One of the hardest parts of HBN is finding good clips. This week I failed. But watch me polish a turd like few can. Besides, this episode has a surprise treat for the Cracked faithful. (For those of you’ve I’ve been teasing on Facebook, the long wait is over.)
And speaking of the the end to a long wait, I’d like to give a shout out to Kingmonkey and Glendoor 42. I dont’ know how I got into the shout out business, and, frankly, I’d like to get out of it, but I couldn’t close up shop without mentioning two grown men who admit that they read Cracked.com. Know what I like most about Kingmonkey and Glendoor? They’re not functionally illiterate morons. And although they comment a lot, they’re neither trolls nor self-obsessed blowhards. Another good thing? They’re not young women. So when the authorities crack down on me for cruising the barely legal, I can say, “What? No, no, no. This is innocent. I talk to lots of people. Even grown men.” And even though they’ve never sent me any naked pictures, I still like them.
Worst Hate by Numbers Ever — powered by Cracked.com
Last 5 posts by HBN
- What's G-Stone Been Up To? (or Tips For A Great 2009) - January 5th, 2009
- HBN Says Goodbye - November 24th, 2008
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
December 11th, 2008 at 6:38 am
Holy fuck! The embedded video actually works on this one. I may shit my pants in joy and surprise.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Swaim has huge sideburns to cover the fact that he is balding, rapidly. Though he is not balding as bad as Dan. Gladstone, though, despite all his faults, does not have this problem.
October 17th, 2008 at 3:15 am
Awesome..days later. No one is going to read this. What is up with Swaim having huge sideburns? Ick.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I think the comment order got flipped during the second presidential debate, when ScribbleLive went down and the bloggers had to resort to doing commentary in the comment section. Speaking of, why is everyone so mean to you G-Rocks?
October 14th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Hi Wallsy..
Frick your mad.
October 14th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Oh, I also hate the new layout, BTW. If I can zoom the page to 170% without losing anything I actually want to see, you’re doing it wrong. Stop making websites where the actual content takes up less than half the screen, you bastards.
October 14th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I really like Kingdoor. The guy from the soup..we should ask him to come up with a Bennifer or Brangelina for glendoor42/kingmonkey.
Kingdoor. Hmm. glendoor, being the one with all the sass maybe should somehow precede..hmm..
good job, greengoddess.
October 14th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
You, dear Sir Gladstone, are a wellspring of suck. But thats okay. <3
October 14th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I would like to add my name to the Wallsy/MBS/Kingdoor/etc. list of faithful Cracked readers who would like the blog comments to go the other way again please.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
and yes I meant the rapists
October 14th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Luckily, as a huge internet celbrity, I can afford the best, gold-plated the rapists.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Dear Tech Services,
Outstanding job on the new and improved layout. Thanks to the streamlined functionality of the site, I’ve managed to procrastinate my entire morning giggling to what is in essence, one big fart joke.
Perhaps the same enthusiasm you are focusing on in terms of maneuverability can be honed to simply flip the comment section and appease the masses. Edit function, time confusion and perhaps an advanced spellcheck doo-hickey are of course on our wish list, but we needn’t bother you much with that silly nonsense.
Have a nice day!
Aloha
October 14th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Good for you, monkeydoor! Make your Mommy and Daddy proud and learn how to spell celebrity and I’m sure they will overlook the whole multiple personality thing..
October 14th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Luckily, as a huge internet celbrity, I can afford the best, gold-plated therapists.
October 14th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
So what do you call yourself (in the privacy afforded you given expensive hats are your thing)? Glen42monkey? Kingdoor? Sybil? Sweetie..I know fourteen can be rough, so if you ever need advice on girl stuff, feel free to call. Bras are a bitch, right?
October 14th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I’m going to tell you a secret, everybody, so keep it under your collective expensive hat. Gladstone, glendoor42, and kingmonkey are all the same person. The schism between my personalities seems to be widening, though.
See!!!!!!!
October 14th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I’m going to tell you a secret, everybody, so keep it under your collective expensive hat. Gladstone, glendoor42, and kingmonkey are all the same person. The schism between my personalities seems to be widening, though.
October 14th, 2008 at 10:43 am
I’m actually a 14 year old girl, not a grown man, but I have not had sex with Gladstone, my 12 year old brother did though. That what the social services people say anyway.
And the comment section being backwards sucks ass.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:59 am
glendoor. Checkmate.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:53 am
So everyone agrees there are snags in the new format. Edit function: I’m pretty sure the kids could have tried to give us that.. How hard could that be? Glitch..while we’re on time..is it possible to set a clock? Like 8 am EST. One set clock. Thank you IT peeps..
I’m excited to hear from the latest celebrity glendoor..I love the shout outs..if I could only see them..kingmonkey? gledoor?
October 14th, 2008 at 1:39 am
Why is there always 2 comments sections? sigh.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
They are great. Cure for Pain is their best album
October 13th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
holy crap gladstone, I just checked out Morphine for the first time. Amazing music. Thank you for turning me on to such great music.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Wallsy, I agree, and bitch we shall.
Shana Res_Ipsa is right, I am eternal. But to be more percise I am possibly 19 right now.
Possibly.
October 13th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Why are the comments still backwards? I always liked the fact that the blog comments were the right way around, unlike the main site. Whose idea was it to ruin a good thing?
October 13th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
I always felt Gladstone was the black sheep of Cracked…..
…the black, paedophiliac sheep (I refuse to NOT joke about this).
Do you feel left out in your video setup, Gladstone? Do you envy the freedom of print? Do you also feel left out of Dan’s date rape circle of love?
Damn, I apologise for this drunken comment.
Why does “that’s all…for now” crack me up so much?
October 13th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
In these desperate economic times, it is of the utmost importance that the public see Swaim in a tiny bow tie as much as possible. Consider this phenomenon our generation’s Fireside Chats.
October 13th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
MBS is ETERNAL.
October 13th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Speaking of 4chan, did anyone else notice “I accidentally a bottle of coca cola” made it into the hall of bad posts?
And how old are you Metal?
October 13th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
shana, please never type the word fap here ever again.
This is not 4chan, and as I remember correctly you are a 16 year old girl, and you using words like fap make me feel severly uncomfortable.
But you can total get in on the nude pics, if you would like to share them with everyone.
October 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I can’t think of an intelligent response so I’ll just got with, *FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP*
What’s this about nude pics? Can I get in on this?
October 13th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I don’t understand. What isn’t funny about pedophilia?
October 13th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Kingmonkey and Glendoor did send ME naked pictures though.
Gladstone isn’t missing much.
Also, HBN was good, again. I definatly prefer this to the old news on cracked
October 13th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Plus, Gladstone is hot.
And I’m MILF, not jailbait.
Not to disrespect the young women here. I’m just sayin’.
October 13th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I can’t think of anything funny today either.
October 13th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I wasn’t suggesting, by the way, that Gladstone is ACTUALLY a pedophile, just that the constant jokes about it are tasteless, and not particularly funny.
October 13th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I am proud to have learned that some cracked readers are actually smart enough to realize that Gladstone means every word when he claims to have sex with small kids. Who would joke about something like that(excluding many major comedians). Im glad there are otehr people out there completely incapable of recognizing sarcasm
October 13th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I am thoroughly jealous of Glendoor and Kingmonkey, and whatever Dan was making out with.
October 13th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Aw, G-stone, don’t beat yourself up. OH! I know what’ll make you feel better. Wanna come to homecoming with me?
October 13th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I absolutely refuse to believe that no one has made a “monkey with five asses” reference.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Oh, I know what kids can learn from that 5-legged toad!
Mother nature is boring and will refuse to make something funny out of a potentially cracking up set-up. I mean, come on, a 5-legged animal? Couldn’t you have mutated it into a walking dick joke instead of making it say hi? I find your extra limb placement questionable, Gaia.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Well done! Thanks for the renewed video player, now I can finally watch HBN at work. And possibly get caught again. And fired.
But don’t worry, it was probably a crap party anyway.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Thanks Bananagrabber. You sound hot. Where’s your high school?
October 13th, 2008 at 9:28 am
how can anyone find this funny!?
seriously, you’d have to come over to jolly old england and hold a gun to my head to make me pretend this was funny.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I’ve never felt compelled to enter into the bitchy side of the comments on here but I feel I have to say:
(Abbie this is mainly for your benefit)
1. I highly doubt Gladstone is totally comfortable with the advances of the young girls on here. And as such, uses humour as a way to address it.
2. As if someone who would be traceable on the internet, which as a Cracked employee Gladstone is, would seriously admit to this ‘paedophilia ‘ you suggest he’s guilty of
October 13th, 2008 at 9:15 am
I resent the implication that I am not a self-obsessed blowhard.
I do appreciate the nod to my literacy level, though. I’ve read precisely 3 books in my lifetime, and I think that puts me above the majority (as far as I know): Chariots of the Gods?, A Guide to Lifting and Carrying: Back Safety, Part 4, and Penetrizer, a novel I actually wrote. It’s a gripping tale of a freelance p0rn star who has been contacted by the Cleavage Inspection Agency to track down a rogue shemale stripper. It was on the New York Times bestseller list for 11 years.
I could be a troll, Gladstone. Here, I’ll give it a try. Ahem.
I’ve had it with your constant anti-amphibian hate agenda, Gladstone. Or should I say Hatestone? Toads, even genetic freak-storms like this one, are still deserving of respect and dignity. You know who else didn’t like amphibians? Stalin. And Hitler. That’s right, Wayne; you are Stalitler.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:09 am
This wasnt as bad as you made it out to be. I wonder what cracked party would be like considering you live thousands of miles from each other…
October 13th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Even though I’ve always felt that Gladstone was a little iffy (meaning, it was blatantly obvious from various comments that he would most likely not be attracted to anyone over the age of 20) this just solidified it. Pedo jokes (or almost-a-pedo) aren’t particularly funny, for the most part, so assuming it wasn’t some misguided attempt at humor, it just plain makes me uncomfortable.
I’ll probably still watch the video, though, when it actually shows up.
October 13th, 2008 at 8:08 am
just redo it naked. hurry while theres still time!
October 13th, 2008 at 8:07 am
So that’s what Swaim looks like…
October 13th, 2008 at 8:07 am
I still liked it. You mean to tell my you couldn’t find ANY good clip out there?
October 13th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Swaim? I was so close Gladstone. So close.
October 13th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Just wanna put out there that this is showing to me without a video attached at all. If it wasn’t in the videos section this truly would be the worst HBN ever. Or the best, depending on your Gladstone Love/Hate ratio.