Two months ago, Tiger Woods was awarded the Nobel Prize for "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation in golf." Today, the Nobel Committee Of Golf stormed Woods' home and took it back. The head of the committee, Marshall Stack, claimed that "recent events involving several vaginas and one penis" had changed the committee's mind about awarding Woods the rare honor. However, although he no longer possessed the award itself, Stack says Woods should still consider himself "super good at golf" and "a real winner in our book, golf-wise."
"Well..." Stack paused and added, "One penis that we know of."
The attack on Woods' home was meticulously planned and, according to NCG Offensive Captain Hoyt Mandrook, was executed with absolute precision at "high noon. We always strike at high noon."
The NCG troops were neither seen nor heard by any neighbors, but they definitely got the job done, because Woods no longer has the award and he is also currently missing. "Oh, yeah," Mandrook began, "We implanted false memories into his soft human brain, popped him in a Delorian, and sent him back to a couple weeks ago when he had that car accident. Then the Delorian turned into whatever car he was driving during that car accident. That shit's from Back To The Future, yo!" Mandrook took a breath. "Well, some of it is..."
Woods was later awarded a different Nobel Prize for "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation in fucking and also time travel, although the situation now creates quite a problem for Woods as he is now caught in an infinite time loop, never to be released.
That's like a metaphor for the news media or something.
With Woods no longer possessing the prize, the NCG has decided to award it to President Obama for his "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation in golf."
In a press conference at dusk, Obama respectfully declined the prize, saying, "I have not yet accomplished enough in golf, nor have I even golfed long enough to deserve this award. While I appreciate this gesture and feel deeply honored, I can not accept it on this day. I will, however, view this as a call to action to do more for golf and one day, I hope I deserve it. Please. Take back the award."
Obama will soon begin going to Miss Daisy's Driving Range to work on his swing. Woods will not, because he's stuck in time and he doesn't really need to work on his swing.