'Got Talent' Won't Rest Until They See Someone Die On Stage

I don't religiously watch America's Got Talent or Britain's Got Talent or These Fucking Fuckers Are Talented As Fuck ... but I will admit that when my insomnia kicks in and I need to fill my brain with stupidity at 3 a.m. on some random Tuesday, I'll pull up YouTube and get lost in individual clips until sunrise. I've watched hundreds of acts over the years, and one frightening thing I've noticed is that no matter what country has talent, all of these shows desperately want to film someone's death on stage.

I first noticed it when an engaged couple were performing a basic circus sideshow act. The man swallowed a sword and then put a small target in his mouth. The woman then accidentally shot him right in the goddamn throat with a flaming goddamn arrow. While the sword was still crammed down his stupid suckhole.

FreemantleMedia North America / SYCOtv
This is your classic "OH SHIT" moment.

Now, obviously she didn't do it on purpose. Though now that I think about it, it would have been the most awesome rejection response in the history of proposals. There was a malfunction with the crossbow, and fortunately the guy was fine. He at least had the presence of mind to not allow his gag reflex to clench shut around that sword, or shit could have gone downhill really fast. Still, the accident happened, and still, they showed it. They could have easily cut it out of the program, but they knew that flaming arrows to the throat always means great ratings. That's just TV 101.

If that had been the only case of almost-manslaughter I've seen on the show, I would have just left it at that. But in true "what the fuck is wrong with the world" fashion, it's not even close to the only example.

Thames / Syco

The above clip is of the father-daughter team of Brian and Melanie, who are dressed as Indians ... for some reason? It's a typical "throw flaming knives at your daughter while wearing an insanely offensive costume" act that we've all seen before. Oh, and they call themselves "Fire Water," because evidently "Fuck Your Heritage" was taken.

Before the act even started, Brian was so nervous that he was shaking and his eyes were watering. Then, after a few knives, he finally settled in and started hitting his mark. Well, if his mark was bouncing knives off of the wooden backdrop and then continuing to throw knives like it was no big deal. The act was finally stopped when he actually hit his daughter with one of them, and she ran for the hills. Thankfully, it was just the handle, which I think actually made the producers sad.

Still, they put it on the air because accidents are awesome, right? I mean, look at the expression on this annoying dickbag's face when she gets hit with a flaming knife and takes off running in terror:

Thames / Syco

But that's what the producers of this show want. They desperately want to see someone die on stage. At the very least, they want to show someone getting horribly injured. Like this poor bastard who knocked himself out in the first two seconds of his audition:

FreemantleMedia North America / SYCOtv

When he extends his body at the end, it makes it look like that was part of the act, but it wasn't. He hit so hard, his brain didn't register the normal "JESUS CHRIST, I JUST BROKE MY ENTIRE SHITTING HEAD" response. He thought he was soaring through the air like a majestic eagle. At the end of that dive, he was supposed to roll through and extend his legs, so that he popped up gracefully. Instead, as the great Chris Tucker once put it, he "got knocked the fuck out!"

Again, there was no need to broadcast that accident. It happened during an audition, and they very easily could have chalked it up to bad luck and bad timing. Instead, they chose to go with bad taste. And I'm going to hell for laughing at it. Because I totally did laugh at it. Hard.

Not to be outdone, Turkey threw in one of their own:

TV8

And, of course, Russia wouldn't be Russia if they didn't step in and say, "Pfft. Whatever, pussies. Unless you fall from a tower of milk crates, you ain't shit."

Krasnyi Kvadrat

America tried to step up, but to the producers' dismay, he only kind of bounced off the floor and landed on his ass:

FreemantleMedia North America / SYCOtv

Every time I see that GIF loop back around, I can hear the executives of the show yelling, "JACKPOT, BABY!" Then one lone voice in the background, after realizing he's still alive, letting out a muffled, "... fuck."

The shows all across the world revel in these accidents. No, not all of them are life-threatening, but any injury is a good injury, and they hold that shit in higher regard than the actual winning acts. Every time a dance crew takes the floor, you can hear the sound of pants stretching from their growing boners. Even from the women. You can almost smell the extra wax they put on the stage, just to fuck them up.

When dancers show up, you get everything from dudes flipping into each other like meth-ninjas ...

FreemantleMedia North America / SYCOtv

... to a guy dislocating his knee ...

FreemantleMedia North America / SYCOtv

... to a clearly insane person dance-cartwheeling his crazy ass right off the stage, sending the judges running like he was made out of bombs.

FreemantleMedia North America / SYCOtv

Don't think for a second that they don't eat this shit up. In one episode of America's Got Talent, a couple performed a stunt in which she held an apple in her mouth while a guy cut an H into it with a chainsaw. Luckily, I don't have to write about a horrific chainsaw fuck-up, ending with her having a permanent H cut into her skull. But while holding the apple in her mouth, her jaw popped out of place. Instead of rushing her backstage to get medical attention, the judges and audience laughed their asses off and forced her to answer questions. Howard Stern even went as far as mocking her new injury-induced accent. Classy.

But, hey, maybe I'm just overreacting. Yeah, these people got hurt, but none of it was life-threatening. As long as everyone was fine in the end, why not milk a bit of ratings from their pain? I mean, it's not like they broadcast a guy accidentally drinking sulfuric acid or anything.

FreemantleMedia

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. They're not going to rest until there's a corpse on camera, are they?

Get your reality TV dreams crushed in I Was A Reality TV Judge: 5 Secrets I Shouldn't Tell You, and if you need a kidney then you may be in luck after you read 6 Insane Game Shows You Won't Believe Were Allowed on TV.

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