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Tiger Woods Admits To Being Golfer

In a press conference this morning, golfer Tiger Woods admitted to the world that he is indeed a golfer. The conference came in the wake of him recently receiving the Nobel Prize and even more recently having it taken back. America was shocked to hear that, yes, Tiger Woods is a golfer and has golfed on many occasions. In the announcement, Woods assured the public that he would get help for his golf addiction and would do his best to one day continue his beloved career of anonymous girl-humping.

After apologizing to his family and friends and the public, Tiger went on to squelch rumors that he and his wife box each other daily. "That is simply not true," he said. "Sure, we'll beat the shit out of each other every now and then, but it's not sporting or playful in any way. This is just another example of the media blowing something way out of proportion."

As if to apologize for their blunder, the crowd of reporters cheered in unison, "You were great in Naked Gun!"

Tiger chuckled and replied, "I think you're thinking of someone else."

"Obama?" everyone asked, to which Tiger replied, "Sure," knowing full well that they were not thinking of Obama.

When approached for comment, President Obama admitted, "Yeah, I play golf sometimes, but it's not like I'm addicted to it. I can stop any time." The president has been seen on more than one occasion teeing off in the oval office. However, he says that he does not feel shame or guilt about it because it is how he relaxes and he's, "You know... the president."

"Besides," the prez added, "At least I didn't kill my wife and get away with it like Leslie Nielsen."

Mr. Woods' announcement was heartfelt and featured the occasional tear. He took the blame for the entire Nobel/Golf incident and will be entering rehab in the coming days. He admitted that, "If anyone is to blame, it's me. I chose to golf, and I kept choosing to golf. Over and over and over again. Usually 18 holes a day." When reporters snickered, Woods clarified, "No, I don't mean pussy."

In other news: Indie Comedy Director Eats Plane

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Cody Johnston

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