As a CRACKED blogger, it is sometimes my unsavory duty to bring you news that will no doubt leave most of you in tears, and the rest in a suicidal frenzy. Shia LaBeouf, star of Transformers, I, Robot, and my dreams, was arrested this week, shattering the hearts of millions of mothers everywhere. But don’t worry; Shia “where’s” LaBeouf has not completely forsaken the angelic image and boyish innocence that have made him our collective darling. Yes, he was arrested, but at least he made sure he was arrested for the most innocuous celebrity crime ever committed, and in the most adorable way possible. What did Shia do? He was charged with criminal trespassing after refusing to leave a Walgreens drugstore. Not a whorehouse, not a gun shop or heroin pavilion, a Walgreens. And for not leaving. Hey Mr. Policeman, if Shia “tripthong” LaBeouf is refusing to leave your vicinity, you thank your lucky stars and swoon appropriately. That’s like arresting a teddy bear for littering chocolate kisses at your feet. Below, a picture of the arrest, during which Shia vainly tried to fend off arresting officers with a hastily-grabbed toilet brush from aisle 7.
In the process of getting arrested, Shia reportedly “didn’t interfere with any customers” and inflicted “no property damage.” Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever heard? It’s like a puppy gnawing on your shoes; sure, he shouldn’t do it, but come on, he’s not hurting anything and JUST LOOK AT THE LITTLE GUY!
Some even speculate that Shia’s cry for help was fallout from his broken heart over ex-girlfriend Rihanna, pictured below.
Clearly, Shia was in the Walgreens looking for a card and Whitman’s sampler to win the girl back, and wouldn’t be deterred from his mission. Let it go, Shia. She doesn’t deserve you.
In hopes of putting this all into perspective, I leave you with a list of crimes Shia "it means 'the buff' in French" LaBeouf is now guilty of:
Raping...opening weekend box office records.