Tiger Woods Admits To Being Golfer
In a press conference this morning, golfer Tiger Woods admitted to the world that he is indeed a golfer. The conference came in the wake of him recently receiving the Nobel Prize and even more recently having it taken back. America was shocked to hear that, yes, Tiger Woods is a golfer and has golfed on many occasions. In the announcement, Woods assured the public that he would get help for his golf addiction and would do his best to one day continue his beloved career of anonymous girl-humping.
After apologizing to his family and friends and the public, Tiger went on to squelch rumors that he and his wife box each other daily. "That is simply not true," he said. "Sure, we'll beat the shit out of each other every now and then, but it's not sporting or playful in any way. This is just another example of the media blowing something way out of proportion."
As if to apologize for their blunder, the crowd of reporters cheered in unison, "You were great in Naked Gun!"
Tiger chuckled and replied, "I think you're thinking of someone else."
"Obama?" everyone asked, to which Tiger replied, "Sure," knowing full well that they were not thinking of Obama.
When approached for comment, President Obama admitted, "Yeah, I play golf sometimes, but it's not like I'm addicted to it. I can stop any time." The president has been seen on more than one occasion teeing off in the oval office. However, he says that he does not feel shame or guilt about it because it is how he relaxes and he's, "You know... the president."
"Besides," the prez added, "At least I didn't kill my wife and get away with it like Leslie Nielsen."
Mr. Woods' announcement was heartfelt and featured the occasional tear. He took the blame for the entire Nobel/Golf incident and will be entering rehab in the coming days. He admitted that, "If anyone is to blame, it's me. I chose to golf, and I kept choosing to golf. Over and over and over again. Usually 18 holes a day." When reporters snickered, Woods clarified, "No, I don't mean pussy."
In other news: Indie Comedy Director Eats Plane
Cody must have the record for most articles with less than 50,000 views... They can't all be winners. By all I actually mean 70%
Replyi think that his ability to being funny is spot-on. the interweb is actually filled with obnoxious no-talent ass-clowns that do see their lame opinions as both important and relevant. NOT THE CASE HERE. and i hope you do notice my ability to be taken super serious by speaking in all caps. that's when you know i mean business.
ReplyI love you.
Article - mildly amusing.
ReplyComments section - f**king hilarious. People, get over yourselves.
Will I be blasted by some future Cody hater? - Probably
Blast you.
I can't believe I'm saying this yet again, but I actually chuckled at this article. But to be honest, this seems like something that would have been printed in The Onion. (That's not a bad thing, but the humor style is very different.)
ReplyI also did not like the article. However, you get paid to do this and none of these no talent ass-clowns do. So congrats, Cody. To the rest of you, suck it. Jealousy is not a good look.
ReplyPeople have been complaining about Cody's writing for a while now... it doesn't look like he is going anywhere. I don't like Cody's writing style or sense of humor either, by now i just go on his articles to see how many people are still angry at him for writing for cracked. What it really comes down to is; If you don't like Cody's articles, don't read them. its funny enough just to read some of the comments lol.
ReplyAlas poor Tiger. He has allowed the press a taste of his blood. (They never get over it.) The new hot books are on the subject of
Replythe Sports Groupies:The shapley ladies that scramble over the sports tours looking for rich studs.
(100,000 condoms sold in Vancouver Olympic village alone!. Hello Tiger!)
Tiger is a victim of reading his own reviews. He believed them! Then the shock set in.Typical of the nerd who has
no time to think of anything but his craft...but digs the perks. He'll be OK. Nike will bring him back. All his mates say so.
Why do you like even try?
ReplyHow old are you Cody? Than again, how old are you people saying this pile of crap is funny? It's not written well at all...the punchlines have no punch. With the thousands of people throwing out jokes and such on Tiger, this should've been much higher quality (this is Cracked for Christ's sake). I know it's Cody and he's doing his best 6th grade material, but it still should've been better.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesJust to pick at your choice of words, "it SHOULD'VE been better". Why? What does Cody owe you, personally. Why do you apparantly feel like Cody writes articles specifically to you, and has promised them to be of brilliant quality?
Also "this is cracked for christs sake". And? This is a comedy website, someone writes an article they find amusing, they post it, you read it, you laugh/dont. Thats the way the internet works. If you dont like something the cracked editors liked, lower your opinion of the site, rather than comparing every subsequent article to the first one you saw.
well, you see - cody is on Cracked. cracked is like the Daily Show, it is happily self-deprecating, yet maintains an intelligent, critical fan base. so, we should have expectations, expectations are a good thing. so is weeding out the weakest of our species... hint hint. it is here to make us laugh, and we all use the freaking amazing, random facts that hit every list to impress the opposite species in poor attempts at mating.
Hmm, I see. So you believe Cracked owes you advice and aid at how to successfully win a mate? And you believe this because, if I read that correctly, you're smart?
"Why? What does Cody owe you?"
Cody owes me some quality f'in writing for a comedy site. He's a writer for Cracked and as such, has a job that many people would literally suck Swaim off for. The fact that he's taking up valuable server space with his continually crappy articles just ends up upsetting a fanbase that is used to top quality funny articles. Hell, I'll rip on any article that doesn't seem to be of Cracked standards. That way, the editors will actually know what works and doesn't. If, 90% of people don't like Cody's articles and we actually write that in the comments with meaningful reasoning behind why, then maybe he'll take the critism and get better or Cracked will find someone else. On the other hand, as stated below, those who enjoy Cody's stuff give no real reasons behind why.
I don't compare every subsequent article to the first one I saw. I compare them to every other article on the site and by far, Cody's tend to be the lowest of the low in terms of quality, sustanance and repeatability (the aforementioned poor attempts at mating).
And I DO lower my opinion of the site when they post things like this. That's the reason I post them...for the Cracked editors to know that I devalue the awesomeness of their site when they let stupid articles through. It's not my fault that so many people don't like Cody (or that he's not funny).
He has. A different. Style.
Admittedly, I am not particularly fond of poorly written songs on Lost. Therefore, I do not watch those videos.
But just because Cody writes with a different take on humour than you have come to expect doesn't mean that he's bad, just that you happen to have a very specific taste.
The article wasn't bad. Absolutely hilarious? Well, no. Bad? Hardly.
Oh, and, cacodaemon? As one "intelligent person" to the next, I wonder at your preference for an opposite "species."
"intelligent, critical fan base"!!! Oh, the tears! roflcopter... now that was funny.
What's with all the haterade?
ReplyFunny, Cody. But I've seen better from you, though...
ReplySeriously, sack Cody.
ReplyThe article might have read too hastily put together, but who cares? It was funny and I enjoyed it!
Reply"you were great in Naked Gun!"
ReplyOh man that is the funniest thing I've read yet today
The trouble here is that the entire article is too easy. This has taken no skill as it is just the classic Friends-esque theory of "say somthing in a manner that is usually reserved for somthing else" and comedy follows.
ReplyWith a story so big you must have known that many other writers would parody it and so you should have given it more time and consideration as now you look like the second rate ne'er do well you are.
Though I allow some marks for the second Leslie Nielson line. The build up was a little forced but the line itself worked well in context.
Still way, way too poor.
I enjoy reading this, unfortunatly though, most people on here would rather take the time to search for your articles just to insult them rather than read them.
ReplyKeep it up Cody! :D
Please hurry up on that keyboard-fire/hand-smashing thing.
ReplyWell, i think this article was good.
ReplyEven if the concept is already used from (onion), i dont know the site, cody delivered something good. I just feel that cody has to find his own style yet. When that happens i'm pretty sure everyone will like his article.
You might be right. It's just that his current style of dropping his nuts on the keyboard and seeing what shows up on the screen isn't working. I mean, it's some damn good writing for a pair of balls, but this is Cracked We expect the writing to be at least as witty as a c**k.
That was Brilliant! Cody, you are a genius!
ReplyTiger woods is just man who makes mistakes. However, his status makes his personal life so visible. I cant imagine how he feels.
Reply