The following is a true story.
For several years I wrote for a magazine called Electronic Gaming Monthly. I was awesome. This magazine was purchased by a company that owes me about $10,000 from the early days of the Internet where I was first awesome. This next part might have been a coincidence and NOT a second attack at me personally, but they shut down EGM and replaced every reader’s subscription with Maxim. Many of these readers said, “Can I instead have my money back?” These readers all got checks for the remaining part of their subscription. These checks bounced.
My first thought was, “Duh.” My second thought was, “Not only does Maxim still exist, they have enough money to passive aggressively tell millions of people to fuck themselves!” I decided I wanted to get in on that kind of success, so I put together my own men’s magazine: Tits for Men. It sucks, but so will the endangered species I buy to put on the end of my dick! Below are some of the page proofs from the launch issue.
This entry was posted on Thursday, October 15th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Maxim, Sex, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 18th, 2009 at 11:09 am
“pancakes shaped like cock”
lol…i wanna see that.
FYI: I enjoyed reading the comments more then the article. Jolly good show folks <3 Deff. the most entertaining thing about this page!
November 13th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
naise stuff! lol
November 13th, 2009 at 6:55 am
Here is a great place——- Cougarmatching.com ——- It’s a premiere cougar dating community for older women seeking younger men and young men seeking cougars. Come in, post a message, a picture of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You will find someone you like here…
November 12th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
@Bloodvyper: let’s start it up again!
How can forcing yourself on a woman be rape? They are intellectually inferior to men. That’s like saying having sex with a dog is rape. A stupid, fat dog who won’t stop barking or shitting itself.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I am extremely disappointed I missed the feminist flame war when this article was posted.
November 10th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I got my first EGM in 2000, and kept getting 2 year subscriptions. Then, I renewed it just before the Wolverine game Cover, wen’t to Mega64.com and they broke the news to me that EGM was dead.
5 months later, I get a Maxim, and a postcard explaining what Seanbaby said, and the remainder of my EGM sub would go straight to Maxim.
I’m 16, and my mom is the one who showed me. Awkward…
November 10th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS
November 10th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Dear douchebags:
Get a sense of humor. This is a comedy site.
November 10th, 2009 at 4:56 am
http://www.maxim.com/humor/stupid-fun/84981/if-crackedcom-was-honest.html
November 7th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
James:
Since you aren’t reading this the FBI has agreed to let me release this earth-shattering piece of information. Since you’re not reading there’s no need to brace yourself: You’re a fag.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Maxim is fucking stupid because there’s no nudity
Playboy at least has nudity and a little class
November 4th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
tom hanks hair WAS awful.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
To have your monthly dose of Mario Bros. cheats replaced by a magazine filled with women must be a harsh reminder that you’ve never touched one.
My heart goes out to you, Seanbaby
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:54 am
Phillip, stop being such an attention-seeking ass.
This article is awful. The smug, self-satisfied “get over yourself, anyone who doesn’t like this article” comments are worse.
case in point why I usually avoid comment sections. Definitely not coming back to this site again.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I had a subscription to Blender magazine and apparently it’s been discontinued. So instead I got Maxim in the mail this month. It was super awkward because I’m 17 and my mom saw it.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I just read this whole article, and I still don’t get where this huge rape argument comes from. I was mildly surprised when I saw that someone turned the comments page into a wankfest. Obviously someone is reading far too much into this and is so egotistical they think that everything evolves around them and their problems. Seriously, the article has nothing to do with rape and is not aimed at you personally. I know that’s difficult for you to understand, but perhaps you should. It will make your life much easier.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:23 am
No woman has ever been raped.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Why do they still let Seanbaby write articles?
October 29th, 2009 at 4:59 am
It’s nice to have your name used for a cheeseburger! Thanks!
October 27th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
There was a reason Seanbaby was on the last page of EGM, and now I know why.
Someone has to fill the garbage quota on Cracked; Well done sir!
October 26th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
rape rules ftw!!
October 25th, 2009 at 1:25 am
That is pure genius, the laughter inside my body is snarling at the cage to be released.
October 24th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
you are all so pathetic, I hope someone laughs at my pain, too. At least somebody wins!
October 24th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA crack! its almost too funny! say it again!
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Seanbaby recieves one free blowjob, redeemable from me or any member of my family at any moment. And since at some point in history, we’re all related, I guess it means he can orally rape someone and I won’t get in the least bit upset.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Unabomber and Vagina Dentata references. Classy.
But the comments section STOLE THE SHOW.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:56 am
You people who don’t think this article is funny are wrong. RAPED WRONG!
October 21st, 2009 at 6:42 am
Loved it. Your best article yet.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:20 am
Why’s everyone in such a twist? It’s a parody of Maxim. Get mad at them instead. And fuck EGM for assuming all their readers are men (and meathead dudebros to boot).
October 20th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Will “The Rest of the Crap” column be featured in your new magazine?
October 20th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I didn’t realise there were so many soulless people who existed. The only people who are empty behind the eyes and everywhere else are you people who find rape funny. I will leave you all now to get on with your sad pathetic lives perving over women. What a fulfilling life you all must lead. I hope someone laughs at your pain someday and then we’ll see how funny it is. Not even gonna look back on here for any replies to this comment its not even worth it
October 20th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I personally don’t see the problems with this article that other people seem to be pointing out. I don’t think the article downplays the horror of an actual rape in any way, and I’m confident the writer of the article would agree. It’s simply a mockery of the mindset of not only the “magazine” and people who write/edit/otherwise involve themselves in the production of it, but also the kind of men such magazines are aimed at. I laughed hysterically at this article because of that, it’s quite blatantly a joke.
(Interesting fact about more men being raped in US prisons than females outside of incarceration, I honestly didn’t know that.)
Incidentally, I’m working on a dissertation regarding feminism and it’s impact on society in the US and upon England as well. For reasons of potentially being labelled either a Chauvanist or a ‘traitor to the cause’, I’m not going to disclose my gender. Presently, however, Feminism seems to have caused more problems than it has solved. Protecting and enshrining the rights of women at the expense of the stability of the remainder of society, and a collapse of traditional family values, which of course, affects women just as much as men (all things being equal). In short, (If I might condense unaccountable hours into a few words) Feminism, at least from the 70’s - and as BGH122 quite exceptionally pointed out) has only benefitted the Misandrists and various other specific groups, and only insofar as to fuel beliefs the common person (irrespective of gender) would consider fanatical.
So bringing this to an actual point vaguely relevant (and of course, contrary) to what most feminists on here are so eager to discuss. Feminism has actually costed more than it has gained.
(Disclaimer: I have no objection to equality, so long as it actually is equality, simply that it has gone too far.)
October 20th, 2009 at 12:32 am
@London: From one girl to another, it sounds like you need to have a Midol Double Fudge cocktail and chill out. Cracked is bound to offend you one way or another, if you can’t handle it then you should stay off the internet and stop giving the rest of us a bad name.
Also, grow the hell up and learn to take a joke.
@Abby & AKazikian: lolz.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:24 am
first time poster here in crack and feel compelled to point out and reiterate facts that have already been said before:
This is satire: comedic humor that intends to make fun of the absurd circumstances that happen in real life. Don’t get mad at the satirist, it’s actually the circumstances being satired that your actually angry about (for pizzacat, the dense feminutjob, down below)
most comedic works (especially satire) are quite effective if they remain irreverent (revering nothing, they can make fun of almost everything to great effect). Steve Brule pointed out that the rape reference was done to drive home the point of the satirized mens mag.
Again, the distasteful reference is meant to further point out that Many Men’s Magazines present objectified images of women for the pleasure of men. (womens magazines and the female fashion industry are actually worse than mens mags for promoting unhealthy female standards).
Really, get mad at the circumstances being satired and not the satirist.
further regarding the rape reference… I dont know if I have readers bias, because after reading through the bunking of the feminutjob, I feel like the complaint about rape reference is nitpicking already… why wasn’t it raised earlier?
I didn’t exactly LOL at the article… and I did smirk and snort a bit… But the comments section is just EPIC. :\
October 19th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
if you were raped by Hitler than many times, then you would be too old and disgusting to fuck by now. Just saying…
I liked the:
“You might think you’d be safe alone with a guy with no nuts, but you’d be wrong. Raped wrong”
“17 Date Rapes (That Legally Don’t Count)”
Good stuff. I still don’t really know who this Audrina broad is, but you seem to despise her. She looks a little like she’s constantly coming down off a coke binge, and trying to hold her shit together.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
I’m not sure if I interpreted this the wrong way, given all the accusations in the comments of the author mocking rape victims. Here’s what I got from the tone of the piece: the author is not mocking rape victims, they’re mocking the mentality behind these male-specific magazines and the guys who enjoy them - namely that they believe these mythical creatures known as ‘women’ have to be tricked or deceived to even consider having sex with you, the pathetic idiot reading this magazine.
Maxim fucking blows.
October 19th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
lol London is a molested feminazi!
London, you don’t know my life. I could have been raped 100,000 times by Adolf Hitler for all you know, but the difference between you and me is that my head isn’t completely shoved up my ass. If people are too offended by everyday life to function in society then they truly don’t deserve an opinion and they definitely shouldn’t be on the internet. I hope the computer you were posting on was in the kitchen, WHORE. Btw make me a sandwich.
also I had no idea this board was a support group for “survivors” of rape. lololol seriously, go die. You clearly take life way too fucking seriously, and I’m sure that this entirely sarcastic post is going to give you a fucking heart attack.
October 19th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Can’t we all just get along?
October 19th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Shorter posts Mr. Couch Critic. Did your whoring, slutty fucking mother send your self-important, self-absorbed, cum-dripping ass into this great big world with the incorrect impression that your opinion matters to people.
Go take one in the ass from dear old dad again prick… rent is due on your trailer at the end of the month.
October 19th, 2009 at 12:50 am
funny =D
but oh so wrong.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
@London: Ha ha. you were raped!
October 18th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
This sums up every boring piece of shit magazine that every dude/bro had sitting in his bathroom when I was in college.
Being a guy who loves tits, beer and nachos, I’ve never really understood the appeal of Maxim, which is about tits, beer and nachos. It’s a bunch of shitty articles and not-naked half-assed celebrities making up bullshit that they know will turn guys on. Megan Fox or whoever the fuck isn’t into other chicks. She’s only saying it because she knows guys dig it.
October 18th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Hahaha. The part about being so empty behind the eyes the last guy that fingered her died up to the elbows reminds me of the the girl I’m currently fucking. Sigh.
Also to those that are complaining about the rape just remember George Carlin’s words that yes, rape can be funny too.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
“On a ‘feminist’ note, I think it’s a little unjustified for men to be overly critical of feminism unless they themselves identify as feminists.”
Actually, identifying as feminist and then going on to be “overly critical” of feminism would be even more of a dick move, wouldn’t it? Since then you’d basically be using fellow-traveler status to indulge in anti-feminist douchebaggery?
I personally don’t care for anti-feminist douchebags, and I think men should be educated enough about feminism to have an informed opinion on when a serious point is being made and when it isn’t. When what’s going on is really blatant stupidity, though — like, for example, when someone’s complaining about an article “mocking rape victims” in the absence of any such thing actually appearing therein — you don’t need a feminist status card to point out that the point being made is not serious. (It’s kinda like, back during the Dem primaries when Obama used the word “periodically” and half the HRC supporters in the feminist blogosphere wigged the fuck out over what an obviously sexist dick move this was? That was stupid. You didn’t need an in-depth knowledge of gender theory to notice that.)
October 18th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
“cracked don’t mock the victims of famine, or the victims of war, they mock the perpetrators, the collaborators, and the apathetic. If you can find an article on this site which mocks victims of atrocities in the way that this article mock rape victims”
If the article actually did mock rape victims, that would be a great point. If you really, truly didn’t notice that it’s actually mocking the mentality of the magazine, well, posting indignantly to protest that you do SO have a sense of humor goshdarnit and how DARE anyone imply otherwise… kind of a futile exercise.
October 18th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Seriously, not funny. None of it. Lame, boring, predictable. Complete fail at satire.
Also, Abby, wtf? Feminazis? Way to stick up for your gender, turncoat. Oh, and this whole running debate on how people think it’s fine when Cracked mock famine/war etc, but us girls can’t handle rape jokes, seriously, cracked don’t mock the victims of famine, or the victims of war, they mock the perpetrators, the collaborators, and the apathetic. If you can find an article on this site which mocks victims of atrocities in the way that this article mock rape victims (however ‘tongue in cheek’ you might think it is) then let me know.
Finally, how DARE anyone say to people that they’re not allowed to be offended, or that this makes them weak, or irrelevant! Everyone deserves the right to be heard, whether you agree with them or not. You have no idea how much more offensive you’ve made this whole thing by reacting the way that you have. What would have been wrong with just saying “fair enough, I find it funny, but I understand that you might not do”? You have NO IDEA what people writing on here have been through, and it’s more than likely you’re talking to survivors. Spiteful, shameful, and pathetic. Grow the hell up and learn to respect other people’s opinions.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:25 am
lol
this is cracked…. its a humour website. Stop taking like so seriously, its a fucking joke. Get the fuck over it.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:15 am
nice i wish they were really that honest because that’s what men really wanna see
October 17th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
@reticentdarling: According to statistics (google it), more men are raped in US prisons than non-incarcerated women every year. Stick that little factoid in your pipe and smoke it like the crack you’re on.
October 17th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I was one of those that got sent Maxim after EGM disappeared! And I also asked for my money back… They took so long in getting me my refund that I got a check for five bucks in the end. Still, a check for five dollars is always better than that crappy magazine. I miss my EGM…
October 17th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I had a subscription to EGM, when I got two Maxim issues along with the explanation, I thought it was kind of funny, because the magazines are completely different. Then, when I read them, I thought they were boring. I mostly skimmed, but I still felt it was a waste of my time. Then, in a more recent issue, there was an “article” about gaming girls, titled “Poon Raiders”, oh Maxim, you’re so funny. Anyway, they had five characters (Rubi Malone, Kasumi, Agent Rayne, Felicia, and Ms. Pac-Man) with a one sentence description of their powers and an “Arousal Shame Factor” rating.
Kasumi: “Low. So long as you’re not using chopsticks to masturbate.”
… What?
Felicia: “Severe. You shouldn’t be scratching your post to this bizarro pussy.”
And now I hate Maxim with a passion. Idiotic puns aside, Felicia is hot, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. At least I didn’t pay for the subscription, just traded in points I wouldn’t have otherwise used for it, and I have fuel for a fire!
I also noticed that that’s actually the issue this one is a parody of.
October 17th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Rape jokes are more gender-specific than jokes on famine or other atrocities. Also.. while famine describes a widespread phenomenon, rape denotes an individual experience. So I think there is probably just a lot of sensitivity toward jokes about a phenomenon that is experienced by (primarily) female individuals. I don’t think people should be required to frown at such jokes, but I think it’s unfair to say that those who don’t find them funny lack a sense of humor or other adult sensibilities. It’s likely that someone who has experienced rape would not laugh at the rape jokes in this article, even if they had been previously predisposed to seeing the humor in them. On a ‘feminist’ note, I think it’s a little unjustified for men to be overly critical of feminism unless they themselves identify as feminists. Perhaps there are significant problems with the modern feminist movement, but the Privilege Group probably doesn’t have much right to highlight those problems.
October 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
The rape jokes are a hilarious skewering of the MAXIM mentality; I don’t know how anyone’s looking at them and thinking the point is “ha ha rape is funny.” The whole ensemble… complete with the ridiculously homoerotic ad… freaking brilliant.
October 17th, 2009 at 9:27 am
@Abby
Nice job on understanding the basis of feminism (not being sarcastic). Unfortunately, since the seventies, feminism has just become synonymous with misandry and almost the entirety of the roster of the feminist movement are just misandrists parading under the guise of equality. That’s not to say that there aren’t great feminists out there actively fighting for both male and female rights (Christina Hoff Sommers comes to mind), but by and large modern feminism is, in my opinion, just a selfish gynocentric movement overrun by egregious hypocrisy.
Furthermore, equality isn’t helped by the sheer amount of white-knighting that still goes on and is exemplified so brilliantly throughout this comment section: the process whereby men, acting in line with archaic chivalrous values rendered defunct by the pro-equality movement of the past century, attempt to defend women even when their argument makes no sense. Remember guys: look at the argument you’re about to defend and then picture a man making the same argument, if you wouldn’t defend the man then don’t defend the arguer simply because she’s female. This in turn isn’t helped by the fact that the majority of women (in my experience) feel bullied when confronted by the same sort of aggressive reasoning that men subject one another to and, whilst protesting the concept of chivalry as (rightly) sexist, actively treat chivalrous men with more kindness and compassion than the genuinely pro-equality.
This is probably all coming off rather misogynistic, but that’s just because I hold women’s reasoning and actions to the exact same high standard to which I hold men’s and call both genders on it when they act in any way that isn’t immediately justifiable.
October 17th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Funny satire of all those dipshit lad mags. I love how they throw in half-assed articles n between all the bikini-covered boobs to look smart even they’re 2nd rate Playboys.
October 17th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Reading Maxim is like smoking crack on crack while on crack on crack.
October 17th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Ray: I’m aware of that. He was also doing it badly.
October 17th, 2009 at 4:10 am
its actually getting hilarious the amount of debate going around on this page…..though so far- because i didnt enjoy the article THAT MUCH(not because of the rape thing)- i decided to come down here and check out what people were saying. i think the valid points made about how rape can be funny….and sometimes it cant. I dont agree that its not one of the most terrible things that can happen to a man or woman, but i guess its all subjective. I personally loved yeah for boobs ‘ comment- as a girl its just kinda weird if a guy gets too obsessed with tits….its like, your mother has them…..
October 17th, 2009 at 3:15 am
This was great!
October 17th, 2009 at 1:20 am
“For several years I wrote for a magazine called Electronic Gaming Monthly”
I knew I had seen that stupid-ass, hipster mohawk somewhere before.
October 17th, 2009 at 12:26 am
Oops. It was supposed to read what is the difference. I guess I raped that joke. ZING!
October 17th, 2009 at 12:23 am
What does football and gang rape have in common?
Women don’t like football.
I guess rape can be funny, but all in all it is just a myth. You know, like Jesus.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
hmm im not normally the type to get too serious on cracked articles - theyre where i come to FORGET that serious stuff exists - but a coupe of comments on what people have said about rape:
sure, it can be made fun of. like several of you have said, if you cant make jokes about it, what makes it okay to make jokes about famine etc?
the difference is, a lot of famine victims arent reading articles on the internet…heh same for murder!!
i would say there IS a difference, because it can be upsetting to see comments like doctorchaos’ fine work cropping up in an article you were enjoying.
it’s the difference between… say, south park’s approach to rape jokes, and family guy’s. disturbing as it is, i get the impression that south park is on the victims side, and the opposite side to family guy!! not just using it for cheap laughs etc.
cos obviously its sick, an evil crime and so on… tasteful jokes can be made of it. south park manages (although doesnt on other occasions) and ricky gervais manages. some people wheel it out for da lolz, and its alarming that they do in fact GET the lolz, because as i said before, i would bet each of you money that you know at least one rape victim whether or not you know it!
already commented on YOU seanbaby (ie alright but not you best, which worries me)
so i shall leave it as that
am enjoying the rants in the comment section too much to read your article again all the way through.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Dracocron: I’m pretty sure that cannedfurry is being facetious you moron.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
This Thing about Audrina is just fucked up!
Seriously all the rape jokes are not cool either! Yea Rape is funny?
Well wait till some guys grab you ties you up and you cry like a fucking baby while they bust your ass! STFU already!
I think you took it little to far SeanBaby or maybe you never got off the crack pipe.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I think the maker of this magazine is either: (1) a closet homosexual, (2) a closet homosexual, (3) wants to have sex with his mother, or (4) a mildly retarded 13 year old virgin….. “ooohhh boobies!!!! booooobies…. boobiess… drool, twitch, scratch the ass… ohhh boobiesss…. burp, twitch, fart” Society would never have evolved if all men where like this.
And this isn’t a feminist issue… sure boobs are nice. But could you imagine how turned off most men would be by a woman who wanted to read a magazine like this…. article titles “look he has a cock!” “foods that look like cocks” “how to tell if strangers have large cocks” “cocks from around the world” “cock on cock” “how to spend your day looking at cocks” “ideal jobs where you get to see lots of cock.” “pancakes shaped like cock” “cocks on patrol” “surgically altered cocks” “celebrity cock”… burp, twitch, queef.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Golgo: What does that even mean?
October 16th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
We’re all getting raped, it’s just that nobody gets to whine about it unless they’re raped by a penis.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Please stop bashing people who think that rape jokes aren’t funny. I, personally, don’t terribly mind them. It is not, however, your business to tell other people what their sense of humor should and should not accommodate, and it’s especially not nice to do what cannedfury did and put several words in other people’s mouths.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
This article crosses the line with the rape jokes! Rape is a fate worse than everything else ever, and it should never, EVER be made fun of. When I have to listen to a concentration camp survivor tell his story, I have to explain to him that he needs to stop being such a drama queen when he isn’t even a rape victim. I also go to the local children’s hospital and remind the terminally ill brats, “Stop acting so emo and toughen up. Some of us have to live with being molested.” Of course, this doesn’t apply to dudes getting raped. That stuff is hilarious and should be made fun of all the time!
October 16th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
And you people need to quit with the ‘rape jokes are abhorrent’ angle. If you find something in bad taste, don’t look it at. You people come back to the Seanbaby column week after week and subject yourself to it; you’re the ones causing yourselves to be offended, you’re the ones with no understanding of satire, you’re the ones who believe that the criminalization of thoughts is justified as long as it falls in line with your personal interpretation of Protestant values. Shut the fuck up and go to bed, it’s adult time now.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Now I want more Pizzacat…anyone interested in a Pizzacat/DrChaos fic? Pizzacat tops.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Also, Jay, I think that everything is subjective. Some rape is extremely traumatizing, some is not. It depends on personal experience. If you are a small child being violently raped and beaten, then it would probably haunt you for your entire life. If you get drunk and fuck someone and then cry rape, then you should go die and have no right to tell survivor stories. But I understand what you’re saying. The entire point of making jokes of serious issues like rape is to laugh at the horribleness of them. That’s what makes the jokes funny and outrageous. Some people have no sense of humour. Also, no matter what horrible things have happened to you, playing the victim never gets you anywhere in life.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
There are a lot of fucking feminazis on here…it’s so sad. It makes real feminists look bad. Being a feminist is about eliminating hurtful gender roles for EVERYONE. I wish women would be able to take jokes and stop obsessing over being thin or self-hating (it’s fucking annoying), but I also wish men didn’t feel like they have to be stupid, strong, and bearded to be “real men”. Basically: feminazis, stfu already, no one cares, dudes, real feminism includes you too, I promise. There are a lot of guys who get rejected because women think that they are evil players who hate women and only want to sex them up and leave them, but not all or even most men are like that, it’s a ridiculous and hurtful stereotype and I don’t understand why more feminists don’t include men in their discussions. People act how they are expected to act, and if women assume that men are arrogant pricks automatically then no matter what a man says then they are going to see him as a hateful mysogonist. It’s so ridiculous. EQUALITY, not supremacy. Men and women have differences and different stereotypes but we just need to chill and stop making assumptions.
The article was fucking hilarious, I used to freaking love EGM. “Death becums her”…lawl.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Thanks for clearing that up BGH, I was curious where the “survivors of murder” lobby was.
Clearly my point was simply that on the grand scale of nasty stuff that can happen to people, rape is most certainly NOT at the top of the list, and people can only make that assertion if they don’t think about the many many worse possibilities.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I’m sorry but this line from Jay made me lol myself:
“People who think rape is the worst thing that can happen just haven’t been murdered [...] yet.”
Of course they haven’t or they wouldn’t be here posting about rape.
Anyway, I say this a lot about topics that are made subjects of jokes which others may find offensive: it’s not the act itself that is being made light of, it’s an abstraction of the act which seems illogical and peculiar against reality, that’s where the joke comes from. For instance, ED’s article on rape contains the hilarious joke “Fun Fact!: Frank Sinatra once wrote a tribute to rape with his song Strangers In The Night”. In reality it would be a reprehensible act if a popular singer wrote a song endorsing rape and even more abhorrent if the hypothetical society of the time loved it as much as the genuine and innocuous love song Strangers In The Night. The joke comes from the sheer absurdity of this concept, that there should be a society which finds something so obviously immoral a great subject for a love song. Were it to actually come to pass that a singer wrote a song in which he lovingly sang about rape and the entirety of the world loved it then that wouldn’t be funny, it’s only funny as an absurd hypothetical which contradicts reality. In the same way that it’s only funny that a magazine would so openly endorse rape because it’s so at odds with our real perception of rape.
It’s when this absurd reality-contradiction stops being funny that you should start to worry.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Pizzacat, very few women are totally unattractive. With the right make-up and clothes you might look quite pretty.
Most guys are interested in a girl who’s got a nice personality too, and if you’re willing to do a lot in bed that counts for a lot as well.
Good luck.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
My ball hairs are going white, I think from excessive masturbation. What should I do? And no, please don’t tell me to cut back on my daily masturbation. (I’m 28)
October 16th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I apologize for my previous douche-baggery. I was on my period and my man didn’t beat me enough. He set me straight by shoving a hot curling iron up my ass and branded ’stupid-cunt’ across my forehead. I learned my lesson and admit I am a fat lesbian who just hates men but my husband won’t allow me to leave the house.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
This article is 100% true.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
The subtle things (Derek, age 9? Really? XD) you put in cracked me the fuck up. As well as all the crack references, again and again. hee.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
EGM is not quite dead. Steve Harris (the guy who started it before selling it to Ziff-Davis) has purchased the publishing rights and is going to be relaunching the magazine in December. Should be interesting.
The web page is http://www.egmnow.com, though there’s not much there at the moment.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
WTF is up with all these “rape isn’t funny” comments I keep seeing? Everything is funny if you have a sense of humour, you uppity sourpusses. Try to get this: just because something bad happened to you doesn’t make your opinion on it important. People who think rape is the worst thing that can happen just haven’t been murdered or mutilated yet. As for funny rapes, anybody catch that Californication from a couple weeks back? That was a pretty humorous rape if you ask me. Both me and my significant other (who actually has been raped, not “oh no, dont stick it all the way in, I feel like a slut now” date raped, but actual “who the hell are you and why are you doing this!?” raped) were laughing pretty f’n hard at that one.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
LMAO. I think Old Man Murray still has a subscription to EGM. Fucking classic. I did read an article claming that most of those men’s magazines are actually run by gay men, hence why the articles always give advice that it’s okay to go “bi” every now and then. Hey, we’re not the geh as long as we’ve got mustaches http://bit.ly/3Q4mPW
October 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Wait, are you serious?
EGM is no more?! How sad, I used to have a subscription when I was younger…
October 16th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Seanbaby rules, best columnist on cracked
October 16th, 2009 at 10:08 am
SB is just not funny. I’ve reserved saying this for some time, hoping things would get better…but they haven’t. Article after article.
SB - you’re not funny. sorry. maybe its the format you choose for your articles, I like the “lists” on here most….but, I read the title and think this is going to be good - then see its SB and I think, well..maybe I guess - and then see the “no format” format - and nope.
no lols for me.
most of the things that are posted by SB reminds me of the loud obnoxious guy at dennys late at night. He thinks he’s hilarious, but I just want to eat my grand slam in peace.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Seanbaby, you worry me.
Good work!
October 16th, 2009 at 9:09 am
post post script al is also on to a bitter truth about the poor poor trees that were turned into M.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:05 am
yeah the “R” word… these magazines fuel the mentality of the dumbed down america. Lets go to college to get wasted and laid not to LEARN. so if it makes anyone feel better i was not offended by the truth bitter and painful as the truth is most often.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:50 am
my check didn’t bounce, but it was only for in between $4 to $6. when i resubscribed to EGM your monthly article 2 pages was the only reason. then Hsu and Chan disappeared then the whole magazine stopped coming. when i finally called to ask why (3-4 months later). That is when i got the mind poison that is MAXIM. i got like 6 months worth of magazines in 3 weeks i felt so dirty i couldnt cancel that fast enough!
October 16th, 2009 at 8:33 am
[...] If Men’s Magazines Were Honest [...]
October 16th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Best part? Comments page: “via hunchback” I lost it.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:08 am
I read the article and Seanbaby became my hero…
then I read the comments section and I realized the power was in us all along….
o/\o
October 16th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Seanbaby, you really should publish this magazine. No, for real. Really.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:08 am
So rapes aren’t funny, but queefs are? HMM?
October 16th, 2009 at 5:37 am
Waaaahh, rape isn’t funny. Maybe you just never tried it
October 16th, 2009 at 5:03 am
Great article, loved the rape.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Never takes it seriously? Come across “this way”? What is “this way”? Lightly?
If rape is not allowed to be made fun of then what is the excuse for Cracked to lampoon things like murder, famine, and disaster? Such things are arguably much more heinious than forcing sex upon someone. What seperates them is that rape obviously hits closer to home for the detractors of the joke.
What horrors of society we wallow in when men and women come to their conclusions of what should and should not be based upon emotional presumptions and not ratiocination.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:14 am
Awesome article SB, even thought the date rape one was a little too controversial for most readers I personally enjoyed that headline. This of course coming from a guy who’s favorite song is Date Rape by Sublime, I just find that Rape is a subject that can be shrugged off by most who don’t find it offensive because the people who perform this crime get Raped in jail if they are lucky.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:54 am
I agree. You were awesome in EGM Seanbaby, arguably much better than you are here.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:49 am
I’m going on a rape rampage now because I saw it being made light of in a men’s magazine parody. It was so funny that it set off my instinctive rape reflex that all men have.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:43 am
..to all of those who are upset about the rape comment, it’s obviously a satire on maxim also, who goes on cracked.com to see politically correctness. Its a humor site, get over it.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:33 am
The date rape mention is obviously Seanbaby mocking Maxim.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:42 am
In response to Matt - Yes I am worried about it being made light of, you have just shown one of the many reasons why I think it should be put in something that is supposed to be funny. Because then no-one takes the situation seriously. I would neverwant someone to have the fear that all women have when it comes to being raped. But I wish that you did have a full understanding because then you would realise just how much of a twat that comment makes you. In response to Player_1, I have read these types of magazines and sure some of the articles do borderline, but I have never seen one that would make light of rape or abuse. Even if Seanbaby did not right it to get a shock value for laughs that is how it has come across. It is up to the writer to be responsible and make sure that something that he will be publishing is not going to come across this way. It is not mine or anyone else’s fault if we took it be inapproriate and making light of an issue that plagues woman all over the world. That is the writers fault, he is responsible for what he puts out there and knows exactly how it would be perceived. If he was not aware then that is sloppy journalism and that just gives me more reasons not to read anything of his again.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:33 am
[...] If Men’s Magazines Were Honest [...]
October 16th, 2009 at 1:10 am
I agree with Erin - Rape is by no means a funny topic and is by my moral compass perhaps the most shocking low we as human beings can reach. And Seanbaby is a very intelligent comic, I don’t it imagine he would stoop down to shock value such as rape for laughs - and as Erin has mentioned, the subject matter of the articles one finds in these atrocious men’s magazines are borderline (as Jan has said) all on their own.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:03 am
Seanbaby that was classic!
Thanks, man.
And you wankers complaining about date rape? Lighten the fuck up, is that seriously what your worried about being made light of?
Get a grip.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:31 am
Seriously not funny. I can’t believe that date rape is the subject of a laugh. It could be if men thought the same way about rape as women. But even then it would be bordering. I will never be reading another article by yourself, Seanbaby. I really hope one day that yourself and all the other people who find this article funny to have it explained to you how terrifying the thought of rape is and how until it no longer happens it should not be laughed at.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:19 am
hahaha- that was gold
jaguaress- I think his mention of ‘date rape’ was in order to satirise the kind of articles that are in these magazines…I don’t think he was maing light of date rape itself
unless I’ve completely missed the point of this
October 15th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
As a former EGM subscriber who has yet to convince his roommates that he isn’t a homosexual in denial after receiving several issues of Maxim in the mail, I just want to thank you personally for making fun of that awful magazine. Not that I don’t normally enjoy sophomoric ripoffs of Playboy with a quarter of the style and one-tenth of the nudity, but damn. I’ve never been very big into this environmentalism stuff, but after flipping through that disastrous attempt at eroticism and knowing that the 130-something-page embarrassment in my hands was once a tiny piece of a lush forest, I dropped to my knees and wept like I was Al Gore on estrogen.
Keep up the good work, SB.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Not funny at all - especially the part about date rape. I’ll make sure not to read anything else by you again, seanbaby.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
[...] 10 Most Racist Food Products Ever If Men’s Magazines Were Honest 7 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Help a Girl Move Loophole Found in Airport Security 7 Horrifying [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Oh my GOD was that ever funny! I may have confusing sex dreams about Swaim, but seanbaby is truly the one who is in my heart. You are everything good and pure about comedy writing, sir.
Also, what the fuck IS with mens magazines? It’s like reading the thoughts of a semi-retarded eighteen year old virgin. How can anyone mess up writing about hot women, cars and sports? Although it’s pretty obvious that there is a huuuge fan base of semi-retarded man-children in North America with the disposable income and disposable I.Q. to purchase and read the same magazine every single month.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Brilliant. Simply brilliant. death beCUMS her lol
October 15th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Seanbaby is a satiric genius.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Repetitive after the first ‘page’
October 15th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
AWESOOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 15th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
If you’re not sure why this is funny, I have one word for your answer: irreverence. This is the critical semantic that provokes boisterous guffaws from many a nearly-lost soul.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
This. Is. The. Funniest. FUCKING SHIT I”VE READ IN LONG TIME!!!
(all maxim can do is crack jokes)
October 15th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Ha, so true! The women in this parody look just as braindead and STD ridden as the originals! Great job!
October 15th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Wait, how is this funny?
October 15th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
“and bitching feminist who needs to kill herself because she’s trying to have “rights”.”
thats where. you stupid fucking troll. go choke on a dick. oh wait, youre a dyke. You can still go hide under a bridge though, for how horrible of a person you are.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Pizzacat is a 50 year old man/troll.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
BAHAHAHA SEANBABY!!
i miss EGM… :*(
October 15th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Pizzacat reminds me of a Jehova’s Witness.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
I have a boner.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Pizzacat was smoking crack.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Pizzacat, I was unable to read your most recent comment. Feel free to ignore what I said.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I must say, after all the buildup working my way backwards to doctorchaos’s post, it was hilariously offensive.
And pizzacat, men≠doctorchaos. Many of us are quite nice. Many of the negative comments you recieved were probably men offended by the notion that they were anything like doctorchaos.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I was wrong about everything I said. I apologize. I had forgotten to take my medication this morning and I get a little unbalanced.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
hahaha wtf is up with this so-called “pizzacat”?
scum-bag is fighting for women’s rights? is it on crack or something, i mean women already have rights. its fat-ass is living in the past.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
ALL TROLLZ MUST BE FED
October 15th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
[...] Here’s a look at “If men’s magazines were honest” by Seanbaby. (Cracked) [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
@Pizzacat - You should stick to bitching about Muslims and liberals, ItalianGoddess, it’s a lot more credible.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I felt fucking old when I read “ye olde “humour”
October 15th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
The opening paragraph was the most interesting part, really. The rest of it was awfully obvious to anyone many, many years ago.
However I always laugh when an advertisement for a movie or video game proudly states Maxim gives it 5 stars!
I worked for a video game company that had a game in development that was about 10 percent complete, (and completely unplayable) and there was Maxim with a glowing 5-star review floating around the office.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Great article, I couldn’t stop laughing.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Ok, these comments are hilarious. Most especially the little two comment discourse between Bobbyd84 and Canada. Hilarious.
And, I will agree that Doctorchaos is a grand master troll. His comments on almost every article are expertly crafted to incite rage. What’s more, he very rarely responds to any of the ensuing flames that are sent his direction. It’s like he pops onto the comment listing once, drops a masterpiece of troll hate-speech, and leaves, never even bothering to survey the chaos he evoked. I guess his name is fitting then, eh?
I thought the article was very funny as well. I really liked the Letters section, such as the 9 year old talking about nautical masturbation and the following retractions the editorials made about previous articles (which were relatively important details). And the school teacher who wrote about “Ball Draining Teen Movies”. Great stuff.
Also, “Ursos, Lord of the Bears, plays through!”
October 15th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
you guys dont know how easy it is to pretend to be pizzacat
October 15th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Oh wait, isn’t this what Maxim is like anyway? HAR HAR HAR I IS JUST A STUPID FEMALE I DON”T KNOW ANY DIFFERENT!!
Hilarious, Seanbaby. You almost make me think men care more than just tits. Almost.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Yeah, I remember EGM getting shut down and my subscription getting shifted to Maxim. I cancelled it, but I’m still getting it ’cause I still gotta wait for the subscription to end. I barely read it, which was why I didn’t get most of the jokes in this article, but I do remember going “WTF?!” about an article in Maxim celebrating the 60 years of Marvel Comics. Yeah, wrap your mind around that without it exploding.
It hurts for me to see a troll successful, but DoctorChaos is exactly that. His whole “make a statement that’ll rile up everyone and then disappear” is a tactic that I’ve seen to well. Then again, I’ve been in forums long enough to know the tricks and gimmicks; you guys who made Chaos successful still have some learning to do.
As for pizzacat, I can definately tell that you’re not trolling. Which is sad, because he comments make her look like the stereotypical raving feminist. Piazzcat, please calm down and remember that anything done on this site is done for the sake of comedy. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, but no one’s going to care for you’re opinion or radical behavior.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
eugh chicory!
‘watching people fight about rape is funnee’?
who’s worse, the person who starts a heated debate about a severely traumatising crime for the lolz, or the person who restarts the heated debate about a severely traumatising crime for the lolz, just as it was drifting away from the subject? :S
in other news, seanbaby, liked it but not your best!!
October 15th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
pizzacat originally had a decent point as did the ones who responded to drchaos..
sometimes trolls go too far and its impossible not respond. like if they say that its womens fault if they get raped? he mentioned sexual abuse, which is mainly on children. i guarantee he knows someone who has been raped and probably someone who was abused as a child. so the fact that he could type that out without doing the decent thing and shooting himself makes him impossible not to hate.
let the hating of doctorchaos continue. besides, what if nobody responded? to anyone else coming to this article it would look like nobody disagreed
October 15th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
@cr light beers suck, i just didnt wanna think of anything else. Red stripe would be on there though. And were talkin commercial beers here, were not even dipping our toes into the realms of german beer
October 15th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Anyone else notice how little pizzacat is actually responding to comments directed at him/her (I don’t entirely believe this pizzacat person is female)? Sorry seanbaby, but the comments section was much more interesting than your article, though I did chuckle a little bit. Reminds me of this one: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-evolution-of-the-troll-from-internet-tough-guy-to-meh
October 15th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
[...] (That Legally Don’t Count)”. Grab your hair gel and body spray and get comfy! [Cracked] October 15th, 2009 by David L. Dave, Share | Tags: Humor, Men’s [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
“develop a new plan to kill myself”
Ha, pizzacat is too stupid to kill herself.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I miss EGM, and I have very fond recollections of Seanbaby, especially when he compared Uwe Boll movies to putting clothehangers in your urethra.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
“has a woman ever killed someone? no. ”
…WHAT.
also, you’re a fat lesbian. lawl.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I have to salute Doctor Chaos for such incredible trolling. The responses to him were hilarious as well.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
This was beautiful.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Hateful comments are both funny and scary. Funny because people say stupid shit without think about what they are saying, or without knowing the person they are responding to.
Scary because really stupid people have a forum to be stupid anonymously. I think that today’s article was beaten by the comments section.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
“You might think you’d be safe with a guy with no nuts, but you’d be wrong. raped wrong.”
-made my day.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Haha. Wrap your ass… around my EVERYTHING. That’s so terrifying I can’t stop laughing. And Spiderman KD Lang. HA.
And omg!! I didn’t know that watching Oprah required eating a packet o’biscuits!!! Hmmm. Like, biscuit biscuits, made out of bread? Or them crazy British Biscuits which are (in terms of where I’m from) cookies. Either way. SOOOOO GOOOOD!
October 15th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
another win
October 15th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Also:
@pizzacat: On behalf of the lesbians of the world, I am hereby revoking your toaster. You are humorless, and your knee-jerk, canned responses are making the rest of us look bad. Walk away from the computer and calm down. On one hand, I feel bad telling you to shut it because you’re probably 16, but on the other hand, if nobody tells you what a fool you sound like, you’ll never learn. Are some men assholes? Yes. Are some women assholes? Yes. You’re only undermining your own cause with your poorly thought-out vitriol, and as a woman, I feel like *you* are one of the people who are setting us back. Feminism is not about man-hating, we call that “hypocrisy.”
October 15th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
@ron: Okay, I’ll give you Fat Tire, that would be on my list. Blue Moon is probably king of the grocery store beers, it’s a nice fall back when you’re limited in selection. But everything else is a light beer? Compared to an amber like Fat Tire? Come on.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
@pizzacat
Lol. No woman has ever killed someone? No women has ever started a war? Those are rather outrageous claims to make, and history would rather vehemently disagree with your conclusion. Here are few examples:
Women who started Wars: Queen Elizabeth of England, Matilida of Tuscany, Margaret Thatcher
Women who killed someone: Read a goddamn paper. There are plenty of examples readily available.
I sneaking suspicion that there’s no way your being serious at all if these are the kind of ridiculous claims your making.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
wtf women have been serial killers
lizzie borden?
mary ann cotton?
belle gunness?
October 15th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Isn’t there a story about a mother that drowned her 4 kids? If so, you might want to revise your argument, also the trojan war (In the story) was started because of Helen of Troy… again revise your argument pizzacat
October 15th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
So where are the jokes again? Last I checked shouting “Penis, tits, beer, vag, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX!” is just taking the easy way out with humour.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
well idk why women would be pissed at this anyway. they shouldnt be allowed to use a computer. or talk to men.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
@ dos equis, fat tire, and blue moon. the rest are just random light beers. The top tits are megan fox, dolly parton, and meatloaf.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
its you fucking men who ruin our world. Do women ever start wars? no. do women ever do violent things? no. has a woman ever killed someone? no. have men done these things? hell yeah theyhave. its stupidfucking men like eyou who think women are sex slaves and just want to fuck them that fuck up our world. So what if im a lesbian, and a little over weight? that has nothing to do with how much of assholes you guys are!!! men, typical men.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
pizzacat! my arch nemesis!
October 15th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
@Pizzacat!
I actually don’t really have anything to say, but you seem to be the topic of the day. My comment would be without meaning if I didn’t mention you.
Anyway, article was classic Seanbaby. Take that to mean what you will.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Yeah man the comments were more entertaining than the article. I still think your so unfunny but you make a good satire here.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
As a woman, I find this to be absolutely fucking hysterical. There is nothing wrong with pointing out how ridiculous and formulaic magazines like Maxim are. Nor is there anything wrong with calling out girls like Audrina who will do any degrading thing to make a quick buck. Prior to this article, my favorite web-moniker for her was “celing-eyes,” but I think she shall henceforth be known as “zombie-tits.”
Oh, and what *are* the “Top 10 Titties and Beer?” Enquiring minds want to google image search. . . I mean “know.”
. . . know with my eyeballs. . .
October 15th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
4chan’s pedobear would love this shit…..
October 15th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
haha. i think pizzacat may have died.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I bet pizzacat is fat and smells funny
October 15th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Holy crap…this is STILL going on? did no one read my post?
*sigh*
Ahhh well…on to more Cracked funnies! peeeeaaaaaccceeee
o/
/|
/\
October 15th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Hey pizzacat? This is the rest of the world calling. You know, reality? We’d like you to know that you NEED TO GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU RAGING HAIRY-NIPPLED BULLDYKE.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
How come so many people that don’t get the joke feel compelled to comment? There must be 100,000 people that read it and didnt comment, right? He is making fun of Maxim magazine for being sexist, and degrading to women, so in order to do this he had to make his article sexist and degrading to women to show what maxim gets away with, and the comments section fills up with people complaing that he made the article sexist and degrading.don’t you guys get the joke?
October 15th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Heh, this was great. If Tits for Men was a little longer it’d make a great monthly feature for Cracked.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Well, this article just killed any future desire I would’ve had for Audrina Patridge.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Pizzacat is neither delicious pizza, nor a cat. Her opinions are not valid.
Get out of my gender you fat bitch.
Btw, hilarious article.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Hey, no new posts from pizzacat. She take someone’s advice and ignore us? Or did she perform seppuku? The world will never know…
October 15th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Pizzacat, it is shameful to say you have no rights as an American woman. Look at women in some Middle Eastern countires. They can’t work, vote, or even go outside without being covered head to toe in clothing. Women in other counties can be killed by people throwing rocks at them if they have sex out of wedlock. Don’t come on here with your ‘poor me’ bullshit about having no rights when there are thousands of people who would kill to have what you take for granted.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
You’re a freaking genius!
October 15th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Pizzacat is one of those women that make me wonder why they make bikinis in anything over medium sizes.
Now i feel better about my dick size!
right pizzacat?
October 15th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I agree, Pizzacat’s comments and the replies were funnier than the article.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I laughed my ass off.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I thought I should leave a more intelligent comment. I would like to begin by saying it is true that women are dealt a lesser hand at birth than a man. But ladies, do not think that hating men for our unfair advantage will make you feel any better. If you have to bust your ass to get yourself to a position a man could get easier give yourself a goddamn pat on the back. When you start hating men, men start hating women who have earned a high rank.
I am a minority and I also have the short stick of the deal from the moment I came to this great land (USA). But I see too many of my people getting caught up in bitching and whining about their situation instead of just proving to themselves they are not a stereotype.
Pizzacat, by spewing such hateful things against mean you are only provoking men to hate you. I am a man and I love boobs that are more attractive than other boobs whats wrong with that? The meaning of life is to reproduce nothing deeper than that so contribute to the human race and try to ATTRACT a man. Its your job to attract and ours to hump. Simple as that. Thank you.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Women have feelings?! Who’da thunk it?
October 15th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
@Wha?
ME TOO! My throat is more scar tissue than uhh, throat tissue at this point from it being ruptured multiple times every Thursday. This one was… lame. Reading the comments and I guess the whole crack thing is making fun of Maxim for saying things are like other things on crack/steroids, but I didn’t get it.
@Pizzacat
I just want you to know your posts were funnier to me than the actual article. Can you start writing full length articles for Cracked? Try starting with a topics page. I suggest you take the Phallic Symbolism topic, it is currently available and you strike me as the kind of person that would have pages and pages of hilarious things to say about it.
http://www.cracked.com/topic/adopt_preview.php?topic_id=2119
October 15th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
You know, as a passionate, unapologetic and very active feminist, I found this article beautifully subversive.
It’s also *funny*. Which is sort of what you want from a comedy website.
P.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Get back in the kitchen, Pizzacat.
October 15th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Don’t let pizzacat speak for all women in the world. She’s acting like a big fat bitch.
Get over yourself, it’s a joke.
It’s funny.
It’s true.
And I’m a female.
October 15th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I’m SHOCKED. This was a Seanbaby article that wasn’t EXCELLENT. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it got a few chuckles out of me, but I’m used to puking out my spleen and rupturing my throat when reading Seanbaby.
Too much reliance on the pictures and crack jokes, I think. (None of these chicks even turned me on, except Kim Kardashian and Audrina Patridge, just waaay too skinny most of them)
That’s alright though, I know Seanbaby will crush the mind with the next article.
October 15th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Just read the comments. Quite the thread. There are the usual insane misogynist ass-hats….and what appear to be dudes cutting them down and rocking feminist viewpoints! Feminism is sexy!
@Pizzacat: I feel for you. It’s hard when your favorite website seems to cut you down, but you’ve got to pick your battles. Misogynists look for women like you (and Valerie Solanas) to point to as evidence that feminism is a crazy/wrong notion. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but that’s the way it is. It’s part of the shit package that women are served at birth.
You know what makes me feel better? Reading Scum Manifesto. It’s an utterly insane and brilliant piece of fantasy/philosophy. If you’re a feminist and you’re pissed, I highly recommend it.
October 15th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Girls like Pizzacat make me ashamed to be female.
That said, this article was hilarious!
“I live in Miami, so I thought I knew it all.
Derek
Rhode Island, Age 9″
It’s the little things.
October 15th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Robocop, North Montonia.
I want to move there.
October 15th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Derek
Rhode Island, Age 9
That had me in tears.
October 15th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Ah satire…
How can I put it? This succeeds because the people it is making fun of will never get the joke. To the rest of us, it is a hundred punches to the gut and a kick to the face of insipid boobie worship. People DO pay to read Maxim, and they deserve all the ridicule that can be heaped upon them.
The Gaultier ad is priceless. Jarring at first… but then we relax… and then wonder why we like it… QUICK TURN THE PAGE!! haha
October 15th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
how is pizzacat doing the dishes AND spending all this time typing comments? If you have this much spare time you should spend it pleasing your man and not bothering these ones
October 15th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
what the flying fuck is wrong with people….arguing about shit in a comment section..its a satirical article and thats it…..get up off your ass go outside find a human being and have a realistic conversation rather than shooting shit at comments…and yes i read them because they are way fuckn funnier than the articles in most cases………fuckin assclowns…..o and pizza face whatever the fuck ya called yourself……wow….all i can say is wow…..take a fuckin zanex
October 15th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Wait…they seriously replaced the reader’s subscriptions to EGM with Maxim? Was that a joke?
I mean, sure, it’d keep some of the boys happy. But what if you’re a straight chick who was subscribed to EGM and all of a sudden you have Maxim in you mail box? How are you supposed to explain that to your roommate?
October 15th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
HAHA pizzacat’s name says it all…her 2 favorite things! Pizza cause she is fat and cats cause she has lots of them. Gross
October 15th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
All right Pizzacat you call us ‘immature men’ for calling you things like fat and retarded but your at the same time doing the EXACT same thing, only trying to intimidate us with your big words. Im in no way against womens rights but that isnt what your fighting for is it? your initial point was valid, but now you dug yourself too deep into the proverbial shithole and are now just trying to make excuses for the mud your slinging.
in the words of the great Teddy Roosevelt: Booyah.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I’d subscribe
October 15th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
And to think, this all could have been avoided if Pizzacat used more capital letters.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
i think this comment board needs to be published as a novel. it fucking rocks.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Pizzacat, I’m not jumping in your shit because I think you’re a feminist or fat or because I think you might — just MIGHT! — be a closet lesbian. I’m jumping in your shit because, judging from the jumbled mess that are your comments, you quite clearly are a functioning illiterate. Seriously honey, either learn the intricacies of the written word or download Firefox, otherwise every single person calling you a moron isn’t “immature,” a “loser” or whatever other tired descriptive you choose to use. They are, in fact, simply calling it like they see it.
Have a good one doll.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I consider myself a die hard feminist (or femi-nazi, as we’re known) and I did not find this article offensive; I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Insulting Maxim for promoting date rape, regular rape, treating women like semi-retarded sex monkeys and their all-around idiocy is okay….because it’s a f*cking insult. There are many, many offensive rape jokes out there, but this is not one of them. The article is devoted to insulting Maxim and their dip-shit ways, not promoting it.
I find it empowering. A lot of guys don’t want to touch the “rape issue” and that bothers me more than rape jokes. If you don’t talk about it and put it on a pedestal nothing is ever going to change. But if you publicly call out rapists/date rapists for being the idiot douche-bros that they are, now that’s progress. And that takes balls. Nice work Seanbaby.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Wow, this comment section looks like my philosophy class. Annoying immature retards? yup, one whiny feminist with nothing but a hatred for men regardless of their opinions on how women should be treated (I personally don’t care what your gender is, just don’t be a douche), yup, People basing their conversations on the aforementioned crap? Double yup. On topic, it’s funny and it’s supposed to be, lets keep it that way
October 15th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I love comedy for the simple reason that some people cant handle it or dont understand it and then voice their opinion too soon, or use it to fuel a past experience. A majority of the actual humor doesnt come from the article itself but the reations to the article. A textbook example is right before your eyes. One of the best articles on here, keep it up.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
1st, Thank God! SOmeone else besides me thinks this bitch looks dead! 2nd. You’re not funny.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
pizzacat,
Just on the offchance that you’re not a troll (although I’m pretty sure you are trolling here, but what the heck, I’m in a “save the world” state of mind today), you need to get some help. The “suicide-cry-for-help” on the internet is pretty played out, and if you’re serious this is the wrong place to vent it.
That being said, I thought the article was a bit cluttered and lowbrow for me. Seanbaby, he’s hit or miss. Not his worst here, but certainly not his best. I think he kind of mailed it in this time around.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
The Duke of Awesome is right, Pizzacat. Most of the folks responding to you have been coming around, seeing the article, being interested in the comments and for whatever reason feel compelled to respond to you. You’ve been here since 7:30 in the morning, essentially trolling, among other things. (Yes, I read most of the comments, as I am bored.)
That aside, I did rather enjoy this article. The caption bit was pretty funny I thought. Did anyone else notice that the person talking about masturbation safety on speedboats was nine?
October 15th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
pizzacat, got some sand in your vagina?
or did you just get dumped?
October 15th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Pizzacat, what’s more pathetic? Us responding to your comments or you responding back?
Game, Point, Match: Duke
October 15th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
This article is not funny, even if it’s meant to be. It’s disgusting and degrading to women.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Whoops EDIT : should NOT be allowed to interact…! I don’t want to hear it lol
October 15th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Man I use to read EGM all the time good thing I didn’t subscribe, well that article you wrote about the That’s so Raven game must be the funiest thing I ever read.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
This article was funny…not so funny when I had to explain to my dad who happened to pass my comp why their were sexy pics all over my screen, but still, damned funny.
I read the comments. Madness. Stupid, stupid troll madness.
Have a nice day, folks.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
@theOtherCat , pizzacat makes me ashamed to be a woman too actually most of the other posts make me ashamed to be a human. As for the article, I didn’t find it funny; it probably would be if it wasn’t so close to the truth like Mike D said. Womans mags aren’t any better. Its just kind of sad.
Feminists and douche bags are annoying, and should be allowed to interact with each other in any way.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
successful troll is successful indeed
October 15th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Seanbaby, you’re crazy. I love it♥
October 15th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
As a female, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Then I realize this is a comedy website, and laugh at the fact that men think so much about sex. Then again, my gender does have twilight against us…
October 15th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
So, when does Tits For Men hit the shelfs?
October 15th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
What am I missing!?
The only thing wrong with Tom Cruise’s hair is that he looks “handsome”? The other 3 celebs are obvious…
Anyone??? I must know!
October 15th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Women need to stay at home, bake pies, and spit out babies.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Pizzacat, you just might be the most needlessly enraged commenter I’ve ever come across. Btw, i’ve noticed that you view misogyny negatively but you talk of your misandry like it’s awesome. That’s a bit hypocritical. Are you insane?
October 15th, 2009 at 11:53 am
@GodlyGibbon
The “right” to bitch against the “oppressive man”, which she forgets is what she is already doing.
That she wants supremacy is pretty obvious. It’s people like her that always hurt their own cause. It really is sad that the bad ones are always the most vocal.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:53 am
@ Seanbaby: you’ve done better. I lol’ed, but just barely. Try a little harder next time.
@ Dr. Chaos: you’re a fucking dick, but you’re also really funny. keep it up.
@ pizzacat: you realize your on Cracked, which, among other demographics, attracts a large crowd of young, shallow, pussy-trolling jocks that feed off shit like feminism to get you going even worse. your anger is like mother’s milk to them. without it, their bones won’t grow. =) so fucking ignore them! either live with yourself and your looks, and acknowledge that some men just don’t accept that, or get out there and get on a treadmill for a few months, and THEN see what those same men say about you.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Pizzacat, you make me ashamed to be a woman.
Funny article though!
October 15th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Does anyone here realise that everyone is retarded? The pizzacat bitch is one of those women who WANTS to be victimized. She’s also a feminist who wants SUPREMACY, not equality. Seriously, what right is she even fighting for?
October 15th, 2009 at 11:32 am
haha I’m in a state of perpetual pant pissing! Seanbaby you are the funniest columnist ever! I would only read your column (and Hsu & Chan) in EGM. I miss those days.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:28 am
When does the Bible get released here? I put a pre-order on it like a month ago. Oh well…I guess in the meantime I’ll travel down to the good old ‘Poutine Bitch Refuckulation Chamber’ and get me a heathen basket. Thanks for my American friend for making this comment for me, and translating my weird, almost gutteral language.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:27 am
if this were canada, which it is not, pizzacat would have been taken down to the town sqaure and covered in gravy. and by gravy i mean brown gravy. then pizzacat would be force fed french fries dipped in said gravy because that’s how you humiliate poontang with pooteen. i’m not canadain, never claimed to be…but i’ll tell you what. those bitches get refuckulated pretty damn quickly up north. the bible hasn’t made it up there yet…they know not what they do.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:27 am
I wasn’t really feeling this one. It was decent, but not great like some of your other stuff.
The beard lubricant was amazing, though.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:24 am
whatever… i’m a female and i thought it was hilarious.
…except for the shark thing. a toothy va-jay-jay is scary.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Yo…pizzacat? yeah…. calm the fuck down. try something relaxing, like watching the dragons fly, or if you want to get mad, gorillamask.net. Also try any Thing-Thing game ever. Mindless killing solves all problems. And if you are so enraged by our comments, 1) why do you keep reading them and 2) why do you keep responding to them?
That said, I loved the article.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Wow, I took the liberty to read every post here, and Pizzacat: you’re full of shit.
One guy makes a lame crack at you and another one gives you a piece of advice and what do you do? You start insulting the entire gender of man by desperately trying to use words you hope sound “intelligent”. No wait, you actually already started the insulting in your first post and then you’re pissed because others take offense to it.
By calling this board an “atavistic cesspool” or all men “half evolved sexist monkeys” (both from your first post, other examples equally as retarted) you prove how fucking insecure you are of yourself and how you can’t take any type of criticism.
Not everyone is the same. You should understand that seeing as you call the women featured sluts and the like, which implies you’re not like them. How fucking hard is it then for you to comprehend that maybe, just maybe not all men are the same either.
I’m not going to say you are worse than us, but you are definately (contrary to what you yourself believe) not better than us.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I don’t get the “Hollywood Hair DON’TS!!!” You trash 3 of the 4 guys (who deserve it), and Tom Cruise just looks “handsome”?
What the?
October 15th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Wow, Pizzacat, is this a comedy site, or an emo forum? Nice work demonstrating everything that’s wrong with people who try oh-so-hard to be alternative and show it.
I HATE OTHER PEOPLE THEY’RE TOO MAINSTREAM I HATE MAINSTREAM CULTURE THEY’RE NOT PEOPLE, THEY’RE SHEEPLE I HATE SOCIAL STANDARDS OF EVERYTHING SEX IS BAD EVERYONE PEOPLE THINK IS SEXY IS ACTUALLY UGLY SOCIETY RUINS PEOPLE IT TURNS THEM INTO CLONES I’M SO DIFFERENT I REFUSE TO BE PIGEON HOLED I GOT BULLIED FOR BEING DIFFERENT AREN’T I AMAZING BECAUSE OF THAT I’M BETTER THAN YOU I’M MORE INTELLIGENT THAN EVERYBODY ELSE WHINE WHINE SHEEPLE WHINE WHINE MTV WHINE WHINE GEORGE BUSH WAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…
That’s pretty much how hipsters are generated.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Well, if nothing else this article explained why the hell I randomly started receiving issues of Maxim. I had just thought one of my friends was fucking with me.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:58 am
The funny thing is that most men aren’t realistically this shallow and that the feminist forest fire of presumptuous accusations actually encourages most guys to respond exactly the opposite to how feminist would like them to respond.
It’s called the Abilene paradox, google that shit.
And for some reason now I feel like tramp stampin some hoes, shit, its gonna be straight mario party mushroom stamp heaven up in this bitch.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
As a woman, I find doctorchaos disgusting and ridiculous. Women can dress as they want, just as men do. If men can’t control themselves that is NEVER the victim’s fault. making ignorant, completely filthy and wrong assumptions about a violent sex crime does not belong here.
on a lighter note, i found this article hilarious. keep it up!
October 15th, 2009 at 10:47 am
border patrol…umm..did i ever claim to be fighting for my rights? no…i have no rights as a female. i thought you’d realize it too, you stupid bitch, that as females, (this article satirizes the point), our only purpose in this society is to try to be sperm dumpsters. if we aren’t good enough for that, then, well…that sucks for us.
as for the rest of you….shut the fuck up.
blah blah blah blah blah. i’m gonna start copying and pasting advertisements here to annoy you guys more. it’s hilarious how stupid you people are.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Successful troll is successful. Lol, funny article.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:40 am
I would masturbate to these articles.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:38 am
“and…i roll my eyes because i realize that you men will never get it.”
So who’s attacking who exactly? i don’t represent the “male gender” when i say you (not the female gender) are a prick. memememe “im fighting for my rights”. no youre not. nobody has a right to not get called names. you’re shit fucking stupid. get used to life.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Oh, and Pizzacat: You need a vacation. claiming plan for suicide on the intertubes is a pretty big cry for help. You need some time alone without anybody. Climb a mountain and stare at the sky for a few days. You’ve got some shit to figure out. I don’t think you’re trolling anymore due to the improper method (see above cry for help). If you are, then you need work on your technique.
Also: cries for help are better administered in a forum where a large sampling of faceless troglodytes can give bad advice and not care… Try a church or school councilor.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:32 am
I masturbated to the picture of Gary Busey. 8 TIMES!!!! I cant stop!!
October 15th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Robocop, Montonia? Hilarious.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Coop is a smart man.
Dr. Chaos is Lord High Troll, and should be congratulated for his contributions to the art.
Pizzacat. . . didn’t you just say you were going to kill yourself? Is it happening sooner or later? Also, do you have a webcam so that we might watch? You are horribly annoying, and I should know, I’m a misogynistic fat 10 year old with a small penis, or whatever other stupid thing you’ve been calling people who don’t have your exact opinion (which is why you were mad in the first place, hypocrite).
Seanbaby. I love you.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:19 am
wow. you guys are funny.
seriously. ignore me or something, because by responding to my comments, you only seem more pathetic.
okay, i’m s stupid, idiotic, whining, fat, ugly, hairy, retarded, (umm…what other insults were there, OH YEAH) and bitching feminist who needs to kill herself because she’s trying to have “rights”.
okay.
you guys feel better now? feel better because you made sure to make a comment that makes you feel justified in completely bashing a dissenting commentator? feel better about your penis size?
but of course, this is america
October 15th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I laughed while reading this article. It was very amusing. I would have laughed at the comments as well, but they were just too amazing.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I agree with Coop and Balance.
Dr Chaos has some of the most effective trolling this side of DA.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Pizzacat…you realize this was a parody, right? I mean, the author didn’t even claim to like men’s magazines; only that he was dicked around when one bought over the magazine he use to work for. It’s all ridiculous, and meant to be taken as such.
And for what it’s worth, as a feminist myself, I feel that bringing light to just how incredibly absurd most men’s magazines articles are can only help the cause, not hinder it. Further more, if you judge someone for being who they are, even if it’s a fella who enjoys these kinds of magazines…how are you proving your point?
October 15th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I’d find this much more funny if it weren’t so close to the truth. At least I’m not alone in my regard for these “mens magazines”
October 15th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I’ll mention that my comment to you, Pizzacat, was with respect to your initial comment (which upon further review, had nothing at all to say about the preceding comments but only mentions the article). I’m leaning more towards troll side now. No one as stupid as you are making yourself appear could operate a keyboard and mouse well enough to wank off in a comment section (as I am currently doing).
October 15th, 2009 at 9:51 am
*Cue “We Didn’t Start The Flame War”
October 15th, 2009 at 9:50 am
I loved the looking for the gary busey in a dress part. lol.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:48 am
This is the stupidest article I’ve ever seen, it’s not funny at all
October 15th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Pizzacat, for fuck’s sake, some men agree wholeheartedly with you when it comes to these magazines. Don’t judge us all based on the twats who read shite like this, and don’t go and bash an entire gender while calling others sexist. Saying stuff like “stupid men” only makes you sound ignorant and unreasonable.
It’s worth noting that the mags aimed at females are even worse as far as encouraging women to obsess over their weight and looks and idolising women who, they believe, men find beautiful.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:43 am
o_O seriously…LOL at th comments…here is want we have
1. Feminists who can’t take jokes. Check
2. Troll feeding the feminists flames? Check
3. People responding to said Troll and Feminists? Check
My two cents.
Pizzacat: Shut up, showing you have “rights” as a woman by insulting men and degrading them as human beings DOES NOT make you a woman, it makes you an idiotic girl who needs to get out more instead of fighting with men on the internet.
That one kid: “(especially martial rapes, yes they happen, with much frequency)”
Wat…
Chaos: Your trolling skill is high, you need to get out more and experience life. Your very depressing.
Everyone responding: Shut up, and go take a walk, seriously, don’t bother sinking low enough to bother with trolls.
Will: indeed.
There, now that I have given my two cents, let the comments after mine please talk about the article?
On topic, I loved it, I lol’d
October 15th, 2009 at 9:38 am
pizzafat what are you waiting for pull the trigger already
October 15th, 2009 at 9:38 am
also… i love you, poopjew. that was great.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Dr Chaos you rock
KUTGW
October 15th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Look, women who have eating disorders have mental conditions that would be focused on other self-hate issues even if we lived in a society that didn’t obsess over beauty. But as it is, both men and women have images of the attractive people everywhere.
And pizzacat, if you didn’t want there to be high standards of beauty in our society, then you can bet that guys everywhere would stop working out and fatten up.
What’s wrong with a high standard of beauty? It applies to all people, it’s just that men are the bigger consumers when it comes to nakedness. And pizzacat, if you’re comfortable with being fat, then that’s fine, but don’t make it sound like it’s unhealthy for women to want to look good and have the attention of males. After all, I’m a guy who likes to exercise because guess what: BEING ATTRACTIVE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX IS NICE.
Beauty is a natural thing to value, as long as other things are valued, too.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
@ Doctorchaos - get some of that pussy thats not in the kitchen and you’ll understand….
and your a fuckin moron…its not that they want out of the kitchen….they just want the freedom do show their tits when they want……and fags like you are keepin em down.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
sigh….so you wanna call me a fucking idiot because apparently i don’t know this article is satire?
you fucking men really don’t get it, do you?
i go to cracked every single day to see what they have, because it’s hilarious.. I understand it’s fucking satire, you losers.
what made me pissed off (other than fucking living, of course), were the comments.
so before you call me an idiot, or a whining feminist, or a “hairy feminist” or whatever (stupid losers), how about you read the rest of the fucking comments you swine.
and…i roll my eyes because i realize that you men will never get it.
you won’t. so continue calling me an idiot, a whining feminist, fat, whatever (even though you’ve never fucking seen me, but that’s besides the point)…go ahead. i’ll still defend myself, and you will too. and it’ll be a constant war between us because that’s how life is in relation to gender.
…now, if you’ll excuse me, fucking losers, i’m gonna go ahead and develop a new plan to kill myself
who’s a loser? YOU guys are, for LIVING here! ^-^
October 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I like how everyone jumped on doctorchaos like pizzacat is less of a braindead moron.
If you have to respond to troll posts at least don’t show everyone you’re a feminist retard.
Great article btw.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:22 am
lol @ this whole fucking comment section.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:17 am
I like tits? And I think women are cool…and fun to be around….and its fun when they are on top…and I like the magazine I just read, I would subscribe, its funny….and…
Man Dr.Chaos your a fucking idiot (please anyone reading this make your way down to where Dr. Chaos proves once and for all that there should be an IQ/History of the world requirement before posting any comment online)
did I mention I love women?
October 15th, 2009 at 9:13 am
@Adman: Yeah, this could have been funny if I hadn’t read the comments. This article satirizes how men see women. That’s the point. It’s satire. You’re supposed to laugh, not agree with it. Conservatives don’t think the Colbert report is a serious show. Misogynistic asshats should not think this is a serious article.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I did find this article mildly amusing…assuming (as I sure hope it is) that it is satirical.
However, I think it would be a brilliant idea to gear a few articles/videos toward women and our sense of humor. I find a lot of the stuff on Cracked funny, but once in a while, I want to laugh at something I can actually relate to, and the drooling of men over boobs isn’t it.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:09 am
boobies are awesome
October 15th, 2009 at 9:05 am
cool
October 15th, 2009 at 9:05 am
The arguments underneath me in the comments section are funnier than the article, which says alot because I found the article to be hillarious.
What’s better than a sexiest Seanbaby article about crack smoking rapists? Crack smoking rapists arguing with hairy, overweight feminists, of course!
October 15th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more effective??
Check out: http://tinyurl.com/HotDater —where you can meet the wealthy singles,sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
October 15th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Quote (thatonekid, a couple of posts below): “As for statistics, the reason the numbers are that much higher is also the fact that many went unreported (especially martial rapes, yes they happen, with much frequency, and date rapes).”
I don’t know about the rest of your post, but now I’m dying to know what a martial rape looks like.
Apparently, they happen frequently. I’m imagining some sort of Bruce Lee/Roman Polanski crossover. It would be the awesomest and most disturbing thing ever. I want to know more.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Oh, man.
You know what pisses me off? When people miss the point of some good-willing, very liberal comedians.
Anyone who says this is sexist is
a) missing the point and
b) a fucking moron.
Same applies to you people who decided Tropic Thunder was racist, when it’s the complete opposite.
Ooh, and Doctorchaos - you’re a total ape, and I’d very much like to stamp on you.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I can’t remember the last time I saw a more effective troll than Doctor Chaos. So much more hilarity is derived from the indignant responses to his posts.
Keep fighting back, you’re making a difference!
Also, Pizzacat, it isn’t so much that your opinion is dissenting as it is nonsensical and confusing. You do realize that, given his admitted distaste for Maxim at the start, that Seanbaby is also mocking misogyny? So when I call you a fucking idiot, please don’t fall into the trap of assuming that I’m saying it just because your opinion differs from mine on the article: it quite truly is because I think you’re a fucking idiot.
The exception being if you’re trolling as well, of course. In which case: bravo!
October 15th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Uh, where the fuck did these comments come from?
This article is mocking Maxim and it’s mouth-breathing boob hunters, right?
Idiots.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Gah I hate how every fucking Seanbaby article brings the feminist fuckwits. Regardless of whether or not I empathize with you, it’s a damn comedy article. Go somewhere else if you want to whine about men.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:49 am
people are crazy.
wrap your ass around that. brilliant.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Doctorchaos please PLEASE stop giving the male gender a bad name, we get enough shit as it is without under-developed 12 year-olds like yourself spewing mindless sad rubbish like the vomit you just smeared all of this comment section.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Good to see Robocop, NM represented again.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Oh and girls shut up. Seriously, you are whining! Prove your independence and stop thinking you have to defend yourself. Women have boobs, men like that and if the man is nice enough he might listen to what you say as well. While he’s touching your boobs.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:42 am
@that one kid
Cool story bro.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:40 am
@kryonic: boo fucking hoo, you dicklicking faggot.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:39 am
that one kid…you get MASSIVE high-fives from me!!!
I can enjoy men appreciating the beauty of the female body…but we do have brains and personalities. Some of us actually enjoy having a conversation once in a while.
Guys may think they want a lifeless sex toy. Please, by all means, spend the thousands of dollars for a Real Doll. Or, you could pay for flowers and dinner for two, and get a girl who can actually love you back.
Just saying.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:37 am
You know what I am sorry. You had EVERYTHING to work with and you’re just not funny.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Yawn.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:35 am
If people ignore Dr Chaos, he will go away. The only reason he says the shit he does is to get attention. As long as everyone keeps telling him to shut the fuck up he’s gonna stick around.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:34 am
How this magiazine isn’t in publication will forever be a mystery to me.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:28 am
@Doctorchaos
I’m sorry do your knuckles drag when you walk? Come on evolve already it’s not our fault that the MEN who design our fashion feel the need to make skirts shorter and shirts tighter, I’ll agree it is our fault for buying them, but I personally don’t feel like shopping at Zellers for my clothes. So put a caveman sock in it would ya?
October 15th, 2009 at 8:28 am
are you seriously blaming women for rape? in the same society that teaches women they can be “anything” as long as they’re thin, pretty, and sexually desirable. Regardless of these pressures, many women DO choose not to be a slutty, dead eyed idiot, however a majority of women portrayed in the media do fit that description. And for rape, YOU. ARE. A. FUCKING. IDIOT. Rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power. the proliferation of rape in America stems from the weak men who believe they will lose all their societal power now that women have finally made headway in becoming equal. It is used a tool for oppression, and in some cases and weapon in war. HOW DARE YOU blame women who have been raped? You really think they brought it on? What about children? What about the elderly women (yes, it happens), who are raped? How DARE you say that men just can’t help it? How about all the men who DON’T FUCKING RAPE WOMEN.As for statistics, the reason the numbers are that much higher is also the fact that many went unreported (especially martial rapes, yes they happen, with much frequency, and date rapes). If there are only a few cases documented from the past, then OF COURSE the rates will appear lower.
But maybe you just hate women and are bitter because you can’t fucking get any. I do get respect from my peer, not out of my subservience to men but because I am a strong willed independent person. (not that being a housewife is really a BAD thing if the women wishes to be one, but is if a husband forces her to). I can’t speak for all of womenkind (as we are all individuals and different–generalizing all women as having the same goals and actions is very dangerous….actually generalizing any group of people like that is), but I personally only honor those who deserve it, and you obviously do not.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Annnd DoctorChaos proves to us once again that he is a VERY lonely individual.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:25 am
oooohhh…..man, you idiots jumped all over my comments like damn fiends! and to “pizzacatisafaggot”, you were so enraged that you actually entitled yourself in honor of me. See what i’m saying?
It goes to show that you are all a bunch of mindless idiots who can’t stand any opinion other than your own, because it must be a disgrace to your MANHOOD. HA! how funny! And Dr. Chaos, just shut the fuck up. Seriously.. You have no basis for your opinions. you wanna know why? Well, not only because you’re an idiot, probably a stupid twelve-year old boy who wants to piss people off, but because you’re a man. You’ve never been a woman, i hope not…you’d make a horrible one. So….once again…shut the fuck up. You fucking chauvinistic, sexist, goddamn misogynistic, half-evolved APE. go back to slapping your pretend, imaginary wife around and ordering her to rub your putrid, vile feet.
Really, your comment to me isn’t amazingly unprecedented.
But yeah, you idiots. Keep the comments going! I can do this all day! What’s pathetic is how you can’t stand a differing opinion and pathetically attempt to attack it.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:16 am
@AyteeSics: Seanbaby isn’t the one who makes unfunny references to steroids and crack-smoking. Maxim is. That’s kind of the point.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Doctorchaos, if you’re going to be a misogynist, at least be funny, you fucking loser.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:12 am
@doctorchaos
Playboy first came out in 1953.
That is all.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:11 am
I liked it but “New Haven” is two words :/
October 15th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Get the fuck over it. Honestly. Don’t judge yourself by the (extremely attractive) people around you.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Hey bitches. You fought your own way out of the goddam kitchen in the 50’s now LIVE with what you brought upon yourselves.
You are the ones that fell for our shit and started dressing like WHORES, and now when you get all that attention for dressing and acting that way you tell us you DON’T like it? Check the stats. Rape, sexual abuse and teenage pregnancy were all SO much lower 50 years ago, woens rights and so called “freedoms” pretty much backfired on you. And don’t go blaming the men entirely, we’re a primitive beast, if you stoke the fires and cocktease us you’re gonna get burnt.
If you want RESPECT, then respect yourselves and your men. Knwo your place, keep a good home and HONOUR your man. We’ll treat you good once you show you deserve it.
As for the body image issues, stop sitting on the damn couch with a packet of biscuits watching shit like Oprah all afternoon.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Pizzacat: You sound angry. You should go to ___http://WealthySeeker.COM___ where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
October 15th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Usually I like Seanbaby’s contributions, but this one was missing something. I think it was…well, I’m not sure. All I do know is whatever it was, it was replaced by several unfunny references to smoking crack.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:57 am
oh shut the fuck up you idiots. i already knew that if there was one comment differing from the rest of the atavistic cesspool that is this message board, everyone of you half-evolved sexist monkeys would jump all over it and…of course, take pathetic stabs at my weight. what’s next? are you gonna question if my hair is bleached or straight, or if i wear miniskirts or if i’m still a virgin and on and on and on?
What, like i need a stupid man’s attention to be considered remotely pretty? yeah, you can reply to my comments as painfully as wish, but i have my own opinions. so go fuck yourselves….not to mention the terrible reality that you all crying on the inside like cowards because all that’s left of you is a mound of fucking meat that looks for other mounds of fucking meat.
What a pathetic existence. Shut the fuck up.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Gone to buy Jean Paul Gaultier´s last fragrance, BRB.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:50 am
@Pizzacat:
Stop blaming Men, it’s your own decision to do what you do, you still have a free will of your own or don’t you? Use it, godamnit!
October 15th, 2009 at 7:50 am
What’s the over/under on Pizzacat’s weight. I’m betting she’s not an ounce under 250 lbs.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:36 am
you know, it’s shit like this that influences women (probably at least half of the ones of featured in your article) to fucking starve themselves and spend hours looking into mirrors trying to fix their invisible flaws.
Of course, the sluts you feature in your article also don’t help to make the American “beauty” problem any better.
You fucking sick men.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I agree. Who wouldnt tag a sperm whale on crack, I mean, who hasnt?! Am I right?! *Self High Five*
October 15th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I dont have the words to describe the genius my eyes have just beheld. Please make this magazine happen!
October 15th, 2009 at 7:18 am
hehehe I hate it when the coast guard opens fire, but that’s because I’M A PIRATE.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:17 am
I was very sad when i was blindside by a Maxim sub. Last i remembered i had a IQ over 15 (not much more over). On the bright side they make great kindling for bone fires.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I totally destroyed myself laughing.
I like men!!
October 15th, 2009 at 6:41 am
@Blake
Well, it was Hearst Corp. (especially UGO) that destroyed EGM, but Maxim sucks anyway.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:38 am
This might be the best-ever Cracked article.
“Sperm Whale on crack.”
October 15th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Wow, actually better than Maxim for the following reasons:
1.) Shorter w/ less products being advertised…
2.) This magazine didn’t destroy EGM.
3.) Reading the captions was at least worth it.
4.) I actually read/finished this magazine (due to the boobs… everywhere… that’s just good “writing”).
Thanks, nice to know I’m still capable of a boner after reading the 7 most terrifying child movies post.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:33 am
[...] If Men’s Magazines Were Honest October 15, 2009 - 10:33 am By COED Staff • If Men’s Magazines Were Honest [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 6:19 am
“we learn the hard way!”
brilliant, absolutely brilliant
October 15th, 2009 at 6:16 am
“Making love to her was like leaning hard on a life raft” LOLWUT?! awesome, I’m using that in conversation
October 15th, 2009 at 6:15 am
I think Robocop, NM, is dongtacular!
Good form, Seanbaby. Mind looking at the “pickup artists” scene next?
October 15th, 2009 at 6:12 am
I admit, I missed EGM for a while.
Fortunately, now that you started writing here I strangely don’t miss them anymore for some reason. Did you know that they actually had reviews of decent games too? True story.
The only thing I wonder, though… whatever happened to that Sushi-X guy? It scares the living fuck out of me to imagine that guy is running around somewhere in a ninja suit which has never been taken off or washed. It definitely has to smell like moldy rotten cheese by now.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:10 am
I would so subscribe to this in a heartbeat.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I’m glad that seanbaby has gone from being the best writer for EGM to being the best writer for Cracked. I still miss his game reviews though!!! If only he could start a new column for that here (hint, hint…)
October 15th, 2009 at 5:53 am
I love that Robo cop, north montonia made a comeback.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Hilarious. I had to close the page and come back so as not to laugh out loud at work. The cologne add was the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. Seanbaby is now my favorite Cracked writer.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:40 am
You rock seanbaby. I also think the bitch is re-animated corpse.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:38 am
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. I tried to find a funny quote but I couldn’t choose just one.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:20 am
we just thought of something!
who needs her when we’ve got this picture.
awesome.
oh and raped wrong.classic
October 15th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Brutal because it’s so spot on. I got a Maxim (the one made fun of in this article, in fact) and had no idea why… now I know why… I ordered EGM from a kid selling subscriptions for their school.
October 15th, 2009 at 5:16 am
[...] If Men’s Magazines Were Honest…men’s magazines would go out of business. [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 5:09 am
thursday remains the best day of the week
October 15th, 2009 at 4:48 am
What about “Tits for Women?” What about “Legs for All?”
October 15th, 2009 at 4:47 am
EGM went down the shitter too huh? I lost two other video game zines who put my remaining fee into duplicate issues of another gaming magazine I was already subscribed too, my please for them going into resubscriptions fell on deaf ears.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:42 am
“Penis on top…woman awake…every both of them!”
Fantastic…well done Seanbaby.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Hey, I recently bought that Maxim issue
October 15th, 2009 at 4:24 am
‘She’s so empty behind the eyes that the last guy to finger her died up to his elbow’ is THE best line of this article. Keep up the good work man.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:11 am
Wow, great article. I did find myself more than slightly peeved when the delightful EGM (with equally delightful Seanbaby) was swapped out for the considerably-less cool Maxim. It’s almost eerie how well you’ve captured the way all their editors talk. Hmm…no…no, it–it couldn’t be…
October 15th, 2009 at 4:09 am
Hillarious as always,
and i remember EGM getting cancelled
but i don’t remember ever getting a maxim in it’s place, hmm, maybe i just got lucky.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:09 am
more tits for men i say