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5 Tips for Making an Impression At Your First Sex Party

When people aren't busy assuring me that they're not interested in my thoughts on orgies, they are just bombarding me with question after question about orgies. "Orgy this," they say. And so on. In an effort to cut back on the amount of time I have to spend actually talking to people face-to-face, I've decided to compile all of my orgy knowledge in a handy little guide, which I've included almost immediately after this sentence.

Here it is!

What Food to Bring

If you're anything like me, your first question upon finding an unsigned orgy invitation taped to the windshield of your car is "Are there gonna be Cheez-Its at this thing, or what?" It's an important question. With all of the sweating and various other fluid expulsions, you lose a lot of important liquids over the course of an orgy, and Cheez-Its are high in very necessary salt, and also deliciousness.

You shouldn't worry too much. The inexperienced orgy-enthusiast never decides to host on a whim, so if someone is bold enough to host an orgy, you can assume they've been around the block. Any self-respecting career orgiest will probably have all the orgy essentials already on hand.

Now that you know that all of the important items are accounted for, the question becomes "What should I bring?" Orgies aren't like weddings or executions; they're very easy to cook for. When preparing for most events, you have to consider everyone's dietary needs --who doesn't eat meat, who only eats healthy foods, who's allergic to fish-- but, at an orgy, shoving whatever you can find into your body is sort of the unofficial slogan. Blindly and happily swallowing things is what an orgy's all about. You can't go wrong, so have a little fun! Some Fun Suggestions:

-Swedish Meat Testicles;

-I Apologize in Advance For Give You All Crab (Cakes)

-'Shrimp Cocktail?' More Like 'Shrimp Cockbutt!';

-McGangBang Sliders;

-Pigs, A Mini Taco, And an Additional Pig in a Blanket;

- Cheese-Guzzling Nach-hoes;

-Double Penetrated Mushrooms.How to Dress

Mostly, yes, you will be naked. Nudity is both the best and worst thing about an orgy. It's great because, Hey, look, everyone, it's your balls, but it's bad because it tends to lead to a lot of confusion. When you go to a standard party, you'll meet a bunch of people who you can distinguish by the way they dress, ("Mark is the one in the red shirt, Tim wore the hat, Brianna had an eyepatch," etc). You get those same people naked in a room together and it's not quite as easy to tell them apart because, let's face it, naked, white twenty-somethings all basically look alike. The problem, since it's too difficult to tell your genitals apart from some other guy's genitals, is that other orgy-attendees might lose track of who they've been intimate with. Some woman may see your testicles and mistakenly conclude that she's already slept with you when, in fact, it was Jerry she's slept with! Now you'll never get your turn with her.

If you want to make sure you get to work with absolutely everyone at your orgy, you're going to need to wear something that separates you from the other men at the party. It doesn't need to be elaborate, and you certainly don't want it to inhibit your performance, but it needs to be invasive enough that people won't immediately ignore it. A top hat, or a Viking helmet. Something that distinguishes you from the other gentlemen, something that will make you stick out on every woman's mental checklist.

Preliminary Positions

If you show up and the orgy has already started, do not jump right in there. That's like hopping onto the court in the middle of a volleyball game after they've already picked teams. People hate that, so just ease your way into the orgy. Start out small, just dip your toes in the water, with some of these Preliminary Positions. They don't immediately throw you into the action, but they get you close to it, and they announce your presence in a way that lets the others know that you're here, and ready whenever they need you.

"Waiter, There's a Dick in My Dick!"

It's bound to happen at some point, so you might as well accept it. Every orgy comes down to the numbers and, statistically speaking, there will always be more males at an orgy than females. Whether you like it or not, this will happen to you.

That's right. You'll be having the time of your life, orgying it up without a care in the world, ready to switch up partners and -BAM- you'll come dick-to-dick with another dick. It's just a problem inherent to orgies, and every responsible orgy-goer knows this, so you'll simply have to wait it out together. Take this opportunity to engage in a few nonsexual activities with your new friend:

-Refill on punch!

-Discuss something exciting/aggravating that happened recently involving a popular local sports team, (when applicable)!

-Exchange information, so you can keep one another updated on the latest orgy-related news!

-Play "I Spy," and try not to laugh when the answer is always "butts."

-Avoid eye contact!Falling in Love at Your Orgy41% of all marriages in America end in divorce. Of the 59% of marriages that actually last, 98% of those couples met at an orgy. The numbers don't lie, an orgy is just the perfect breeding ground for true love.

And guess what? It happened to you. You saw her across the room. Someone at this gathering flicked on a switch in a heart that previously only housed darkness. It's not something you can control or even articulate properly. It's like your soul has found wordless partnership in another soul, and in a way you know that this union has been occurring for all of eternity and would have continued with or without you. This is bigger than you. This woman is your Forever. She is the rest of your life. A morning routine of waking up next to her sounds like a little piece of heaven.

As soon as Conrad and that strange, beardy fellow who came in with Conrad who you think might be named Steven (and who-- if you heard correctly-- did something with farming equipment professionally) are finished with her, invite that woman to take a trip to eternity in your arms.


Daniel O'Brien does something with farming equipment professionally and teaches Orgy Mathematics at MIT as a hobby.

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