X [X] Shitty Cartoon Shows That Were Actually More Brilliant and Important Than Their Creators Probably Realized
Super President was the short-lived, 1960s Saturday morning cartoon show about a president who receives superpowers after getting caught up in a cosmic storm. (Sure!) By day, he is James Norcross, President of the United States and, by night, he is Super President, the shape-shifting, crime-fighting superhero with the ability to change his molecular structure to turn into "steel, granite or whatever the need requires," as the opening theme boasts. (You really need to click that link and watch the video.)
Also, this one time, he turned into "ozone" to fight "laser beams." That happened because, in the sixties, no one was paying attention to anything. We never actually see Norcross as president doing anything. He hangs around the oval office and chats with his closest advisor/sidekick/gay manservant?, but mostly he dresses up in Canadian Flag colors and fights monsters. Would he be a good president today? Well, with a good majority of the world kind of hating us a teensy bit right now, we need a president with the ability to mend fences and solve problems, (with the ability to punch shrieking fish monsters at a distant second). Super President's skills, (super strength, changing shape, avoiding a giant immobile robot's anti-gravity rays), are indeed admirable, but they're useless in today's political climate. We need a thinking president. If we learned anything from Warren G. Harding's presidency (1921-1923), it should be that the ability to change your molecular structure to granite for the purposes of fighting a giant fire-beast in outer space does not go hand-in-hand with being a qualified leader of the greatest country on earth. Further, America currently uses 20 million barrels of oil a day, most of which probably goes to fuel the shockingly powerful mini-jets attached to Super President's belt that allow him to fly.
Why It's ShittyIt's honestly one of the most poorly-written shows I've ever seen, even by crappy superhero cartoon standards. And I'm not cynical guy. Not only do I believe that it's possible to gain spider powers after getting bitten by a radioactive spider, I actively pursue this dream by regularly hanging around nuclear testing facilities covered in spiders. I desperately want superheroes to be real and am prepared to buy whatever garbage backstory anyone wants to come up with, but "He was caught up in a friggin' storm or whatever" just doesn't cut it for me. And, maybe I'm nitpicking, but I think it's important that we have a president who's at least slightly creative. If you're the president, but you want to keep your identity a secret, is naming yourself "Super President" really the best way to go? Really? Aren't you kind of asking to be discovered? If Norcross had his way, the streets would be protected by BillionaireMan, The Amazing Nerdy College Student and the Caped-Clark-Kent. Also, Norcross' Energy Plan, ("Put it all in my tiny belt-rockets!"), is, at best, shaky.
Why It's Actually BrilliantNorcross is the President and, while he keeps America safe from monsters of various sizes, he does so at the expense of the trust of the American people. Every night, when he puts his little costume on, Norcross is betraying the trust of those who elected him, and he doesn't even pretend to give a shit about it. He fights crime in a way that America, on principle, does not condone. Norcross/Super President is concerned first and foremost with keeping his nation stable. Morality, Honesty and Principle are all afterthoughts; America's ends justify Super President's means. James Norcross has found a way to be both loved and feared. He is kind to his subjects, yet merciless under his mask. In this way, Norcross is the perfect manifestation of the ideal leader as described in Machiavelli's The Prince. After all, it was Machiavelli who said "there are two means of fighting: one according to the laws, the other with force; the first way is proper to man, the second to beasts; but because the first, in many cases, is not sufficient, it becomes necessary to have recourse to the second," and no one can deny that Super President is willing and able to resort to laws of the beasts when the laws proper to man simply won't cut it. Further, was it not Machiavelli who also said that "a beast with easy access to a belt with tiny rockets will ultimately defeat all beasts that rise up against it and should, when a situation calls for it, turn into ozone"? I'm almost positive it was.
X [X] Real-Life Batman Villains
Now, I know you probably think that we already did this list here at Cracked which, given our obsession with Batman, isn't an unreasonable conclusion to jump to. But I'll have you know, we did a Lame Villains Article, (that was very Batman Villain-heavy), and we did a Real-Life Villains Article, but not once have we done an article depicting (real-life) people who are attempting to destroy the (fictional) Batman. Until, you know...right now.
The Mayor of BatmanThis was a story that was so wonderful and retarded that I can't honestly believe the internet only wasted, like, a day making fun of it. A while back, Hüseyin Kalkan, the mayor of a town called Batman, in Turkey, (popular for its oil and its absurd amount of female, honor-related suicides that occur each year), actually attempted to sue Christopher Nolan, the director of The Dark Knight on the grounds that he was, I guess, trying to capitalize on the popularity of the town. Like, all of the billions of people who saw The Dark Knight only did so because they thought they were seeing a riveting documentary about an oil-producing province in Dipshit, Turkey. I mean, that's why I went to go see Dark Knight. I heard it was about Batman so I bought a ticket, because I'm curious about their high levels of both unemployment and female-suicide, and I didn't check out any of the trailers or articles about the movie, because I'm homeless and retarded. You can imagine the questions running through my mind as I watched this strange, fictional account of costumed vigilantes: "Why is there such little mention of oil?" "Why aren't they talking about the River Batman? It's central to the province's economy, which is, by the way, plummeting. " "Hey, a woman on the screen. That's odd. Why isn't she taking her own life in accordance with her complex and antiquated moral code?" "How did the Joker manage to sneak aboard two enormous, important ships and plant bombs on them without being noticed? And a hospital? And a guy's stomach? Any time I have a question, something explodes. Why?" There were other questions, but I won't bore you. They were mostly about oil. My favorite quote from the whole ordeal comes from the Mayor himself who says "There is only one Batman in the world." That is a sentence that an elected official actually said, presumably with a straight face. Which, of course, brings me to:
People Who Would Probably Be Pissed Off by That Statement -Christian Bale -Michael Keaton -Val Kilmer -George Clooney -Adam West -The People Who Made The Highlander (I'm assuming they own the copyright for 'Things for Which There Can Be Only One.) -Kevin Conroy -Azrael
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