They Grow Up So Fast.
As a CRACKED blogger, it is sometimes my unsavory duty to bring you news that will no doubt leave most of you in tears, and the rest in a suicidal frenzy. Shia LaBeouf, star of Transformers, I, Robot, and my dreams, was arrested this week, shattering the hearts of millions of mothers everywhere.
But dont worry; Shia wheres LaBeouf has not completely forsaken the angelic image and boyish innocence that have made him our collective darling. Yes, he was arrested, but at least he made sure he was arrested for the most innocuous celebrity crime ever committed, and in the most adorable way possible.
What did Shia do? He was charged with criminal trespassing after refusing to leave a Walgreens drugstore. Not a whorehouse, not a gun shop or heroin pavilion, a Walgreens. And for not leaving. Hey Mr. Policeman, if Shia tripthong LaBeouf is refusing to leave your vicinity, you thank your lucky stars and swoon appropriately. Thats like arresting a teddy bear for littering chocolate kisses at your feet.
Below, a picture of the arrest, during which Shia vainly tried to fend off arresting officers with a hastily-grabbed toilet brush from aisle 7.
In the process of getting arrested, Shia reportedly didnt interfere with any customers and inflicted no property damage. Isnt that the cutest thing youve ever heard? Its like a puppy gnawing on your shoes; sure, he shouldnt do it, but come on, hes not hurting anything and JUST LOOK AT THE LITTLE GUY!
Some even speculate that Shias cry for help was fallout from his broken heart over ex-girlfriend Rihanna, pictured below.
Clearly, Shia was in the Walgreens looking for a card and Whitmans sampler to win the girl back, and wouldnt be deterred from his mission. Let it go, Shia. She doesnt deserve you.
In hopes of putting this all into perspective, I leave you with a list of crimes Shia "it means 'the buff' in French" LaBeouf is now guilty of:
Michael, couldn't this article be condensed into a facebook post that your friends can ignore?
ReplyThese comments are somewhat frightening. Either way, Shia assisted in the buthcering of Indiana Jones IV so I don't really like him. (ALIENS, REALLY?????)
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThe aliens actually make perfect sense in the context of the way Spielberg set up the original movies...the first 3 were made in the 80s, when there was a big revival of the sorts of vaguely biblical/archeological adventure movies that were also popular in the 30s, the setting of the movies. While there hasn't been such a big b-grade alien movie revival recently, such movies were common in the 50s, when the new movie was set.
No, they don't make perfect sense, and since it's a sequel, perhaps using some of the same elements from the first three movies would have been apropriate. And less people would be whining. f*****g aliens! Come on!
No, don't you see? It continues the religious theme. First was Judaism, then Hinduism, then Christianity, and last Scientology.
dude do you have a split personality or something
ReplyHi, turtle, bear, octopus, wolf, giraffe...WWF can protect this animals
ReplyI bookmarked your site. Thanks for all the reading material. I enjoy reading here!
Reply-shudders- I'm sorry, but he's so incredibly unattractive to me.
ReplyHe's so innocent its sexyyy. i lovve him.
ReplyThere is obviously a lot to know when starting to look for records, I think I need to keep researching before starting my search.
ReplyOh my gosh he's just too gorgeous.
ReplyI love him SO much...
Keep working ,great job! taking your feeds also, Thanks.
Replyit means the beef.
ReplyEx girlfriends are nothing but drama
ReplyOf course, you know that LeBeouf means "the beef," and Shia claims that his whole name translates rougly to "bring on the beef!" Yeah, I sometimes think that when I see him, too. He is delicious, and the manager of that Walgreens is stupid. But the point is, Shia has a new movie coming out, and it's an Indiana Jones movie! With Harrison Ford (who, btw, could spend the night drinking in a Walgreens picture-frame aisle and no one would call the frickin' cops), so screw Walgreens, I'm gonna see that movie!
ReplyMakes sense! Nice article! I'll Digg right away....
ReplyMy heart was also broken when I heard of my little Shia's arrest.
Reply"But I'll never fault him for it once we are married."
What part of the post makes you think Swaim doesn't know that?
ReplyI have been banned from several libraries, take that in your pipe and smoke it.
ReplyAlthough to be fair...I was stealing books....
Oh and his name means 'the BEEF' you arse.
No, it was inplying that Bale is so badass that he'll have sex with whatever and whenever he wants, as he is above typical codes of ethics held by humans.
ReplyWhoa, whoa, WHOA! Was that a fucking jab at Christian Bale, Morris? Are you trying to imply that Bale is anything shy of a faultless stand up citizen of the Universe?
ReplyDo you have any idea where you are?
I was asked to leave a Starbucks.
ReplyAt closing time.
Hardcore man, hardcore.