people to fuck themselves!" I decided I wanted to get in on that kind of success, so I put together my own men's magazine: Tits for Men. It sucks, but so will the endangered species I buy to put on the end of my dick! Below are some of the page proofs from the launch issue.
I feel insane after experiencing this article. Bat-shittingly insane.
ReplyHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. THIS IS A DOCUMENTARY!!!!!
ReplyA Seanbaby article I didn't find funny.
ReplyYou must be smoking crack good sir! Haha!
I still miss EGM. SO MUCH. And "The Rest of the Crap" was like the best part of it. I wish Seanbaby would write more reviews of awful video games. And I most certainly did NOT want my subscription to EGM replaced with a subscription to Maxim. Especially since I'm female, but I really don't think I would like Maxim even if I was a male. Though one time I read an article in Maxim by some guy whose addiction to steroids made him so constipated that he literally cut open his own ass to get it out. That was actually pretty funny. And that was the only mildly entertaining thing I ever saw in an issue of Maxim.
ReplyI don't understand people who start a profile (which they never revisit) just so that they can b***h about a single column or article. I'm not sure what it is they could be wasting but I'm certain that somewhere out there a finite resource dwindles a little more every time a miserable person starts a cracked profile to voice their impotent outrage.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI doubt making new profiles does anything but take up a little space on a server for 4 to 5 months till they deactivate it for lack of activity.
- Your personal adviser I mean advisor (***k I spelled it with an "o" now I have to make another account).
Yea making new accounts does nothing!!!! Did I just make two accounts so I could b***h about you, yea. Though if you consider intelligence a finite resource then it is dwindling every time you get on your fancy computer and make hypocritical statements.
- Your personal adviser (yea I got a F***ing "E" in there now b***h)
MViceroy, I do hereby declare that you are crowned king of trolls, and given a throne from which to hurl your godlike quips (read: lightning bolts) at mere mortals.
Look, I normally love every cracked article I read, but I just didn't find this one funny at all. Not least of which, because rape is never funny (and I do understand that they're poking fun at the men's magazine's, and NOT directly at the act of rape), but as I say, I didn't smile once, let alone laugh at any of this.
ReplyNot saying it's stupid, not saying it's the worst article ever written in Cracked history; Just saying that I didn't find it entertaining or ammusing in any way whatsoever...
Rape is always funny. Don't be so bitter, or at least quit being raped so much, duh.
If I might respond and not be retarded, the act of rape isn't funny. Making jokes at the expense of misogynistic sub-cultures can be funny. I think this article is funny, and accurate (Maxim creeps me out like a weird uncle). But you posted almost a year ago and probably won't read this. Anyway, nice day huh?
..why all the rape jokes?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBecause men's magazines are basically pro-rape manifestos, except they're not trying to be funny.
MEN ARE RAPE
Have you ever seen the cover to an issue of Maxim? The jokes in this article aren't meant to be taken at face value, but supposed to be mocking "men's" magazines.
Next time you are at a grocery store check out some of the men's magazines, then read through this again, you'll see there is actually very little difference.
Yeah, if you read the 'top 8 things we'd like to do to celebrity beach bodies bit' it really is just a less indirect way of saying all the same things that they do in those mags. I especially love how it just devolves into Blgglglbgbgglgllbg. Seriously though imagine how pissed you'd be if your EGM subsciption was just spontaneously swapped for a mens mag. The least they could have done was replace them with a similar gaming magazine.
You really need to leave Gary Busey alone.
ReplyHe's kinda sorta asking for ridicule, so... no... :P
But he tried to take over a missile cruiser dressed in drag. If that's not evil, I don't know what is.
the only one that interested me was the one of the guy, then again im gay so yeah... lol
Reply Hide All See All 8 Repliesthen nobody cares about your opinion.
agreed. f*g
Grow up Albert and freak.
no one's cared about AlbertFish's input since he started posting on Cracked
Let him be. He's a sad man.
Agreed... with OP. I just saw him and that message, which I of course assume is talking about /my/ ass, and this article got at least 20% better.
Agreed! BTW I just lost any respect I might have had for Maxim.
WE GET IT. YOU'RE GAY.
Don't care. Why would you want to announce that in such a way? Hets don't run around screaming "I'M TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL".
Got no problem with other sexualities, but, jeez. We get it...
Actually hets do that literally all the time. Everybody does. Which is ironic, cause unless you are asexual or f**k horses or something your sexuality is literally the least interesting thing about you. Everybody has one, get over it.
[...] men’s magazines were honest they’d print this [...]
ReplyJon, you are a moron, you lack a sense of humor, and you sound like an unbelievably pussy-whipped shell of an echo of what a real man should sound like.
Replyaye
Chill, Jon. This article isn't about men. It's about men's MAGAZINES.
Replywow my girl friend read this article and wanted to go fuck, nicely done and thank you.
ReplyThis is the best plug for any article you could possibly have.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
ReplyThat was amazing! write more like this.
This guy is a pathetic, bitter asshole who apparently has no qualms about throwing the entire male gender (which is already struggling to maintain an identity in our country) under the bus because of his own personal conflicts. Someone needs to tell this guy to grow up, hire a lawyer and take whomever he needs to court, like a real American!
ReplyDude, we, the men are fine. Dont try to put the whole drama crap into the male gender.
Real Americans suck, lose and then lie about having done either.
“pancakes shaped like cock”
Replylol...i wanna see that.
FYI: I enjoyed reading the comments more then the article. Jolly good show folks <3 Deff. the most entertaining thing about this page!
naise stuff! lol
Reply@Bloodvyper: let's start it up again!
ReplyHow can forcing yourself on a woman be rape? They are intellectually inferior to men. That's like saying having sex with a dog is rape. A stupid, fat dog who won't stop barking or shitting itself.
In my experience, it's actually pretty rare for women to s**t unceasingly during sex. However, the barking is indeed often a problem.
I am extremely disappointed I missed the feminist flame war when this article was posted.
ReplyDear douchebags:
ReplyGet a sense of humor. This is a comedy site.