First of all, hello. I’ve actually been employed as a blogger here for three months, but I seemed to be the only one who thought we were in the writers’ union. I’m not sure if I’ll do a good job–seriously, I have the pop-culture awareness of an Amish person trapped in ice.
The news of the day is the steroid ruckus on Capitol Hill. But I think a subject as grave as whether a man who throws a ball took naughty juice is best left to the highest lawmaking body of the most powerful country in the history of civilization, not some flip little blog. But I’ll stay with sports for a second because I recently saw this headline:
Vikings extend ‘thoughts, prayers,’ to ailing Udeze
(I honestly can’t recall how I found the page with this story. The Minnesota Vikings are not my team nor are they videos of Tequiza-fueled sorority tribbing sessions.)
All you really need to know is that Kenechi Udeze is a Vikes player who was diagnosed with leukemia. Not good at all. But I’m getting so, so tired of the “thoughts and prayers” crutch.
I realize you can’t personally reach out to every single person who gets whipped 300 feet by a tornado into a Hardee’s billboard, but under the circumstances, is it so difficult to construct a single heartfelt sentence? For example, instead of the President extending his T & P to the victims of the recent twisters down south, he could have put some feeling into it:
“We ask You, Almighty God—who in Your infinite grace bestowed Your loving whirlwinds upon Your most faithful Tennessee residents—to be a source of strength as Your children reset their lives like so many bowling pins.”
Or take the opposite tack. Be up front about not giving a shit. Something like…
“This morning we received word that our colleague Todd Jenkins was involved in a serious automobile accident. We hope he’ll recover soon, but only if he returns to work at full capacity in a timely manner; if his prognosis worsens, we ask that he keep his deterioration to himself and die in the shadows like a mortally wounded coyote. Those of us who can breathe unassisted have deadlines to think about.”
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June 20th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I noticed that this is not the first time at all that you mention the topic. Why have you decided to write about it again?
p.s. Year One is already on the Internet and you can watch it for free.
February 18th, 2008 at 7:49 am
Are they a lot like D.D. Queen?
February 17th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
You have your bluesmen all wrong, CR. Lemme guess, you’ve never even *heard* of The Decemberists, have you?
Thanks for the welcome. I mean, those of you who bothered.
February 17th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Actually I may not be black, but i’m very ‘down’ with this new rap thing.
I also enjoy the blues musicians like Muddy T and Booker Waters.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Brentin, did you not get the memo? All members of an oppressed minority group, like for example you ten-percenters, are required to learn to spell the words “diversity,” “minority,” and “prejudice” before using them in public posts. My thoughts, salutations go to you in this time of orthographical inaccuracy.
February 15th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Well now you are and here I was thinking your blog was “gay” in the happy sense.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:07 am
PS- speaking on diveristy, I”m Cracked.com’s only openly gay commenter…that I know of.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:05 am
This is totally irrelevant, but I thought I’d answer RobboS’s question:
Associated Press style says that commas can be substituted for “and” in headlines. There are exact specifications for how many characters can be in a headline, and while you may be able to go a couple under, you can NEVER go over. So they use the comma trick and a couple others to get the most out of their space
February 15th, 2008 at 4:35 am
As a white Anglo-Saxon protestant from middle america with 2.3 children and a mortgage, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you curling-playing, hat-wearing, squirrel-fleeing minority members. And really, do the management “staff” of the Minnesota Vikings really expect anyone to believe that their prayers to demon-god Abaddon will really help Kenechi Udeze? Maybe the newspaper article was referencing actual Vikings - not the football team, but the actual Norse thugs that routinely invaded, raped and pillaged the British Isles that so many of you poor commenters call home.
February 15th, 2008 at 2:24 am
I would like to point out that I am the only openly drunken Irish bastard commenter on this blog.
Suck on that, O’brien. See you at the reunion.
February 14th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I wish you ill, sir.
GRAVE ILL!
*wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo*
February 14th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
“By the way Jason, I am the only openly-black commenter on this blog, so if you ever need to prove the diversity in your audience, I’m right here, brother”
I have a brother who came out as black to our parents. However that was his choice and we love him all the more for it.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Octaroon makes me think of an octopus-raccoon hybrid. That would be and expensive hat!
February 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
That would be weird for someone to say to you. They’d probably just call you a drunken Irish bastard first. Amiright? Huh?!
Wait, don’t tell me THAT’S offensive?
Leave it to Jason Roeder to stir up all this hate. It’s like he WANTS to be Swaim.
February 14th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Is that seriously a slur? Get right outta town, I’ve never heard it before. Boy, those racists never get tired of coming up with new things to call us.
If someone ever actually used it on me, I don’t think I could be too offended because, really, how much hatred can you put in your voice and face when you’re saying “Octaroon”?
Not a whole lot, is my answer to that one.
“Get away from my daughter, you filthy, cheating Octaroon!” No. If someone actually said that, everyone would just laugh at him. Then, who’s the real Octaroon here? Think about that.
February 14th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
So is the term Octaroon, wildly offensive? I’m just asking because i’ve never heard it used in real life. I suppose only someone who hates black people a lot would worrry about lineage so much to create a word for 1/8th black, but still, it rhymes with macaroon. And who doesn’t like cookies?
February 14th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Whoa whoa whoa, “the only openly-black commenter”? I don’t think I’ve ever tried to hide my blackness, (I am 1/8th black), though, I suppose nature hid it pretty well…Anyway, welcome Jason.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
About damn time. I’m tired of the constant beating on the door and the screams of ” THE SQUIRRELS ARE EATING ME, THE SQUIRRELS ARE EATING ME!!!!!” I just tell them to shut up.
Its not like it’s lions or bears. Jesus they’re just squirrels, they’re not gonna eat that much,……………… pussies.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
BTW, Jason’s book is really, really, funny and you should all probably buy like 9 copies each right now. But only if you want to be cool.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
We also have Casnadians here (at least Alanis and I). But we don’t like to impose, so we’ll read whatever you write.
(I’ll only impose on glendoor42’s wife now and then. By the way, someone should be around to pick her, the two kids that look like me, and whatever squirrels have become part of the family quite soon. Hopefully the rain has let up.)
February 14th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I think they’re actually called curling irons, but that’d be too ridiculous to be real.
February 14th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Curling balls, hehhehhehheh, which way do they curl there Captain Ross. My thoughts and prayers go out to you on this serious medical condition.
Welcome Jason.
February 14th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
By the way Jason, I am the only openly-black commenter on this blog, so if you ever need to prove the diversity in your audience, I’m right here, brother
February 14th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
That’s it, fetch me my broom and curling balls, we shall see sir, we shall end this.
February 14th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Don’t mess with me Captain, or I’ll do my Amy Winehouse English accent again!
‘ello Guvna!
February 14th, 2008 at 10:47 am
How very dare you sir, we shall meet on the ice at dawn, and we shall curl to the death.
February 14th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Oh, Jason, I forgot to tell you: Cracked.com BLOG readership is 89% English/Scottish/Australian.
Try to work in a few posts about curling or bangers and mash.
February 14th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Also, what is the deal with US headlines using that cheap shortcut for almost everything; ‘thoughts, prayers’? How much of a problem would it be to stick an ‘and’ in the middle? I am really sick, tired of seeing it.
February 14th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Well, Jason, allow me to say on behalf of all the Cracked readers, except Andy Pants, that we wish you well in your new job here at Cracked. All our thoughts and prayers for your success are with you. Again, except Andy Pants.
Watch out for him.
He may have rabies.
February 14th, 2008 at 8:29 am
This rings of some kind of monkeysphere reference.